The Frank Romance Formula: How To Be More Romantic
By Frank Kermit
Romance, or more specifically being romantic, is one of those allusive obvious elements. You know it when you see it. You know something is romantic when you are there. However, when trying to explain it to someone that either has never really experienced a romantic encounter, or someone that hardly sees the point of trying to create such an experience, it can be hard to explain the essence of what romance means.
During the course of my practice, I have found a way
to teach people what romance is and how to create it in their love lives. It is in a formula form, to make it easy to understand and apply to real life dating.
The Frank Romance Formula is:
A +B +C = Romance
A. (Stimulation of the 5 senses) +
B. (Addressing the emotional needs of that person) +
C. (Sensual/Sexual Context) = Romance
With (A), instead of thinking nude artwork, soft music, sweet candy, scent-strong flowers, and satin sheets, start thinking in terms of sight, sounds, tastes, smells and touch. When you slightly change your thinking from the items themselves like music and flowers, and shift your focus to sounds and smells, then you open yourself up to new possibilities in ways to seduce the senses of the person you wish to romance. Wine becomes an agent of taste, not just another item of romance. Cologne becomes an agent of smell, not just another item of romance.
The key is to provide your romance partner with a sensory rich experience, and as new sense stimulation's are added, the overall experience of being with you is heightened. So if you like using strawberries and chocolate, long drawn out full body massage complete with body oils, warm watered scented bubble baths, slow dancing to instrumental music under the dizzying colored lights of a living room disco ball, private serenading, the soft reflective lighting coming off the flowing wax lumps of lava lamps, keep in mind that they are only just one aspect of creating Frank Romance. Their job is to stimulate all 5 senses of the person you are attempting to seduce into being your romance partner.
With (B), you focus on the emotional needs of the person you are with. With women, some of the key emotional needs are the protection of her reputation, reassuring her that she will not be abandoned, and that her sexuality (and all that entails) will be fully accepted by you. This is important because too many woman have been burned by the very men they opened their hearts too.
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be held against her later on. Behind the efforts to address her emotional needs is the result for her to feel special. Usually with men, the key emotional needs are to be accepted for his identity as a man, to support him when he is assertive during the romantic progression, and to never debunk his need for sex. This is important because too many men have felt under appreciated by the very women they have attempted to attract.
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be compared to the unrealistic expectations of an active imagination of what it was suppose to be. Behind the efforts to address his emotional need is the result for him to feel respected.
With (C), the issue can be very controversial because it asks the question if sex must be included for a romantic evening to be successful. Is romance with sex still romantic? Does including sex into the equation null and void the romance? After working with singles and couples for years, I want to share my findings with you. For most people, the entire point of getting romantic with someone is to explore if there is any chemistry there to be ignited. It does not mean the chemistry already exists. It means that both people are at least open to spending time together enough to find out if there is any possibility. A romantic setting is to help that process along, by creating the mood and scene where, if there happens to be any chemistry, it is given the best chance to flourish, blossom and erupt into hardcore passion. Although romance unto itself can actually be enough for some, the majority of people have expectations that it will lead to more. In fact, without the sexual component, or the exploration of the sensuality that can bridge a couple, sexless romance can be a worthless cause for many individuals. This is where we can dispel one of the myths of romance. It is important to understand that romance does not equal love. Many make the assumption that romance equals love but it does not.
If anything Romance is more equal to Sex (well, only if you are lucky or very socially skilled) and Sex certainly does not equal love.
If someone wants to be romantic with you, and you have no desire to even explore the possibility of something non-platonic with that person, then do not get romantic with that person even if you enjoy romance. There is nothing ethical about leading people on by being romantic with them, only to reject them when they try to kiss you. That is emotional manipulation and it is hurtful.
If you happen to be a person that enjoys romance, but not having sex, it is important that you make such a boundary clear right from the beginning that you ONLY want romance, and not sex. This could potentially be useful for people with histories of sexual abuse that want the intimacy and attention, but not the physical sexual acts. It could also potentially be useful for those individuals who either have sexually transmitted infections that would like the romance but not want to put their partners at risk through sex, or for those people with religious concerns who want romance but wish to keep their virginity in tact. In theory it could work, however the reality is by putting themselves into romantic situations they are playing with temptation, and they may not be able to hold back from giving in to the stoked embers of desire. It also is not a good idea to turn on the people you like, when you are not in a position to help them get some relief from the sexual tensions that romance can arouse.
Not everyone appreciates romance. Some people do not enjoy the process at all, and they just want to get to the sex. Others feel inadequate and struggle to believe anyone wants to be romantic with them. Yet others feel challenged by the intense emotions that a romantic episode can bring about. It can make some people feel too vulnerable, feel shame, feel guilt or feel like they are being manipulated. However romance does have value in dating.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug that takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of flowing juices, and peak climaxes. It shows you what may be possible with that person if you ever wanted to get more serious.
Another value in attempting to be romantic with someone is that it can also reveal areas where the two of you may not actually be compatible. You may discover through the process of romancing, that you are unable to enjoy the same things. As romance is suppose to help give you both a little push towards moving your relationship beyond platonic friendship, it may turn out that the juices just are not flowing enough between the two of you even with the push; and although it can be disappointing, it is better to find this out as soon as possible by attempting romance than it is to let the possibility linger on indefinitely. As sad as it is to discover there is no future for your romantic liaison, at the very least, you need not waste any more time on the wrong person and can move on to romance the next potential soul mate.
Even an impersonal one night stand experience can have some elements of romance if you have enough initiative to ask for something romantic as a condition of enjoying your company. Being able to express your needs of romance is necessary to keep the romance alive in your active love life. You must tell your partner not only that you want romance, but also give a list of ideas and suggestions as to the type of romance you would respond too. In fact the biggest mistakes that people make with romance is assuming everyone should just know what is romantic and that romance means the same kind of experiences for everyone.
This is boringly incorrect.
For some people, romance is limited to candles, bubbly alcohol, recited poetry, and an expensive weekend getaway in front of a roaring fire. For others, romance can involve handcuffs, blindfolds, and an assortment of floggers and/or third party involvement. Whatever your romance needs, be honest about them, be non-judgment about the needs of others, and make all your experiences memorable.
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