The end of a relationship can make you feel like you're out of control. Even if you're the one to initiate it, ending a relationship means that a lot of things in your life can change. You might make the decision to end the relationship, but a lot of other changes can come along with it that you don't necessarily want to plan for.
You can take control at the end of a relationship, whether you initiate it, your partner does, or it's a mutual breakup. By taking a proactive and pragmatic approach, you can plan to come out stronger. That doesn't mean you have to shut away your feelings or pretend it's not affecting you. In fact, it can make it easier to face your emotions, as well as some of the practical changes. Here's how you can be proactive when your relationship is ending.
Make a Plan
You can feel pretty unmoored when your relationship ends. You're used to your life being a certain way and now it's going to change. The first thing you can do to try and get control and minimize the impact of your breakup is make a plan. There are several things you might need to plan to help yourself prepare. If you're leaving together, what happens next? Is one of you moving out and if so, who? If you're moving out, where will you go? If your ex is moving out, how will you cover the bills? Thinking about practical issues like this will help you to get ready.
Book Some Therapy Sessions
Even if you're taking a practical and proactive approach to handling a breakup or divorce, you don't have to ignore your feelings. Pushing away your emotions isn't going to help you in the long run and it will most likely all come back to bite you eventually. If you want to be really proactive, consider booking some therapy sessions to help you process everything. It will give you space to talk about how you're feeling and what to do next. You might even find that seeing a therapist is useful for other things too and decide to continue.
Get Your Legal Ducks in a Row
The end of a relationship can mean dealing with legal matters, even if you're not married. If you are married, you might need to start looking for a divorce attorney to help you with the process. Not every divorce requires lawyers, but they are definitely helpful if you and your spouse can't agree on the terms of the divorce. If you're not married, you could still have legal issues surrounding child custody, shared property, or other matters that come with entangling your life with someone else's.
Create a New Routine
One of the most noticeable things about the end of a relationship is how your routine changes. Suddenly, someone who has been in your life is no longer there. Many things can change, from where you live to what your bedtime routine is like. Creating a new routine for yourself can help you to get back into the swing of things if you feel like you've been thrown off-kilter. You might need to find new ways to fill your evenings or build a routine that works better for you as a single person.
Spend Time with Yourself
Learning to be alone again can be tough if you've been in a relationship for a long time or you're a serial monogamist. Some people aren't used to being single and can struggle to be on their own. But instead of jumping straight into another relationship, it's a good idea to spend time with yourself. When you have some alone time or even allow yourself to be with friends and family more instead of looking for a new relationship, you can learn new things about yourself. You can get comfortable with being single so, even if you want a new relationship, you don't feel like you need one.
Learn from Your Mistakes
The end of a relationship can give you the chance to look forward to a better future. One of the things you can do is try to learn from your past mistakes before you start a new relationship. What were the things that went wrong? What did you always regret or wish was different? Avoiding the same mistakes could help you to find a relationship that's better than your last one.
It can take time to process the end of a relationship, but taking action as soon as you can is a good way to come out of it a stronger person.
How do you meet the partner for you? Follow these dating tips to sharpen your aim to find your love match in this contributed post.
We don’t often think about it or even acknowledge it because it's just normal. We don’t want to limit our choice of partner so we leave the door open to many possibilities. We go out there onto the dating scene, hoping to find someone that we can be with for the rest of our lives. But stop, don’t you think that’s casting the net our rather wide? You’re just ‘hoping’ to meet someone that you can not only like, but love? Very rarely do relationships last where you are making a choice to cope with someone that you know, deep down you don’t like. Alas, many of us have fickle hearts and we believe or hope that we can change the person more into being like us in the future. That is ridiculous, you can’t change a tiger’s stripes. We need to accept people for who they are and not try to change them just to suit us and our feelings. So how on earth do you find someone that you can love? Well, for a start you should sharpen your aim.
Photo Credit: Randy Gon
Networking circles from work
That old saying of, ‘if you’re single, go ahead and mingle’ is true of many public social gatherings. We always network at work, we need to. Meeting new people from our line of work and talking about things that mean a lot to us professionally is a great way to meet a potential lover. In fact, that’s how most relationships start off. You’re at work and suddenly someone who you considered a colleague or even as part of another company, make your heart race every time you see them. Well, rather than going out on the dating scene, how about start looking for someone who does the same thing as you for a living? You’ll have much more in common immediately and lots to talk about on the first date. The tension is also less because you know what they’re talking about and you can engage with them on a deeper level.
Take an interest seriously
Those that take their hobby seriously, will end up having to mingle with new people eventually. Especially in sports, if you take it seriously enough you’ll end up wanting better equipment and a better place to play that sport. Take archery for example. If you take it seriously enough, you’ll want to join a club. At this club there will be people who have the exact same interest and have the same issues of improvement and equipment as you do. You’ll end up meeting someone that you would like and want to become more than just friends with. However the tension is already broke because you have been around each other a lot and focus on a joint or shared goal in the sport you play. There are dating websites that are specific in their outreach such as Muslim Dating. Such tools are great for finding people that are into the same thing as you and can narrow down what kind of interests you may have in common.
Instead of aiming broadly at a wild forest full of different people, why not just cut to the chase? Look for a potential partner in interests and professions that you yourself have love or like of.
How do I know if he likes me?
(He asked me what my weekend plans were, but didn’t ask me out. By the way I said "no plans yet...")
-No Date Yet
Frank Advice Answer:
Dear No Date Yet,
Given the current climate in society right now, he likely wants to ask you out, but is worried that you will be offended in some way.
Did you communicate to him that you wanted him to ask you out?
If you do want to go on a date with him, you could have said:
“I have no plans. If you're free too, do you want to get together?”
Did you ask him if he had plans this weekend? That would have shown him that you are interested in knowing his availability to date.
It sounds like he may like you, but he wants more of a sign that you would be open to being asked out.
We are at a time where the #MeToo movement is changing the way people interact with each other. Do NOT expect him to chase you! Do NOT make him have to jump through hoops to pursue you!
If you do that, you will only attract the jerks who want the challenge of the "conquest", and you will be pushing away the good men who avoid women who play games.
After years of coaching so many men, it is very clear that most men will NOT ask out a woman unless she gives a clear sign that she is interested AND will say yes.
For the women who wish to take charge of their dating life and embrace change. Right now you can purchase the workbook for women.
"I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME"
-Frank, because I have to be
In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity.
This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity.
An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think.
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma”
I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand.
So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%.
For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help.
It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers.
Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives.
In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends!
They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns).
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
If you are currently single, you are probably already a registered member of some dating apps and websites. Love swiping your way through Tinder and Bumble? If your thumbs have been busy on these apps, you will have already been on a few fun dates. I’m sure there’s one thing you will have noticed - dating can be very expensive!
If you are still searching for the one, and trying to keep up with seeing your friends alongside this, you will probably have a social life that is draining your finances. That’s not good for the long-term. But that’s also no reason to stop dating, especially if you are enjoying it.
Here are some great tips that can help you reduce the cost of all those dates!
Be Open And Honest
It’s really important that you are up front with your date about the fact that you need to be careful with your finances. That way, they will know not to suggest any potentially dear dates. If you get on really well, you might even want to set yourselves some monetary goals. For instance why not try and save together so that you can enjoy a really fun day out in a few months’ time?
Limit Restaurant Dates
Eating out a couple of times each week will be a big drain on your bank account. So, you should try and limit these. Instead of visiting so many restaurants, you could instead offer to show off your culinary skills and cook for them at home. This will be extremely romantic and a great idea for a cozy night in.
Boost Your Pocket Money
If you are struggling for money in other aspects of your life, you might want to find the best bank to get a personal loan so that you can improve your overall financial situation. Some of this extra pocket money can go towards your dating. There are other ways you can boost your finances too. You might want to sort out through your stuff and sell what you can for instance. Or, how about getting a few extra shifts as an Uber or Deliveroo driver?
Look For Happy Hours
There are ways to enjoy a night out on the cheap, of course. You just need to look for happy hours! Lots of bars and restaurants offer happy hour deals in which they serve drinks a lot cheaper than usual. These special deals are very popular with cocktail bars, so it’s a good way to enjoy a delicious tipple on a tight budget!
Use Coupon Sites
It’s also worth signing up for coupon websites, such as Groupon. These offer daily deals that are taking place in your local area. More often than not, they are deals for bars and restaurants, but you will also find some discounts on activities and day outs too.
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive if you follow these tips, so you can continue your search for your perfect partner!
What are you waiting for? Time to continue swiping!
by Frank Kermit
This is yet another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. This one can be fun, and take time, but very useful for very shy and reluctant singles.
To find more games for singles events
and other exercises for singles,
please check out my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
I'm a Woman, It My Time
Insta-Date Definition: A 10 minute conversation where the goal is for each person to learn 1 to 3 things about the other person, so that they can introduce the other person to a third person.
Ask the crowd a simple ask a question like,
"Who likes and has a (pet) ?"
Hands go up.
Pair up as many couples as you can.
They are now required to have a 10 minute Insta-date where the goal is to discover 1-3 things about the other person.
Those that did not get paired up,
are asked another simple question.
When hands go up, pair up as many couples as you can.
They start talking; they already had a topic to start them off
(the topic they already have in common).
You are the organizer and now have a choice:
Your First Choice
You can have 2 paired couple merge into a group of 4. Each man has to talk to the other man about the 1-3 things he learned about the woman he spoke to for 10 min. Each woman has to talk to the other woman about the man she spoke to for 10 min.
This -Introduction- phase should take no more than 10 min (the same amount of time as an insta-date.
At the end of the -introduction- phase, the group of 4 breaks apart into couples again with the partners swapping from who they were originally speaking too.
Now the new Insta-date couple has already been introduced by a third party and knows a little something about each other.
Repeat this system, for about 1 hour and make sure that everyone gets to insta-date someone new each time. After the hour is over you can move on to other games, or let the singles mingle.
You Second Choice
If you do not have enough people for everyone to be coupled up, then during the time that some people are insta-dating, give a workshop lesson about conversation tips for dating to the people attending.
When the original insta-daters are done and re-join the group, ask another simple question and then you pair up a number of couples and send them to a part of the event space where they can insta-date, as you give more conversational tips for dating to those that did not get paired up.
Part of this method is to give specific easy to use conversational tips for dating that the attendees can use during an insta-date.
And if at any point during the workshop, you see a potential insta-date match up, assign them to insta-date immediately and re-join the group in 10 min.
Hope you enjoy these games at your next singles event.
Ready For Love Game
by Frank Kermit
This is another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. It is a little complicated, but it WILL make a point to the group.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
I'm a Woman, It My Time
It may also make some attendees upset. That is the risk you take doing it. Seriously, some of your attendees may get very very upset. Best to do this with people you have worked with for a while, as this game will point out where people self-sabotage and not everyone likes being told how they ruin their own chances at finding love.
The premise is that you go to a florist and buy the cheapest flowers you can (in my area at the time, the cheapest were carnations). Each flower will be individually wrapped in cellophane. Ideally aim for a variety of colors, but it is not necessary.
The amount of flowers you pick up should be about 20-25% of your group capacity. So if you get 20 people coming to the workshop you need to get at least 4-5 flowers.
At the beginning of the workshop you tell them that you are going to play a game called “Ready For Love” and it requires volunteers.
You ask for the same number of volunteers as you have flowers. It cannot be someone whose friends push him or her. It has to be people independent enough to volunteer themselves. You as the host cannot ask anyone specific to step up.
When you have the number of volunteers you need stepping forward (try to have half be men, and half be women), you will make the announcement that these brave souls have taken the risks necessary to find love. Then give each of them a flower.
Tell them: The Flower is a symbol of the Love they have been given, and the love they will risk giving.
It is a symbol of how much risk someone is willing to take when it comes to dating and finding new love in his or her lives.
Each flower holder is then given a choice.
The choice is you can either
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room (regardless of gender) that you want; it is a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love in the future (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this first chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Rule: You cannot give a flower to someone that already has one.
At that point those flower holders who still hold their flowers may sit down, and those who are ready to give it away, find someone in the room to give it to.
Rule: Anyone without a flower can step forward and ASK to be given a flower when it is time for the flower holders to give a flower to someone. Make sure you assistant keeps track on who gets up to VERBALLY ASK for a flower. They have to verbalize it. Standing up is NOT enough. They have to verbally ask the group of flower holders.
Each person must find the courage within to ask individually.
They cannot ask as a group (if you need your friend to help you ask for love, you will die alone).
Each person can ONLY ask once the entire nightlong. After they used up the once, they can no longer ask for love. Everyone get this one turn including people that have had a flower already, gave it up, and have yet to ask for one again.
As the host, you MUST keep track of each flower and who first volunteered, who held it, and who gave it away, and who got it. Get an assistant to help you keep track. It will be important later. Through the course of the workshop, continue with your lesson plan and every little while, you will again ask all the flower holders to step forward and give them all the same choice:
1-Give the flower to anyone in the room you want as a SYMBOL that you are ready for a potential opportunity at love (with no guarantee that you will ever give get it back – people cannot make “deals”)
2-Hold on to the flower as a symbol that you would rather hold on to this chance at love, not be open to new potential opportunities for love in the future (but again are not guaranteed)
Those that hold their flowers still, sit down. People who get up and VERBALLY ASK can ask those that want to give their flowers. The flower giver must choose to give it to someone that asks or they can give it to someone that has not asked. It is their choice completely
Once the flowers have been passed on, and you have recorded who got them, and who gave them, who asked for it, if that person got it, and who has held on to the flower refusing to pass it along.
In order for this to work, you have to run this a number of times. If your workshop is 3 hours, try to get in 10 runs of the game (run two, one right after the other to see how that changes it for people). It should not be a predictable pattern (every 20 min).
Over the course of the game you will notice that some of the same people might get a flower each time they are available to get one. You will also notice that some people will not get any flowers at all, and not even ask for one, nor ever volunteer.
What you will discover next is how the entire metaphor of the Flower as being Ready For Love is just a symbol for why the people in the group are still single.
Now it is time to explain why the host (and assistants have been keeping track of who did what and how often). There are points assigned for every action taken and for every flower received.
(you do not tell the attendees that you were keeping track of points)
Each person that was the first to volunteer gets 10 points if they gave their flower away
If the first volunteer holds on to the flower during the first give away, they lose 9 points, and only get 1 point
Each time someone gives away a flower they get 5 points
Each time someone gets a flower they did not ask for, they get 1 point
Each time someone gets up to ASK for a flower, they get 10 points
If the person asking for a flower gets one, they get an extra 5 points (15 total)
If the person holds on to the flower, they do not get or lose points at all. (Zero) They stay the same.
When you tabulate the points you will find that the people who volunteered and who asked for the flowers tend to have the most points.
Those people that refused to participate could have zero points.
Then there are those in the middle.
Now for the secret...the points are meaningless (for the most part). It is not based on the number of points you have that will guarantee that you find love.
The ONLY thing that the points reflect is your willingness to be READY FOR LOVE. Just like life does not guarantee results, neither can you.
However, the people that put themselves out there the most are the ones that have the best chances for love.
Each point represents a chance at love. But just like in life, if you block yourself from taking chances on new opportunities for love, because you are too obsessed with the “flower” in your hand at the moment, you will not find a potential soul mate.
You need to be open to love in order to be READY FOR LOVE. THAT is the point of the game. To remind everyone to be open to meeting a potential soul mate.
Every 5 points represents the number of soul mates you will meet over the course of your lifetime.
The more you put yourself out there, the more soul mates you will meet over the course of your life. Sometimes you might get lucky that someone likes you enough to make a move on you (give you a flower without asking). If you are LUCKY enough to be attractive to others, you get a shot at collecting enough opportunities to come across a new soul mate.
That is still no guarantee it will work out.
But you have a bigger chance at meeting someone.
The people who initially volunteered as well as the people that got up and verbally asked got the highest point. They represent the ones who are willing to ask for what they want and to volunteer to
take the risk to be Ready for Love. They get 10 points (which means they have the chance of meeting two great soul mates throughout their love lives).
The people who volunteered at the beginning, but who did not give the flower away represent the people that were too attached to their first love, and closed themselves off from new opportunities for love. Thus they only get 1 point (the same amount of points that someone gets when they are just lucky). One point alone is not enough to get to them a soul mate.
Each time someone gives away a flower, that person gets 5 points. These people represent what it takes to increase your chances in your love life to meet as many soul mates as you can. You do not get love by hoarding it. You get more love by giving more love. If a person gives away a flower every time he or she gets one, by the end of the night, that person will have great chances to meet a number of soul mates in their love life. (All symbolic of course).
Each time that someone gets a flower without asking for it, they get 1 point only. They represent the people that just get lucky in their lives. 1 point is not enough, but if they are lucky enough to get 5 flowers without asking, they can achieve 5 points by the end of the workshop and earn the chance at having one soul mate in their love life.
Each time that someone asked for a flower and got it, they get a total of 15 points (10 for asking and a bonus extra 5 for actually getting one). They represent what it takes to have the BEST chances of finding real love. They have learned to ASK for what they want, and just the fact they have put themselves out there gives them high chances to meet a soul mate.
If they get a flower, whether it is because no one else was available at the moment to ask (timing does play a factor), or because there was something about the person that the flower giver liked, it means they are READY FOR LOVE in both taking a risk and asking for what they want.
There will be people that get no points by the end of the night. Or only get less than 5 points because they did not get a flower by luck enough times or held on to a flower and refused to pass it along. These people represent those who have given up on dating.
They did not volunteer, they did not ask for love, they just waited to see if they would be lucky enough if love came to them. Just like in life, if you do not put yourself out there and go for it, you will miss out.
What I found eerie is how this really translated well to how people really are in their loves lives.
Those that did not want to take risks or ask for the flower, knowing what the game represented (something you must enforce as the host), are the same ones that will not go for it in real life.
Those that get obsessed over the most inexpensive flower, tend to be the same personality types that put too much emphasis on a past relationship and struggle to move on.
Those that get the point of the game gave away their flower each and every chance they could, understand that the issue is not the flower, or the neediness for the flower; it was about putting something out there.
And finally, what ends up happening is that the person that gives the most flowers away is also the person that gets the most flowers back, because although no one is forced to give it back, they just do, because he or she gave them “love” first.
A complex game, but a really powerful lesson if you play it correctly; but the worst part? Listening to people’s excuses after the workshop why they did not want to volunteer, ask or give up their flowers.
Just like in real life.
The ones with the least amount of love have the most excuses.
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
The Charisma Game
by Frank Kermit
This is a Group Activity I created for you to practice with others.
I created this for use when I was running weekly workshops for single for dating.
I have included it in my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
I'm a Woman, It My Time
The premise: Each person in the room will offer one compliment to every other person in the room, WITHOUT expecting a compliment in return.
When someone compliments you, you are instructed to simply say “THANK YOU”, without offering a compliment back.
There are a few different ways to do it.
For a larger group, have them walk around without saying a word, approaching as many people as they can. When they get face to face with someone, they must offer a compliment, without expecting one back, and the person being complimented must say. “THANK YOU” before saying anything else.
For smaller groups, or groups of people with limited mobility, you can have everyone sit in a circle and each person takes a turn in complimenting all the other members in the group, one by one. In this set up, allow everyone some time to write down their compliments to others in the group without having anyone share them. Smaller groups ideally have everyone wearing a name-tag (use first name or nickname)
Finally for very small groups of people who are horrendously shy, you can resort to people writing down the compliment for each person on a number of pieces of paper, then all the papers are collected and the host of the evening will pull out each one and read them out loud.
Do not use this one unless in extreme circumstances. It is a last resort method of doing it. It does not reach all of the goals needed.
The compliments can be superficial.
It can be based on a physical feature like a smile, complimenting the person’s eyes, mode of attire, or style of clothing.
If you start the group meet with the Charisma Game, most all of the compliments are going to be superficial, as most people will likely not know each other.
If you run the Charisma Game 3-4 times over the span of the group meet (which is the way is usually works best), at each start of the Charisma Game you an instruct people to compliment how the person has participated in the group meet thus far.
Finally, set a time limit. The Charisma Game is to happen for a 2-4 minute span at most with medium sized groups. You do not want the same people pairing up during the same segment of the game.
The point of The Charisma Game is:
-To teach people that going up to meet a stranger
to make that person feel good is OK to do
-To teach people strangers coming up to meet you and
attempt to make you feel good is OK to do
-To teach people how
to simply accept a
(Which some people have a hard time doing)
-To teach people that saying
and not to feel obligated to compliment
back just because
someone complimented them first
-To teach people not to expect anything back
and not be attached to an outcome when they try to
meet someone new
-To build up people’s
confidence in being able to compliment others, and
for people to have their confidence reinforced by
the compliments of others
-To give people a
chance to meet each other in the group settings
are going to be regular ongoing meetings
-To teach people that the more times you approach
the same person over the course of the workshop,
the easier it gets each time, and carry that comfort
outside the workshop space
The Definition of Charisma as I teach it, is to make a person feel good about him or her self, while at the same time present a positive impression of yourself to them.
If you can do that, then you have Charisma.
THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK
The use of compliments is how you make a person feel good. HOW you compliment a person without the pressure of expecting anything said in return is how you start to train yourself to make a favorable impression of yourself in the process.
Some of the things that would happen is that people from the workshop would get used to talking to people they liked as well as talking to people they did not like, which is a good social skill to develop.
Some of the people would approach me afterwards and tell me how difficult the first few were, but once they got used to it, they felt more comfortable as they did it more often.
Some people would take me aside and complain that everyone complimented him or her on exactly the same thing (for example, everyone complimented one person on her hairpin, and never on anything else). If this happens, it is a sign for the person to “step up” and give people something else to compliment. It is a great way for someone to learn they may not come across in the ways they thought.
Get a group of people together and try it. Good luck!
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
In reality, this is far from true. All relationships take time, effort, understanding and compromise to work. If you’ve spent 2017 focused on business or your own development and not given your relationships the time they need to grow and thrive, then it’s time to make some changes. Even if you feel like 2017 was a great year and your relationship is in a good place, you can always do more. So, let’s take a look at some relationship resolutions for 2018.
When we’re working hard or busy looking after our children, it can be easy to neglect our partners. We just assume they’ll always be there and that if we live together, we’re seeing them plenty. Even if you go to sleep together every night, wake up together every morning and eat the odd meal around the same table, it might not be enough. Promise yourself that in 2018 you will give them more time. Quality time when you sit and talk, cook a meal together, or go for a date night. Where it’s just about you two and your relationship. Do this as often as you can.
Learn to Compromise
At the beginning of a relationship, when we’re keen to impress, we compromise a lot. We want them to think we’re the right person for them, so we let things go. Then, as time goes by the art of compromise can be lost. Everytime something happens, try to remember how happy this person can make you. Is that worth losing over whatever you are fighting over, or would you be better off compromising or letting the small stuff go?
Put them First
Work, kids, social media, nights out, and hobbies are all things that we often put before our partners when we are in long-term relationships. Don’t. Sometimes say “no I’m not going to go to that event, I’m going to spend that time with you” let them see that you value them and your time together above all else.
One of the main problems with relationships today is that we’re all only ever giving real life half of our attention. We get home from work and spend the evening glued to a screen. Even when we’re out with our partners or families, we’re constantly checking our notifications. Make a rule that phones and tablets go away after a certain time, and don’t always take them out with you. Give your real life your full, undivided attention, and you may all enjoy it a lot more.
Try New Things
Don’t get stuck in a pattern. We all need a routine when it comes to working and the school run, but you can still try new things. Go to new places, play a new game, listen to new music, try a new meal, anything different is something shared together and gives you something to talk about.
If a relationship has come to an end this year, and you’re not happy about the decision, it doesn’t have to be the end. Make some changes and try to get your ex back, before it is too late.
Relationships are one thing in life that it’s worth looking after. Whatever state yours is in, make 2018 the year it soars.
Reason # 8
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:
Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months. Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.
Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.
Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.
William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.
See what I mean?
In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.
Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.
Some examples of older dating codes:
Demanding Monogamy Immediately
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment. Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex. Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.
Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move
If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality. Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.
That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.
Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out
Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady.
To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:
Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him. She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too! Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“
Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps. That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.
If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS: Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality! You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!
Frozen In Time
In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are.
Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,
there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.
This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.
If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen.
A man had to Work:
-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.
-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.
-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.
-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.
-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had. He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.
A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.
No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates. The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in. Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.
For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.
You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.
The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one.
It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.
It’s Not Fair!
Older women are right when they say life is not fair.
They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.
They are correct.
It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.
It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.
That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change.
Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.
Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.
People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.
The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.
It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.
The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.
The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery.
That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.
People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.
Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.
That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.
Reason # 9
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series
Adult Male Virgins
Break Up / Divorce
Cheating / Infidelity
Coping With Loss
Date Night Recipes
Dating First Dates
Dating Online Dating
Dating Speed Dating
Français - French
Health & Fitness
In Memory Tribute
Kink Fetish BDSM
Media / Podcasts
Q&A Frank Advice