She Hates Porn, He Will Not Give it Up

Dear Frank,

I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"?

I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start.

I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house.

He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner.

So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved.

A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies.

I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude.

What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either.

HELP!

Detests Porn,


Dear Detest Porn,

I see a couple of issues here.

The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid.

For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs.

For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people.

Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too.

The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship.

The next issue is the question of values.

If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out?

It is not about "should"...there is no "should".

You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough.

It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you?

When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!".

It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you.

Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal.

The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his.

You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else.

Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one.

You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him.

THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not.

-Frank, because I have to be