This is a contributed post.
Confidence is key to a successful date or relationship. If you’re unable to conquer your fears, then it’s likely that your date will be less successful than you hoped. But don’t worry! Boosting your confidence can be easier than you think. There are plenty of motivational tricks that you can employ that’ll help to give you that boost of confidence you need to leave a good impression on your date.
Don’t Over Plan Your Date
Don’t prepare for your date like it’s an exam. You need to appear natural and have conversation flow naturally. Do a bit of research on your date, such as any hobbies that he or she has, their favourite movies, etc. Use that as a starting point to begin a conversation and build on top of that. When there’s no natural way to extend that line of conversation, then just switch the topic. Never drone on about a subject for more than a couple of minutes. Keep your conversations interesting!
For example, ask your date about the most recent show he or she watched. If they haven’t seen anything lately, then you could recommend a show that you like. Just don’t over do it and rant on for five minutes about how much you love it. But if they do mention something, then ask about it, be curious, and sound interested to know more.
People want to converse with someone naturally. They don’t want to feel like they’re being interviewed, but they also don’t want to have a silent date either. If you need a bit of help, check out some of these pick up lines that really work to inject a bit of fun into your date.
Looks Aren’t Everything
It’s cliche to think that your appearance means everything. If you have the heart not to judge a book by its cover, then so will your date. You don’t want to tidy up your appearance for two hours before a date—that’s a bit over the top. Imagine if you go on a follow-up date, or you start seeing each other more often, will you spend two hours every day just to replicate that appearance? Some people might go to that length, but a lot of people can appreciate your “normal” look without all the makeup and well-groomed hair.
Couples aren’t concerned about what their partner looks like in the morning when they wake up. It’s their normal appearance, and they appreciate each other for more than just looks. While you shouldn’t attend a date with ragged clothes and messy hair, you don’t need to invest loads of money into buffing up your appearance just for one day. Having the motivation to improve your appearance for the sake of your date is absolutely fine, just don’t go overboard—accept your appearance for what it is.
Stay Positive and Relax
Don’t let bad thoughts get to you. Focus on the positive, such as how fun the date might be or how great it’ll be to meet someone new. It’s difficult to relax if you’re nervous, but that unease comes from all of the negative thoughts such as “what will I do if this goes wrong?”. Banish those thoughts from your mind. Take a deep breath before heading out the door for your date, and treat it like a normal trip out to visit a friend. Sure, you need to make a good first impression, but you can achieve that by acting natural and confident.
Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit
Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken?
Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time.
For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere?
In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy.
That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again.
But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system.
Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system.
Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation.
Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down.
Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes.
Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love.
The Scripts that Keep You Single
By Frank Kermit
In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect.
Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks. Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts.
That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single.
One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them.
This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story.
What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers.
It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE. This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”.
There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging. Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful.
Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality.
Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character.
If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life.
How To Be Thankful for Broken Hearts
Be Thankful For a Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
Ok, I hate this. I really hate this part of the process. However, it is a necessary part of the process, and if I am expected to help encourage others to do it, first I have to demonstrate doing it myself. It is about being thankful for the times your heart got broken.
Before we go on, I want to make something perfectly clear. This is not about forgiveness. This is not about condoning any horrible act that someone perpetrated on you. This is not about wishing for it to happen again.
This is just a perspective to change your mindset. This is to help people focus on what they can learn from heartbreak. By focusing on what you learned, it puts you into a position where you are more aware of signs you missed the first time, so that you can limit your exposure to massive heartbreaks in the future, without having to close yourself from opportunities of love.
Ok, here I go.
I am thankful for getting stood up at my senior prom. There were lots of signs I ignored about the way I was treated by that girl leading up to that night. If it was not for that event, I may have always continued to be too trusting and in denial.
I am thankful for losing my ex-fiancé to one of my best friends. This event taught me so many lessons. One of the lessons included not talking about my problems regarding my partner with friends, when I should be discussing those with my partner.
Another lesson I learned is that even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship, and that is not enough to force a relationship to work if you are with the wrong person for you.
I am thankful for a girlfriend having cheated on me by having a threesome with a married couple. This lesson taught me about being realistic when wanting to try an open relationship with certain rules, and not taking action to ensure those rules are followed.
I am thankful for an ex-lover who got me to visit her in Vermont after we broke up on the promise of a romantic weekend, only to find out that she just wanted platonic company, so that she would not be alone, and had no interest in being romantic at all. Although the trip was not what I had hoped, it gave me an opportunity to take action when I felt disrespected, and I got up and left. It was something I previously would never have done, had I not learned lessons from previous heartbreaks.
Now, I am actually thankful that any of these things happened? Well, not exactly. I wish none of those events had taken place. These events were some of the most devastating experiences of my life when they happened, and with each one, I thought my world was crumbling around me.
However, what I must acknowledge about myself in this process is that I probably would not have learned those hard lessons any other way. It took being hurt badly, in order for me to wake up and realize the choices I was making, in terms of the people I dated, were the wrong ones.
Without the heartbreak as a motivation to change my behaviors so that I could avoid the same heartbreak again, it is more than likely that I would have continued to make the same mistakes over and over.
And for that reason, I am thankful that the lessons I learned did not have to be even more devastatingly hurtful than they were. I had the chance to smarten up before making the same mistake again, which could have had worse consequences.
With all that said there are some heartbreak stories that were not so bad, but that I was still able to learn something and be thankful for.
I am thankful for finding my very first official girlfriend. She taught me that I was lovable at a time when I struggled to love myself.
I am thankful for the women that I have connected with on my journey to understand relationships, as each one taught me how to manage different kinds of relationship structures, and that different relationship structures actually exist and can work.
I am thankful for my wife, that has thus far experienced me at my worst, stuck by me anyways and is a great mother to our magnificent son. Together, we continue to learn the true meaning of marriage and all the good and not so good challenges that marriage offers. Lots more lessons to learn here.
Inevitably, the majority of the relationships we have in our lives will end one way or another, either through break ups, or for those that last the rest of our lives, death will do us part.
Those relationships that do not end in a break up will still have their share of heartbreak. We are human, and human beings make mistakes and hurt the people we love. It is also part of the process.
However, if with each heartbreak we can grow a little more, then in time, we will also learn to love a little more, and love with less hurt.
This is a contributed post.
Got a friend tying the knot soon? You’re probably already looking forward to celebrating their last few nights of freedom! Hosting an epic bachelor party is the only way to send your friend off, and it’s best to start planning early.
Don’t just go for the traditional beer and stripper night in Vegas- it’s old and contrived! Instead, do something everyone will enjoy and remember for a long time to come. The best way to celebrate is on a trip with the guys, and there are a wealth of locations to consider.
Gambling and drinking is one way to celebrate, but it’s better to find out the groom’s interests and find something fun and unique. Find destinations with plenty of fun activities to take in. You can still relax and party later on! Here are some of the best bachelor party trip ideas you might not have considered.
Go To Barcelona
The famous city in Spain is a fantastic place to hang out all year round. Even in the midsts of winter, you can enjoy warm days on the beach with a few beers. You could even get in the water for some surfing or take a speedboat tour to the sea.
Even away from the beaches, you can find plenty of fun things to do with a group. If you’re feeling competitive, take the guys for some high-adrenaline karting. You can put your driving skills to the test at breakneck speeds. You could also try something novel like bubble football. You might even want to go bungee jumping for a real thrill!
It’s a great city for sports fans too. There’s plenty of places to play soccer, and you could also take in some beach volleyball. There’s also an opportunity to watch one of the best sports teams in the world at Camp Nou, the home of FC Barcelona.
You can get delicious food at top restaurants offering things like tapas, steak, and seafood. The nightlife is fantastic too, with plenty of bars and clubs where people of all ages can have the time of their lives.
Take On Toronto
Places like New York and Las Vegas may get most of the hype for North American bachelor parties. But if you venture further north, you can get plenty of thrills in the capital of Ontario! It’s a buzzing city full of gambling spots, but it has plenty more to offer for your bachelor trip.
You can go on a bar crawl around the best bars in Toronto. With rooftop venues, sports bars, and trendy spots, there’s plenty to try out. There are many craft pubs too, so you can sample some great ales from Canada and the rest of the world.
Away from the nightlife, you might want to check out the Hockey Hall of Fame. It’s the home of the Stanley Cup, making it a mecca for NHL fans. It also has some great exhibits and an extensive collection of hockey memorabilia.
It’s also a city full of manly activities. You can check out shooting ranges, archery, and there’s even an axe-throwing league! There’s plenty of options for accommodation. No matter how big your group, you’ll find plenty of fun things to do here.
Nothing beats spending time with your buddies in the great outdoors. Instead of partying it up for your bachelor trip, why not try out some camping? It’s an activity every guy can enjoy, especially when you bring food and booze along!
You can check out some of the best places to camp in the USA or even look further afield. No matter where you go, take a truck and pack it with plenty of camping gear. Bring enough tents for everyone- you won’t want to share! Bring the snacks and drinks along, also.
Building a campfire is a must. All you need is some matches to get it going- although you may also want some lighter fluid to help. With a camping grill, you can cook up burgers, bacon, and all kinds of other great camping foods. Of course, you could also roast marshmallows!
As an alternative to pitching tents, you might want to rent out a cabin. It can give you space for all your party to sleep. It’s much more comfortable- especially in the depths of winter! But don’t let it stop you from getting outdoors, taking in some fishing, and spending time around the campfire.
Playing drinking games and telling stories around the campfire is a great male bonding experience. But you never know what might happen on your camping bachelor trip. One bachelor party rescued a family of puppies in the woods of Tennessee!
Head To Bangkok
Bangkok is known for its crazy nightlife and wild shows on every corner. It’s definitely a city full of debauchery, but there’s much more to it that makes it an ideal bachelor party location.
One of the best things about heading to Bangkok is how cheap it is. Tourists love Thailand, and Thailand loves tourists. There are hotels everywhere with shockingly cheap prices. Many are near fantastic beaches and nightlife hotspots, so it’s perfect for your bachelor trip.
It’s also rife with cheap daytime activities. You might want to get some thrills by taking your party ziplining. You can even trek out into the wild on their guided jungle tours. It’s also a fantastic location for golfing, so you can relax with the guys and hit some holes.
It’s another city known for high temperatures year round. You’ll have plenty of fun with your friends in the hot Bangkok sun.
Hit The Road
If you can’t think of one place to go, why not go everywhere? Hit the road with your party and try out every place on the way!
There are a couple of ways you can go about it. If you have a car to accommodate the whole party, you can rent cheap accommodation everywhere you stop. But you might have more fun renting out a huge RV where everyone can sleep!
Get some road trip essentials and plan out a route. Emergency equipment and dry snacks are helpful. You could also bring a cooler for the passengers to store their drinks. No matter where you go, you’ll have a hell of a time road tripping together!
When Life S.L.A.P.s a Lesson into You
The S.L.A.P. Theory Of Life Lessons
By Frank Kermit
(this concept is discussed in my book: From Creepy To Charisma: The Art of Calibration)
Sometimes life will slap you down when it has a lesson to teach you. For some people, the slap may be a light swat, and for others the slap has to be a severe smack down. How hard life has to hit you in order for you to learn your lesson is up to you. Each time you get tapped by life, it means you have a lesson (or lessons) to learn.
If you learn your lesson and take the necessary actions to apply those lessons, you will not get tapped for it again. If you refuse to learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you, it will eventually slap you again, and the next time you get slapped, it will be worse. That is the thing about life. You will keep getting slapped harder and harder UNTIL you learn your life lesson.
In relationships, and example of life slapping you is that you keep dating the wrong person. Your first big slap could be a broken heart. You have a choice. Learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you about your choice of partner, or be doomed to repeat that mistake. If you do repeat it, the next slap will be worse than the broken heart. It could be contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection), a bad marriage, an unexpected pregnancy, a divorce, and even a child you love that you never get to see.
All nasty slaps that life hits you with, that stem from not learning a lesson very early on about choosing the right partner for you.
In my practice, I have conceived of a way to better understand the means that life uses to teach life lessons.
I call it the Frank S.L.A.P. Theory. It is an acronym that stands for a mindset to help you handle it when times can sting you bad.
S: stands for Survive. If you have survived the slap, it means you are still here to learn something about what happened to you, and it is a sign that something needs to change.
L: is all for Learn. You need to learn something in order to avoid this happening to you again. Sometimes, it is one big lesson, and other times, a number of smaller lessons. As long as you can take the good, and take the bad, learn from both and there you have the slaps of life. (10 points if you got that theme song reference!)
Do not worry if you missed one of the lessons you were supposed to pick up on, or if you think you learned the wrong lesson. If you still have a lesson to learn, life will slap you again to give you a chance to get it right when dealing with the slaps of life.
A: Apply Action. This attitude is amazing for making absolute adjustments to the way you approach the world. Without applying action for the lessons to be followed in your life, learning becomes moot and life is going to send out another slap your way.
P: represents Pass it on. Once you learn your lesson and apply action so that you change your life with respect to your lesson learned, it is time to pass on what you learned.
This does not mean to teach your lesson directly, as much as it is about being the example of how to live, to those around you. This is especially true for those people that are in the care of children, who will do what you do, more than what you say.
The Key To Figuring Out Dating
Figuring Out What You Want
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong.
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path.
Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first.
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other.
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life.
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer.
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged.
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
Spotting Red Flags Early On In Dating
Spotting Red Flags
By Frank Kermit
When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person.
There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other.
The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive.
When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries.
How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being.
Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says.
Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag.
When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist.
Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity.
If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today
This is a contributed post.
Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far.
If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left.
The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you.
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes