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I got a reminder on social media that today is the anniversary that I self published my 10th book: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man. On July 12, 2009 I self published it.
In celebration, of this 8th anniversary of this book, I present the introduction of the this book written by Will Hicks.
-Frank Kermit, Author
Introduction to From Friends To Lovers
by Will Hicks
My Mother told me that it was an extreme honor when someone asks you to write an introduction or forward to their book as she was asked by one of her colleagues at work.
When Frank asked me I took it as an extreme honor because of our friendship and the caliber of person that he is.
Once Frank becomes your friend he’s there for you through thick and thin, rain or shine.
He also makes sure he stays in communication with all his friends as well as open doors for you through friends he has that may be able to help you in any way.
I remember when I first met Frank Kermit when we were speakers at the same event held in Canada. Frank, the gracious person that he is, reached out to me first and introduced himself and with that gesture started what would be a unique life long friendship.
The Cliffs List Convention in Canada where
Will Hicks and Frank Kermit Met
Will Hicks first appearance on Frank's show
He always kept me in the loop with everything he was doing including his radio shows, which I had the pleasure of being a part of on more than 1 occasion.
The most memorable show for me was the New Years Eve show we did together. This was one of the funniest hours of my life.
We talked about everything from where to go, where not to go, the mindset that you need to have...etc. The show was professionally done, as is everything the man does.
We found over the course of that hour that we had many things in common, even though we each had our own unique methodologies and delivery systems with which we conveyed our messages.
In other words that show helped cement our friendship.
How To Pick Up On New Years Eve
We’ve shared many private moments off the air also, friends talking shop, giving advice, and trying to help out guys that need it the most. There are a lot of pretenders out and I can say not just with my own experiences but also out of the mouths of countless others that Frank Kermit is No Pretender. His body of work speaks for itself and I’m honored to be a part of that great body of work.
When Frank speaks it’s always from the heart and he’s speaking from experience. He genuinely doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes as he did or take some of the roads that he’s traveled. I’d say he generous to a fault with an infectious smile and as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Once you enter his world, Frank becomes your mentor, coach, confidant, counselor and most importantly Friend. So enjoy what’s about to happen next. There will probably be things along the way that you disagree with or don’t like but you’ll always appreciate where they’re coming from, that I can assure you. Also know that Frank Kermit wouldn’t have you do something that he wouldn’t do himself.
Will Hicks, Dating Coach
By Christine Champ for Match.com Happen Magazine
At first, it sounded like a fabulous idea — but just one month later, Anna “fired” Kim.
You see, whenever the two met a single man somewhere, Kim turned into a flirting machine: tossing her hair, giving seductive sideways glances…she stole the spotlight every time away from Anna, even going so far as to physically block her friend out of some conversations by standing in front of her!
Whenever Anna asked Kim if she was interested in these men herself, she’d deny it. Instead of a boyfriend, all Anna acquired during her short-term experiment was self-doubt, frustration and confusion.
As Anna describes it, all her experience managed to do “was clip my own wings.”
So — (frenemies aside, obviously) — why would a friend, sister, brother or other close comrade get in your way when you’re looking for love?
We’ve come up with a few reasons that take malice out of the equation entirely.
Fitzgerald has been on both sides of the wingman block himself; once, when a friend’s flirting turned into floundering, he felt responsible for keeping the conversation going so the woman his friend was interested in wouldn’t leave. Fitzgerald now realizes that commandeering the conversation might actually intimidate a tongue-tied buddy, so he makes an effort to tread carefully when helping cultivate initial small talk before excusing himself from the conversation entirely.
For some people — single or not — the subconscious urge to compete with their peers trumps everything else. It’s about proving they can win the guy or girl’s attention, even if they’re not looking for a relationship themselves. Dr. Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days, observes that often, insecurity is what’s really behind these competitors’ outward show of confidence and flirting — along with the drive to demonstrate they’re desirable, regardless of the cost to their friendships. Sometimes, adds Dr. Kirschner, “scarcity consciousness” can also make people worry “there’s not enough to go around” when it comes to finding potential dates.
Ron Geraci, author of The Bachelor Chronicles, notes that some people simply “cannot stand the fact that someone else is getting attention.” But, adds Geraci, don’t condemn these attention hogs too harshly; basking in the romantic limelight gives a “shot of adrenaline to their ego” that boosts their own low self-confidence.
A recent University of Indiana study suggests that people note the preferences of others — regardless of whether they’re friends or strangers — to make their own search for a mate more efficient. This stems from the idea that “who others like might be a good choice for ourselves,” according to Skyler Place, a researcher in UI’s Department of Psychological and Brain Studies who coauthored the study, along with Peter M. Todd, a professor in the university’s Cognitive Science Program. Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of From Loser to Seducer, cites another reason: sometimes people don’t trust their own judgment when it comes to finding someone else attractive.
University of Texas psychology professor David Buss coined the term “mate poaching” to refer to people’s tendencies to try to steal romantic partners away from others. Geraci believes the principle applies equally to singles on the prowl, saying that “it’s a convenient way to find a mate because someone else is doing a lot of the work.” Singles should use caution when choosing wingmen or wing women; watch out for those friends who exhibit potential poaching tendencies and avoid going out with them when you’re looking for dates. After all, when you’ve engaged a prospect that piques your pals’ interest, “it’s like bringing your kill into a pack of hyenas,” warns Geraci.
Before you try to mend your relationship with a failed wingman or wing woman, make sure you’re not misreading any signals — like the silent cues that your tall, dark and handsome (or blonde and beautiful) target sends that indicate your attraction isn’t mutual after all. According to matchmaker and etiquette coach Joy Nordenstrom, the three biggest clues that your flirting is indeed being reciprocated include: direct eye contact, mirroring (i.e., your crush copies your body movements) and leaning in to get physically closer to you.
If it’s still obvious your friend’s crossed a boundary, here’s one solution: exclude him or her from social situations where you might connect with someone romantically. Advises Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again: “that’s how you teach people that they’re socially unacceptable,” though she considers an intervention to be worthwhile if you believe your friend’s bad behavior is unintentional. If you do decide to stage an impromptu bathroom meeting to interrupt the offender’s advances, Kirschner recommends keeping it positive — like asking your cousin to tell the ladies about your smooth salsa moves, then adding that you’ll be ready to take the lead on the dance floor right after the next song begins.
Establishing the rules of engagement
If you really want your wingman or wing woman to “rise to the occasion,” says Nordenstrom, establish some rules of engagement first so that it’s clear “you’re playing on the same team.” Start by clarifying your goals for the outing, and have your friend do the same. Agree to put each other in the best light possible throughout the evening — from subtly pointing out the broccoli in your friend’s teeth to bragging about his or her tennis skills. Think of flattering stories to share about your friend or make a mental note of his or her most attractive features before you go out together. Mutually agree on a code word (like “yesterday”) to indicate you’re interested in someone so both of you don’t end up inadvertently flirting with the same person. If you end up eyeing the same hottie without realizing it, take a beat by yourselves to discuss and compare your desire levels on a scale of 1 to 10. A good wingman or wing woman knows when “to step back,” but as Tessina also cautions, “every person you meet isn’t Mr. [or Ms.] right” — so choose your showdowns wisely!
Flying solo: is it an option?
The insights we’ve shared here should help you choose a wingman or wing woman that brings out the absolute best in you — because, according to Nordenstrom, when your romantic radar reacts, you often “have a very short window to make a strong impression.” Or, try flying solo — Kirschner believes you may unleash your “inner charisma” when you’re forced to conquer your shyness and/or social anxiety. If you attempt a solo recon mission for scouting dating prospects and spend all night cowering next to the bathroom instead, finding a friendly co-pilot you can rely on is definitely the better way to fly!
Christine Champ is a freelance writer based in the Northwest. Her writing has appeared on MSN.com, MSNBC.com, Film.com and in The Seattle Times.
The Importance of Keeping Your Word
by Frank Kermit
It can happen sometimes where you make a promise
that you did not realize
you would not be able to keep.
We are human beings,
and when that happens,
it can be embarrassing.
The cost of this kind of immature action is:
The Loss Of Your Credibility
It is important that when you have to break your word, that you at least offer the person whose trust you just violated, some kind of compensation.
It is still a means of value-for-value.
It you don't at least do the HUMAN thing
of trying to make up for it,
people will see you as UNETHICAL.
Immature and unethical behaviors aren't something you can get away with for very long.
When you are younger and the consequences are not so high, most people will just brush you off, and write you off.
Youth will not always protect you.
At some point, your repeating behavior pattern is going to cost you with people who would be in a position to help you will simply cut you out.
Quality people do not have time in their lives
for people that lack credibility.
If you want to be a Good Person
then start by being Good at keeping your word.
If you don't want someone to label you,
be sure you aren't acting in a way
that makes then need to in the first place.
by Frank Kermit
Let me start by saying that this information about how to manage a Friends-With-Benefits is an excerpt of my coaching workbooks for women and for men.
Sometimes people might want to answer "A. As Often as Possible" because they figure that it is like getting "free" sex and they should take as much as they can. That does seem reasonable.
Sometimes people might want to answer "B. 2-3 Times a Week" because they figure, it is just like dating someone anyways and they want to enjoy themselves with their lover and it gives them time to see their friends-with-benefits lover AND still have time to go out, do their errands, and have time to themselves. That does seem reasonable too.
Sometimes people might want to answer "C. Every Weekend" because they figure the person is just a friends-with-benefits and they have busy lives, but that they should be willing to commit to meeting every weekend so that neither one has to date anyone else so they can have guaranteed sex, and a guaranteed plan for the weekend, and no one ends up lonely. That does seem reasonable as well.
Sometime people might want to answer "D. Once a Week, Or Less" because they figure that a friends-with-benefits is not a serious commitment sex partner, and that they want to enjoy the benefits, but still keep a proper emotional distance.
These are ALL REASONABLE INTERPRETATIONS.
But there is only ONE RIGHT ANSWER
There are many levels of Commitment in The Hierarchy of Sex, Dating and Relationships.
Friends with Benefits is a STAGE 2 Level of involvement and it has various rules to make sure that you don't hurt someone unintentionally, that someone does not hurt you, and how you can manage being friends-with-benefits in a way that would allow everyone to stay on good terms even after it ends.
The Answer is D. Once a Week, Or Less
A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway.
One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue.
Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop.
If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
By Frank Kermit
Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened.
When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone.
You actually found someone that you like.
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do?
- Do you tell that person directly and see what happens?
- Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process?
- Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest?
- What if you do not know what signs to look for?
- What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect.
As I discuss in my THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK, There are a number of factors to consider such as:
- Do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or
- Do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it which I discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK), or
- Perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends which I also discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK).
There are TWO QUESTIONS to ask:
1. First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person
2. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences.
If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
When To Go DIRECT and When to be INDIRECT
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach.
The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be.
If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures.
In my program FROM FRIENDS TO LOVERS: STOP BEING HER EMOTIONAL COOKIE MAN EBOOK I teach Men (Mostly Nice Guys) how to get a long time female friend to see him as a potential lover.
Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided.
In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Should You Ask Other Friends To Help You?
Involving your friends from your social circles has its pros and cons.
Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in.
In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity.
A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages.
You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand.
Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is:
to take some kind of action listed above.
People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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