There are many ways to support friends and family members who identify as LGBTQ. Whether you are coming out yourself, supporting a partner or child, or just looking for resources to help someone in your life, there is always something that can be done. This blog post will explore ways people can show their love and understanding for their LGBTQ friends and family members. Educate Yourself!
First, you can learn about the LGBTQ community. The more people know about what it means to be gay or transgender, the better they will understand their loved ones and friends who are members of this community. Learning is empowering, so get together with your family member or friend for a grab-and-go lunch where they can fill you in on all the latest information and research or read a book together. Educating yourself will show that you value your loved one's identity and want to learn more about it. It would help if you also did some research into what steps would be helpful for people who are coming out - whether they're still figuring things out themselves or are ready to come out and be open about their identity. Provide Resources Another way that you can support your loved ones is by providing resources for them, especially if they are new to the LGBTQ community. One excellent resource is PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays). The organization has chapters all over the country with professional counselors available to help with coming out or being an ally. Another resource is The Trevor Project, which has a 24/seven hotline for young people who identify as LGBTQ and might be in crisis. Giving your loved ones resources like these can make it easier for them to come out if they want to or feel better about their identity. Know And Understand Their Challenges Being a supportive friend or family member means understanding their challenges and making sure they're aware that you will support them all the way. The first step is simply lending an ear and asking them how you can help if anything at all. Make it clear from the beginning that your support will always be unconditional and non-judgmental. My Transgender Blog recently posted an educational and interesting article about the transgender community and on the coming-out experience of transwomen. This blog is educational and can teach you about the fears and excitement of coming out and revealing yourself to friends and family. The study has found that transwomen are three times more likely to come out than transmen. Overall, the study found that transwomen come out at a younger age compared to transmen. The study also showed that transgender people often first come out to their mothers and friends, and one out of 10 people want to tell their spouses first. Many transgender people reported that it is not as bad coming out as they thought, but many people also noted negative consequences. However, overall the study showed that despite many people's fears of coming out, most people had a positive experience. Avoid Making Assumptions Another good step is to avoid making assumptions about their experiences or being too curious. This can set the wrong tone for what you're trying to accomplish all together - which is helping them through a difficult time. So take care not to make presumptions about the challenges they face in everyday life - and resist the urge to ask too many questions about their past experiences. This is especially important when it comes to asking personal questions that they may not feel comfortable answering right away, or ever at all. So let them do most of the talking in these conversations - and don't pressure them into sharing more than they're ready for if you sense discomfort. Send A Message Of Support To Your Loved One Another way that you can support your loved one who is new to the LGBTQ community is by sending them messages of hope and love! For example, you might write something along these lines: "I want you to know that no matter what happens with your coming out journey, you will always have me. I love and care about you so much." Also, if your friend is not out to their family members yet but might be soon, let them know that they can tell their family when and how they feel comfortable and safe doing so. Be Patient When Discussing Identity When talking about their identity, it's important to remember that this is an ongoing process. Some have been through the journey for a while now, and there are others still exploring what they want out of life in terms of sexual orientation or gender expression - so be patient with them both when discussing these issues. Remember that this is their journey to take at their own pace. As a friend or family member of someone who identifies as LGBTQ, you can help by simply listening - ask questions if you want to know more but do not press the person if they are hesitant to share. If you have questions about their identity or how it affects them, remember that this is a safe space for your friend/family member, so feel free to ask - but know the context in which these conversations occur. For example, if someone has just come out and is still processing what being LGBTQ means to them, it may not be the best time to ask these questions. Talking About Identity With Children Children might still be in the process of discovery, but letting them know you are there and open to talking to them about it will make them feel comfortable exploring and coming to terms with whatever they decide. Therefore, there is no wrong time to bring this up, and it's okay if the conversation takes a little while before you broach the topic of sexuality or gender. If they ask questions about sexual orientation and gender identity, answer them as simply as possible without going into too much depth for now. If your child seems confused by this, they may be too young to understand the topic thoroughly, and you can tell them that they don't need to know everything right now. It's okay for your child not to care about their sexual orientation or gender identity at a younger age; it's perfectly normal for someone to wait until their teenage years before figuring these things out. LGBTQ people of all ages and experiences need support from their friends and family, especially those just beginning this journey. They will likely face a lot more adversity than someone with years of experience. So if you want to help your friend or family member feel supported, listen to what they are going through and be there for them.
0 Comments
Do you think you are undateable? Find out more in this contributed post. Dating in the modern world is one of those things that can seem pretty intimidating to those on the outside. It can often feel as though things used to be incredibly simple and now there so many rules that the whole thing can be incredibly confusing and overwhelming. The truth is that dating really hasn't changed all that much over the last hundred years or so, aside from a push for more equality among people of different genders and sexualities of course. But that doesn't mean that it's always easy. One of the hardest things about dating is being in a position where you feel as though, because of who you are as a person, you're somehow less dateable than those around you. This is fundamentally untrue! There is nothing that makes anyone in any way undateable! With that in mind, here are some ways to help you stop feeling as though who you are is going to leave you all alone. There are no leagues, only type One of the most common things that you hear when one person is interested in or attracted to someone else but doesn't want to make a move is that they're "out of their league." This is something that is often reinforced by TV, movies, books, music, and just about every other aspect of modern society. Which makes it all the more ridiculous when you realise that the whole idea of leagues is complete and utter nonsense. Who you're attracted to in life has nothing to do with some kind of empirical scale of how attractive you are. It comes down to what you like about someone. It could be their looks, their brains, their personality, and any combination of the three. Just because you think that someone is amazing and beautiful doesn't mean that they're somehow better than you or above you in any way. Remember, there are no leagues, there is only type, and everyone is someone's type! Find people more like you If your anything other than the straight, cis-gendered person that society wrongly assumes is the default, it can often feel as though dating simply isn't for you. Things like Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and all of the other dating sites and apps are great, but they do seem to be mostly geared towards a fundamentally heterosexual way of doing things. If you're a different sexuality or gender identity from "the norm" it can be tough to feel comfortable in those spaces. That's why it's great that there are more and more spaces specifically for people of different sexual orientations or genders to connect with each other. Services like Gay Girl, which can help women who are attracted to other women connect with each other without having to worry about interacting with men in the way that they do on sites like OkCupid offer a truly fantastic service. Being able to connect with people who are like you can make the whole process of dating feel that much less lonely. Stop trying so hard The reality of dating is that it should be fun. If you feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find someone or to get out there, there's a chance that you're doing it wrong. If dating is causing you more stress and anything else, then the best thing to do is just to relax and stop trying so hard. There are other things in life beyond just trying to find someone to date. Spend some time with friends, or just focusing on yourself. The truth is that if you spend more time focusing on yourself, then you're going to be a more complete person which will make dating and finding someone else a whole lot easier. Besides, a lot of the time, the moment you stop looking for love, it falls right into your lap. Of course, it's important to remember that, just because it's expected of you doesn't mean you have to be particularly interested in dating at all! If dating isn't something that you're especially concerned with, don't let anyone try to tell you that there's anything wrong with you! There's no reason why you can't live an incredibly fulfilling life built around your career, your family, your friends, and your passions without needing to add dating and romance to the mix. Dating and falling in love can be wonderful things, but not if you feel like they're something you have to do instead of something you actually want from your life. *Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature. Kinky Acrostic Sunday by Annabel Joseph Oh BAM! Yes, you remember writing Acrostic poetry from first grade. Who's to say we can't put it to kinky purposes? Acrostic poetry is another example of "constrained writing"--a literary technique in which the writer is bound by some condition that forbids certain things or imposes a pattern. Ooh...what could be more kinky than being constrained or bound? Here are a few examples I came up with. You gotta try this. It's fun! Be sure to post your own acrostics in the comments! -Annabel Joseph http://annabeljoseph.com/ To read past articles by Annabel Joseph, click: www.franktalks.com/blog/stigma-and-struggles-of-humiliation-kink The Following are two interviews that Frank Kermit and Annabel Joseph participated in and one clip from Annabel Joseph audio book
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Towards Kink Positive Therapy by Galen Robert Fous Yesterday I was banned without notice from the Depth Psychology Alliance, a moderated Facebook group for Jungian oriented therapists. I had posted a link to an interview I had done recently titled, “The Personal Erotic Myth and the Rise of Fetishsexuality.” I included this quote with the link from my Psychology Today interview by Michael Aaron based on my presentation to the AltSex NYC Conference "When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our taboo, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange." The group’s moderator accepted the post. Several positive comments were made. The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex. I replied that her view was outdated and an insult to the millions of men AND women engaging in consensual Kink. I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality. She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink. Several more people joined the thread, all favorable to my POV (point of view), and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being. I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in. I was about to reply to someone’s comment, and got notice the post had been removed. I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group. I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification. In response, I started a new thread on my Facebook page titled “Kinkaphobia - Are you a sex-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist suffering from Kink-phobia? Help is available. Get treatment now before you harm any more patients that you have shamed, judged or diagnosed as suffering from a psychological disorder or addiction based on your moralistic, outdated, unsubstantiated, harmful beliefs about Kink oriented clients. Shaming is not therapy.” One of the replies to this thread was from someone in the DPA group who disclosed that right after my post was taken down, a new rule about posting was created. "Any content determined to be inappropriate, in poor taste, or otherwise contrary to the purposes of the forum will be deleted and the poster risks being removed from the group.” She (the person who informed me of the groups actions) commented further, “The article you posted was totally relevant to Depth Psychology. If an equivalent article regarding working with gay clients were posted and a commentator said "Homosexuality is only a pathological expression of someone incapable of love and intimacy" - we would never accept that as a reason to delete a post. I am pretty (upset) about this.” I am too. And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth. -Galen Robert Fous *Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature. About The Author Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University. He is the author of the book: Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/ *Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature. Five General Assumptions About Porn Stars and Sex Workers by Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy It's now the Springtime of 2017. Technology is at an all-time level of stupendous evolution. I was at OCAD - Ontario College of Art and Design two weeks ago, and I saw a man with a self-attached, metallic digital earpiece connected to the side his temple, and it extended into his ear like it was straight outta Star Trek: the Next Generation. Google Earth can allow you to visually experience damn near anywhere on this planet from the comfort of your cozy chair in front of your computer. And Ocular Rift is genuinely brain-rearranging in its ability to transport us to unforeseen dimensions of inventive imaginative eye-popping experiences in life... and love and sex, of course! As it is incalculable how important, nay, excruciatingly vital, the phenomenon of human sexuality has been in playing a primary, innovative, pioneering role in evolving virtually every aspect of human existence, from technology, family, finance, science, religion, justice to basic universal empathy; sexuality is literally the lifeblood of reality. You are here because two people had sex (unless you were born via in vitro fertilization,which also required two people's chemical interaction) and, sadly... the fact that two (or more) people simply chose to have some fun and have sex with each other STILL causes other people that ALSO are alive on earth because two other people had sex with each other, to get all messed-up in their morals and perspectives on others living a simple human life! Let us learn how to stop the proverbial madness, once and for all. The degree of decorum-destroying general disrespect that is unleashed ad nausea across the world by generations of less-than-enlightened individuals that completely forget some of the BASIC fundamental principals of a democratic society, and fail to maturely maintain that in a free and civilized nation, democracy and freedom applies to individual sexual philosophical selection as well. This dangerous daily disrespect cannot be quantified enough. And whether heard or unheard, unleashed violently or emotionally, EVERY SINGLE ACT of denial and dishonor to human sexual freedom is downright wrong, no matter how many likes some anti-woman sex-shaming meme gets liked or spread endlessly around the internet, nor how many people privately mutter some slanderous dirt about Belle Knox, Ciara & her new husband, Lindsay Lohan's list of lovers, Rihanna's badgyal image, Kirsten Stewart's infidelity to Robert Pattinson, the Brangelina/Jennifer Aniston thing, or Amber Rose's Slutwalk Initiative (or the original SlutWalk in Toronto, among other acts of resistance). Between completely conscious, collaborative, consenting individuals, whether they are both 21 years old, or 42 years old (if not 82, I'm no ageist and I plan to be having sex until my last day on earth), there has NEVER been an act of safe, sacred and satisfying sexual connection that is worth the apocalyptic religious judgement, negative public stigma, familial shame and/or other detrimental damage done to anyone that has been "caught" enjoying their right to be a human being intimate with other human beings that seek to temporarily bask in the eternal bliss found in a hug, a kiss or any other form of connection we can courageously reach out for in this semi-selfish, harsh, hypocritical, cold world. And thus far, I've mostly been focusing on people who DON'T have sex for money or on a professional basis of value-oriented economic exchange, just the illogical issues too many powerful and supposedly educated people still have about basic, simple sex! Because honestly: regardless of the countless advances in technology we have accomplished as human beings collectively, sex is generally STILL struggling a very barely-evolved phenomenon across the modern world. With men, women and people all being taught, manipulated, exploited, controlled, lied to, sold to, and screamed to by forces as big and influential as international organized religion, various educational institutions, the completely inconsistent and contradictory legal system, the partisan confusion preached by various levels of government, the increasingly unknown intentions of modern scientists... and you're supposed to somehow try and have a lifetime of fun with your genitalia and friends in an earthly environment THIS insane? Good luck!! I have no idea in the world about what acceptable areas and boundaries of intimacy we are supposed to have any unlimited fun within (much less make any money or exercise any constitutional liberty), facing as many internal and external obstacles as we collectively suffer with now. And, with all that frustrated foreplay having been gushed out: one way I have realized I can constantly keep expanding the fun I feel is: TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and keep it as close as possible to the foundation of your feelings, thoughts and actions during every day of your literal life. And from this vantage point of life understanding, I'd like to begin this article: FIVE ASSUMPTIONS TO STOP MAKING ABOUT PORN STARS AND SEX WORKERS IN 2017. Some of these are new, some of them are not, but they are all still relevant and matter to me, my friends, my co-workers, my heroes, my heroines, my idols and my entire future. Let's begin unlearning and relearning some things, shall we? Assumption 1 That a porn star is the same wild person off-camera that they are on-camera, or a sex worker is always horny, and thus should always be sexually available. There is very little difference between any actor, musician, porn star, or entertainer in Show Business. On a certain level, at the end of the day: THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT THE SAME PERSON AT HOME AS THEY ARE AT WORK! There may be some existential aspects or personality traits of their professional life that make an appearance in their private life, but for the most part, the reality is: what you are witnessing on screen and falling in love with IS A PERFORMER GIVING A PERFORMANCE, not necessarily the actual person you dream they are. Maybe one of the best, and original examples of such moonlighting is: Marilyn Monroe isn't actually named 'Marilyn Monroe'. Her birth name was Norma Jean Mortenson, and, unsurprisingly, she was also not nearly as dumb as she acted on screen, fighting with studio executives and going head-to-head with the President, before her rather suspicious death. I'm sure a lot of men and women get aroused by the idea that the actor/actress/acting person they're starstruck over is the witty writer and/or clever creator of the scintillating dialogue magically dripping off their lips and enchanting you eternally, or that they are the owner of all the clothes you love to see them dazzle you in, or that there's no embellishment, exaggeration or outside influence upon by the director or producer upon the final version of the image of the person you are dreaming to wake up beside. But in porn, it's the same as Hollywood: times five. Or more like times 69! I know so many porn stars that have sex like wildebeests on MDMA and tasmanian devils on bath salts, but the moment it's time to stop having sex and start breathing and speaking like a normal muggle again, they simply devote their daytime energy to things like animal rights activism, promoting fitness/exercise culture, fighting for civil rights & justice, whether for reproductive freedom or for LGBTQ+ empowerment, if not some other body autonomy issue worth protesting and shouting at the devil over... or they are just a regular person that is cool with showing themselves have sex for money! Sure, the world of porn can be a quite a life-consuming occupation for many participants, but it doesn't have to necessarily eclipse a porn star's entire reality when they are not getting sweaty and sexy for the camera. There are married porn stars that have families and husbands/wives outside the industry that they go home to when they are off the clock. There are porn stars that only do specific acts for money on camera, and may not EVER show their genitals, or other private parts of their body to the world. Some BDSM practitioners might be known to paddle and flog in a particular signature skin-tight latex/leather outfit, but is on some Mariah Carey/Catholic Nun-level chastity as far as NEVER ONCE having their nipples, genitals or even bare skin be exposed to the world for all ogling eyes to see. Not every day on the job requires actual penetrative sex, and thank goodness, because one's sex drive isn't a consistent faucet with the same expressive pressure every day. Bonnie Rotten might actually be as aggressive in her personal interactions in business as she is in her personal interactions in porn... but that doesn't mean she's spitting down throats and begging for prolapsed gapings in the middle of her lasagna dinner at Olive Garden. Yes, as a porn star, I might have had my work life bleed into my non-work life a bit, and I might occasionally be out at some historic nature monument, looking around like "I wonder if we can have sex/shoot porn here?" Yes, that does happen sometimes, ha. But I'm not always scouting women to have sex with, and I'm not always trying to have sex with the women I am attracted to, even if they know I do porn and want to have sex with them! Porn stars like non-porn movies too! Heck, Ron Jeremy is a classically-trained piano teacher, Lexington Steele is a university-educated, former Wall Street stock broker, and Nina Hartley is a registered nurse. Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy, as much as people want to downplay him as if his impressive genitals were all he had to offer this world, is a certified schoolteacher, and was teaching children on the autism spectrum before it was even diagnosed as such. And sure, not all porn stars might be bookish introverts before they remove their khakis and Oxford blazer, but that doesn't justify denying any porn star the possibility of being a multi-faceted individual capable of any and all the other attributes we ascribe to erotic actors. Finally, even if they are like Asa Akira, and absolutely LOVE being hypersexual as much as possible, what's wrong with that? Nobody shames LeBron James for being obsessed with playing basketball, and if they did, how foolish would they look? About as foolish as anyone shaming any other grown adult for doing exactly what they want with their freedom in life on any given day. Assumption 2 That porn stars and sex workers are unclean, physically or morally, and that it's smarter to stay away from touching them, if you find out you have met one. Optimism and evolution would have most socially-conscious individuals hoping this ignorantly-immature sexual criticism would not remain such a prevalent issue in modern society, what with things like the infinitely-overloaded resource of information known as Internet at virtually everyone on earth's disposal. But, nope! We're still living in times not far removed from the 70's, 80's and the AIDS epidemic, when people were saying stupid shit like "Don't share toilet seats with gay people!" or "You can catch HIV from mosquitoes, or drinking from the same cup." These were some of the ignorant ideas about sexuality that were perpetuated by the masses (not that the government and the education system didn't also do their share of mis-education and avoidance of addressing the facts), and honestly, it's unbelievable how little we have progressed collectively as a society, and as a world. What with Earvin 'Magic' Johnson still alive and well after diagnosing his HIV status in 1991 and having a famous gender-queer son, as well as new HIV-management treatments such as PrEP, I'm surprised that more people aren't opening their minds even a tiny bit, to the possibility of STI's, STD's and/or even manageable or terminal diseases not being the scarlet letter for pariahs awaiting eternal existential exodus. And whether it's HIV, chlamydia, warts, hepatitis, or herpes, the unassailable, unwavering, unbelievably true fact is: the regular civilian that is slut-shaming and slandering any porn stars for being "sexually unclean" has a MUCH HIGHER POSSIBILITY OF TRANSMITTING AN STI than any professional porn star operating at a consistent basis in the adult entertainment industry. The assumption people have about porn star is silly. For every story of a Cameron Bay contracting HIV or a Mr. Marcus spreading syphilis shutdown, there's literally ~millions~ of videos of porn stars exchanging nothing but healthy consensual human sexual energy, plus some saliva and semen and other funky fun fluids between each other, then getting their compensation and calling it a good day's work. The additional truth that the vast majority of porn stars get tested every 14-28 days for most, if not all, STI's to be legally and professionally invited to shoot, in contrast to the general understanding that the average man or woman found at your local bar/dance club/social gathering on a Friday or Saturday night is considered to get tested for STI's approximately once or twice a YEAR, as well as has NO discernible evidence, video or otherwise, that proves they have not had unprotected sex with others since the last (or first) time we chose to become intimate, puts the whole truth into perspective for me. It's a different level of interaction between men and men in porn and in the gay community, but this is not to reinforce the stereotype that porn stars spread diseases because of their work. But that doesn't mean I think I'm going to catch gonorrhea when I go to use the washroom at the Black Eagle Bar on Church St.!) Yet, I digress. The bottom line is: MANY people still think porn stars and sex workers are physically and morally unclean than the rest of the population, including a few doctors at the walk-in clinic I go to that offer little more than a judgmental cold shoulder and the lowest level of customer service possible the moment after I reveal my sex worker status, while seeking testing or other related information. It's probably one of the most knee-jerk, automatic cliches to say about human beings in general: the assumption that people that do sex or porn are dirty, just like assuming something ignorant like "fat people eat like pigs", not considering metabolism, genetics, health conditions, body diversity, or any other reason why it's foolish to assume bigger bodied people are different than any one else. Or deserve any less respect than you or I. So, yes. EVERY single porn star you look at online is NOT a dirty person, physically, morally, economically, or socially. I always say: Porn is messy, not dirty. Real Pornography is the professional creation of healthy, clean, safe, visible sexual delight between happily consenting individuals that are erotically empowered and engaged. Fact: every single Thursday, Friday and Saturday night of the year: there are two people who drunkenly connected with each other at some neighborhood bar, and let the rush of lust consume and compel them to find the first available room/bathroom stall, and get busy... and they didn't stop to ask for consent for barely anything, conducted rather high risk sex possibly without protection, maybe didn't even tell each other their real names, and didn't have any intention on ever seeing them again, yet lied about that desire for short term fun... ...and its people like THIS that want to slander porn stars and disrespect sex workers as morally and/or sexually unclean? The hypocrisy would be laughable, if it wasn't so widespread, malicious and baseless... on top of being foolish beyond comprehension. Assumption 3. Porn stars & sex workers don't value themselves and/or were abused, so that's why they are doing sex work, and their families must be ashamed of them. To deny the autonomous choice of hundreds of thousands of grown adults all over the age of 18 that all must sign 2257 legal documentation, plus show two pieces of government I.D., as well as doctor's-approved clean STI testing, is, as I said, downright ridiculous beyond articulation. The judgmental stigmatization around sexuality is slowly, painfully, creatively and controversially being eradicated on a variety of levels in North America and other forward-thinking societies, from the steamy plots of new age TV shows like 'The Sopranos', 'The L Word', 'Californication', 'Masters of Sex', 'True Blood', 'Game of Thrones', 'Queer as Folk' and back to 'Sex and the City', which all have done impressive work in helping normalize sex, nudity and sexuality to the masses on levels of awareness unknown and rarely explored in the 80's or 90's. Also through rare and various Hollywood movies like 'Boogie Nights', 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Secretary', 'Poetic Justice', 'Love Jones', 'The Notebook', 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back', 'Love and Basketball', '50 Shades of Grey' (ugh) and some imported gems like 'Blue is the Warmest Color', 'Nymphomaniac', 'Y Tu Mama Tambien' and 'Love', amongst many others, modern cinema has opened the average person's mind in general, to nontraditional types of love, new age relationships and sex itself not being the one-way ticket to some supposed burning lake of fire... ...which, strangely, is the fundamental reason WHY every single one of us has manifest a destiny on the planet earth: because. our. parents. were. having. sex! I say all this to say: do you think the actors and actresses parents feel like those actors and actresses don't value themselves? Does Scarlett Johannsen not value herself because she does a movie like 'Under the Skin'? Does Halle Berry not value herself because she did a sex scene like the one with Billy Bob Thornton in 'Monster's Ball'? How about Monica Belluci, and her shockingly realistic rape scene in 'Irreversible', does her doing that scene mean she hates herself and wants to abuse herself, like any other porn star or sex worker that gets paid to act out a hardcore scene? Where does the line start or stop? Well, there actually is no line between any genre, except for the one in anyone's mind. To think that actors aren't also whores or that whores aren't also actors, is to completely misunderstand showbiz, the entertainment industry, and sexuality itself. The adage "sluts give it away, whores get paid for it" is a gross exaggeration of the basic sexual contract in North American society, but...it's kinda true. And I don't judge either one for getting pleasure, or getting paid for pleasure! I humbly suggest you do the same. And honestly, whether or not their families and friends are ashamed of them: as long as they are being safe and consensual, who gives a darn what anyone else thinks? Unless girls are being coerced and manipulated into porn, which does happen sadly, I won't deny (but doesn't the National Army, the fashion industry & professional sports industry all recruit naive, young people under semi-suspicious circumstances as well?) then opinions are like sphincters without enough lube: something that should stay closed tight. I will confess personally, it's pretty helpful to have my mother actually supportive of my porn career as well as my nude modeling, but my biological father isn't supportive at all, yet: I couldn't care less about his opinion! I will sleep wonderful at night knowing that I have a marvelous scene planned tomorrow with a divinely sacred person, where the BDSM, aggressive kink and dominant scenes we have planned are well within our boundaries as responsible adults playing sexy games with each other. I wasn't abused as a child, I love myself beyond measure, my family knows all about my porn career, and supports me doing safe sex work for as long as I want to. Which is: for the rest of my natural born life, thank you very much, and you're welcome! Assumption 4. That you are not, and never have been, in any way connected to anyone in the sex industry, and that you "don't associate with people like that" Reality check: considering how many women and other people are silent about their (possibly temporary) careers in the sex industry, or simply have a second life they don't reveal, I would gamble on the unknown statistics being somewhere around maybe 2 or 3 out of 10 men going their whole sexual life NOT ever having any kind of sexual or intimate engagement with a person that had some sort of sex work/porn employment in their own life. The amount of girls that were strippers to get through college, or did some camgirl work on the side, or was a prostitute temporarily (and maybe still is occasionally), or did some nude modeling for a source of income while going to university, amongst countless other possibilities, cannot be quantified. Nor judged. Just happily assume that one of your best fantasies in your life might have occurred because they were a professional, and you just happened to get lucky somehow... Assumption 5. That sex work or pornography can be eradicated by government legislation, or that pornography can be controlled by religious doctrine and moral decree. As the timeless saying goes: "Prostitution is the world's oldest profession". In 2017, it's absolutely, probably, and truly finally about time people grow up and accept it's not going anywhere. At all! Accept this instead: some people want to expose themselves to the incomprehensibly vast diversity of activity in the world, while others just don't have the same level of ambition. Neither one is right or wrong for wanting what (and who) they want to do. Some people want to deep sea dive with underwater lifeforms off the shores of Madagascar, others don't. Some people want to jump out of airplanes and skydive then parachute, some don't. Some people want to fix cars, some don't. Some people want to cook gourmet meals in expensive restaurants with exotic ingredients, some don't. Some people want to research the newest advances in microbiology in a clinical laboratory, some don't. Some people want to kiss, lick, suck, and have sex with other people to their heart's content, some people don't. Life is better when you can balance yourself in the midst of such divergent possibilities of playful personal adventure on earth, and find what works for you without needing to impose your values and desires on anyone else's values and desires, whether it's your family, your friends, enemies or strangers... and probably most importantly, your lovers and sex partners in life! Negotiation and balance becomes different. Conversation, compromise and communication becomes different. Controlling others choices is never cool, unless you're protecting your own child, and even at a certain point, that becomes corrupting. Caring about someone being safe while they go make their wildest dreams come true is way more cool. And the President, the Prime Minister and the Pope have sexual standards that you need NOT emulate, unless you want to be one of them, or work in those career paths. Follow your own codes, beliefs & laws, as you follow your own heart towards your purpose and pleasure in life and love. Taking a journey like that, while not making any of these assumptions about any of the sex workers and porn stars you enjoy seeing publicly or even indulging in these days, will usher you to a wonderful level of empathy, compassion and understanding of both business and pleasure on the professional level, as well as just respecting humanity properly. Begin removing these archaic ignorant notions amongst & about others, and THEN you can safely make the assumption that you're part of the solutions in sex, not part of the problems stopping the potential of you producing as many wonderful memories as possible in your own spectacular love and sex life. A beautiful love & sex life is truly paradise. Sincerely yours, Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy, Professional Love Maker About the Author
Malcolm Lovejoy (musician/journalist/activist/porn star/sex educator/human being) is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by... If you want to know more, just ask me! Email: [email protected] Twitter: mindbendermind Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy Past Articles From Malcolm: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/5-tips-for-women-for-dating-a-male-porn-star The Jackson 5 Were My Brothers by Nat King Pole So the Jackson 5 are my brothers and we just sing and dance all day. Well at least in my mind they were from age 6 to well... now at 55 lol. I was raised an only child in a small town of 200 on the border of Ontario. Everybody was very white and spoke English or French.
I was 6 years old and I was hooked. From that day on it was all about the Jacksons followed by Motown and Martin Luther king and African American history. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Now the Jacksons became my héros just because I loved the music and the dancing but as I got older I learned that they were also part of a group of people that were not loved and accepted just like me. When I learned he was shot I was devastated as I figured we were doomed to be hated forever. But black people understood oppression and therefore would understand who I was and accept me. I had found my people! Ok I'm about 8 yrs old at this point. I didn't quite get all the subtilités of prejudice.
I wanted an Afro I wanted everything they wore, I never missed them on TV and just bought everything I could get my hands on that I could with my 50 cent a week allowance.
Then I'd spend hours trying to copy what I'd seen. I knew every lyric and move by heart. Man, I was the 6th brother. Now all this put me in the loner weird nerd kid category until secondary five (Grade 11) when it happened. A talent contest. That weird nerdy kid is actually trying out. This should be hilarious they thought. Well no one knew what I'd been up to all these years.
Everyone was standing and going crazy! My parents and grandparents were crying and I won and my whole life changed dramatically that day. Since then I've seen the Jacksons a total of 3 times live and am going for four this June.
Today I'm still performing and it's what gives me the most joy in life. That's when I can be who I really am and it's just as magical as it was when I was in my parent's place just me and my imaginary brothers -Nat King Pole About the Author Nat king Pole is Montreal's busiest drag King and has been for 15 years. As well as performing regularly In his hometown he's been making ladies swoon in Toronto, Quebec city, Ottawa and in Philadelphia, Boston, Provincetown Etc. He sings Live, writes his own parodies, dances and is just plain sexy. They call him the panty whisperer. His website is: http://natkingpole.com/ To read Nat's past post: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/profile-of-a-drag-king Profile of A Drag King by Nat King Pole A Drag King. Wow where do I start? I'm a 55 year old lesbian and I've seen a lot of our history. Short version, everybody knows what a Drag Queen is so simply put, a Drag King is the opposite, a woman that dresses like a man for the purposes of putting on a show. But drag kinging is way more multi layered than that. When I was first coming out in the 80's lesbians were starting to slowly come out of the closet more and more and I remember most of us having short hair and a certain look that made it easy for us to recognize one another. As we started to fight for our equal rights, something changed. I'd hear lesbians saying that we'd never get anywhere if we didn't try to fit in more and look more "straight". As the desire for equal rights grew so did the sightings of what was then called "lipstick lesbians"which were women that looked more traditionally "feminine". That brought on a certain disdain for women like me, Butches. Butches were not good for the cause and it made "other" lesbians look bad, as we tried too hard to prove to the heterosexual community that we were "just like them." Now that pretty much everyone has evolved in the straight community as well as the gay one, we are now ready for Drag Kings. We are more relaxed and ready to just enjoy the differences and similarities in our sexualities. I am no longer a threat. Personally I've always just felt like I was very much a woman, with some masculine traits. I think we all have a bit of both. It's a ladder and some are higher up on the ladder than others. Drag Kinging for me is strictly a performance deal but for others it was a stepping stone to transitioning. Also we are not all gay even though many of us are. In the beginning i thought my performance would appeal strictly to lesbians but as I embark on my 15th year of performing I've noticed that I've been attracting more and more heterosexuals to my shows. My persona is an uneducated sexist know-it-all with a huge ego. Both sexes feel like I'm on their side in the battle of the sexes and they're both right. I get the bad stuff men put women through, but being a lesbian I also understand how women can be in a relationship and what guys go through. Dating A Drag King There are many kinds of kings and we are attracted to many types of people. Like I said, some that I know are straight and some date women or trans gender people. Personally for me, the more feminine the better. I'm a sucker for the burlesque women and luckily our paths cross often. I think it's easier to date someone in the artistic milieu since they understand how things work and don't get upset if you spend a lot of time performing and practicing. For performers no matter the type of performance, it's the air we breath. Also if you're the jealous type, don't even think about it because there will be pictures of me everywhere with my face in someone's cleavage. You'll have to trust that I am a faithful partner and that it's just all showbiz and image. At the moment i'm single so... Well it's been nice talking to you, if you have any questions, write here in the comments below or find me through my website below! Hope you learned something and will go out and enjoy a King Show sometime Nat king Pole is Montreal's busiest drag King and has been for 15 years. As well as performing regularly In his hometown he's been making ladies swoon in Toronto, Quebec city, Ottawa and in Philadelphia, Boston, Provincetown Etc. He sings Live, writes his own parodies, dances and is just plain sexy. They call him the panty whisperer. His website is: http://natkingpole.com/ Below is a music video of Nat King Pole's work Below is an interview that both Frank Kermit and Nat King Pole participated in: Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience
by Sadistfaction I remember taking psychology in CEGEP in1979, and at that time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was on its 2nd revision (DSM-II.) I was quite alarmed to read that I apparently had many sexual disorders; some of the types of sexual deviations listed in the DSM-II were: sexual orientation disturbance (homosexuality), fetishism, transvestitism (sic), exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and "other sexual deviations". Certainly not something you want to read at 18 back then. Today Kink is no longer a four-letter word (well it is, but you get what I mean). Over the last 30+ years I have been educating those individuals who are interested in BDSM, spoken to the media, and set up a website. On it I currently offer non-sexual spankings for sexual arousal or for those who seek discipline or want a good healthy adrenaline rush that uses your bodies endorphin. (A much better alternative to drugs to relieve stress in my opinion). For my first article, I thought I would give some information I am commonly asked about.: Basics of BDSM terminology: Top and Bottom There are lots of discussions between the different terms. Someone who is a Top does not necessarily mean they are dominant or alpha in every day life. A Bottom is the one receiving the pleasure and the Top giving. Like a massage of sorts. What makes a good Bottom? Be on time. Making someone sit and wait for you really shows a lack of respect. You can easily text as soon as you are aware your not going to be on time. Make sure you are squeaky clean in front and in back. Nothing more offensive than foul smells. Offer to help clean up after, thank them for putting in the effort and ensuring your safety. It takes a lot of time to prepare and to setup a scene. Be honest about your prior experiences and fantasies. You should meet the person before hand and give them your personal information so they can setup a safe call. Ask for references (I always offer to provide references). What makes a good Top? If you are a Top, you are the one setting up the scene and its only going to be as good as the effort you put into it. As a Top, I usually go over the basic scene in my head and meditate for 30 minutes prior. You should be well informed about your kink. Don't make someone your guinea pig unless it’s discussed first. You do not want to injure someone by trying something you have no experience in just for the sake of playing. If you’re a novice top be honest about your experience. CPR training is certainly a bonus. Our community centre offers a course once a year. Have a general first aid kit on hand and always keep your toys clean. Review of 50 Shades of Gray Most people in the lifestyle will tell you that 50 shades is a poorly written book about an abuser who has little or no concern about his partners pleasure or well being. In our lifestyle there is a huge paradox in BDSM which most people don't understand as it is the submissive that has all the control. Like yin and yan both are equally as important. Because the submissive can use a safe word that means “no” or stop. Thus giving them control over the scene. Also the submissive is the one getting all the attention. Fifty shades may have made the lifestyle more acceptable and mainstream to the public but it promotes domestic violence, and has nothing to do with BDSM What to expect at your first play party Of course it’s normal to be nervous, especially if you are going alone. However, you will find people to be extremely friendly and there is never any pressure to play. The respect and energy between play partners will surprise you. Most of us are exhibitionists so there is nothing like a voyeur watching our play or just sitting in a non-play area listening to conversations. There are private rooms for those that don't want to be watched and or wish to have sex (oral is most common, intercourse is rare) and the door will be closed. If it is open it is OK to come in and watch. There is also a No-Play Room for those socially awkward or if some one wants to have some quiet time or to talk in private. How to get invited to a play party Most of the play parties are held in someone’s home. When someone comes to my private play party they must be vetted first. Usually vetting is done at a previous get together. Also someone who is already vetted can refer someone. An example of a previous get together is a “munch”. A munch is a gathering at a local restaurant. Anyone can attend of course. Sometimes there are play parties at clubs downtown and everyone is welcome. Do and Don’t List for first time playing When playing with someone for the first time, never use a gag so you can always communicate, I always remain clothed and focus all of my attention on doing a perfect “introductory” scene, if they are into bondage I tie them up and then release them before tying them up again. This establishes trust. Aftercare is always important after every scene so never leave it out. (Learn more about Aftercare in a future article). And of course it’s amazing to hug or cuddle someone afterwards while discussing the scene that just happened. Dungeon Rules and Etiquette No drugs. No video or photography without asking the persons consent first. Ask if it is ok to watch or participate. Don't assume because someone is tied up that you can walk over and touch the person. Don't talk about the weather while people are playing. Put a towel under your play. Cover toys with condoms and wash them before and after. Ask whomever runs the Dungeon if a particular fetish of yours is permitted before you attempt it. If you bring food, label the ingredients as many people have allergies. Meeting New Play Partners When I meet potential play partners it is my pleasure to meet for a non-pressure coffee to discuss your interests. I recommend most people do the same. Don't pressure someone after the meet to come to your place to play. They will be much too nervous to enjoy. Once the person is at home and in a comfort zone, they can think about what you discussed and then decide if getting more intimate is for them. Always do a scene negotiation before you play. SadistFaction started his website in 2001. He owns a dungeon space (with several play stations and lots of toys) that he rents to couples or for private play parties. He is open to meeting people who are interested in learning about the lifestyle. He has spoken about BDSM and kink in the media. He was a consultant for the Television program KINK season 2 filmed in Montreal, has been on the Dr. Laurie show Passion, interviewed by the by the Journal de Montreal (the above photo is from that), http://vice.com, and volunteers at the Everything To Do About Sex Show dungeon booth. Currently he does Spanking and Wax Play Workshops for the local community and is the Dungeon Master at many events. He can be found on Fetlife (user name: SadistFaction) or his website ATTITUDES.CA 5 TIPS FOR DATING A MALE PORN STAR
by Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy Gather 'round, good people! Ladies, women, girls (over 18!) and all femme-identified individuals in the world that have this dream: I can show & tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a male porn star! Are you sick of throwing up in your mouth a little bit every time you listen to the opinions and thoughts of the average man trying to pick you up at the bar or in the club? Are you fed up with being catcalled and wolf-whistled when you walk down the street or go to the mall? Are you infuriated by the overwhelming mountain of obnoxious and offensive texts and emails you get every day in your Plenty of Fish/OKCupid/Tinder/Facebook/online profile, and you're just about ready to delete every account and picture you ever put on the internet? Well, don't do it just yet, please! Yes, I know: the state of modern men is outright dangerous to erotically engage with at worst, if not rather atrocious, depressing, uninspiring, and downright frustrating at best. Dating is a disaster zone where few people escape with their heart and happiness intact, and courtship rituals in Western civilization have drastically decomposed since the days of cowboys and dainty misses, where a man could not even speak to a woman in public if he had not been formally introduced to her, or she didn't wave him over with one of the many signals she possessed in her arousal arsenal, whether it be fanning her face rapidly, or dropping her handkerchief demurely. In 2017, the male courtship ritual might consist of sending a dick pic and a "I'm ready, u up?" text message at 2:13 AM to any woman he can! But, (pardon to use a cliche) NOT ALL MEN are guilty of such callous, selfish and dysfunctional relationship-building behaviour! I, Adhimu Stewart, am a Canadian feminist porn actor, and Professional Love Maker. I have sex with women on camera, and with people for their private fantasies off-camera, too! So, let me tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a porn star (in the making), for those who are curious! Sexy Revelations: 1) No two porn stars are exactly alike, therefore no two relationships with porn stars will be alike. Some porn stars specialize in penis size, muscles, domination, team-sex scenes, rough talk & action, or romantic, story-telling driven vignettes. And who he is on camera may only be a percentage of who he is off-camera! I know that there are things I do privately that I have chosen not to do sexually and publicly, for my own reasons. Every man may be the same, to a lower or higher degree. Will he want different sex with you than he has at work? Probably. Will you want to have a personalized experience with a porn star at home? Maybe it can happen! This may be one of the perks to dating a porn star. And this is what is called: a BENEFIT. Such as the benefits of bliss I felt when I recently made love to a ballerina!! So, yes. It will probably be quite different than any other relationship you have ever had. His average day will probably consist of him being naked, if not him having sex with someone, if not more than one person... so there's that. 2) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Have you ever played hockey with an NHL player? Ever played basketball with an NBA star? Hell, have you ever played tennis with a Wimbledon champion? The experience is guaranteed to be something more intense than just playing a little pick-up game with your neighbors. Your sex, your conversations about sexual boundaries, your understanding of possible relationships, even your every day little interactions are probably going to be much more extreme than usual. I consider myself a sexual athlete, and I like to work up a sweat when I throw down in the bedroom (or bathroom, or living room, or...) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Know yourself, and what you can handle. And if you want to take yourself beyond the limits you've felt with all previous men... then buckle up, and get ready to feel fantasy on a deeper level than you've ever known... Overtime in Game 7 of the Playoffs type magic! 3) It could become high-profile, even when you think you're low-key. I was walking with a lover to an event we had planned on attending together, and within 5 minutes, I had seen three different people from different places and circles of connection. My partner at the time was like "You are so popular! Is there ever a day when it's not like this for you? Can you go anywhere and be alone?" To which I replied "Not really!" So, being with someone that does porn MIGHT reduce your public incognito possibilities, if you are walking around with them. If they are very famous, you may get your own fame just by social media association. As we neared this event, I actually was tangled between three different lovers/former lovers/possible lovers all at once in the same subway station! I introduced them all to each other, and then laughed. #pornlife 4) Do you care what people think? It's one thing to have your privacy threshold reduced... but it's another thing to be exposed to more popularity for dating a porn star, and NOT be comfortable with it! There are levels to this biz. Do you care if your parents know? Do you care what your boss thinks? Do you mind if your drinking and smoking buddies are privy to this info? Does it matter to your extended family if you are dating someone "like that"? I'm not a fool. I am a lucky guy and I'm a evolved intellectual as well. I know most parents wouldn't be completely and totally comfortable with their daughter bringing home a porn star and saying "Mom and Dad, meet Malcolm Lovejoy! Yes, he is a nice guy. Where does he work? Oh, you can see his work online!" We are not living in a society that enlightened as yet, but I'm working on getting everyone there (have you seen my work? I'm not ashamed of it at all! But, I digress.) If you care what people think about your relationship, whether it's your parents or your friends on Facebook, then you will have to work that out internally, if your happiness is worth public judgement (hint: IT ALWAYS IS. But that's for you to choose...) 5) Are you the jealous type of girlfriend? Because if you are, your future with someone who has sex with other people for a living, then... you either are going to have to get REALLY GOOD at turning a blind eye and ear to where your boyfriend was all day yesterday or last night, or start accepting that maybe, just maybe, sex can be like any and every other human interaction humanity conducts every day. There is no reason that porn stars can't be treated like a gynecologist treats their patients or actors treat their co-stars. Porn is a job, and it is very possible (actually, it's pretty necessary and vital) to leave work at work when you go home at the end of the day of shooting porn. I don't have any on-going relationships with any of the lovely women I have shot porn with in the last 6 months. We are friends, and I may spend time with them in other ways, which is nice, but I don't mix business and pleasure in that way too often. I'd like to with a few porn stars, but I understand why many don't. It gets complicated, but it it manageable if you are honest. Every question a lover wants to know about my porn life, I will tell her only one answer: the truth. I have nothing to hide. I show my most recent STI tests to anyone that wants to know if I'm clean. I admit whether I shot a scene with or without condoms. Some days on a porn set don't even involve any penis-in-vagina sex! So, you never know what kind of day it will be, thus the jealousy can be taken apart through moment-to-moment scenarios. I'm coming home to you, and I'm not lying to you about anything I've done, so I promise to stay faithful to giving you love, passion, friendship, trust, joy and honesty. And TRUST ME, there are FEW things more sexy than being together with your partner and watching a porn movie they made... then getting inspired by it to do your own hot sexy stuff right after watching it! That's just the tip of the iceberg of being with a porn star. But I'm not your average porn star, so smile mileage may vary. If you want to know more, just ask me! Email: [email protected] Twitter: mindbendermind Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy In Love and Joy, Malcolm aka Adhimu Stewart "Malcolm Lovejoy is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by..." Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with. Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation. For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations. Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn. There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates. For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed. Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted. Frank Kermit |
Categories
All
Archives
July 2024
NDG Encore Singing Chorus **** Every Friday Night Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes
|