Read more to discover where you can find support when you need it. |
 Elodie Bruton | Elodie Bruton is a community mental health worker at Centre Bienvenue. She organizes therapeutic adventure groups, a support group for voice hearers and a recovery group. |
Hidden Trauma of Niceness
Learn about the hidden trauma behind nice guy behaviors in this contributed post
The Hidden Trauma of Niceness
by JR from Austin
As a recovering nice guy spending plenty of time in therapy, research and self-reflection I have noticed that one of the serious causes of my nice guy behavior is complex emotional trauma.
Growing up in my highly controlled home I learned how to be nice through punishment for doing the wrong thing.
Instead of being properly corrected I was punished physically or through shame (i.e.: the doghouse).
Since the home was controlled through a narcissistic matriarchy I was punished when I would stand up for myself or saying anything that challenged my mother's viewpoints.
Niceness was reinforced through coercion.
Because of that I developed CPTSD and have constant flashbacks.
Flashbacks are emotional responses that are triggered by sensitive events that would send a person emotionally back to the time they were being abused.
With proper treatment and acknowledgment of these issues a person can minimize or even completely remove the emotional charge of these flashbacks.
Now where this all ties in with Complex Trauma is that the man has been conditioned from his formative years to associate assertive behaviors with rejection and abuse.
He will cling to his nice guy behavior like a glove since consciously he will think it is the right thing to do.
(A lot of the time nice behavior is the right thing to do)
On a deeper subconscious emotional level though he will cling to it since he has been programmed to believe assertive behavior will lead to abuse and rejection.
When abuse and rejection happen it will often cause him to flashback to when he was a child and was getting abused.
Because the flashbacks are so horrible he will cling to the nice guy behavior to avoid them at all costs.
This will cause the nice guy to cling to cowardly behaviors in situations when assertiveness is absolutely necessary.
Behaving in an attractive manner with women is something that comes to mind here.
Now is this condition hopeless?
Absolutely not.
The more a person has been traumatized the more time and effort they will need to work through the damage.
First and foremost the traumatized person would need to go see a qualified therapist who understands complex trauma as it relates to the person's individual need.
A female therapist who specializes in helping women who have been abused by past lovers would probably not understand the needs of a man who has been emasculated etc.
Second the person would need to be driven to work on the problem on his own as well. He can learn new skills and understand how the bullying tactics were used against him.
Learning that will help him find a new sense of empowerment.
Third, the situation tends to be highly ingrained into the psyche so the person would have to be patient with the process. It can take years for someone with CPTSD to heal.
With this hard work and patience the traumatized nice guy can build a far better life and start winning instead of just breaking even.
By no means is this article comprehensive. It is worth checking out Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. That book gives a very thorough look into CPTSD.
by JR from Austin
As a recovering nice guy spending plenty of time in therapy, research and self-reflection I have noticed that one of the serious causes of my nice guy behavior is complex emotional trauma.
Growing up in my highly controlled home I learned how to be nice through punishment for doing the wrong thing.
Instead of being properly corrected I was punished physically or through shame (i.e.: the doghouse).
Since the home was controlled through a narcissistic matriarchy I was punished when I would stand up for myself or saying anything that challenged my mother's viewpoints.
Niceness was reinforced through coercion.
Because of that I developed CPTSD and have constant flashbacks.
Flashbacks are emotional responses that are triggered by sensitive events that would send a person emotionally back to the time they were being abused.
With proper treatment and acknowledgment of these issues a person can minimize or even completely remove the emotional charge of these flashbacks.
Now where this all ties in with Complex Trauma is that the man has been conditioned from his formative years to associate assertive behaviors with rejection and abuse.
He will cling to his nice guy behavior like a glove since consciously he will think it is the right thing to do.
(A lot of the time nice behavior is the right thing to do)
On a deeper subconscious emotional level though he will cling to it since he has been programmed to believe assertive behavior will lead to abuse and rejection.
When abuse and rejection happen it will often cause him to flashback to when he was a child and was getting abused.
Because the flashbacks are so horrible he will cling to the nice guy behavior to avoid them at all costs.
This will cause the nice guy to cling to cowardly behaviors in situations when assertiveness is absolutely necessary.
Behaving in an attractive manner with women is something that comes to mind here.
Now is this condition hopeless?
Absolutely not.
The more a person has been traumatized the more time and effort they will need to work through the damage.
First and foremost the traumatized person would need to go see a qualified therapist who understands complex trauma as it relates to the person's individual need.
A female therapist who specializes in helping women who have been abused by past lovers would probably not understand the needs of a man who has been emasculated etc.
Second the person would need to be driven to work on the problem on his own as well. He can learn new skills and understand how the bullying tactics were used against him.
Learning that will help him find a new sense of empowerment.
Third, the situation tends to be highly ingrained into the psyche so the person would have to be patient with the process. It can take years for someone with CPTSD to heal.
With this hard work and patience the traumatized nice guy can build a far better life and start winning instead of just breaking even.
By no means is this article comprehensive. It is worth checking out Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. That book gives a very thorough look into CPTSD.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE
If you are a Single Nice Guy and you want
some coaching to learn how to be Assertive for Dating,
Sign up for Single No More Coaching Right Now!
COACHING FOR NICE GUYS
Your Sexuality Is Your Birthright - Galen Fous
Towards Kink Positive Therapy
by Galen Robert Fous
Yesterday I was banned without notice from the Depth Psychology Alliance, a moderated Facebook group for Jungian oriented therapists.
I had posted a link to an interview I had done recently titled,
“The Personal Erotic Myth and the Rise of Fetishsexuality.”
I included this quote with the link from my Psychology Today interview by Michael Aaron based on my presentation to the AltSex NYC Conference
"When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our taboo, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange."
The group’s moderator accepted the post.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
Several positive comments were made.
The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex.
I replied that her view was outdated and an insult to the millions of men AND women engaging in consensual Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality.
She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink.
Several more people joined the thread,
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
all favorable to my POV (point of view),
and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being.
I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in.
I was about to reply to someone’s comment,
and got notice the post had been removed.
I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group.
I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification.
In response, I started a new thread on my Facebook page titled
“Kinkaphobia -
Are you a sex-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist suffering from Kink-phobia?
Help is available.
Get treatment now before you harm any more patients that you have shamed, judged or diagnosed as suffering from a psychological disorder or addiction based on your moralistic, outdated, unsubstantiated, harmful beliefs about Kink oriented clients.
Shaming is not therapy.”
One of the replies to this thread was from someone in the DPA group who disclosed that right after my post was taken down, a new rule about posting was created.
"Any content determined to be inappropriate, in poor taste, or otherwise contrary to the purposes of the forum will be deleted and the poster risks being removed from the group.”
She (the person who informed me of the groups actions) commented further,
“The article you posted was totally relevant to Depth Psychology. If an equivalent article regarding working with gay clients were posted and a commentator said "Homosexuality is only a pathological expression of someone incapable of love and intimacy" - we would never accept that as a reason to delete a post. I am pretty (upset) about this.”
I am too.
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality
and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth.
-Galen Robert Fous
*Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature.
About The Author
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University.
He is the author of the book:
Decoding Your Kink:
Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires
He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/
23 Reasons Why: Suicide: The Signs, What To Do, and Where To Go For Help
Suicide: What are the signs, what to do, and where to go?
By Jenn and Sam, Mental Health Caseworkers
If you’ve been on the internet lately, you’ve probably seen posts about the new controversial Netflix show “13 Reasons Why”.
If you have not seen it,
let us break it down for you.
The show depicts a teenage girl, Hannah Baker, trying to navigate her way through a new school.
Here, she encounters bullying from her peers and struggles with mental health issues that eventually contribute to her committing suicide. Prior to her suicide, she created audio tapes that detail the reasons why she chose to end her life.
The popular show has been criticized for glamorizing suicide and portraying suicide as a justifiable act of revenge.
On a more positive note, many mental health practitioners and teachers are using the show to open up a line of communication about suicide with youth and adults, to educate people on how to identify the signs and how to seek help or support someone who may be suicidal.
There have additionally been initiatives by local high schools where students created and shared “13 Reasons Why NOT”, which are lists of reasons why suicide is not an option.
Although the show opens up this doorway of communication regarding suicide, it demonstrates little knowledge or understanding of Hannah’s mental health problems.
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
It does not address her hopelessness, desperation or helplessness.
The show appears to focus more on morality and highlights that the consequences of bullying can be deathly.
There is no denying the truth behind that last statement or the detrimental effects, both short term and long term, that bullying has on its victims.
That said, there is still a much broader topic that is being left out.
Suicide itself.
Bullying is not the only reason people chose to take their own lives.
The show additionally does not address many other questions surrounding suicide including;
- the signs and symptoms,
- how individuals can seek help for themselves,
- how to seek help for others,
- and what kinds of services are available.
As mental health workers, we see individuals with suicidal thoughts, ideations, and tendencies on a daily basis.
It is something we are consistently screening for, because it occurs frequently as a result of other mental health disorders.
This does not mean that a person has to have a mental illness to become suicidal, but it does increase the risk of suicide.
According to a study completed in 2011, approximately 3,500 people commit suicide annually in Canada.
This is a staggering number.
Unless you are directly affected or working in a social service/mental health setting, you are most likely unaware of what the signs of suicide are.
Furthermore, you are probably unaware of what to do if you encounter those feelings yourself or discover someone you love is suffering from them.
What to look for: signs and symptoms
What signs do we look for?
First and foremost these are general guidelines and are in no way absolutes.
Some signs are more obvious, while others are more subtle.
An obvious sign is someone having or verbalizing that they have suicidal thoughts and/or ideations.
Simply put, the individual is thinking about dying, how to do it, and what will happen if they go through with it.
These are more obvious signs as the individual will often express these thoughts to multiple people and rarely will go through with it.
Subtle signs include those that are less noticeable or associated with suicide.
These are often not expressed by the individual, but can be noticed in their changed behavior.
These can be significant changes in mood such as anger, volatility, recklessness and/or an increase in risk-taking behavior.
The individual may start to withdraw from family and friends, become more reclusive where they were once social.
The individual may turn to substance use that was not present before to numb the feelings or change their state of mind.
They may feel anxious, hopeless or helpless in their situation and are unable to cope with it.
They may also express thoughts of having no purpose to live and that no one would be affected or care if they were gone.
They may express feeling that there is no other way out of a situation.
On the flip side of the coin, their mood could drastically change in an appearingly positive way where they could present much happier than they have been, as they feel a sense of purpose through their plan to take their own life and are determined to see it through.
What do you do if you see these signs
in someone you know or love?
in someone you know or love?
The first step, although maybe the hardest, is to talk to them about what you see and your concerns.
Do this with an open heart and from a place of empathy.
Let them express how they feel and validate their struggle, while letting them know you are there to help and support them.
It is important in these situations that the person feels someone cares about them and wants to help.
At some point
you need to be brave enough
to ask them directly
if they are contemplating suicide.
Ask them if they have a plan, how they would do it and if they have a time frame. If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, then there is an urgency that needs to be addressed.
This can be seen clearly in “13 Reasons Why”.
Hannah creates a clear and precise plan.
She chooses to create 13 tapes, clearly collects all the items she needs (tapes, razor blades, recorder etc), maps out what to record on them and then ends with her taking her own life.
Often, the person will reach out in some way or another, by trying to tell someone what they are feeling or by giving away something that holds a lot of importance for them.
Hannah demonstrates this by making a final attempt to get the attention she needs from her school counsellor.
Suicide is a serious issue, and if you recognize these signs in someone else, it is important that that person is not left alone.
- You can call 911,
- the Suicide Action Hotline,
- the West Island Crisis Center,
- or even present yourself at the Emergency Room of any hospital.
It is a scary thing to do, but you could be preventing an unnecessary death.
If the situation is less urgent, but warrants help, you can visit your local CLSC.
The CLSC can refer you to the appropriate services.
What do you do if YOU
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
are having these thoughts
or recognize these signs in yourself?
If you see the signs in yourself,
it is important that you speak to someone you trust
and create a plan to help yourself.
We encourage clients to create a SAFETY PLAN which includes a list of reasons you shouldn’t harm yourself.
This can be lists of things you love to do, places to visit, things that make you passionate and important relationships in your life such as loved ones, family, friends and pets.
Add a list of resources to call in a time of need
- such as the Suicide Prevention Hotline
- or Crisis Center.
Add people you trust and can speak to on the list including family and friends. Make sure that these are people you can get in touch with if you feel unsafe being alone.
Being aware of these signs and how to provide help might make it easier to catch someone who is contemplating suicide before they act. So please, do not be another face in the crowd.
Reach out if you recognize the suffering in yourself or another.
You could be the difference between life or death.
-Jenn and Sam
For more information on suicide prevention please use the following services:
Suicide Prevention Canada
http://suicideprevention.ca/
Canadian Mental Health Association
They have a page dedicated to services for those facing suicidal thoughts and struggles or friends/family support.
https://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/suicide/
West Island Crisis Centre
Phone: 514-684-6160
Services: 24 hour emergency hotline, psychological assessment, intervention, temporary shelter and equipped with mobile unit for evaluations.
Suicide Action Hotline:
1 866-277-3553
or
514-723-4000
This hotline is open 24/7 and can provide support and assistance.
Author Bios
Let us introduce ourselves. We are mental health case workers, and although that sounds like a big scary title, it is actually just clinical terms for saying that we help people help themselves. Our job is to empower people with the knowledge and tools to help manage any mental health issues they may be facing. This can range from small bouts of depression and anxiety, to suicidal ideation and chronic illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Whatever the concern, we are here to provide support, guidance and direction in riding the wave to recovery.
On a daily basis you can find us meeting with clients and creating Action Plans to accomplish short and long terms goals. We help locate and direct clients and families to community services and organizations. We create and facilitate sport therapy groups, workshops, educational seminars and group activities, all with goal of normalizing mental health issues and empowering clients with the tools and skills to move forward not only in their recovery, but with their life goals. If you are lucky enough, you can even spend time with our onsite therapy pup named Norbert, who is always available and more than willing to give some love and cuddles. Norbert plays his own role as a worker, going out into the community to spread awareness and help with prevention. Our approach is far from traditional and we strive to work outside the clinical “box”. We focus on the individual’s strengths, using their passions and goals to facilitate stability and recovery.
Jenn and Sam
Mental Health Caseworkers
Donate to Support Mental Health Care
Suicide and Depression: Happiness is Sourced From Within
Suicide and Depression
by Frank Mondeose
Wow. Chris Cornell, say it ain't so bro!
Another one leaving us to suicide.
What makes a beautiful, powerful, impactful soul,
take their own life?
Earlier this year, a very popular Tantra teacher in California, Psalm Isadora, also took her life. She was bringing magic into people's lives in such big ways and dedicating her life to sexual health and awakening.
So why?
| | |
What makes these suicides more notable then all the rest of them? To me, it shows that, no matter what it looks like, no matter how shiny the exterior, people are battling their demons every day. So these 2 are great examples, that happiness is not "out there", in perceived "success", but more sourced from within.
How could these 2 individuals with all this light around them take their own life? And why do we sometimes try to glide over that the cause of death is suicide? Shame? Shame of what seems to be an insurmountable sadness that forces someone into the furthest edges of the rational world?
RAW TESTIMONIAL:
I want to share because I think if we speak, others won't feel as alone, because everyone is going through something worthy of escaping from.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but...
I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times.
I have prayed for death. The result: cancer.
My get out of jail free card, as I saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel.
I feel everything.
Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don't even f-ing know.
It is a gift and a curse.
It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
This has often time put me in bouts with depression.
I don't understand.
I don't know anything.
Why am I here?
What does it all mean?
Even when I am doing my best, the world seems to be falling around me.
So what is the f-ing point of being here anyway?
Why don't I just go back to source, where I can be at ONE again and not have to feel?
Ouffff, what a topic.
I need to keep it short to keep your attention.
Bear with me. :)
So why am I still here?
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason.
So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything:
Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving.
This is all I can f-ing do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA
In ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness.
I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality,
as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here?
Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality),
by yearning to return to "Oneness" through suicide
as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul's call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible.
"You will never get there."
Everything about suicide is in the realm of duality:
me, my soul, my emotions, life, death, killing, who is doing the killing, for what purpose...the mind is engaged.
Duality.
The ceremonial intention to return to Oneness
is littered with duality.
"So, live your life.
If you have a death wish, live it bigger than ever,
and see where that takes you.
But live it, and live it fully, from the core of your heart!"
I don't know how all this is landing with you, but to me it unlocked the concept of my divine, gifted time, I have here, and that every feeling and emotion,
is a gift.
Every heart break, every longing, every broken expectation, every laugh, every cuddle, every orgasm, is all a gift.
A gift that brings us back to the realm of experience.
Oneness sounds blissful, but i don't think it will feel like anything more than *everything all at once*.
So while we are here, engage the singular experience of feelings, and emotions, and allow them to put you on a path of self-discovery, and soul alignment.
This is why I can live so boldly.
This is why I can speak my mind so clearly.
This is my time.
This is the blessing I was gifted with, and there is no person, no culture, no authority, that will tone me down, because my soul speaks to me and tells me that I was put here to SHINE, and it is my divine responsibility to use this time, while I am here and gifted with it, to open my HEART, to FIND MY BLISS and SHINE.
And there is no way to make that happen if I am more focused on what others will think of me if I live out my bold truth.
With love, respect, and gratitude for all and those souls who felt the need to go, instead of living it out here with the rest of us.
You are great teachers.
xo
-Frank Mondeose
About The Author
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
Frank Mondeose is the owner of Monde Osé is which is a lifestyle brand focused on promoting the understanding and enjoyment of life, love and sensuality. Their mission is to offer distinguished sexy entertainment and seduce our audience while maintaining a classy high end product.
Read Frank Mondeose's past posts here:
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/burlesque-101
http://www.franktalks.com/blog/intro-to-sexual-shamanism-workshop-montreal
Such a Thing as Happily Single?
Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit
Is being single really that bad?
After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life.
Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone,
and maybe you happen to be one of those people?
How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you
and is it even possible to be content, o
r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love?
As always, that answer is completely up to you.
 Learn To Manage Different Kinds of Relationships | The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete. |
Without having experienced
what a health loving relationship can be,
or not having experienced the positive attributes
of being with someone that cares for you,
it is challenging for someone
to see the value is pursuing a goal
they have no concept of.
 Make TIME For YOU | Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. |
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon.
This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
| I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with. |  Make It Happen |
Dismissed as laziness by some,
the lack of willingness
to put in the work required
to change behavior patterns
is nothing to scoff at.
Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone.
It takes work.
The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life.
It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change.
When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations.
To paraphrase:
"Are you better off with that person,
or better off without that person?"
There is no set answer.
It completely depends on the context of your situation.
There are a number of other factors to consider
in the answer to this question.
- Are you very miserable,
- or just so-so bored with your partner?
- Is your partner a good parent to your kids,
- or are your kids in danger around your partner?
- Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner,
- or have you settled into a quiet existence that you find bland?
- Is your partner someone you can rely on,
- or is your partner a dead beat?
- If you were alone, would you be able to manage
- Are you just a negative person
- will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave?
| | Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting? |
| Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. | |
If you complain about being in a relationship,
again do something about it.
| | Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in. |
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date.
Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be.
Frank Kermit
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Frank Kermit MA, is an expert Relationship & Dating Coach with 25 years of experience. He is an author of original content books, eBooks and audio products. he has written many publications online and in print. He is frequently asked to be a guest speaker for media and events.
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