Looking for relationship advice? Consider all of your options before you move forward. Read this post to discover some pros and cons to asking for help.
When you’re in a rut, there’s a temptation to look to others for advice. People who have been through the same thing and have relationship experience can enlighten you on how to proceed. Of course, asking others for help is also very dangerous. There is no way to tell if their words are helpful or harmful until you’ve put them into practice, and then it might be too late. You need to find the perfect balance between making your own decisions and following the path well-trodden, and the best way to understand the pros and cons.
Here are two each to consider when you start experiencing relationship troubles.
Pro: They Can Empathize
A shoulder to cry on is always a nice feeling because it’s healthy to vent. However, couples who have been through the same thing can empathize, and that’s worth its weight in gold. Sometimes, there are generic things you need to do to get your relationship back on track, and they can talk you through them. Plus, there will be caveats that they figured out along the way which should come in handy. Without the need to stumble through in the dark and grope around, you can avoid saying and doing irreparable things.
Con: People Aren’t Transparent
Sadly, too many couples like to show off and make out as if they are the gold standard of love when they are in as much trouble. They shouldn’t throw stones from their glasshouse, yet they do - stones of hypocritical love. And, they do this while attending marriage counseling classes and trying to repair their damaged relationship. There is nothing wrong with giving advice, but it should be truthful and in the proper context. Otherwise, you might make the same mistake and end up in the same boat on a very dodgy looking creek.
Pro: They Want The Best For You
Often, the people we turn to for advice are the ones we love. It’s not like you’re going to stop a stranger on the street and ask their opinion. As a result, you know that everything you hear comes from the heart. They love you and want to help you be happy, which is why there is nothing untoward. Thinking with your head is the best policy, yet, sometimes, the heart has to rule over everything. To see it in real-time might inspire an epiphany which goes on to save your relationship.
Con: They’re Not Experts
The flip side of the coin is this: they amateurs. Sure, they’ve been in a successful relationship for years, but they have never stopped to analyze it. As a result, they don’t know the forensic details like a marriage counselor with qualifications and years of experience. A piece of good advice is only helpful when the process is on point as you might try and apply it to areas of your relationship where it isn’t applicable.
Listening to advice from others is comforting because it proves you’re not alone. Still, it’s essential to understand the limits of your confiders and seek professional help too.
Read this contributed post to discover ways you can add some spice to your marriage!
We all know how it is. When you begin dating, you are all too familiar with those feelings of butterflies in your stomach and when you see each other, you just can’t wait to get your hands all over one another.
But as time goes on, you become more used to each other, and though your love it still deep, the spark just seems to be gone. So, what to you do to spice things up? Here are a few ideas.
When you were young, the two of you went out together often. But now, there barely seems to be time for you to get together. And even if there is time, you have to think about getting baby sitters for the kids and the expense of treating yourselves to a restaurant or movie.
Well, for the sake of your marriage, it may be time to throw practicality out the door. Even taking some time out to take a walk in the park or sit on the hood of your car watching the stars can be a great way for the two of you to rekindle that old flame. And no matter how much money you may spend…it’s still a lot cheaper than a divorce!
Bring Sexy Back
When marriages start to become ho-hum, one of the first places couples will feel it is in the bedroom. Limited time and having the kids around makes it hard for you to find the time to be intimate, and as you have grown used to each other, the spark just seems to be gone.
Well, there are little things you can do to bring that spark back. Send each other sexy texts during the day. Take time out to look attractive. Take little moments to whisper in each other’s ears. Touch each other often. Go shopping together for sexy toys and lingerie. Try something new in the bedroom.
These are all things you can do to bring sex back on the mind to ensure that you both make it a priority in your marriage.
After you are married for a while, anniversaries can start to seem ho-hum. Many couples barely acknowledge these milestones while others forget about them entirely.
This year, when your anniversary is a few months away, start thinking of planning something big. A vacation or a night on the town can be great ways to celebrate, but throwing a big party with family and friends will surely bring some of the excitement back.
Anniversary parties can be small cocktail affairs or big ragers so decide which direction you want to take it in. But whatever you do, be sure to hire a band that can provide the right mood. There are many cover bands who can do anything from sultry jazz standards to rock and pop hits assuring they will be right for any type of event.
A band is sure to get you and your husband, along with your guests, on the dance floor for slow, romantic numbers as well as upbeat, energetic tunes.
Don’t Forget the Small Stuff
Lastly, don’t forget to be kind to each other. Little gestures of kindness, like turning down the bed, helping each other around the house, or just saying thank you can go a long way in letting your spouse know they are still loved and appreciated.
The flame of many marriages can fizzle as the years go on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep your love going strong. Take time out to be with your spouse, keep things sexy, celebrate your love and show each other you care and you are sure to have a marriage that will stand up to the test of time.
Your opinion matters. Read more to learn how to make sure your voice is heard in your relationship.
While relationships are a place to love that person and share life with them, they can run on power dynamics over time. There’s usually one person who takes charge, or who is meant to at least. Sometimes, it’s a pure democracy. Ideally, both are assertive in their own manner, and is willing to discuss anything with the other person. This is why people often say ‘opposites attract,’ because if you imagine two puzzle pieces fitting together snugly, you need one person of a certain shape to best connect to someone of another.
However, it might be that despite being an assertive person, you usually err too much on the side of the ‘democratic ideal’ whenever you’re connected to someone in this manner. It might be that learning techniques to be more ‘positively assertive,’ can be more than worthwhile, and help the relationship flourish once more. We’re not talking of the need to boss the other around, because that will only breed animosity. Rather, it’s important to consider how you could be more playful, decide more things, and perhaps actualize yourself more in the relationship instead of letting the other do all the work.
Here’s what that might look like:
A Token Of Appreciation
Words can often be a great idea when trying to communicate your love, but often, actions speak louder. A token of appreciation could be many things, but for the most part, it is best embodied in gifts and experiences. For example, check out Tacori’s limited edition jewelry collection to ensure your partner feels amazing during their upcoming birthday celebrations. Something handcrafted can often work brilliantly too, as it emphasizes someone willing and ready to work on the love you both share. Simply giving a gift, sometimes at random, sometimes in a targeted fashion can show you’re always willing to win their approval and know that even after marriage, sweeping them off their feet is never a finished thing.
Often, the worst thing to say is ‘I don’t know, what do you want to do?’ It might be that your partner is tired of choosing where you eat, what movie you see, or what you do for the evening. Being a little more assertive and actually more truthful to that you wish to do can help you take charge, and that’s exciting for the other person. After all, they want to know what helps you enjoy life, and they wish to share your personality. If you leave everything up to them, you’ll struggle to make any progress at all.
Don’t Skirt Around Topics
It can often be quite easy to just jump around topics and sweep them under the rug. But actually, being more assertive means tackling them head-on. Perhaps your partner embarrassed you in front of their friends, and you wish to let them know you don’t appreciate that. Perhaps you are tired of always doing something their way. Perhaps you want them to help out more around the house. If you bottle feelings, you’re just going to have them explode out later in an unhealthy manner. To this end, you might find yourself worried. It’s always best to just communicate well. This way, bad relationships will end and good relationships will bloom.
With these tips, you’re sure to be more positively assertive in your relationships.
Read 4 easy ways to reconnect with estranged family in this contributed post.
With the Christmas season being just around the corner, there really has never been a better time for you to reconnect with your family. If you find this difficult because your family is estranged or because you don’t talk anymore then you have nothing to worry about. There are things that you can do to try and bring everyone together again.
Reach Out More than Once
It’s so important that you reach out more than once. The main reason for this is because relationships can deteriorate over the years and this can be made worse by stubbornness and even lack of communication. You may feel as though you have been wronged by them, or vice versa. You may also be convinced that the other should be making the effort and this can make the situation even worse. If you want to avoid a communication deadlock, then you need to try and extend an olive branch more than once. Let your anger go, and really make the effort to try and see it from the other person’s point of view.
Give, or Ask for Forgiveness
You need to be able to move past whatever happened. If you know that something is holding you back from meeting up with the other person, then you need to stop this from coming between you. Tell them that you forgive them, or admit to the mistakes that you may have made. This can be a fantastic way for you to build bridges and it can also be a great way for you to show that you are there for them. If you want to meet up with them then you may want to rent a house for a family reunion.
Talk About It
When you have come to the point where you can forgive the other person, or where they can forgive you, you then need to try and talk about what happened. You don’t need to ignore the elephant in the room. Instead, you need to chat about what went wrong and even talk about the way that it made you feel as well. It’s so important that you don’t argue here, and that you really put the work in to try and explain the actions that you took at the time. When you do this, you can then reach a higher level of understanding that could bring your family together again.
Plan Something Special
When you are on talking terms, plan something special. You could try and put the Christmas tree up together or you can even try and do something you always wanted to do when you were younger. This can help you to remember the good times and it can also help you to really make the most out of the time you have with one another. If you don’t feel like arranging something like this then consider spending some time with your family and crack open a good bottle of scotch. After all, times like this need to be celebrated and the sooner you are able to understand this, the better.
There are many factors to consider when deciding to live together with someone, Do you know what they are? Read this contributed post to find out more.
The title of this article sounds judgemental, but it’s really not. Asking yourself this question is absolutely a necessity no matter how in love or well supported you are with your lover. Of course, there are some circumstances where moving in together with your boyfriend or girlfriend might be a no-brainer, depending on your current situation. For example, you might decide that since you have a child on the way, it’s best to set up that personal family home in a secure, stable manner, and really try to make a go of things. Many people have done this, and many people have succeeded in crafting a beautiful family home, even though it perhaps wasn’t as planned as it could have been.
But of course, this is a highly specific circumstance, and it may or may not apply to you. If you can, it’s always best to consider deeply when the potential of moving in together comes up. If you manage to simply take the time to consider your position, you can either move forward with your plans enjoying greater confidence or potentially avoid a mistake until you once again consider it.
Consider our simple list of advice to try and decide whether or not this is a good personal decision to make:
What is the financial history and handling like within your relationship? How has this been in the past? Perhaps a stumble here or there isn’t too worrying as we all experience problems from time to time. However, if your other half has been evicted at any time in the last five to ten years, or if they regularly overspend or miss their rental payments, there is no way that tying your financial history to this person is worthwhile.
If you are the person without this sense of financial reliability, it might be that you’re going to struggle to do so in a relationship. Couples often spend MORE when together, not less, and it’s often easy for bad habits to become twice as echoed if you both share them. It might even be that you only have a middling lack of financial handling in the recent past, but if your other half hasn’t challenged you on this (especially if you’re close enough to consider moving in together,) it might be that they aren’t quite the fundamental rock you expect them to be to help you manage your spending issues, nor should you expect them to be.
Financial untying yourself from someone else and vice-versa, especially when two names are on a lease or two contracts become one can become messy if the agreement dissolves. If you’ve ever seen Judge Judy, you’ll know that lawsuits between jaded ex-lovers who moved in together two quickly and shared each and every asset they owned is perhaps 90% of the lawsuits brought to the Judges panel.
It’s neither smart, romantic or clever to throw away your potential financial security to proceed with moving in. You can live semi-permanently with someone without having to tie yourselves together on one lease, or moving together in an apartment signed by both of you.
Of course, if you both have good credit, a history of on-time and well planned financial decisions, and you trust the other person, you can progress with greater confidence. We’d recommend knowing the person and their financial behaviours for at least two years before moving in, although more is often better. Once taking the decision to move forward, take another six months to verify everything financially, assessing and reassessing your eligibility for this life situation. Just like the waiting period after deciding on a tattoo design, time can often bring a refreshed sense of clarity in the long-term if we give ourselves enough time.
Of course, financial stability is one thing, but it’s nothing without the emotional glue that holds a relationship together. Young couples often think that love will last forever, but often it’s maturity that tempers the fires of love and helps retain that sense of rationality at the end of the day, even through tumultuous times. If your relationship often falls into an on-off form of connectivity, then perhaps fusing yourselves together with the financial responsibility of a home is not quite the best idea, even if focusing on a humble apartment at this stage.
It does seem to be somewhat of a cultural attitude that most couples fight and go through long, down periods, but that’s not true at all. Small grievances and annoyances are normal, but they must be talked through. If yourself and your partner have large blowouts, even one a year, it’s a sign that the relationship might not deal with the strain of maintaining and sustaining the funding of a household, no matter how humble.
It’s easy to see that having a child to ‘fix’ a relationship is an absurdly stupid move for most people, but moving in together can be nearly as toxic for both involved. If you haven’t had an argument or large disagreement in your relationship you haven’t worked through immediately, and you trust each other even in the harder times, it might be that you are suitable to consider this step more appropriately.
Emotions vs. Cold Hard Logic
While young love or even mature love can feel like a river of emotions you love to become swept in, this is never the right time to make life decisions that can impact you both. This isn’t to say you need to feel completely detached and mechanical in your decisions for the future, but you do need to temper the positives of your relationships with the worries of the future if you hope to make a good decision. It also cannot be done out of a sense of hurried pacing.
A good analogy is to imagine what you’re like when taking care of your weekly grocery purchases. If you head to the store while hungry, it’s likely you’ll purchase much more than you need. There are clinical studies performed that prove this resoundingly well, but the common sense of this situation is hard to argue in the first place. Consider how this might apply to your current situation, and you’ll have a good idea of what we mean.
Considering the appropriate plan can be worthwhile for now. HDB flats for couples are often the best starting, stepping stone on your path to joining the property market together. It’s best to stay humble. If you can both stay aware of your responsibilities and can temper your expectations to begin with, it might be that drawing up a long-term plan could be very appropriate to do.
Start small. Appreciate what you have. Focus on working together to better your career and financial situations instead of spending on the highest and most comforting residence you can right now. When pooling an income you may be able to achieve something nicer than you would have solo in the first place. Of course, a couple will only need one bed, so it might be that someone moving into the other’s apartment could be a better and cheaper alternative than to simply find a new place together.
Consider compromise. How might both you working commutes be affected? Did you want to live abroad for a certain amount of years? Where are both of your families? Do you have anyone else aside from the relationship participants to turn to for help if you’re struggling a little? Drawing up a set of rough plans of what life will be like on a daily, practical level can help you understand that which you’re getting involved in, giving you the red, amber or green lights to either stop, stay cautious and patient, or proceed with your decision. When contextualized like this, it’s often easy for couples to retain a sense of rationality about their potential timeline of moving, and that’s only ever a good thing.
With these tips, you’re sure to enjoy a more informed decision, no matter your final analysis.
Would you like to introduce sex toys into your relationship but don't know where to start? Read this contributed post to learn how.
For years there has been a push to introduce vibrators into sex play for women. Men have been encouraged to suppress their own feelings towards this and to focus on their partners. Studies have shown that a greater proportion of men who have used dildos with their partners report lower levels of sexual satisfaction than those who have never done so. As psychologists tried to unpick the reasons for this they discovered it was yet another case of men not feeling able to speak up about their own desires. Deeper studies discovered that those men who used sex toys and did communicate with their partners had the best sexual satisfaction of all. The best way for both partners to have mind blowing sex is for the use of toys to be a two way street and for everyone to communicate effectively.
Talk, Talk And Talk Some More
Good sex can be spontaneous sex but for anything that is different from the norm, you need to talk it through; especially when it is the first time. BDSM, role-play and sex toys cannot be introduced unilaterally and it will only be fun for everyone if it is consensual. If you connect with a partner, you can discuss fantasies, or ask questions before, during or after sex. The best time is when it feels right and you are both horny. Don’t jump in like a bull in a china shop but keep it subtle: “you know what would be hot sometime…?” Equally think about the time and place; what works when you are engaged in sex might get a very different and very negative reaction when you are having dinner. Just start with what interests you such as watching each other masturbate and then take it from there.
Go Beyond The Vibrator
Advice on sex play often focuses on improving the experience for the woman. Bullet vibrators on the clitoris or G-Spot, or large penetrative vibrating dildos are not the only sex toys out there. It is important to include these, you need to do your part in providing more variety for her, but she is not the only person in the relationship. It may be that you find these toys exciting and want them used on you; only through being honest and trusting can this happen.
It Is Time To Reclaim Your Pleasure
There are a wide range of penis stimulating sex toys available. The best known, and most flexible, of these is the Fleshlight. The beauty of the Fleshlight is that, like vibrators, you have a huge variety available. The orifices can be surreal or sculpted from the vaginas of porn stars but the interiors are where the real action is. You can choose between highly realistic feeling sleeves or ones so intense that they threaten to make you blow your top in seconds. Fleshlights are not just about pure stimulation, they can play an important role in your relationship too. Some women experience intense pain with penetration and the fleshlight can help to bring you together. Some of the sleeves are designed for stamina training and your partner can use them to tease and train you; improving both your sex lives.
Sex toys are not something to be afraid of, and neither is talking. By talking about your feelings and desires you will not only make your relationship better for you but for her too.
About The Author
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Ready For Love Game
by Frank Kermit
This is another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. It is a little complicated, but it WILL make a point to the group.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
I'm a Woman, It My Time
It may also make some attendees upset. That is the risk you take doing it. Seriously, some of your attendees may get very very upset. Best to do this with people you have worked with for a while, as this game will point out where people self-sabotage and not everyone likes being told how they ruin their own chances at finding love.
The premise is that you go to a florist and buy the cheapest flowers you can (in my area at the time, the cheapest were carnations). Each flower will be individually wrapped in cellophane. Ideally aim for a variety of colors, but it is not necessary.
The amount of flowers you pick up should be about 20-25% of your group capacity. So if you get 20 people coming to the workshop you need to get at least 4-5 flowers.
At the beginning of the workshop you tell them that you are going to play a game called “Ready For Love” and it requires volunteers.
You ask for the same number of volunteers as you have flowers. It cannot be someone whose friends push him or her. It has to be people independent enough to volunteer themselves. You as the host cannot ask anyone specific to step up.
When you have the number of volunteers you need stepping forward (try to have half be men, and half be women), you will make the announcement that these brave souls have taken the risks necessary to find love. Then give each of them a flower.
Tell them: The Flower is a symbol of the Love they have been given, and the love they will risk giving.
It is a symbol of how much risk someone is willing to take when it comes to dating and finding new love in his or her lives.
Each flower holder is then given a choice.
The choice is you can either
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room (regardless of gender) that you want; it is a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love in the future (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this first chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Rule: You cannot give a flower to someone that already has one.
At that point those flower holders who still hold their flowers may sit down, and those who are ready to give it away, find someone in the room to give it to.
Rule: Anyone without a flower can step forward and ASK to be given a flower when it is time for the flower holders to give a flower to someone. Make sure you assistant keeps track on who gets up to VERBALLY ASK for a flower. They have to verbalize it. Standing up is NOT enough. They have to verbally ask the group of flower holders.
Each person must find the courage within to ask individually.
They cannot ask as a group (if you need your friend to help you ask for love, you will die alone).
Each person can ONLY ask once the entire nightlong. After they used up the once, they can no longer ask for love. Everyone get this one turn including people that have had a flower already, gave it up, and have yet to ask for one again.
As the host, you MUST keep track of each flower and who first volunteered, who held it, and who gave it away, and who got it. Get an assistant to help you keep track. It will be important later. Through the course of the workshop, continue with your lesson plan and every little while, you will again ask all the flower holders to step forward and give them all the same choice:
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room you want as a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Those that hold their flowers still, sit down. People who get up and VERBALLY ASK can ask those that want to give their flowers. The flower giver must choose to give it to someone that asks or they can give it to someone that has not asked. It is their choice completely
Once the flowers have been passed on, and you have recorded who got them, and who gave them, who asked for it, if that person got it, and who has held on to the flower refusing to pass it along.
In order for this to work, you have to run this a number of times. If your workshop is 3 hours, try to get in 10 runs of the game (run two, one right after the other to see how that changes it for people). It should not be a predictable pattern (every 20 min).
Over the course of the game you will notice that some of the same people might get a flower each time they are available to get one. You will also notice that some people will not get any flowers at all, and not even ask for one, nor ever volunteer.
What you will discover next is how the entire metaphor of the Flower as being Ready For Love is just a symbol for why the people in the group are still single.
Now it is time to explain why the host (and assistants have been keeping track of who did what and how often). There are points assigned for every action taken and for every flower received.
(you do not tell the attendees that you were keeping track of points)
Each person that was the first to volunteer gets 10 points if they gave their flower away
If the first volunteer holds on to the flower during the first give away, they lose 9 points, and only get 1 point
Each time someone gives away a flower they get 5 points
Each time someone gets a flower they did not ask for, they get 1 point
Each time someone gets up to ASK for a flower, they get 10 points
If the person asking for a flower gets one, they get an extra 5 points (15 total)
If the person holds on to the flower, they do not get or lose points at all. (Zero) They stay the same.
When you tabulate the points you will find that the people who volunteered and who asked for the flowers tend to have the most points.
Those people that refused to participate could have zero points.
Then there are those in the middle.
Now for the secret...the points are meaningless (for the most part). It is not based on the number of points you have that will guarantee that you find love.
The ONLY thing that the points reflect is your willingness to be READY FOR LOVE. Just like life does not guarantee results, neither can you.
However, the people that put themselves out there the most are the ones that have the best chances for love.
Each point represents a chance at love. But just like in life, if you block yourself from taking chances on new opportunities for love, because you are too obsessed with the “flower” in your hand at the moment, you will not find a potential soul mate.
You need to be open to love in order to be READY FOR LOVE. THAT is the point of the game. To remind everyone to be open to meeting a potential soul mate.
Every 5 points represents the number of soul mates you will meet over the course of your lifetime.
The more you put yourself out there, the more soul mates you will meet over the course of your life. Sometimes you might get lucky that someone likes you enough to make a move on you (give you a flower without asking). If you are LUCKY enough to be attractive to others, you get a shot at collecting enough opportunities to come across a new soul mate.
That is still no guarantee it will work out.
But you have a bigger chance at meeting someone.
The people who initially volunteered as well as the people that got up and verbally asked got the highest point. They represent the ones who are willing to ask for what they want and to volunteer to
take the risk to be Ready for Love. They get 10 points (which means they have the chance of meeting two great soul mates throughout their love lives).
The people who volunteered at the beginning, but who did not give the flower away represent the people that were too attached to their first love, and closed themselves off from new opportunities for love. Thus they only get 1 point (the same amount of points that someone gets when they are just lucky). One point alone is not enough to get to them a soul mate.
Each time someone gives away a flower, that person gets 5 points. These people represent what it takes to increase your chances in your love life to meet as many soul mates as you can. You do not get love by hoarding it. You get more love by giving more love. If a person gives away a flower every time he or she gets one, by the end of the night, that person will have great chances to meet a number of soul mates in their love life. (All symbolic of course).
Each time that someone gets a flower without asking for it, they get 1 point only. They represent the people that just get lucky in their lives. 1 point is not enough, but if they are lucky enough to get 5 flowers without asking, they can achieve 5 points by the end of the workshop and earn the chance at having one soul mate in their love life.
Each time that someone asked for a flower and got it, they get a total of 15 points (10 for asking and a bonus extra 5 for actually getting one). They represent what it takes to have the BEST chances of finding real love. They have learned to ASK for what they want, and just the fact they have put themselves out there gives them high chances to meet a soul mate.
If they get a flower, whether it is because no one else was available at the moment to ask (timing does play a factor), or because there was something about the person that the flower giver liked, it means they are READY FOR LOVE in both taking a risk and asking for what they want.
There will be people that get no points by the end of the night. Or only get less than 5 points because they did not get a flower by luck enough times or held on to a flower and refused to pass it along. These people represent those who have given up on dating.
They did not volunteer, they did not ask for love, they just waited to see if they would be lucky enough if love came to them. Just like in life, if you do not put yourself out there and go for it, you will miss out.
What I found eerie is how this really translated well to how people really are in their loves lives.
Those that did not want to take risks or ask for the flower, knowing what the game represented (something you must enforce as the host), are the same ones that will not go for it in real life.
Those that get obsessed over the most inexpensive flower, tend to be the same personality types that put too much emphasis on a past relationship and struggle to move on.
Those that get the point of the game gave away their flower each and every chance they could, understand that the issue is not the flower, or the neediness for the flower; it was about putting something out there.
And finally, what ends up happening is that the person that gives the most flowers away is also the person that gets the most flowers back, because although no one is forced to give it back, they just do, because he or she gave them “love” first.
A complex game, but a really powerful lesson if you play it correctly; but the worst part? Listening to people’s excuses after the workshop why they did not want to volunteer, ask or give up their flowers.
Just like in real life.
The ones with the least amount of love have the most excuses.
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The Charisma Game
by Frank Kermit
This is a Group Activity I created for you to practice with others.
I created this for use when I was running weekly workshops for single for dating.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
I'm a Woman, It My Time
The premise: Each person in the room will offer one compliment to every other person in the room, WITHOUT expecting a compliment in return.
When someone compliments you, you are instructed to simply say “THANK YOU”, without offering a compliment back.
There are a few different ways to do it.
For a larger group, have them walk around without saying a word, approaching as many people as they can. When they get face to face with someone, they must offer a compliment, without expecting one back, and the person being complimented must say. “THANK YOU” before saying anything else.
For smaller groups, or groups of people with limited mobility, you can have everyone sit in a circle and each person takes a turn in complimenting all the other members in the group, one by one. In this set up, allow everyone some time to write down their compliments to others in the group without having anyone share them. Smaller groups ideally have everyone wearing a name-tag (use first name or nickname)
Finally for very small groups of people who are horrendously shy, you can resort to people writing down the compliment for each person on a number of pieces of paper, then all the papers are collected and the host of the evening will pull out each one and read them out loud.
Do not use this one unless in extreme circumstances. It is a last resort method of doing it. It does not reach all of the goals needed.
The compliments can be superficial.
It can be based on a physical feature like a smile, complimenting the person’s eyes, mode of attire, or style of clothing.
If you start the group meet with the Charisma Game, most all of the compliments are going to be superficial, as most people will likely not know each other.
If you run the Charisma Game 3-4 times over the span of the group meet (which is the way is usually works best), at each start of the Charisma Game you an instruct people to compliment how the person has participated in the group meet thus far.
Finally, set a time limit. The Charisma Game is to happen for a 2-4 minute span at most with medium sized groups. You do not want the same people pairing up during the same segment of the game.
The point of The Charisma Game is:
-To teach people that going up to meet a stranger
to make that person feel good is OK to do
-To teach people strangers coming up to meet you and
attempt to make you feel good is OK to do
-To teach people how
to simply accept a
(Which some people have a hard time doing)
-To teach people that saying
and not to feel obligated to compliment
back just because
someone complimented them first
-To teach people not to expect anything back
and not be attached to an outcome when they try to
meet someone new
-To build up people’s
confidence in being able to compliment others, and
for people to have their confidence reinforced by
the compliments of others
-To give people a
chance to meet each other in the group settings
are going to be regular ongoing meetings
-To teach people that the more times you approach
the same person over the course of the workshop,
the easier it gets each time, and carry that comfort
outside the workshop space
The Definition of Charisma as I teach it, is to make a person feel good about him or her self, while at the same time present a positive impression of yourself to them.
If you can do that, then you have Charisma.
THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK
The use of compliments is how you make a person feel good. HOW you compliment a person without the pressure of expecting anything said in return is how you start to train yourself to make a favorable impression of yourself in the process.
Some of the things that would happen is that people from the workshop would get used to talking to people they liked as well as talking to people they did not like, which is a good social skill to develop.
Some of the people would approach me afterwards and tell me how difficult the first few were, but once they got used to it, they felt more comfortable as they did it more often.
Some people would take me aside and complain that everyone complimented him or her on exactly the same thing (for example, everyone complimented one person on her hairpin, and never on anything else). If this happens, it is a sign for the person to “step up” and give people something else to compliment. It is a great way for someone to learn they may not come across in the ways they thought.
Get a group of people together and try it. Good luck!
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'10 Questions people ask authors'
By: Author Lory La Selva Paduano
The mind is a mysterious place for many. I've found comfort and sheer enjoyment in the great accolades that were given to me by my readers, friends and family.
On some levels, we're all a tiny bit curious of what goes on in an artists life, a writer, novelist, author, poet, is one who creates and implements words and worlds into a book, they may never publish, but here's what happens to many that do, and I'm pretty sure most of you can relate, and my answers are strictly from experience and speaking for most of us.
1) Do you make money writing books?
Normally this isn't something you ask in the open, but it has happened to me on several occasions, and it baffled my mind a little, till I gave it some thought. My instant reaction was, ''Oh my! They did -NOT- just ask me that!" and I wouldn't dare ask them how much money they made, never!
The answers are simple, all you do in the publishing industry is totally up to the author, I felt like I was being judged and sized up to what real value I held in life and in this industry! Of course I shrugged it off and wore the biggest smile ever and answered correctly. ''I do well, but there's always room for improvement''.
2) Is that a real Job?
When natural instincts kick in, it's quite normal to have a chuckle at such a comment, it isn't to belittle anyone, it just reminds the author of all the sleepless nights we incur, the stopping by the road incidents to jot down words before we forget them, and the back pains, wrist and forearm pains we get from excessive writing, well, you get the picture... right?
Many of us put our life on hold to entertain the world, I know it's happened to me when I wrote my first series in 11 months, consisting of 15 hour days or more, some take more time with their work, but they still go through many obstacles to get the job done, and it is a real job!
3) Why aren't you ''New York's best seller''?
The million dollar question! This question doesn't baffle me at all, it's actually a great question, and I'll tell you why! Not every author wants to be a ''New York's best seller'' there are a million avenues to take if an author wants to go that route, it's a costly procedure and believe me, not everything in life is free.
Some like to remain low key and serve only their audience, and there are those who will dedicate their entire life to making that happen in short - It could literally take years before one gets there, and it doesn't mean the work isn't worthy, what makes our work invaluable is our reviews on major retailers sites.
4) Why aren't your books on the shelves?
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me this question, well, you all know... A valid question indeed! It's normal for all to inquire, and the most popular reason for this question was because many readers hang out in book stores and prefer to purchase off the shelf.
Again, it doesn't mean the book isn't shelf ''Worthy'' it sometimes has to do with book store policies, consignment agreements and all the documentation that goes with it etc. My books are on shelves already, at Chapters Indigo, Canada.
The internet is a vast paradise for shoppers, a major retailer site like Amazon, is so dependable and safe, I mean, who doesn't want items shipped to their door!
5) I want to write a book about my life! Should I?
A cool question for sure. I encounter this statement and question 9 times out of 10, really everyone wants to write a book about their life! F.Y.I - Not all books worth reading are bio's. It's not a lucrative investment unless you were some sort of celebrity before, with all due respect to all.
Writing a bio can be stressful, many emotional trauma's resurface while writing, it takes a toll on many, and the question you need to ask here is - ''Can I make them care enough to purchase''? -
If you can devote all your time on marketing yourself and are sure it's worth a shot, then by all means go for it! It won't be an easy task, so make sure you got a great marketing campaign and loads of money to make it happen.
6) Why don't you write in another genre?
Another super question here. Usually a seasoned writer will want to go that route somewhere down the line, right after they've written what their hearts desired to write in the first place. Cross genre is dangerous to those who want to be noticed in the industry. It isn't recommended especially if you've become established in your previous works.
It turns off the readers and followers and you're expected to deliver in the same category time and time again, readers get comfortable with you and dislike any changes an author makes.
7) I want to become a writer, where do I start?
All tools are readily available on line. What does this mean? It means you don't need me to tell you what your needs are best suited for, only you can decide where you want to take your skills, passion or curiosity. I can only say, if you're serious and committed you'll find a way, I'm open to answering questions of course, and as always, I do recommend searching the internet and speaking to other authors.
8) I'd like to see an extended version of your series, can you add other books to it?
I love this question, it makes my heart skip two beats! I've been asked this several times, and it's really sweet. An author is usually consumed after writing a series, I know I was, physically and mentally. If the author can't give more at the time he or she is being asked, there are probably valid reasons for it, some are open to discussing it, and some are more reserved.
It isn't without careful consideration though, many books have made huge come backs example; Harry Potter. Don't fret, the author is sometimes having trouble getting back to that place, or is usually really busy with other stories that are taking over their present mind. Anything is possible though!
9) Where can I buy your books?
(See Links in the Author Bio below)
Most Indie and self published authors are pretty much everywhere on the web! Like I said previously, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Chapters Indigo. For some, it may even be on Walmart on line, e-bay, and all other local and small online book stores you can think of.
Always punch in the authors name for the best result and narrow down your search!
10) How do I stay updated on your future works?
Most Indie and self published authors are on social media. Many of you know me here personally and professionally. You are also our fan page followers on facebook, and so many other places like Twitter also. If you aren't, now is a good time to accept invites to our pages and keep up the pace.
Hope you had a great time reading, I only wish to educate and shed some light on all we do and what it all means.
If you liked this blog, please share with friends!
Cheers - Lory.
Lory La Selva Paduano has always held a profound love for historical fiction. As an avid reader herself, she has always been inspired to tell stories in captivating settings surrounded by intriguing characters. She is the first to say she adores the genre she vividly brings to life. A mother, wife and published writer, blogger, her life's experiences inspire her to be the best she can be, whether it be in her novels, or in real life. For more information on Lory's books and upcoming work, please visit her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/KingCamden
She wrote five books to date. One is similar to Game Of Thrones (G.O.T.) to which she blogs about every week. She loves traveling, and is currently working on more books, so look out for her. When you need a Game of Thrones (G.O.T) fix out of season! She's your gal!
Check out her Books Here:
- Wonderland Series -
- Khafa The High Priestess -
- The Legacy of a Legend -
Adult Male Virgins
Break Up / Divorce
Cheating / Infidelity
Coping With Loss
Date Night Recipes
Dating First Dates
Dating Online Dating
Dating Speed Dating
Français - French
In Memory Tribute
Kink Fetish BDSM
Media / Podcasts
Q&A Frank Advice