This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolution For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
 
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
 
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
 
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
 
Stop-Wasting-Time.
 
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
 
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
 
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
 
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
 
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
 
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
 
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
 
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
 
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
 
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
 
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
 
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
 
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
 
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
 
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
 
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
 
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
 
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
 
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
 
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
 
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
 
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
 
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
 
Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and
I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit

This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

The Meaning of your Relationships
Starts With The Meaning Of Your Life
 By Frank Kermit

Contemplate your death. No seriously. In order to make meanings of your relationships past, present and those you will have in the future, you must understand how to make meaning of your life. The way to start understanding the meaning of your life is to contemplate your death.

Until you come to grips with the cold fact that your time in this life is finite, and that at some point, you and everyone you know will be dead, the meaning of your life may forever elude you.

We cannot predict how and when we will die, but we do have a measure of control on how we choose to live day-to-day. It is not always easy to take action day-to-day making meaning of your life, especially if you have not decided on the end goal. The end goal of course is not to plan your death, nor is it to hope to live forever. The end goal is to have lived your life with the meanings you have assigned to it during the earlier stages of your life.

Envision the epitaph on your gravesite. What does it say? Great parent and spouse? Beloved Companion? A friend to everyone? Of the biggest heart? Forever remembered? In making the decision of your epitaph, you are in fact setting the goal for how you will live your life. It is the motivation source to make certain that many of your day-to-day actions reflect the way you want to be remembered.

Next step is to consider what you would want stated in your eulogy. Whatever it is that you want mentioned in your eulogy is synonymous with your life’s goals. The benefit of thinking about it today, is that you have the rest of your life to ensure that you live up to that eulogy.

One of the more fun exercises to find the meaning of your life is to contemplate the movie of your life. What would be the title of the movie? What part of your life would be presented in the film script? What songs and music will make up the sound track? What is your story arch, and how did you turn out at the end of your hero’s journey? What actor would play you? (Personally, I always thought that actor Jack Black would make a great Frank Kermit). The movie of your life is about the core of your life story. In imagining your movie, you find how you want your story to unfold.

Some people have a hard time trying to pinpoint these elements, as they have never thought about their impending deaths in the ways I describe. For those people, I also suggest other writing exercises. These include to make a list of the most influential books and songs in your life, a list of the people and characters you most admire and why, a list of your most important base life philosophies, and a list of ways you would like to see the world change.
 
These lists are designed to help to identify and acknowledge your core values and to help you decide what actions you can take day-to-day to follow through. Most people do already have an idea of what is really important to them, but as human beings are, a little reminder in the form of a writing exercise can be just what is required to act on those important values.

So, how can a person use any of this information to make meanings of relationships? Relationships can be our teachers. Relationships teach people about their core values, what they can and cannot handle, and also help people develop and grow as individuals.
 
With each relationship you experience, you learn more about yourself, how your life is, and you can pick out areas of your life that need more attention. If you want to be remembered as a good provider, do your current relationships reflect that? If you claim to be a person that values forgiveness, do your relationships behaviors reflect that? If you believe that protecting your children from potential harm is your highest calling, do you reflect that in the relationships you tolerate? If you claim to admire a character known for being a great lover, do your relationship skills reflect that?
 
If you answer “no” to any of those testing statements, you have found out where you need to start developing a meaning for the relationships you are involved in, so that all your relationships reflect your core being.
 
There is no room for personal hypocrisies in finding ultimate peace and happiness. Sometimes the only meaning you may find in a past or present relationship is to teach you what a mistake you are capable of making and you making meaning by learning the lesson you need to learn in order not to make that same (relationship) error again.

Sometimes we choose the meanings of our lives, and sometimes those meanings choose us. Some of us have a calling in life, such that regardless of what we pursue, life has other plans for us. There is meaning in that too. Even when life has other plans in store for you, you still have a choice. You can fight it, or you can embrace it.

To check out more on my coaching workbooks, visit  I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit
 
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
 

For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
 
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
 
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
 
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
 
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
 
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
 
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
 
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
 
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
 
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
 
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
 
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
 
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
 
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
 
What's your motivation?
  
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.

Frank Kermit 

This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

How To Deal With Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
 
Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
 
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so.
 
When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them.
 
For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job.
 
However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job.
 
 
When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on.
 
If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you.
 
You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason.
 
The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
 
Buy these books now:

I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

Frank Kermit

Heavy Hearted Holidays
By Frank Kermit
 
The holidays come with wonderful expectations of joyous celebrations, family gatherings, and time spent reconnecting with loved ones. Images of happy times celebrating love surround us in holidays sales announcements and media.
 
However, there is a side of the holidays that doesn't always get the attention it merits. Truth be told, it is the one time of the year, which
 
I keep my availability to clients on a 24/7 basis, because for a significant number of people, the holiday season is not about joy, but a melancholy reminder of loneliness and loss.
 
Spending my holidays consoling the lonely and broken hearted, gives me an incredible sense of gratitude for my own wife and son, and cherishing the fact I can share my non-working hours with them.
 
Right now, some people are going into the holidays newly single from of a divorce they did not see coming, and will experience their first holiday away from their own children.
 
Yet others will realize they are alone again for the holidays, because they forgot to make finding someone special to share it with a priority earlier in the year.
 
There are also those experiencing the new normal of entering the holiday season with one less significant person in their lives due to death.
 
Whether widowed, experiencing the passing of a family member, or grieving the loss of a friend (or job, or even good health for that matter) sometimes the holiday season becomes a crossroads of reflection, and the memories of some missing element from our lives, consume our thoughts.
 
Some will choose to stay in, not take part in rambunctious merry making, and instead enjoy some quiet time nursing their sorrow.
 
Some people use the holidays as a time to make a life plan to restructure their journey and set goals. Then there are those who feel so overwhelmed by it all, they unfortunately turn to self-destructive behavior patterns.
 
In the holiday spirit, I implore everyone reading this to keep in mind that each of us copes with loss and loneliness differently and to be supportive of one another.
 
You do not have to agree with how someone copes. What you need to evoke within yourself is your sense of compassion. Compassion is one of the most powerful comforting gifts human beings have to offer and exemplifies some of the best in humanity.
 
In fact, it is very possible to equate that compassion IS the holiday spirit we were meant to indulge in at this time.
 
So if you are struggling to let your heavy-hearted holiday be a happy one, at the very least, aim to keep yourself alive and healthy through it.
 
I wish you all peace and healing at this time, whatever you celebrate, and whoever you are. As long as there are individuals in the world who share compassion, no one is ever truly alone.
 
Frank Kermit

Thank You Holiday Workers
By Frank Kermit
 
The holidays tend to conger up picturesque images of people gathering together, leaving no one out or left behind.  At the best of times, this can be true for a number of families.
 
However, each year there are families that are incomplete at gatherings because while some people get the time off from work or duty, there are others that are required to keep at it during the holidays in order to keep the systems running for the rest of the people.
 
So that this time, I want to publicly reach out to the number of people that do not get time off for the holidays to be with their families and friends. 
 
No words can truly acknowledge their sacrifices, but if enough people who are off, can take just a moment to remember those who work so that others do not have too, it can make your own holiday just that much more to appreciate.
 
Take a moment to think about all the people who keep us safe. From military personal, to police officers, fire fighters, coast guard, all the way to the security guards putting in 12 hour shifts overnight, as well as the doctors, nurses, paramedics and other hospital staff that allow for the rest of us to have a little merriment.

Take a moment to think about all the people that keep our systems running like the people who keep our water and sewage systems in check, electricity and other support technicians, call centre workers, gas station attendants, social care caregivers, home care workers, public transportation drivers and staff, tow truck drivers and dispatchers, the licensed taxi drivers keeping drunk drivers off the roads, animal rescue and guardians, news related personnel, the transport drivers whose deliveries of goods we all depend on, and the many other people taken for granted at this time of year.
 
Take a moment to think about all the people who work retail jobs, restaurants, hotel, hospitality and catering staff, service orientated industries, professional sport athletes and their support service teams, and entertainers, who work harder this time of year, because more demand is put on them, with little-to-no thanks.
 
Take a moment to think about all the people who work suicide hotlines and other emotional support ventures, and those who volunteer to help people less fortunate who spend their time over the holidays with the lonely and the destitute.
 
Take a moment to think about all the people who work the holidays that I omitted from this list and thank them too.
 
Take a moment, and just be thankful.

 With the holidays upon us, office holiday parties are underway. It is a time to be a little more social with the people you work with, in an atmosphere that is a little less work intensive. It can be a time to get to know your co-workers more personally, and employees at all levels of the organization can come together to share a little cheer.

And what could be wrong with that?


For the most part, it is a great idea. Some companies offer employees the chance to enjoy an afternoon off of work to intermingle during work hours (usually on work premises). Other companies want all employees to return to the job site in the evening, or they reserve a space at a local restaurant or other such venue. It is a nice gesture on behalf of the employer.

However, whether you are single, dating someone very new, or in a serious relationship there are certain holiday office part etiquettes to adhere to. They all revolve around one key principle: You Are Still At Work.

For everyone:

Do not get drunk. Just because it is an open bar does not mean you have an excuse to over-indulge. “Free” does not mean drinking to the point that you cannot walk straight. Know your limit, or just refuse to drink alcohol. You will have to work with these people the rest of the year. An embarrassing drunken incident could be held against you. With that said about alcohol, keep in mind that it is the season for colds and infections. Keep that in mind if you are taking an anti-biotic or other medication. Some medications react with alcohol. Remember you are still at work.

Leaving early is OK. If the holiday office party is taking place outside of normal work hours, it is OK to leave early. Not everyone has the same resources available, and if you are dependent on public transit, or you can only afford your babysitter for so long, or if you simply are not the kind of person that celebrates the holidays and want to leave before things get too uncomfortable for you, there is nothing wrong with excusing yourself early. Although some employers may push for you to stay out later than you can, it is up to you to do what is best for you and find a balance between your obligations to your employers and having your other needs met.


For singles:

Do not look at a holiday office party as an opportunity to get closer to someone that you are interested in at the office. An office holiday party is not a time to make a pass at anyone, nor should you aim to have a make out session in the corner at last call. This is not just another night out with your friends. Remember you are still at work

Do not dress up like you are trying to score at a club. You are not there to bring in the New Year in with a kiss with one of your co-workers. Dress like you would for the office, or just a step above. This is not time to highlight your sex appeal. Remember you are still at work.


For those just starting to date someone new:

If you have just started to date someone new during, or right before, the holidays, it is not a good
idea to bring your newest partner to any office holiday parties. The newer you are as a couple, the less ideal it is to bring your new partner to holiday office parties. You really may not be able to predict how your date will interact and react to your co-workers. Your co-workers may share information about you to your date that you have not yet shared which could make for an uncomfortable situation. Depending how newly you have started dating, your date could end up flirting with and going home with one of your co-workers (I have heard stories about it happening in my coaching practice). Keep this separate. Do not bring a new date just to show off to your co-workers, as this isn’t a juvenile social contest. Remember you are still at work.


For those in serious relationships:

Some offices try to involve the long-term life partners and spouses to office parties for various reasons (some of which may be to try to dissuade employees from fraternizing in ways that would be too inappropriate for the work place). If your office party is inviting partners and spouses, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. If there is a co-worker that is toxic, make sure your spouse knows who it is, so that the toxic co-worker does not try to get information from your spouse to use against you. If there is a co-worker that has made advances towards you that you have rejected, talk to your spouse ahead of time to make sure you both can handle any potential awkwardness with maturity. Depending on the career, how a spouse can support a person’s career social environment could be a major factor in the motivation to get into a serious relationship. Office holiday parties are a good example of why you both need to be on the same page. Remember you are still at work.


At best, a holiday office party can be a good memory of sharing joy with the people you work with. If you can’t manage that, at least make it something memorable enough for the right reasons. If you can’t manage that, then attempt to avoid making it memorable for all the wrong reasons. If you can’t manage that, you might be exploring your options in the New Year while on employment insurance. Happy Holidays! Remember you are still at work.

Frank Kermit

Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit

You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year?

The answer is: It Depends.

The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too.

If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”.


First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions:
 
(1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship,
 
(2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or
 
(3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner.
 
Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night.
 
One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”.
 
After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position.


If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple.


Frank Kermit 

 It's "Time" For The Holidays:
Broke For The Holidays?
Give The Gift of Time
By Frank Kermit
 
One of the reasons that people site as legitimate cause to stay out of dating going into the holidays is the awkwardness of buying a holiday gift for someone that you just started seeing.
 
Some people even site that the enormous cost of a gift for a significant other is enough to push off any potential new partner until after the start of the New Year.
 
The presupposition of course is that a gift for someone you are dating must be expensive. Although individuals may feel such a pressure, and some new partners even communicate having this expectation, there is no written rule that a holiday gift for a new partner (or a more established partner) need be an expensive endeavor.
 
In fact, whether new relationships or ongoing long-term relationships, some of the best gift ideas are centered on sentiment, not expense.
 
Your time is the greatest gift you can offer someone you love. Forget expensive toiletries, accessories or knickknacks. Offer a home made coupon for one night in, heated left over's, watching a movie, and a relaxing foot massage. If you find someone that appreciates that gift as much as you appreciate giving it, you might also be able to figure out that you have a keeper.
 
The idea of your Time being possibly the greatest gift for the holidays applies to all relationships, not just the romantic ones.
 
When it comes to kids, expensive toys can be nice and a novelty. However, with a little imagination, sometimes the box it came in turns out to be more fun.
 
Grab some crayons, markers, modeling clay (yes, that means you pull yourself from the computer, phone or broadcast episode of whatever), and let those kids teach you the magic of turning an empty box into a castle-pirate-ship-school-bus-that-flies-through-outer-space.
 
Younger kids may not fully remember everything you did or said at the time, but on some level, they might just remember how you made the kids feel.
 
On a more serious note, if you share custody of your kids, give some thought about arranging for your kids to spend time with both parents so that your kids can enjoy some family time with both of you without having to be split.
 
This may not always be possible, depending on the circumstances of the break up.
 
However uneasy it may be for one, or both parents, toughing it out for just a little bit of time, even just a couple of hours, can mean the world to a child especially if your kids are really hurting from the split this holiday season. Of course, this is taking into account that your situation may not make this possible for a variety of reasons; but if you do have the possibility to make something like this happen without ending up fighting in front of the kids, you might think about taking the opportunity.
 
Sometimes the time you can gift isn't about you spending time with the recipient of your gift, but to allow the recipient to be able to spend time with someone else.
 
A home made babysitting voucher to watch the kids to give parents some time for a break and a date-night can be more welcomed than any popular item on sale at the shopping mall.
 
Do you know someone that is working through most of the holidays, or stuck in a hospital room, someone in mourning, or living in a special care facility?
 
A trip to spend enough time to have a cup of coffee and catch up on conversation can warm hearts: yours and the person you are giving some time too.
 
It is easy to get caught up in the gift-frenzy of the holidays. It is also easy to feel that you might be letting some people down if your budget it tight and couldn't afford the nicer items on everyone's gift list.
 
Time is a gift that most people often overlook as being a valuable gift, until one day they wake up and realize there isn't any left. Make the most of your time and make the most of your holidays.
 
Frank Kermit

Gift Giving Guide
For The Stages of Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
The holiday season tends to also be a time of gift giving for many cultures. Shopping for just the perfect gift for your loved ones can be challenging enough.
 
However, what if the person you are shopping for is someone that you just started dating? 
 
Perhaps someone you are dating casually and have no plans of introducing the new love at a holiday function.
 
Perhaps it is someone you are dating in secret without any plans for it to last beyond a few weeks.
 
Perhaps you had a weekend fling with someone during the year, and although nothing serious came of it, you remember that person fondly.
 
Are there appropriate gifts for such people? 
 
There is also the dreaded circumstance of wanting to get a gift for an ex of yours, with whom you have remained friends with, or at least are civil with, for the sake of co-parenting or maintaining a social circle.
 
Gifting has the potential to be as complicated as the people and relationships we have with them.
 
So to make your holiday gift giving a little easier, here are some tips.
 
Dating someone regularly, where you see a potential future, requires some thought and planning.
 
Since this is the person you will likely bring to your holiday parties as your partner, choose a gift that serves two purposes.
 
First, it should be a gift that shows you have been listening and paying attention to what your partner has been saying.
 
Second, it would be a good idea (but not necessary) to get a gift that your partner can wear when presented to your family and friends.
 
For example, if your partner has an affinity for a particular animal, a pendant, broach, or cufflinks related to that animal that your partner could wear when meeting your friends and family may be a good gift.
 
It makes for a great conversation piece. With that in mind, it could also time to go all the way with an engagement ring (after all, it ‘tis the season).
 
Dating someone casually, or dating in secret where you will not be presenting him or her to family and friends, calls for a more social gift.
 
A gift certificate to outings that you both like to frequent usually works well for these relations.
If the two of you spend time together watching movies, then movie gift certificates or online movies to watch at home, are fine choices.
 
If you are looking for a gift idea for someone that you only shared a short-term dalliance with, keep the gift inexpensive and simple.
 
A dollar store greeting card is more than enough.  (I discourage e-cards, because they often end up in spam folders).
 
Holiday cards are also great gifts for the ex because although it is a nice gesture, it is nothing so grand that might wrongly communicate a desire to reconcile.
 
In both cases where you are no longer involved with a person, but still want to share a wish of peace, a standard greeting card is more than perfect.
 
It really is the thought that counts.
 
Just do not over think it.

Getting into brand new relationships is tricky enough, but when new relationships start around the holidays, it can be even trickier. In fact, there are even people who boycott dating just before or during the holiday season because they do not want to deal with extra challenges.
 

One of the challenges that new relationships face during the holiday season is trying to figure out how appropriate it is to attend a holiday gathering, be it an office work party, or a holiday family dinner. It is not always easy to navigate whether or not you need to invite your new relationship partner.
 

Bringing a new partner to a holiday gathering of any kind is an outward sign to everyone around you that your relationship (no matter just how new it is) is getting more serious. That will be the automatic assumption for most people.
 

Where this may get unpleasant is when one partner in the new relationship is looking forward to sharing the holiday gatherings together, and the other partner feels that it may be too soon to attend such events as a couple.
 

Although it is good to know exactly where each of you stands, especially if you both have different views of your status, it can also be disappointing to find out that you and your partner do not seem to agree on the level of commitment that exists.
 

As a coach, I have been asked if it is wise to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering and to introduce your new partner as -just a friend-. I always advise against this. If you are going to introduce your new partner as just a friend, one of two things is likely to happen.
 

The first is that people may assume that you are actually involved and wonder what must be wrong with the two of you for not admitting it (perhaps assuming that your partner is already married and cheating?).
 

The second is that those people who actually believe the two of you are -just friends- may unknowingly make a pass at your partner, in your presence, because they assume that as -just friends-, your companion must be single.
 

After all, if your companion weren’t single, that person would be out with a significant other, and not hanging with another friend at a holiday gathering.
 

When trying to resolve this dating dilemma, the issue is not actually how long you have been dating, but rather the level of commitment of your relationship. It does not matter if you only started dating two weeks prior to the holidays, two months prior to the holidays or have had been seeing each other for two years prior to this holiday season.
 

How long you have been involved is not a deciding factor when choosing to bring your partner to a holiday gathering. It has everything to do with how serious your commitment is to one another and if you are intending to build a future together.
 

A couple that has only been dating for two weeks but is already secure in the idea of getting married and growing old together should attend holiday functions as a couple. A couple that has been seeing each other dating casually for over a year with zero intention of making any sort of long term commitment should not involve one another into holiday gathers.
 

If either of the partners in this new relationship is not fully prepared to accept how attending holiday functions together will be interpreted by family, co-workers and friends as a sign of a more serious commitment, then the ethical choice is not to attend them together, until such a time as you get more serious.
 
Frank Kermit

 Everybody‘s Holiday Happy, Except You
By Frank Kermit
 
Do you hate it when everyone around you seems to have something extra to celebrate this year for the holidays, except for you?
 
You aren’t alone.
 
Sometimes, it can be a little frustrating when holiday announcements from your friends and families seem to leave you feeling a little less merry because somehow, you could end up feeling somewhat, left behind.
 
It is not always easy to celebrate with others, when whatever it is they are joyous about, is a little reminder that your own life may not be where you thought it would be by now.
 
In fact, one of the reasons that some people hate the holidays is because of how much they are reminded of just how unhappy they really are.
 
Did your closest friends introduce you to their newest relationship partner? Great! Makes you one of the last of your group to the single for the holidays.
 
Did someone in your family use the holidays to announce a new baby on the way? Great! Makes you doubt if the same thing will eventually happen to you before you feel like quitting after trying for 2 years and still not having a kid.
Did a friend of yours just announce that they start a new job after the holiday season?  Great! That reminds you that you really should update your resume again because your employment insurance is running out and the pressure is mounting. 
 
Did someone make it out of the hospital, or return from active military duty, to be home for the holidays? Great!  You have to be sure to go over and say hello, after a quick trip to the cemetery to pay your respects to the person you lost this year.
 
The holidays are not always fun for everyone.
 
For some, it is a time when a person finally gets a massive break in life and a chance to find real joy.
 
For others, the only massive break they are pre-occupied with is nursing a massively broken heart.
 
If you are fortunate enough to have something wonderful to celebrate this year, please do.
 
Enjoy your moments and share them accordingly.
 
Just don’t throw them in the faces of people that you know are struggling right now. 
 
Show those people a little compassion when you can. Invite them to join in with you, but fully understand if they are not able too.  
 
If you are unfortunate during this holiday season, remember that someday in the future you very likely will have something amazing to share, and will want to celebrate with the people you most care about.
 
When the people around you are asking you to share in their joy, make the effort to be happy for them, and if you cannot do that, excuse yourself so you do not risk tainting the mood.
 
In the long term, you will be glad you did.
 
Happy Holidays. Congratulations on your good fortunes, and hang in there whatever your struggles.
 
Frank Kermit

 Holidays and Inter-Faith Families
By Frank Kermit
 
The number of interfaith families is growing. It is likely that you or someone you know has been involved at some point in an inter-faith relationship. Love may be blind, but the challenges some couples face in inter-faith marriages can be very real.
 
According to Dr Sheila Gordon, president of Interfaith Community, religions aren’t really set up to accommodate people creating households where there are two different faiths. She suggests that parents should discuss with each other, their goals of the religion as it regards their children and what aspects of the religion they want to practice, and what they want to get out of practicing their faiths before bringing their children into it.
 
Some couples face what has been called the December Dilemma, where multiple faiths have days of celebration around the same time. 
 
Some families try to celebrate each holiday separately on their respective days, but allow for decorations of both holidays to be present the entire holiday season (this avoids the December Dilemma of deciding, for example, if they should put up a Christmas tree or a Menorah). 
 
One inter-faith couple told me that they celebrate both sets of holidays and will let their children decide what faith to follow in the future.
Some families just celebrate all the holidays at once in their own interpretation of mixing traditions together.
 
Finally, other families make a firm decision that the children will be brought up with one faith and one set of traditions, and the parent from the other faith either gives up a faith, or celebrates the holidays more privately, or with less emphasis even if the children are involved.
 
Basically, it is important for the couple to decide ahead of time, as much as they can, what they believe would be best, not only for them, but for their kids as well. It is important to keep in mind that managing different holiday celebrations and how to incorporate them into your family’s life is a yearlong process.
 
One thing that many inter-faith relationships face is a lack of acceptance from family and friends.
 
An old colleague of mine used to be very out spoken about his stance against inter-faith marriage to the point where he would refuse to attend the weddings of his friends and families if they married outside his religion. This eventually led to a lot of abandonment. 
 
Everyone has an opinion about inter-faith relations, and it may not always be in favor of the loving couple.
 
If you are entering into an inter-faith relationship, and believe it is heading in the direction of an inter-faith family, be sure you are ready to face opposition that you may not have known you had.
 
Personally, I find it sad when family and friends are accepting of inter-faith friendships, but not accepting of inter-faith romances. 
 
In fact, in my own practice, the biggest challenge to inter-faith couples is not the couple’s inability to work out the role of religion in their lives and the lives of their children; their biggest challenge is getting close family members on board to support them as they would any same faith relationships.
 
If there could be just one message I could relate to those parents and other family who abandon a loving inter-faith couple it is this:
 
The taint of your abandonment will never be removed even if you reconcile later.
 
More often than not, abandoning family re-enter that couple’s life again in the future, and it usually is because you want to see the children of the new inter-faith family. 
 
Think long and hard before you do something that will never be forgotten. I have yet to meet any abandoner that later claimed it was the right thing to do.
 
Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate!

When Love Ends At The Best of Times
Heartbreak for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit


As the holiday season approaches there are a number of things most people can count on. Time off, shopping, spending time with family and friends (including the ones you may not be particularly fond of), bad weather, exams if you are a student, end of the year projects at work that need to get done, the pressures of holiday get-togethers, worse weather, bad drivers, holiday parties, trips to the clinic, feeling overwhelmed, traveling, even worse weather, travel delays, resolutions, less day light, longer commutes…did I mention the weather? But if you are lucky enough, you might just have that kind of holiday season where you get a glimpse, a tiny reminder of what makes it all worth it. The holiday season brings about a sense of reflection for many people. It is a time, when we look back on all the things we have done or accomplished in the past year (or didn’t). And that is why holidays bring about the end of many relationships.

The holiday times can be super challenging if you have a lot going on. It is easy to feel pressure and exhaustion, as if you are being pulled in too many different directions. When this pressure hits, and you start questioning if the relationship you are in is worth it…that means only one thing: you-are-normal.
 
Holidays have a reputation of bringing out the best in humanity…it can also bring out the worst too. Not everyone can handle the holiday times, and if you are having any issues with the person you are dating, the holidays are ripe to exploit even your most minuscule doubts and have them cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship future.

It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people take the time to ask if this is the relationship they really want to be in. It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people must now decide if they are going to introduce the new partner to their family. Holidays can force issues like commitment-talk, future-talk, family-planning-talk, and even the dreaded, so-what-are-we-exactly-and-where-is-this-going-?-talk. (Yeesh! And you thought that people just drank too much over the holidays to make merry…)

And those are only the challenges if you are monogamous. When dating multiple people during the holidays, it can be a bit tricky because there are only a couple of nights that you have to spend with your someone special that have important meanings to it, and if you have more than one someone special in your life, choosing only one person to spend that special night with, usually means that the others will dump you. If you can’t bring all of your partners together to celebrate with you (and hey, that could happen), you might not get to spend it with anyone.
 
The reverse can happen as well if your preferred partner is seeing more than one person, and happens to choose someone else to share that midnight New Years kiss with, instead of choosing you. It can be easier than you think to end up alone on a major holiday. Being polyamorous doesn’t protect you from the same risks as being monogamous.
 
Think of the holiday season as a test. Can your relationship survive the holiday hazards? Is the person you are dating understanding about the time you need to prepare for your exams (exams that can change the course of your life)? Is the person you are with just adding to your holiday aches? Are you the one that is making things worse for your partner because the holidays are fueling the fires of your own unresolved issues? It is a pretty safe bet that if your love life cannot withstand the handful of weeks leading up to, and including the holidays, it is likely that the person you were dating would not have been a reliable life partner for you anyways. So the good news about a holiday break up is that you found out before you got more committed or attached.

That still does not change the fact that the end of a relationship heading into, or during the holidays, just royally sucks. It is going to hurt. There is never a “good time” for a relationship to break up. There will always be reasons to stay, even when the most important reason (the fact that you do not want to be in a relationship with that person) says that you need to go. Holidays notwithstanding, if the relationship ended, you are still going to have to deal with the heartache.

If you do end up in heartbreak for the holidays, take every opportunity to make merry and spread cheer with the people you care about (except the one that dumped you), and enjoy the company of people that care about you. Take the time you need to mourn the end of your relationship, but not at the expense of the focus you need for those things (like study time to pass your exams) that WILL stay with you for the rest of your life. The pain is temporary.
 
There will be plenty of time to focus on the things you want, after you focus on the things you need to do first. And when you do mourn, remember what you LEARNED from your last relationship. If you can find the correct lesson to learn, so that you do not end up in exactly the same situation again, that is the path of finding your relationship redemption.
 
That is the way to forgiving the most important person you need to forgive in a break up…yourself. Have a safe holiday season everyone.

Frank Kermit

 The Holiday Mistake Singles Make
By Frank Kermit
 
There are many mistakes singles make, that keep them single.  The holiday time is no exception.
 
At a time when the motivation to meet someone new to date may be at an all time high, some single people make the mistake of shelving their hearts, and put off dating new people, until after the holidays are over.
 
On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Going into the holidays, is a busy time.
 
Planning for holiday parties and gift buying, trying to finish work related projects before taking time off, and studying for final exams makes the time leading up to the holidays a period of high stress.
 
Who has the time or energy to even think about starting to date, or pursue meeting someone new?
 
So really, what is the problem with holding off dating until after the holiday season is over?
 
Well, there isn’t really anything wrong with it per se. If you do not want to date, then do not date.
 
However, giving into this mindset is habit forming.
 
After the holidays, comes the period after New Years and it is too cold to go out to be social and date. Then comes Valentine’s Day and there is way too much pressure to face dating someone new. Springtime is too wet outside and no one likes how there bodies look coming out of the winter blues and final exams again. So let’s wait until summer rolls around. Then in summer, there are so many places to visit, vacations to plan, work projects to finish before heading out on vacation. Did we mention the humidity?  Ok, and the kids are out of school, so no time for social dating then. We will get back to dating in the fall. Back to school, need a vacation from your vacation, and mending the broken heart from the loss of your summer fling, it is no time to date serious.  Halloween already? I don’t want to date in costume, what am I? A clown? Next month when all the creepy decorations come down, I will make the effort for sure. Golly, weather changes are making me sleepy. Oh gee, so much to do because the holidays are coming up! 
 
Does any of this sound familiar? 
 
If you are perpetually single, it should. 
 
Using the holidays as a way to avoid dating is just another excuse in a long line of excuses.
 
There is no perfect time to start dating.
 
The best time to start is right now. 
 
Sure the holidays are hectic. So what?
 
There will always be lots of reasons to avoid dating.
 
You only need one to start, and that is because you want to.
 
No one wants to be alone over the holidays.
 
That is what makes it one of the best times to get out there and be social and meet new people.
 
It is OK to want to meet someone new to date, and it is OK to want to do that over the holidays.
 
So if you have the chance to shake off the holiday rush, and the opportunity to get out there, meet new people and a date comes your way, go for it.
 
Always go for it. 
 
You likely spend a lot of time getting gifts for other people, so why not give yourself the gift of dating during the holidays.
 
You deserve to be loved as much as anybody.
 
Happy Holidays!

Single Going Into The Holiday Season
By Frank Kermit
 
The holidays can be a time of reflection for some to evaluate if they are where they would want to be with their love lives.
 
Many people who are struggling can end up asking themselves questions such as:
 
Why are all my friends in relationships, and I am still single?
 
Why does she just want to be friends with me?
 
Why won't he commitment to me?
 
While the holidays are usually associated with great images of joyous celebration, and scenes of happiness surrounded by family and loved ones, not everyone feels festive, especially if they are still trying to find a soul mate to share the holidays with.
 
The good news is that this is actually one of the BEST times of the year to go out to meet someone new to date. This is the time of year when people are usually the most open minded when it comes to trying to date different types of people than they previously dated beforehand for one simple reason:
 
No one wants to be alone for the holidays.
 
The pain of being alone as the holidays approach can be so fearfully devastating that some people may end up settling for less than what they want just so that they are not by themselves.
 
In other cases some people even go back to an ex and an emotionally unhealthy relationship because of the convenience, than to face the holiday season without a partner.
 
In fact, some people actually find dating an ex, even if the relationship was toxic and ended badly, more preferable than dealing with the awkwardness of starting to date someone new.
 
Fear based decision making can lead to more mistakes so much easier than most people think.
 
Here is a little exercise that you can do right now to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes singles tend to make going into the holiday season.
 
I want you to imagine your IDEAL holiday celebration.
 
For example, if you are afraid to be alone on New Year’s Eve without anyone to kiss at that first stroke of midnight, then sit down and visualize exactly what your IDEAL New Years Eve celebration would consist of.
 
Do not focus on specific people.
 
I want you to focus on YOU during those future projections. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How do you look? What are you talking about?
 
Are you putting your newly learned dance steps into practice trying to seduce the new love of your life on the dance floor that will lead to your first magical midnight New Years Eve kiss? Are you charismatically enticing someone using your new charming communication and graceful storytelling skills?
 
Once you have that ideal in mind, work your way back to this moment in time to where you are right now, and ask yourself what you would have to do between now and that event to make your dream vision come true.
 
Sign up for dance lessons? Learn the art of small talk? Pick out a venue and new outfit for that night?
 
When you have an idea of where you want to end up, then you will better know what you need to do right now in order to get there.
 
If you are alone as the holidays approach, EMBRACE it. You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can start to take action today and focus on what you can do right now, to be able to attract someone new into your love life.
 
Frank Kermit 

Mourning for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit

Doesn't it seem like so many people die around the holiday season?
 
I wrote this article after I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine.

I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral. Meeting his family for the first time and feeling their grief reminded me that the holidays are not always a time a joyous celebration.
 
For many people it is a time of mourning and bereavement remembering lost loved ones. There is never a good time to deal with the death of someone you love, and for it to happen so close to the holidays is no exception. What it does mean is that the holidays will be more challenging as people still come together, and the need for compassion and understanding is at an all time high. It is not just because grief will cause people to be sad when most people are expected to be enthralled with making merry. It has to do with the different ways that people grieve.
 
One person's method of grieving may be completely out of line with how another person expresses sorrow. If you remember one lesson from this article, it is this: Show compassion and acceptance for the way someone needs to grieve, even if it is the exact opposite of what you would prefer that person utilizes to manage mourning. Since the funeral, I have been swarmed with memories of Christmas pasts. I wanted to share some with you and also share some ideas about mourning the holidays.
 
When my grandfather died in the 1980s, I was still in elementary school, and too young to really understand the effects of grieving for death. What I remember was being taken out of school for a few days while the family came together around my widowed grandmother, and having to attend a funeral home wake and a funeral service. I do not remember understanding everything that was going on around me at the time. What I do distinctly remember is that every time I was reminded of something that I wanted to tell my grandfather, I had to come to acknowledge again and again that he was gone.
 
Other than the death of pets, it was the first time a human family member died. Although my grandfather died earlier in the year, I do have a distinct memory of how my immediate family and our extended family had to balance celebrating the holidays and honoring his memory.
 
That Christmas was a somber one. We did not have the loud massive family get together that I had become accustom too. I have a hazy memory of my grandmother breaking out in tears missing her husband at one point while being the center of attention, probably opening a gift of some kind at the table.
 
When I later returned to school in January, I was faced with that obligatory writing assignment of the (what you did over the holidays) composition. Not sure what to write given the loss my family was suffering, I asked a family member for guidance and was told to basically "make up something acceptable".
 
In short, I was told to describe a wonderful scene complete with laughter, singing Christmas songs and even threw in some street caroling on the way to a midnight mass...truly a far cry from the quiet, almost depressed real life version of a mournful holiday eve.
 
Heck, it is not like my family ever did street caroling or singing songs when they were not managing mourning the holidays anyways. Too busy talking loudly, preparing food, eating food, and then recovering from the meal.
 
What I wanted to write is exactly what happened, but for some reason it was important to that family member to keep our grief private regardless of the fact that everyone that knew me, also knew that my grandfather died (being pulled out of school for a week might have been a good hint).
 
The key word in the directive I received was the word: ACCEPTABLE. As in, it would not be acceptable for our family to experience grief at that time of year. I found it odd, but I chose to obey like a good kid. Yet, I always believed it would have been a much more interesting story if I had told the truth about what really happened that holiday.
 
The struggle was managing what -I- would have wanted to help me express -my- grief (writing about missing my grandfather and how Christmas was different this year) and what a family member wanted to help them manage their grief (keeping our pain private).
 
As the years went on, how we celebrated the holidays changed with each year. Some were marked with great celebration for the weddings that took place that year, while others reflected the emptiness left when other family members had died that year. The holidays, it seemed to me, was a time of reflecting on the changing nature of the relationships of the previous year, the loss of some of the people we loved, a reminder of the break ups and divorces happening, and a call to also remember to cherish the good news of new relationships forming and the births, adoptions, and additions of new members into the family.
 
When my father died after a very long battle with his health challenges, it marked a significant change in our identity as an immediate family. My mother was now a widow, and I was reminded of all our mortality.
 
There were a few things I left out of his eulogy that I never told anyone. One of those things is that one of his unfulfilled wishes was for him to see me get married and start a family of my own before he died.
 
A month after he died I celebrated my birthday, my first without him. With each important date that came along (his birthday, his wedding anniversary, father's day, and the holidays) it was an adjustment to the new normal.
 
With each one I tried different ways to celebrate. Some of them I spent with friends, some of them with family and some I spent alone. On father's day I made a visit to the cemetery bringing my mother with me.
 
At Christmas, I spent it with my immediate family, and had to manage my own coping method of withdrawing from the crowd with some of my families coping methods of making mountains out of molehills.
 
At New Years Eve, I spent it alone at home making only a quick visit to another uncle recovering from heart surgery.
 
What I learned is that each person copes with grief in his or her own way. Some need to party with others, and some need to spend time alone. Some need to cry out at the casket at the funeral home, and some need to yell at the people crying out at the casket because there are people who are too uncomfortable at the expression of another's grief.
 
If there could be something I hope will make managing your mourning this holiday season easier, it is this: No matter how uncomfortable you are with the way someone expresses grief, show some compassion and simply learn to accept it.
 
If you cannot do that, at the very least, please shut the hell up. Just because you cannot handle someone else's grief does not make you -stronger- and it does not make the other person -wrong-.
 
In our pill-popping society, family members may often push for mourning relatives to be sedated, not in the best interest of the mourning relative, but because the family members feel ill-equipped to manage excessive expressions of grief. Never yell at someone for expressing grief.
 
Give that the person the space and acceptance needed to process the intense emotions. If drugs suppress those intense emotions, then those unexpressed emotions may and likely will manifest in other ways (like emotional blocks or dysfunctional self sabotaging behaviors).
 
There is no -better- way to grieve. There is only the way that works for you as long as you remember even though mourning is a personal experience, that does not mean you can not get help with managing your grief. It is OK to seek out the aid of a professional, or even a companion willing to listen and who is OK with you being vulnerable and your truest self at your lowest moment.
 
They say that we each need to live each day as if it were our last. I am not a believer of that personally for reasons too numerous to mention in this article.
 
However, I do encourage people to live each day as if it were the last day that someone you love will live. If there is someone you want to reach out too, that you need to forgive or remind that you love, or want to apologize too then do it; not because you might die tomorrow, but because that person may die tomorrow. Get the difference?
 
Once in a while, I remember someone that did something nice for me, and I will contact that person and thank him or her, not because I might not be around, but because I wonder how I will feel if I miss the chance to tell them before that person is no longer around.
 
Three weeks ago, I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine. I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral but I never got to tell him how much I appreciated him, his works and his talents while he was alive. Now, I never will.
 
Understanding relationships goes hand in hand with understanding the principle that every relationship you have on earth is temporary and that unions between people end either by choice (break up, separation or divorce) or in the best of cases, will end by the death of one of the people in the relationship.
 
Be mindful of this fact when you take the time we all have (or lack thereof) for granted. Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate and whomever you happen to love.
 
Frank Kermit

 How Much Should You Care About What Other People Think?
By Frank Kermit
 
There will be times when we want to do something in our lives that is meaningful to us. It could be a decision related to abandoning education, what career path to choose, what kind of person to date, changing something major in how we live, or even a new life experience to experiment with to see if it is for you.
 
Each option that you consider can unto itself be overwhelming. However, if it is something that may have the consequence that others may not like you for doing it, it can make an overwhelming option a near impossible decision.
 
With each new choice we make, there will be benefits and consequences. The benefits are usually easier to identify than the consequences. The one alarming factor in your internal debate is the fact that you do not actually control the consequences of your actions.
 
However, when we believe that one of the consequences of our actions may be lack of approval from people, it can make going for what you want a harder decision. If what other people think of you is very important to you, it is likely going to be a huge factor in your decision making process. Sometimes, that can be a good thing, but it is not always as important as people think. Over the course of your life, it is YOU, and not anyone else that will bare the major burden of any decision you make. If you are going to take into account the opinions of others, it is important to keep in mind exactly how effective those "others" are in the ongoing process of your life.
 
There are times when caring about what others think has incredibly good side effects. A teenager, who chooses not to experiment with drugs and avoids the whole drug culture because she worries about how her parents may disapprove, helps keep her safe.
 
That is a good side effect. Caring about what your boss thinks about your conduct both in and out of the office is often necessary as it can have an impact on your ability to be promoted, and increase your earning potential. Not all approval seeking behaviors and decision-making is bad. When the negatives in your life outweigh the positives because you are caring about what others think, and put their approval ahead of your own happiness, that is when you are caring way too much.
 
One of the lessons I teach people who are struggling with pursuing relationship goals is how to balance when to worry about what other people think, and when to just follow through on your interests. People tend to have more regrets about the things they did not do, or at least try, than to regret the things they did do and try, even if they failed at it.
 
When you are trying to judge if you should care about what someone thinks; when you are trying to decide if you should go for it or not, you must ascertain whether or not their opinion actually has any legitimate and actually harmful consequences for you. Does the person in question have the power to ruin the quality of your life in a significant way? If the answer is no, then really, who cares what they think? If the answer is yes, then you have a choice to make to judge if the consequences would outweigh the benefits.
 
For example: you want to drop out of college and start your own business. You have talked about this plan and a number of people think you are crazy, while others support the decision even if they do not agree, and still a few love the idea. All of this is in fact meaningless.
 
The focus has to be on what are the consequences of this decision. If your parents are paying for your education and have told you that if you drop out they will no longer support you and that you would be financially on your own and have to move out of their basement, THAT is one of the consequences that needs to factor into your decision more than others.
 
Are you ready to completely live on your own and support yourself while you pursue this new path? Not sure? In this case caring about what "they" think is important. Also note that if the handful of people who thought it was a great idea for you to pursue, but aren't actually going to help you, or support you in pursuing that dream, then their opinion is worthless. It does not matter if they think it is a good idea. As they are not offering any support for your cause either way, what they think is not something you ever need to care about.
 
That is a key understanding many people miss out on. The idea that liking your idea without actually taking action to support you is as useless to care about as someone hating your idea but not doing anything to stop you from trying it.
 
What about dating and relationships? What about sex? If you want to date someone that some of your friends and family thinks is a bad idea, what should you do? If you want to have sex in a way that you would be stigmatized for, what do you do? You balance the benefits and consequences, including how you will be able to live with yourself long term if you do not even try. It is this one element that can be the most devastating. In the short term it is easy to give up some pleasure in your life in order to keep the peace with the people you care about. However, in the long term, living for others and being self-sacrificing does not necessarily grant peace nor happiness. It is more likely to lead to a life of unfulfilled dreams and an abundance of resentment.
 
There will be a consequence no matter what you do. There is ALWAYS a trade off. That is the way of life.
 
There is no one direction that does not have some kind of bad string attached. It is about choosing the paths that have the bad strings you are able to live with. If you have sex when you want to, with who you want to, you will experience one of the great pleasures life has to offer, but you may also acquire the scorn of people who disapprove calling her a slut or him a sleaze. If you choose not to have sex to please those people, you are limiting some of the life experience and life lessons that comes from experience, which may be something you regret not doing down the road.
 
Will it be comforting for you that you cared what others thought when you hit your mid-life crisis regretting all the things you missed out on? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you choose to go after your dreams there will be people who will HATE you for doing it if you succeed, and will HATE you if you fail; and there will always be consequences to just having dreams no matter what they are. Should you still have and go after your dreams?
 
If you have relationships with individuals that some of your family and friends can not stand, you will have to deal with possibly being cut off from them and others you love that may be caught in the middle (like a younger relative that must obey their parents that no longer approve of you).
 
However, you may very well have the main relationship partner of your life that addresses your most important emotional needs better than your friends and family ever could. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Then again, you could forget that potential partner and only date someone your friends and family do approve of that may or may not completely fulfill you. If you do, and given you keep your friends and family connections intact, it could seem like an acceptable trade off. Is it worth it?
 
Only you can answer that truthfully. Or since you can't be with whom you really want, and you don't want to be with anyone else, you could just end up alone for the rest of your life. That way no one is happy, but no one is hurting...except for you. By putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, you ARE hurting. It is just that it is not always easy to detect when you are being hurt since you are not in the habit of looking after your own needs. (Ouch, those a-ha moments sting don't they?)
 
Whether "they" are strangers on the Internet who have nothing better to do than to troll your efforts and post negative comments, or if "they" are people that actually have the power to affect your ability to provide for yourself, the process is the same. Judge if the consequences are actually worth what you are getting for it.
 
Over the course of time, your consequences change for certain decisions you make for yourself. The consequences of being an uneducated 19 year old, in a closed social circle, who is dependent on parents to survive is very different from the consequences you would have to deal with as an independent 35 year old adult, who owns a business, and does not care about breaking ties with close friends and family.
 
So do keep in mind that how much you have to care about what others think will change over your lifespan, as your dependency on others change.
 
One thing is for sure though. No matter what decision you take, YOU are still the one person that has to live with the full consequences of every decision you do make, and that you don't make, regardless if you cared about what other people think or not.
 
Frank Kermit