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Read this contributed post to discover ways you can add some spice to your marriage!  Find Ways To Spice Up Your Marriage We all know how it is. When you begin dating, you are all too familiar with those feelings of butterflies in your stomach and when you see each other, you just can’t wait to get your hands all over one another. But as time goes on, you become more used to each other, and though your love it still deep, the spark just seems to be gone. So, what to you do to spice things up? Here are a few ideas. Date Night When you were young, the two of you went out together often. But now, there barely seems to be time for you to get together. And even if there is time, you have to think about getting baby sitters for the kids and the expense of treating yourselves to a restaurant or movie. Well, for the sake of your marriage, it may be time to throw practicality out the door. Even taking some time out to take a walk in the park or sit on the hood of your car watching the stars can be a great way for the two of you to rekindle that old flame. And no matter how much money you may spend…it’s still a lot cheaper than a divorce! Bring Sexy Back When marriages start to become ho-hum, one of the first places couples will feel it is in the bedroom. Limited time and having the kids around makes it hard for you to find the time to be intimate, and as you have grown used to each other, the spark just seems to be gone. Well, there are little things you can do to bring that spark back. Send each other sexy texts during the day. Take time out to look attractive. Take little moments to whisper in each other’s ears. Touch each other often. Go shopping together for sexy toys and lingerie. Try something new in the bedroom. These are all things you can do to bring sex back on the mind to ensure that you both make it a priority in your marriage. Celebrate Milestones Another anniversary? After you are married for a while, anniversaries can start to seem ho-hum. Many couples barely acknowledge these milestones while others forget about them entirely. This year, when your anniversary is a few months away, start thinking of planning something big. A vacation or a night on the town can be great ways to celebrate, but throwing a big party with family and friends will surely bring some of the excitement back. Anniversary parties can be small cocktail affairs or big ragers so decide which direction you want to take it in. But whatever you do, be sure to hire a band that can provide the right mood. There are many cover bands who can do anything from sultry jazz standards to rock and pop hits assuring they will be right for any type of event. A band is sure to get you and your husband, along with your guests, on the dance floor for slow, romantic numbers as well as upbeat, energetic tunes. Don’t Forget the Small Stuff Lastly, don’t forget to be kind to each other. Little gestures of kindness, like turning down the bed, helping each other around the house, or just saying thank you can go a long way in letting your spouse know they are still loved and appreciated. The flame of many marriages can fizzle as the years go on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep your love going strong. Take time out to be with your spouse, keep things sexy, celebrate your love and show each other you care and you are sure to have a marriage that will stand up to the test of time.  MTL Blog Logo What Makes Couples Last According To A Professional Montreal Relationship Coach Facts about love that make sense. by Irene Terehova Throw Back Thursday. An interview between Irene Terehova and Frank Kermit for MTL Blog from 2016 A very common problem I see in modern relationships is the longevity struggle. Relationships and marriages don't last. Break ups and divorces are at an all time rise. Why is this happening? Why are Montrealers losing patience and not willing to work harder? Is giving up on love the right way to go? So I got in touch with Frank Kermit today, a Montreal based relationship and dating coach, in hopes of finding the truth in this confusing subject matter. Frank gave a beautiful and easy breakdown to my two simple questions. Why do modern couples break up and divorce so often, Frank? "The difference between a couple that lasts and a couple that divorces all comes down to their emotional needs. Each individual has a set of emotional needs. Although the emotional needs tend to be similar from person to person, each individual has a unique profile detailing, which emotional needs are more important and which ones are less important. A person with a high degree of the emotional need fear of abandonment will react very differently than a person with a lower degree of that same emotional need. Couples come together because the emotional needs of both people are addressed when they are involved with each other. Couples break apart (separation and divorce) when the emotional needs of one (or both) of the people are very violated. The emotional needs of an individual can also change over time. [...] For example, a person who is at a stage of life where their children are grown and they have arranged for financial security that is not dependent on any particular employer may not place too much importance on an emotional need like protection of reputation, as the person may have done at a younger age. So it can happen where a couple [who has been] together for a long time, have changed as individuals and thus their emotional needs have changed, and their relationship as it stands, can no longer address their particular new emotional needs."  Mtl Blog Interview What needs to be changed in order to make modern relationships last? The only thing that really would have to change that would be realistic, is for people to learn the skills needed to manage their abundance of choice. Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it, the power of choice, without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs. [...] A person can choose to date, get married, have children, live together, not date at all, be child-free, be a single parent, date multiple people at the same time, have multiple sex partners at the same time, even have polyamourous multi-partner romantic relationship families. The sky is no longer the limit, as the freedom of choices for how people choose to manage their romantic lives has reached beyond the stars. [...] A person that does not know him or her self, their personal boundaries, or who has never thought critically about what is in their own best long term interest is at a disadvantage, and may end up choosing the wrong partners to get involved with, and worse…could potentially walk away from a great life to choose a new partner and life that lands that person in emotional ruins. Frank Kermit Dating and Relationship Coach Author of 15 books and 20 audio lectures sets, including: The Emotional Needs of Women Analysis Workbook and The Emotional Needs of Men Analysis Workbook  How To Be Bald And Confident |
 What Men Want And Don't Know It | In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity. This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity. An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think. |
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
Yes.
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
 Learn Social Cues so Hair Loss Will Never Stop You | In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma” I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand. So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%. |
The Emotional Needs of Men and Women Audio Set For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
Dating a Younger Woman
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
or
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Acceptance:
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
women's emotions in relationships Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
An example:
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
Why?
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
what men really want in a woman How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
 change your life in 90 days | For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help. It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers. |
| Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives. In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends! They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns). |  lose your virginity in 90 days |
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Own it.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
Remember Monty?
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
-Frank Kermit
Get Her Now
Find The One Elite Podcast Show Logo
Released July 21 2017, Updated on March 1, 2018
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the program Find The One Elite with host Antia Boyd. On this show Frank talks about The Top Emotional Needs Of Single Men & Women.
Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
by Frank Kermit
I have been coaching for nearly two decades at the time of writing this article. There are times when I feel very proud and inspired by certain coaching clients of mine.
And other times, I see really good people, with really good hearts, just not acting as if they are willing to do the work necessary to have the love lives they so desperately claim to want.
It takes hard work and sacrifice to makes changes in a person’s life.
The more ingrained and practiced your repeating behavior patterns, the more challenging it will be to change those same behavior patterns and replace them with new behavior patterns. Learning the theory of addressing the emotional needs of others (and standing up for yourself) is just a first step in the process.
Putting it into practice, especially when you are not used to it, can be a little more intense than what most people are comfortable with doing.
| Perhaps it is a person that you need to stay away from, but you are just so drawn to the person, that despite every time you break up, somehow you end up becoming lovers again. No matter how much you know better, you crave that person, almost as if you were addicted to that person (and maybe on some level you are). You know your love life cannot evolve to someone new until you separate yourself from your current toxic environment, but it feels like you cannot help yourself. |  How To Move On From A Partner That is Not Good For You |
 How To Get Back An Ex | Perhaps you need to show more interest when pursuing a new person, or when a new person pursues you. But instead of being more assertive in your pursuit to set a date, or being more inviting when someone has the courage to make the first move in approaching you, you act disinterested to the point of pushing the other person away. You did not mean to push the other person away; you just wanted to protect yourself from appearing too needy or desperate. So you treated them like a casual distraction to the point they were no longer motivated to be in your company. |
| Perhaps it is a matter of standing up for yourself and telling others exactly what you are thinking. Maybe someone you liked did something that really did not sit well with you, and you tried to let them know using non-verbal communication, but the person simply did not pick up on your non-verbal cues and did that same thing yet again. You could be battling your own fear of conflict (which in your mind could lead to confrontation, loss or even abandonment). You could be trying to avoid potentially hurting the other person’s feelings. Does not matter why you refuse to speak up. |  How To Act on First Dates |
The result is the same.
Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person.
Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people.
There is a price to pay for having a great love life.
Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person.
Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people.
There is a price to pay for having a great love life.
It means stepping outside of your comfort zone
and committing new behaviors to change very specific situations in your life.
- It means staying away from the wrong people.
- It means to take the risk of being vulnerable and showing interest in dating.
- It means standing up for yourself and expressing yourself when it is important enough for you.
- It means you have to do all of these things BEFORE YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
There is no waiting until you feel you are ready. Chances are you will never be fully ready.
That is the price:
To commit to new actions
even you do not feel like it.
It is a high price of discomfort to be sure.
Just keep in mind the potential benefits you will acquire in the long run, in exchange for some short-term pains:
A love life that brings smiles instead of tears
Frank Kermit
Sign Up for Coaching to Pay the Price
Happy Star Wars Day - May The Fourth Be With You
Happy Star Wars Day!
May The Fourth Be With You!
and
May The Force Be With You!
*********************
An ENA of Han Solo and Princess Leia
Dear FrankTalks.Com Fans,
Franktalks student Pogz wrote out an emotional needs analysis based on the emotional needs of women using the fictional characters of Han Solo and Princess Leia as a fun exercise to see if they would actually have worked in the real world (as real as Star Wars characters could be). I found it so thoughtful and enjoyable that I wanted to share it with all of you.Originally written Tuesday, January 18, 2011
-Frank
An ENA of Han Solo and Princess Leia
By Pogz, student of FrankTalks.com
Han Solo and Princess Leia are a fictional couple. As audience members we can read anything we want into their attraction process because it is fiction. This has probably been done before, but if you want to play that game for fun: (EN = emotional need)
| EN1) Protected her reputation? Her rep would be hurt by associating with "pirate Han". If you're a true princess and the leader of the rebellion, why would you hang out with a pirate who won't throw his lot in with your men, the very men she was trying to lead into battle? Why would she choose "pirate Han" when there are so many other courageous men around her of higher status... dying every day? "Many Bathins have given their lives for this information." |  Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs |
Leia: "Hey guys, great fighting... Sorry about the death of your platoon leader. What was his name... 'Joe' or something? I know I ordered him to take that planetoid. He will be missed. Now I hope you guys follow my leadership in the future... meanwhile, I'm going to go bang this pirate guy who won't fight along the side of you guys. You'll do what I ask in the future right?"
Yeah, people talk. That would have been a morale booster! Let's see, sleep with "pirate Han" and risk losing the war to the Empire? There's more to reputation than just what her girl friends would think of her.
No, it was only after "pirate Han" became "General Solo" that the Princess could completely give herself to him.
Yeah, people talk. That would have been a morale booster! Let's see, sleep with "pirate Han" and risk losing the war to the Empire? There's more to reputation than just what her girl friends would think of her.
No, it was only after "pirate Han" became "General Solo" that the Princess could completely give herself to him.
 Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs | EN2) Provided her with a range of emotions Yes, for the obvious bickering they do, but more importantly because he constantly wavered as to whether or not he'd stick around to help the rebellion. He's in, he's out, he's in, he's out... at least as far as the first two movies are concerned. |
We Miss You Princess EN3) Cater to the little girl in her
No hugs from "pirate Han" when her planet was destroyed in the first movie. No sympathy from "pirate Han" for the impending Death Star attack on the rebel base. Not until halfway through 2nd movie do we see anything close to an act by "pirate Han" that would cater to her little girl (when she hurts her hand turning a wrench and he massages it). "General Solo" tries to comfort her in the Ewok village, but she pushes him away... so we never really see a good example of him catering to her in that way.
 Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs | EN4) Assertiveness "Pirate Han" meets this need of hers rather well. "I'm a scoundrel" - I'm a pilot/pirate with questionable morals, if we do the dead, if you fall in love with me, it is not your fault. "General Solo" sort of chumps out at the end of the last movie, when he says he'll step aside so she can be with Luke... luckily for "General Solo", Luke was her brother. Good thing Han didn't say to Leia, "I won't get in the way of you and Frank." |
| EN5) Fear of Abandonment Her fear of abandonment issues are extremely high because her entire planet has been destroyed, her adoptive parents are dead, her biological mother is dead, she is estranged from her dead-beat biological father who destroyed her bio-mom's will to live (yes, like Luke, she has the force; so we must assume that at some level she knows these things), and the death of the all the men who fight for her cause. |  Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs |
Because "pirate Han" is constantly worried about paying his debt to Jabba, he's constantly threatening to leave her and the rebels to fend for themselves. Therefore he is constantly violating her EN5. It isn't until he's frozen in carbonite, Jabba is dead, helps destroy the death star for a second time, and the war is over that she's finally able to commit to him completely - when she knows he's not going to leave her.
Sure, going out into the blizzard for Luke somewhat addresses this need in her. But right after he's back, he's once again talking about leaving to go pay off Jabba. Yes, he wants her to admit that she loves him. But instead of saying "Yes, I want you to stay for me!", she instead calls him a "Scruffy Nerf Herder". Possibly what is irritating her here is that he is not committed to her cause. That she is testing him. Is "pirate Han" only there because he wants to bump uglies with her? Will he leave her if the Empire turns up the heat too high? Maybe it's not even that simple at that point... maybe she just can't handle his death, so she withholds her love, because if he dies it will hurt less.
Sure, going out into the blizzard for Luke somewhat addresses this need in her. But right after he's back, he's once again talking about leaving to go pay off Jabba. Yes, he wants her to admit that she loves him. But instead of saying "Yes, I want you to stay for me!", she instead calls him a "Scruffy Nerf Herder". Possibly what is irritating her here is that he is not committed to her cause. That she is testing him. Is "pirate Han" only there because he wants to bump uglies with her? Will he leave her if the Empire turns up the heat too high? Maybe it's not even that simple at that point... maybe she just can't handle his death, so she withholds her love, because if he dies it will hurt less.
 We Miss You R2 | EN6) Trust Him to be Honest "Pirate Han" is blatantly honest with her, and is hardly ever afraid to tell her how he sees things. "General Solo" seems to be as well. Though in the third movie it seems more like "General Solo" is trying to control her behavior, the exact opposite of what happened in the first two movies. |
| EN7) Her physical protection and safety "Pirate Han" helps rescue her from the belly of the beast (see Joseph Campbell), he saves her brother from her estranged dead-beat biological father at the end of the first movie, he pushes her behind him when he takes a couple of blaster shots at her dead-beat father when at cloud city, and then he allows himself to be frozen in carbonite. |  Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs |
The carbonite is probably the best expression of Frank's EN7, as Han can't take down the Empire himself, and in no way can he ever hope to defeat Vader on his own... but he TAKES THE HIT for her. One can argue that he had no choice, but... well... he ended up in the carbonite because he took responsibility for her safety when they left Hoth.
The passage is blocked. I'll get her out on the Falcon!
So he DID take the hit in order for her to escape. It is at this point, when he's being lowered in to the hole to be frozen, she says to him "I love you".
It could be argued that "pirate Han" leaves her with one last abandonment issue by saying "I know", instead of "I love you too". But this is where "pirate Han" dies. Wow, that's some dedication! In his final death act (ok, the script says he was frozen, but really guys, he died and was reborn like Jesus). This final act of his, the fact that he took the hit, proved that he would not abandon her. The war still needs to be won, but upon his rebirth, he will no longer be the pirate scoundrel who can't be relied upon. Instead, he will be "General Solo".
 Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs | EN8) Handle Her Sexuality As the Star Wars movies aren't overtly sexual (except maybe for the metal bikini), it's almost impossible for us to know if he could handle her sexuality. We assume that because he's a space pirate and doesn't care much about morality... that he believes "in a blaster", that he's probably of the mindset that whatever she's into, he'd be alright with it. |
Another point here is that he must understand her sexuality somewhat because half-way through the second movie the hand rub on the Falcon got him a Kiss... though he admittedly lost having sex due to logistics. He couldn't recover from C3PO's interruption.
Lastly, as leader of the free galaxy and a princes (not to mention - being a petite, extremely hot woman in her 20s), most men probably see Leia as a Madonna figure, and suck up to her like no other woman in the galaxy. "Pirate Han" treats her like a man should, and thus she recognizes that he understands that the prim and proper princes is also a sexual being.
Lastly, as leader of the free galaxy and a princes (not to mention - being a petite, extremely hot woman in her 20s), most men probably see Leia as a Madonna figure, and suck up to her like no other woman in the galaxy. "Pirate Han" treats her like a man should, and thus she recognizes that he understands that the prim and proper princes is also a sexual being.
| EN9) Prove you have Good Genes "Pirate Han" got an award for helping destroy the first Death Star, and died a frozen death toward the end of the second act of Empire Strikes Back. What a story to tell your girl friends. "My guy, he died for me! I feel so safe around him!" Girls, beware your friends! When thawed out at the beginning of Jedi, he was reborn as "General Solo." Having put in the work, he rose to the rank of General in the rebel forces. |  Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs |
Now that his deeds have earned him the respect of the men she leads, "General Solo" is now a high-status guy as he is a General - a rank fit for the boyfriend of a princes. We can assume that association with him adds to her reputation, and doesn't detract from it. Plus he's a pilot, and chicks dig pilots. It is probably safe to assume at this point that she no longer thinks of "General Solo" as a "Scruffy Nerf Herder."
 Take the Luck Out Of Love: Learn the Emotional Needs | EN10) Prove he is not a closet homosexual We never see "pirate Han" with another woman, we only see him hanging out with a naked Wookie... who appears to be quite devoted to the pirate... what's the special relationship there? Also "pirate Han" was once part of the Imperial navy (you'd have to have read some of the books to know that)... and you know what people say about sailors. Leia needs more info here in order to know whether or not he's a closeted Wookie lover... |
In Conclusion
In short, scoundrel pirate Han (the one she can't handle) doesn't get Leia, but respectable General Solo does get the princess. Pirate Han constantly violates many of her ENs or has yet to prove to her he can address her ENs. General Solo has addressed all of her ENs (Ok, maybe not EN10, but come on guys. The movie was targeted at Kids... so we'll let that one slide) and he gets the Babe. Thus he is no longer really her opposite, but instead her equal.
So no, opposites did not attract in the case of Han and Leia.
Now there maybe more evidence within the books about Han addressing or not addressing her needs, but that takes us back to my original point... these people are fictional, and thus, only George Lucas knows for sure whether or not Leia had her ENs addressed properly. My guess is that he probably didn't have Frank's theories to guide him when he wrote the script.
However, it seems to me that Han made some sort of "hero" journey throughout the trilogy, even though General Solo seems a little more wimpy at the end of the third movie than Pirate Han did at the beginning of the first. After all when he finally tells her that he loves her, she says back to him, "I know." Geesh!
*****************
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The Importance of Keeping Your Word
by Frank Kermit
It can happen sometimes where you make a promise
that you did not realize
you would not be able to keep.
We are human beings,
and when that happens,
it can be embarrassing.
 Coaching Workbook For Men | But when the reason you break your word is because "you just don't feel like it" or "you just don't wanna" the price for that is very, very high. |
The cost of this kind of immature action is:
The Loss Of Your Credibility
| It is important that when you have to break your word, that you at least offer the person whose trust you just violated, some kind of compensation. It is still a means of value-for-value. It you don't at least do the HUMAN thing of trying to make up for it, people will see you as UNETHICAL. |  Learn The Ethics of Seduction |
 The Choice and How To Manage It | Immature and unethical behaviors aren't something you can get away with for very long. When you are younger and the consequences are not so high, most people will just brush you off, and write you off. Youth will not always protect you. At some point, your repeating behavior pattern is going to cost you with people who would be in a position to help you will simply cut you out. |
Quality people do not have time in their lives
for people that lack credibility.
| So, when you give your word and you reach a point where you have already benefited from the other person, and you don't feel like reciprocating, GROW UP. |  The Autobiography of The Journey |
 Over 10 of the Top PUA's From the Community Wrote This Book | It is not about the fear of Burning Your Bridges. It is about becoming the kind of person that is seen as more than possessing the short-term thinking of People Using Alibis. |
If you want to be a Good Person
then start by being Good at keeping your word.
If you don't want someone to label you,
be sure you aren't acting in a way
that makes then need to in the first place.
FrankTalks.com: What Is The Savior Complex?
Battling the Savior Complex
By Frank Kermit
As children, many of us grew up on stories about the hero that saves a person, and in the process, earned the undying love and loyalty of the person saved so that the hero and that saved person live happily ever after.
The message that some people got was that being a hero is a way (and for some people, they learned it is the ONLY way) to earn a love that will never experience abandonment. Others learned from those stories that you are only worthy of love if you save someone.
 Learn More About Coaching | This has led to something I call The Savior Complex, which I see in my coaching practice. It is the concept that some people seek out relationship partners who they feel need to be saved. Both men and women do this. |
The "saved" person could be a person with low self esteem that makes poor choices for their own lives, a recovering addict, a person that has given up on some part of their life, a person that is always short on money, or a person that is unable to accept and express love and compliments.
The savior in this case finds a person that needs help in an area that the savior feels they have some talent in and attaches to that person-in-need-of-help, usually very quickly.
| This often has dire consequences. Sometimes the savior puts his or her resources into helping someone change, who is neither actually interested nor capable of change. The savior might end up either putting too much pressure on their partner, or end up stuck with the savior's own frustration of not being able to feel any "earned" love. Other times, a savior might even become an enabler to someone NOT healing a personal issue. |  Learn About Fear of Abandonment and Other Emotional Needs |
For example, out of an Emotional Need of fear of abandonment, a would-be savior will actually sabotage a person's progress of healing so that the person is forever dependant on the savior.
Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
 Learn To Spot Red Flags By Understanding Emotional Needs | On the odd chance that the savior is actually able to help the distressed person overcome their issue (or if the person fixes the issues him or her self), the newly healed person and the savior find themselves in a quagmire. The savior may lose attraction, as there is nothing left about the person to be saved from that would trigger the savior to feel attachment. |
Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing.
A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love.
Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not.
If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag.
At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves.
As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.
 FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men | However, if you keep finding yourself only attracted to people that evoke some kind of savior complex in you, because you deem that their love will be easier to earn if you are a hero, and save that person, then you would be sadly mistaken. |
| Hero worship is not love. It may be a combination of emotions including lust, admiration, awe, excitement, and fantasy fuelling energy but it is not love. When someone, that you can do nothing for, has those same feelings for you without the requirement of you having to save them from life, THAT has more of a chance of being real love. |  FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women |
Beware of online profiles and single dating ads that start with: Rescue Me or something of that nature.
Fairy tales might make damsels in distress seem like a romantic notion, but the real world is no place to have a life partner that does not have the inner capacity to be their own hero.
Frank Kermit
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Frank Q&A: Masculinity vs Financial Struggles
Dear Frank,
I remember reading in a Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man where Steve insists men must be able to: Provide, Protect, and Profess their love in order to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
The biggest challenges I have had in my own relationships came when my partner wasn't feeling like he was contributing enough financially or also when I may have been resentful (unintentionally) when he wasn't contributing what seemed fair.
So when it comes to romantic relationships, do you think a man can truly be masculine and be happy when he is struggling financially?
I would love to hear your feedback!
-Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Short answer:
As I explain it in my Coaching Ebook, I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK, a man's masculinity is tied to his self identity (including his self worth) and how he projects that (as behavior or energy).
If making money is tied to his own sense of identity, then yes him struggling financially will factor into his masculinity. If he does not factor money into his masculinity, then no amount of financial struggle will affect his masculine identity.
Long answer:
There are men that have lots of wealth and resources that cannot get a date or keep a woman due to a lack of masculinity, and men that have no resources that women chase and give him money to keep him around.
With that said if a man is going through some kind of mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) because of the financial struggles it is THAT which could affect his masculinity. If it is mental illness then it falls into the "bad times" that married couples commit too (in good times and bad, in sickness and in health).
There are a number of examples of men with little to no financial resources that are able to attract and keep women interested (untapped musicians, struggling entrepreneurs, and the male partners of women who work in the sex industry aka street/suitcase pimps).
On the other side of this debate are women who factor in a man's wealth into his worthiness (at an extreme are the "gold diggers" and "sugar babies", women who have hypergamy (need a man at least at their status or better in order to feel turned on) and women that will put a certain lifestyle they want maintained and supported ahead of how they feel about a person, which I cover in my Coaching Ebook for Women, I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Each man and woman has emotional needs that will dictate what turns them on and off, and the issue can be a lack of compatibility and not necessarily a lack of caring.
PS. I LOVE Steve Harvey as an entertainer. He is great at what he does. However, it is reported that he had a ghost writer/book doctor named Denene Millner write (co-write?) his books on dating and relationships. It is not uncommon for a publisher to capitalize on someone's celebrity status for a buying target audience. Millner is primarily a sought after and accomplished career journalist, ghost writer and entertainment writer, and has some great content to offer. However, keep in mind that just like everything else in life, it is better to always go to a specialist than a generalist. If you need medical advice, contact a doctor. If you need legal advice, contact a lawyer. And when you need dating and relationship advice, contact a full time dating and relationship coaching expert like me.
-Frank, Because I have to be
If you liked this Q&A with Frank, you will love Frank's Ebook:
Sex Lies and Confusion: Frank Advice For Real Life Ebook
I remember reading in a Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man where Steve insists men must be able to: Provide, Protect, and Profess their love in order to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
The biggest challenges I have had in my own relationships came when my partner wasn't feeling like he was contributing enough financially or also when I may have been resentful (unintentionally) when he wasn't contributing what seemed fair.
So when it comes to romantic relationships, do you think a man can truly be masculine and be happy when he is struggling financially?
I would love to hear your feedback!
-Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Short answer:
As I explain it in my Coaching Ebook, I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK, a man's masculinity is tied to his self identity (including his self worth) and how he projects that (as behavior or energy).
If making money is tied to his own sense of identity, then yes him struggling financially will factor into his masculinity. If he does not factor money into his masculinity, then no amount of financial struggle will affect his masculine identity.
Long answer:
There are men that have lots of wealth and resources that cannot get a date or keep a woman due to a lack of masculinity, and men that have no resources that women chase and give him money to keep him around.
With that said if a man is going through some kind of mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) because of the financial struggles it is THAT which could affect his masculinity. If it is mental illness then it falls into the "bad times" that married couples commit too (in good times and bad, in sickness and in health).
There are a number of examples of men with little to no financial resources that are able to attract and keep women interested (untapped musicians, struggling entrepreneurs, and the male partners of women who work in the sex industry aka street/suitcase pimps).
On the other side of this debate are women who factor in a man's wealth into his worthiness (at an extreme are the "gold diggers" and "sugar babies", women who have hypergamy (need a man at least at their status or better in order to feel turned on) and women that will put a certain lifestyle they want maintained and supported ahead of how they feel about a person, which I cover in my Coaching Ebook for Women, I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Each man and woman has emotional needs that will dictate what turns them on and off, and the issue can be a lack of compatibility and not necessarily a lack of caring.
PS. I LOVE Steve Harvey as an entertainer. He is great at what he does. However, it is reported that he had a ghost writer/book doctor named Denene Millner write (co-write?) his books on dating and relationships. It is not uncommon for a publisher to capitalize on someone's celebrity status for a buying target audience. Millner is primarily a sought after and accomplished career journalist, ghost writer and entertainment writer, and has some great content to offer. However, keep in mind that just like everything else in life, it is better to always go to a specialist than a generalist. If you need medical advice, contact a doctor. If you need legal advice, contact a lawyer. And when you need dating and relationship advice, contact a full time dating and relationship coaching expert like me.
-Frank, Because I have to be
If you liked this Q&A with Frank, you will love Frank's Ebook:
Sex Lies and Confusion: Frank Advice For Real Life Ebook
Relationships: The Good, The Bad And The Balance
Balancing The Good and Bad in Relationships
By Frank Kermit
There is going to be good and bad in every relationship you enter into.
It is important to be able to recognize the value that someone brings into your life, while at the same time acknowledge the negatives of being involved with that same person.
Defining the good and bad in your relationship is not an easy task. In fact, this is an area that people sometimes need an outside perspective such as a coach to provide an objective view.
There are times I have to point out to clients that their relational situation is actually pretty good and they simply do not fully appreciate their partners.
There are other times when I have be firm with a client to make him or her realize the red flags and hazard signals they are ignoring in staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation. Being able to recognize the good and bad in your relationship is a skill, and can be learned through practice.
A lot of it comes down to having certain standards in how you want to be treated, and sticking to those standards by enforcing your boundaries, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so.
What is most important to you? Someone being a great parent to your kids? Someone who is financially stable? Someone that has a certain status that will impress the people around you? Someone that is punctual? Someone that has a certain lifestyle you want as well? Someone that looks a certain way? Someone who is reliable and steady? Someone that is impulsive and exciting? Someone that is clean, sober and drug free? Someone that is sexual faithful? Someone that is sexually compatible with you? Someone that actually appreciates your flaws? Someone that knows when not to give in to your bad moods? Someone that can support your career aspirations? Someone who has a passion for a cause he or she is dedicated to?
It stands to reason that each of us wants all of those things. However, the reality is that it is very unlikely you will get everything you want in one person. It is more likely that you will end up with someone more compatible with your own imperfections. (Scary huh?)
In the end, only you can really decide if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. Walking away from the bad is not so easy when the good you are getting is really good.
The longer you have been with someone, and the more you have invested into together (children, home, future plans), then sticking it out through some temporary rough patches that plague long term relationships may be acceptable as a necessary evil.
The best way to really set up relationship success is to aim for value-for-value relationships. Always look for a win-win exchange. When you get something for nothing, start offering more. When you are getting less than what you put in, ask for more or cut what you are offering. In the short term, you may have to deal with loss. In the long run, it will attract the best partners to you and bring better success.
In the simplest terms, when deciding if you should stay or if you should go in any relationship you enter; look at what is good about the relationship and what is bad about the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good it is, it is still bad. And if the good outweighs the bad, then no matter how bad it is, it is still good.
__________________
If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks
For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK
For Women:
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK
Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
By Frank Kermit
There is going to be good and bad in every relationship you enter into.
It is important to be able to recognize the value that someone brings into your life, while at the same time acknowledge the negatives of being involved with that same person.
Defining the good and bad in your relationship is not an easy task. In fact, this is an area that people sometimes need an outside perspective such as a coach to provide an objective view.
There are times I have to point out to clients that their relational situation is actually pretty good and they simply do not fully appreciate their partners.
There are other times when I have be firm with a client to make him or her realize the red flags and hazard signals they are ignoring in staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation. Being able to recognize the good and bad in your relationship is a skill, and can be learned through practice.
A lot of it comes down to having certain standards in how you want to be treated, and sticking to those standards by enforcing your boundaries, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so.
What is most important to you? Someone being a great parent to your kids? Someone who is financially stable? Someone that has a certain status that will impress the people around you? Someone that is punctual? Someone that has a certain lifestyle you want as well? Someone that looks a certain way? Someone who is reliable and steady? Someone that is impulsive and exciting? Someone that is clean, sober and drug free? Someone that is sexual faithful? Someone that is sexually compatible with you? Someone that actually appreciates your flaws? Someone that knows when not to give in to your bad moods? Someone that can support your career aspirations? Someone who has a passion for a cause he or she is dedicated to?
It stands to reason that each of us wants all of those things. However, the reality is that it is very unlikely you will get everything you want in one person. It is more likely that you will end up with someone more compatible with your own imperfections. (Scary huh?)
In the end, only you can really decide if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. Walking away from the bad is not so easy when the good you are getting is really good.
The longer you have been with someone, and the more you have invested into together (children, home, future plans), then sticking it out through some temporary rough patches that plague long term relationships may be acceptable as a necessary evil.
The best way to really set up relationship success is to aim for value-for-value relationships. Always look for a win-win exchange. When you get something for nothing, start offering more. When you are getting less than what you put in, ask for more or cut what you are offering. In the short term, you may have to deal with loss. In the long run, it will attract the best partners to you and bring better success.
In the simplest terms, when deciding if you should stay or if you should go in any relationship you enter; look at what is good about the relationship and what is bad about the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good it is, it is still bad. And if the good outweighs the bad, then no matter how bad it is, it is still good.
__________________
If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks
For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK
For Women:
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK
Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
Do You Know What Is A Relationship?
What is a Relationship?
By Frank Kermit
Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?"
This is a harder question to answer than most people think.
In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle.
So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy.
What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion.
An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship.
A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you.
That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society.
Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries.
You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship.
The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect.
A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person.
If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery.
Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks
For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK
For Women:
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK
Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
By Frank Kermit
Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?"
This is a harder question to answer than most people think.
In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle.
So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy.
What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion.
An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship.
A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you.
That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society.
Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries.
You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship.
The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect.
A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person.
If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery.
Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks
For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK
For Women:
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK
Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
Interview: Emotional Needs of Men
Wow. This was from 2009? My first appearance on Passion hosted by Dr Laurie Betito. So much has changed in the last 8 years. This was our very first interview and first time speaking. Who could have imagined how things could have changed so much in that my works have gone through a major revision since that time, and that I would have ended up a regular guest on the show years later.
To those listening to this for the first time, be kind. One of my very first media interviews ever. I am definitely not the same person that I was back then, and neither is my collection of works, nor my brand. Sometimes a look back is part of a necessary step forward.
Purchase a copy of THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS ANALYSIS OF MEN WORKBOOK EBOOK
(formerly titled The Eye of the Seductress)
Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Check out the Benefits of COACHING
Emotional Needs : Protection of Reputations
Protection of a Reputation: The most common emotional need
By Frank Kermit
The protection of a reputation is one of the more common emotional needs that are shared by both men and women.
Some emotional needs of women completely counter some of the emotional needs of men. There are other emotional needs that are better suited to one gender, which if active in the opposite gender could lead a person to seriously struggle on an emotional level. The protection of a reputation seems to be one of the emotional needs that can be very important to both men and women.
In my practice, when I am teaching or explaining my emotional needs theories, the protection of a reputation is always the first I present. It is not because the protection of a reputation is the most important emotional need. In fact, which emotional needs take priority is a very subjective and individual undertaking. Although, as human beings we all have emotional needs, what we do not have in common is the importance that we each place on each emotional need we have.
For one person an emotional need like protection of a reputation could be exceptionally high in value and importance. For another person, protection of a reputation may have little value. It really depends on things such as how important someone’s reputation as it regards their ability to make a living or find love. It can also depend on what stage a person is during their lifespan. For example, someone that is in a very public profiled career, the continued success of which is highly dependent on a solid reputation to keep him or her employed, is going to have a very high priority on the emotional need of the protection of a reputation. A different example is someone that makes a living in a way that would not be positively or negatively impacted by a ding to a reputation. That person will place a much lower importance on it.
Just to be clear, I have often found that when helping people become more social, more attractive and even more seductive, that once they effectively learn to keep the protection of people’s reputations in mind, that it can occasionally be enough to weed out all the really unattractive traits a person may unknowingly exhibit.
By using the “protect-a-rep” filter to modify their behaviors including what they say in private company, it helps to eliminate so many creepy behaviors that normally have would turned off potential partners. The protect-a-rep filter is simply is that powerful.
A protected reputation is very powerful. It can speak for you when nothing else will. If you are ever accused of a wrongdoing, and you have no direct proof to prove your innocence, but have circumstantial evidence against you, what works strongly in your favor is a well-maintained reputation that will speak for you and help give you the benefit of the doubt. Depending on the circumstances, it could completely absolve you in the minds of the people around you.
Here are some ways to protect your own reputation, as well as the reputation of others:
1-Be above reproach as much as possible, even when it may not be in your best interest. Don’t take bribes, don’t take advantage of someone’s good nature, and make every exchange you have with others be a value-for-value exchange.
2-When talking about an ex, never speak badly about an ex. It serves no purpose other than to expose your inability to choose people to date. Always focus on what it is you learned about yourself and about relationships in general. If your ex cheated on you, instead of saying that your ex was a cheating scum, focus on the fact that you learned you need to be more aware of reading red flags and that trust is a very important aspect for you in a relationship.
3-Learn how to answer questions that you would rather not, or should not have to, answer. Just because someone asks you a question about your private life or the private life of your lover, does not mean you are required to answer it.
It is perfectly correct to say things like: “it is none of your business”, “I don’t talk about such things in public”, “that is a private matter”, “that is something I would only discuss with my partner”, “no comment”, “we are NOT having this conversation”, and if the person persists in breaking this expressed boundary, you can always terminate the communication with, “this conversation is over.”
When you start to protect reputations, yours and the people you are connected with, you will find out very quickly who are the people that would use and abuse your trust, and who are the people that would appreciate your sense of privacy.
Those that would use and abuse you will disappear from your life because they can no longer use you to get information to hurt both you, and the people you speak about.
Those that would appreciate your sense of privacy are happy to respect the boundary and keep you in their lives, and maybe even share more of themselves with you in secret ways.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
By Frank Kermit
The protection of a reputation is one of the more common emotional needs that are shared by both men and women.
Some emotional needs of women completely counter some of the emotional needs of men. There are other emotional needs that are better suited to one gender, which if active in the opposite gender could lead a person to seriously struggle on an emotional level. The protection of a reputation seems to be one of the emotional needs that can be very important to both men and women.
In my practice, when I am teaching or explaining my emotional needs theories, the protection of a reputation is always the first I present. It is not because the protection of a reputation is the most important emotional need. In fact, which emotional needs take priority is a very subjective and individual undertaking. Although, as human beings we all have emotional needs, what we do not have in common is the importance that we each place on each emotional need we have.
For one person an emotional need like protection of a reputation could be exceptionally high in value and importance. For another person, protection of a reputation may have little value. It really depends on things such as how important someone’s reputation as it regards their ability to make a living or find love. It can also depend on what stage a person is during their lifespan. For example, someone that is in a very public profiled career, the continued success of which is highly dependent on a solid reputation to keep him or her employed, is going to have a very high priority on the emotional need of the protection of a reputation. A different example is someone that makes a living in a way that would not be positively or negatively impacted by a ding to a reputation. That person will place a much lower importance on it.
Just to be clear, I have often found that when helping people become more social, more attractive and even more seductive, that once they effectively learn to keep the protection of people’s reputations in mind, that it can occasionally be enough to weed out all the really unattractive traits a person may unknowingly exhibit.
By using the “protect-a-rep” filter to modify their behaviors including what they say in private company, it helps to eliminate so many creepy behaviors that normally have would turned off potential partners. The protect-a-rep filter is simply is that powerful.
A protected reputation is very powerful. It can speak for you when nothing else will. If you are ever accused of a wrongdoing, and you have no direct proof to prove your innocence, but have circumstantial evidence against you, what works strongly in your favor is a well-maintained reputation that will speak for you and help give you the benefit of the doubt. Depending on the circumstances, it could completely absolve you in the minds of the people around you.
Here are some ways to protect your own reputation, as well as the reputation of others:
1-Be above reproach as much as possible, even when it may not be in your best interest. Don’t take bribes, don’t take advantage of someone’s good nature, and make every exchange you have with others be a value-for-value exchange.
2-When talking about an ex, never speak badly about an ex. It serves no purpose other than to expose your inability to choose people to date. Always focus on what it is you learned about yourself and about relationships in general. If your ex cheated on you, instead of saying that your ex was a cheating scum, focus on the fact that you learned you need to be more aware of reading red flags and that trust is a very important aspect for you in a relationship.
3-Learn how to answer questions that you would rather not, or should not have to, answer. Just because someone asks you a question about your private life or the private life of your lover, does not mean you are required to answer it.
It is perfectly correct to say things like: “it is none of your business”, “I don’t talk about such things in public”, “that is a private matter”, “that is something I would only discuss with my partner”, “no comment”, “we are NOT having this conversation”, and if the person persists in breaking this expressed boundary, you can always terminate the communication with, “this conversation is over.”
When you start to protect reputations, yours and the people you are connected with, you will find out very quickly who are the people that would use and abuse your trust, and who are the people that would appreciate your sense of privacy.
Those that would use and abuse you will disappear from your life because they can no longer use you to get information to hurt both you, and the people you speak about.
Those that would appreciate your sense of privacy are happy to respect the boundary and keep you in their lives, and maybe even share more of themselves with you in secret ways.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Emotional Needs of Women: Mother-Lover Theory
The Mother-Lover Theory:
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.
When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.
When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.
When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.
When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
Understanding The Emotional Needs
Understanding Emotional Needs
By Frank Kermit
Emotional needs are about what a person responds to.
It has nothing to do with what a person should like.
We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart.
But we are not.
We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to.
We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not.
And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues.
When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you.
If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this:
The first is to change yourself, and;
the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too.
The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call "settling" that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness.
However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect).
Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with.
One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event.
The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too.
The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have "everything figured out first".
Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing.
If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that.
However, if you are only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
By Frank Kermit
Emotional needs are about what a person responds to.
It has nothing to do with what a person should like.
We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart.
But we are not.
We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to.
We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not.
And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues.
When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you.
If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this:
The first is to change yourself, and;
the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too.
The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call "settling" that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness.
However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect).
Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with.
One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event.
The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too.
The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have "everything figured out first".
Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing.
If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that.
However, if you are only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
The Best Way To Guarantee A Divorce Is...
How to Guarantee A Divorce
By Frank Kermit
When wedding season is upon us, I get couples coming in for some pre-marital coaching. This process, usually in private couples coaching, but sometimes as a group class is to get couples to ask one another very important questions, the answers to which may even end their engagement.
The goal is to build a rock solid foundation for the marriage so that when tough times trouble the couple, the couple has the best possible odds to stay strong and steady until the storm passes.
One of the components that I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" in this process is the rule of putting a life partner ahead of your own extended family and friends.
In dealing with couples on the verge of a break up or divorce, as well as, separated and divorced individuals who are starting over, a remarkably clear pattern became identifiable.
One of the key components that the individual asking for the break listed as a primary reason for ending the relationship was a feeling that a partner put the wants and needs of extended family members and friends ahead of the needs of a spouse and even their children.
It is important for new couples getting married to understand that the number one person in your life is your spouse:
If you end up in the middle of a conflict between having to choose what it best for your spouse or what is best for anyone else, you better choose your spouse if you want your marriage to survive as you must be able to trust in your spouse that your spouse would choose for you.
In the most basic of terms, it is you and your spouse against the world. You come together in marriage to form a partnership to build a common future, a family unit, and to have each other's best interest in mind because it is expected that the two of you have already discussed and agreed upon achieving similar life goals.
These conversations should have covered family planning, careers, retirement, lifestyle and coping with any known and potential obstacles to those plans as well as agreed upon sacrifices necessary to make all of those goals happen.
If you haven't given any thought to these core goal oriented communications, you will be thinking about them while you are in the process of splitting up.
Ironically, the very questions you are asking yourself about your partner during a divorce are the same one you both needed to talk about during your engagement.
There is only one exception to this rule...if you already have young kids when you are getting married.
At that point, your kids who rely on you and have no one else to depend on take priority over your new spouse.
Your spouse is an adult that got to choose to be with you and must accept your priority to be a parent to your children.
However your children did not have the choice of having you as a parent and you may be the only person your children have to give a damn about giving them a decent start to life.
In the future I will write an article for child-free adults who date single parents and how to navigate realistic expectations of step-parenthood.
Check Out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up (Especially if you just got Engaged!)
By Frank Kermit
When wedding season is upon us, I get couples coming in for some pre-marital coaching. This process, usually in private couples coaching, but sometimes as a group class is to get couples to ask one another very important questions, the answers to which may even end their engagement.
The goal is to build a rock solid foundation for the marriage so that when tough times trouble the couple, the couple has the best possible odds to stay strong and steady until the storm passes.
One of the components that I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" in this process is the rule of putting a life partner ahead of your own extended family and friends.
In dealing with couples on the verge of a break up or divorce, as well as, separated and divorced individuals who are starting over, a remarkably clear pattern became identifiable.
One of the key components that the individual asking for the break listed as a primary reason for ending the relationship was a feeling that a partner put the wants and needs of extended family members and friends ahead of the needs of a spouse and even their children.
It is important for new couples getting married to understand that the number one person in your life is your spouse:
- It is not your parents,
- it is not your siblings,
- and it is not your nieces, or nephews,
- not your uncles, or aunts,
- not your cousins,
- not your grandparents
- and NOT your friends.
If you end up in the middle of a conflict between having to choose what it best for your spouse or what is best for anyone else, you better choose your spouse if you want your marriage to survive as you must be able to trust in your spouse that your spouse would choose for you.
In the most basic of terms, it is you and your spouse against the world. You come together in marriage to form a partnership to build a common future, a family unit, and to have each other's best interest in mind because it is expected that the two of you have already discussed and agreed upon achieving similar life goals.
These conversations should have covered family planning, careers, retirement, lifestyle and coping with any known and potential obstacles to those plans as well as agreed upon sacrifices necessary to make all of those goals happen.
If you haven't given any thought to these core goal oriented communications, you will be thinking about them while you are in the process of splitting up.
Ironically, the very questions you are asking yourself about your partner during a divorce are the same one you both needed to talk about during your engagement.
There is only one exception to this rule...if you already have young kids when you are getting married.
At that point, your kids who rely on you and have no one else to depend on take priority over your new spouse.
Your spouse is an adult that got to choose to be with you and must accept your priority to be a parent to your children.
However your children did not have the choice of having you as a parent and you may be the only person your children have to give a damn about giving them a decent start to life.
In the future I will write an article for child-free adults who date single parents and how to navigate realistic expectations of step-parenthood.
Check Out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up (Especially if you just got Engaged!)
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree?
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This is a contributed post.
Tarzan and Jane. Jack and Rose. Aragorn and Arwen. Nearly every famous and successful movie features a dreamy romantic couple who, despite the many barriers in their way, do everything they can to be together. Both men and women alike tend to fall easily for this stories, and can get quite caught up in them. But is it ever okay to use a relationship we see in a movie as the basis for our own? If you've ever watched a film, or even read a book that has a strong romantic plot, you may have found yourself lusting after one of the characters in said plot, or day dreaming about having a real life relationship reminiscent of the one in the story. While a little bit of harmless fantasy never caused anyone much trouble, you have to be aware of the dangers over-doing it can bring about.
hand holding https://pixabay.com/p-1149411/?no_redirect
Movie relationships are often unattainable
Many of the relationships we see being portrayed in films and in books are a caricature of real life - not real life itself. The characters in movies are usually placed in scenarios that rarely affect any of us in real life, such as being aboard a sinking cruise ship or living in a tropical rain forest! Therefore their actions are a reflection of the scenarios they find themselves in. Often, there is some kind of issue that gets in the way of them being together that they have to dramatically try to overcome. Real relationships are usually a lot more straightforward than this. You might consider that to be boring, but ask yourself if you genuinely could cope with the amount of drama you see in movie relationships. Paired with your other social responsibilities and a full time job, the prospect doesn't actually seem all that appealing!
Many of the relationships we see being portrayed in films and in books are a caricature of real life - not real life itself. The characters in movies are usually placed in scenarios that rarely affect any of us in real life, such as being aboard a sinking cruise ship or living in a tropical rain forest! Therefore their actions are a reflection of the scenarios they find themselves in. Often, there is some kind of issue that gets in the way of them being together that they have to dramatically try to overcome. Real relationships are usually a lot more straightforward than this. You might consider that to be boring, but ask yourself if you genuinely could cope with the amount of drama you see in movie relationships. Paired with your other social responsibilities and a full time job, the prospect doesn't actually seem all that appealing!
couples therapy https://tinyurl.com/zt7bpm7
You lose sight of your current partner
Many of us have harmless crushes on celebrities, or characters from books or films. But being so wrapped up in the idea of this character can potentially be destructive towards your real relationship. It means that your actual partner or spouse struggles to live up to the character you are coveting - because part of the beauty of the character is that they can do whatever you want them to in your imagination. This can make your real relationship seem dull in comparison. The number one thing to do is to work out how to bring excitement back to your real relationship, and to get some perspective on things with a service like Symmetry Counseling.
Many of us have harmless crushes on celebrities, or characters from books or films. But being so wrapped up in the idea of this character can potentially be destructive towards your real relationship. It means that your actual partner or spouse struggles to live up to the character you are coveting - because part of the beauty of the character is that they can do whatever you want them to in your imagination. This can make your real relationship seem dull in comparison. The number one thing to do is to work out how to bring excitement back to your real relationship, and to get some perspective on things with a service like Symmetry Counseling.
on the waterfront https://pixabay.com/p-597174/?no_redirect
You can go for the wrong kind of partner
Many relationships in movies revolve around a damaged man or woman that the romantic interest must then try and 'save' - just look at Harley Quinn and the Joker from the recent Suicide Squad movie. While this is all fun and games on screen, in real life, this kind of relationship can actually be very stressful - plus, there's no guarantee it will actually work out (unlike a film where the ending is already written). Real love is about comfort and support, not danger and suspense - so play your cards wisely!
Many relationships in movies revolve around a damaged man or woman that the romantic interest must then try and 'save' - just look at Harley Quinn and the Joker from the recent Suicide Squad movie. While this is all fun and games on screen, in real life, this kind of relationship can actually be very stressful - plus, there's no guarantee it will actually work out (unlike a film where the ending is already written). Real love is about comfort and support, not danger and suspense - so play your cards wisely!
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
I did not like that idea. Why try to hide and manipulate anyone? Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me. I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
They agreed! None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too.
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night (Especially from the restaurant staff).
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally. It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day. Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days. My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly.
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea. In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it? I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”. You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen. That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer
To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy
To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY
By Frank Kermit
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
I did not like that idea. Why try to hide and manipulate anyone? Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me. I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
They agreed! None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too.
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night (Especially from the restaurant staff).
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally. It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day. Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days. My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly.
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea. In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it? I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”. You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen. That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.
To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer
To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy
To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY
Couples Who Are Sexually Incompatible
Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with.
Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation.
For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations.
Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn.
There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates.
For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed.
Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with.
Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation.
For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations.
Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn.
There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates.
For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed.
Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted.
Frank Kermit
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
Sexual Compatibility When Dating
By Frank Kermit
Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating.
A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is:
How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new?
Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better.
This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex.
Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best.
This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens.
It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek.
In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work.
There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do.
The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values.
It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex.
Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex.
It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating.
A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is:
How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new?
Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better.
This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex.
Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best.
This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens.
It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek.
In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work.
There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do.
The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved.
These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values.
It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex.
Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex.
It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves.
Frank Kermit
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
Unlucky In Love
Creating More Luck For Love: Manifesting Destiny
By Frank Kermit
Check out the Emotional Needs Analysis Mastery System
When it comes to having luck in life, some people really are lucky in love. These individuals tend to be attracted to people who are also attracted to them.
These individuals do not appear to have to "work" to find love; love finds them. These individuals just happen to be at the right place, right time, and meet the right people for things to, well, just happen.
These individuals can afford to focus on other areas of their lives and when the time is right, love will seem to magically appear. However, what does a person do, when that person does not happen to be one of these individuals who are lucky in love?
If you are someone that is simply not lucky in love, chances are you cannot leave your love life up to chance and must take matters into your own hands.
When you are left wanting for love in your life, doing nothing tends to be the worst thing you can do. In any area of life that you are unsatisfied with, being proactive is often the better option, than waiting idly for things to change on its own.
This may mean you will have to try new experiences that could push you out of your comfort zone, but that is a reasonable trade off given everything you have to gain (i.e. all the potential new love, affection, dates and relationships you desire but do not yet have in your life).
One of the ways to increase your luck for love is solid life planning. This means thinking long and hard about what your long term and short term life goals are, figuring out where you meaningfully want to end up, and then working backwards on the timeline of your life right back to the present day.
Once you know where you want to end up, and have more than just a passing idea of what lifestyle you want day-to-day, you will give yourself the road map necessary to follow through and build your ideal love life in a more realistic fashion.
Start out by asking yourself where you see yourself in 10-15 years from now. If you already have kids, what are your plans for them? If you do not yet have kids, what are your intentions? Career wise; are you going for further training?
Are you living in the big city, or small town? What physical condition are you in and what health challenges are you likely facing based on your family history and personal health practices?
How this works is that with each goal you are setting, there is going to be a time or criteria requirement that you do not control.
For example, if you want a certain career, you may have to embark on a specific number of years in education and work experience. If you want to have a certain number of children there are considerations about how many years apart your children are going to be.
Then you must go back and factor in any conflicts in your timeline because you may not be able to complete that particular PhD at the same time as backpacking overseas, while raising your family, on the income you are set to make at that time.
How does all this factor into your love life? When you know exactly what you want out of life, where you want to be, and how you want to end up living, it will help you define where you can go to meet people that likely want the same things you want, who have compatible goals and values that you have.
For example, if you know that you want to live an off-the-grid lifestyle, you can direct yourself to events, meet ups, educational symposiums and social gathers of like minded people and increase your chances of finding a love partner that wants to commit to a relationship with such a common principle-based foundation.
We may not be able to predict the future, or control life circumstances, but we most certainly can influence our fortunes by knowing ourselves and planning ahead as much as possible, to get a little luckier.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Check out the Emotional Needs Analysis Mastery System
When it comes to having luck in life, some people really are lucky in love. These individuals tend to be attracted to people who are also attracted to them.
These individuals do not appear to have to "work" to find love; love finds them. These individuals just happen to be at the right place, right time, and meet the right people for things to, well, just happen.
These individuals can afford to focus on other areas of their lives and when the time is right, love will seem to magically appear. However, what does a person do, when that person does not happen to be one of these individuals who are lucky in love?
If you are someone that is simply not lucky in love, chances are you cannot leave your love life up to chance and must take matters into your own hands.
When you are left wanting for love in your life, doing nothing tends to be the worst thing you can do. In any area of life that you are unsatisfied with, being proactive is often the better option, than waiting idly for things to change on its own.
This may mean you will have to try new experiences that could push you out of your comfort zone, but that is a reasonable trade off given everything you have to gain (i.e. all the potential new love, affection, dates and relationships you desire but do not yet have in your life).
One of the ways to increase your luck for love is solid life planning. This means thinking long and hard about what your long term and short term life goals are, figuring out where you meaningfully want to end up, and then working backwards on the timeline of your life right back to the present day.
Once you know where you want to end up, and have more than just a passing idea of what lifestyle you want day-to-day, you will give yourself the road map necessary to follow through and build your ideal love life in a more realistic fashion.
Start out by asking yourself where you see yourself in 10-15 years from now. If you already have kids, what are your plans for them? If you do not yet have kids, what are your intentions? Career wise; are you going for further training?
Are you living in the big city, or small town? What physical condition are you in and what health challenges are you likely facing based on your family history and personal health practices?
How this works is that with each goal you are setting, there is going to be a time or criteria requirement that you do not control.
For example, if you want a certain career, you may have to embark on a specific number of years in education and work experience. If you want to have a certain number of children there are considerations about how many years apart your children are going to be.
Then you must go back and factor in any conflicts in your timeline because you may not be able to complete that particular PhD at the same time as backpacking overseas, while raising your family, on the income you are set to make at that time.
How does all this factor into your love life? When you know exactly what you want out of life, where you want to be, and how you want to end up living, it will help you define where you can go to meet people that likely want the same things you want, who have compatible goals and values that you have.
For example, if you know that you want to live an off-the-grid lifestyle, you can direct yourself to events, meet ups, educational symposiums and social gathers of like minded people and increase your chances of finding a love partner that wants to commit to a relationship with such a common principle-based foundation.
We may not be able to predict the future, or control life circumstances, but we most certainly can influence our fortunes by knowing ourselves and planning ahead as much as possible, to get a little luckier.
Frank Kermit
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
Couples in Transition:
Monogamy and Non-monogamy
By Frank Kermit
Couples who are experiencing a transition in the status of their relationship may sometimes look to explore new ways of redefining their sex lives by experimenting with the boundaries of sexual permissions. This includes couples who are monogamous that are interested in exploring the terrain of the swinger lifestyle, as well as, couples who were previously non-monogamous in some way, that now want to stop any extra-circular sexual activities with others and be monogamous.
Transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy or from non-monogamy to monogamy is not always simple process. It can be challenging, because the rules for each kind of relationship are different. The mindset for monogamists is different than the mindset of non-monogamists. Also, each relationship structure faces risk factors that are not always thought of ahead of time.
The main 2 rules of monogamy are
(1) you only have sex with one person and
(2) you never do anything that could potentially threaten rule #1.
Where this gets complicated is trying to identify what exactly is a threat to monogamy. Are using sex toys, watching pornography or contact with ex-lovers threats to being monogamous? You will learn to identify which are threats to your monogamy by communicating with your partner, and finding out where your partner is comfortable. Each individual has particular boundaries, and the goal is to find a common ground about what each partner feels comfortable with while at the same time not enforcing rules that might be too constrictive which could lead to any resentment.
In non-monogamous relationships the main 2 rules are
(1) you can structure any kind of sexual permissions you and your partner both agree on and
(2) you have to make sure that you find likeminded new partners that are capable of respecting your rules.
Where this gets complicated is for the two partners to figure out what sexual permissions to agree too. It does not matter where you and your partner draw your lines in regards to sexual permissions to engage in activities with others. As long as you and your partner agree to the stipulations, it is no one else’s business.
One couple may believe kissing and heavy petting with others is fine, but not intercourse. Another couple may only engage in sex with a single woman, but not engage with sex with another man or another couple. Another couple may only allow for group sex activates, but not allow for either individual of the couple to have sex with others if both partners cannot be present.
Some couples may also take a lax attitude towards using condoms and encourage bareback penetration. It is no one’s business as long as you and your partner agree, and that you deal with other adults who consent to those rules.
In either case, whether monogamy or non-monogamy, it is important to keep in mind that what seems like a good idea in discussion, may in fact not be a good idea in practice. For monogamy; In theory, never spending any time away from your partner which includes turning down invitations to take part in a boys’ night out, or for your cousin’s bachelorette party may seem like the right thing to do as a means to help preserve and protect the monogamy of your relationship. After all, if you eliminate any potential threats to your monogamy, you are better able to keep your monogamy intact.
However, such restrictive rules may be too confining for some people, and could also be interpreted as emotionally abusive by people outside of the couple, which may result in more social hardships for the couple when having to explain why various invitations get turned down. In addition to this, there is the consideration that one or both members of the couple may even start to feel suffocated and held back in the relationship which also leads to social hardships between the couple.
For non-monogamy; In theory, who your partner may decide to get sexual with outside of your primary bond should be of little concern for you, because the sex is strictly recreational and is not a threat to your relationship.
However, if your partner is uncomfortable with the way you enjoy yourself with your new lover, especially if your new lover is capable of enduring certain sexual experiences that your partner does not have the stamina for, it can cause great levels of jealousy to muster.
Another side effect that many people who experiment with non-monogamy tend not to be aware of: when a problem exists between how your partner relates to their new lover turns sour and they start fighting, it will actually have an effect on your own primary relationship.
Few people going into it realize that when your partner breaks up with one of their lovers, it can feel like you and your partner may be experiencing the effects of a divorce as well…and you may not have even been involved in the relationship that ended!
But neither relationship structure is better than the other. It is up to the couple to find the relationship structure that best works to meet their particular emotional needs and that also helps them keep what is important to them in the relationship.
Simply put, you and your partner must look at what you both VALUE about the relationship structure that you are currently in, and to find ways to maintain what you VALUE about it, while at the same time find a balance with being able to explore.
Both lifestyles, monogamous and non-monogamous, have their positive points and their negative attributes.
Monogamy has fewer rules to understand, paternity of children is predictable, there are less people to take into consideration and there is little risk of sexual transmitted infections.
However it is easier to take your partner for granted as you are not reminded of how much others may desire your partner, the restrictive rules may lead to resentment if either person starts to feel too constricted and monogamy requires work to keep building the relationship to continually be able to address each other’s emotional and sexual needs, as neither of you has the opportunity to have those needs addressed elsewhere.
Non-monogamy lets the couple negotiate ways to keep sexual variety a priority in the relationship, gives the couple a chance to explore fantasies and experiences that being with just one partner could not fulfill, and can be a means to quash any incentive for infidelity or abandonment. Having a non-monogamous relationship can alleviate one partner from being asked to please the second partner in ways that that the second partner simply has no interest in. The first partner can have those experiences fulfilled by someone else, and help the second partner not feel guilty for not being interested in participating with the first partner.
However whenever you involve new people into your existing love life, you also invite their personal issues. The people you may choose to associate with may not care as much about your primary relationship as you do. Sexual accidents like a condom breaking can force a couple to be very mindful of the dangers that safe sex is supposed to protect from, and you may also have to contend with your lover’s other lovers in ways you did not fully appreciate until it is too late.
Commitment to your commitment is the key element in ANY transition a couple is going through. The decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together
It may take a long time to figure out how strict a monogamy you need to feel secure, or how freely open a non-monogamous relationship you can handle.
In that time of experimenting, you must both prepare yourselves to forgive each other for the hurt you will each feel from the mistakes you both may make, and the unexpected consequences your new relationship rules may bring about.
You may likely miss out on some major events that you later regret not taking part in because you were trying to establish a means of respect for your monogamy. You may end up going too far in your experimentation with non-monogamy and crossing a line that your partner and you were not clear on.
Remember that this is just as much a learning journey as any, and your commitment to commitment may be the only thing that reminds you of why you entered the transition to begin with…to find a new way of staying together.
Frank Kermit
Monogamy and Non-monogamy
By Frank Kermit
Couples who are experiencing a transition in the status of their relationship may sometimes look to explore new ways of redefining their sex lives by experimenting with the boundaries of sexual permissions. This includes couples who are monogamous that are interested in exploring the terrain of the swinger lifestyle, as well as, couples who were previously non-monogamous in some way, that now want to stop any extra-circular sexual activities with others and be monogamous.
Transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy or from non-monogamy to monogamy is not always simple process. It can be challenging, because the rules for each kind of relationship are different. The mindset for monogamists is different than the mindset of non-monogamists. Also, each relationship structure faces risk factors that are not always thought of ahead of time.
The main 2 rules of monogamy are
(1) you only have sex with one person and
(2) you never do anything that could potentially threaten rule #1.
Where this gets complicated is trying to identify what exactly is a threat to monogamy. Are using sex toys, watching pornography or contact with ex-lovers threats to being monogamous? You will learn to identify which are threats to your monogamy by communicating with your partner, and finding out where your partner is comfortable. Each individual has particular boundaries, and the goal is to find a common ground about what each partner feels comfortable with while at the same time not enforcing rules that might be too constrictive which could lead to any resentment.
In non-monogamous relationships the main 2 rules are
(1) you can structure any kind of sexual permissions you and your partner both agree on and
(2) you have to make sure that you find likeminded new partners that are capable of respecting your rules.
Where this gets complicated is for the two partners to figure out what sexual permissions to agree too. It does not matter where you and your partner draw your lines in regards to sexual permissions to engage in activities with others. As long as you and your partner agree to the stipulations, it is no one else’s business.
One couple may believe kissing and heavy petting with others is fine, but not intercourse. Another couple may only engage in sex with a single woman, but not engage with sex with another man or another couple. Another couple may only allow for group sex activates, but not allow for either individual of the couple to have sex with others if both partners cannot be present.
Some couples may also take a lax attitude towards using condoms and encourage bareback penetration. It is no one’s business as long as you and your partner agree, and that you deal with other adults who consent to those rules.
In either case, whether monogamy or non-monogamy, it is important to keep in mind that what seems like a good idea in discussion, may in fact not be a good idea in practice. For monogamy; In theory, never spending any time away from your partner which includes turning down invitations to take part in a boys’ night out, or for your cousin’s bachelorette party may seem like the right thing to do as a means to help preserve and protect the monogamy of your relationship. After all, if you eliminate any potential threats to your monogamy, you are better able to keep your monogamy intact.
However, such restrictive rules may be too confining for some people, and could also be interpreted as emotionally abusive by people outside of the couple, which may result in more social hardships for the couple when having to explain why various invitations get turned down. In addition to this, there is the consideration that one or both members of the couple may even start to feel suffocated and held back in the relationship which also leads to social hardships between the couple.
For non-monogamy; In theory, who your partner may decide to get sexual with outside of your primary bond should be of little concern for you, because the sex is strictly recreational and is not a threat to your relationship.
However, if your partner is uncomfortable with the way you enjoy yourself with your new lover, especially if your new lover is capable of enduring certain sexual experiences that your partner does not have the stamina for, it can cause great levels of jealousy to muster.
Another side effect that many people who experiment with non-monogamy tend not to be aware of: when a problem exists between how your partner relates to their new lover turns sour and they start fighting, it will actually have an effect on your own primary relationship.
Few people going into it realize that when your partner breaks up with one of their lovers, it can feel like you and your partner may be experiencing the effects of a divorce as well…and you may not have even been involved in the relationship that ended!
But neither relationship structure is better than the other. It is up to the couple to find the relationship structure that best works to meet their particular emotional needs and that also helps them keep what is important to them in the relationship.
Simply put, you and your partner must look at what you both VALUE about the relationship structure that you are currently in, and to find ways to maintain what you VALUE about it, while at the same time find a balance with being able to explore.
Both lifestyles, monogamous and non-monogamous, have their positive points and their negative attributes.
Monogamy has fewer rules to understand, paternity of children is predictable, there are less people to take into consideration and there is little risk of sexual transmitted infections.
However it is easier to take your partner for granted as you are not reminded of how much others may desire your partner, the restrictive rules may lead to resentment if either person starts to feel too constricted and monogamy requires work to keep building the relationship to continually be able to address each other’s emotional and sexual needs, as neither of you has the opportunity to have those needs addressed elsewhere.
Non-monogamy lets the couple negotiate ways to keep sexual variety a priority in the relationship, gives the couple a chance to explore fantasies and experiences that being with just one partner could not fulfill, and can be a means to quash any incentive for infidelity or abandonment. Having a non-monogamous relationship can alleviate one partner from being asked to please the second partner in ways that that the second partner simply has no interest in. The first partner can have those experiences fulfilled by someone else, and help the second partner not feel guilty for not being interested in participating with the first partner.
However whenever you involve new people into your existing love life, you also invite their personal issues. The people you may choose to associate with may not care as much about your primary relationship as you do. Sexual accidents like a condom breaking can force a couple to be very mindful of the dangers that safe sex is supposed to protect from, and you may also have to contend with your lover’s other lovers in ways you did not fully appreciate until it is too late.
Commitment to your commitment is the key element in ANY transition a couple is going through. The decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together
It may take a long time to figure out how strict a monogamy you need to feel secure, or how freely open a non-monogamous relationship you can handle.
In that time of experimenting, you must both prepare yourselves to forgive each other for the hurt you will each feel from the mistakes you both may make, and the unexpected consequences your new relationship rules may bring about.
You may likely miss out on some major events that you later regret not taking part in because you were trying to establish a means of respect for your monogamy. You may end up going too far in your experimentation with non-monogamy and crossing a line that your partner and you were not clear on.
Remember that this is just as much a learning journey as any, and your commitment to commitment may be the only thing that reminds you of why you entered the transition to begin with…to find a new way of staying together.
Frank Kermit
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
to stay married embrace change
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
Couples in Transition
By Frank Kermit
When a couple is going through a change in the status of their relationship they are a couple in transition.
This includes couples that are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, from non-monogamy to monogamy, and also covers life stages from new parenthood to entering the empty nest syndrome, as well as caring for an elderly parent or becoming a primary caregiver to your life partner.
With each transition is a change in your individual identity and how you both may define yourself as a couple. What is important is that you and your partner manage realistic expectations of what will be affected by the transition and let go of any harboring resentment that partners may unknowingly start to feel against one another. No relationship structure is perfect. No relationship structure is better than the other. They all have their positives and negatives. The key is finding what relationship structure works best for your needs, managing the reality of that relationship structure, and use the transition to help make your relationship stronger.
The primary reason that -Happily Ever After- does not exist in real life is because in real life change is constant (unlike a fairy tale fantasies where things can stay the same for a long time). From one year to the next, life has a way of putting you through traumatic events, bringing about tremendous loss as well as great fortune, and ironically presenting us with new opportunities that can be veiled as bad luck. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can be serene moments of reflection to take in what has and has not changed for a person, couple and family in the course of a year.
There are times when we choose our transitions (like the active decision to invite a new child into the family). There are times when we do not choose our transition (such as an unforeseeable accident that leaves you or a loved one incapacitated and in the care of others). There are also transitions that we know are coming, but do not know when though have already agreed to accept for reasons such as feeling obligated, love or to keep a promise (just like when a widowed parent becomes unable to live alone and must move in with adult children and grandchildren).
The fact is transitional stages in life are a given. How and when those transitions occur is less in our control. However, what is within our control is how we choose to manage our transition.
One of the more dangerous elements of a transition is the RESENTMENT that can build up between couples. There is a difference between our intellectual understanding of a situation, and our emotional reactions to a situation. It is this RESENTMENT and how we manage it that will direct the future of our relationships. A person suddenly caught off guard and thrust into the emotional hardships of a transition, could easily direct lots of resentment against their own partner. For example, many new parents find themselves unready for the lack of sleep they experience caring for an infant. Intellectually they knew what to expect.
However, the lack of sleep robs them of energy they normally use to manage their emotional state, and causes them to have a lot less patience with their partner's idiosyncrasies (including those particular partner quirks that they have originally find endearing or attractive).
Many people are incredibly surprised to learn that they had emotional expectations that were different from their intellectual understandings. A person can intellectually understand that when they get married he or she is signing up for better or for worse, but when the -worse- part happens, and they can intellectually stay committed, that does not mean he or she is fully on board emotionally. In fact, it is likely that there could be some emotional resentment building that will surface as a fight, or a lack of interest, with the relationship partner.
So if you find yourself feeling resentful of your partner for something related to a transition going on in your relationship or in life, you may want to consider examining exactly what your expectations were on an emotional level when you went into that relationship. If you were emotionally banking on a happily ever after, even if you intellectually knew better, the issue might be a simple lack of maturity that comes with the understanding about the reality of life and relationships.
As I teach it, it takes more than love to make a long-term relationship work. It takes a commitment to commitment. Being committed to a person is fickle, as how you feel about the person could directly impact how you feel about keeping your commitment.
However, if you practice being committed to your commitment, you may stand a higher chance of sticking it out and making the effort to manage your resentment when your emotional expectations are crash against the wall of disappointment.
To all couples in transition, I urge you to hang in there.
There is a future if you are willing to work through it.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When a couple is going through a change in the status of their relationship they are a couple in transition.
This includes couples that are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, from non-monogamy to monogamy, and also covers life stages from new parenthood to entering the empty nest syndrome, as well as caring for an elderly parent or becoming a primary caregiver to your life partner.
With each transition is a change in your individual identity and how you both may define yourself as a couple. What is important is that you and your partner manage realistic expectations of what will be affected by the transition and let go of any harboring resentment that partners may unknowingly start to feel against one another. No relationship structure is perfect. No relationship structure is better than the other. They all have their positives and negatives. The key is finding what relationship structure works best for your needs, managing the reality of that relationship structure, and use the transition to help make your relationship stronger.
The primary reason that -Happily Ever After- does not exist in real life is because in real life change is constant (unlike a fairy tale fantasies where things can stay the same for a long time). From one year to the next, life has a way of putting you through traumatic events, bringing about tremendous loss as well as great fortune, and ironically presenting us with new opportunities that can be veiled as bad luck. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can be serene moments of reflection to take in what has and has not changed for a person, couple and family in the course of a year.
There are times when we choose our transitions (like the active decision to invite a new child into the family). There are times when we do not choose our transition (such as an unforeseeable accident that leaves you or a loved one incapacitated and in the care of others). There are also transitions that we know are coming, but do not know when though have already agreed to accept for reasons such as feeling obligated, love or to keep a promise (just like when a widowed parent becomes unable to live alone and must move in with adult children and grandchildren).
The fact is transitional stages in life are a given. How and when those transitions occur is less in our control. However, what is within our control is how we choose to manage our transition.
One of the more dangerous elements of a transition is the RESENTMENT that can build up between couples. There is a difference between our intellectual understanding of a situation, and our emotional reactions to a situation. It is this RESENTMENT and how we manage it that will direct the future of our relationships. A person suddenly caught off guard and thrust into the emotional hardships of a transition, could easily direct lots of resentment against their own partner. For example, many new parents find themselves unready for the lack of sleep they experience caring for an infant. Intellectually they knew what to expect.
However, the lack of sleep robs them of energy they normally use to manage their emotional state, and causes them to have a lot less patience with their partner's idiosyncrasies (including those particular partner quirks that they have originally find endearing or attractive).
Many people are incredibly surprised to learn that they had emotional expectations that were different from their intellectual understandings. A person can intellectually understand that when they get married he or she is signing up for better or for worse, but when the -worse- part happens, and they can intellectually stay committed, that does not mean he or she is fully on board emotionally. In fact, it is likely that there could be some emotional resentment building that will surface as a fight, or a lack of interest, with the relationship partner.
So if you find yourself feeling resentful of your partner for something related to a transition going on in your relationship or in life, you may want to consider examining exactly what your expectations were on an emotional level when you went into that relationship. If you were emotionally banking on a happily ever after, even if you intellectually knew better, the issue might be a simple lack of maturity that comes with the understanding about the reality of life and relationships.
As I teach it, it takes more than love to make a long-term relationship work. It takes a commitment to commitment. Being committed to a person is fickle, as how you feel about the person could directly impact how you feel about keeping your commitment.
However, if you practice being committed to your commitment, you may stand a higher chance of sticking it out and making the effort to manage your resentment when your emotional expectations are crash against the wall of disappointment.
To all couples in transition, I urge you to hang in there.
There is a future if you are willing to work through it.
Frank Kermit
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
Closure, Self-Forgiveness and Redemption
Relationship Redemption:
Finding Closure and Self-Forgiveness
By Frank Kermit
We all make mistakes in life. If you have ever tried to get into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are recovering from a relationship, chances are about 100% you screwed up somewhere on something. If you are lucky, you have a partner (or ex-partner) that either has a lousy memory, or a partner that chooses not to remind you too often of the times you goofed.
However, with all that said some mistakes are bigger than others. Insignificant mistakes can be corrected easily. But those mistakes that can detour the journey of your entire relationship, maybe even costing you the relationship itself, are a little harder to process. Even when your ex partner either forgives you, or just does not care anymore about your error that forced about the parting of your ways, people still need to do something to achieve a sense of peace with their pasts. People need to forgive themselves. And for some people, self-forgiveness is mission impossible. In fact, those people who more easily forgive others may struggle indefinitely to forgive themselves for a number of their relationships gaffs, both great and small.
There is a real danger that this particular population may very well get into the bad habit of punishing themselves with self-sabotaging behaviors, which makes their circumstances even worse, causing even more acts of unforgiveable bad judgment, and the cycle continues until a person can be overrun with a horrible shame-and-guilt complex that forbids them from the capacity to function in an emotionally healthy relationship.
For people who find exceptional struggle with forgiving-thy-self I have often found that the key to the ability to forgive yourself for the relationship faux-pas of your past is reaching a point when you can trust yourself, not to commit the same mistake again. Once you prove to yourself that you have new behavior patterns that would prevent you from ever making the same mistake again, some people find a divine compassion for themselves that they previously could not tap into.
People, who repeat the same negative behavior patterns in relationships, will inevitably continue to do so, until they take an active role in learning new behavior patterns, and repeating those new behavior patterns, until those behavior patterns become unconscious habits. When it comes to unconscious habits in relationships, those new habits will foster into an intuition that will give the relationship seekers a sixth sense that will keep them away from bad relationship partners, and point them within the perimeters of potential premiere partners.
Sometimes mistakes can include things like infidelity, wrong priorities, superimposing unrealistic expectations, committing too soon, losing their sense of self in a relationship, becoming too needy or dependant on their partner, acting out personal issues from childhood that have nothing to do with their current partner, or simply choosing the wrong people to date. All of these errors can be understandable in their unique contexts, but they can all destroy the best relationships that come into your life.
When seeking help in relationships, a person tends to want to seek out ways to fix what they keep doing wrong that lands them to lose their relationship opportunities.
Even when they learn what exactly they did wrong, and intellectually know what they need to do next, it is not until they go through a real life experience to process that new knowledge into action, that a person can start to feel confident that they will stop making those same mistakes again. Until that challenge is met, the certainty of their change-work is in question. However, once a person commits to a new behavior pattern such that, they have now reach a point where he or she can trust in themselves, to never make those same mistakes again; THAT is when a person can get to the point of self-forgiveness. In that moment of a newfound respect for self, is the RELATIONSHIP REDEMPTION that allows for even the most hurtful past of any relationship wound to find ultimate closure.
In closure on our pasts, through the self-forgiveness of our own personal relationship redemption, we will find the beginning of our new chapter in the book of our life.
Frank Kermit
Finding Closure and Self-Forgiveness
By Frank Kermit
We all make mistakes in life. If you have ever tried to get into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are recovering from a relationship, chances are about 100% you screwed up somewhere on something. If you are lucky, you have a partner (or ex-partner) that either has a lousy memory, or a partner that chooses not to remind you too often of the times you goofed.
However, with all that said some mistakes are bigger than others. Insignificant mistakes can be corrected easily. But those mistakes that can detour the journey of your entire relationship, maybe even costing you the relationship itself, are a little harder to process. Even when your ex partner either forgives you, or just does not care anymore about your error that forced about the parting of your ways, people still need to do something to achieve a sense of peace with their pasts. People need to forgive themselves. And for some people, self-forgiveness is mission impossible. In fact, those people who more easily forgive others may struggle indefinitely to forgive themselves for a number of their relationships gaffs, both great and small.
There is a real danger that this particular population may very well get into the bad habit of punishing themselves with self-sabotaging behaviors, which makes their circumstances even worse, causing even more acts of unforgiveable bad judgment, and the cycle continues until a person can be overrun with a horrible shame-and-guilt complex that forbids them from the capacity to function in an emotionally healthy relationship.
For people who find exceptional struggle with forgiving-thy-self I have often found that the key to the ability to forgive yourself for the relationship faux-pas of your past is reaching a point when you can trust yourself, not to commit the same mistake again. Once you prove to yourself that you have new behavior patterns that would prevent you from ever making the same mistake again, some people find a divine compassion for themselves that they previously could not tap into.
People, who repeat the same negative behavior patterns in relationships, will inevitably continue to do so, until they take an active role in learning new behavior patterns, and repeating those new behavior patterns, until those behavior patterns become unconscious habits. When it comes to unconscious habits in relationships, those new habits will foster into an intuition that will give the relationship seekers a sixth sense that will keep them away from bad relationship partners, and point them within the perimeters of potential premiere partners.
Sometimes mistakes can include things like infidelity, wrong priorities, superimposing unrealistic expectations, committing too soon, losing their sense of self in a relationship, becoming too needy or dependant on their partner, acting out personal issues from childhood that have nothing to do with their current partner, or simply choosing the wrong people to date. All of these errors can be understandable in their unique contexts, but they can all destroy the best relationships that come into your life.
When seeking help in relationships, a person tends to want to seek out ways to fix what they keep doing wrong that lands them to lose their relationship opportunities.
Even when they learn what exactly they did wrong, and intellectually know what they need to do next, it is not until they go through a real life experience to process that new knowledge into action, that a person can start to feel confident that they will stop making those same mistakes again. Until that challenge is met, the certainty of their change-work is in question. However, once a person commits to a new behavior pattern such that, they have now reach a point where he or she can trust in themselves, to never make those same mistakes again; THAT is when a person can get to the point of self-forgiveness. In that moment of a newfound respect for self, is the RELATIONSHIP REDEMPTION that allows for even the most hurtful past of any relationship wound to find ultimate closure.
In closure on our pasts, through the self-forgiveness of our own personal relationship redemption, we will find the beginning of our new chapter in the book of our life.
Frank Kermit
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ABOUT FRANK
Frank Kermit
NDG Encore Singing Chorus Administrator,
Obese Recovery Coach
Love Coach
(~30 yrs experience)
Author of over 20+ books of original content
NDG Encore Singing Chorus
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