How valid is your friends breakup advice? Reading this informative post might help you decide.
When you’re struggling and seek help, it’s not uncommon that your friends will want to help you out. This is because they can empathize with you, or perhaps you have filled the same role in their life before. However, just because someone is your friend, it does not mean that they have the best advice to hand in order to help you the most profoundly. They have great intentions, but they may not be completely aware of the situation, or may have bad ideas themselves.
Dispelling certain myths within bad breakup advice might be needed. If you’re here after hearing something similar to this from one of your friends and you want to check just how valid it is, then you’re in the right place. Breakups are never easy. They’re difficult, they can be completely disorienting, but most of all, they can also be quite boring.
To help you with this, we hope our following advice can help you break up said myths and revert back to your best self. You deserve it:
‘Rampant Intimacy Will Help You Get Over Them’
There are many measures to get over someone. Your friend might suggest that the best method regarding how to get over a girl is to simply by ‘getting under’ someone else. Of course, if you are out of a relationship, you should be free to express your intimate desires in a manner that is enclosed by consent from both parties. However, if you feel as though this is the only way to tend to your emotional wounds, then you’d be wrong and misled. It’s important to note that while this may help, it may not, it depends entirely on how you proceed and where you are at in your stage of recovery.
Do not force yourself to do this if it’s not something you feel comfortable with, or if you’d really rather not. Rampant intimacy might work for some people, but it will hardly take your mind off what happened, and can often simply become an unhealthy coping strategy to try and shield yourself from further pain. It is not difficult to see just how that can be unhealthy and often make things worse.
‘You Need To Be Social 24/7’
When a friend wants you to come out with them every day after a break up, they are caring for you. They do not want to see you laying in bed until 4pm, eating ice cream, crying, and watching Netflix shows. But it’s also important that if you’re really not up to it, you do not feel completely obligated to socialize at all costs. Everyone processes the loss of a relative in different ways, and yes, you will be wounded after it happens. In fact, research has shown that mimicking effects similar to that created by physical pain is seen in the brain during heartache. If you had injured your leg, your friend would not be dragging you out to Five Guys. Instead, they’d let you heal.
While it’s important to be around other people, it’s also important to give yourself some time to process this alone. Do not think this makes you weak. However, do not cut anyone off. It’s this careful timeline that can allow you to grow back into yourself in the best manner possible, as you will not be forced in either direction.
‘You Need To Talk It All Through Now’
You may feel that talking through your problems with clear communication is the best way to start overcoming an issue. If you have that impression, you’re likely wiser than you think. Talking therapy with someone who understands or isn’t there to judge can be a fantastic means of letting out what’s harming you emotionally, and it can work wonders for your soul.
A friend might also know this, and they may wish for you to discuss it right now. They may think that spilling it all out in the moment can be healthy, because perhaps this method worked for them in the past. However, it’s important to note that you are not your friend, and so you might not even know how you feel right now aside from being dazed after the breakup. It’s okay not to have all the answers in the heat of the moment. In fact, giving yourself some time to process this before you decide to talk can be very healthy. A good friend will understand your need for this.
‘Lose Yourself In Self-Improvement’
When you break up with someone, you feel that you are not good enough. Why would this have happened otherwise, you may think. Additionally, the harmful nature of a couple splitting up can sometimes mean your ex-partner decides to insult you or press the buttons they know you are vulnerable to. This can lead you feeling a huge drop in self-confidence, feeling as though you cannot keep anyone or that you have something fundamentally wrong with you.
The first mistake is to accept this set of attitudes. The second mistake is to overcompensate for it. You may dive back to the gym to work out and process your pain through physical suffering, running harder than you ever have, trying to meditate for two hours each date, or lifting weights with enough frequency to bring the overtraining issue to full light. Losing yourself in self-improvement can be a very harmful thing when this happens, because it’s not being done for the right reasons.
By all means attend the gym with your friend. It can really help. But do not overcompensate. Do it for health and nothing else. Do it to stimulate your mind. Keep yourself active and healthy. These are positive steps. But beware that little voice that might wish to make this a crutch in an unhealthy manner, because in a healthy pursuit this will be the best crutch you have in the first place.
With this advice, you’re certain to dispel certain myths that might come to you. However, if you have a friend willing to help and remain at your side, you have plenty to be grateful for.
Forget basic! Step up your game and throw your friend a bachelor party he will never forget (and for great reasons, not because he was too drunk to remember it) Read more in this contributed post.
Bachelor parties are, by nature, wild. But if the bachelor’s already a wild guy with high demands then there’s even more pressure on the best man or the bachelor’s group of friends to throw an insane party. Forget strip clubs or bars. That’s the stereotypical formula for a bachelor party, and it’s too basic. You need to step up your game. If you want to leave your party-animal friend speechless then you need to give them a night that’ll almost top their wedding day itself. Here are some crazy ideas to give you some inspiration.
A road trip.
This is the perfect option for the indecisive party planner. If you’re struggling to think of a single thing that’ll make your bachelor buddy happy on their bucks night then why not do everything? You could even surprise them by only telling them this once you get in the car. They’ll ask where you’re going, and you can tell them you’re heading out on the open road. Try to keep each destination secret so as to make it even more special when you see the surprised look on their face as you arrive at different places.
You could even hire a cool car for the trip. Maybe you could get an RV if you’ll want to be able to crash into bed at the end of a long night/morning. Or if you think your buddy will want to look cool as you cruise from destination to destination then you could hire a sports car. Whatever the vehicle, the point is that you and your buddies will head off on a fun journey together. With snacks in the car and great tunes on the radio, you’ll have the makings of a great party before you’ve even reached any destinations.
A boat party.
Why drink beers in a bar or a club when you can drink them on a boat? Your friend will expect you to go big or go home when it comes to organising their last night as a free man. There’s no better way to do that than by hiring a boat for the evening and having a wild time out on the ocean, a lake, or even a marina. You might want to check out local charter options for bucks parties in your area. The cooler the boat, the cooler the evening. You could have a night of playing poker, drinking, or even enjoying entertainment that you hire for the boat (that doesn’t have to involve a stripper, of course).
Away from the bright lights of the city with its loud bars and clubs, you might think that there’s no way you could throw a wild bachelor party in nature. But the best parties only need a group of close friends (and maybe a few packs of booze). That’s why you should organise a camping trip for your friend’s big night. Forget the smartphones and all other aspects of the modern world. Have a tipsy night in a forest. You could play drinking games around a fire, tell each other funny stories, and just have a great night.
About The Author
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I got a reminder on social media that today is the anniversary that I self published my 10th book: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man. On July 12, 2009 I self published it.
In celebration, of this 8th anniversary of this book, I present the introduction of the this book written by Will Hicks.
-Frank Kermit, Author
Introduction to From Friends To Lovers
by Will Hicks
My Mother told me that it was an extreme honor when someone asks you to write an introduction or forward to their book as she was asked by one of her colleagues at work.
When Frank asked me I took it as an extreme honor because of our friendship and the caliber of person that he is.
Once Frank becomes your friend he’s there for you through thick and thin, rain or shine.
He also makes sure he stays in communication with all his friends as well as open doors for you through friends he has that may be able to help you in any way.
I remember when I first met Frank Kermit when we were speakers at the same event held in Canada. Frank, the gracious person that he is, reached out to me first and introduced himself and with that gesture started what would be a unique life long friendship.
The Cliffs List Convention in Canada where
Will Hicks and Frank Kermit Met
Will Hicks first appearance on Frank's show
He always kept me in the loop with everything he was doing including his radio shows, which I had the pleasure of being a part of on more than 1 occasion.
The most memorable show for me was the New Years Eve show we did together. This was one of the funniest hours of my life.
We talked about everything from where to go, where not to go, the mindset that you need to have...etc. The show was professionally done, as is everything the man does.
We found over the course of that hour that we had many things in common, even though we each had our own unique methodologies and delivery systems with which we conveyed our messages.
In other words that show helped cement our friendship.
How To Pick Up On New Years Eve
We’ve shared many private moments off the air also, friends talking shop, giving advice, and trying to help out guys that need it the most. There are a lot of pretenders out and I can say not just with my own experiences but also out of the mouths of countless others that Frank Kermit is No Pretender. His body of work speaks for itself and I’m honored to be a part of that great body of work.
When Frank speaks it’s always from the heart and he’s speaking from experience. He genuinely doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes as he did or take some of the roads that he’s traveled. I’d say he generous to a fault with an infectious smile and as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Once you enter his world, Frank becomes your mentor, coach, confidant, counselor and most importantly Friend. So enjoy what’s about to happen next. There will probably be things along the way that you disagree with or don’t like but you’ll always appreciate where they’re coming from, that I can assure you. Also know that Frank Kermit wouldn’t have you do something that he wouldn’t do himself.
Will Hicks, Dating Coach
By Christine Champ for Match.com Happen Magazine
At first, it sounded like a fabulous idea — but just one month later, Anna “fired” Kim.
You see, whenever the two met a single man somewhere, Kim turned into a flirting machine: tossing her hair, giving seductive sideways glances…she stole the spotlight every time away from Anna, even going so far as to physically block her friend out of some conversations by standing in front of her!
Whenever Anna asked Kim if she was interested in these men herself, she’d deny it. Instead of a boyfriend, all Anna acquired during her short-term experiment was self-doubt, frustration and confusion.
As Anna describes it, all her experience managed to do “was clip my own wings.”
So — (frenemies aside, obviously) — why would a friend, sister, brother or other close comrade get in your way when you’re looking for love?
We’ve come up with a few reasons that take malice out of the equation entirely.
Fitzgerald has been on both sides of the wingman block himself; once, when a friend’s flirting turned into floundering, he felt responsible for keeping the conversation going so the woman his friend was interested in wouldn’t leave. Fitzgerald now realizes that commandeering the conversation might actually intimidate a tongue-tied buddy, so he makes an effort to tread carefully when helping cultivate initial small talk before excusing himself from the conversation entirely.
For some people — single or not — the subconscious urge to compete with their peers trumps everything else. It’s about proving they can win the guy or girl’s attention, even if they’re not looking for a relationship themselves. Dr. Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days, observes that often, insecurity is what’s really behind these competitors’ outward show of confidence and flirting — along with the drive to demonstrate they’re desirable, regardless of the cost to their friendships. Sometimes, adds Dr. Kirschner, “scarcity consciousness” can also make people worry “there’s not enough to go around” when it comes to finding potential dates.
Ron Geraci, author of The Bachelor Chronicles, notes that some people simply “cannot stand the fact that someone else is getting attention.” But, adds Geraci, don’t condemn these attention hogs too harshly; basking in the romantic limelight gives a “shot of adrenaline to their ego” that boosts their own low self-confidence.
A recent University of Indiana study suggests that people note the preferences of others — regardless of whether they’re friends or strangers — to make their own search for a mate more efficient. This stems from the idea that “who others like might be a good choice for ourselves,” according to Skyler Place, a researcher in UI’s Department of Psychological and Brain Studies who coauthored the study, along with Peter M. Todd, a professor in the university’s Cognitive Science Program. Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of From Loser to Seducer, cites another reason: sometimes people don’t trust their own judgment when it comes to finding someone else attractive.
University of Texas psychology professor David Buss coined the term “mate poaching” to refer to people’s tendencies to try to steal romantic partners away from others. Geraci believes the principle applies equally to singles on the prowl, saying that “it’s a convenient way to find a mate because someone else is doing a lot of the work.” Singles should use caution when choosing wingmen or wing women; watch out for those friends who exhibit potential poaching tendencies and avoid going out with them when you’re looking for dates. After all, when you’ve engaged a prospect that piques your pals’ interest, “it’s like bringing your kill into a pack of hyenas,” warns Geraci.
Before you try to mend your relationship with a failed wingman or wing woman, make sure you’re not misreading any signals — like the silent cues that your tall, dark and handsome (or blonde and beautiful) target sends that indicate your attraction isn’t mutual after all. According to matchmaker and etiquette coach Joy Nordenstrom, the three biggest clues that your flirting is indeed being reciprocated include: direct eye contact, mirroring (i.e., your crush copies your body movements) and leaning in to get physically closer to you.
If it’s still obvious your friend’s crossed a boundary, here’s one solution: exclude him or her from social situations where you might connect with someone romantically. Advises Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again: “that’s how you teach people that they’re socially unacceptable,” though she considers an intervention to be worthwhile if you believe your friend’s bad behavior is unintentional. If you do decide to stage an impromptu bathroom meeting to interrupt the offender’s advances, Kirschner recommends keeping it positive — like asking your cousin to tell the ladies about your smooth salsa moves, then adding that you’ll be ready to take the lead on the dance floor right after the next song begins.
Establishing the rules of engagement
If you really want your wingman or wing woman to “rise to the occasion,” says Nordenstrom, establish some rules of engagement first so that it’s clear “you’re playing on the same team.” Start by clarifying your goals for the outing, and have your friend do the same. Agree to put each other in the best light possible throughout the evening — from subtly pointing out the broccoli in your friend’s teeth to bragging about his or her tennis skills. Think of flattering stories to share about your friend or make a mental note of his or her most attractive features before you go out together. Mutually agree on a code word (like “yesterday”) to indicate you’re interested in someone so both of you don’t end up inadvertently flirting with the same person. If you end up eyeing the same hottie without realizing it, take a beat by yourselves to discuss and compare your desire levels on a scale of 1 to 10. A good wingman or wing woman knows when “to step back,” but as Tessina also cautions, “every person you meet isn’t Mr. [or Ms.] right” — so choose your showdowns wisely!
Flying solo: is it an option?
The insights we’ve shared here should help you choose a wingman or wing woman that brings out the absolute best in you — because, according to Nordenstrom, when your romantic radar reacts, you often “have a very short window to make a strong impression.” Or, try flying solo — Kirschner believes you may unleash your “inner charisma” when you’re forced to conquer your shyness and/or social anxiety. If you attempt a solo recon mission for scouting dating prospects and spend all night cowering next to the bathroom instead, finding a friendly co-pilot you can rely on is definitely the better way to fly!
Christine Champ is a freelance writer based in the Northwest. Her writing has appeared on MSN.com, MSNBC.com, Film.com and in The Seattle Times.
The Importance of Keeping Your Word
by Frank Kermit
It can happen sometimes where you make a promise
that you did not realize
you would not be able to keep.
We are human beings,
and when that happens,
it can be embarrassing.
The cost of this kind of immature action is:
The Loss Of Your Credibility
It is important that when you have to break your word, that you at least offer the person whose trust you just violated, some kind of compensation.
It is still a means of value-for-value.
It you don't at least do the HUMAN thing
of trying to make up for it,
people will see you as UNETHICAL.
Immature and unethical behaviors aren't something you can get away with for very long.
When you are younger and the consequences are not so high, most people will just brush you off, and write you off.
Youth will not always protect you.
At some point, your repeating behavior pattern is going to cost you with people who would be in a position to help you will simply cut you out.
Quality people do not have time in their lives
for people that lack credibility.
If you want to be a Good Person
then start by being Good at keeping your word.
If you don't want someone to label you,
be sure you aren't acting in a way
that makes then need to in the first place.
by Frank Kermit
Let me start by saying that this information about how to manage a Friends-With-Benefits is an excerpt of my coaching workbooks for women and for men.
Sometimes people might want to answer "A. As Often as Possible" because they figure that it is like getting "free" sex and they should take as much as they can. That does seem reasonable.
Sometimes people might want to answer "B. 2-3 Times a Week" because they figure, it is just like dating someone anyways and they want to enjoy themselves with their lover and it gives them time to see their friends-with-benefits lover AND still have time to go out, do their errands, and have time to themselves. That does seem reasonable too.
Sometimes people might want to answer "C. Every Weekend" because they figure the person is just a friends-with-benefits and they have busy lives, but that they should be willing to commit to meeting every weekend so that neither one has to date anyone else so they can have guaranteed sex, and a guaranteed plan for the weekend, and no one ends up lonely. That does seem reasonable as well.
Sometime people might want to answer "D. Once a Week, Or Less" because they figure that a friends-with-benefits is not a serious commitment sex partner, and that they want to enjoy the benefits, but still keep a proper emotional distance.
These are ALL REASONABLE INTERPRETATIONS.
But there is only ONE RIGHT ANSWER
There are many levels of Commitment in The Hierarchy of Sex, Dating and Relationships.
Friends with Benefits is a STAGE 2 Level of involvement and it has various rules to make sure that you don't hurt someone unintentionally, that someone does not hurt you, and how you can manage being friends-with-benefits in a way that would allow everyone to stay on good terms even after it ends.
The Answer is D. Once a Week, Or Less
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway.
One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue.
Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop.
If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
By Frank Kermit
Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened.
When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone.
You actually found someone that you like.
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do?
- Do you tell that person directly and see what happens?
- Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process?
- Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest?
- What if you do not know what signs to look for?
- What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect.
As I discuss in my THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK, There are a number of factors to consider such as:
- Do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or
- Do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it which I discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK), or
- Perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends which I also discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK).
There are TWO QUESTIONS to ask:
1. First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person
2. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences.
If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
When To Go DIRECT and When to be INDIRECT
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach.
The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be.
If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures.
In my program FROM FRIENDS TO LOVERS: STOP BEING HER EMOTIONAL COOKIE MAN EBOOK I teach Men (Mostly Nice Guys) how to get a long time female friend to see him as a potential lover.
Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided.
In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Should You Ask Other Friends To Help You?
Involving your friends from your social circles has its pros and cons.
Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in.
In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity.
A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages.
You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand.
Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is:
to take some kind of action listed above.
People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.
When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.
When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.
Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System
By Frank Kermit
When wedding season is upon us, I get couples coming in for some pre-marital coaching. This process, usually in private couples coaching, but sometimes as a group class is to get couples to ask one another very important questions, the answers to which may even end their engagement.
The goal is to build a rock solid foundation for the marriage so that when tough times trouble the couple, the couple has the best possible odds to stay strong and steady until the storm passes.
One of the components that I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" in this process is the rule of putting a life partner ahead of your own extended family and friends.
In dealing with couples on the verge of a break up or divorce, as well as, separated and divorced individuals who are starting over, a remarkably clear pattern became identifiable.
One of the key components that the individual asking for the break listed as a primary reason for ending the relationship was a feeling that a partner put the wants and needs of extended family members and friends ahead of the needs of a spouse and even their children.
It is important for new couples getting married to understand that the number one person in your life is your spouse:
- It is not your parents,
- it is not your siblings,
- and it is not your nieces, or nephews,
- not your uncles, or aunts,
- not your cousins,
- not your grandparents
- and NOT your friends.
If you end up in the middle of a conflict between having to choose what it best for your spouse or what is best for anyone else, you better choose your spouse if you want your marriage to survive as you must be able to trust in your spouse that your spouse would choose for you.
In the most basic of terms, it is you and your spouse against the world. You come together in marriage to form a partnership to build a common future, a family unit, and to have each other's best interest in mind because it is expected that the two of you have already discussed and agreed upon achieving similar life goals.
These conversations should have covered family planning, careers, retirement, lifestyle and coping with any known and potential obstacles to those plans as well as agreed upon sacrifices necessary to make all of those goals happen.
If you haven't given any thought to these core goal oriented communications, you will be thinking about them while you are in the process of splitting up.
Ironically, the very questions you are asking yourself about your partner during a divorce are the same one you both needed to talk about during your engagement.
There is only one exception to this rule...if you already have young kids when you are getting married.
At that point, your kids who rely on you and have no one else to depend on take priority over your new spouse.
Your spouse is an adult that got to choose to be with you and must accept your priority to be a parent to your children.
However your children did not have the choice of having you as a parent and you may be the only person your children have to give a damn about giving them a decent start to life.
In the future I will write an article for child-free adults who date single parents and how to navigate realistic expectations of step-parenthood.
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