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Setting Goals For Dating and Relationships
Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
What's your motivation?
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place.
For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying.
Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens.
When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being.
Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in.
But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships.
As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips:
1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date.
2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope.
3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out.
4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of.
For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp.
It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience.
One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals.
For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain.
What's your motivation?
This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Frank Kermit
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