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Would you like to try having phone sex but don't know where to start? Continue reading to learn some tips and where you can go to connect with like minded people.  Phone Sex With Strangers Can Be Fun There’s one thing that most people learn when they’re alone that they never thought was possible. That’s the absolute fact that phone sex with strangers is a whole lot of fun. You get to talk about all of your filthiest fantasies with someone who’s just trying to have a good time with you. You don’t have to worry about what they think of you and you don’t even have to get their name right. You just talk about whatever you want to talk about and they have fun with you. In fact, you don’t even have to be alone to learn this. NYMag has a whole article about a woman in a sexless marriage that got herself addicted to phone sex with strangers. It doesn’t matter how odd it sounds. It’s true and it’s something that any person in the world can do. All you need is a phone and you’re off and running. You can have some fun and never have to talk to the other person again. You’ll never have to worry about the way that you’re coming off because you’re only interacting with this person for an hour or so and then you can both forget that each other even exist. The Dirtier, The Better The one thing to keep in your mind is that the dirtier you can get with your phone sex, the better it’s going to be. That’s just how it is and you get to benefit from it. If you can let yourself go and really let your sexuality come out to play, then you’re going to give your phone sex partners an experience that they enjoy and would gladly come back to try out again. If you want to know just how dirty you can get, just think about porn. If there’s something that’s over the line for you, it’s probably going to be going too far. Other than that, everything is on the table. This woman talks about how dirty you have to be if you want to be a professional phone sex provider. If you take her cues, you’ll be able to get dirty without having to hold yourself back. Just ask yourself if the sex act seems like it would be fun for both of the people involved. If the answer is yes then you know that you’re on to something really good that you should try out. How to Have Phone Sex Don’t think that you can just get on your phone and start talking, though. That’s not going to get you very far. It’s a good idea to at least have a passing understanding of what constitutes phone sex and what’s just going to be blabbing with someone. You’ll have to pay attention to how they’re reacting to find out what they like and what’s going too far for them. You’ll also have to know when to send nude pics and when not to send them. It all depends on how deep into the phone sex you happen to be and where the other person is. If you need a good primer, Cosmopolitan had a really good article when it comes to having phone sex. Just think about the kind of people that the article was made for. It was written for women who want to have phone sex. If you can dial into what they’re saying, you can give the women exactly what they’re looking for. It will make you the perfect stranger for them to get naughty with when they want to explore their own desires over the phone. Find Out Where The Strangers Go If you’re already sold on the idea of having phone sex with strangers then all you need to do is find someone to have it with. There are lots of different places that offer it, but you can cut through all of that noise and find the best place for all of your phone sex needs. If you check out Arousr then you’ll be greeted with as many different people as you could ever want to have phone sex with. The best part is that you can see what everyone looks like before you decide to spend any time on them. That’s going to give you the freedom that you really need. You won’t have to wonder what she looks like when you’re talking to her. She’s going to have a pic on her profile so you know exactly how hot she happens to be. That’s going to make the phone sex much better than it would otherwise be. On top of that, these are women who love to do it. You’ll never find a more enthusiastic stranger to have phone sex with. Once you experience it, you’ll be back over and over again.
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Do you have a fetish that you would like to explore? Read more about fetishes in this post.  Having a fetish is not uncommon For many people, fetishes aren’t really something you should mention. At least not aloud and not in public. They are still considered to be taboo in our society, and this can make many people who have them feel alienated and ashamed. In reality, having a kink is not as uncommon as it may seem at first. And you can find more and more people who are open about their fantasies. Especially in big cities, you can find agencies like London Privé escort agency. It is no longer something that shouldn’t be talked about. But the fact is that it used to be a taboo subject for so long that many people don’t really know what exactly fetishes are and what to think about them. Are fetishes bad for you? It’s important to note that fetishes aren’t considered as something bad for you or a disorder. Quite the opposite, if you find a partner who shares your fantasies, or at least is willing to take part in them, your relationship can become a lot better. As long as everyone involved is happy with it, there’s no reason to worry or feel ashamed. However, you have to be aware that in extreme situations having a fetish can turn into a problem. If you notice your behaviour is becoming compulsive and you start losing control over it, it may be a sign things are going too far, and consulting a specialist may be a good idea. The point is that we don’t really know what causes some people to have a fetish while others don’t have any. And there’s no simple explanation that the experts are willing to agree on. Some point to traumatic childhood experiences, while others say that you can develop a fascination with something when you start to connect the pleasure you feel with the presence of a specific stimulus. Most common fetishes The most common fetish is probably the one involving feet, and there’s a lot of people admitting that they find feet to be very attractive. But fetishes can involve other body parts and features as well. Or even objects or clothes. It can be anything like high heels and lingerie, but it can also be more specific and centered around a specific material, for example, leather. Then there are people who get turned on by certain types of activities like bondage or voyeurism. You may even be able to find male and female escorts in London who will be able to help you explore your kinks. Of course, it’s also possible that hiring an escort is one of your fantasies as well. Among the most common fetishes, you’ll find those that involve:
Turn your fantasies into reality Trust is important in any relationship. Some would even argue that it’s the most important thing. So if you have a fetish, you shouldn’t be afraid of sharing it with your partner. It may be a terrifying prospect, but hiding things and worrying about them can affect your relationship negatively over time. People are a lot more accepting than we tend to give them credit for. Plus, there’s a chance your partner won’t mind adding your fetish to your sex life. But even if you currently don’t have anyone else in your life, that doesn’t mean you can’t bring your fantasies to life. For example, if you’re in London, you can look for female escort agency London who provide services related to fetishes. Hiding your desires and feeling ashamed of them can affect your mental state. Such negative emotions can be very harmful, so you should come to terms with your fetishes. But the most important thing you have to remember about when it comes to fetishes is to only get involved in situations that are consensual and comfortable for everyone.  Kinky Acrostic Poetry *Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature. Kinky Acrostic Sunday by Annabel Joseph Oh BAM! Yes, you remember writing Acrostic poetry from first grade. Who's to say we can't put it to kinky purposes? Acrostic poetry is another example of "constrained writing"--a literary technique in which the writer is bound by some condition that forbids certain things or imposes a pattern. Ooh...what could be more kinky than being constrained or bound? Here are a few examples I came up with. You gotta try this. It's fun!
Be sure to post your own acrostics in the comments! -Annabel Joseph http://annabeljoseph.com/ To read past articles by Annabel Joseph, click: www.franktalks.com/blog/stigma-and-struggles-of-humiliation-kink The Following are two interviews that Frank Kermit and Annabel Joseph participated in and one clip from Annabel Joseph audio book
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Your Sexuality Is Your Birthright - Galen Fous Towards Kink Positive Therapy by Galen Robert Fous Yesterday I was banned without notice from the Depth Psychology Alliance, a moderated Facebook group for Jungian oriented therapists. I had posted a link to an interview I had done recently titled, “The Personal Erotic Myth and the Rise of Fetishsexuality.” I included this quote with the link from my Psychology Today interview by Michael Aaron based on my presentation to the AltSex NYC Conference "When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our taboo, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange." The group’s moderator accepted the post. Several positive comments were made. The third was an agitated comment from a therapist who stated that Kink is only a pathological expression of “someone incapable of love and intimacy,” and made a reference to how harmful it was to women and relationships when men want that kind of sex. I replied that her view was outdated and an insult to the millions of men AND women engaging in consensual Kink. I said I felt her views were similar to and as inaccurate as those held by therapists in the 1950’s about homosexuality. She was rather livid that I would dare compare the “courageous struggle of gays and lesbians” to pathologically disturbed people engaging in Kink. Several more people joined the thread, all favorable to my POV (point of view), and some challenging the other therapist over how judgmental she was being. I was getting excited at what I thought would be a very informative discussion about Kink within a professional psychological model I was very much at home in. I was about to reply to someone’s comment, and got notice the post had been removed. I intended to contact the moderator to ask why and discovered that I no longer had access to the group. I had been banned from the group without explanation nor notification. In response, I started a new thread on my Facebook page titled “Kinkaphobia - Are you a sex-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist suffering from Kink-phobia? Help is available. Get treatment now before you harm any more patients that you have shamed, judged or diagnosed as suffering from a psychological disorder or addiction based on your moralistic, outdated, unsubstantiated, harmful beliefs about Kink oriented clients. Shaming is not therapy.” One of the replies to this thread was from someone in the DPA group who disclosed that right after my post was taken down, a new rule about posting was created. "Any content determined to be inappropriate, in poor taste, or otherwise contrary to the purposes of the forum will be deleted and the poster risks being removed from the group.” She (the person who informed me of the groups actions) commented further, “The article you posted was totally relevant to Depth Psychology. If an equivalent article regarding working with gay clients were posted and a commentator said "Homosexuality is only a pathological expression of someone incapable of love and intimacy" - we would never accept that as a reason to delete a post. I am pretty (upset) about this.” I am too. And I hope this begins a wake-up call within the various academic, clinical and alternative therapeutic communities to become educated about Kink oriented sexuality and stop shaming and pathologizing client’s seeking to come to terms with their sexual truth. -Galen Robert Fous *Disclaimer: the views of the author do not necessarily represent the views of Franktalks.com. It is important to present different views/mindsets, and that includes material that may be deemed controversial in nature. About The Author Galen Robert Fous MTP, is a Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist and Sex Researcher. He studied Fetish Sexuality and Authentic Sexual Expression at Institute of Trans-personal Psychology and studied Psychology at Portland State University. He is the author of the book: Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires He can be reached at http://www.galenfous.com/  Find The Right Sex Toys For A Couple by Dr Stacy Friedman  Safe Guard Your Lovers Pride How to Find the Right Toy for a Couple By Dr. Stacy Friedman Whether you’re a beginner or more advanced in using adult toys, knowing what toy to bring into your relationship may be confusing. Some people may feel that they are less of a lover or not capable enough to please their partner if they need or want to use toys, but that can’t be further from the truth! Toys are great if you want to spice things up! They can enhance any relationship and can even help with difficulty in having orgasms.
Here are some tips so you know what toys may be best for what you need.
Believe it or not 75% of women can’t have an orgasm through intercourse so this helps take some of the pressure off! Just make sure lube is used when putting the ring on or it may not slide on very comfortably…ouch!
The plug is a great prostate stimulator so anyone can enjoy anal play. Give some oral or have intercourse and then feel the intensity of your orgasm! Don’t knock it until you try it! The most important thing is deciding together, as a couple, what is best and just be open to trying something new. If it doesn’t work, then try something else but be open to variety, as it is the spice of life! Written by: Dr. Stacy Friedman About The Author Dr. Stacy Friedman, DHS, CSC Dr. Stacy is the founder of Creating Intimacy Coach, Inc. She got involved in the field of Clinical Sexology because of her passion for helping people learn to experience the best sexual intimacy with themselves and with their partner(s). She holds a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality, a Masters in Clinical Sexology and is a Certified Sex Coach. Dr. Stacy is a member of WASC (World Association of Sex Coaches), and of the ACS (American College of Sexologists), which shows she has earned top credentials in her field. She also has a BA in Psychology and a Registered Diagnostic Medical and Vascular Sonographer. Sex Coaching is designed to help women, men, and people of any sexual orientation or gender address their concerns about sexuality, sexual function and sexual expression. Additionally, since 2006, Dr. Stacy has been a consultant selling adult novelties and has coached and educated many people in a fun, positive approach to love, romance and in all aspects of sexuality. Her education and personal, spiritual and sexual journey, including life experience uniquely enables her to help people to face the challenges that may lie ahead and to achieve their goals. If you would like to discuss a concern in greater detail, you may contact Dr. Stacy at 561-899-7669 or by email at [email protected] for a complimentary consultation. Dr. Stacy works with all aspects of sexuality and specializes in women’s issues, low libido, couples with mismatched sex drives and LGBTQ concerns. Coaching sessions are available by phone, Skype (international coaching is offered) and in office sessions located in South Florida, US. www.DrStacy.org Your Creating Intimacy Coach www.facebook.com/DrStacySexCoach Twitter- DrStacySexCoach LinkedIn- DrStacy “My passion is to help you create yours” - Dr. Stacy xo ************************************************* P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Sign Up for Frank Coaching  The Stigma and Struggles of Humiliation Kink Humiliation Kink by AnnaBel Joseph Humiliation is one of those hot button kinks that no one seems to feel equivocal about. Most kinky romance readers either love it or hate it. I know I used humiliation pretty liberally in some of my books. (see the titles of Comfort Object, Mercy, and Club Mephisto) In writing this post, I wanted to get the input of someone who really loved the kink of humiliation in order to give everyone the most positive view of the loving, smexy side of this fetish. I asked my friend "Baby Firefly" for an interview since I think she's a real expert on the emotional side of this topic. I hope you enjoy her wonderful responses!
Erotic humiliation is where one derives sexual arousal, pleasure, or what have you, from being demeaned or degraded by another person. As I see it, this particular fetish is largely psychological in nature, and because of the potential for emotional harm, I would definitely classify it as edge play. This fetish widely varies from person to person. For instance, being called names like slut or whore can be humiliating and even damaging to one person, but another may take no issue with it. The key is for the dom to have good insight to the sub’s psyche. I think humiliation works best between players who know each other very well.
Annabel: Oh man, that's pretty hot. Have you ever had communication problems with your partner regarding humiliation? For instance, expressing what was okay and what was not okay, or how far to take things? Baby Firefly: We’ve been together for nine years now and know each other really well. For us, communication has been crucial in making it work. Before we moved forward with the edgier side of humiliation, we had a long discussion about where the boundaries were for me and for him. After a really intense and degrading scene, we talk about it. The sexual component is only half of it. Processing the emotions it brings up is part of the aftercare. Sometimes I need that, and other times I don’t. The bonus is that not only does it bring us closer, but talking about it always makes for hot conversation.
I do think there is a stigma attached to it, but then there is with most BDSM practices outside of those who live it. I used to be very closed lipped about it even among my friends in the community. It turns out that the hang-up was mine. Funny how that works. I’ve come to embrace it. The wonderful thing about kinky people is how open and accepting they are about sexuality. Now, it’s not something I’d go telling the girls in my book club. I don’t think I’d be invited back after that.
A Slut Goes to the Store Sounds like the first line of a joke right? So not a joke. This weekend I was treated to taste of mild public humiliation. My owner wrote SLUT on my calf in huge letters in black marker. Not so bad right? That's what I thought until he sent me to the corner store at 5:30 PM on a Friday. The mindgame of it all was that it was written in washable marker. I could have very easily wiped it off before I went in to make my purchase. But at what cost? I don't particularly like being caned, so as much as I hated it, as humiliated as I was, the word had to stay.
I ended up pretending that it wasn't there. Yes, I reverted back to my typical coping mechanism. I slipped it on like a skin, remembering how it felt all those years ago in high school. Cold. Frozen. Above. I still heard a few whispers. I felt the stares of the guys who stood behind me buying their twelve pack of Busch Lite on their way home from work. I heard them, but would I ever let that show? Not me. I smiled at myself on the drive home, proud that I'd endured this little humiliation. But the ice crumbled when I saw my owner. He knows how I work. He can see through the layers of ice. The humiliation came crashing down on me full force as he asked me to tell him every little detail.
Many many thanks to Baby Firefly for agreeing to shed light on this often misunderstood form of kinky play, and for sharing such a thoughtful, heartfelt journal entry. So, how do you all (the Franktalks.com/Blog readers) feel about humiliation in your BDSM romance? Like, dislike, depends on the situation? Have you ever read a scene in a book that was humiliating and yet hot? -Annabel Joseph http://annabeljoseph.com/ The Following are two interviews that Frank Kermit and Annabel Joseph participated in
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Can You Convert Your Spouse To BDSM? How To Convince My Spouse To Become BDSM By Master Pierre One question that is asked more and more is: "How do I convince my spouse to get into BDSM ?" The first few times we received that question, it was from submissive men wanting to convince their wives to become their Domme. But lately, we had that question from women wanting their husbands to become BDSM player as Dom or submissive. The answer we give all of them is the same. The need for BDSM is personal and cannot be "taught". People within the BDSM lifestyle usually had to evolve toward what they are in BDSM and to learn about their own needs. Trying to "make" someone who has no BDSM interest whatsoever into a Dom, Top, Bottom, submissive (what have you) is nearly impossible.
Often, during BDSM events, we meet people, men and women, that have a vanilla spouse that cannot satisfy their BDSM needs, but are their life partner with whom they are very much in love. These people go "outside" their relationship to find a partner for their "other" needs and they do this with the acceptance of their spouse. How do they do it? They negotiate the limits of what they can do with their spouse.
BDSM is based on a consensual relationship. To force someone to become involved in BDSM is NOT consensual and will create huge tensions within the couple. It is widely known that during a public party, if you approach somebody new to play with, if that person says no, no means no and you must not insist. The same goes for your spouse, if they say no, no means no.
AUTHOR BIO: The BDSM Circle is led by Pierre and Catharine. They live as a couple with values that include Domination and Submission as way of life for them. Pierre is a Dominant while Catharine also a Dominant is aka "Katy" who is Pierre`s Submissive; and together they oversea a small group of Submissives. They also have a bilingual website called BDSMCircle.com. Catharine and Pierre are featured as part of the 2004 season of the award winning television series KINK. Today they are featured on CJAD 800 AM radio on the Dr Laurie Betito show monthly feature 50 shades of passion. Learn more about them at their website http://www.bdsmcircle.net/ Below is a youtube video of an interview Frank Kermit did many years ago with The BDSM Circle P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Sex and the City: Girl Talk for the Ages Sex and the City 1998-2004- Girl talk for the ages Written by: Pillow Talk Gal If you are 25+ in age, you’ve probably seen at least one episode of this iconic show. Its appeal is undeniable and more often than not any viewer (male or female) walks away having learned something. Witty banter can involve sexually hot topics, fashion trends, designers and of course the ever popular theme throughout the series L-O-V-E.
Through the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte York, Miranda Hobbes and Samantha Jones we are immersed into the lifestyle of living in New York City, where we visit places to grab a quick drink/dinner, see fabulous shops, art galleries and of course there are the endless cocktails (more specifically cosmopolitans, the drink that became synonymous with this show). We follow these women through everything from intimate details about sex (it is called Sex and The City after all) to finding love, staying in love or even falling out of it. This show speaks to me on so many levels that I find watching it almost therapeutic.
Of course her request is met with some surprise by the store clerk as he mentions that Sharper Image doesn’t sell vibrators (it is in fact a neck massager.) None the less, that’s what Samantha has been using it for ‘’wink, wink, nudge, nudge’’. After some interesting and witty exchanges between the two, the clerk succumbs to Samantha’s charm and tells her to pick another. Onlookers in the store have been watching the exchange between the two and have come to the conclusion that she is some kind of vibrator guru (which of course we know she is). They begin to ask her questions as to which model would best suit their individual needs. This scene is a perfect example of the way the show allows us to breach topics that otherwise might be considered risqué. After all, who among us hasn’t had the vibrator discussion with our own girlfriends?
Shape, size, color or even added features, vibrator talk is more common among the best of girlfriends than you would imagine. I can’t help but wonder though, for how many people is a vibrator better than the real thing?
Maybe for some it starts out as a curiosity issue and evolves into a way to avoid intimacy with others. Think about it, a vibrator can’t hurt your feelings, doesn’t act selfish and can never break up with you. It’s always there for you and never asks for anything in return... just new batteries. So the question is where do we draw the line between recreational use and dependence on a battery operated relationship? About Pillow Talk Gal Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons. "Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal *Disclaimer: Sex and the City was produced by HBO and all rights, titles and interests in any images or clips, used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying, remain the property of the author. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Q&A: Secret Past! Tell Him About Sex Tapes? Secret Past! Does He Need To Know About Her Sex Tapes? Q&A: Question and Answers Dear Frank, For almost 4 years I was involved with a man and we participated in BDSM. He was my master, and I his submissive. We had a very documented love life (he loved to record everything) especially when we played with others; more like when he let a number of others play with me. Anyways, that was a long time ago. I now live with my fiancé and he knows nothing about my past. He knows that I had one major relationship but does not know anything about the group sex, the BDSM or the videos. I ended up with most of those videos and photos I think, but not all (my Master still has a few). Also, I was blindfolded most of the time during group play, and although my master assures me that no one was was recording anything, there were times when it happened. I live with the secret fear that my fiancé might find my box of tapes and pictures and stuff. He is way conservative and would not understand. Can you suggest any place that I might store this so that he will come across it at home? -Submissive Sindy Dear Sindy I knew a woman once that was in a similar situation. She was a swinger with her ex, and had exactly the same situation with videos and pictures, afraid that her husband would find them. She ended up giving her collection to a male friend of hers to hold on to so that she could get it back anytime she wanted, but it was not where her husband could get to it. Ironically, life being what it is, her and and the male friend have lost touch, and now she doesn't even have access to her videos and photos.  As I teach it during my pre-marriage coaching sessions as well as in my coaching workbook for women I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK I would suggest that the BEST thing you can do is to tell your fiancé about your past BEFORE you get married. Just as you would want to make an informed decision about who you are marrying, you owe your husband-to-be the same opportunity to make an informed decision. You have a very simple, but difficult, choice to make. If you are certain he would not marry you if he knew your past, end the engagement immediately. If he wouldn't marry you if he knew your past, do not marry him. A Broken Engagement is Better Than A Happy Divorce!
If you have any friends that knew what you were into, it will come up (just like what started to happen to the lady I mentioned earlier that was previously involved with the swinger culture. She had friends from those circles that stayed in touch or would re-connect with past lovers, or just had platonic friends that knew the details of her past. She had to start cutting ties with everyone because some of her contacts were getting careless about what they mentioned around her and her new family.  Blindfold Sex Toy Also as you mentioned in your question, you were blindfolded most of the time, and thus there are chances that there are videos and photos of you out there in the hands of people you do not even know. In fact, they might already be on the Internet as you have no control over what your ex (or others from the group activities) will do. Bottom line is that, you cannot build a life with your new fiancé with this threat constantly hanging over you. In the meanwhile, there are storage companies available (with the note that unless they are packaged and sealed, even the people storing them could view them. Make sure the photos and videos are labeled inconspicuously. There is always the option of destroying the material (burning would be best as you can not guarantee where just tossing them in the trash will land them). I would not suggest giving them to any of your friends. Friendships come and go, and you might lose touch with them and not be able to retrieve your momenteos (just like the lady from swinger culture I mentioned earlier). In this case, honesty really is your best policy if you want to build a solid foundation for a marriage. If this marriage could not handle honesty, it is not the marriage for you. Also, if you desire to ever explore this fetish and lifestyle again in the future, putting yourself in a marriage that could not allow it, would be a mistake. -Frank Kermit It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Sign Up For Coaching Right Now  Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience
by Sadistfaction I remember taking psychology in CEGEP in1979, and at that time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was on its 2nd revision (DSM-II.) I was quite alarmed to read that I apparently had many sexual disorders; some of the types of sexual deviations listed in the DSM-II were: sexual orientation disturbance (homosexuality), fetishism, transvestitism (sic), exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and "other sexual deviations". Certainly not something you want to read at 18 back then. Today Kink is no longer a four-letter word (well it is, but you get what I mean). Over the last 30+ years I have been educating those individuals who are interested in BDSM, spoken to the media, and set up a website. On it I currently offer non-sexual spankings for sexual arousal or for those who seek discipline or want a good healthy adrenaline rush that uses your bodies endorphin. (A much better alternative to drugs to relieve stress in my opinion). For my first article, I thought I would give some information I am commonly asked about.: Basics of BDSM terminology: Top and Bottom There are lots of discussions between the different terms. Someone who is a Top does not necessarily mean they are dominant or alpha in every day life. A Bottom is the one receiving the pleasure and the Top giving. Like a massage of sorts. What makes a good Bottom? Be on time. Making someone sit and wait for you really shows a lack of respect. You can easily text as soon as you are aware your not going to be on time. Make sure you are squeaky clean in front and in back. Nothing more offensive than foul smells. Offer to help clean up after, thank them for putting in the effort and ensuring your safety. It takes a lot of time to prepare and to setup a scene. Be honest about your prior experiences and fantasies. You should meet the person before hand and give them your personal information so they can setup a safe call. Ask for references (I always offer to provide references). What makes a good Top? If you are a Top, you are the one setting up the scene and its only going to be as good as the effort you put into it. As a Top, I usually go over the basic scene in my head and meditate for 30 minutes prior. You should be well informed about your kink. Don't make someone your guinea pig unless it’s discussed first. You do not want to injure someone by trying something you have no experience in just for the sake of playing. If you’re a novice top be honest about your experience. CPR training is certainly a bonus. Our community centre offers a course once a year. Have a general first aid kit on hand and always keep your toys clean. Review of 50 Shades of Gray Most people in the lifestyle will tell you that 50 shades is a poorly written book about an abuser who has little or no concern about his partners pleasure or well being. In our lifestyle there is a huge paradox in BDSM which most people don't understand as it is the submissive that has all the control. Like yin and yan both are equally as important. Because the submissive can use a safe word that means “no” or stop. Thus giving them control over the scene. Also the submissive is the one getting all the attention. Fifty shades may have made the lifestyle more acceptable and mainstream to the public but it promotes domestic violence, and has nothing to do with BDSM What to expect at your first play party Of course it’s normal to be nervous, especially if you are going alone. However, you will find people to be extremely friendly and there is never any pressure to play. The respect and energy between play partners will surprise you. Most of us are exhibitionists so there is nothing like a voyeur watching our play or just sitting in a non-play area listening to conversations. There are private rooms for those that don't want to be watched and or wish to have sex (oral is most common, intercourse is rare) and the door will be closed. If it is open it is OK to come in and watch. There is also a No-Play Room for those socially awkward or if some one wants to have some quiet time or to talk in private. How to get invited to a play party Most of the play parties are held in someone’s home. When someone comes to my private play party they must be vetted first. Usually vetting is done at a previous get together. Also someone who is already vetted can refer someone. An example of a previous get together is a “munch”. A munch is a gathering at a local restaurant. Anyone can attend of course. Sometimes there are play parties at clubs downtown and everyone is welcome. Do and Don’t List for first time playing When playing with someone for the first time, never use a gag so you can always communicate, I always remain clothed and focus all of my attention on doing a perfect “introductory” scene, if they are into bondage I tie them up and then release them before tying them up again. This establishes trust. Aftercare is always important after every scene so never leave it out. (Learn more about Aftercare in a future article). And of course it’s amazing to hug or cuddle someone afterwards while discussing the scene that just happened. Dungeon Rules and Etiquette No drugs. No video or photography without asking the persons consent first. Ask if it is ok to watch or participate. Don't assume because someone is tied up that you can walk over and touch the person. Don't talk about the weather while people are playing. Put a towel under your play. Cover toys with condoms and wash them before and after. Ask whomever runs the Dungeon if a particular fetish of yours is permitted before you attempt it. If you bring food, label the ingredients as many people have allergies. Meeting New Play Partners When I meet potential play partners it is my pleasure to meet for a non-pressure coffee to discuss your interests. I recommend most people do the same. Don't pressure someone after the meet to come to your place to play. They will be much too nervous to enjoy. Once the person is at home and in a comfort zone, they can think about what you discussed and then decide if getting more intimate is for them. Always do a scene negotiation before you play. SadistFaction started his website in 2001. He owns a dungeon space (with several play stations and lots of toys) that he rents to couples or for private play parties. He is open to meeting people who are interested in learning about the lifestyle. He has spoken about BDSM and kink in the media. He was a consultant for the Television program KINK season 2 filmed in Montreal, has been on the Dr. Laurie show Passion, interviewed by the by the Journal de Montreal (the above photo is from that), http://vice.com, and volunteers at the Everything To Do About Sex Show dungeon booth. Currently he does Spanking and Wax Play Workshops for the local community and is the Dungeon Master at many events. He can be found on Fetlife (user name: SadistFaction) or his website ATTITUDES.CA |
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