Secret Past! Does He Need To Know About Her Sex Tapes?
Q&A: Question and Answers

Dear Frank,

For almost 4 years I was involved with a man and we participated in BDSM.  He was my master, and I his submissive.  We had a very documented love life (he loved to record everything) especially when we played with others; more like when he let a number of others play with me.  Anyways, that was a long time ago.  I now live with my fiancé and he knows nothing about my past.  He knows that I had one major relationship but does not know anything about the group sex, the BDSM or the videos.  I ended up with most of those videos and photos I think, but not all (my Master still has a few).  Also, I was blindfolded most of the time during group play, and although my master assures me that no one was was recording anything, there were times when it happened. I live with the secret fear that my fiancé might find my box of tapes and pictures and stuff. He is way conservative and would not understand.  Can you suggest any place that I might store this so that he will come across it at home?
-Submissive Sindy

 
Dear Sindy

I knew a woman once that was in a similar situation.  She was a swinger with her ex, and had exactly the same situation with videos and pictures, afraid that her husband would find them.  She ended up giving her collection to a male friend of hers to hold on to so that she could get it back anytime she wanted, but it was not where her husband could get to it.  Ironically, life being what it is, her and and the male friend have lost touch, and now she doesn't even have access to her videos and photos. 

You have a very simple, but difficult, choice to make.

If you are certain he would not marry you if he knew your past, end the engagement immediately. If he wouldn't marry you if he knew your past, do not marry him. A Broken Engagement is Better Than A Happy Divorce!

​Also as you mentioned in your question, you were blindfolded most of the time, and thus there are chances that there are videos and photos of you out there in the hands of people you do not even know.  In fact, they might already be on the Internet as you have no control over what your ex (or others from the group activities) will do.

Bottom line is that, you cannot build a life with your new fiancé with this threat constantly hanging over you. 

 
In the meanwhile, there are storage companies available (with the note that unless they are packaged and sealed, even the people storing them could view them.   Make sure the photos and videos are labeled inconspicuously.  There is always the option of destroying the material (burning would be best as you can not guarantee where just tossing them in the trash will land them).

I would not suggest giving them to any of your friends.  Friendships come and go, and you might lose touch with them and not be able to retrieve your momenteos (just like the lady from swinger culture I mentioned earlier).

In this case, honesty really is your best policy if you want to build a solid foundation for a marriage. If this marriage could not handle honesty, it is not the marriage for you.  Also, if you desire to ever explore this fetish and lifestyle  again in the future, putting yourself in a marriage that could not allow it, would be a mistake.

-Frank Kermit


It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

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Dear Frank,

I remember reading in a Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man where Steve insists men must be able to: Provide, Protect, and Profess their love in order to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
 
The biggest challenges I have had in my own relationships came when my partner wasn't feeling like he was contributing enough financially or also when I may have been resentful (unintentionally) when he wasn't contributing what seemed fair.
 
So when it comes to romantic relationships, do you think a man can truly be masculine and be happy when he is struggling financially?
 
I would love to hear your feedback! 

-Melissa 


Dear Melissa,

Short answer:

As I explain it in my Coaching Ebook, I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK, a man's masculinity is tied to his self identity (including his self worth) and how he projects that (as behavior or energy).


If making money is tied to his own sense of identity, then yes him struggling financially will factor into his masculinity. If he does not factor money into his masculinity, then no amount of financial struggle will affect his masculine identity.


Long answer:

There are men that have lots of wealth and resources that cannot get a date or keep a woman due to a lack of masculinity, and men that have no resources that women chase and give him money to keep him around.


With that said if a man is going through some kind of mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) because of the financial struggles it is THAT which could affect his masculinity. If it is mental illness then it falls into the "bad times" that married couples commit too (in good times and bad, in sickness and in health).


There are a number of examples of men with little to no financial resources that are able to attract and keep women interested (untapped musicians, struggling entrepreneurs, and the male partners of women who work in the sex industry aka street/suitcase pimps).


On the other side of this debate are women who factor in a man's wealth into his worthiness (at an extreme are the "gold diggers" and "sugar babies", women who have hypergamy (need a man at least at their status or better in order to feel turned on) and women that will put a certain lifestyle they want maintained and supported ahead of how they feel about a person, which I cover in my Coaching Ebook for Women,  I'm A Woman, It's My Time.


Each man and woman has emotional needs that will dictate what turns them on and off, and the issue can be a lack of compatibility and not necessarily a lack of caring.


PS. I LOVE Steve Harvey as an entertainer. He is great at what he does. However, it is reported that he had a ghost writer/book doctor named Denene Millner write (co-write?) his books on dating and relationships. It is not uncommon for a publisher to capitalize on someone's celebrity status for a buying target audience. Millner is primarily a sought after and accomplished career journalist, ghost writer and entertainment writer, and has some great content to offer.   However, keep in mind that  just like everything else in life, it is better to always go to a specialist than a generalist. If you need medical advice, contact a doctor. If you need legal advice, contact a lawyer. And when you need dating and relationship advice, contact a full time dating and relationship coaching expert like me. 


-Frank, Because I have to be

If you liked this Q&A with Frank, you will love Frank's Ebook:

Sex Lies and Confusion: Frank Advice For Real Life Ebook

Dear Frank,

I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?

I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.

I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.

He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.

So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.

A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.

I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.

What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.

HELP!

Detests Porn,


Dear Detest Porn,

I see a couple of issues here.

The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.

For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.

For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.

Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.

The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.

The next issue is the question of values.

If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?

It is not about "should"...there is no "should".

You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.

It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?

When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".

It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.

Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.

The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.

You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.

Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.

You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.

THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.

-Frank, because I have to be
 

Dear Frank:

I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives.

Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate.

After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time.

After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger.

When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come.

During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage.

Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend.

My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped.

We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc.

He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations.

I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it.

For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded.

Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt.

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion.

-Extremely Puzzled

Dear E-Puzzled,

My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names.

Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs.

Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage.

So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions.

As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him.

He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can.

Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand?

With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES.

You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner.

For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend).

What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important?

Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system.

This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on)

I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do.

-Frank

Swinger Beginners: Keep it Out of the Work Place

By Frank Kermit

Dear Frank,

My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests.

Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it.

One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives.

Thanks in advance JC


Dear JC,

When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same.

You go SLOW.

Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband.

Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex.

When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated.

Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career.

Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.

With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers.

In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too.

Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy.

The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal.

My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive.

Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any.

Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband.

There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.

-Frank