Read this contributed post to discover ways you can add some spice to your marriage!
We all know how it is. When you begin dating, you are all too familiar with those feelings of butterflies in your stomach and when you see each other, you just can’t wait to get your hands all over one another.
But as time goes on, you become more used to each other, and though your love it still deep, the spark just seems to be gone. So, what to you do to spice things up? Here are a few ideas.
When you were young, the two of you went out together often. But now, there barely seems to be time for you to get together. And even if there is time, you have to think about getting baby sitters for the kids and the expense of treating yourselves to a restaurant or movie.
Well, for the sake of your marriage, it may be time to throw practicality out the door. Even taking some time out to take a walk in the park or sit on the hood of your car watching the stars can be a great way for the two of you to rekindle that old flame. And no matter how much money you may spend…it’s still a lot cheaper than a divorce!
Bring Sexy Back
When marriages start to become ho-hum, one of the first places couples will feel it is in the bedroom. Limited time and having the kids around makes it hard for you to find the time to be intimate, and as you have grown used to each other, the spark just seems to be gone.
Well, there are little things you can do to bring that spark back. Send each other sexy texts during the day. Take time out to look attractive. Take little moments to whisper in each other’s ears. Touch each other often. Go shopping together for sexy toys and lingerie. Try something new in the bedroom.
These are all things you can do to bring sex back on the mind to ensure that you both make it a priority in your marriage.
After you are married for a while, anniversaries can start to seem ho-hum. Many couples barely acknowledge these milestones while others forget about them entirely.
This year, when your anniversary is a few months away, start thinking of planning something big. A vacation or a night on the town can be great ways to celebrate, but throwing a big party with family and friends will surely bring some of the excitement back.
Anniversary parties can be small cocktail affairs or big ragers so decide which direction you want to take it in. But whatever you do, be sure to hire a band that can provide the right mood. There are many cover bands who can do anything from sultry jazz standards to rock and pop hits assuring they will be right for any type of event.
A band is sure to get you and your husband, along with your guests, on the dance floor for slow, romantic numbers as well as upbeat, energetic tunes.
Don’t Forget the Small Stuff
Lastly, don’t forget to be kind to each other. Little gestures of kindness, like turning down the bed, helping each other around the house, or just saying thank you can go a long way in letting your spouse know they are still loved and appreciated.
The flame of many marriages can fizzle as the years go on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep your love going strong. Take time out to be with your spouse, keep things sexy, celebrate your love and show each other you care and you are sure to have a marriage that will stand up to the test of time.
What Makes Couples Last According To A Professional Montreal Relationship Coach
Facts about love that make sense.
by Irene Terehova
Throw Back Thursday.
An interview between Irene Terehova and Frank Kermit for MTL Blog from 2016
A very common problem I see in modern relationships is the longevity struggle. Relationships and marriages don't last. Break ups and divorces are at an all time rise. Why is this happening? Why are Montrealers losing patience and not willing to work harder? Is giving up on love the right way to go?
So I got in touch with Frank Kermit today, a Montreal based relationship and dating coach, in hopes of finding the truth in this confusing subject matter. Frank gave a beautiful and easy breakdown to my two simple questions.
Why do modern couples break up and divorce so often, Frank?
"The difference between a couple that lasts and a couple that divorces all comes down to their emotional needs. Each individual has a set of emotional needs. Although the emotional needs tend to be similar from person to person, each individual has a unique profile detailing, which emotional needs are more important and which ones are less important. A person with a high degree of the emotional need fear of abandonment will react very differently than a person with a lower degree of that same emotional need.
Couples come together because the emotional needs of both people are addressed when they are involved with each other. Couples break apart (separation and divorce) when the emotional needs of one (or both) of the people are very violated.
The emotional needs of an individual can also change over time. [...] For example, a person who is at a stage of life where their children are grown and they have arranged for financial security that is not dependent on any particular employer may not place too much importance on an emotional need like protection of reputation, as the person may have done at a younger age. So it can happen where a couple [who has been] together for a long time, have changed as individuals and thus their emotional needs have changed, and their relationship as it stands, can no longer address their particular new emotional needs."
What needs to be changed in order to make modern relationships last?
The only thing that really would have to change that would be realistic, is for people to learn the skills needed to manage their abundance of choice.
Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it, the power of choice, without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs.
[...] A person can choose to date, get married, have children, live together, not date at all, be child-free, be a single parent, date multiple people at the same time, have multiple sex partners at the same time, even have polyamourous multi-partner romantic relationship families. The sky is no longer the limit, as the freedom of choices for how people choose to manage their romantic lives has reached beyond the stars.
[...] A person that does not know him or her self, their personal boundaries, or who has never thought critically about what is in their own best long term interest is at a disadvantage, and may end up choosing the wrong partners to get involved with, and worse…could potentially walk away from a great life to choose a new partner and life that lands that person in emotional ruins.
Dating and Relationship Coach
Author of 15 books and 20 audio lectures sets, including:
The Emotional Needs of Women Analysis Workbook
The Emotional Needs of Men Analysis Workbook
In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity.
This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity.
An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think.
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma”
I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand.
So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%.
For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help.
It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers.
Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives.
In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends!
They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns).
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
Released July 21 2017, Updated on March 1, 2018
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the program Find The One Elite with host Antia Boyd. On this show Frank talks about The Top Emotional Needs Of Single Men & Women.
Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
by Frank Kermit
I have been coaching for nearly two decades at the time of writing this article. There are times when I feel very proud and inspired by certain coaching clients of mine.
And other times, I see really good people, with really good hearts, just not acting as if they are willing to do the work necessary to have the love lives they so desperately claim to want.
It takes hard work and sacrifice to makes changes in a person’s life.
The more ingrained and practiced your repeating behavior patterns, the more challenging it will be to change those same behavior patterns and replace them with new behavior patterns. Learning the theory of addressing the emotional needs of others (and standing up for yourself) is just a first step in the process.
Putting it into practice, especially when you are not used to it, can be a little more intense than what most people are comfortable with doing.
Perhaps it is a person that you need to stay away from, but you are just so drawn to the person, that despite every time you break up, somehow you end up becoming lovers again. No matter how much you know better, you crave that person, almost as if you were addicted to that person (and maybe on some level you are). You know your love life cannot evolve to someone new until you separate yourself from your current toxic environment, but it feels like you cannot help yourself.
Perhaps you need to show more interest when pursuing a new person, or when a new person pursues you. But instead of being more assertive in your pursuit to set a date, or being more inviting when someone has the courage to make the first move in approaching you, you act disinterested to the point of pushing the other person away. You did not mean to push the other person away; you just wanted to protect yourself from appearing too needy or desperate. So you treated them like a casual distraction to the point they were no longer motivated to be in your company.
Perhaps it is a matter of standing up for yourself and telling others exactly what you are thinking. Maybe someone you liked did something that really did not sit well with you, and you tried to let them know using non-verbal communication, but the person simply did not pick up on your non-verbal cues and did that same thing yet again. You could be battling your own fear of conflict (which in your mind could lead to confrontation, loss or even abandonment). You could be trying to avoid potentially hurting the other person’s feelings. Does not matter why you refuse to speak up.
Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person.
Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people.
There is a price to pay for having a great love life.
It means stepping outside of your comfort zone
and committing new behaviors to change very specific situations in your life.
- It means staying away from the wrong people.
- It means to take the risk of being vulnerable and showing interest in dating.
- It means standing up for yourself and expressing yourself when it is important enough for you.
- It means you have to do all of these things BEFORE YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
There is no waiting until you feel you are ready. Chances are you will never be fully ready.
That is the price:
To commit to new actions
even you do not feel like it.
It is a high price of discomfort to be sure.
Just keep in mind the potential benefits you will acquire in the long run, in exchange for some short-term pains:
A love life that brings smiles instead of tears
Happy Star Wars Day!
May The Fourth Be With You!
May The Force Be With You!
An ENA of Han Solo and Princess Leia
Dear FrankTalks.Com Fans,
Franktalks student Pogz wrote out an emotional needs analysis based on the emotional needs of women using the fictional characters of Han Solo and Princess Leia as a fun exercise to see if they would actually have worked in the real world (as real as Star Wars characters could be). I found it so thoughtful and enjoyable that I wanted to share it with all of you.Originally written Tuesday, January 18, 2011
An ENA of Han Solo and Princess Leia
By Pogz, student of FrankTalks.com
Han Solo and Princess Leia are a fictional couple. As audience members we can read anything we want into their attraction process because it is fiction. This has probably been done before, but if you want to play that game for fun: (EN = emotional need)
EN1) Protected her reputation?
Her rep would be hurt by associating with "pirate Han". If you're a true princess and the leader of the rebellion, why would you hang out with a pirate who won't throw his lot in with your men, the very men she was trying to lead into battle? Why would she choose "pirate Han" when there are so many other courageous men around her of higher status... dying every day? "Many Bathins have given their lives for this information."
Yeah, people talk. That would have been a morale booster! Let's see, sleep with "pirate Han" and risk losing the war to the Empire? There's more to reputation than just what her girl friends would think of her.
No, it was only after "pirate Han" became "General Solo" that the Princess could completely give herself to him.
EN2) Provided her with a range of emotions
Yes, for the obvious bickering they do, but more importantly because he constantly wavered as to whether or not he'd stick around to help the rebellion. He's in, he's out, he's in, he's out... at least as far as the first two movies are concerned.
EN3) Cater to the little girl in her
No hugs from "pirate Han" when her planet was destroyed in the first movie. No sympathy from "pirate Han" for the impending Death Star attack on the rebel base. Not until halfway through 2nd movie do we see anything close to an act by "pirate Han" that would cater to her little girl (when she hurts her hand turning a wrench and he massages it). "General Solo" tries to comfort her in the Ewok village, but she pushes him away... so we never really see a good example of him catering to her in that way.
"Pirate Han" meets this need of hers rather well. "I'm a scoundrel" - I'm a pilot/pirate with questionable morals, if we do the dead, if you fall in love with me, it is not your fault. "General Solo" sort of chumps out at the end of the last movie, when he says he'll step aside so she can be with Luke... luckily for "General Solo", Luke was her brother. Good thing Han didn't say to Leia, "I won't get in the way of you and Frank."
EN5) Fear of Abandonment
Her fear of abandonment issues are extremely high because her entire planet has been destroyed, her adoptive parents are dead, her biological mother is dead, she is estranged from her dead-beat biological father who destroyed her bio-mom's will to live (yes, like Luke, she has the force; so we must assume that at some level she knows these things), and the death of the all the men who fight for her cause.
Sure, going out into the blizzard for Luke somewhat addresses this need in her. But right after he's back, he's once again talking about leaving to go pay off Jabba. Yes, he wants her to admit that she loves him. But instead of saying "Yes, I want you to stay for me!", she instead calls him a "Scruffy Nerf Herder". Possibly what is irritating her here is that he is not committed to her cause. That she is testing him. Is "pirate Han" only there because he wants to bump uglies with her? Will he leave her if the Empire turns up the heat too high? Maybe it's not even that simple at that point... maybe she just can't handle his death, so she withholds her love, because if he dies it will hurt less.
EN6) Trust Him to be Honest
"Pirate Han" is blatantly honest with her, and is hardly ever afraid to tell her how he sees things. "General Solo" seems to be as well. Though in the third movie it seems more like "General Solo" is trying to control her behavior, the exact opposite of what happened in the first two movies.
EN7) Her physical protection and safety
"Pirate Han" helps rescue her from the belly of the beast (see Joseph Campbell), he saves her brother from her estranged dead-beat biological father at the end of the first movie, he pushes her behind him when he takes a couple of blaster shots at her dead-beat father when at cloud city, and then he allows himself to be frozen in carbonite.
The carbonite is probably the best expression of Frank's EN7, as Han can't take down the Empire himself, and in no way can he ever hope to defeat Vader on his own... but he TAKES THE HIT for her. One can argue that he had no choice, but... well... he ended up in the carbonite because he took responsibility for her safety when they left Hoth.
The passage is blocked. I'll get her out on the Falcon!
So he DID take the hit in order for her to escape. It is at this point, when he's being lowered in to the hole to be frozen, she says to him "I love you".
It could be argued that "pirate Han" leaves her with one last abandonment issue by saying "I know", instead of "I love you too". But this is where "pirate Han" dies. Wow, that's some dedication! In his final death act (ok, the script says he was frozen, but really guys, he died and was reborn like Jesus). This final act of his, the fact that he took the hit, proved that he would not abandon her. The war still needs to be won, but upon his rebirth, he will no longer be the pirate scoundrel who can't be relied upon. Instead, he will be "General Solo".
EN8) Handle Her Sexuality
As the Star Wars movies aren't overtly sexual (except maybe for the metal bikini), it's almost impossible for us to know if he could handle her sexuality. We assume that because he's a space pirate and doesn't care much about morality... that he believes "in a blaster", that he's probably of the mindset that whatever she's into, he'd be alright with it.
Lastly, as leader of the free galaxy and a princes (not to mention - being a petite, extremely hot woman in her 20s), most men probably see Leia as a Madonna figure, and suck up to her like no other woman in the galaxy. "Pirate Han" treats her like a man should, and thus she recognizes that he understands that the prim and proper princes is also a sexual being.
EN9) Prove you have Good Genes
"Pirate Han" got an award for helping destroy the first Death Star, and died a frozen death toward the end of the second act of Empire Strikes Back. What a story to tell your girl friends. "My guy, he died for me! I feel so safe around him!" Girls, beware your friends! When thawed out at the beginning of Jedi, he was reborn as "General Solo." Having put in the work, he rose to the rank of General in the rebel forces.
EN10) Prove he is not a closet homosexual
We never see "pirate Han" with another woman, we only see him hanging out with a naked Wookie... who appears to be quite devoted to the pirate... what's the special relationship there? Also "pirate Han" was once part of the Imperial navy (you'd have to have read some of the books to know that)... and you know what people say about sailors. Leia needs more info here in order to know whether or not he's a closeted Wookie lover...
In short, scoundrel pirate Han (the one she can't handle) doesn't get Leia, but respectable General Solo does get the princess. Pirate Han constantly violates many of her ENs or has yet to prove to her he can address her ENs. General Solo has addressed all of her ENs (Ok, maybe not EN10, but come on guys. The movie was targeted at Kids... so we'll let that one slide) and he gets the Babe. Thus he is no longer really her opposite, but instead her equal.
So no, opposites did not attract in the case of Han and Leia.
Now there maybe more evidence within the books about Han addressing or not addressing her needs, but that takes us back to my original point... these people are fictional, and thus, only George Lucas knows for sure whether or not Leia had her ENs addressed properly. My guess is that he probably didn't have Frank's theories to guide him when he wrote the script.
However, it seems to me that Han made some sort of "hero" journey throughout the trilogy, even though General Solo seems a little more wimpy at the end of the third movie than Pirate Han did at the beginning of the first. After all when he finally tells her that he loves her, she says back to him, "I know." Geesh!
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
The Importance of Keeping Your Word
by Frank Kermit
It can happen sometimes where you make a promise
that you did not realize
you would not be able to keep.
We are human beings,
and when that happens,
it can be embarrassing.
The cost of this kind of immature action is:
The Loss Of Your Credibility
It is important that when you have to break your word, that you at least offer the person whose trust you just violated, some kind of compensation.
It is still a means of value-for-value.
It you don't at least do the HUMAN thing
of trying to make up for it,
people will see you as UNETHICAL.
Immature and unethical behaviors aren't something you can get away with for very long.
When you are younger and the consequences are not so high, most people will just brush you off, and write you off.
Youth will not always protect you.
At some point, your repeating behavior pattern is going to cost you with people who would be in a position to help you will simply cut you out.
Quality people do not have time in their lives
for people that lack credibility.
If you want to be a Good Person
then start by being Good at keeping your word.
If you don't want someone to label you,
be sure you aren't acting in a way
that makes then need to in the first place.
Battling the Savior Complex
By Frank Kermit
As children, many of us grew up on stories about the hero that saves a person, and in the process, earned the undying love and loyalty of the person saved so that the hero and that saved person live happily ever after.
The message that some people got was that being a hero is a way (and for some people, they learned it is the ONLY way) to earn a love that will never experience abandonment. Others learned from those stories that you are only worthy of love if you save someone.
This has led to something I call The Savior Complex, which I see in my coaching practice.
It is the concept that some people seek out relationship partners who they feel need to be saved.
Both men and women do this.
The "saved" person could be a person with low self esteem that makes poor choices for their own lives, a recovering addict, a person that has given up on some part of their life, a person that is always short on money, or a person that is unable to accept and express love and compliments.
The savior in this case finds a person that needs help in an area that the savior feels they have some talent in and attaches to that person-in-need-of-help, usually very quickly.
This often has dire consequences. Sometimes the savior puts his or her resources into helping someone change, who is neither actually interested nor capable of change.
The savior might end up either putting too much pressure on their partner, or end up stuck with the savior's own frustration of not being able to feel any "earned" love.
Other times, a savior might even become an enabler to someone NOT healing a personal issue.
Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
On the odd chance that the savior is actually able to help the distressed person overcome their issue (or if the person fixes the issues him or her self), the newly healed person and the savior find themselves in a quagmire.
The savior may lose attraction, as there is nothing left about the person to be saved from that would trigger the savior to feel attachment.
Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing.
A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love.
Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not.
If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag.
At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves.
As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.
Hero worship is not love.
It may be a combination of emotions including lust, admiration, awe, excitement, and fantasy fuelling energy but it is not love.
When someone, that you can do nothing for, has those same feelings for you without the requirement of you having to save them from life, THAT has more of a chance of being real love.
Beware of online profiles and single dating ads that start with: Rescue Me or something of that nature.
Fairy tales might make damsels in distress seem like a romantic notion, but the real world is no place to have a life partner that does not have the inner capacity to be their own hero.
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I remember reading in a Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man where Steve insists men must be able to: Provide, Protect, and Profess their love in order to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
The biggest challenges I have had in my own relationships came when my partner wasn't feeling like he was contributing enough financially or also when I may have been resentful (unintentionally) when he wasn't contributing what seemed fair.
So when it comes to romantic relationships, do you think a man can truly be masculine and be happy when he is struggling financially?
I would love to hear your feedback!
As I explain it in my Coaching Ebook, I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK, a man's masculinity is tied to his self identity (including his self worth) and how he projects that (as behavior or energy).
If making money is tied to his own sense of identity, then yes him struggling financially will factor into his masculinity. If he does not factor money into his masculinity, then no amount of financial struggle will affect his masculine identity.
There are men that have lots of wealth and resources that cannot get a date or keep a woman due to a lack of masculinity, and men that have no resources that women chase and give him money to keep him around.
With that said if a man is going through some kind of mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) because of the financial struggles it is THAT which could affect his masculinity. If it is mental illness then it falls into the "bad times" that married couples commit too (in good times and bad, in sickness and in health).
There are a number of examples of men with little to no financial resources that are able to attract and keep women interested (untapped musicians, struggling entrepreneurs, and the male partners of women who work in the sex industry aka street/suitcase pimps).
On the other side of this debate are women who factor in a man's wealth into his worthiness (at an extreme are the "gold diggers" and "sugar babies", women who have hypergamy (need a man at least at their status or better in order to feel turned on) and women that will put a certain lifestyle they want maintained and supported ahead of how they feel about a person, which I cover in my Coaching Ebook for Women, I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Each man and woman has emotional needs that will dictate what turns them on and off, and the issue can be a lack of compatibility and not necessarily a lack of caring.
PS. I LOVE Steve Harvey as an entertainer. He is great at what he does. However, it is reported that he had a ghost writer/book doctor named Denene Millner write (co-write?) his books on dating and relationships. It is not uncommon for a publisher to capitalize on someone's celebrity status for a buying target audience. Millner is primarily a sought after and accomplished career journalist, ghost writer and entertainment writer, and has some great content to offer. However, keep in mind that just like everything else in life, it is better to always go to a specialist than a generalist. If you need medical advice, contact a doctor. If you need legal advice, contact a lawyer. And when you need dating and relationship advice, contact a full time dating and relationship coaching expert like me.
-Frank, Because I have to be
If you liked this Q&A with Frank, you will love Frank's Ebook:
Sex Lies and Confusion: Frank Advice For Real Life Ebook
By Frank Kermit
There is going to be good and bad in every relationship you enter into.
It is important to be able to recognize the value that someone brings into your life, while at the same time acknowledge the negatives of being involved with that same person.
Defining the good and bad in your relationship is not an easy task. In fact, this is an area that people sometimes need an outside perspective such as a coach to provide an objective view.
There are times I have to point out to clients that their relational situation is actually pretty good and they simply do not fully appreciate their partners.
There are other times when I have be firm with a client to make him or her realize the red flags and hazard signals they are ignoring in staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation. Being able to recognize the good and bad in your relationship is a skill, and can be learned through practice.
A lot of it comes down to having certain standards in how you want to be treated, and sticking to those standards by enforcing your boundaries, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so.
What is most important to you? Someone being a great parent to your kids? Someone who is financially stable? Someone that has a certain status that will impress the people around you? Someone that is punctual? Someone that has a certain lifestyle you want as well? Someone that looks a certain way? Someone who is reliable and steady? Someone that is impulsive and exciting? Someone that is clean, sober and drug free? Someone that is sexual faithful? Someone that is sexually compatible with you? Someone that actually appreciates your flaws? Someone that knows when not to give in to your bad moods? Someone that can support your career aspirations? Someone who has a passion for a cause he or she is dedicated to?
It stands to reason that each of us wants all of those things. However, the reality is that it is very unlikely you will get everything you want in one person. It is more likely that you will end up with someone more compatible with your own imperfections. (Scary huh?)
In the end, only you can really decide if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. Walking away from the bad is not so easy when the good you are getting is really good.
The longer you have been with someone, and the more you have invested into together (children, home, future plans), then sticking it out through some temporary rough patches that plague long term relationships may be acceptable as a necessary evil.
The best way to really set up relationship success is to aim for value-for-value relationships. Always look for a win-win exchange. When you get something for nothing, start offering more. When you are getting less than what you put in, ask for more or cut what you are offering. In the short term, you may have to deal with loss. In the long run, it will attract the best partners to you and bring better success.
In the simplest terms, when deciding if you should stay or if you should go in any relationship you enter; look at what is good about the relationship and what is bad about the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good it is, it is still bad. And if the good outweighs the bad, then no matter how bad it is, it is still good.
If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks
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