Blog of Frank Kermit of Frank Talks

How To Know Your Worth

4/16/2021

Self love is based on more than your achievements. Keep reading to learn 3 ways to help you discover your own self worth and share it with others.

Show Others You Value Yourself

Many of us can struggle to understand and care for our own worth. We often think that our self-respect needs to be predicated on achievements, or our behavior. Of course, this last point isn’t that strange to consider, if you’re continually lying to people, failing to meet your responsibilities and struggling to move forward, then it’s not hard to lose a little of your self-regard.

But that’s not always the healthiest way forward. For instance, someone suffering from addiction will only struggle further if they repeatedly chastise themselves, as the first step to them getting help is admitting they need it and that they are worth of it. As you can see, self-worth is deeper and more important than we may give it credit for.

But how can you know your worth? After all, not all of us are in life or death situations like this, but we may simply be dealing with confidence issues, or wish to change our direction anew in life, or perhaps we just want to validate ourselves after our partner has repeatedly failed to do so in a bad relationship. In our guide, we hope to help you:

Practice Self-Love

It’s hard to know your self-worth if you do little to affirm it. Sometimes, practicing it in actions, not with words, can help. For instance, going out and exercising and treating yourself well with nutrition shows that you are the kind of person who is worth being taken care of. Additionally, practicing self-love by taking it easy, meditating, learning the power of ‘no’ or simply taking yourself to a show you like to see (even if your friends aren’t interested) can be a great idea. These are the matters we end up remembering going forward.

Know Your Boundaries

Being able to understand our boundaries, and more importantly, being able to enforce them properly is also a good idea. Knowing your boundaries is the means by which we can turn down social dates if we need to, or to take a mental health day by booking a sick day from working from time to time. It’s in telling our partner that we want to be more involved in the financial planning or that we need the morning after pill, or in being able to try something like veganism or without apology and without explanation to those who may disapprove. Knowing your boundaries helps you become a healthier, happier and more wholesome person.

Sustain Good Friendships

It’s important to sustain good friendships, because we take more direction and influence from our closest friends than we may imagine. Taking the time to sustain good friendships and making sure that people are good to you, and you are good to them can allow you to feel less alone, as we are social beings and deserve to have those who support us. Having friends who we can rely on is also an essentially important activity, providing us with the means to better ourselves appropriately, and also feeling part of a tight unit. That helps us know our worth as having close relationships allows us to fully blossom.

With this advice, we hope you can more readily know your worth, which is no doubt bountiful.

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Dealing With Major Life Events

3/6/2021

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Are you able to handle major life events well? Keep reading to learn 5 ways that can help you cope when life throws something new your way.

From time to time, there are always going to be various life events that crop up and completely throw you. This is just a part of life, and it can be very distressing indeed, but you can also get to a point where you are dealing with those events fairly well, or at least minimising what impact they are having on you psychologically. In this post, we are going to take a look at the process of dealing with major life events. If you can learn to approach some of the following, you should find that it is easier than you might have thought to deal with even the worst of what life can throw at you.

Positive Self Talk Can Help You Stay Balanced

Try To Stay Balanced

There is a lot of talk about what the primary goal should be as you try to navigate this kind of situation. But something that is bound to be worth aiming for is to try and stay as balanced as possible. As long as you are balanced, it means that you are probably dealing with the psychological aspects of it fairly well, and you are more likely to be able to move on from it as well as possible too.

So what can you do to try and stay balanced? There are a few key things that might help. For instance, you could aim to recalibrate how you view the very fact of uncertainty. It is often the uncertainty about the future that makes this kind of experience so worrying, but you should aim to remind yourself that being uncertain doesn’t mean that the future is actually going to be bad. You can also balance yourself through positive self-talk and by making a plan for the near future. As long as you remain balanced, you should find it a lot easier and simpler to deal with whatever comes your way.

Finding & Embracing The Transition

Almost all major life changes are really forms of transition, where life is changing from one kind of experience to another. If you can start to view things in this way more than as a loss (even if there is also some loss there to be reckoned with) you are much more likely to deal with the situation in a positive manner, so that is absolutely something that you should think about. In order to do this, you might want to ask yourself just what the transition is here, and then the hard part is trying to get really excited about that, rather than merely remaining fearful. If you can do that, you should find that you are able to work with the situation a lot more, rather than working against it, as can be natural to do.

Change Your Point Of View

In some forms of major life events, this can be especially hard to do. For instance, if someone close to you has died, you might not want to just immediately treat it as a transition. You will of course need time to grieve. But over time, ultimately you get out of the mire by seeing it as such, so this is still something to keep in the back of your mind.

Keep Up Your Regular Schedule As Best As You Can

It is totally normal and natural for these big life events to completely change your daily experience, but if you want to try and keep a handle on things you might want to think about trying to keep up your regular schedule as best as you possibly can. This may be challenging, of course, but even if you just manage to keep a few of your normal things in place, you should be able to have a much easier time of the whole thing, so it really is worth thinking about for that reason.

Even just going to the same cafe you would normally visit or aiming to get up at the same time can really help. If you are finding it too difficult, try to do a little less. But bear in mind that having at least a ghost of the schedule in place can work as a very effective form of ballast, helping to keep you afloat even in the toughest times.

Don't Do It All Alone

Get Help Managing The Ins & Outs

All major life events come with a lot of various things you have to do to get through them, not just the emotional stuff but also other ordinary things. For instance, moving house means that you need to sort out your home and do a lot of paperwork, get insurance and so on. When someone close to you dies, you have to think about organising a funeral, finding appropriate cemetery grave markers, contacting your distant relatives and so on. It is best if you have someone on your side to give you a hand with all of this, as otherwise it can just make things all the more overwhelming.

Keep In Touch With People

It can be very easy to fall out of touch with the important people in your life when you are going through something huge. But it is important to have them by your side as much as possible, and you never know when you might need them all the more, so you should aim to keep in touch with them as best as you can. If you do that, you are much more likely to have an easier time dealing with whatever is going on for you, no matter how serious or stressful or exhausting it might be. Do your best to keep picking up the phone or getting on social media to contact people, and you will find that you are much more likely to get through the situation in one piece.

If you can take all of this advice on board, you are much more likely to get through any major life event intact. Be sure to try for all of this, but also to forgive yourself when you fail to do any of it. That is also just part of the process.

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How Anxiety and Depression Affects your Love Life

7/15/2020

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Working on your mental and emotional health will benefit you and your relationships. Keep reading to learn more.

You May Be Feeling More Anxious or Depressed During COVID

If the COVID pandemic has brought out mental and emotional problems you weren’t aware you were dealing with, you’re not alone. According to multiple recent studies, rates of anxiety and depression have skyrocketed. In comparison to last year at this same time, people were twice as likely to be displaying signs of anxiety or depression. When mental struggles arise, it can be hard to deal with basic everyday needs, let alone seek out a new relationship or work on your love life.

Making the first steps of seeking help for anxiety, relationship problems, depression, grief counseling, or generalized social anxiety is hard, but it’s also the most important thing you can do for yourself and your partner or future partner.

When is it time to find outside help?

If you have found yourself struggling with emotional or mental problems and are unsure if it’s time to seek counselling therapy, ask yourself the following questions:

Have I really tried to do things to improve my life or mental stability, but haven’t found any reprieve from symptoms?

Do I constantly think that life could get better if just the next positive thing happened? (For example, “If I just get a raise, my depression will go away.)

Do I suddenly want to retreat from my social life with no apparent reason? (If you’re making excuses for every social interaction, this is a sign you may need to seek help.)

Your Mental & Emotional Health Can Affect Your Relationships

What are the ways that these mental or emotional problems affect your relationships?

When you suffer from exhausting emotional difficulties or mental disorders that are left untreated, your sacrifice not only yourself but your relationships as well. Here are ways that various disorders or mental illnesses may impact your love life:

Self-isolation. If your social anxiety is causing you to feel isolated, you’re likelier to automatically self-isolate further. When you suffer from social anxiety, the time you need people most, you may in fact be withdrawing more.

If you have anxiety about your relationship that you did not have before, constantly seeking reassurance will actually create barriers between you rather than bring your closer. Self-doubt is often associated with depression and anxiety.

Depression brings negatives to light and shrinks the positives. This may mean you’re criticizing your partner in ways you wouldn’t have otherwise done, pushing them further away, and creating arguments unnecessarily.

Anxiety does not always appear the same for everyone. Those who suffer from anxiety may find themselves lashing out, lacking patience, or even having impaired communication from stress.

If you’re noticing your relationship is taking a toll, stop blaming yourself and instead seek help to remedy this. Therapy and counselling are some of the best ways to help you and your relationship. If you’re making the excuse of not seeking help for yourself because you assume that all therapy options are closed due to COVID-19, think again. Therapists and counselors know that the pandemic has bought up a plethora of issues ranging from self-doubt to severe depression, and because of that, many previously face-to-face appointments are now being done via phone and online options. It’s time to make that phone call to find the help you need.

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How to Reduce Mental Health Issues

6/24/2020

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Mental health is important to our well being. Read more to learn ways to help your mental health.

Mental illnesses are not preventable. Let’s get that out of the way. There are definitely some ways for you to reduce the episodes, but when it comes to straight up prevention, that is usually a tall order.
With that said, there are some ways you can reduce episodes of mental illness and keep your mental health up. Let’s look at some ways.

A Healthy Lifestyle

First, having a healthy lifestyle is one of the best ways to keep your mental health up. Here are some ways to have a healthy lifestyle.

1. Get adequate sleep. Around 7-9 hours a night is recommended, though some needs change. If you are suffering from chronic insomnia, try adjusting your sleep hygiene. Unwind before bed, sleep in a cool, dark room, and do things that make you tired. If you are still having problems, get support through a therapist.

2. Eat healthily. Try to eat right most days and eat a balanced diet. This isn’t to say you can’t have the occasional treat, but don’t make it a habit. Eating right can give you energy and keep your mental health up.

3. Get exercise daily. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help improve your mood. Plus, it gives you energy and improves your physical health too. With exercise, you don’t have to go hardcore; a little walk outside can be what you need.

4. Get checkups regularly to make sure you're healthy. More on in this later. When you get checkups, you can not only talk about health concerns, but you can improve any problems before they get worse.

Try Meditation and Mindfulness

One way you can keep your mental health up is to meditate or be mindful. While these are found in Eastern religions, these techniques apply all across the board.

With meditation, the effects are quite obvious. When one is controlling their breathing, it can calm down their anxiety or restlessness. When you are clearing your mind of self-defeating thoughts, they will have less of an impact on your mental health.

Mindfulness is the full awareness of the present. It is achieved through meditation as well as being more aware of your surroundings.

Many of our mental health issues are caused by worry or regret. We worry about the future, especially with things we can’t control. Meanwhile, we may regret the past. Mindfulness teaches you that both mindsets are toxic, and you should try to avoid either whenever possible.

Another way to meditate and be mindful is through guided imagery. You imagine yourself in a location and use all five senses to your advantage. It’s a great distraction, and many people will use it to sleep, tool.

Mindfulness and meditation do not require any special teaching. While an instructor can help, you can also look at videos or apps that teach it. There is no gatekeeping with these techniques.

Finally, the biggest lesson both can teach you is to let go of what you can’t change. There’s a lot we can’t change in this world, and you shouldn’t use your energy on it. Instead, work towards what you can change, and you will go far in your life. Good luck.

Let Go Of What You Can't Change

Get Help Whenever You Can

Another way you can prevent mental health issues is to get help when you can. By help, we are referring to physical and mental health care. Let’s discuss both.

Physical

Going to a doctor when you feel unwell can help your physical health, which does have a positive effect on your mental health as well. When you go to a doctor, also talk about any mental health problems you have. They can help you when you have issues.

Mental

Getting mental health care from a therapist or counselor is possibly the best way to prevent issues or treat current problems.
Don’t wait until your mental health is at a low to get help. Here are some reasons why you may want to seek help.

1. When there is a big life change. Life changes can include something such as a move, a loss in the family, heartbreak, or another issue as well. When you are experiencing a life change, you may not see the mental implications until it’s too late.

2. When you’re dealing with too much stress. We all have to deal with stress from time to time, but too much stress can take a physical or mental toll on you. A therapist can’t make all your problems magically disappear, but what they can give you is the resources needed to tackle them. From creating a plan to teaching you how to let go of what you can’t change, talk to a therapist about it.

3.When you are having interpersonal problems. Whether it’s problems with your friends, family, or spouse, it can take a toll on your mental health. In addition, it can sometimes be hard to solve these problems on your own. When both people are shouting at each other and they don’t know how to resolve their issues, trying to resolve can backfire without a couples or family therapist. If you are considering online therapy, websites like ReGain can be valuable.

4. If you just want someone to talk to. That’s a valid enough reason to seek help. We all get lonely, or want to talk to someone who is objective. A therapist can help with that.

Sometimes, you may need to take medication for depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. The best way to handle this is to think of the medication as ammo against the symptoms, while you use therapy to try to defeat the cause. Don’t rely only on medication, but also don’t avoid it. It can be helpful for you.

Conclusion

Keeping your mental help up is important, especially as you grow older. Your mind is important, and it’s not something you want to lose. By getting help, being mindful, and being as healthy as possible, you can improve your overall mental health.

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Support Networking: Getting Help During The Hardest Parts Of Life

6/17/2020

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How to Declutter after a Heartbreak

4/8/2020

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Read some coping strategies that may help you after a breakup.

Change Your Environment To Help You Move Forward After A Breakup

Moving on after a heartbreak is difficult when you’re still surrounded by everything that reminds you of shared memories with a former lover. It can be especially hard if you’ve lived with them for a long time. You may find yourself unable to continue with your life after the heartbreak. In this case, changing your environment may be the solution you need to get back on your feet.

Removing the physical ties that still connect you to your past is a good first step to moving on. If you can afford to do so, go on and start planning a redecorating project. But something simple like getting rid of tangible remnants of a past love can substantially help you take that first crucial step to healing.

Hide Them

If you have just broken up, purging the things they owned or once shared with you may not be very easy to do. You may be tempted to keep some of them, and that is totally acceptable if you are not willing to do just yet.

But you can let go gradually by keeping them in boxes and storing them out of sight. This way, you don’t have to mistakenly throw some memorabilia that you may want to keep once you are ready.

Clean Up, Clean Out

You don’t have to pressure yourself to throw out something you know you already should. You may decide to hide it for a time. But ultimately getting rid of these items will be most helpful in your way to moving on.

If you find yourself needing to get rid of a bunch of stuff that are still useful, you can donate them or put them on sale. You can always hold a garage sale where you can include a bunch of your other stuff, or you can sell them online.

Selling them online would be a smart move especially if you’re holding a prized collectible or item.

Give Them a New Look!

Throwing out a bed or a couch is mighty expensive. It’s understandable that, even if you’d want to do so, you may not be able to for the meantime. In this case, it would be more practical to look for more creative ways to dress up the space around it, move it around, or just give it a new look!

For example, you can choose to buy new beddings or sofa covers. You can try putting up tapestries behind the couch or buying a new set of extra punchy pillows.

To freshen up the mood, you can always add a new layer of paint or hang a funny artwork! It all depends on your creativity. Go bold, and have fun reclaiming your space.

Formally Say Goodbye

Not necessarily to them. But you can hold a small personal goodbye ritual for yourself. Saying goodbye is a way of acknowledging that the relationship has ended, that you did what you could, and that it is time to move forward with your life.

There’s no one way to say goodbye. Some consider purging out shared objects as ritual enough. Others burn pictures. Some may not even see a point in it at all. But many others find their own rituals helpful, and if you have not tried it before, this may work for you as well.

Create A GoodBye Ritual For Yourself

Self-Love

It’s easy to lose yourself after a breakup. The ending may have made you feel inadequate and unwanted. This can cause a spiral of negative feelings toward yourself. However, there’s no better time for self-love than when you’re feeling down.

So make a point to go to the spa, get your hair done, relax and unwind for a day, or go on a trip out of town. Spending time with yourself to process what has recently transpired in your life can help you internalize the lessons learned from these events and accept it for what it is.

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The Techniques That Can Boost Confidence Today

10/18/2019

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Read 5 confidence building tips to help you boost your confidence in no time at all!

Sometimes our confidence levels can take a bit of a knock. It might be in the workplace, at home or in a relationship. When confidence is at its lowest, it can often have you feeling down and even feeling symptoms of low mood and anxiety as you start to question your actions and life choices. Sometimes we don’t even realise that our confidence has taken a knock, and this can start to have a negative impact on our lifestyles.

However, confidence is one of those things that is taught and isn’t a natural aspect of who you are. We have to realise that we can always build ourselves back up, whether that means feeling confident in the workplace or generally making more positive choices in our life that can give us the push to move forward. So if you feel that your confidence is at an all time low then don’t despair, try these techniques that could have you boosting your confidence in no time at all.

Confidence Is Taught

It is all in the mind

When it comes to confidence, it is important to understand that a lot of what you feel is in your mind. You are controlling your thoughts and therefore if you feel anxious and unconfident then what you are thinking is playing a vital role in that. Switch the thought process around and start thinking positive and confident. Even if it does feel like you are faking it. It can make a world of difference to how you act and eventually you will believe in yourself more and have the confidence. What we feel can be portrayed into thoughts, what we think can then be turned into actions, so it is important to start managing your emotions and feelings from wishing, which in turn can help you to change your mindset. It is time to think about what you want to feel and not be controlled by it.

Think about what you wear

When it comes to the clothes you wear, think about how you wear them and dress to your body shape but also dress for the occasion. You may be surprised to read that actually having clothes that not only enable you to suit your personality, but also work within the environment, can give you a huge boost in your confidence. This is especially important if you have a particular routine and a certain type of attire to wear each day, such as heading to work. Take a high powered sales job,for example, you may want to look into wearing custom high end mens suits so that you feel able to approach the situation. This can then give you confidence because you know that you look the part. Feeling good in the clothes that you're in can instantly lift your confidence levels.

Put on a happy face

It may sound very simple but just put on your happy face and smile. Smiling can work wonders for your confidence and as you smile out and about you will begin to notice that the world will smile along with you. This can then help you to feel better about life and change your outlook from a negative one into a positive one. Sometimes this simple action can actually be one of the hardest things to do each day, so it is understandable that if at first you start to struggle with the mentality of just smiling. Even when you feel scared, anxious and afraid to do so. However, it is all to do with mindset, and the action can help turn a negative situation into a positive. Faking it until it starts to feel more natural.

Take better care of yourself

Sometimes it can mean that your just need to take better care of yourself when it comes to your appearance and also how you feel. From exercising more regularly and eating the right things, to getting a good night's sleep and spending tie with people that make you feel good rather than bring you down.

Celebrate the victories and small wins

Finally, don’t forget to celebrate the victories and the small wins that you will have daily. It may sound crazy, but celebrating the fact that you did well in something can boost your confidence to feel better about life in general. The small win might just be getting through a hard day at work, walking somewhere or completing a project on time, but they are your victories to celebrate. Being your own champion can really help boost confidence levels.

Let’s hope that these tips help you to start boosting your confidence levels.

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Could You Be A Part Of A Toxic Relationship?

12/21/2018

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Are you in a possible toxic relationship?
Are you looking to help someone who is in a toxic relationship? What is a toxic relationship?
Learn more in this contributed post.

Have Faith In Your Own Self-Awareness

The compulsion to explore whether you’re in a toxic relationship could be due to; your own perception of your relationship or your concern over someone else's, the suggestion by another that you are in a bad relationship without your awareness, or even the thought that you may be the perpetrator, the victim or that both of you in the relationship are accomplices in being abusive to one another. This post sets the foundation for how we can stop violence against women and men, by gaining an understanding of how we interpret toxic relationships, identifying some of the common mechanisms of an abusive relationship, to having faith in your own self-awareness and taking steps to prevent, stop abuse or leave a relationship entirely.

How Do We Determine A Toxic Relationship?

For a person to define a relationship as healthy or toxic, is for a person to judge based on their own morals, values, beliefs and their acceptance of the law that governs their state to determine what is proper behavior and actions in a relationship and what is wrong. However, no two peoples beliefs, values, upbringing and experience of seeing and being in relationships are exactly the same. Furthermore, toxicity doesn’t arrive wrapped in the same packaging for everyone to define it as something that’s immediately obvious. It creeps up in all shapes and forms, sometimes unnoticed such as the gaslighting effect, manipulation, and mind games other times tragically obvious, such as forcing substance misuse, murdering or raping of a partner. In other cases, it’s difficult for someone who is prone to being the victim, to see that they might also contribute in being abusive themselves. For some of the signs that distinguish whether you may be involved in a bad relationship, preview the next section.

Common Traits Of Toxic Relationships

Part of this post is to explore beyond the us and them view, “they are the abusers, and I am the victim,” it’s also to create a sense of self-awareness on whether we may unknowingly actually be abusive ourselves. By previewing the signs below, this may trigger whether you may be the culprit, accomplice or victim of a toxic relationship.

Consistent critical judgment - a partner who puts you down regularly knowingly or unknowingly, which makes you lose confidence, doubt yourself and might make you change yourself.
Dishonesty - lack of trust between partners, whether with merit due to an event that has left you to distrust another or without any cause at all.
Control - emotionally or physically controlling aspects of your life without invitation or approval. Such as the clothes you wear, the food you eat, your finances, what you can and can’t do or say, where you can and can’t go. Control can appear in the form of threats to prevent you from exhibiting certain behavior or actions. Bouts of pleasant behavior may trick you into believing your partner means you no harm and implements controlling behavior to “protect” you.
Physical harm - fear or apprehension caused intentionally or recklessly by hurting another on their body. Cutting someone's hair is also physical harm if you have not been permitted by the person to do it.
Gaslighting effect - a slow, unnoticeable process of brainwashing, a method of manipulation used gradually by lying, confusing the victim, calling the other crazy, making them doubt what is real (a method used in cults, for example, the Charles Manson murders). It may be difficult to recognize if you’re a victim of gaslighting.

This is a non-exhaustive list of how abuse might occur between two people.

Self Awareness In Relationships

With the above mentioned it may be difficult to define whether some of these situations you have endured could be interpreted as abuse, or you may convince yourself that although some of the above mentioned may have happened in your relationship, that they’re not severe and won’t lead to any other toxic behavior. When we’re in a relationship, it’s difficult for us to see things objectively. Moreover, when we’re outside of a relationship, we may fail to see the whole picture and what actually occurs behind doors. However, if you feel you may be inflicting or have inflicted harm on someone else you can seek professional help to prevent violence in your relationship and any issues escalating into irreparable damage that could affect you or another person both physically and psychologically. Never doubt your feelings if you think you are being mistreated, or that you are hurting someone close to you. Your emotions and gut instinct will give you an indication that something isn’t right in your relationship. To prevent falling victim to or being part of the abusive pattern in your relationships, there are preventative measures that can be taken.

Don’t make way for abusive behavior by consciously pushing your moral boundaries back to allow for abuse. Don’t discount your feelings towards abuse as unimportant. Don’t fall into an oblivion of believing normalized abuse portrayed by the media on tv, films and social media is what love entails. Protect yourself as you would your own children, be protective of your mind and body and seek family, friends and professional support from organizations such as https://www.thehotline.org/help/ to enable you to take steps to solve or end your relationship problems. More than anything, don’t wait and hope it won’t happen again.

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Mental Health Recovery and The Roller-Coaster of Love

8/21/2018

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Mental Health Recovery and Dating

Mental Health Recovery & The Roller-Coaster of Love
by Elodie Bruton

If there’s one thing that can make us feel crazy:

it is love.

So what happens when you have a mental health problem and are looking for love?

I am a community mental health worker at Centre Bienvenue and want to share how love relates to recovery.

Suffering from a mental illness, being hospitalized, having to stop working, dropping out of school and accumulating multiple crisis or setbacks drastically shapes a person’s confidence and self-worth.

When a person is going through a crisis or is at the beginning of dealing with their mental illness, life can feel like it's coming to a stop.

And when the initial shock is over, often the main focus is trying to remain stable, taking care of oneself and not rock the boat.

What follows is a feeling that your dreams have been shattered.

That you will never be the person you wanted to be.

This translates into despair, discouragement and a general feeling that suffering from a mental illness means never having a family, a job, a ‘normal’ life.

And here we have the image of:

a person watching life go by.
A person who lost hope.
A person who is frozen in their life without any capacity to inherently try new things, to take risks.

However, dating, falling in love, and meeting your soulmate requires taking a risk.

Mental health recovery means emerging from this crisis by redefining oneself, finding new interest, discovering your strengths, trying new things, finding you have talent in those things and slowly rebuilding your self-confidence.

Recovery does not necessarily mean being cured but rather living beyond the illness.

Where the illness does not define your life anymore.

Therefore being able to have a relationship with a partner is an important part of overcoming the illness and getting back the feeling of normalcy and of being an active part of society.

Unfortunately the importance of being in a relationship can often be overlooked by a persons treating team.

Dating is not seen as a priority in their stability.

Also when mental stability is the main focus of their treatment, the high and lows created by love can even seem counter intuitive.

There is a perception that the person is at a high risk of becoming unstable because of an incapacity to regulate emotional upheavals.

This is scary for mental health workers trying to stabilize a patient to prevent re-hospitalization or suicide attempts.

But it is also scary for the person suffering from a mental illness, as well as for family and friends.

Dating requires us to engage in a range of emotions:

the high of being in love,
the lows of the heartbreak,
the insecurities,
self-doubt,
the uncertainty of the other’s feeling,
the pressure to perform
or the fear of rejection.

But learning to overcome this fear, finding tools to deal with emotions and gaining enough self-confidence to take that risk is what mental health recovery is all about.

Support Mental Health Recovery

About The Author

Elodie Bruton

Elodie Bruton is a community mental health worker at
Centre Bienvenue.

She organizes therapeutic adventure groups,
a support group for voice hearers
and a recovery group.

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The Hidden Trauma of Niceness

8/10/2018

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robert glover, dr, no more mr nice guy, drglover

Hidden Trauma of Niceness

Learn about the hidden trauma behind nice guy behaviors in this contributed post

The Hidden Trauma of Niceness
by JR from Austin

As a recovering nice guy spending plenty of time in therapy, research and self-reflection I have noticed that one of the serious causes of my nice guy behavior is complex emotional trauma.

Growing up in my highly controlled home I learned how to be nice through punishment for doing the wrong thing.

Instead of being properly corrected I was punished physically or through shame (i.e.: the doghouse).

Since the home was controlled through a narcissistic matriarchy I was punished when I would stand up for myself or saying anything that challenged my mother's viewpoints.

Niceness was reinforced through coercion.

Because of that I developed CPTSD and have constant flashbacks.

Flashbacks are emotional responses that are triggered by sensitive events that would send a person emotionally back to the time they were being abused.

With proper treatment and acknowledgment of these issues a person can minimize or even completely remove the emotional charge of these flashbacks.

Now where this all ties in with Complex Trauma is that the man has been conditioned from his formative years to associate assertive behaviors with rejection and abuse.

He will cling to his nice guy behavior like a glove since consciously he will think it is the right thing to do.

(A lot of the time nice behavior is the right thing to do)

On a deeper subconscious emotional level though he will cling to it since he has been programmed to believe assertive behavior will lead to abuse and rejection.

When abuse and rejection happen it will often cause him to flashback to when he was a child and was getting abused.

Because the flashbacks are so horrible he will cling to the nice guy behavior to avoid them at all costs.

This will cause the nice guy to cling to cowardly behaviors in situations when assertiveness is absolutely necessary.

Behaving in an attractive manner with women is something that comes to mind here.

Now is this condition hopeless?

Absolutely not.

The more a person has been traumatized the more time and effort they will need to work through the damage.

First and foremost the traumatized person would need to go see a qualified therapist who understands complex trauma as it relates to the person's individual need.

A female therapist who specializes in helping women who have been abused by past lovers would probably not understand the needs of a man who has been emasculated etc.

Second the person would need to be driven to work on the problem on his own as well. He can learn new skills and understand how the bullying tactics were used against him.

Learning that will help him find a new sense of empowerment.

Third, the situation tends to be highly ingrained into the psyche so the person would have to be patient with the process. It can take years for someone with CPTSD to heal.

With this hard work and patience the traumatized nice guy can build a far better life and start winning instead of just breaking even.

By no means is this article comprehensive. It is worth checking out Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. That book gives a very thorough look into CPTSD.

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