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No one likes a cheating partner. A relationship is all about trust. If you lose trust, your relationship can never be the same again. Marriage is not just about a fairytale-themed wedding. Some ups and downs need to be sorted out with collective effort. If one partner is away, the other should grab his hand and put him back on track. However, if your partner is being suspicious and you are fearing a third person's involvement, then it is time you hire a private investigator.  Is Your Partner Acting Suspicious? A private investigator can help you confront your partner with facts and proof. Hiring a private investigator to verify the suspicion about your cheating spouse can have multiple benefits. Some of the benefits are described in this article. 1. Solve The Case Easily A private investigator can help you solve the case of mystery and suspiciousness your partner is showing. You can not do that yourself because if your spouse gets a hint, they may change their course. Catching them afterward may become even more difficult. Therefore, if you hire a private investigator, he can solve the case much more easily and discreetly. 2. Bring Concrete Proof Investigators are professionals who know how to perform their job effectively. They will not only solve the mystery of your partner but also bring concrete proof in the form of pictures, videos, and audio if necessary. You can utilize this proof to confront your cheating partner. You can also use this proof for your legal action, in case you find it the last resort. The proof is important if you are going to confront your spouse. Without proof, it's your spouse's action against your word. They may deny all your allegations and present you to the world as a paranoid human being who does nothing but a spy. However, if you have proof, you will have more confidence in what you are saying. 3. Maintain Anonymity Private investigators take their job very seriously. They maintain their anonymity to perform their job effectively. The ability of an investigator to work discreetly allows him to work closely with your spouse. For example, if your cheating spouse is having dinner with someone, a private investigator can get closer to capture clearer pictures and record their conversation. This proof gathering is possible only because private investigators remain anonymous. 4. Follow Legal Protocols Every individual has a constitutional right to privacy. Therefore, if you are spying on your spouse, they might sue you for invasion of their privacy. However, some regulations allow an individual to investigate others by following legal protocols. A private investigator knows these legal Protocols and makes sure that he does not invade someone's privacy. His only goal is to gather information for you, without involving himself directly. Because of these Protocols, the information your investigator collects for you can be used in court. 5. Work Professionally As mentioned earlier, private investigators are professional experts. Through experience, they have learned ways to work in certain conditions. They know the best way to handle a certain case. They will devise a policy specifically tailored to meet your needs. Whether you need your investigator to travel to different places, they will not make excuses. They will perform the job professionally and efficiently. They have all the equipment required to investigate a person. Conclusion Cheating partners can be difficult to handle. You can not confront them directly without proper facts. If you want to collect facts and verify your suspicion about your spouse, hiring a private investigator can help you solve the case. An investigator will collect all the facts while remaining in the confines of the law and bring your concrete proof to stand with you when you confront your partner.
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Would you give your cheating partner a second chance? Keep reading to learn some signs that they may be trustworthy again.  Can You Trust Your Partner? Infidelity is something that we would rather not think about in a relationship. If you've been cheated on by someone, many people will probably tell you to walk away from the relationship. Infidelity appears to be rife in certain areas. And while there are many people who confess to having an emotional affair, an actual physical cheat is something that is unforgivable in many people's books. But, there could be some situations where you might choose to give them a second chance. Here are some of the signs that your partner may be trustworthy enough. It Wasn’t a “Full” Affair Any type of cheating doesn't feel good. But if you find out that your partner had a drunken smooch at a work party, you may want to consider how many infidelity points it racks up. That's not to say that a one-time kiss is okay, but you have to decide what is acceptable and what is not. Just because you aren’t marching them to a sexual health clinic doesn't mean that you are not hurt. They Will Allow You To Keep Asking Questions About the Infidelity If they feel stupid for doing it, they may not want to keep talking about it, for fear that you are trying to undermine them or drag their name through the mud again to make them feel bad. But if your partner is open to talking about the reasons behind their infidelity, this is a good sign. But if they want to sweep the problem under the rug and never deal with the issues again, this can cause a lot of problems now and in the future. The importance of talking about the infidelity means addressing the issues multiple times. It's about putting in the hard work, which means talking about the issue until you feel confident in the relationship again. They need to be able to regain your trust, but they have to put in the work. If they don't want to put in the work, it's not a good idea to stay with them. You Can Understand Why They Did It Communication is crucial for this. You need to understand why they did it. In addition, it requires a lot of cooperation. You need to come to the decision if they are a good person that made a bad choice this time, or if they are a person that's likely to repeat this again in the future. You may feel hurt, and you may want to settle the score by cheating on them, but this is not a good way to fix a relationship. This only builds up resentment over time and can be a game of tit-for-tat. If you could understand why they did something, but you don't feel confident in the relationship anymore, it is far better for you to walk away and hold your head high without any regrets. Taking back a cheating partner is not about putting things back to the way they were, but it's about realizing that if this has happened, the relationship will need to change. In order to move on, you have to accept this. Learn 6 signs that can signal the need for a marriage counselor. There is no denying that marriage can sometimes be challenging. Things like complacency can set into marriages over time, as can issues with communication, leading to all kinds of problems. And if those issues don’t get resolved or even identified, those brewing problems can soon turn into an exploding volcano complete with spectacularly upsetting results. Of course, there are steps that couples can take to mitigate the likelihood of problems reaching the point of no return. The first is to identify and admit when there’s a problem, as only then can the two people involved work together towards resolving marriage issues before they reach a crisis point. Whether you’re happy with your marriage or not, here are six signs that you both potentially need to see a marriage counselor:  There Are Steps Couples Can Take Before Reaching The Point Of No Return 1. You find each other unapproachable Do you both find it hard to communicate with each other? And do you think twice before approaching each other to ask a question, for example? If so, they are sure-fire signs that your marriage needs some professional help. When you do seek advice, asking how to deal with poor communication should be at the top of your marriage counseling questions to ask. 2. Your sex life is non-existent Sometimes not having enough intimate time with each other can be attributed to things like stress, fatigue, or other medical reasons. If you’re quite confident that your partner is merely finding excuses not to be intimate with you, it could be a sign they want to distance themselves from you. 3. You can’t get over past indiscretions Has your spouse cheated on you in the past? If that’s the case, it’s only natural that you find it difficult to let go of such previous indiscretions. When someone cheats on you, it’s a real struggle to trust that person again for obvious reasons. There’s always a reason why people cheat in a marriage, so it’s worth talking things through with a marriage counselor to find out what that reason was in the past. 4. You’ve both lost a child Losing a child at any age is something you wouldn’t even wish on your worst enemy. In such times, it’s important to be there for each other. After all, marriage is all about sticking with each other through the good times and the bad. But if your spouse has been distant and “cold” with you since the loss of your child, you’ll need to work things out together with the help of a marriage counselor. 5. You always argue over money Apart from communication, one of the most common reasons for couples to fall out with each other in a marriage is over finances. It’s usually because one person isn’t fulfilling their financial obligations, such as paying household expenses. 6. Your spouse spends too much time working Let’s face it: we all need to earn a living to pay our bills and survive. Is your spouse spending too much time working and not much time with you and your family? If so, a marriage counselor can help you both find ways to achieve a better work-life balance. Looking for relationship advice? Consider all of your options before you move forward. Read this post to discover some pros and cons to asking for help.  Find Balance When Asking For Advice When you’re in a rut, there’s a temptation to look to others for advice. People who have been through the same thing and have relationship experience can enlighten you on how to proceed. Of course, asking others for help is also very dangerous. There is no way to tell if their words are helpful or harmful until you’ve put them into practice, and then it might be too late. You need to find the perfect balance between making your own decisions and following the path well-trodden, and the best way to understand the pros and cons. Here are two each to consider when you start experiencing relationship troubles. Pro: They Can Empathize A shoulder to cry on is always a nice feeling because it’s healthy to vent. However, couples who have been through the same thing can empathize, and that’s worth its weight in gold. Sometimes, there are generic things you need to do to get your relationship back on track, and they can talk you through them. Plus, there will be caveats that they figured out along the way which should come in handy. Without the need to stumble through in the dark and grope around, you can avoid saying and doing irreparable things. Con: People Aren’t Transparent Sadly, too many couples like to show off and make out as if they are the gold standard of love when they are in as much trouble. They shouldn’t throw stones from their glasshouse, yet they do - stones of hypocritical love. And, they do this while attending marriage counseling classes and trying to repair their damaged relationship. There is nothing wrong with giving advice, but it should be truthful and in the proper context. Otherwise, you might make the same mistake and end up in the same boat on a very dodgy looking creek. Pro: They Want The Best For You Often, the people we turn to for advice are the ones we love. It’s not like you’re going to stop a stranger on the street and ask their opinion. As a result, you know that everything you hear comes from the heart. They love you and want to help you be happy, which is why there is nothing untoward. Thinking with your head is the best policy, yet, sometimes, the heart has to rule over everything. To see it in real-time might inspire an epiphany which goes on to save your relationship. Con: They’re Not Experts The flip side of the coin is this: they amateurs. Sure, they’ve been in a successful relationship for years, but they have never stopped to analyze it. As a result, they don’t know the forensic details like a marriage counselor with qualifications and years of experience. A piece of good advice is only helpful when the process is on point as you might try and apply it to areas of your relationship where it isn’t applicable. Listening to advice from others is comforting because it proves you’re not alone. Still, it’s essential to understand the limits of your confiders and seek professional help too.  Throw Back Thursday. Interview with Tom Matlack for The Huffington Post Are You Emotionally Faithful? What constitutes infidelity? Looking at porn? Chatting with an old flame on Facebook? Guys weigh in. by Tom Matlack (originally published June 12, 2010) With the recent indiscretions of Brett Favre, Tiger Woods and other famous philanderers, the question of what constitutes infidelity is on our minds. And, surprise surprise, men and women don’t always agree. Does having a special friend of the opposite sex at work count as cheating? How about looking at porn? Striking up conversations with an old flame on Facebook? According to an ongoing infidelity poll of over 8,000 women conducted by WomanSavers, 69 percent of women believe that viewing porn is emotional cheating. In a similar WomanSavers poll, 92 percent of all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity. (Granted, the readers at WomanSavers, a site where you can do a background check on a guy before going on a date, might not reflect women everywhere.) But suffice it to say, there are many views on emotional fidelity. We would love to hear yours. As a guy, what do you think is important for a fulfilling relationship? What’s OK and what’s not? Do you have the urge to stray emotionally or physically? How do you deal with those urges? Here’s what some of them men I spoke with said: *****
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 What Should You Do If Your Partner Cheats On You? If you just found out that your partner is, or might be, cheating on you, read this article to help you decide exactly what to do right now before you make a bad situation worse. It is never a pleasant situation when you suspect, or have reason to believe, that your partner may be cheating on you. If you are in that situation here is some Frank Kermit advice on how to handle yourself. First stay calm. Getting angry or getting violent will make things much worse for you (and your kids if you have any). No matter how much you feel justified, go do whatever you have to do to avoid letting your negative emotions take control. Get out of the house, go to the gym to work out your frustrations, talk to a friend or your coach (if you already have one). But cool off before you take any action. At this point, you do not know anything more than your partner has (MAYBE) been unfaithful. The second thing you need to do is verify and confirm that the cheating is taking place. Your best friend telling you he/she saw something is NOT evidence. (Read my previous article about Sabotage Between Friends) If you have no evidence (as would be accepted in a court of law) then focus on getting some. Depending on the nature of the cheating, look at: -tracking software, -hiring a private investigator, or -security camera footage. You must think LONG TERM. Thirdly, while you are collecting evidence, check all of your bank statements and accounts and see if there is any unusual activity. If the infidelity was a casual occurrence, it can be dealt with differently than if your partner is planning on leaving you and you see large sums of money missing, it could be a sign of upcoming abandonment. If the infidelity was not a step towards abandonment, then it may be possible to save the relationship (if that is something you want). Fourth, once you have the evidence and have secured some financial security for yourself (just in case abandonment is still a risk), seek out the advice of an independent account or a lawyer specializing in family law. Be careful NOT to be pressured into leaving your partner (unfortunately some professionals may encourage splitting up). Fifth, do an analysis of how a break up would affect you realistically. Depending on your circumstances, you could be in a lot worse situation if you leave without first trying to fix the relationship you are in. Ask people (or your coach Frank) who's lives got worse after a significant break up, and they will tell you (if they trust you with the truth as they do when they talk to me), that if they knew how their lives would have turned out, they wouldn't have jumped ship so quickly. Things like: -not seeing your kids on certain holidays, -losing savings and retirement funds to pay legal fees, -and struggling to find a decent relationship afterwards are not pleasant. The Sixth action for you to take is: Work on an exit plan to make sure that you will not be facing homelessness, and consider putting it into action even if you do not break up with your partner. Consider staying with your partner if your exit plan may take some months to take effect (for example, if you never finished a certification and have 3 months left to get your license for a new profession that would allow you to support yourself, it may be wise to get it done before you exit the relationship). Seventh, finally, if it is true that your partner is cheating, but after confronting your partner, it does turn out that your partner does want to work on your relationship, then no matter how hurt or angry you are, make the effort to work on your relationship if the good in the relationship outweighs the bad Especially if the infidelity is the only major blemish you have to contend with. Nothing happens in a vacuum. This is very important, because people that do not stop and access the repeating behavior patterns that they exhibit (conscious or unconscious) that put them in this position to begin with, are destined to repeat said behavior patterns, and likely end up exactly where they are again, with the next significant partner and the next big break up. This is a great time to seek out the help of a professional counselor, licensed couples therapist, or relationship coach, or other authority figures you trust (a religious leader) to get additional perspectives. You may have played a part in the infidelity of your partner; then again perhaps it had nothing to do with you. A third party perspective can help you determine that. How you react will very much influence if the two of you can survive as a couple or not. This is not a time to shame your partner to friends and family, but instead, spend time with your partner and see what it was that brought you together in the first place, where things went wrong, and what would have to happen going forward to bring things back to a place where the two of you can move on. This may require both of you to make sacrifices (not hanging out with friends, not working late at the office, etc...) to make sure the two of you have TIME to work on this. If you do not, things could get worse. It could be that the two of you have to re-define some boundaries, and perhaps even modify your relationship structure (even consider something that is consensual non-monogamy if you have not already). Perhaps it is time for a discussion about unreasonable or unrealistic expectations that each of you had to begin with. A key point is to never make a rash decision. Remember that the concept of "in good times and in bad" was set to remind couples that bad times are part of life. You have a choice. You can put in efforts to make it better, or you can put in efforts (or lack thereof) to make it worse. Either way, you will live with the consequences of your choices. #cheat #cheaters #affairs #infidelity #unfaithful #cheated #cheatedon #cheater #affair #mistress #sideman #sideguy #liaison #hookup #marriage #divorce #
4 Communication tips for couples are highlighted in this contributed post. A rocky patch in your relationship can cause distress to both sides. It can affect your work, your social life, and your family life too, especially if there are children involved. While it may feel like your relationship is coming to an end, ups and downs are very common in relationships, and you may be able to work through your issues to make it out the other end happier and more content. Take a look at some of the solutions below that could help you both work through your issues to get your relationship back on track.  holding hands https://tinyurl.com/y8bucma2 Talk
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. However, this is one element that many people struggle with, and it’s poor communication that can ruin a relationship. Talking through your issues is difficult, but if you can do so in a way that is non-argumentative and simply expresses how both sides feel, you may find that there is an easier solution to your problems than you realize. Take some time to really talk to each other about the things that have been bothering you for a much healthier relationship where both sides feel heard. Counselling You may not really know much about couples counselling, or feel that it is not for you, but it is something that helps thousands of couples each day to enjoy healthier, more honest relationships. Whether you have problems communicating with each other, you suffer from sexual intimacy issues or anything else that may be causing your rough patch; couples counselling could be the thing that brings you both together again in a safe and open space. Get away from it all Sometimes it’s outside factors that cause our relationships to suffer. If work is affecting your relationship for example, or even one person having a much more active social life than the other, then a vacation could be just what the two of you need. Putting physical distance between the issue and your relationship could be beneficial, and a vacation will give you both the chance to relax without distractions to leave you both feeling much happier when you return. A vacation will also help you establish some perspective so that when you return, you can find ways to manage your workload better or prioritize your relationship over late nights with friends to help you refocus on your relationship. Spend more time together Sometimes the issue can be that you’re just not spending time together. It can be difficult if your schedules clash, or you’re in a long-distance relationship, but these are issues that can be resolved by spending more quality time together. Try to spend time together, enjoying date nights that are free from distractions (that means keeping your phones away!), that let you both catch up on how you’re doing and enjoy each other’s company. Relationship issues can be difficult, but for many people, they are a phase that will disappear with a bit of work. It’s important to remember that love is not a power play, so it’s important to treat your partner as an equal and ensure that they do the same in return. It’s difficult to deal with issues, but tackling them head on will benefit your relationship and make you both stronger for it.  Open Relationships Vs. Infidelity Open Relationships vs Infidelity By Frank Kermit *This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK Poly Can't Cure A Cheater Addicted To Cheating Some people believe that one of the surest ways to guarantee fidelity is to only do open relationships. The premise is that people only cheat in monogamous relationships. Some advocates of open relationships may even claim that the monogamous relationship structure forces couples that would otherwise be happier in open relationships to lie and be unfaithful. This is also based on the premise that having sex with someone that is not your primary partner is not considered cheating if your primary partner knows about it, and consents to it. I personally concur that consent of extra-marital sex negates the concept of cheating. However, just being in open relationships does not automatically eliminate the cheating ways of a person that cheats for reasons other than dissatisfaction with monogamy.
Others in that situation may justify their infidelity because in their opinions, it is the only way for them to support the illusion of monogamy that they feel is expected of them to maintain.
Now for the surprise...for people who cheat because of the thrill they get from cheating, not even being in an open relationship will quench this behavior pattern.
People that cheat regardless of already having the opportunity to have sex with others outside their primary pair bonding relationship generally do so as a means of escapism. So whether you practice:
people who cheat because they are addicted to the perceived thrill of cheating do so for their own reasons, and not because of the relationship structure they are in; and changing relationship structures with this kind of addict will not help. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Sign Up For Coaching Right Now  Interview: Starting Over With Dating Dating Dilemmas 79, this is Frank Kermit's 120th appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face. What does a person go through starting over when dating? How does a person get over an ex, or move on from a break up? Is it good to get right back out there and date after a break up? What is some good speed dating advice? How does a person get over unrequited love? When your ex starts to date someone else before you do? Montreal, Toronto and Nova Scotia This is a contributed post.  restart your marriage https://pixabay.com/en/couple-hands-holding-hands-man-1845334/ You did the unthinkable. You betrayed your partner and embarked on an affair. In the beginning, it was exciting and made you feel alive again. But over time it just felt sordid, and eventually, your partner found out. They are devastated, and your relationship is shattered. You realize your mistake and just want to make things right again. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship after an affair?
The simple answer to this question is yes. It is possible, and some couples do survive betrayal. However, it is a long and difficult process, and not all relationships make it. Rebuilding Trust Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Relationships rely on trust, and when this is broken, it’s as though the foundation has shifted. Each partner must address the issues that led to the betrayal and work through them. This can be difficult to navigate alone as it brings up many uncomfortable feelings. To ensure that communications don’t break down, couples therapy can help. It allows each partner to share their feelings and their place in the relationship in a safe environment. This is an opportunity for both partners to look at their role in the relationship, how they relate to one another, and to understand how the other is feeling. Often this begins with some inner soul-searching and exploring whether they are able to commit to the relationship again and make the necessary changes. For the partner who has embarked on the affair, they must understand that this will not be a quick process. They must prove their fidelity and trustworthiness to their partner over and over again. Taking Responsibility During the process of rebuilding, each partner must take responsibility for their own behavior. The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, understand the reasons that this came about, and admit their wrongdoing. They must be certain that this will not occur again and take steps with their partner to change the circumstances which led to the affair. Reassure After an affair, the wronged partner is likely to feel vulnerable and insecure. They may not admit to this and may show it through anger and rejection. Therefore, their partner must take steps to reassure them. This is something they will have to do for some time. In addition, any new promises that are made must be kept. So it is important to be absolutely clear about this. Don’t promise anything you’re unlikely to keep. Cheating Doesn’t Have To Result In A Breakup Cheating doesn’t always end a marriage or relationship. It is possible to work through things and emerge stronger than before. However, it takes hard work and a serious commitment from both parties. It also takes a certain amount of resilience to believe that as a couple you are strong enough to weather this. There will be difficult patches, and it certainly won’t be plain sailing. But, if you can hold on and work together, you may find that a new relationship is created; one that is built on a greater understanding of each other and results in a renewed sense of trust.  effects of being a mistress The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair. Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved. If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated. In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light. The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern. The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him. The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it. Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off. This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public. Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on. Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people. Frank Kermit  Dating and Depression One of the hardest demographics that I coach is a couple, where one partner is suffering from depression. They are such a challenging demographic because the individuals with depression may look perfectly healthy, and their partners simply do not understand the situation, so they tend to lack compassion. Sometimes, the people we love are in pain. The pain our partners may experience is not always a pain that can be seen. It is easy to conclude that a person is in pain when we see that person in a cast, or other physical signs of illness. When we can see it, it becomes much easier to accept that the person we love will simply not be able to do the things we would normally expect him or her to do. However, invisible pain can be every bit of devastating as the pain that we can physically see. In some cases, the person who is depressed and may not even be aware of the mental illness exists. In cases where a partner ends up in a depression, interest in sex can be the first thing to go, and one of the last things to return if and when the depression passes. When the interest in sex fades, some couples seek coaching, while others wait until the resentment and symptomatic problems of couples not having sex, surface to the point they can no longer be ignored or tolerated. At that point, a lot of damage has already been done. If there was one bit of advice that I want to communicate to both the depressed person and the coping partner it is this: If a person lacks the self-awareness to detect his or her own depression, it is very possible that such a person would blame their misery on their partner. This can be very hurtful to the partner, who is usually innocent of any wrongdoing. A depressed person (not knowing he or she is depressed) may independently conclude that the loss of libido MUST be a result of the partner, and may verbalize such conclusions attributing it to anything from holiday weight gain, to not keeping up with chores. A depressed mind is unable to think clearly and out of hurt and anguish may lash out at a loved one. A loved one being lashed out at may fire back out of feelings of fear and rejection, which only aggravates the issues. If you or someone you love is experiencing a low sexual libido, before either of you accuse the other of horribleness that will surely hurt your relationship, stop and take a moment to ask if the lack of sex drive may be a symptom of depression, and seek out the help of a trained professional for a diagnosis. Do not let a depression destroy the good love you have in your life, regardless of what side of it you are on.  Couples Who Are Sexually Incompatible Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with. Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation. For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations. Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn. There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates. For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed. Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted. Frank Kermit  I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Separation and Dating By Frank Kermit One of the most damaging actions an individual can take is to start dating someone new when going through a separation with their serious long-term partner (spouse, common-law partner or a defacto-union). When I use the term separation here, it is not to be confused with a Legal Separation, which is a legal status, and an alternative to divorce for couples that have moral or religious objections to legal divorce. I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Some therapists recommend that individuals date other people. I completely disagree with this stance. Involving anyone new into a dynamic that is already in a vulnerable shape that turns it into an emotional triangle can wreak havoc on both partners, cause incredible distress on any children who rely on the partners who are separated, as well as cause confusion for the people you date. The point of such a separation is not to experience it as a trial divorce, as many couples unfortunately assume it to be. In fact, the whole reason that separations occur is to work at every possible solution to give the relationship every chance it can have to survive. You do not need to separate first in order to file for divorce (except in the rarest of cases where you must be separated for a specific period of time for a court ordered divorce when one of the partners refuses to agree to it). If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Do not sugarcoat a divorce with a separation if you have no intention of working on your current relationship while separated. What to do during a separation: Work on yourself and whatever issues you may have that contributed to the separation. Get tested for depression. Seek out therapy and coaching. Sober up and deal with your demons. Learn about how to address emotional needs and how to have your own emotional needs addressed. Spend your time alone doing self-reflection and bettering your understanding of love and relationships. Ask yourself why you would have made the choices you made that got you into this situation to begin with. Ask yourself what you have to change to build a future life plan where you will not end up here again. If you invest in a couple of years of this kind of time into healing, then so be it. What is a couple of years compared to the lifetime you can have when reconciled with your partner, and other parent, of your children? It is worth it. What not to do during a separation: It is not a time to form a close bond with new people that would threaten your relationship. Do not hang out with friends and family that have always encouraged you to break it off. It is not a time to be hanging out in bars playing the pickup game. It is not a time to be part of any unplanned pregnancy. It is not a time to be isolating your children from your partner as revenge on your partner. It is not a time to live out all those things you always wanted to do, but were prohibited by your relationship. It is not a time to make significant asset purchases like a new home. It is not a time to make any life altering plans given the lack of emotional stability in your life. It is not a time to uproot your kids from the remaining stability in their lives. Separation does not automatically lead to divorce unless you let it. It is up to you and your partner to put in the work so that it does not happen. In the event you are the only one trying to work on yourself and your partner is not, the exercise is NOT in vain. Do it anyways. At worst, you may influence your partner into participating. At best, you will reach a level of emotional health and be able to teach your children from a broken home what it is to be able to manage an emotionally healthy relationship by serving as an example. If you do not make the efforts to heal, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you do heal, but do not get the co-operation you need to save your relationship, you can take comfort in the fact you will be able to form better relationships for yourself in the future, which will benefit you, and any children who will be touched by your new relationships. People are their repeating behavior patterns, and it is likely that whatever the issues that broke up your first serious relationship, are likely going to break up the second one as well, unless you work on yourself to correct those behavior patterns. Changing your partner will not solve the issues you carry inside. When the second serious relationship ends, is when most people realize they likely would have had an easier and possibly happier life (for their children as well) if they had just worked out the issues with their first serious relationship. At the very least, be ethical if you are enacting a separation with your partner. You are dealing with another human being, and giving any false hope when you have already decided that this is the beginning of the end, is a horrible thing to do. It is not just your partner you need to consider here. Even if you are too angry and resentful at your partner, and have reached a point where you just do not care, any children you have with your partner will surely be affected by the negative emotions. Your children are half you, and half your partner, and will internalize your negative feelings towards your partner, no matter how much you try to shield them from it. If you do date someone while in the middle of a separation, the worst thing you can do is throw it in your partner's face for your own satisfaction, or as a means of getting a reaction out of your partner. In fact, this is creating a divide, not just with your partner (which you may be too drunk on negative emotions to care about); it has the incredible potential to also turn your own children against you, through no encouragement from your partner. This type of violation of security in your children is more difficult to heal than the problems you have with your adult partner. If you want to end it and leave, then file for divorce and be done with it. Telling your partner that you are separating to think about things and that you intend to make the effort to work things out, when in actuality you are just making it easier to manage your secret affair that you plan to leave your partner for, is a mistake. The odds are high that you will surely end up alone, or in a worse situation than you are in now. Statistically, new relationships that start out as affairs rarely last any significant amount of time, but the damage done to the children who learn of the affair is longer lasting. Separation is no time to start dating new people. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time  How To Handle and Heal From Rejection This article is based on my coaching workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm a Woman, It's My Time Rejection: The Best Worst Thing That Can Ever Happen To You By Frank Kermit Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well. Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life. Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection. For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default. Rejection is a Message When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection. Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues. For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances. Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said... When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next. I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging. You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected. Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards. When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work. When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship. For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change. The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable. When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner. Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it. At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it. How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization. Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time. Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late. The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away. Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships. There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either. They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person. Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner. Frank Kermit  Cast Out Toxic People From Your Life This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) How To Deal With Toxic People By Frank Kermit Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so. When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them. For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job. However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job. When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences? Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences? It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on. If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you. You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason. The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all. Buy these books now: I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) Frank Kermit  rebuilding broken trust Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken? Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time. One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time. For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere? In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy. That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again. But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system. Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system. Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation. Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down. Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes. Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love. Frank Kermit  Thankful for Heartbreak Be Thankful For a Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit Ok, I hate this. I really hate this part of the process. However, it is a necessary part of the process, and if I am expected to help encourage others to do it, first I have to demonstrate doing it myself. It is about being thankful for the times your heart got broken. Before we go on, I want to make something perfectly clear. This is not about forgiveness. This is not about condoning any horrible act that someone perpetrated on you. This is not about wishing for it to happen again. This is just a perspective to change your mindset. This is to help people focus on what they can learn from heartbreak. By focusing on what you learned, it puts you into a position where you are more aware of signs you missed the first time, so that you can limit your exposure to massive heartbreaks in the future, without having to close yourself from opportunities of love. Ok, here I go. I am thankful for getting stood up at my senior prom. There were lots of signs I ignored about the way I was treated by that girl leading up to that night. If it was not for that event, I may have always continued to be too trusting and in denial. I am thankful for losing my ex-fiancé to one of my best friends. This event taught me so many lessons. One of the lessons included not talking about my problems regarding my partner with friends, when I should be discussing those with my partner. Another lesson I learned is that even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship, and that is not enough to force a relationship to work if you are with the wrong person for you. I am thankful for a girlfriend having cheated on me by having a threesome with a married couple. This lesson taught me about being realistic when wanting to try an open relationship with certain rules, and not taking action to ensure those rules are followed. I am thankful for an ex-lover who got me to visit her in Vermont after we broke up on the promise of a romantic weekend, only to find out that she just wanted platonic company, so that she would not be alone, and had no interest in being romantic at all. Although the trip was not what I had hoped, it gave me an opportunity to take action when I felt disrespected, and I got up and left. It was something I previously would never have done, had I not learned lessons from previous heartbreaks. Now, I am actually thankful that any of these things happened? Well, not exactly. I wish none of those events had taken place. These events were some of the most devastating experiences of my life when they happened, and with each one, I thought my world was crumbling around me. However, what I must acknowledge about myself in this process is that I probably would not have learned those hard lessons any other way. It took being hurt badly, in order for me to wake up and realize the choices I was making, in terms of the people I dated, were the wrong ones. Without the heartbreak as a motivation to change my behaviors so that I could avoid the same heartbreak again, it is more than likely that I would have continued to make the same mistakes over and over. And for that reason, I am thankful that the lessons I learned did not have to be even more devastatingly hurtful than they were. I had the chance to smarten up before making the same mistake again, which could have had worse consequences. With all that said there are some heartbreak stories that were not so bad, but that I was still able to learn something and be thankful for. I am thankful for finding my very first official girlfriend. She taught me that I was lovable at a time when I struggled to love myself. I am thankful for the women that I have connected with on my journey to understand relationships, as each one taught me how to manage different kinds of relationship structures, and that different relationship structures actually exist and can work. I am thankful for my wife, that has thus far experienced me at my worst, stuck by me anyways and is a great mother to our magnificent son. Together, we continue to learn the true meaning of marriage and all the good and not so good challenges that marriage offers. Lots more lessons to learn here. Inevitably, the majority of the relationships we have in our lives will end one way or another, either through break ups, or for those that last the rest of our lives, death will do us part. Those relationships that do not end in a break up will still have their share of heartbreak. We are human, and human beings make mistakes and hurt the people we love. It is also part of the process. However, if with each heartbreak we can grow a little more, then in time, we will also learn to love a little more, and love with less hurt. Frank Kermit This is a contributed post.  Marriage Contract https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2015/02/01/07/58/divorce-619195_960_720.jpg Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far. RESENTMENT If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left. DISTANCE The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.  resentment https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Unhappy_couple.jpg ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far. G. L. Henderson is an award-winning author and in his acclaimed work, "The Fantasy Master" he asks the question, "At what price are you willing to pay to have a Fantasy? Are you willing to give up the love in your life for a temporary moment of pleasure?" G.L. covers a wide range of situations dealing with the human experience. From the mentality of an emotionally battered woman to the sensuous depths she experiences in her imagination and physical being. G.L. was nominated for top new non-fiction author by the Charlotte's Literary and Arts Awards. G.L. is coming off a self-titled national book tour, sponsored by the Oakley Corp. As a finalist for the Ebony Magazine's Top-Rated Eligible Bachelor of 2006. G.L. has a lot to say on the topic of romance and relationships. Covering both the bachelor standpoint, and the feminine perspective, he gives us the privilege of others' experiences... who dare to share. The emotional depth in his work personifies the accuracy and mystery required of such themes. The experiences of the human spirit are explained so eloquently and tastefully through his mind. Infidelity: The Root of Marital Evil - how to get over it and survive Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The G L Henderson Hour on the Artist First website network. On this show Frank and G L discuss Infidelity: the root of marital evil. A wife catches her husband having an affair, and then catches him with the same woman again. Should she leave him? They have two children together. Also discussed are ways to affair proof your marriage, accidental affairs, making monogamy work, getting past a betrayal of trust, getting over the hurt of an affair and more...Frank also shares his own story of how he got over being cheated on, finding peace and forgiveness and how he coaches singles and couples who are surviving an affair. Can a Threesome Save A Sexless Marriage? Published on Apr 26, 2016 Can a threesome save a sexless marriage? G L Henderson of the Artist First network talks to Frank Kermit about it. This is Frank's 2nd appearance on the show Sexual Health and Families out of Control Date: February 21, 2013 Title: G. L. Henderson Radio Hour Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the G L Henderson Radio Hour. On this show, Frank and G.L. talk about Sexual Health and Families Out Of Control. Kevin Jackson is the author of the book Survive Her Affair, and founder of the site: www.soyourwifecheated.com Kevin Jackson has a unique gift to help men heal from their wife's infidelity. (At least, that is what hundreds of happy customers have to say.) Since late 2010, Kevin has been teaching men around the world how to survive their wife's infidelity, no matter how hopeless their situations seem. Using his no-b.s. approach and unique male perspective on the healing process, he has become the leader in the field of Affair Recovery For Men. Kevin's obsession with this topic began with a very personal experience of betrayal in his own life. He looked around for help to get through his own pain, but all he found were books and programs that were primarily for women. (And these books were full of examples of the man being the one who cheated... talk about sexist). Kevin used his knowledge of internet marketing to put up a website, and started helping men online navigate through the perilous waters of affair recovery. Quickly he had a loyal following and an online tribe. Kevin has leveraged his secrets and philosophies to help men in all 50 states, and from every walk of life. He is available for media interviews and appearances. Bonus Track for Survive Her Affair Date: August 2014, Title: Survive Her Affair Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance. Kevin Jackson author and founder of Survive Her Affair, interviews Frank Kermit as part of a series of audio bonus to the purchase of his book. This is a 10 minute preview of the first interview for you to listen to, and get an idea of how men react to being cheated on by their wives. Lucia is a Dating and Relationship Expert whose intent is to entertain, educate and enlighten. Known throughout major media as a "Cougar Expert", Lucia defends and coaches older women who are dating and in relationships with younger men. In addition to her Cougar expertise she also produces an internet podcast radio show, writes a weekly column, has authored a book and has appeared regularly on multiple talk shows including The Tyra Banks Show and The Dr. Phil Show. To learn more about Lucia please visit http://www.theartoflove.net/. The Goodbye Show Date: February 10, 2013, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit makes his 6th and final appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. This marks the last episode of this podcast as Lucia hosts her Good Bye Show. Frank Kermit, the guest holding the record for most appearances is interviewed for a brief good bye interview. Answering The "Should I have an Affair with Younger Man?" Question Date: March 18, 2012, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Lucia receives an email from a woman who has been married for 20+years but is sexual unsatisfied and is thinking about having an affair with a much younger man renting their basement. Lucia posted this question on Facebook, and Frank responded in a way that Lucia invited Frank to come on air for the second half of her show. Nice Guy or the Jerk? How do Women Choose? Date: June 6, 2011 Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk about an article that Lucia wrote regarding nice guys and why women like jerks. the article went viral and to help address a number of the responses from male readers, Frank and Lucia will dissect the article to figure out what the controversy is all about. All About Monogamy Date: September 19, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Making Monogamy Work. Who does monogamy hurt more - men or women? What are the rules of monogamy? Is there a difference between monogamy and commitment? The Emotional Needs of Women Date: July 25, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Women and Frank's book The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook volume 1. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a man, it's because he's not satisfying one or more of her emotional needs. Find out what they are in this truly enlightening interview with Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of, "The Emotional Needs Analysis Workbook". The Emotional Needs of Men Date: June 6, 2010, Title: The Art of Love Podcast with Lucia Frank Kermit is a guest on The Art of Love Podcast, hosted by Lucia. On this show, Frank and Lucia talk the Emotional Needs of Men and Frank's book The Emotional Needs OF MEN Analysis Workbook. Frank Interviews Lucia Episode #1010, Original Air Date: July 2010 Lucia is a Dating and Relationship Expert whose intent is to entertain, educate and enlighten. Known throughout major media as a "Cougar Expert", Lucia defends and coaches older women who are dating and in relationships with younger men. In addition to her Cougar expertise she also produces an internet podcast radio show, writes a weekly column, has authored a book and has appeared regularly on multiple talk shows including The Tyra Banks Show and The Dr. Phil Show  The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen. An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank." Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious? I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)? Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too). To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall. Frank Kermit  The Ashley Madison Affair The Ashley Madison Affair Re-thinking our relationships and the practice of monogamy By Frank Kermit Ashley Madison, a website that caters to individuals in seemingly monogamous relationships and who are looking for a discreet affair, has been hacked. This means that the discretion and secrecy promised to its membership has been compromised, with full personal information of customers now made publicly available for anyone to download them. The aftereffects, according to various media sources, include suicide of those exposed (at least two thus far attributed directly to the hack), cheating partners confessing their indiscretions to prepare partners for the fallout, a number of people targeted for extortion who are blackmailed into either paying up or having their information further exposed to family and friends, credit card cancellations to avoid illegal identity thefts, a growing number of lawsuits against the website and a big reward offered by the company that owns Ashley Madison to help catch the hackers responsible for the revelation. What is not so publicized is that not everyone uncovered in this scandal is a person in a monogamous relationship attempting to have a secret affair. Single men and women looking for casual sex with other singles do join this kind of site. Also overlooked are couples that agree to have some kind of non-monogamous relationship and find it easier to discover other open-minded individuals through a site like Ashley Madison rather than attempt to find discreet partners through other means. I wonder how some of the couples affected by this will cope. Affairs unto themselves do not necessarily end relationships. It is how a couple copes with the broken trust and how they examine the lack of fulfilling emotional needs that will determine whether or not their relationship will survive this challenging issue. In moments of crisis, we may find new opportunities to reach a level of honesty with ourselves and our partners that could put an end to behaviors of betrayal and potentially help rebuild our relationships on more solid foundations. Maybe it is time for some individuals to accept that monogamy is simply not something they are capable of or interested in pretending to exemplify anymore, or to recognize that they have taken their partner for granted and fostered extreme neglect that pushed them away. Perhaps what could be the most desirable outcome of this entire situation is that, with the right guidance, singles and couples struggling with fidelity may finally learn to be honest with others about their sexual needs and questioning whether they may or may not have neglected their partner’s needs, which led in part to their current predicament. Surely the one thing most people can agree on in the aftermath of this revelation is that, if so many people publicly identify as monogamous but aren’t actually practicing monogamy, then maybe we all need to re-think our relationships and expectations as a society regarding monogamy. One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on. More to the point, monogamy is not for everyone, and neither is a non-monogamous relationship. However, people can make either relationship structure work with the right partner. It takes being honest with themselves first, and learning to communicate their needs to their partners. One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on. While some in the public are praising the hacker group who committed this act in the name of some moral calling, I cannot help but wonder what their next target will be. Their motivation is based on what they find immoral, which means anyone doing anything that is counter to their personal code of ethics could be targeted. Will abortion clinics be next? Perhaps it will be hospital records, to reveal patient medical conditions because of some righteous stance on what diseases are more culpable to have than others, or government offices willing to file marriages (same-sex, inter-faith, inter-race, age-gap) that they disapprove of. Could we see a shaming campaign against sexually active adults who are members of regular dating websites? Perhaps disrupting legal proceedings will be next because some hackers out there feel that divorce proceedings are contrary to their code of ethics. Evidently, the hacker groups are powerful enough to carry about these threats. Something to think about if you happen to be amusing yourself with the effects of watching people’s lives unfold in the wake of the hacking of Ashley Madison. Frank Kermit  Dating the Ex of Your Friend Dating Your Friend's EX By Frank Kermit A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend? Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging. Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship. With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend. First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex. That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person. In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs. This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed. However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals. Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship. Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning. Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends. There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information. With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating. Do you have to do it? No. Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee. Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly. However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma. If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this: If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours? At the very least, it is a starting point. |
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