|
The end of a relationship can make you feel like you're out of control. Even if you're the one to initiate it, ending a relationship means that a lot of things in your life can change. You might make the decision to end the relationship, but a lot of other changes can come along with it that you don't necessarily want to plan for. You can take control at the end of a relationship, whether you initiate it, your partner does, or it's a mutual breakup. By taking a proactive and pragmatic approach, you can plan to come out stronger. That doesn't mean you have to shut away your feelings or pretend it's not affecting you. In fact, it can make it easier to face your emotions, as well as some of the practical changes. Here's how you can be proactive when your relationship is ending.  Think About Practical Issues When Making A Plan Make a Plan You can feel pretty unmoored when your relationship ends. You're used to your life being a certain way and now it's going to change. The first thing you can do to try and get control and minimize the impact of your breakup is make a plan. There are several things you might need to plan to help yourself prepare. If you're leaving together, what happens next? Is one of you moving out and if so, who? If you're moving out, where will you go? If your ex is moving out, how will you cover the bills? Thinking about practical issues like this will help you to get ready. Book Some Therapy Sessions Even if you're taking a practical and proactive approach to handling a breakup or divorce, you don't have to ignore your feelings. Pushing away your emotions isn't going to help you in the long run and it will most likely all come back to bite you eventually. If you want to be really proactive, consider booking some therapy sessions to help you process everything. It will give you space to talk about how you're feeling and what to do next. You might even find that seeing a therapist is useful for other things too and decide to continue. Get Your Legal Ducks in a Row The end of a relationship can mean dealing with legal matters, even if you're not married. If you are married, you might need to start looking for a divorce attorney to help you with the process. Not every divorce requires lawyers, but they are definitely helpful if you and your spouse can't agree on the terms of the divorce. If you're not married, you could still have legal issues surrounding child custody, shared property, or other matters that come with entangling your life with someone else's. Create a New Routine One of the most noticeable things about the end of a relationship is how your routine changes. Suddenly, someone who has been in your life is no longer there. Many things can change, from where you live to what your bedtime routine is like. Creating a new routine for yourself can help you to get back into the swing of things if you feel like you've been thrown off-kilter. You might need to find new ways to fill your evenings or build a routine that works better for you as a single person.  Build A Routine That Works Better For You As A Single Person Spend Time with Yourself Learning to be alone again can be tough if you've been in a relationship for a long time or you're a serial monogamist. Some people aren't used to being single and can struggle to be on their own. But instead of jumping straight into another relationship, it's a good idea to spend time with yourself. When you have some alone time or even allow yourself to be with friends and family more instead of looking for a new relationship, you can learn new things about yourself. You can get comfortable with being single so, even if you want a new relationship, you don't feel like you need one. Learn from Your Mistakes The end of a relationship can give you the chance to look forward to a better future. One of the things you can do is try to learn from your past mistakes before you start a new relationship. What were the things that went wrong? What did you always regret or wish was different? Avoiding the same mistakes could help you to find a relationship that's better than your last one. It can take time to process the end of a relationship, but taking action as soon as you can is a good way to come out of it a stronger person.
4 Comments
How do you meet the partner for you? Follow these dating tips to sharpen your aim to find your love match in this contributed post. We don’t often think about it or even acknowledge it because it's just normal. We don’t want to limit our choice of partner so we leave the door open to many possibilities. We go out there onto the dating scene, hoping to find someone that we can be with for the rest of our lives. But stop, don’t you think that’s casting the net our rather wide? You’re just ‘hoping’ to meet someone that you can not only like, but love? Very rarely do relationships last where you are making a choice to cope with someone that you know, deep down you don’t like. Alas, many of us have fickle hearts and we believe or hope that we can change the person more into being like us in the future. That is ridiculous, you can’t change a tiger’s stripes. We need to accept people for who they are and not try to change them just to suit us and our feelings. So how on earth do you find someone that you can love? Well, for a start you should sharpen your aim.  Sharpen Your Aim When Looking For Your Love Match Photo Credit: Randy Gon Networking circles from work That old saying of, ‘if you’re single, go ahead and mingle’ is true of many public social gatherings. We always network at work, we need to. Meeting new people from our line of work and talking about things that mean a lot to us professionally is a great way to meet a potential lover. In fact, that’s how most relationships start off. You’re at work and suddenly someone who you considered a colleague or even as part of another company, make your heart race every time you see them. Well, rather than going out on the dating scene, how about start looking for someone who does the same thing as you for a living? You’ll have much more in common immediately and lots to talk about on the first date. The tension is also less because you know what they’re talking about and you can engage with them on a deeper level.  Try Meeting Someone Who Has Some Of The Same Interests You Do Take an interest seriously Those that take their hobby seriously, will end up having to mingle with new people eventually. Especially in sports, if you take it seriously enough you’ll end up wanting better equipment and a better place to play that sport. Take archery for example. If you take it seriously enough, you’ll want to join a club. At this club there will be people who have the exact same interest and have the same issues of improvement and equipment as you do. You’ll end up meeting someone that you would like and want to become more than just friends with. However the tension is already broke because you have been around each other a lot and focus on a joint or shared goal in the sport you play. There are dating websites that are specific in their outreach such as Muslim Dating. Such tools are great for finding people that are into the same thing as you and can narrow down what kind of interests you may have in common. Instead of aiming broadly at a wild forest full of different people, why not just cut to the chase? Look for a potential partner in interests and professions that you yourself have love or like of.  TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR DATING LIFE
The Question: How do I know if he likes me? (He asked me what my weekend plans were, but didn’t ask me out. By the way I said "no plans yet...") -No Date Yet Frank Advice Answer: Dear No Date Yet, Given the current climate in society right now, he likely wants to ask you out, but is worried that you will be offended in some way. Did you communicate to him that you wanted him to ask you out? If you do want to go on a date with him, you could have said: “I have no plans. If you're free too, do you want to get together?” Did you ask him if he had plans this weekend? That would have shown him that you are interested in knowing his availability to date. It sounds like he may like you, but he wants more of a sign that you would be open to being asked out. We are at a time where the #MeToo movement is changing the way people interact with each other. Do NOT expect him to chase you! Do NOT make him have to jump through hoops to pursue you! If you do that, you will only attract the jerks who want the challenge of the "conquest", and you will be pushing away the good men who avoid women who play games. After years of coaching so many men, it is very clear that most men will NOT ask out a woman unless she gives a clear sign that she is interested AND will say yes. For the women who wish to take charge of their dating life and embrace change. Right now you can purchase the workbook for women. "I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME" -Frank, because I have to be  RELATIONSHIP AND DATING COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT  How To Be Bald And Confident |
 What Men Want And Don't Know It | In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity. This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity. An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think. |
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
Yes.
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
 Learn Social Cues so Hair Loss Will Never Stop You | In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma” I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand. So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%. |
The Emotional Needs of Men and Women Audio Set For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
Dating a Younger Woman
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
or
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Acceptance:
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
women's emotions in relationships Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
An example:
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
Why?
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
what men really want in a woman How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
 change your life in 90 days | For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help. It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers. |
| Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives. In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends! They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns). |  lose your virginity in 90 days |
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Own it.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
Remember Monty?
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
-Frank Kermit
Get Her Now
Is dating too expensive for you? Here are some money saving tips to help you reduce the cost of your dates in this contributed post.
DATING ON A BUDGET
If you are currently single, you are probably already a registered member of some dating apps and websites. Love swiping your way through Tinder and Bumble? If your thumbs have been busy on these apps, you will have already been on a few fun dates. I’m sure there’s one thing you will have noticed - dating can be very expensive!
If you are still searching for the one, and trying to keep up with seeing your friends alongside this, you will probably have a social life that is draining your finances. That’s not good for the long-term. But that’s also no reason to stop dating, especially if you are enjoying it.
Here are some great tips that can help you reduce the cost of all those dates!
Be Open And Honest
It’s really important that you are up front with your date about the fact that you need to be careful with your finances. That way, they will know not to suggest any potentially dear dates. If you get on really well, you might even want to set yourselves some monetary goals. For instance why not try and save together so that you can enjoy a really fun day out in a few months’ time?
OUTDOOR DATE
Limit Restaurant Dates
Eating out a couple of times each week will be a big drain on your bank account. So, you should try and limit these. Instead of visiting so many restaurants, you could instead offer to show off your culinary skills and cook for them at home. This will be extremely romantic and a great idea for a cozy night in.
Boost Your Pocket Money
If you are struggling for money in other aspects of your life, you might want to find the best bank to get a personal loan so that you can improve your overall financial situation. Some of this extra pocket money can go towards your dating. There are other ways you can boost your finances too. You might want to sort out through your stuff and sell what you can for instance. Or, how about getting a few extra shifts as an Uber or Deliveroo driver?
CITY DATE
Look For Happy Hours
There are ways to enjoy a night out on the cheap, of course. You just need to look for happy hours! Lots of bars and restaurants offer happy hour deals in which they serve drinks a lot cheaper than usual. These special deals are very popular with cocktail bars, so it’s a good way to enjoy a delicious tipple on a tight budget!
Use Coupon Sites
It’s also worth signing up for coupon websites, such as Groupon. These offer daily deals that are taking place in your local area. More often than not, they are deals for bars and restaurants, but you will also find some discounts on activities and day outs too.
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive if you follow these tips, so you can continue your search for your perfect partner!
What are you waiting for? Time to continue swiping!
Learn How To Play The Insta-Date Game For Events For Singles
The Insta-Date Game
by Frank Kermit
This is yet another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. This one can be fun, and take time, but very useful for very shy and reluctant singles.
To find more games for singles events
and other exercises for singles,
please check out my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
by Frank Kermit
This is yet another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. This one can be fun, and take time, but very useful for very shy and reluctant singles.
To find more games for singles events
and other exercises for singles,
please check out my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
The Insta-Date Game
Insta-Date Definition: A 10 minute conversation where the goal is for each person to learn 1 to 3 things about the other person, so that they can introduce the other person to a third person.
Ask the crowd a simple ask a question like,
"Who likes and has a (pet) ?"
Hands go up.
Pair up as many couples as you can.
They are now required to have a 10 minute Insta-date where the goal is to discover 1-3 things about the other person.
Those that did not get paired up,
are asked another simple question.
When hands go up, pair up as many couples as you can.
They start talking; they already had a topic to start them off
(the topic they already have in common).
You are the organizer and now have a choice:
Your First Choice
You can have 2 paired couple merge into a group of 4. Each man has to talk to the other man about the 1-3 things he learned about the woman he spoke to for 10 min. Each woman has to talk to the other woman about the man she spoke to for 10 min.
This -Introduction- phase should take no more than 10 min (the same amount of time as an insta-date.
At the end of the -introduction- phase, the group of 4 breaks apart into couples again with the partners swapping from who they were originally speaking too.
Now the new Insta-date couple has already been introduced by a third party and knows a little something about each other.
Repeat this system, for about 1 hour and make sure that everyone gets to insta-date someone new each time. After the hour is over you can move on to other games, or let the singles mingle.
You Second Choice
If you do not have enough people for everyone to be coupled up, then during the time that some people are insta-dating, give a workshop lesson about conversation tips for dating to the people attending.
When the original insta-daters are done and re-join the group, ask another simple question and then you pair up a number of couples and send them to a part of the event space where they can insta-date, as you give more conversational tips for dating to those that did not get paired up.
Part of this method is to give specific easy to use conversational tips for dating that the attendees can use during an insta-date.
And if at any point during the workshop, you see a potential insta-date match up, assign them to insta-date immediately and re-join the group in 10 min.
Hope you enjoy these games at your next singles event.
Insta-Date Definition: A 10 minute conversation where the goal is for each person to learn 1 to 3 things about the other person, so that they can introduce the other person to a third person.
Ask the crowd a simple ask a question like,
"Who likes and has a (pet) ?"
Hands go up.
Pair up as many couples as you can.
They are now required to have a 10 minute Insta-date where the goal is to discover 1-3 things about the other person.
Those that did not get paired up,
are asked another simple question.
When hands go up, pair up as many couples as you can.
They start talking; they already had a topic to start them off
(the topic they already have in common).
You are the organizer and now have a choice:
Your First Choice
You can have 2 paired couple merge into a group of 4. Each man has to talk to the other man about the 1-3 things he learned about the woman he spoke to for 10 min. Each woman has to talk to the other woman about the man she spoke to for 10 min.
This -Introduction- phase should take no more than 10 min (the same amount of time as an insta-date.
At the end of the -introduction- phase, the group of 4 breaks apart into couples again with the partners swapping from who they were originally speaking too.
Now the new Insta-date couple has already been introduced by a third party and knows a little something about each other.
Repeat this system, for about 1 hour and make sure that everyone gets to insta-date someone new each time. After the hour is over you can move on to other games, or let the singles mingle.
You Second Choice
If you do not have enough people for everyone to be coupled up, then during the time that some people are insta-dating, give a workshop lesson about conversation tips for dating to the people attending.
When the original insta-daters are done and re-join the group, ask another simple question and then you pair up a number of couples and send them to a part of the event space where they can insta-date, as you give more conversational tips for dating to those that did not get paired up.
Part of this method is to give specific easy to use conversational tips for dating that the attendees can use during an insta-date.
And if at any point during the workshop, you see a potential insta-date match up, assign them to insta-date immediately and re-join the group in 10 min.
Hope you enjoy these games at your next singles event.
 funny first date questions |  love coaching |  best first date stories |
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
love coaching
Learn How To Play The Ready For Love Game
Ready For Love Game
by Frank Kermit
This is another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. It is a little complicated, but it WILL make a point to the group.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
It may also make some attendees upset. That is the risk you take doing it. Seriously, some of your attendees may get very very upset. Best to do this with people you have worked with for a while, as this game will point out where people self-sabotage and not everyone likes being told how they ruin their own chances at finding love.
The premise is that you go to a florist and buy the cheapest flowers you can (in my area at the time, the cheapest were carnations). Each flower will be individually wrapped in cellophane. Ideally aim for a variety of colors, but it is not necessary.
The amount of flowers you pick up should be about 20-25% of your group capacity. So if you get 20 people coming to the workshop you need to get at least 4-5 flowers.
At the beginning of the workshop you tell them that you are going to play a game called “Ready For Love” and it requires volunteers.
You ask for the same number of volunteers as you have flowers. It cannot be someone whose friends push him or her. It has to be people independent enough to volunteer themselves. You as the host cannot ask anyone specific to step up.
When you have the number of volunteers you need stepping forward (try to have half be men, and half be women), you will make the announcement that these brave souls have taken the risks necessary to find love. Then give each of them a flower.
Tell them: The Flower is a symbol of the Love they have been given, and the love they will risk giving.
It is a symbol of how much risk someone is willing to take when it comes to dating and finding new love in his or her lives.
Each flower holder is then given a choice.
The choice is you can either
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room (regardless of gender) that you want; it is a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love in the future (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
or
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this first chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Rule: You cannot give a flower to someone that already has one.
At that point those flower holders who still hold their flowers may sit down, and those who are ready to give it away, find someone in the room to give it to.
Rule: Anyone without a flower can step forward and ASK to be given a flower when it is time for the flower holders to give a flower to someone. Make sure you assistant keeps track on who gets up to VERBALLY ASK for a flower. They have to verbalize it. Standing up is NOT enough. They have to verbally ask the group of flower holders.
Each person must find the courage within to ask individually.
They cannot ask as a group (if you need your friend to help you ask for love, you will die alone).
Each person can ONLY ask once the entire nightlong. After they used up the once, they can no longer ask for love. Everyone get this one turn including people that have had a flower already, gave it up, and have yet to ask for one again.
As the host, you MUST keep track of each flower and who first volunteered, who held it, and who gave it away, and who got it. Get an assistant to help you keep track. It will be important later. Through the course of the workshop, continue with your lesson plan and every little while, you will again ask all the flower holders to step forward and give them all the same choice:
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room you want as a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
or
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Those that hold their flowers still, sit down. People who get up and VERBALLY ASK can ask those that want to give their flowers. The flower giver must choose to give it to someone that asks or they can give it to someone that has not asked. It is their choice completely
Once the flowers have been passed on, and you have recorded who got them, and who gave them, who asked for it, if that person got it, and who has held on to the flower refusing to pass it along.
In order for this to work, you have to run this a number of times. If your workshop is 3 hours, try to get in 10 runs of the game (run two, one right after the other to see how that changes it for people). It should not be a predictable pattern (every 20 min).
Over the course of the game you will notice that some of the same people might get a flower each time they are available to get one. You will also notice that some people will not get any flowers at all, and not even ask for one, nor ever volunteer.
What you will discover next is how the entire metaphor of the Flower as being Ready For Love is just a symbol for why the people in the group are still single.
Now it is time to explain why the host (and assistants have been keeping track of who did what and how often). There are points assigned for every action taken and for every flower received.
Points:
(you do not tell the attendees that you were keeping track of points)
Each person that was the first to volunteer gets 10 points if they gave their flower away
If the first volunteer holds on to the flower during the first give away, they lose 9 points, and only get 1 point
Each time someone gives away a flower they get 5 points
Each time someone gets a flower they did not ask for, they get 1 point
Each time someone gets up to ASK for a flower, they get 10 points
If the person asking for a flower gets one, they get an extra 5 points (15 total)
If the person holds on to the flower, they do not get or lose points at all. (Zero) They stay the same.
When you tabulate the points you will find that the people who volunteered and who asked for the flowers tend to have the most points.
Those people that refused to participate could have zero points.
Then there are those in the middle.
Now for the secret...the points are meaningless (for the most part). It is not based on the number of points you have that will guarantee that you find love.
The ONLY thing that the points reflect is your willingness to be READY FOR LOVE. Just like life does not guarantee results, neither can you.
However, the people that put themselves out there the most are the ones that have the best chances for love.
The Lesson
Each point represents a chance at love. But just like in life, if you block yourself from taking chances on new opportunities for love, because you are too obsessed with the “flower” in your hand at the moment, you will not find a potential soul mate.
You need to be open to love in order to be READY FOR LOVE. THAT is the point of the game. To remind everyone to be open to meeting a potential soul mate.
Every 5 points represents the number of soul mates you will meet over the course of your lifetime.
The more you put yourself out there, the more soul mates you will meet over the course of your life. Sometimes you might get lucky that someone likes you enough to make a move on you (give you a flower without asking). If you are LUCKY enough to be attractive to others, you get a shot at collecting enough opportunities to come across a new soul mate.
That is still no guarantee it will work out.
But you have a bigger chance at meeting someone.
The people who initially volunteered as well as the people that got up and verbally asked got the highest point. They represent the ones who are willing to ask for what they want and to volunteer to
take the risk to be Ready for Love. They get 10 points (which means they have the chance of meeting two great soul mates throughout their love lives).
The people who volunteered at the beginning, but who did not give the flower away represent the people that were too attached to their first love, and closed themselves off from new opportunities for love. Thus they only get 1 point (the same amount of points that someone gets when they are just lucky). One point alone is not enough to get to them a soul mate.
Each time someone gives away a flower, that person gets 5 points. These people represent what it takes to increase your chances in your love life to meet as many soul mates as you can. You do not get love by hoarding it. You get more love by giving more love. If a person gives away a flower every time he or she gets one, by the end of the night, that person will have great chances to meet a number of soul mates in their love life. (All symbolic of course).
Each time that someone gets a flower without asking for it, they get 1 point only. They represent the people that just get lucky in their lives. 1 point is not enough, but if they are lucky enough to get 5 flowers without asking, they can achieve 5 points by the end of the workshop and earn the chance at having one soul mate in their love life.
Each time that someone asked for a flower and got it, they get a total of 15 points (10 for asking and a bonus extra 5 for actually getting one). They represent what it takes to have the BEST chances of finding real love. They have learned to ASK for what they want, and just the fact they have put themselves out there gives them high chances to meet a soul mate.
If they get a flower, whether it is because no one else was available at the moment to ask (timing does play a factor), or because there was something about the person that the flower giver liked, it means they are READY FOR LOVE in both taking a risk and asking for what they want.
There will be people that get no points by the end of the night. Or only get less than 5 points because they did not get a flower by luck enough times or held on to a flower and refused to pass it along. These people represent those who have given up on dating.
They did not volunteer, they did not ask for love, they just waited to see if they would be lucky enough if love came to them. Just like in life, if you do not put yourself out there and go for it, you will miss out.
What I found eerie is how this really translated well to how people really are in their loves lives.
Those that did not want to take risks or ask for the flower, knowing what the game represented (something you must enforce as the host), are the same ones that will not go for it in real life.
Those that get obsessed over the most inexpensive flower, tend to be the same personality types that put too much emphasis on a past relationship and struggle to move on.
Those that get the point of the game gave away their flower each and every chance they could, understand that the issue is not the flower, or the neediness for the flower; it was about putting something out there.
And finally, what ends up happening is that the person that gives the most flowers away is also the person that gets the most flowers back, because although no one is forced to give it back, they just do, because he or she gave them “love” first.
A complex game, but a really powerful lesson if you play it correctly; but the worst part? Listening to people’s excuses after the workshop why they did not want to volunteer, ask or give up their flowers.
Just like in real life.
The ones with the least amount of love have the most excuses.
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
Learn How To Play The Charisma Game for Singles
The Charisma Game
by Frank Kermit
This is a Group Activity I created for you to practice with others.
I created this for use when I was running weekly workshops for single for dating.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
The premise: Each person in the room will offer one compliment to every other person in the room, WITHOUT expecting a compliment in return.
When someone compliments you, you are instructed to simply say “THANK YOU”, without offering a compliment back.
There are a few different ways to do it.
For a larger group, have them walk around without saying a word, approaching as many people as they can. When they get face to face with someone, they must offer a compliment, without expecting one back, and the person being complimented must say. “THANK YOU” before saying anything else.
For smaller groups, or groups of people with limited mobility, you can have everyone sit in a circle and each person takes a turn in complimenting all the other members in the group, one by one. In this set up, allow everyone some time to write down their compliments to others in the group without having anyone share them. Smaller groups ideally have everyone wearing a name-tag (use first name or nickname)
Finally for very small groups of people who are horrendously shy, you can resort to people writing down the compliment for each person on a number of pieces of paper, then all the papers are collected and the host of the evening will pull out each one and read them out loud.
Do not use this one unless in extreme circumstances. It is a last resort method of doing it. It does not reach all of the goals needed.
The compliments can be superficial.
It can be based on a physical feature like a smile, complimenting the person’s eyes, mode of attire, or style of clothing.
If you start the group meet with the Charisma Game, most all of the compliments are going to be superficial, as most people will likely not know each other.
If you run the Charisma Game 3-4 times over the span of the group meet (which is the way is usually works best), at each start of the Charisma Game you an instruct people to compliment how the person has participated in the group meet thus far.
Very important to keep in mind; Instruct everyone that compliments are to remain appropriate and be non-sexual in nature. Do remember that some of the people who attend such group meetings are very socially awkward and may not know what is and is not an appropriate compliment. So offer some guidelines as to what is and is not an appropriate compliment.
Finally, set a time limit. The Charisma Game is to happen for a 2-4 minute span at most with medium sized groups. You do not want the same people pairing up during the same segment of the game.
Finally, set a time limit. The Charisma Game is to happen for a 2-4 minute span at most with medium sized groups. You do not want the same people pairing up during the same segment of the game.
The point of The Charisma Game is:
-To teach people that going up to meet a stranger
to make that person feel good is OK to do
-To teach people strangers coming up to meet you and
attempt to make you feel good is OK to do
-To teach people how
to simply accept a
compliment
(Which some people have a hard time doing)
-To teach people that saying
THANK YOU
is enough,
and not to feel obligated to compliment
back just because
someone complimented them first
-To teach people not to expect anything back
and not be attached to an outcome when they try to
meet someone new
-To build up people’s
confidence in being able to compliment others, and
for people to have their confidence reinforced by
the compliments of others
-To give people a
chance to meet each other in the group settings
are going to be regular ongoing meetings
-To teach people that the more times you approach
the same person over the course of the workshop,
the easier it gets each time, and carry that comfort
outside the workshop space
The Definition of Charisma as I teach it, is to make a person feel good about him or her self, while at the same time present a positive impression of yourself to them.
If you can do that, then you have Charisma.
THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK
The use of compliments is how you make a person feel good. HOW you compliment a person without the pressure of expecting anything said in return is how you start to train yourself to make a favorable impression of yourself in the process.
Some of the things that would happen is that people from the workshop would get used to talking to people they liked as well as talking to people they did not like, which is a good social skill to develop.
Some of the people would approach me afterwards and tell me how difficult the first few were, but once they got used to it, they felt more comfortable as they did it more often.
Some people would take me aside and complain that everyone complimented him or her on exactly the same thing (for example, everyone complimented one person on her hairpin, and never on anything else). If this happens, it is a sign for the person to “step up” and give people something else to compliment. It is a great way for someone to learn they may not come across in the ways they thought.
Get a group of people together and try it. Good luck!
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
5 relationship resolutions are discussed in this contributed post.
Many of us grow up with the notion that when we meet the right person, everything will fall into place. That life will be easy, and our relationship will be perfect. We have the unrealistic idea that the right relationship won’t take any effort, it will just work.
In reality, this is far from true. All relationships take time, effort, understanding and compromise to work. If you’ve spent 2017 focused on business or your own development and not given your relationships the time they need to grow and thrive, then it’s time to make some changes. Even if you feel like 2017 was a great year and your relationship is in a good place, you can always do more. So, let’s take a look at some relationship resolutions for 2018.
In reality, this is far from true. All relationships take time, effort, understanding and compromise to work. If you’ve spent 2017 focused on business or your own development and not given your relationships the time they need to grow and thrive, then it’s time to make some changes. Even if you feel like 2017 was a great year and your relationship is in a good place, you can always do more. So, let’s take a look at some relationship resolutions for 2018.
third wheel meme
Give Them Time
When we’re working hard or busy looking after our children, it can be easy to neglect our partners. We just assume they’ll always be there and that if we live together, we’re seeing them plenty. Even if you go to sleep together every night, wake up together every morning and eat the odd meal around the same table, it might not be enough. Promise yourself that in 2018 you will give them more time. Quality time when you sit and talk, cook a meal together, or go for a date night. Where it’s just about you two and your relationship. Do this as often as you can.
Learn to Compromise
At the beginning of a relationship, when we’re keen to impress, we compromise a lot. We want them to think we’re the right person for them, so we let things go. Then, as time goes by the art of compromise can be lost. Everytime something happens, try to remember how happy this person can make you. Is that worth losing over whatever you are fighting over, or would you be better off compromising or letting the small stuff go?
Put them First
Work, kids, social media, nights out, and hobbies are all things that we often put before our partners when we are in long-term relationships. Don’t. Sometimes say “no I’m not going to go to that event, I’m going to spend that time with you” let them see that you value them and your time together above all else.
Switch Off
One of the main problems with relationships today is that we’re all only ever giving real life half of our attention. We get home from work and spend the evening glued to a screen. Even when we’re out with our partners or families, we’re constantly checking our notifications. Make a rule that phones and tablets go away after a certain time, and don’t always take them out with you. Give your real life your full, undivided attention, and you may all enjoy it a lot more.
Try New Things
Don’t get stuck in a pattern. We all need a routine when it comes to working and the school run, but you can still try new things. Go to new places, play a new game, listen to new music, try a new meal, anything different is something shared together and gives you something to talk about.
If a relationship has come to an end this year, and you’re not happy about the decision, it doesn’t have to be the end. Make some changes and try to get your ex back, before it is too late.
Relationships are one thing in life that it’s worth looking after. Whatever state yours is in, make 2018 the year it soars.
When we’re working hard or busy looking after our children, it can be easy to neglect our partners. We just assume they’ll always be there and that if we live together, we’re seeing them plenty. Even if you go to sleep together every night, wake up together every morning and eat the odd meal around the same table, it might not be enough. Promise yourself that in 2018 you will give them more time. Quality time when you sit and talk, cook a meal together, or go for a date night. Where it’s just about you two and your relationship. Do this as often as you can.
Learn to Compromise
At the beginning of a relationship, when we’re keen to impress, we compromise a lot. We want them to think we’re the right person for them, so we let things go. Then, as time goes by the art of compromise can be lost. Everytime something happens, try to remember how happy this person can make you. Is that worth losing over whatever you are fighting over, or would you be better off compromising or letting the small stuff go?
Put them First
Work, kids, social media, nights out, and hobbies are all things that we often put before our partners when we are in long-term relationships. Don’t. Sometimes say “no I’m not going to go to that event, I’m going to spend that time with you” let them see that you value them and your time together above all else.
Switch Off
One of the main problems with relationships today is that we’re all only ever giving real life half of our attention. We get home from work and spend the evening glued to a screen. Even when we’re out with our partners or families, we’re constantly checking our notifications. Make a rule that phones and tablets go away after a certain time, and don’t always take them out with you. Give your real life your full, undivided attention, and you may all enjoy it a lot more.
Try New Things
Don’t get stuck in a pattern. We all need a routine when it comes to working and the school run, but you can still try new things. Go to new places, play a new game, listen to new music, try a new meal, anything different is something shared together and gives you something to talk about.
If a relationship has come to an end this year, and you’re not happy about the decision, it doesn’t have to be the end. Make some changes and try to get your ex back, before it is too late.
Relationships are one thing in life that it’s worth looking after. Whatever state yours is in, make 2018 the year it soars.
why dating is harder for older women part 11
trigger warning
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
I have coached older men who want to follow older dating codes of behaviors, so these types of men do exist. They would follow the same older dating codes of conduct that some older woman want to follow, but the issue lies in that she often rejects him anyway based on other reasons.
These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:
Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months. Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.
Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.
Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.
William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.
See what I mean?
In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.
Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.
Some examples of older dating codes:
Demanding Monogamy Immediately
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment. Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex. Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.
non-monogamy guide book
Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move
If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality. Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.
That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.
Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out
Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady.
To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:
Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him. She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too! Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“
Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps. That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.
If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS: Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality! You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!
Frozen In Time
In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are.
Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,
there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.
This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.
If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.
Your role in the sexual attention paradigm is shifting from young women being on the receiving end of sexual attention, to older women now having to be on the projecting end of sexual attention.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen.
A man had to Work:
-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.
-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.
-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.
-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.
-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had. He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.
A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.
No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates. The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in. Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.
For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.
You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.
The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one.
It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.
from artist Ricky Whitney
It’s Not Fair!
Older women are right when they say life is not fair.
They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.
They are correct.
It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.
It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.
That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change.
Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.
Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.
People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.
The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.
It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.
The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.
The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery.
That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.
People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.
Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.
That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.
Reason # 9
Unreasonable Expectations
Not everyone is going to be into you just because you expect they should be. It is one thing if you believe in yourself and feel you have a lot to offer. That is good self-esteem. However, if you expect that everyone should recognize it, without you having to prove it, then we are crossing over into the realm of unreasonable expectations.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series
why dating is harder for older women part 10
trigger warning
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
The issue is not that older woman have baggage. Let’s be clear, we ALL have some baggage. As reported by my client base, the issue is that older women want to share, discuss, and disseminate all of their baggage early on while dating. This turns off many older men, who have baggage of their own and do not want to hear her baggage right away, until he decides if he wants to even date her again!
The 2 issues that I hear the most from older male clients with regards to dating older women are:
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
Issue # 1
Sometimes what an older woman really needs is to have a friend who will listen to her. In the absence of a friend, she attempts to date in order to seek out that kind of friendship. However, dating to find friendship does not work.
People do not go on dates to find friends.
They go on dates to find someone to be romantic with.
If you are an older woman who is not really interested in dating, but are using the guise of dating to find friendship for companionship, it is likely you are going to get rejected a lot. You will never get either a second date, or a friendship.
dating rules
Quality older men do not want women they have to rescue.
Dating is no time for a “woe-is-me” pity party. Dating is when you showcase what you have to offer as you explore what he has to offer to you.
Dating is not a time to recruit sympathy for how life has been so unfair to you.
from artist Ricky Whitney
If you need a friend to listen to you and comfort you, but you are not interested in having someone make a pass at you on a date, do not date! Start a support group instead.
At least you will find the support you seek without having to reject someone’s unwanted advances, or be rejected by someone who wanted more than just friendship.
Do not date if all you want is friendship.
If you seek an audience instead of a relationship;
start therapy, not dating.
I am not being mean. I am very serious in that I want you to heal. You need a competent therapist, not a new boyfriend.
If you carry your core hurt into every new relationship without healing that core hurt, it will surface and ruin your chances when you do finally date a great guy.
If you have found an older man who wants to be your therapist, most likely he suffers from “The Savior Complex”, which is a whole other topic and article for another time.
Issue # 2
Some older women come across angry, negative and very bitter. They are so bitter in fact that no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, their bitter personality will leave a bad taste in the scope of the older men who have dared to date them.
It does not matter why you are bitter. That is not the issue, nor is it a puzzle for the next older man you date to solve.
It is no man’s responsibility to teach you that all men are not the same. That's not his job.
Just like it is not your job as a woman to prove to him that not all women are the same. It is up to each individual to deal with his or her own preconceived notions.
Hint:
If you already believe that all men are the same,
those are the only men you will end up with.
When you do meet a man who is different, you simply will not have the faith required to see it through and give him a chance.
A quality older man doesn’t stick around too long if he has to convince you; because he does not have too.
He knows that it is not his job,
and he has too many other options
to be too preoccupied with convincing you.
An older woman should not take her bitterness out on an older man (or any man for that matter) that she is interested in dating.
Just like the way you do not want to have to pay the price for any mistakes other women have made against the older man you may be dating.
Every older woman who is drowning in bitterness has her reasons.
*Some are bitter from unmet, unreasonable expectations. For example: She resents that she does not get the same attention from men at her current age, that she used to get when she was in her 20s.
*Some are bitter because of the way they were treated by the men they was involved with in the past.
*Some women are bitter because despite their best efforts to take care of their health, their bodies are still breaking down.
*Some are bitter because they made some bad choices. For example: She left a good man to be with a new lover, and the new lover abandoned her shortly thereafter.
*Some are bitter because they have a lot to offer; yet they struggle to find a relationship partner and do not understand why they can’t. (This is one of the reasons that prompted me to put together this article).
You have a right to your own emotions.
If you are bitter about your life, own it.
Deal with it, and process it.
However, do not take it out on men.
Men are not the reason you are in the situation you are in.
It is not because “there are no good men” out there. There are great men out there. You probably have met them. They usually come in the form of men you have rejected and put into the “friend-zone”.
Remember those nice guys?
Guys who were “too nice”, to the point you weren’t attracted to them and rejected them?
If every guy you ever dated was a “jerk”, you have to address the common element in every relationship you have ever had: You.
You are the common element in every dating dilemma you have ever had. Until you make you better; you will not have your relationships with men get better. Be accountable for your choices, and stop bashing men because you are bitter about the way your life ended up.
In conversations about dating men, or in an actual conversation with a men while on a date, your bitterness can come through with how you interpret the way the conversation is going.
If he is sharing his preferences and interests of how he hopes a relationship will develop and play out with you, and your first reaction is to immediately say something very negative, it may be coming from a very real core hurt.
For example: He mentions that he has to travel for business a few times a year. Is your first thought:
A) He is insinuating that he wants a submissive housewife that never is allowed to leave the house.
Or
B) You will ask him more about where he likes to travel and what kind of vacation the two of you could take?
If you answered “A” you are reacting with your own baggage.
THAT is an example of YOUR BAGGAGE.
If you are nursing an emotional wound, but you also do want to have a new relationship in your life, it is best that you make every effort to heal your core hurt.
When your core hurt causes you to lash out negatively, it will shut you down from hearing what people are actually saying to you, and it will completely turn away older men who would have loved to have gotten closer to you.
Do not suppress your core hurt. Face it, process it, and heal it. If all you do is suppress it with “positive talk”, your core hurt will materialize in self-sabotaging and emotionally destructive behaviors that will actually make your personality unattractive, even to someone that originally liked you.
Quality older men interpret women who male bash as a red flag.
I cannot say it any more clear than that. Gender Bashing is a red flag that will cost you a great potential candidate.
Whether veiled in humor or not, male bashing is still gender hate.
Men know when they see it; male bashing jokes, anti-dating memes, and a disdain for the male gender. Do not kid yourselves ladies.
The men on your social media acknowledge it for what it is: a sign that even if you are attractive enough for sex, you are not “serious-relationship-candidacy”.
Maybe you feel justified in your anti-male rhetoric because of what men did to you in your past.
Real quality men will not be as sympathetic.
What they will want to know is how long you stayed with those men? How often did you choose to date jerks, while rejecting the nice guys that asked you out?
Quality men will not judge you for what men did to you in the past. They will judge you on how you coped with it, and how you left it behind.
contact a love coach right now
Quality older men know that you chose to date your ex, and stay with your ex. Older men know that men generally must approach women first and make the first moves with the risk of rejection.
It is the women who choose who they end up dating.
If you are bitter because you did not know you should have chosen the nice guys that you rejected, a quality older man is not going to want to hear you complain about it now.
Men are not the reason you are miserable
and have a miserable love life.
Your inability to chose better dating candidates did that.
Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
Women do not male bash
because they remain single.
They remain single because they male bash.
Quality older men want nothing to do with your bitterness. Quality older men do not want to have to rescue you from yourself.
Quality men want a quality woman that expects as much from herself as she does from him, and focuses on what she has to offer as much as what she wants from him.
To illustrate exactly how important this is, I want to share some of my work experience with you. I work as a coach for a high-end matchmaking agency. This means I coach, among other people, older men who are millionaires. These older men are very wealthy and are looking for a serious relationship. Here is where I tend to surprise older women:
The vast majority of older men, even the millionaires, would rather enter into relationships with women their own age than with women who are younger.
Believe it or not, I can tell you from my personal experience, that over 80% of these older men WANT to date older women.
However, they are often so disappointed with how older women behave on dates, that some of them just give up trying to date older women and instead only try to date younger women.
Do you hear me?
Wealthy older men want someone they can enjoy life with for the little time they have left alive. They face the reality of their mortality and know that they are on borrowed time. An older man does not want to stick around for an older woman who holds onto her misery. He has enough of his own baggage!
What he is looking for is more joy in his life.
what to talk about on a date
I had an older male client share this story with me
that illustrates this point:
Single Steve: Things were going really well with the older woman he was dating, until one night he started getting raging texts from her! Steve had no clue what she was texting about. She accused him of cheating on her, planning to hit her, and all kinds of negative things. Later, she wrote to Steve to say that she had “kind of just lost her cool that night and lashed out at him.” She texted to him that she was “sorry”. He told her to NEVER contact him again! He was not willing to be "some punching bag for her lousy past."
It is never a man’s job to heal you
from your past hurts.
You have to heal yourself.
It is only his job to build a future with you together.
It is an unreasonable expectation to expect a quality man to tolerate your inexcusable behaviors.
what to say on a first date
Heal first. Then find love next. Do not expect a man to create joy for you. You have to learn to find joy in your own life.
If you are seeking a man to save you, the only men you will attract are men that have as much, or even more, baggage than you do!
Consider this objectively: Reverse the genders.
Would you want to date an older man drowning in his own baggage that constantly belittles women, expresses misogynistic comments, and then passes them off as crude humor?
If you met an older man who thinks all women are evil, selfish, “take-what-you-can-get-and-then-dump-them”, wouldn’t your guard be up?
If the older man that asked you out, posts memes on his social media about everything that is wrong with women, and generalizes all women as “gold-diggers”, “sperm stealing”, and “paternity fraud con-artists”, based on how all of his ex-wives lied, cheated and stole from him, would you be jumping at the bait to date him?
Of course not!
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
why dating is harder for older women part 9
trigger warning
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
And that is OK!
Believe it or not,
it is OK to be single
Some people are happier and better off when they are perpetually single. I am saying this as a Dating and Relationship Coach that some people do NOT need to be in a relationship or dating or having regular sex to be happy.
If that is the case, then why is this even a problem?
Why would being single for too long be a problem for older women?
It is only a problem if an older woman wants a serious relationship. Why? The longer a person (regardless of gender) remains single, the more challenging it is to adjust their thinking about adapting to being in a relationship again, when an opportunity finally happens.
To help me explain this, I want to share with you my experience coaching adult aged virgins.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
 adult male virgin handbook cover | |
One of the challenges they face is starting to THINK like a potential boyfriend. Seeking to be in a relationship may require a major shift in day-to-day thinking. A person who is single for a really long time, might not be open to ways of thinking that actually help in meeting people to date as well as enter into a relationship.
What does that mean?
It means, that getting into dating to seek out a relationship, especially after a very long absence (in this case, never having done it), requires a major shift in mindset.
It means being willing to disrupt your day-to-day lifestyle routine and factor in someone new into every decision you make.
Scary huh?
So an older woman faces similar challenges if she has been single for a long time.
No more being able to make a snap decision on a whim and taking a vacation at the drop of a hat. When you are in a relationship, there is someone else to consider. Someone else’s work schedule to check in with, someone else’s opinion to ask and someone else’s needs to compromise for. Really scary huh?
Wait! What if the person you are about to get serious with comes with family? Ready to bite your tongue when his parents occasionally cross the line? Ready to be a step-mom to his young kids? Ready to be a step-mom to his adult children? Ready to be step-granny to his grandchildren? Do you even like kids? Ready to give up lots of your time for weekly family dinners, graduations and birthday parties? Really-really scary huh?
Being single is not all bad. There are some good elements to it. You can come and go as you please, and you never have to factor anyone else into every decision you make. Things change when you include people in your life.
If you are not used to it,
finding yourself on the verge of a relationship
can be a very intimidating thing.
All of a sudden,
your entire way of life seems,
almost threatened,
even if the relationship
you are about to embark on is a potentially positive one.
When a person gets used to being single, it can sometimes become harder for that person to compromise. The very idea that she would have to change anything is almost unthinkable.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
That is why:
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
For example:
One of the biggest areas that single people need to be aware of that is going to keep them single, is how they cope with conflict.
How a person copes with conflict has a HUGE impact to a single person being able to transition into a
“romantic-relationship-capable-candidate”.
Some people, who have been single for a long time, are out of practice with managing intense emotions during conflicts with loved ones.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
Here are some additional examples
of some real older women clients
that I have coached.
They refused to act
like they wanted a relationship,
even though they actually did:
Single Sarah: She had gotten into the habit of spending the night at an ex’s house; not for sex, but for friendship. They remained good friends after their break up, and a couple of times a month she would go over to his place to talk, and after they would fall asleep in the same bed. Sometimes they were wearing PJs, but sometimes they were in less. When she started to see new partners, none of them stuck around when she was open about wanting to continue this friendly arrangement with her ex.
Single Shelly: She would let her male friends (mostly gay men) caress her breasts as a joke, and lick her neck during drinking games. It was “all in fun “she said, and “no big deal”. When dating, she would tell the man that she only wanted Monogamy, but that she had no intention of stopping her behaviors with her male friends, because “that’s the way it has always been” between her and her friends since college.
Single Samantha: She really liked her alone time. She had gotten into the habit of being alone on Saturdays, and using that day to catch up on all her errands. After, she would binge watch her new favorite television series. She liked her schedule kept as it was and did not want to replace her television night with a date night. Even if she was seeing a guy for a few weeks, Saturday was her “Me-Time”.
Single Stephanie: She hated cooking and cleaning, and she especially hated having to clean up after cooking. She had gotten into the habit of having her meals over the kitchen sink instead of a table because she felt that it was just more “efficient” that way. She resented cooking for her dates when she invited them over. As she was not used to sitting at a table for meals, she ended up so distracted by all the crumbs on the table and those that hit the floor during the dinner dates, that she could not focus on talking to her date.
Single Sophie: She was a very loyal, and dedicated friend to her female friends. Even when she was currently dating someone, she would still go out with her single female friends and act as the “wing woman”. She would flirt, dance, and accept drinks from the male friends of the men her girlfriends were trying to pick up. She “did not want to let her friends down” just because she was dating a new man in her life.
Single Sabrina: She has been living alone for years and loves sleeping in her big bed by herself. She is not used to rolling over and bumping into another sleeping body. She isn’t used to hearing another person breath (or snore!) while she is trying to sleep. Years ago, when she did have lovers stay the night, she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep, so started to ask her lovers to sleep on the couch after sex, so she could get sleep. After she got her pet, she would tell her lovers that they had to sleep on the couch because it was Foo-Foo’s spot to sleep next to her.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Single Sally: She values her privacy. She has friends and is socially active, but she keeps a lot of information about her life and personal preferences on a very limited “need-to-know” basis. When she is on a date and the man tries to get to know her through small talk, she sometimes gets defensive. She is not used to sharing information and that makes her feel vulnerable, even when the intent of the question is benign.
Single Sasha: She has gotten too comfortable. She hasn’t really dated in years, and enjoys only wearing comfortable, frumpy, casual clothing. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone. She doesn’t want to fix her hair, wear make up, or dress sexy. She ignores grooming tips normally associated with dating, and having a sexual relationship with a new partner. She would rather just be comfortable, and not have to try too hard.
Single Sandy: She loves a good party, and especially loves going out drinking with her girlfriends. The last time a man asked her out on a Saturday night, she told him that she might be too hung over to go out on Saturday night, because she would be out with her girlfriends on Friday. She’d let him know on if she was going to be available Saturday night. She will not change her social schedule to accommodate dating.
In all the above cases, the issue is that certain behaviors do not lend themselves to attracting quality partners. The behaviors themselves are not the issue. If you are single, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
If you remain inflexible,
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
This really shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. If you are out of habit of using any particular skill set, over time your skills will dull in that skill set. Being able to attract someone through communication and taking actions is a skills set. Being able to manage a relationship is a skill set.
Being able to behave in a way that caters to making a relationship work is a skill set. Like any skill set, if you do not employ them you lose them.
It is not like riding a bike where you let your muscle member take over. This is about how to relate to people, and how to calibrate and adjust to the person you are emotionally connected with.
This is why people who date a lot, will likely continue to date a lot.
People that are good in relationships will likely continue to end up in good relationships. People, who cannot attract another, will likely continue to be unable to attract another. People that have always been able to turn on the charm will likely continue to turn on the charm. As long as they keep their skills in practice, they will continue to get similar results.
It is not something that a person is born with.
It is a skill that can be learned.
Once learned it is necessary to repeat them over and over again until the behaviors become second nature.
Ambition and effort when not used decline because lack of use causes loss of that skill set.
The social skill set of being in a relationship can be lost if it remains unused for a lengthy period of time. That is why being single for a long time can be a major red flag in dating.
***************************************************************************************************
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
Why dating is harder for older women part 8
trigger warning
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Sometimes the reason
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!).
In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship!
Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want.
If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way.
If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it.
If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her.
Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.
learn to be charming
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries.
You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it.
Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval.
You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences.
If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you.
An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS.
Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life.
A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend.
A true friend is OK with this.
A true friend is OK with this.
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
why dating is harder for older women part 7
trigger warning
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
Is your emotional need for chemistry so important that it gets in the way of being fulfilled? Is it a way for you to escape having to be vulnerable in dating, and helps you hide behind your secret fear of intimacy? Only you can answer that for yourself.
When that feeling of butterflies in your tummy becomes more important that how a man treats you, a woman is more likely to make regrettable choices when it comes to dating and relationships.
Older women that I have coached sometimes make the mistake of confusing LUST with LOVE.
Here is a perspective; think of instant chemistry as lust. Lust is a place some couples start, and sometimes it can grow into love over time, or sometimes if fizzles out.
However, if you seek something other than lust at first sight, and learn how to create the feeling of lust with people that you do get along with better, perhaps that might be something that changes it for you.
It does take work to ignite chemistry where there is none, but if it is worthwhile for you, then it is worth the work.
In any relationship, after the “Honeymoon” phase is over, and the two of you get down to building a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your relationship, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Notice, I said friendship, not chemistry.
Chemistry will not carry you through anything,
other than maybe
make you stick around in a bad situation
until the next sexual encounter.
Does the chemistry have to be instant, or do you take the time to explore creating chemistry? If chemistry has to be instant for you, and you are refusing to put in the time to let love develop, as an older woman, you could be doing yourself a great disservice.
Love is something worthwhile.
All things worthwhile require effort. That is part of what makes them worthwhile.
Do not confuse getting attention with finding love.
Getting attention can be easier, and finding love is not.
One of the biggest struggles that older women have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Coaching Workbook For Women In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their future, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts.
When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
What I refer to in my work as our “Internal Attraction Mechanism” can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience.
Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example:
Remember that nice guy you rejected because you did not feel an attraction for him? Remember how things changed when you noticed that other women found him attractive enough to date and you started to get jealous?
Remember how that is around the time you also noticed positive aspects of him that you never noticed because you rejected him too quickly before giving him a chance?
That is one example of how chemistry can develop over time.
For those people who have experience with mental illness, do you remember how you lost interest in anything sexual with anyone, least of all your partner at the time? It had nothing to do with the other person; it only had to do with what was going on within you.
Again, chemistry is fleeting. It can be there, it can disappear, and it might appear when you least expect it.
One thing if for sure:
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
On that note, if you are currently best friends with an older man, and that older man is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor;
Say yes, and give it a chance.
Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with any new partner. Allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving relationship allows for the foundation of your relationship to also have the benefit of long nourished roots.
We all have our type. By “type” I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with.
But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to, is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, a body type or even a particular scents like a cologne that draws us in with one whiff.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the test of time.
Just for the record; if you are an older woman that refuses to put in effort to date an older man because he was not your first choice (chemistry wise), but yet complain that older men are shallow for only dating good looking younger women, you must at least be willing to face that you are exhibiting the same level of shallowness that you are raging against.
Lying to yourself will keep you single.
Does this mean that
the only way to have a successful long-term relationship
is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in?
No actually.
However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
There Are Couples
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted to, but is not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lust, for a happier and more stable life.
(Remember when I talked about
fun vs. fulfillment
earlier in the article?)
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their main partner. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed.
Finally, there are people who refuse to cheat and attempt to structure a consensual non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet, and work on having them met outside of the primary relationship. (This is currently estimated as roughly 21% of the population by two different studies).
Teaching The Rules of Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy
However for the record, most people practicing consensual non-monogamy do so because they are simply not wired to be monogamous, regardless of how good or how bad their primary relationship is.
Whether doing without, or structuring a consensual non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved.
What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control whom you are attracted to,
but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction.
It is simply a process of learning about yourself
and how to manage your relational expectations.
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
why dating is harder for older women part 6
trigger warning
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
It is called Hypergamy.
Hypergamy: (aka “marrying up”) refers to someone (usually a woman) seeking to get involved with someone else of a higher social status than herself.
What I see in my practice when coaching women, is that some women will prioritize certain traits, not because it reflects a particular value system she employs but because she seeks a man that has everything she already has, and wants the same or higher status. (e.g. If she has a summer home in Europe, she wants to find a man that already has a summer home in Europe or multiple homes more than she does.)
I have coached women who want a man that has a particular degree, because she has that same degree.
Some examples:
*If she has a Bachelor’s degree, she seeks a man that has a bachelor’s degree or higher.
*If she has a certificate from a community college, she wants the man she gets serious with, to also have a certificate from a community college or higher.
*If she makes 250K a year, she seeks a man that makes as much as she does, or higher.
This may seem like a reasonable idea, but in practice it is not.
In essence, for women who give into Hypergamy, the higher the status they acquire, the less men there are that qualify as potential dating partners.
For men, it is the opposite.
The higher the status that men acquire, the more the bounty of acceptable potential partners increases, because men do not practice Hypergamy. Men generally do not require their potential partners to have the same resources or status as they do.
For example: A millionaire male does not require that his lovers also be millionaires already. He focuses on what he wants out of dating and relationships (sex, being treated well, how she can fit into his lifestyle?) and seeks women out according to his needs. This is much in the same way an employer seeks out employees to fill particular roles in the company. They do not seek out employees who also own rival companies themselves.
This is why men generally can date from a larger pool of candidates.
A millionaire female practicing Hypergamy will only want to date a man who is as wealthy or wealthier than she is. (Which decreases the pool of potential candidates she can date).
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
- -"I cannot be attracted or even turned on by him if he makes less than 125K", says the woman who is very attractive but makes less than 40K a year at her dead end job.
- -"I refuse to date a man who works hard and steady at a blue-collar job because he is not ambitious enough", says the woman who dropped out of college and chose to work part time, instead of full time.
- -"If he cannot keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to, he does not deserve me", says the kept woman turning 35, who has never had a boyfriend or a job in her life, because none of the suitors interested in her, can match her father’s wealth that has been supporting her lavish lifestyle.
- -"There is no way I would ever date a guy with kids that I would have to also raise, with him paying alimony and child support to his ex", says the woman who is a single mother collecting child support and alimony from her ex.
- -"I refuse to go out with the guy I am being set up with, because I make 20K more a year at my job than he makes. I just can’t do that".
- -"So what if I am on disability? That doesn’t mean that I have to settle and date some guy who is also on disability! I deserve better."
Try thinking of Hypergamy as a sense of entitlement.
Hypergamy is why many high status women struggle to find a relationship. These women fail to realize that the men who can best support her high status lifestyle, are the men that have less status than she does. (That is what gives him the time to be in a supportive role).
However, when she starts employing Hypergamy she effectively eliminates those men from the bounty of potential life partners. If she is an older woman, that means she is downsizing an already reduced pool of candidates.
There may be “plenty of fish in the sea”, BUT...
if the older fishing lady seeks a fish about the same age as she is,
and if you factor in all the fish dying before she does,
and only a smaller group of the remaining fish
are going to bite at her bait,
and she further engages unreasonable criteria
in her Hypergamy
to screen out fish that swim in lower levels
than she is used to floating at,
she might as well as be fishing in a bucket!
from artist Ricky Whitney
My advice to older women who are letting their own Hypergamy get in the way, is to keep your Hypergamy in check. If you find that you simply cannot be attracted to a man who makes less money than you do, or has less education than you do, or anything else that has nothing to do with the kind of relationship partner he can be for you, then I would suggest that you complete a coaching program, or seek out therapy to work on the issues of your “Internal Attraction Mechanism”.
Ask yourself: Are you using Hypergamy to reject men as an excuse to cover up your own fear of intimacy? (It has been known to happen).
You cannot afford to waste your time on criteria that isn’t actually relevant to finding a serious relationship when you are an older woman.
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
why dating is harder for older women part 5
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Third Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
These are the men that say they are not interested in having kids, but would be open to it. They do not actually want to get a younger woman pregnant, but dating a woman young enough that he can potentially get pregnant makes him feel that he has the option of having a child.
In other cases, there are older men who are seeking relationships, and who have zero interest in having children (see my comments above regarding the vasectomy population), but who simply would rather date younger women. Sometimes it is just a matter of seeking out what he is more attracted too. Sometimes it is the fact that he has tried to date older and younger women, and he is just more compatible lifestyle-wise with a younger women (See my point later on in this article about older women carrying baggage).
Before you get angry at older men for seeking out younger women, do keep in mind that in the end, women are the ones choosing who they end up dating just as much as the men, and there is no shortage of younger women that adore, pursue and only date older men. I kid you not when I tell you there is a large amount of younger women that actively seek out older men for relationships (usually in secret), not just because of some kind of attraction (although it can happen), but also in part because of the lifestyle an older man can often afford to shower her with, that a man her own age cannot.
Just a word to all the older women who feel they lose older men to younger women.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
For that matter, there are a number of younger men and older women who enjoy each other in the “hook up” culture as well.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
Are there relationships that work out between older women and younger men?
Yes. Of course!
I would love to hear from you in the comments to help older women feel some hope in this matter, because what I tend to hear in my practice is how older women feel a loss of hope in competing with younger women, for the attention of older men. Those successful relationships do exist. When those relationships do not work out, there are just as many reasons why it does not work out for couples of all ages.
For the older men who DO seek a serious relationship with older women:
I once had a debate with a colleague regarding:
Why it seemed that there were more older men who got married after becoming a widower, and not as many older women getting married after becoming widows.
She made the argument that men needed women more, and that is why older men married more often than older women in the same age group. What she did not factor in: Because older women outnumber older men, those men who are open to having a serious relationship with older women will have a much easier time finding someone faster, and settling down again faster. Older women who simply cannot find an older man, (even if they would rather be in a relationship with an older man), have to do without.
It is not because men need women more than women need men. It has to do with basic supply and demand. The supplies of older men that seek relationships are not available to meet the demand of older women seeking older men for serious relationships.
Older men that do want a serious relationship with an older woman have a buffet-style/pick-of-the-litter options.
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
why dating is harder for older women part 4
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken.
However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again.
Did You Know A Man
On The 18 Year Plan?
Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”.
The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about.
Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children.
So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college).
If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor.
Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship.
An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be.
For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his.
This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised!
Here is another example:
Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means?
That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact.
Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces.
The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase.
If you want to attract
a quality man in the future,
act like a quality lady right now.
Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”.
It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing.
Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years).
Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it).
These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation).
By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship.
Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up.
Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her.
If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now.
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
why dating is harder for older women part 3
trigger warnings
Reason # 2 ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article.
The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex.
The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be.
The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Reason # 2: The First Factor
The First Factor:
The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny.
It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men.
Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite.
You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
Fun is NOT Fulfillment.
It never was meant to be.
It never was meant to be.
For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it.
Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying.
A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free.
See what I mean?
Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex.
Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins).
Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex.
Basically, from the time
an older man is 65,
for every 10 years that passes,
he has only about a 50% chance
of still being alive.
Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Reason # 2: The Second Factor
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
why dating is harder for older women part 2
trigger warning
Reason # 1 ....Continued....
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
Some believe it is because that by in large, the most dangerous occupations are still dominated by males. Jobs in the military, defence, police, fire fighters, sewer works, construction, and other professions that carry a high mortality rate tend to have more men than women working them. Even in a time when women and men are free to choose and compete for the same professions, men still make up the majority of workers in professions that have higher fatality rates.
Others argue more social reasons such as men abuse their own bodies more and men take more risks (insurance premiums are usually higher for men and cite this as a reason). Also some men suffering challenges may feel shame for asking for help thus more men commit suicide instead of getting help for mental illness, or succumb to untreated illnesses of all types for lack of early detection. Then there are certain social attitudes of the lives of men being de-valued. For example, we can look at such notions of saving "women and children first" (the message is men are expendable), as well as family courts tend to assign custody to the mothers, and only visitation rights to the father (men matter less) instead of a straight across the board 50-50 shared custody. If the message of a society tells men that they just aren't as important, could that factor into the shorter lifespans for men?
One of the best-documented sources of this phenomenon comes in the experience of the “Surplus Two Million Women” of Great Britain. In World War 1 (WWI), an entire generation of men went to war and never came back. (Men are expendable soldiers). This left "the Surplus Two Million" women (as they came to be known) with the challenging odds of ever getting into a serious relationship with a man. Statistically, even if every remaining young single man and young single women were paired up after the war, only 1 out of every 10 women would end up married (in a serious relationship) and have children. This is what happened when nearly 750 000 British soldiers died in WWI, and almost as many soldiers were left incapacitated. At the time (early 1900s), single parenthood was not a societal accepted option, nor was having sex outside of marriage. Thus heartbreakingly, many of those young women in there 20s, faced a life of loneliness and spinsterhood, and some even entered forbidden secret lesbian relationships for companionship.
Then there are some studies that are simply looking at genetics as the culprit. These studies suggest that the differences between male and female chromosomes may influence how the genders age differently. If this is the case, then basically it indicates that by virtue of being born male, the male children are all destined to die before all the female children born the same day (assuming there are no birth anomalies or life ending accidents over the course of a given lifespan).
Depending on the studies presented, it is estimated that women can be expected to live anywhere from 3 yrs. to 7 yrs. longer. More recent statistics show that it is now closer to 5 years.
Now, let's add to that statistic, that the median age difference between men and women that get into serious relationships is that the men are two years older than the women. That is the median age gap. Which means that because women tend to marry/get into serious relationships with men that are at least 2 yrs. older (or more), and that women outlive men of the same age, it stands to reason that more women than men will end up single again due to widowhood.
Simply put, if you are an older woman and you are looking to have a serious relationship with a man close to your own age, or older, there simply are just less men for you to choose from. The older you get, the less supply is available to reach your demand.
Here are some stats from the Canada 2016 census, and an Organizational Behavior in Health Care textbook just as an example for discussion:
General population averages see 97 men for every 100 women overall.
However:
AGE: Under 25: 105 men for every 100 women
Furthermore men die before women do which leads to:
AGES: 25-54: 99 men for every 100 women
AGES: 55-64: 92 men for every 100 women
AGES: 65-85: 70 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85-99: 54 men for every 100 women
Another stat from 2003 says:
AGES: 85+: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 99+: 19 men for every 100 women
Here are some other stats from the “2002 Journal of Women’s Health” regarding seniors and age gaps:
AGES: 65-74: 79 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 67 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 46 men for every 100 women
Among the population of nursing home residents, the gender ratios are even more dramatic:
AGES: 65-74: 75 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 24 men for every 100 women
The numbers will fluctuate slightly from consensus, surveys and studies, but the message is consistent. The older a population, the less men that are available. To really understand the significance, the number of men includes those men that are still married/unavailable for dating women, men who are not interested in women, and men with health problems that may prevent them from being able to be in a loving relationship.
Let’s do a calculation using an older male demographic:
There are 75 men for every 100 women.
Of those 75 men, we eliminate all those men who are already involved with someone, men who are too ill to be in a relationship, and men that are just not interested in being in a relationship with women.
So now, while there are technically 75 men for every 100 women, there aren’t 75 emotionally available men who are eligible for these women to even date.
Now, let’s get to the next reason.
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
why dating is harder for older women part 1
Trigger Warning
I am placing a warning at the head of this article.
This 50 page/25K word article covers and contains:
-Discussion on the effects of war, divorce, and social issues on a dating population
-Examples of gender roles, ageism and attraction
-Quoting statistics that some audiences may find disturbing
-Examples of victimization that some audiences may find disturbing
-Calling out behaviors that singles commit that correlate to remaining single
-Discussions on sex, sexually transmitted infections and consensual non-monogamy
-Human mortality and death
-Social norms that are no longer considered appropriate
-Chemistry, boundaries, compatibility, compromise and settling
Why Dating is Harder For Older Women
By Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Introduction
Recently I was at an art gallery. It was one of the few public appearances I make. At the event, I happen to run into a couple of fans of my work giving dating advice live on AM radio. These fans happen to be older women, and as the conversation progressed, they had asked for some of my thoughts about the dating challenges for older women. I promised them that I would at some point release an article about how and why dating is challenging for older women. I had already planned to produce such an article (it was on a very long list of topics I intend to cover in the future), but that conversation moved this article topic to the top of the list.
A question I am often asked by older women in the dating world is: "Where are all the good men?" Older women who are frustrated with how their love lives are virtually non-existent, are still seeking to find men to get into a relationship with, yet do not seem to be able to find men who are good enough. The truth is, there are good men out there, but as a woman gets older, she faces new challenges in dating that she never had to contend with when she was younger. In response to helping older women understand what their dating challenges are, and provide them with a solution to coping with those challenges, I have prepared this article.
I want to make it clear, that this article is not for older women who just want sex. Women, regardless of age, who simply want a sexually abundant lifestyle and live out all their sexual fantasies within the existing "hook-up" culture of anonymous casual sex have little to no problem attracting sexual attention. These women may not get the sexual attention they want from a particular subgroup of men they want, but women in general tend to have more options for random commitment-free sex than they may be aware of. That is why this article was written for older women seeking out a serious relationship with men close to her own age. Please keep this in mind as you go forward into this article.
When I started writing this article, the goal was to write an article of about 500 words, and it was intended for women who were 65+ years old. The more I wrote, and the more I researched, and the more I explored this topic, I found that this topic needed a great deal of coverage more than 500 words would allow for. I also found that women under 65 were having many of the same issues and challenges as women over 65. In fact, as I dug deeper, I can say with certain conviction that some of the women clients I have coached as young as 34 have experienced (see Reason#2 for more details), struggled with and unknowingly may have made some of the same errors as women over 65 make, without having to suffer the other real obstacles to dating that older women face.
It is in my sincere hope that this article sheds some light on a subject that I think does not get enough attention, and that in writing this article, I can at least bring some awareness to the issues involved and provide some insights and understandings towards some solutions. This article is approximately 25K words (about 50+ pages) long, and in truth, I still feel that I have only scratched the surface. I hope though that you the reader will find it a good start on your journey to be the older woman that finds connection at the end of your quest for love.
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
Sign Up With Matchmaker Natacha Noel
During this program, you’ll discover: 12-Week Group Class
Twelve 90-Minute Sessions
Some of the material covered includes:
What is Conscious Dating?
Life Purpose and Life Vision
Limiting Beliefs
Taming your Inner Critic
My Requirements, Needs and Wants
My Relationship History and Patterns
My Relationship plan
Lifetime Partner Profile
Dating Strategies
Attracting the right Partner
AND MUCH MORE
RECEIVE a 147-Page PDF to print.
It's the Program Book and it includes 18 Exercises
in English or French.
Classes are in English but participants can ask questions
in English or French.
Remember to ask about our bonuses!
Don’t waste another second getting bullied by the voices in your head. Your life and your mission are far too important for that.
Register Now.
You’ll be glad you did.
Please reply to 1-855-383-2323 to register or ask questions and my staff at Absolute Bachelor Club will take care of you.
To your Success,
Sincerely,
Natacha Noël
Founder, Certified Matchmaker and Dating Coach
Updated February 28, 2018
Why I will be single for the rest of my life
Why I Will Be Single For the Rest of my Life
Even Though it is Not my Choice
by Jackie Blue
It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age.
Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah.
I’ve experienced this myself.
People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me.
Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship.
So what have I done in the past year since I became single?
I suffered in silence.
I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many.
Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than
being single.
My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam".
He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him?
The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later.
We ended our relationship.
Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age.
Even Though it is Not my Choice
by Jackie Blue
It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age.
Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah.
I’ve experienced this myself.
People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me.
Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship.
So what have I done in the past year since I became single?
I suffered in silence.
I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many.
Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than
being single.
My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam".
He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him?
The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later.
We ended our relationship.
Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age.
Also, at that time last year,
I met Scott through a social media site.
A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night.
He became night friend.
He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him.
We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life.
We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did
was a sign
—that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once.
He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me.
Even my ex, Sam noticed it.
Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships.
I met Scott through a social media site.
A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night.
He became night friend.
He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him.
We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life.
We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did
was a sign
—that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once.
He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me.
Even my ex, Sam noticed it.
Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships.
He introduced me to his parents as well as his oldest friends from university days.
Then I stupidly told him I had feelings for him.
He said he was only interested in me as a friend
though his behavior proved otherwise at times. I now understand that Scott entering my life was nothing more than a cruel joke.
For people like me, hope is a cruel thing.
The man who possessed everything I always wanted in a man walks into my life only to walk out without a truthful explanation.
I had spent lots of money on dating sites only to have no results.
I know I am going to have to settle for less once again if I expect to be in a relationship, but no one was interested.
The smallest of bites were very short lived. None of them were my type, but again, would’ve settled.
I was given the schpiel by most of them:
They were looking for someone more:
*athletic,
*younger,
*someone with money who could afford to travel the world and partake in expensive sports and hobbies with him.
I was told I had the “wrong look” for them.
Also, the absence of a career turned them off. I am on disability benefits thanks to a group insurance from my last job. I can no longer work due to my health. Nonetheless, I was treated as if I was a welfare recipient which is frowned upon in the dating world. Particularly if you are looking for someone with beyond a high school education. I did not renew my subscriptions to those sites.
I had purchased ebooks which confirmed what I knew—finding a suitable mate while being an older woman is problematic. Someone suggested meet-up groups for singles, but there were a few issues finding a group with people my age. And the ones that existed all took cruises and trips to Mexico together. They frequent very expensive restaurants and bars.
On a fixed income, this is not possible for me.
Besides, I do not function well in groups.
I tend to feel lost and/ or like I am suffocating and I either end up zoning out or having crippling panic attacks.
I am only able to function on a one to one situation.
I am not even going to try to pretend
anymore.
Again, why would I twist myself into knots
simply to get 2nd or 3rd choice
to even look
at me?
Why would I go through the insults from men,
who are not my 1st choice,
telling me I don’t have the right look or style?
I also remember talking to men in my age group and a bit older about that whole dating scene. Mainly, I wanted to know why they were searching for women much younger than themselves? More often, why women young enough to be their daughters?
They basically told me that older women
carry too much baggage
and it was not fun for them.
Too many chips and cracks,
some had told me.
I had joined a Facebook group where people commiserated over bad experiences with dating sites and our frustration with them. Many of the women in this group were in my age bracket and many of whom, single for over 20 years. That was and still is very frightening to me. There really isn’t someone for everyone. But then, I should’ve known that was a mathematical impossibility.
Women outnumber men.
As time goes on, the loneliness gets more painful.
In that Facebook group, I had initiated a conversation thinking I must move out of the city I live in in order to find a partner. As much as I love living in the city, I knew that only rural men showed interest in me. Never city men.
I was chastised for that
saying I should learn to be a strong woman.
That is cold comfort to me.
A painful realization came.
I will never ever find another Scott.
I would have to settle for whatever I can get yet again.
However, I can’t seem to find anyone
who would even be remotely interested.
Dating is worse than a job interview. Come to think of it, I’ve had more fun at job interviews—with very bad interviewers.
So much effort just to settle.
Looking for a relationship has become synonymous with applying for a bank loan or looking for a job. You only get a loan when you prove to the loan officer you don’t really need it. You only get a job when you don’t really need one.
I’ve stopped looking as a result and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever just like those women on my facebook group.
I had also come to the realization, why must I work so hard on my image just for a man I know I am simply settling for? It is exhausting trying to impress one who would be a second or even third choice.
I won’t even find anyone who measures up to Sam.
There will never be another Scott. Why bother?
I have also come to the realization that sometimes we must pay for a mistake we made for the rest of our lives.
Separating from Sam is one such mistake I made.
Sometimes there is no second chance.
What I will not do, however, is pretend that this is fun.
Not anymore.
Frankly, I am tired of being penalized for things beyond my control.
Things like finances, poor health, not the ideal appearance as dictated by society as a whole. Not having a career. Being over 30. Exactly the opposite of what men are looking for today in any age bracket.
One only has to look to profiles on dating sites to know this.
Scott and I still talk on and off, but we have not visited each other in the last four months. Oh one can say long distance relationships don’t work but he knew I was willing to relocate. My mother and other friends just live an hour away from him.
As for him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that theory is blown out of the water. He is looking to date others now. It’s only matter of time he will find somebody to live happily ever after with, especially now that he has lost a significant amount of weight. Given he’s been single for a year and a half now, and he’s lost all that weight, it will likely be sooner rather than later before he finds somebody.
The lesson here is, especially late in life, if you’re in a relationship or married, even if the relationship is mediocre, if there are no issues of addiction and/ or violence, do all to hold it together anyway. Even if he/she cheats on you, stick around. If someone drops into your life with uncanny timing, even if he/she appears to be your ideal mate, run as fast and as far as possible away from him/her. It’s just a test of your resolve to keep a long term relationship and/or marriage together.
Please learn from my mistake.
-Jackie Blue
 Jackie Blue, writer | Author Bio Jackie Blue is a former stripper, who got a degree in Life Studies graduating from The School of Hard-Knocks. Her writing is raw, honest, confessional, comes from the heart, and although sometimes controversial and politically incorrect, her writings are always hers and always real. |
sign up for coaching for closure
Find The One Elite Podcast Show Logo
Released July 21 2017, Updated on March 1, 2018
Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the program Find The One Elite with host Antia Boyd. On this show Frank talks about The Top Emotional Needs Of Single Men & Women.
Dear Franktalks blog readers.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
Sign Up For Frank Coaching
Coaching Workbook For Her To Make The Most Of Her Time
donate now
Anniversary of the book From Friends To Lovers by Frank
Dear Friends,
I got a reminder on social media that today is the anniversary that I self published my 10th book: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man. On July 12, 2009 I self published it.
In celebration, of this 8th anniversary of this book, I present the introduction of the this book written by Will Hicks.
Enjoy!
-Frank Kermit, Author
Introduction to From Friends To Lovers
by Will Hicks
My Mother told me that it was an extreme honor when someone asks you to write an introduction or forward to their book as she was asked by one of her colleagues at work.
When Frank asked me I took it as an extreme honor because of our friendship and the caliber of person that he is.
Once Frank becomes your friend he’s there for you through thick and thin, rain or shine.
He also makes sure he stays in communication with all his friends as well as open doors for you through friends he has that may be able to help you in any way.
| I remember when I first met Frank Kermit when we were speakers at the same event held in Canada. Frank, the gracious person that he is, reached out to me first and introduced himself and with that gesture started what would be a unique life long friendship. | The Cliffs List Convention in Canada where Will Hicks and Frank Kermit Met |
| Will Hicks first appearance on Frank's show | He always kept me in the loop with everything he was doing including his radio shows, which I had the pleasure of being a part of on more than 1 occasion. |
The most memorable show for me was the New Years Eve show we did together. This was one of the funniest hours of my life.
We talked about everything from where to go, where not to go, the mindset that you need to have...etc. The show was professionally done, as is everything the man does.
| We found over the course of that hour that we had many things in common, even though we each had our own unique methodologies and delivery systems with which we conveyed our messages. In other words that show helped cement our friendship. | How To Pick Up On New Years Eve |
Sign Up For A Custom Coaching Program. We’ve shared many private moments off the air also, friends talking shop, giving advice, and trying to help out guys that need it the most. There are a lot of pretenders out and I can say not just with my own experiences but also out of the mouths of countless others that Frank Kermit is No Pretender. His body of work speaks for itself and I’m honored to be a part of that great body of work.
When Frank speaks it’s always from the heart and he’s speaking from experience. He genuinely doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes as he did or take some of the roads that he’s traveled. I’d say he generous to a fault with an infectious smile and as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Once you enter his world, Frank becomes your mentor, coach, confidant, counselor and most importantly Friend. So enjoy what’s about to happen next. There will probably be things along the way that you disagree with or don’t like but you’ll always appreciate where they’re coming from, that I can assure you. Also know that Frank Kermit wouldn’t have you do something that he wouldn’t do himself.
Will Hicks, Dating Coach
Sign Up for Coaching
Get a Real Girlfriend Now
Thank Frank By Helping Him Send His Son To School
RSS Feed
Categories
All
Adult Male Virgins
Break Up / Divorce
Cheating / Infidelity
Closure
Coaching
Communication
Confidence
Coping With Loss
Date Night Recipes
Dating
Dating First Dates
Dating Online Dating
Dating Speed Dating
Emotional Needs
Engagement Proposal
Français French
Français - French
Friends
Health & Fitness
Holidays
In Memory Tribute
Kink Fetish BDSM
LGBTQ+
Marriage
Media / Podcasts
Mental Health
Monogamy
Non Monogamy
Obese Recovery
Older Men
Older Women
Parenting
Q&A Frank Advice
Relationships
Romance
Seduction
Sex
Sex Work
Single
Swingers Lifestyle
Testimonial
Wedding
ZZZ...
Archives
October 2025
August 2025
March 2025
January 2025
July 2024
June 2024
May 2024
April 2024
March 2024
February 2024
January 2024
December 2023
November 2023
October 2023
September 2023
August 2023
June 2023
May 2023
April 2023
January 2023
October 2022
September 2022
July 2022
May 2022
March 2022
February 2022
January 2022
December 2021
November 2021
October 2021
September 2021
August 2021
July 2021
June 2021
May 2021
April 2021
March 2021
February 2021
January 2021
December 2020
November 2020
October 2020
August 2020
July 2020
June 2020
May 2020
April 2020
March 2020
February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
November 2019
October 2019
September 2019
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
April 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
ABOUT FRANK
Frank Kermit
NDG Encore Singing Chorus Administrator,
Obese Recovery Coach
Love Coach
(~30 yrs experience)
Author of over 20+ books of original content
NDG Encore Singing Chorus
****
Every Friday Night
****
Every Friday Night
Donate To The Tadpole Education Fund When You Want To THANK FRANK
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.
SIGN UP FOR COACHING NOW!
The Adult Male Virgin Program
LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY IN 90 DAYS!
YOU ARE NO LONGER A VIRGIN BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN BED. GO FROM FORGOTTEN TO UNFORGETTABLE!
Coaching For Singles Looking For Love
BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE!
BUY THE COACHING WORKBOOK FOR MEN TODAY!
THERE IS COACHING WORKBOOK FOR WOMEN. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE TODAY!
BUY DATING AND RELATIONSHIP COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT
DO YOU KNOW THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF WOMEN?
LEARN TO SPOT THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF WOMEN IN YOUR DAILY LIFE
DO YOU KNOW THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF MEN?
LEARN TO SPOT THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF MEN IN YOUR DAILY LIFE
Couples Coaching
AN EXPLORATION OF MONOGAMY & NON MONOGAMY LIFESTYLES
50 ARTICLES ON THE TOPICS OF LOVE, SEX, DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS
YOURS FREE WHEN YOU SIGN UP FOR THE E-NEWSLETTER
Coping With Loss Coaching
A FAST READ TO GET YOU OUT THERE AND DATING!
ONCE YOU GET THE DATE READ THIS TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
WHERE DO YOU GO ON YOUR DATES? READ THIS EASY GUIDE AND FIND SOMEWHERE NEW
MAKE A GREAT IMPRESSION WHEN YOU ARE SHORT ON TIME
Accountability Coach to help you reach your goals each day
STORYTELLING IS A SOCIAL SKILL YOU CAN LEARN.
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BUILD AND MANAGE YOUR SOCIAL LIFE.
LEARN THE SOCIAL CUES YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING
LISTEN HOW TO DATE A YOUNGER WOMEN AND BEAT OUT YOUR YOUNGER MALE COMPETITION!
GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE RIGHT NOW!
WHY IS SHE WITH A JERK?
IS SHE WORTH THE EFFORT YOU WANT TO MAKE TO STEAL HER FROM HIM?
FROM ALONE AND CONFUSED TO INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIP & DATING EXPERT
HOW TO USE EMOTIONAL NEEDS ANALYSIS TO MAKE MULTIPLE WOMEN FEEL UNIQUE AND SPECIAL IN AN HONEST WAY
LEARN THE ETHICS OF SEDUCTION FOR MEN AND WOMEN
FROM BORING BACHELOR PAD TO STYLISH AND SENSUAL. SIMPLE, EASY, STEPS TO TAKE TO TRANSFORM YOUR SPACE
HOW TO HAVE ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN AN NON-ALTERNATIVE SOCIETY
LEARN HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP
100 QUESTIONS THAT OTHERS WERE AFRAID TO ANSWER.
TODO LO QUE SALE DE SU BOCA ES UNA PRUEBA -EVERYTHING OUT OF HER MOUTH IS A TEST VERSION EN ESPAÑOL EBOOK
JE SUIS UN HOMME. C'EST MON JOB.- I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB VERSION FRANÇAISE EBOOK
PMC Media Production
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes
Franks Romance Formula
in her new book The Sex Bible For People Over 50.
Sex Bible for 50
NEW! The Sex Bible For People Over 50: The Complete Guide To Sexual Love For Mature Couples
High End Match Making
Leonard Irwin - Medium
