 Frank Kermit on CJLO.com radio 1690 AM Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on the radio program Dr. Lizard and Deer Abby to talk about Online Dating and the Dating App Hater Dater on http://www.CJLO.com (Tune in Live Online) CJLO 1690 AM radio Date: Wednesday July 26 Topic: Online Dating Updated on March 1, 2018
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4 Communication tips for couples are highlighted in this contributed post. A rocky patch in your relationship can cause distress to both sides. It can affect your work, your social life, and your family life too, especially if there are children involved. While it may feel like your relationship is coming to an end, ups and downs are very common in relationships, and you may be able to work through your issues to make it out the other end happier and more content. Take a look at some of the solutions below that could help you both work through your issues to get your relationship back on track.  holding hands https://tinyurl.com/y8bucma2 Talk
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. However, this is one element that many people struggle with, and it’s poor communication that can ruin a relationship. Talking through your issues is difficult, but if you can do so in a way that is non-argumentative and simply expresses how both sides feel, you may find that there is an easier solution to your problems than you realize. Take some time to really talk to each other about the things that have been bothering you for a much healthier relationship where both sides feel heard. Counselling You may not really know much about couples counselling, or feel that it is not for you, but it is something that helps thousands of couples each day to enjoy healthier, more honest relationships. Whether you have problems communicating with each other, you suffer from sexual intimacy issues or anything else that may be causing your rough patch; couples counselling could be the thing that brings you both together again in a safe and open space. Get away from it all Sometimes it’s outside factors that cause our relationships to suffer. If work is affecting your relationship for example, or even one person having a much more active social life than the other, then a vacation could be just what the two of you need. Putting physical distance between the issue and your relationship could be beneficial, and a vacation will give you both the chance to relax without distractions to leave you both feeling much happier when you return. A vacation will also help you establish some perspective so that when you return, you can find ways to manage your workload better or prioritize your relationship over late nights with friends to help you refocus on your relationship. Spend more time together Sometimes the issue can be that you’re just not spending time together. It can be difficult if your schedules clash, or you’re in a long-distance relationship, but these are issues that can be resolved by spending more quality time together. Try to spend time together, enjoying date nights that are free from distractions (that means keeping your phones away!), that let you both catch up on how you’re doing and enjoy each other’s company. Relationship issues can be difficult, but for many people, they are a phase that will disappear with a bit of work. It’s important to remember that love is not a power play, so it’s important to treat your partner as an equal and ensure that they do the same in return. It’s difficult to deal with issues, but tackling them head on will benefit your relationship and make you both stronger for it.  10 Tips for Online Dating by Frank Kermit 10 Online Dating Tips By Frank Kermit Online (Cyber) dating can be challenging. Dating unto itself is a challenge. Meeting someone new that you have to get to know. Allowing them to get to know you. Finding out where you are, and are not compatible. It is not always a fun process for some people. Add to that mix having to meet through technology, where a person’s interpretations of communication get muddled, and dating can sometimes be unpleasant. I could write a book of advice on online dating, and I likely will one day. In the meanwhile, here are some quick tips for online dating that I share with my coaching clients to keep online dating as positive as possible.
There are many people that just like the attention that being on online dating sites affords them, and they have no actual interest in ever dating someone, so by following this tip you avoid having weeks (or months) of your time wasted by someone that never actually wants to date you. (Yes, attention mongers lurk on online dating sites). Also, there are stories of people posing as the opposite gender online that are either just having fun, or doing research on online dating practices. There are fake profiles designed to get people to sign up to online dating sites, but who have marketing teams behind them, not an actual interested person. In fact there are some dating services that will communicate on behalf of a client to arrange a date, so unless you see the person face to face to match up the voice with the face, it is possible that you are not even talking with the person you think wants to date you.  Live In A Way To Avoid Catfish Tip # 2 Never Send Anyone Money This may seem obvious, however it is important to keep in mind that professional “catfish” are very well trained and skilled in the art of manipulation. They fester online trying to get someone attached to an online dating profile. By using attractive profile pictures, and carefully worded texts in the profile description and other written communication (emails/texts), they achieve their goals to make their targets feel an emotional attachment. And when they feel the attachment is strong enough, they create a “crisis” moment where they require you to send them money to help them out. At that point, they have been actively studying every bit of your communication to see what kind of crisis you would most likely respond too. For example, if you mentioned that you suffered a death of someone close to you (death of a spouse or sibling), a crisis you may be presented with could be the person saying someone close to him or her has died, and they need money for the funeral or to pay off the dead person’s debts in order to claim the body. There is a very real science behind what these “catfish” manipulators use in order to properly target vulnerable people to get them attached to the person they THINK is on the other end of that profile. No matter the crisis, never send anyone money during “an online relationship.” BTW, this also means never send someone your credit card number, regardless of the reasons they state (such as, “prove you are a real person, send me your credit card number so I can check”), no electronic payment services, no loans, no investment opportunities, no gift cards…you hopefully get the idea. Note: The origin of the term “catfish” comes from the movie Catfish (2010). It is a story about a man named Nev Schulman who travels to America to meet a young woman that he fell in love with over social media, only to meet her in person and to find out she is older and married and nothing like her online profile. In the movie, the husband tells the story of how catfish were put in with the live codfish for long oversea travels in order to keep the cod fish swimming and moving, so that codfish would be a better quality meat. The catfish would nip the tails the codfish and keep the codfish active. The deceptive wife in the movie is compared to the catfish because her life would be dull and boring (like unhealthy codfish meat), if she did not have someone “nipping at her tail fin”.  Know if You are In A Relationship Tip # 3 It Is Not a Relationship Until You Meet In Person This is a tip that some of my coaching clients have found very upsetting. The idea that if you are interacting through texts, emails, phone calls, and even face to face technologies (ie. skype, facetime, etc…) it is still not considered a relationship. Sometimes the chemistry and connection that people feel through technology can make people believe that what they are experiencing is a real relationship. The feelings may be real, but the relationship is not (ok, go back and read that line again, as I know some of you may have to ponder that one a bit). Just because you feel something for someone, does not make what you have with that person a committed relationship. Relationships come with commitment (such as the expectation of not talking to anyone else online), but commitments are to be earned, not expected. It is unreasonable to assume anything has been earned when you have yet to meet a person face to face in the real world. (There is a lot more I could say on this topic, however it is best that we table this for now and move on to the next tip).  Learn HOW To Say It On a First Date Tip # 4 Keep Your Own Online Dating Profile Honest The new buzzword in online dating is “Kitten Fish”. The term means to make yourself out online to be very different from how you actually are in real life. The biggest culprit of “Kitten Fishing” is using good photos of yourself from the past that do not at all match how you look at the moment. It is important to present your best self in an online profile, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself. Be honest in your profile. If you are only interested in casual dating, do not say you are looking for something serious because you think it makes you look like a better person. If you work in the mailroom of a prestigious company, do not try to pass yourself off as a partner in the business. If you have taken less than a handful of night courses at the local college or university, do not try to pass yourself off as a graduate. Kitten Fishing might get your more attention, even a few first dates that end quickly, but only someone Kitten Fishing as much as you did MIGHT want to give a second chance, but honestly, would you want to date a kitten fish yourself? Right. (Remember my point earlier about attention mongers who lurk online?)  Know Your Boundaries Tip # 5 Focus on Your Boundaries (Must Haves), Not Preferences One of the best ways to approach online dating is to use it as an efficient filter. Let’s say you normally have to go on about 9 lousy or semi-decent first dates in order to find a 10th person that you would actually like to have a second date with. (Don’t let the numbers scare you OK? Just play along). There are reasons those 9 first dates did not work out. What makes online dating profiles so efficient is that you can communicate all of your “Must Haves” (your boundaries) that you are looking for in someone that you would like to date more than once, and because of that eliminate having to experience those 9 actual dates, and just focus on every 10th date. If you take this approach, you will likely get less attention, but the attention do you get will be quality. (Remember what I said about attention mongers?) Preferences are things that you would like your date to have, but they are not necessary. If they are not necessary DO NOT LIST THEM. People reading your online profiles might mistake your preferences, as must-haves and might reject you before you ever get the chance to meet them in person. For example, if you have lung issues and cannot date a smoker, say so because it is a boundary. If you would prefer not to date a smoker but you wouldn’t mind it too much either, then do not mention it at all.  Sex Guide For Male Virgins Tip # 6 Know Your Sex-On-A-Date Rules I am often asked if someone should have sex on a first date when meeting online. My answer is it depends if you are already comfortable having sex after any first date. No judgments here. The key to sex and online dating is about finding someone that has compatible sexual values as you do. If you are comfortable with sex on a first date and the person you have sex with judges you for it, it is disappointing, but you probably would not want to keep dating that person anyway. If you are not comfortable with sex on first dates, communicate that, and PLEASE stick to your rules about sex whatever they may be. If you want someone to question whether or not they can trust you for things to get more serious, start breaking your own rules on a date like having sex when you initially said you were not going too. In fact, one of the most hypocritical things you can do is have rules about not having sex on a first date, when you already regularly take part in anonymous one-night stands. If you do connect with someone and date them for any length of time, you will likely share with them your values when it comes to sex (and how quickly you engage in sexual activity). If you behave in a way that is counter your actual sexual values when first dating, at best you might come across as manipulative. At worse, you could attract and end up in a relationship with someone that has the opposite sexual values you do. Can you say, “Things are likely to end badly here”?  Stop Being Creepy And Not Know It Tip # 7 Look for Contradictions In the Profile of Others When looking at the online profiles of others, something I coach my clients to do is to be on the look out for contradictions within an online dating profile. Those contradictions can be very telling about the kind of person you might end up dating and can help you decide if you should even bother. If one part of the profile contradicts another part of the profile, it is a warning sign. For example, if someone writes in their profile their family (their kids) is very important to them, but when it comes to listing 5 things they cannot live without, they do not list their kids in those top 5, that could be a warning sign. If someone talks about how easy going they are, but then talks about how they have rules about how a first date needs to happen in a fancy restaurant with certain high-end criteria, that could be a warning sign. If someone describes themselves as open-minded, but goes on in the profile about the kinds of people they hate, that could be a warning sign. Some profiles are so filled with contradictions (“I like to go out a lot but I also like to stay home”) that it makes a person wonder if you are dealing with a people pleaser, or someone that is so afraid to be honest about what they want, that they play it too safe by being on the fence. Just keep in mind that contradictions could be a big warning and at the very least are conversation topics to be covered on a first date if you make it that far.  Be A Man, Be Proud Tip # 8 Use A Decent Photo A good photo can change how much attention your online profile will get. I was presented with a study by a match making site that describes which profile photos get the most attention to your profile. Women may be encouraged to smile more, look happy, and show cleavage. Men may be encouraged display their pride (stand tall, chest out, appear confident), regardless of how happy they looked. Both may be encouraged include photos of them having fun, and having a profile shot focusing on the left side. That is what the data shows. However, the main thing is to use a CURRENT photo (see the tip on Kitten Fish above). My personal suggestion is not to use photos with your ex (still not over it eh?) no matter how hot your ex was, and not to use professionally photographed or touched-up portraits. Yes, you want to be your best online self, but the dating world wants your best-realistic self too. Also, if you use a photo that is slightly less flattering than your actual looking self, then when someone wants to meet you, it makes the first meeting much more of a pleasant surprise. Nice way to start a date.  Be A Better Date, Attract A Better Date, Get Coaching Tip # 9 Be Realistic About Who You Can Attract One of the biggest misconceptions I have to dispel amongst my client base is how some of them assume that just because they are going to try online dating that they can now raise their standards ridiculously higher. It is good to have standards (see my tip above about boundaries). However, having very high standards when dating online does not matter if you would not be able to attract such a person in real life. This is not about fulfilling your unmet fantasy. This is about finding a real person, who is a real human being, with some of the good qualities a human being can have, and having some of the not-so good qualities that a human being can struggle with. If you are holding out for perfection, you will be just as lonely dating online as you currently are dating in real life. And if you legitimately do want to find a better partner for yourself, the best place to start is to work on yourself to become a better dating candidate partner first. There are times where I have coached people for 3 months before they attempt another date, so that when they do get that next first date, the challenge isn’t trying to get a great person to like you; the mission is about you getting to screen how great the other person is that you like. See the difference? Tip # 10 Learn To Love Online Dating The worst thing you can do is approach online dating with a terrible attitude about it. It will come through in your communication (from your profile, choice of photos, texts, emails and if you make it far enough phone calls and first dates). People, who seek out to sabotage themselves in online dating, will kill every chance they get to meet someone who is a decent candidate. They are the easiest for manipulators to target online. Those with negative attitudes tend to fall for the fake profiles the most, because fake profiles promise the impossible: an ideal fantasy of the perfect match. It is not enough to be willing to try online dating. You have to take pride in the fact that you are putting yourself out there. You have to be proud that you want to date. Yes, it means you have to screen through fakers and manipulators (just like in real life). Yes, it means you have to put yourself out there and make yourself a little vulnerable (just like in real life). Yes, you may have to go through a numbers game (just like in real life). Yes, you may have to make the first move if you aren’t getting any attention (just like in real life). Yes, you have to take some precautions for safety (just like in real life). Yes, you may have to make building a love life a priority and put in lots of time (just like in real life). Stop whining. Stop complaining. Stop Self-Shaming. It is what it is. Learn to love it. Own it. Make it yours, just like you would any other great opportunity in life that you have to work at. A good solid profile, a great attitude towards meeting new people, and the willingness to take action can make online dating a great way to meet new people, if you are prepared to make the most of your online time together. -Frank Kermit  Donate To FrankTalks Education Fund  Find The One Elite Podcast Show Logo Released July 21 2017, Updated on March 1, 2018 Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the program Find The One Elite with host Antia Boyd. On this show Frank talks about The Top Emotional Needs Of Single Men & Women.  Life Reflections - A Poem by Jim Riga Been thinking recently, after having read John Milton’s sonnet “On His Blindness” and reflecting on all of the family, close friends, ex-colleagues, and even ex-students, who have passed in these 72 years of my life – Jim Riga LIFE REFLECTIONS By Jim Riga Call ‘life’ what you want; it's not the least bit fair, It causes many people grief and despair. Comprised of numerous ups and downs, It makes some smile, and others frown. It knows no borders, tribe or race, Religion, culture, or color of face. Yellow, red, brown or white, It means nothing if you're dark or light. Loved ones lost, friends gone too, Look around; so alone are you. Memories, though pleasant, now remain Of days now filled with unbearable pain. Joyous days of yesteryear And times so filled with pleasant cheer But now warm times seem all but gone As time and life do venture on. The times we knew when we were young Fleeting as those smiles that sprung From times when we were young and free But now bring one much misery. Now, seldom are those times of gold, And more fleeting now as we grow old, So live life now with an open heart, For life goes on as more friends depart. -Jim Riga Copyright, July 17, 2017  complicated grief  Body Sugaring Body Sugaring- A type of sugar that’s good for you! by Pillow Talk Gal When someone first mentioned body sugaring to me, I have to admit I had no clue what they were talking about. Was it some kind of new skin treatment craze or was it something involving aroma therapy? I quickly discovered that it is a wonderful hair removal method that’s all the rage. First of all, let me be very clear that the idea of anything involving pulling on any hair on my body, is not my idea of a good time. I had such a bad experience in the past that I vowed never to put myself through that again. This said, The Sugar Hive-NDG had such great reviews that I couldn’t resist checking it out. Ample parking makes it easy to access and the owner, Oriel, was very inviting. Upon entering, my senses were treated to wonderful aromas both from candles and the lovely natural sugar based products being used in my treatment. After filling out a form (health information taken only as a precautionary measure) I was guided to a lovely room where we began the process. While applying a skin preparation lotion (which helps to disinfect the skin and is completely natural), Oriel explained the origins of body sugaring to me. It all began thousands of years ago with the Egyptians. The pharaohs and their entourage used this method to remove unwanted hair. Up until very recently, body sugaring had popularity mostly in Europe but thanks to word of mouth, it has gained momentum here in North America and shows no signs of slowing down. All the products used are completely natural (made entirely of sugar, water and lemon juice) and this special formula of natural goodness does not adhere to live skin cells (unlike waxing, the sugar only removes the hair and dead skin cells, and not healthy skin cells). The advantages of this include reducing redness and eliminating the possibility of developing ingrown hairs. The sugar used is prepared at room temperature so there is no worry of dealing with that feeling of burnt skin often experienced with hot wax. The fact that it is a natural product also is good news for the environment, as no harsh chemicals are used and the sugar is applied simply by a technique using only the fingers. So, I know what you’re thinking; it all sounds fine and dandy but what about the pain? It’s safe to say that at one point or another in every woman’s life, we’ve had to deal with hair removal torture, in the many forms that pain presents itself. I myself have had my share of bad experiences that include burnt skin, chemical burns and allergic reactions just to name a few. Let me tell you, body sugaring is my new go to hair removal must have! When Oriel started the process and began to remove the hair on my legs with the sugar, I was shocked! I literally felt no pain. I kept bracing myself to feel that all too familiar pinching sensation but each time I did, I was surprised I felt nothing. Even on the most sensitive areas, I was pain free and totally relaxed. It was such a refreshing experience compared to what I had endured in the past. Before I knew it, my session was over and Oriel was applying a natural soothing lotion (that btw smelled awesome!). My sugaring experience was one of the most positive hair removal experiences I have ever had and I highly recommend you look into it if you need to get rid of those pesky hairs (be it legs, arms, facial or otherwise). High praise to the Sugar Hive for a job well done, About the Sugar Hive and its owner: Oriel is from Kitchener, Waterloo and has been doing body sugaring for a few months now. She hopes to open her own body sugaring shop some day and would even love to offer a spa experience featuring all natural products. Her budding business is located at 4397 Grand Boulevard in NDG, Montreal. Link to The Sugar Hive Facebook site: https://www.facebook.com/TheSugarHivee/ About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons. "Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal To read Pillow Talk Gal's last post, click HERE  Swiping Right On Tinder: Online Dating Swiping Right by Carrie Joyner I always figured the next love of my life would happen organically. After 2 years of taking a break from the soul sucking world of online dating, I decided to jump back in because the old fashioned way of meeting men just wasn’t happening. Not the right ones, anyhow. The romantic notion of meeting Mr. Right in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store went out the window a long time ago since Steve Jobs put iphones in 90% of the populations hands. Human interaction is scarce these days. Eye contact is nothing short of a miracle. People would rather Snap Chat themselves with cartoon eyes and dog noses. -I don’t get it. -I don’t want to get it. I didn’t go hungry the past two years, don’t get me wrong. I just needed to kick start the process and increase the odds of landing a dream partner before I start thinking about getting a few cats and spending every night binge watching Million Dollar Listing and fantasizing about a career in high profit real estate. Putting yourself out there lends to some pretty deep self-analysis by being part of that online, fast food style relationship world. Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there…but you have to cut through a lot of weeds to find a good one. With my iphone machete in hand, I began hacking away. Vessel of choice: Tinder  Sign Up For Frank Coaching Jumping Back Into Dating I am tired of paying for the chance to meet someone who could ultimately end up wasting years of my life. I spent the better part of 2 years in 3 useless relationships because of that. Recently divorced and feeling the clock ticking in the last few years of my 30’s, I dropped the bar…forget raising it…and settled with three different men for the sake of being in a relationship. Mild levels of attraction led to a lot of time being complacent, at times anxiety-inducing and ultimately unfulfilling relationships. One was crazy, one was a jerk and one was just too nice.
I just signed up two weeks ago, so about 50 matches later, 4 disappointing actual dates, I am taking a deep breath and getting ready for week three. The latest date was probably the strangest. A hot pilot who had been texting with me for about 24 hours before I found a hole in my schedule and asked him if he was free. He was, we set up a time and place to meet for a drink. He arrived 30 minutes late because he was stuck in traffic and took about ten minutes to establish consistent eye contact with me. This is where all that self analysis kicks in. The reality is that I am sitting in front of a total stranger.  Discover The New Rules Of Dating I don’t know if he has issues. I don’t know his back story or what really happened in his last relationships, or how hurt he had been in the past. The questions float around my head incessantly. -Is he not focusing because he is nervous? -Am I too good looking for him? -Am I not good looking enough? I finally hooked him in a topic that he was semi-passionate about and I had my eye contact at last. He didn’t want to leave, but I have to cut these things short unless there are fireworks. Plus, my dog needed a walk. He texted me after to make sure I got home safely, which was thoughtful. He asked if he could see me again and I said yes, because maybe that first encounter was just scratching the surface. I haven’t heard back from him all weekend and I am not going to reach out first …I am old school like that. Online dating is not how I imagined meeting my next boyfriend and hopefully husband, but it is the easiest way to start connecting to total strangers, some with good intentions, others not so much. It takes time, energy, thick skin and courage of steel to not cancel dates that seem like a good idea while couch surfing with chardonnay. Total exposure. But I guess you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, so let the games begin! -Carrie Joyner
 Pay It Forward Dear Franktalks blog readers. This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025. The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article. Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article. Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time, and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.  Sign Up For Frank Coaching  Coaching Workbook For Her To Make The Most Of Her Time  donate now  Elvira Giarrusso Di Perna 1915-2017 Elvira Di Perna (born Giarrusso) October 6, 1915 - 10 July 10, 2017 Passed away peacefully at Villa Forum Residence in Mississauga, Ontario on Monday, July 10th. just short of her 102nd. birthday. Beloved wife of the late Damiano, loving mother of Nicholas (the late Maria), Civita (Joe) and Carmen (Joe). Cherished Nonna of Damian (Mary), Maria, Elvira, Robert (Cheryl), Nicky (Rina), Rosemarie (Paul), the late Stephen (Leanne), and 13 great grandchildren. She also leaves behind her beloved brothers and sisters in Montreal: Domenic (Anna), Assunta (Fortunato) and Victor (Elisa). Elvira immigrated from Gaeta, Italy in 1949 with her children, to begin a new life with her family in Canada. She was widowed two years later at the age of 36 and had to overcome many significant challenges in raising a family of three young children and to provide support to her brothers and sisters. A family woman, the eldest of 13 children, who devoted her entire life in helping her children, grandchildren, as well as her brothers and sisters. Elvira will be sadly missed and fondly remembered by her many family and friends. Good bye Elvira, and Thank You.  for unresolved grief  Anniversary of the book From Friends To Lovers by Frank Dear Friends, I got a reminder on social media that today is the anniversary that I self published my 10th book: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man. On July 12, 2009 I self published it. In celebration, of this 8th anniversary of this book, I present the introduction of the this book written by Will Hicks. Enjoy! -Frank Kermit, Author Introduction to From Friends To Lovers by Will Hicks My Mother told me that it was an extreme honor when someone asks you to write an introduction or forward to their book as she was asked by one of her colleagues at work. When Frank asked me I took it as an extreme honor because of our friendship and the caliber of person that he is. Once Frank becomes your friend he’s there for you through thick and thin, rain or shine. He also makes sure he stays in communication with all his friends as well as open doors for you through friends he has that may be able to help you in any way.
The most memorable show for me was the New Years Eve show we did together. This was one of the funniest hours of my life. We talked about everything from where to go, where not to go, the mindset that you need to have...etc. The show was professionally done, as is everything the man does.
 Sign Up For A Custom Coaching Program. We’ve shared many private moments off the air also, friends talking shop, giving advice, and trying to help out guys that need it the most. There are a lot of pretenders out and I can say not just with my own experiences but also out of the mouths of countless others that Frank Kermit is No Pretender. His body of work speaks for itself and I’m honored to be a part of that great body of work. When Frank speaks it’s always from the heart and he’s speaking from experience. He genuinely doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes as he did or take some of the roads that he’s traveled. I’d say he generous to a fault with an infectious smile and as cool as the other side of the pillow. Once you enter his world, Frank becomes your mentor, coach, confidant, counselor and most importantly Friend. So enjoy what’s about to happen next. There will probably be things along the way that you disagree with or don’t like but you’ll always appreciate where they’re coming from, that I can assure you. Also know that Frank Kermit wouldn’t have you do something that he wouldn’t do himself. Will Hicks, Dating Coach  Sign Up for Coaching  Get a Real Girlfriend Now  Thank Frank By Helping Him Send His Son To School  Love is Not a Power Play Love is Not A Power Play: A New Constitution For Conscious Relationships by Arun Eden-Lewis I realized in my late teens that attempting to blame and shame white people into giving me a break by regularly reminding them of more than 400 years of slavery was counterproductive.When, eventually, I let go of my anger and embraced forgiveness, I noticed that people (for the most part) started to treat me not as a black man, but simply as a human being. Similarly, reminding men in every discussion on gender parity of hundreds of years of patriarchy, not only to justify the drive for equality but also preferential treatment and sometimes abusive behavior, is also counterproductive. I am not suggesting we forget the injustices of history but I am suggesting we lay them to rest and forgive the sins of our fathers in order to progress together. Recently, I wrote an article on the commonly-asked question, “Where have all the good men gone?” It generated a lot of heat, as well as plenty of constructive discussion. We have come a long way since the suffrage movement of the 19th century, but clearly there is still some way further to go to achieve genuine gender equality. The challenge we now face is to realize that equality for women without simultaneously tearing down men to achieve it. In our work and all our endeavors together, as conscious men and women, we must stand up for equality together, knowing that one day we will be equal, not only by the laws of the land but also in our hearts and minds. Presently, we seem to be caught in a destructive dynamic of battling sexes, but I believe we can find healthier and more constructive ways to achieve gender parity. Our challenge is to adopt more balanced policies of cooperation, rather than the competitive and adversarial tribalism so apparent in many of our current institutions, sociopolitical systems, and modes of thought-behavior, rooted so firmly in outdated paradigms of “us against them.” I believe our society can evolve beyond these adversarial paradigms—evolve consciously and purposefully in our core humanity and genuinely embrace equality, not just in the letter of our laws but also embrace the spirit and ideals of equality where no laws are present. We appear to live in a society where the system is geared to please some of the people some of the time. No single system known can please all of the people all of the time. However, I believe we can and will create a more humanitarian and tolerant society that pleases most of the people most of the time. I believe we can form more harmonious unions, cultivate domestic and occupational peace, encourage the common defense of justice, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of equality in our pursuit of happiness, through an evolved “constitution of conscious men and women.” Dating dynamics: Perhaps the two most destructive elements in many modern relationships between men and women are the “power struggle” and the “jealousy game.” These two modes of behavior are often intertwined and their definitions blur each into the other as a consequence. But what is clear is that once these insidious games are initiated, a relationship is usually on a countdown to self-destruction. The power struggle is essentially the game couples play to determine who is the protagonist in the relationship. This inevitably creates a dynamic where the potential protagonist is both actively and passively being opposed, rivaled, and competed with by the antagonist. In essence, the lead and supporting actors are trying to steal every scene from each other. What makes the power struggle so complex is that, in any given situation, the roles of protagonist and antagonist can be and often are reversed. The power struggle involves controlling the activities of a partner, where they go, what they do and who they do it with. It involves the habitual criticism, shaming, and ridiculing of what a partner says, does, and how they say and do it. These power plays are designed to achieve one thing: to undermine the self-esteem and confidence of a partner, and, conversely, to make the perpetrator feel empowered. But empowerment obtained from the debasement of another is not true power, it is merely a temporary tyranny. One of the most destructive tactics used within the power struggle is the jealousy game. Indeed, a game within a game only adds to its virulent nature. The jealousy game involves flirting with members of the opposite sex, and being sure our significant other knows about it. It involves letting our partner know just how attracted we are to celebrities and stars, implying our partner’s comparative success is inadequate. It involves habitually bringing ex-partners into conversations to provoke the green-eyed monster. This tedious tit-for-tat game rarely, if ever, has a happy ending. Increasingly, the 21st century extension of the jealousy game is to use an electronic device of some kind—a computer, a tablet, but especially a smartphone—as a way of denying organic attention to a partner. These devices are an essential part of modern life, no doubt, but in the context of the Power Struggle they also serve as a way to detach from and passively dominate partners. When the Power Struggle inevitably spirals out of control, tempers flare into heated arguments, often leading to verbal and or physical violence. But we should note that, by the time conflict has reached this boiling-point, it has usually been preceded by protracted mental and emotional violence in the form of the simmering Power Struggle. This raises the phenomenon of “toxic debate.” Toxic debate is characterized by discussion that is no longer based in calm, logical, or rational argument, but rather in high emotions, degrading language, and name-calling. It involves attempted character assassination, blaming and shaming, raised voices and, sadly, raised hands. The solution? Awareness of the game itself allows us to consciously choose not to play by its rules. If you find yourself caught in the power struggle and calm, rational, non-blaming discussions do not change the relationship dynamics then walk away from the partnership before the real damage is done. Refuse even to participate in toxic debate. Love is not a power play; it is a stage where we can be strong or vulnerable and feel entirely trusted, trusting, and safe. Conscious men and women understand this and, increasingly, are making far better choices regarding who they date. The less conscious among us are so conditioned by the rules of the power struggle that they are either unwilling or unable to engage in a different and healthier way of being in a relationship. This kind of person, often unconsciously, sees compromise and fair-mindedness in their significant other merely as an opportunity to exert control over their partner. Date them at your peril. Marriage and family: Because of the emotional and financial risks attached to modern marriage, it is reasonable to understand the unwillingness of some to invest and trust in the institution. If we find ourselves in a relationship where only one partner wants to be married, then the prudent attitude for this partner is to accept the choice of the other partner, hard as it may be to do. Pressuring someone into marriage is not a fair indication of love or commitment, from either party. Hopefully, by the time a couple decides to get married, all the power plays would have been rejected in favor of trust, equality, and love. Sadly, there is on average a 50 percent chance modern marriages will fail, usually because the Power Struggle either continues from the preceding dating days, or it has been lying dormant and manifests once the knot is tied. A marriage between a conscious man and woman is an equal partnership, there is no protagonist or antagonist, no lead and supporting actors—rather, it is an ensemble piece. Cooperation is preferable above and beyond competition. Flexible interdependence is preferable above and beyond strong independence. Conscious caring is preferable above and beyond cloying codependents. The conscious husband and wife have clear and defined roles. That is not to suggest roles are fixed and rigid, but rather that all the responsibilities of marriage are known and shared, so that both parties feel equally valued and of value. These shared responsibilities and values cannot and should not be prescribed here, rather they are the prerogative of each couple to establish for themselves with open, honest, and fair-minded conversations. Often the guidance of an impartial arbitrator is helpful, in the form of a qualified counselor or perhaps parents from both sides of the family. Regarding divorce: Now is an appropriate time to pull aside the romanticized veil of marriage and see it, not only with the rose-tinted sentiments of love, but also with the clear-lenses practicalities of a business. There is no doubt that love is the most beautiful business when it goes right, but when it goes wrong it can be the most terrible and brutal. Prenuptial agreements can avoid long and costly disputes in divorce. Prenuptial agreements can be shaped and tailored to the specific requirements of each marriage: to protect assets, to define the distribution of property upon divorce, to protect one party from assuming the debts of the other, conditions of alimony, and much more besides. Generally, the issues of child support and child custody cannot be included in a prenuptial agreement, but rather the courts usually determine for themselves what is in the best interest of the children on a case by case basis. As the parameters and legality of prenuptial agreements differ from state to state and country to country, it would be advisable to consult an appropriate solicitor to clarify the laws and conditions applicable to prenuptial agreements relevant to each region. Increasingly, the conscious man and woman seldom enter into marriage relying solely on faith and good fortune to see them through. They also employ the prudence of the law to insure their rights. We routinely insure everything from our pets to our vacations–it makes perfect sense then to insure, to some degree at least, our marriages also. War in the workplace: Next to our homes, the workplace is probably the fiercest battleground in the war of the sexes. There are so many issues to attend: equal opportunity, equal pay, sexual harassment…too many topics to fully cover here. So, I will take a broad stroke instead. One of the less obvious perpetuation of the gender war in the workplace, but not exclusive to it, are the mindlessly repeated slogans of our social conditioning, “men can’t multi-task,” “women are too emotionally unstable for positions of authority,” “men have better spatial awareness than women,” “women mature quicker than men,” and on and on it goes ad nausea. These kinds of prejudicial attitudes are often sugar-coated with a dose of worn-out humor to help us swallow the bitter pill, or worse, still supported by some spurious scientific study to reinforce stereotypes that belong firmly in the past. A word of caution, though: These kinds of wayward attitudes do not require zealous politically correct thought-police to name, shame, and punish the guilty, but rather civil conversations between colleagues, many no doubt previously unaware of the damage this kind of insipid social conditioning does, and how its prejudices creep up on us slowly and become normalized. Take “women can’t read maps” or “women are more intuitive than men,” for example. These kinds of socially engineered viruses are often received from some gossipy glossy magazine or tatty television segment, backed up by a suitably bespectacled doctor, professor or scientist, then endlessly recycled via social-media. Before we realize it, they have become universal truisms, but fortunately for the conscious men and women among us, they do not become the universal truth. Since the birth of science, human beings have used its discoveries to attack each other. We should not use the perceived legitimacy of science, in all its forms, to legitimize beating each other over the head, metaphorically or literally. The authority of a white laboratory coat, so to speak, should only go so far before we stop to think for ourselves, otherwise science becomes little more than an unquestioned religion. When we stop throwing these neuro-sexism slogans at one another the workplace will become a much friendlier environment to spend half of our lives. When conscious men and women are friends, the possibilities in life are endless. We can work with each other as equals, rather than continually competing against one other. Studies and statistics are but a beginning, not an end to issues of equality: Through research, I have found studies and statistics that either reinforce, refute, or re-evaluate the many gender issues in discussion here. For example, research on the wage-gap will provide pertinent information outlining its reality and how to redress it, and other credible research claiming laws currently in place guaranteeing men and women equal pay for equal work have all but eliminated the pay-gap. So, it seems that we are waging a war of the sexes, not only in the bedroom and the boardroom, but also in the sciences and study groups funded both by governments and private organizations. The findings of these studies are then used to legitimize one political agenda or another. But, as the phrase made popular by Mark Twain goes, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” We must then also give trust to the day to day experiences that we share with the men and women in our own lives. How are we treating and being treated as fellow human beings? We are in the midst of the so-called information age, but it is possible to rely too much on the information we are being fed through the media and social-media and not enough on our personal experiences, which may give us a more complete and real-world picture regarding what is actually happening with issues of equality and social justice in general. In the process of gaining and maintaining equality, conscious men and women must guard diligently against falling foul to the same misdemeanors of those clinging to the old adversarial patterns and power struggles. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for equality by drinking from the bitter cup of anger. We must always conduct our struggle from the platform of patience and compassion. We must never allow our protests, passionate though they are, to degenerate into verbal or physical violence. And if such violence are perpetrated against us, as is so often the current trend, we must rise above them, meeting aggression with fearless and peaceful determination. Now is the time for armistice, now is the time for conscious men and women to walk away from the brutal battlefield of the warring sexes and to lift up our fatigued faces to the sunlight of gender equality and social justice. There will always be those unwilling or unable to change. However, conscious men and women are not gender evangelists, we do not seek to change sour wine into sweet, but respectfully agree to disagree and peacefully allow the naysayers to go their own way. In the course of our progress, it becomes necessary to dissolve certain modes of being belonging to previous times and to assume, instead, the equality to which the laws of humanity and nature entitle us. In the wake of that progress, we shall enjoy new freedoms, expressed in the true equality of men and women, by men and women, for men and women, so that we will no longer judge or be judged by the character of our gender but rather by the content of our character. This truth is self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, and indeed that some are not more equal than others. I believe we are all inherently blessed by the laws of nature with certain undeniable rights, among them: equality, freedom, and the unimpeded pursuit of happiness. ~ Re-read: I’ll Tell you Where all the Good Men have Gone.~ Author: Arun Eden-Lewis
 Are You Willing To Pay The Price? Are You Willing To Pay The Price? by Frank Kermit I have been coaching for nearly two decades at the time of writing this article. There are times when I feel very proud and inspired by certain coaching clients of mine. And other times, I see really good people, with really good hearts, just not acting as if they are willing to do the work necessary to have the love lives they so desperately claim to want. It takes hard work and sacrifice to makes changes in a person’s life. The more ingrained and practiced your repeating behavior patterns, the more challenging it will be to change those same behavior patterns and replace them with new behavior patterns. Learning the theory of addressing the emotional needs of others (and standing up for yourself) is just a first step in the process. Putting it into practice, especially when you are not used to it, can be a little more intense than what most people are comfortable with doing.
The result is the same. Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person. Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people. There is a price to pay for having a great love life. It means stepping outside of your comfort zone and committing new behaviors to change very specific situations in your life.
There is no waiting until you feel you are ready. Chances are you will never be fully ready. That is the price: To commit to new actions even you do not feel like it. It is a high price of discomfort to be sure. Just keep in mind the potential benefits you will acquire in the long run, in exchange for some short-term pains: A love life that brings smiles instead of tears Frank Kermit  Sign Up for Coaching to Pay the Price |
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