The 7 Weird Words That Help Define Relationships
 By Frank Kermit
 

There are 7 certain words that catch many people off guard when it comes to relationships.


They are: Lust, Love, Sex, Dating, Commitment, Marriage, and Monogamy. At their most literal meanings, these commonly used words are very understandable. Intellectually, most people have no problem grasping their mental understanding of those words.

 
Lust can be defined as the sexual desire that someone may experience when attracted to someone. To enjoy lust even better check out Now What? Unique Ways to Cater To her Sexual ENA

 
Love can be defined as an emotional attachment someone feels for another person. To make someone full in love with you learn to master their emotional needs.

 
Sex is a physical act between people and usually refers to the act of intercourse. If you never had sex, talk to me about how to lose your virginity.

 
Dating can be understood to refer to the process of two people spending time together with a romantic intention. Check out the NEW rules of dating.

 
Commitment is an obligation that you make a promise to fulfill. There are ways to check if your relationship is commitment ready.

 
Marriage can be considered a legal status you enter to define your legal standing with another individual. Before you get married, sign up for marital coaching.

 
Monogamy is a term to describe a dynamic where you have sex with only one particular person and refuse to have sex with others.  Learn the basics of monogamy and non-monogamy.
 

The issue with these particular words is that people may directly associate a word on the above list to be the equivalent of one, or more, of the others words.
 
Even though we can define each word differently, we may make emotional connections with these particular words that cause us to substitute one word on the list for the other words.
 
For example, a person may feel that marriage is the exact same thing as monogamy. A person may feel that having sex with someone means having someone's love. A person may even feel that simply dating someone for a few casual coffee dates automatically implies a deep commitment. A person may assume that the more lusty attraction they feel for someone, the more they are in love with that person.

This is what makes these certain 7 words intriguingly weird. These words, which intellectually can be understood to be clear and separate, get muddled through multiple shades of gray on deeper emotional levels.
 
It is the realistic person that does not assume commitment when dating, until that commitment is earned and publicly stated. It is the emotionally mature lover that grasps that having sex or lust for someone is not necessarily an expression of any loving attachment beyond the attraction nor physical act. It is the millions of happily married couples in the swinger lifestyle who will attest that being married does not equate monogamy.
 
The understanding that each of these words is unique and separate from the other words is a key ingredient to the beginning stages of getting your love life in order. It is a part of the self-actualization process and achieving clarity in relationships that a person must come to terms that each word does not mean exactly the same thing as any of those other words.
 
One of the best ways to fully grasp this first step concept is to ask yourself if you can experience any one of those terms, without experiencing any other of those terms. For example, is it possible to be in a marriage that is devoid of lust, love, sex, having dated, commitment, or monogamy? The answer of course is yes.
 
There are loveless marriages, sexless marriages, arranged marriages that never involved dating, marriages of convenience where the couple are married but simply are not commitment to each other beyond some kind of materialist exchange, and there are married couples that are non-monogamous where the couple, individually or together as a couple, engage in open consensual sex with other people.
 
This is not about infidelity nor cheating, as there is neither deception nor lying, as both partners of the couple are involved and consenting in the extra-marital sex. Marriage can exist completely independently of all those other terms.
 
This is an example of the clarity that is required to properly handle your relationship mismanagement behaviors. If you want to fully figure out where you might be making incorrect word associations when it comes to your relationship expectations, go through each word and write out if the one word could exist without any of the other words in association. This exercise can be a revelation to some people, and reality shattering for others.
 
You must never assume that other people will interpret those 7 words the same way you do; that is what makes them weird. These words are some of the most commonly misunderstood words when wrangling with relationships, and at the same time these are the same words that are significantly used in correlations to define what is a relationship.
 
If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks

For Men:  I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK

For Women: 
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK

Learn the Complete  The Emotional Needs Mastery System


Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video

Tantra Sex …Squirrel!
by Viktoria,
Self-Empowerment Coach & Sacred Sensuality Tantra Teacher
 
Tantra Sex …visions of entwined bodies in ecstasy.
 
Feeding upon each others energetic being. Burning passion residing, riding, acquiescing. Table for two. Please and thank, you. Perceived misconception of what is envisioned, seduced by this bright shiny object of lustful positions… squirrel!
 
 
There are a few versions of what Tantra Sex is.
 

One version in the Western world describes this dynamic “word duo” as incredible mind blowing, long lasting, firm sex. The kind of sex that is known as epic-euphoric! The ability to become multi-orgasmic. A carved-out time and space where you experience rolling waves of passionate physical pleasure, that last for hours.
 

The other version describes Tantra Sex as a spiritual oneness, sex as medicine, a healing modality, designed to transform human consciousness, to remove the veils of suffering, to become enlightened, a lifestyle path of yoga, the ability to weave light, sound, with form. Mindful awareness within a relaxed focus of your energy and physical body as one. Choosing to create conscious sacred sensual and sexual connection with yourself, another, and the universe.
 
 
Is one right and the other wrong?
 
The answer is, YES to the two versions described.
 
There is a catch. They are part of the same coin.
 
Taught individually to each person; masculine and feminine formed bodies. Each one mastering their mindful awareness, learning to weave light, sound, and form together on their own with meditation, movement of form; breath, energy, and pleasure. This in turn allows for you to make magic happen on your own first and then you are ready to jam and make different magic with another.
 
 
It’s the 21st century and we continue to be conditioned by certain models of sex; The first version of Tantra played up to entice and seduce you into the quick fix. Leaving you, feeling empty and alone, playing out “the never satisfied” loop.
 
Be inquisitive, curious, have the spirit of wonder and seek out the right Tantra for you. It must resonate with your sense of who you are and where you want to be.
 
I lean towards the entire package of Tantra as the benefits out way one side of the coin versus the other.
 
Do you want to be open to the possibilities of having your cake and eating too?
 
Break through blocks to bliss and enjoy a more ecstatic orgasmic state of being. Learn to remove blocks to your bliss. Cultivate sexual energy to expand your health, connection, and intimacy with self and other. Nourish your life force energy and consciously embody your heart and mind.
 
Experience more pleasure, presence, and passion in all areas of your life. Tap into your sexual healing energy. Release and transmute that which does not serve you. Become a more confident lover. Improve the quality of intimacy with yourself and partner. Weave the sensual, sexual and sacred into your everyday. Feel more connected to yourself, other and life itself in Techni-colour and surround sound.
 
Welcome and be celebrated on your Tantra path.
 
Viktoria of Playfulloving.com
Self-Empowerment Coach & Sacred Sensuality Tantra Teacher

This is a contributed post.

What is a Relationship?
By Frank Kermit
 
Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?"

This is a harder question to answer than most people think.

In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle.
 
So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy.
 
What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion.
 
An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship.
 
A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you.
 
That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society.
 
Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries.

You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship.

The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect.
 
A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person.
 
If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery.

Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks

For Men:  I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK

For Women: 
I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK

Learn the Complete  The Emotional Needs Mastery System


Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video

Top 3 Reasons To Sleep With A Younger Man A-sap
Guest Post by Anna Jorgensen, Wingmam

An Older Woman Should Sleep With A Younger Man
—Here’s Why


Even after I managed to find a man who wanted to marry me with all my self-perceived physical—and real personality—flaws, I wasn’t yet over self-esteem so low you’d step on it.


Every woman has an area they feel “less than” about, whether it’s body image, financial status, smarts or sex appeal, we’ve all got something we wish was “better” about us.


It’s still commonly accepted for an older man to sleep with (or be with) a younger woman, but for an older woman to sleep with a younger man, well, there’s still a few hushed words heard over that role reversal.


My husband was 16 years older than me and a good man. He adored me. But…


In my case, I was so insecure--


How insecure?--


I was sooo insecure… I took the CD covers out of their cases if they contained a sexy woman’s image.


Celine Dion? Bye. Shania Twain? So gone!


I was sooo insecure that even after a dozen years with my husband I still felt uncomfortable getting undressed in front of him.


And even though my husband was, and still is, a good man, he couldn’t (and didn’t try) to “fix me.” I had to do that part. Ultimately, that part didn’t happen until after we divorced.


The next guy I met was 11 years younger than me and the model of fitness and hotness and, having let myself slide in the hot bod department during my marriage, I didn’t feel sexy at all.


For whatever reason, he desired me anyway.


At first I tried to think of all the reasons to sleep with a younger man, like if I could rationalize it to myself I’d somehow build confidence overnight.


But then I thought, “This was my do (him) or die” moment.


I was at the climax (pun) of my own movie where I could step up and become the heroine—or slink back to the rest of my life feeling like a loser.


I said, “F’ it!” and went for it. Him.


I acted “as if” I was secure and hot and worthy and sexy AF.


I got naked in the middle of the day in broad daylight.


I didn’t body shame myself or restrict my movements to hide my flaws.


I didn’t ask for validation and I didn’t make apologies.


And doing this was one of the first and biggest steps I took to conquering low self-esteem.


Now, I’m Wonder Woman, at least in my own mind, no longer wondering if I’m good enough but instead courageous and empowered—plus there’s the whole cape accessory!


So, if you’ve ever wondered why an older woman should sleep with a younger man…


Top 3 Reasons An Older Woman Should Sleep With A Younger Man A-sap

1.     Virility. Bam! As in: bam, bam, thank you ma’am.
2.     Boosts naked-self esteem.
3.     Teach a young dog some new tricks.

If you feel so inclined, just do it (him)!


Anna Jorgensen is a dating coach for men in Vancouver, Canada and founder of www.Wingmam.com. She offers online programs (for men and women) on how to understand the opposite sex, get sexy and find love.

Tribute to Bill Paxton 1955-2017

I liked Bill Paxton as an actor. He was known for many roles in many iconic movies such as The Terminator (1984), Weird Science (1985), Aliens (1986), Predator 2 (1990), True Lies (1994), Apollo 13 (1995), Twister (1996), and Titanic (1997).

But it was the TV show Big Love that solidified my fandom of Bill Paxton.

Big Love is an American television drama series with the intent of creating a fair, non-judgmental portrayal of polygamy in America that aired on HBO between March 2006 and March 2011. The show is about a fictional fundamentalist Mormon family in Utah that practices polygamy.  Big Love was a success for HBO, running for five seasons before concluding its run on March 20, 2011.  It is one of the few TV series that my wife and I own on DVD.

Big Love received widespread critical acclaim, and earned several major awards and nominations throughout its run. The series left behind a legacy as one of television's most complex studies of American family life. It has been the subject of seminal pieces in top academic journals, including the Columbia Law Review, Law and Contemporary Problems, and Michigan Journal of Gender & Law. Several publications listed the series' first three seasons as among the best television of the decade 2000-09, and its final season ranked among the best-reviewed scripted series of 2011.

Although the story lines of Big Love seemed almost unbelievable, the writing was very skilled and made the near impossible seem plausible. The pacing of the storytelling was some of the best I experienced and keep me interested. Mostly the continuity was on point, and with each viewing there was something new to experience as there was so much going on, it was easy to miss a detail in one episode that set up the story arc for a later episode.


On February 25, 2017, Paxton died at age 61 from complications following surgery
Thank you Bill!  And Good bye.

Here are some videos featuring Bill Paton:

This past week was the 55th birthday of Steve Irwin The Crocodile Hunter. Steve Irwin, a wildlife expert, was 44 when he died in 2006 after a stingray barb pierced his heart.

I remember his passion for his work with dangerous animals, I remember his infectious enthusiasm...but what I think I will remember the most was how Steve got so many people to cheer for the snake.

No kidding.  I remember how people would react while watching the show, and how people started to cheer for the snake in the hopes that the snake would actually bite Steve as Steve manhandled the creatures.  Personally, I think that is why a lot of people tuned in...just to see if this week, Steve would get bitten.

Steve made learning about snakes, reptiles and dangerous animals a fun experience.

Never forgotten. The world STILL talks about this remarkable person.

Here are some of Steve Irwin's inspired appearances:

#steveirwin #steve #irwin #crikey #crocodile #dundee #australia #bindi #bindisue #dwts #thecrocodilehunter #hunter #snakes #rip #obit #stingray #zookeeper #terri #bindiwear #animalplanet #beerwah #queensland #australiazoo #robertclarenceirwin #bindiirwin #stevelives #crocfiles #terriirwin #TheCrocodileHunterDiaries #paulhogan

Wow. This was from 2009? My first appearance on Passion hosted by Dr Laurie Betito.  So much has changed in the last 8 years.  This was our very first interview and first time speaking. Who could have imagined how things could have changed so much in that my works have gone through a major revision since that time, and that I would have ended up a regular guest on the show years later.

To those listening to this for the first time, be kind. One of my very first media interviews ever. I am definitely not the same person that I was back then, and neither is my collection of works, nor my brand.  Sometimes a look back is part of a necessary step forward.

Purchase a copy of   THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS ANALYSIS OF MEN WORKBOOK EBOOK
  (formerly titled The Eye of the Seductress)

Learn the Complete  The Emotional Needs Mastery System

Check out the Benefits of COACHING

Is Your Fantasy Keeping You Single?
Holding Out for a Fantasy when Dating
By Frank Kermit
 

Fantasies can be fun. Imagining new adventures, exploring new life times, pretending to envision the effects of choices you could have or still can make, is a wondrous way to see what your life could be like.
 
In dating, however, those same warm, wonderful fantasies could be at the very source of why a person perpetually remains single.
 
Holding out for a fantasy is one of the mistakes that singles make that keeps them single. This is not to be confused with a person who has such high standards that he or she ends up just too picky to end their stay in the world of singledom.
 
Although both have roots in unreasonable expectations, the difference here is that a person with higher standards may have not yet made the interrogation of figuring out what they have as an absolute boundary, and what is merely a preference for their love life.
 
A person who is holding out for a fantasy is trapped in a dream world, clinging to the hope that a mere mortal human being will do impossible feats (such as agree with everything you say, and hang on your every whim, and only live to serve your needs).
 
The fantasy holder is willing to pass up real people who are good candidates for dating because of the real flaws that all humans have.
 
Some people who are trapped holding out for a fantasy may have been hypnotizing themselves for years (even from the time of their childhood) of what their future soul mate will look like, pegged that person’s career or social status, and have already planned out how they will meet, to the point where they scripted the entire perfect dialogue of what that person will say to ignite the ultimate chemistry.
 
(Evidently, a decently good-looking stranger approaching them in regular conversation saying they should hang out is just not good enough to merit a chat over a cup of coffee.)
 
The fantasy is like an award nominated story, turned into an award-winning movie with just the right mix of romance, suspense, drama, passion and of course, humor.
 
Almost brings a tear to the eye, at the euphoric climatic moment of the fantasy when the chance meeting turns into true love. Sadly, however, when fantasy comes crashing into concrete reality, reality tends to win.
 
There is no real human being that can win when in competition with an internal fantasy. Human beings, and for that matter real life, simply cannot beat a succulent well-crafted fantasy of dating love and romance.
 
Real human beings do real things like blow their nose, get nervous, sweat, and have their own unique idiosyncrasies that can be charming in their own right, but generally a potential turn off if unknowingly going up against a hot brash fantasy concoction.
 
Singles, who are drunk on their own fantasy potion, tend to remain single. 
 
Perhaps that is a good thing, as it takes a certain level of maturity to merit a serious long term relationship, and a person lost in a fantasy world of how dating is supposed to be, tends not to be the kind of partner that can be counted on, regardless of how well intention-ed their hearts might be.
 
Stay real people.


 
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This is a contributed post.

Understanding and Letting Go of Unrequited Love
Mourning The Dream:  Getting Over The Fantasy
By Frank Kermit
 
When you are mourning the loss of a relationship due to break up or divorce, or the death of loved one, the mourning process is the same. Getting used to the "new normal" of not having that person around, even if you did not always get along, requires a period of mourning. In this respect, we mourn what was familiar to us, not necessarily what was great about the previous situation.

But what happens when what we are mourning never actually existed?
 
There is someone you like. That person is special to you. You spend lots of time imagining what it is going to be like when the two of you finally have your moment and date. It is a wonderful dream.

Yet, it may happen that when you finally make your interests known to the person, that you get rejected. Oh well. In this situation, most people get a little disappointed, shrug it off, and move on and look for someone else that will appreciate him or her.

But-Not-You.

You are heartbroken, feeling the same intensity as if you had been violated by a long-term relationship partner. You felt like it SHOULD have worked out! It SHOULD have been perfect! You SHOULD have ended up together!
 
Why would this rejection hurt almost as much, if not more, than if you were actually dating and broke up?
 
The answer is that the dream you created of the two of you together was as real to you as any other aspect of reality. Instead of separating the illusions and fantasy of your dream together, from the fact that the two of you never even started to date, you likely allowed yourself to accept the dream of who that other person was, and use the symbolic dream, as a real life experience to base your expectations on. THAT is why it hurts so much more than it merits.


How does someone get over it?
 

One of the ways a person can get over this kind of pain is to mourn the dream. Whatever actions you would normally take to mourn the death of a person; take those same actions to mourn the dream you built up in your mind. Writing out the experience, doing something to commemorate the dream, following a ritual of your faith are all examples. Yes, it may seem silly, but some healing methods are silly when you are not used to paying attention to emotional core hurts. It is easy to say that we should not have created the dream to begin with; however the point is moot, since you are already there.
 
The next time you like someone, and if you have a choice to either ask out that person as soon as you can, or wait on it and spend too much time creating a dream of the future that does not exist, choose to ask out the person as soon as you can. It will save you a lot of hurt if and when things do not work out.

Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System

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Protection of a Reputation:  The most common emotional need
By Frank Kermit


The protection of a reputation is one of the more common emotional needs that are shared by both men and women.


Some emotional needs of women completely counter some of the emotional needs of men. There are other emotional needs that are better suited to one gender, which if active in the opposite gender could lead a person to seriously struggle on an emotional level.  The protection of a reputation seems to be one of the emotional needs that can be very important to both men and women.
 
In my practice, when I am teaching or explaining my emotional needs theories, the protection of a reputation is always the first I present. It is not because the protection of a reputation is the most important emotional need. In fact, which emotional needs take priority is a very subjective and individual undertaking. Although, as human beings we all have emotional needs, what we do not have in common is the importance that we each place on each emotional need we have. 
 
For one person an emotional need like protection of a reputation could be exceptionally high in value and importance.  For another person, protection of a reputation may have little value.  It really depends on things such as how important someone’s reputation as it regards their ability to make a living or find love.  It can also depend on what stage a person is during their lifespan.  For example, someone that is in a very public profiled career, the continued success of which is highly dependent on a solid reputation to keep him or her employed, is going to have a very high priority on the emotional need of the protection of a reputation.   A different example is someone that makes a living in a way that would not be positively or negatively impacted by a ding to a reputation. That person will place a much lower importance on it.
 
Just to be clear, I have often found that when helping people become more social, more attractive and even more seductive, that once they effectively learn to keep the protection of people’s reputations in mind, that it can occasionally be enough to weed out all the really unattractive traits a person may unknowingly exhibit.
 
By using the “protect-a-rep” filter to modify their behaviors including what they say in private company, it helps to eliminate so many creepy behaviors that normally have would turned off potential partners. The protect-a-rep filter is simply is that powerful.
 
A protected reputation is very powerful. It can speak for you when nothing else will.  If you are ever accused of a wrongdoing, and you have no direct proof to prove your innocence, but have circumstantial evidence against you, what works strongly in your favor is a well-maintained reputation that will speak for you and help give you the benefit of the doubt. Depending on the circumstances, it could completely absolve you in the minds of the people around you.
 
Here are some ways to protect your own reputation, as well as the reputation of others:
 
1-Be above reproach as much as possible, even when it may not be in your best interest. Don’t take bribes, don’t take advantage of someone’s good nature, and make every exchange you have with others be a value-for-value exchange.
 
2-When talking about an ex, never speak badly about an ex.  It serves no purpose other than to expose your inability to choose people to date.  Always focus on what it is you learned about yourself and about relationships in general. If your ex cheated on you, instead of saying that your ex was a cheating scum, focus on the fact that you learned you need to be more aware of reading red flags and that trust is a very important aspect for you in a relationship.
 
3-Learn how to answer questions that you would rather not, or should not have to, answer. Just because someone asks you a question about your private life or the private life of your lover, does not mean you are required to answer it. 
 
It is perfectly correct to say things like: “it is none of your business”, “I don’t talk about such things in public”, “that is a private matter”, “that is something I would only discuss with my partner”, “no comment”, “we are NOT having this conversation”, and if the person persists in breaking this expressed boundary, you can always terminate the communication with, “this conversation is over.”
 
When you start to protect reputations, yours and the people you are connected with, you will find out very quickly who are the people that would use and abuse your trust, and who are the people that would appreciate your sense of privacy. 

Those that would use and abuse you will disappear from your life because they can no longer use you to get information to hurt both you, and the people you speak about. 
 
Those that would appreciate your sense of privacy are happy to respect the boundary and keep you in their lives, and maybe even share more of themselves with you in secret ways.


Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System

The Mother-Lover Theory:
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
 

A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.

When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.

When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
 

For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
 

When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
 

Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
 
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.

 
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
 

I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.


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This Pilot was produced by M. J. Di Rocco, author of the children's book: The Tale of Bunny The Frog

Purchase M.J.'s  Book through: Amazon Canada

M. J.  Di Rocco wrote the introduction to The Frank StoryTelling Program For Dating Workbook

Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience
by Sadistfaction

I remember taking psychology in CEGEP in1979, and at that time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was on its 2nd revision (DSM-II.) I was quite alarmed to read that I apparently had many sexual disorders; some of the types of sexual deviations listed in the DSM-II  were: sexual orientation disturbance (homosexuality), fetishism, transvestitism (sic), exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and "other sexual deviations". Certainly not something you want to read at 18 back then.
 
Today Kink is no longer a four-letter word (well it is, but you get what I mean). Over the last 30+ years I have been educating those individuals who are interested in BDSM, spoken to the media, and set up a website. On it I currently offer non-sexual spankings for sexual arousal or for those who seek discipline or want a good healthy adrenaline rush that uses your bodies endorphin. (A much better alternative to drugs to relieve stress in my opinion).
 
For my first article, I thought I would give some information I am commonly asked about.:
 
 
Basics of BDSM terminology: Top and Bottom

There are lots of discussions between the different terms. Someone who is a Top does not necessarily mean they are dominant or alpha in every day life. A Bottom is the one receiving the pleasure and the Top giving. Like a massage of sorts.

 
What makes a good Bottom?

Be on time. Making someone sit and wait for you really shows a lack of respect. You can easily text as soon as you are aware your not going to be on time. Make sure you are squeaky clean in front and in back. Nothing more offensive than foul smells. Offer to help clean up after, thank them for putting in the effort and ensuring your safety. It takes a lot of time to prepare and to setup a scene. Be honest about your prior experiences and fantasies. You should meet the person before hand and give them your personal information so they can setup a safe call. Ask for references (I always offer to provide references).
 

What makes a good Top?

If you are a Top, you are the one setting up the scene and its only going to be as good as the effort you put into it. As a Top, I usually go over the basic scene in my head and meditate for 30 minutes prior. You should be well informed about your kink. Don't make someone your guinea pig unless it’s discussed first. You do not want to injure someone by trying something you have no experience in just for the sake of playing. If you’re a novice top be honest about your experience. CPR training is certainly a bonus. Our community centre offers a course once a year. Have a general first aid kit on hand and always keep your toys clean.
 
 
Review of 50 Shades of Gray
 
Most people in the lifestyle will tell you that 50 shades is a poorly written book about an abuser who has little or no concern about his partners pleasure or well being. In our lifestyle there is a huge paradox in BDSM which most people don't understand as it is the submissive that has all the
control. Like yin and yan both are equally as important. Because the submissive can use a safe word that means “no” or stop. Thus giving them control over the scene. Also the submissive is the one getting all the attention. Fifty shades may have made the lifestyle more acceptable and mainstream to the public but it promotes domestic violence,  and has nothing to do with BDSM
 

What to expect at your first play party

Of course it’s normal to be nervous, especially if you are going alone. However, you will find people to be extremely friendly and there is never any pressure to play. The respect and energy between play partners will surprise you. Most of us are exhibitionists so there is nothing like a voyeur watching our play or just sitting in a non-play area listening to conversations. There are private rooms for those that don't want to be watched and or wish to have sex (oral is most common, intercourse is rare) and the door will be closed. If it is open it is OK to come in and watch. There is also a No-Play Room for those socially awkward or if some one wants to have some quiet time or to talk in private.

 
How to get invited to a play party

Most of the play parties are held in someone’s home. When someone comes to my private play party they must be vetted first. Usually vetting is done at a previous get together. Also someone who is already vetted can refer someone. An example of a previous get together is a “munch”. A munch is a gathering at a local restaurant. Anyone can attend of course. Sometimes there are play parties at clubs downtown and everyone is welcome.

 
Do and Don’t List for first time playing

When playing with someone for the first time, never use a gag so you can always communicate, I always remain clothed and focus all of my attention on doing a perfect “introductory” scene, if they are into bondage I tie them up and then release them before tying them up again. This establishes trust. Aftercare is always important after every scene so never leave it out. (Learn more about Aftercare in a future article). And of course it’s amazing to hug or cuddle someone afterwards while discussing the scene that just happened.

 
Dungeon Rules and Etiquette

No drugs. No video or photography without asking the persons consent first. Ask if it is ok to watch or participate. Don't assume because someone is tied up that you can walk over and touch the person. Don't talk about the weather while people are playing.  Put a towel under your play. Cover toys with condoms and wash them before and after. Ask whomever runs the Dungeon if a particular fetish of yours is permitted before you attempt it. If you bring food, label the ingredients as many people have allergies.

 
Meeting New Play Partners
 
When I meet potential play partners it is my pleasure to meet for a non-pressure coffee to discuss your interests.   I recommend most people do the same. Don't pressure someone after the meet to come to your place to play. They will be much too nervous to enjoy.  Once the person is at home and in a comfort zone, they can think about what you discussed and then decide if getting more intimate is for them.  Always do a scene negotiation before you play.
 
 

SadistFaction  started his website in 2001. He owns a dungeon space (with several play stations and lots of toys) that he rents to couples or for private play parties.  He is open to meeting people who are interested in learning about the lifestyle. He has spoken about BDSM and kink in the media. He was a consultant for the Television program KINK season 2 filmed in Montreal, has been on the Dr. Laurie show Passion, interviewed by the by the Journal de Montreal (the above photo is from that), http://vice.com,  and volunteers at the Everything To Do About Sex Show dungeon booth. Currently he does Spanking and Wax Play Workshops for the local community and is the Dungeon Master at many events.  He can be found on Fetlife  (user name: SadistFaction) or his website ATTITUDES.CA

Understanding Emotional Needs
By Frank Kermit
 

Emotional needs are about what a person responds to.
It has nothing to do with what a person should like.

We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart.

But we are not.
We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to.

We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not.

And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues.
 
When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you.

If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this:
The first is to change yourself, and;
the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too.
 

The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call "settling" that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness.

However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect).

Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with.
 
One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event.
 
The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too.
 
The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have "everything figured out first".

Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing.
 
If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that.
 
However, if you are only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs.


Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System

The Secret Of Seduction is that it Happens in the Future
By Frank Kermit
 

The future is where actual seduction takes place. That is the key and secret to seduction. It has very little to do with turning someone on when you see them. If you happen to run into someone that is already attracted to you for the way you look, the way you carry yourself, or your presumed status in that environment, that is not seduction. That is getting lucky. That person already liked you, and all you have to do is not screw it up by acting creepy, obnoxious or socially awkward.
 

In fact, if someone already likes you enough just because of such factors, you end up getting a higher margin for errors in case you do act in an unattractive way. In those cases, you get the connection, not because of your unattractive qualities, but in spite of them.
 

The principle behind the secret of seduction happening in the future is that if you can get the other person to create a future with you in their minds, you have begun the process of seducing that person. For example, when talking about your future hopes, dreams and goals it is seductive to also include the fact that you want someone to share that future with, and demonstrate the role that the person you are talking to (or a hypothetical someone else) could fill in your life.
 

The more you can elaborate describing where someone can fit into your life, the more that person will build a future with you in their minds. That builds up attachment and attraction.
 

The premise behind this is that although our conscious minds can differentiate between reality and fantasy, our subconscious mind does not. According to the subconscious mind your fantasy is as real as the reality of the situation, and your emotions react to your fantasies as if they were real. That is why, each time you remember something (whether a good experience or a bad one) you may also relive the emotions of it, and carry those emotions into your present day life.
 

That is why one of the ways to get over someone is to break the pattern of imagining what your life would have been like if you had stayed together. Get it?
 

This is not some kind of manipulative tactic. It is a way human beings process information and emotionally react to it. In fact, most of us do it to ourselves all the time. If you have ever fallen for someone that you did not even date yet, it is because of this principle.
 

People seduce themselves. We get ourselves attached to careers we never tried, vacations we never had, and people we have never dated just because we spend so much time fantasying about what it is going to be like in the future, that we get confused between the fantasy future we build, and the reality that we have not even had the job interview, traveled to the location nor had the first date.
 

This is why when you are interested in someone; the longer you wait to make a first move, the worse it is. If you spend your time day dreaming about dating someone instead of making your move, the fictional future you are creating will actually make being a real relationship with that person even more difficult. You will not only be distracted from getting to know that person, you will also have to battle your own unrealistic expectations that could cloud your objectivity.
 

The reality of dating will never live up to the fantasy of dating, and you could end up disappointed and break away from an actual emotionally healthy love because you were too caught up in forcing that person to live up to the mold you created in your head.
 

Now, can you imagine what it would be like to talk to this person, find common traits with this person, share personal experiences with this person, and have this person be an important part of your life even though you do not really know this person? If you can, I will see you in the future.
 



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FROM LOSER TO SEDUCER- THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF FRANK KERMIT


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AUDIO-BOOK FROM LOSER TO SEDUCER- THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF FRANK KERMIT


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HOW TO BE THE ETHICAL SEDUCER


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PIMPING YOUR PAD

I did not know what to make of it.  I was new to wrestling (and have since been a long time fan). I loved the character and at times felt that he might not be acting. George Steele played his character of "The Animal" so well, that at times, he could make fans forget that he was actually a very educated and intelligent human being.

He was a sight to see. He did not care about winning the matches. He was there to entertain the fans, with his green tongue and his desire to eat and destroy the turnbuckles.  He was a prime example that you do not have to win championships to make a living in professional wrestling.

Then came a wonderful story line that George Steele tends to be remembered for. George was set to wrestling Randy Macho Man Savage, and during that match, George first saw Miss Elisabeth (the manager and wife of Randy Savage)  and The Animal fell in love with her. It was playing on the theme of the elusive beauty who was with a controlling partner and the endearing beast that everyone wanted to see end up with her.

This feud would go on to be one of the most memorial and emotionally tapping wrestling feuds of its time. In real life, they were all friends, and Miss Elisabeth was in no real danger, nor was there any chance she would leave her husband for Steele. With that said, Randy Savage was in fact very jealous and the friends (Savage and Steele) would get into real life arguments because of Savage's jealousy.  But nonetheless, it was a great show.

The story line came to an end at Wrestlemania 3, where Steele helped Ricky The Dragon Steamboat beat Randy Savage for the Intercontinental Championship. George never got the girl, but he did give the "bad guy" Savage some come up-pens.

I will always remember you George The Animal Steele (aka Jim Myers). Thank you for the memories.  I know that I only watched you during the later years of your career and missed so many of your great moments prior to your feud with Savage, but nonetheless, you made on impact on me, and countless others that grew up watching wrestling at the same time I did.

Good bye George, and Thank You.

When To Listen To Your Heart
By Frank Kermit
 

Some time ago, a client whose love life was a little messed up, asked me why it was so, given that she always listened to her heart.
 
After all, isn’t that what people are supposed to do when it comes to romance relationships?  Isn’t listening to your heart the best way to find the correct and clear answers?
 
In my experience, the only honest response I could offer her was, “Well, it depends.”
 

The notion that a person’s heart will always lead them to what is best for them is a wonderful idea. In practicality however, it is nothing more than an intellectual construct. 
 

Not because the heart of a person would not know, but because it depends on what that heart happens to already know.
 

Just because something feels right, does not make it the right choice to make, if your heart hasn’t learned what is in your actual best interest. 
 

The heart wants what it wants. Just like a child that has yet to mature, and allow for life experience to take effect, to gradually teach the child (and the heart of a child) about what it should want for itself.
 

Basically, if your heart wants something that is actually the worst possible choice for you, your heart might not share that little secret, because your heart just does not know any better.
 

With that said, there are times when what your heart is telling you simply cannot be neglected. If your heart does not tell you directly, it may signal something to you intuitively.
 

That gnawing feeling that there is something you have to acknowledge, even if you are unable to articulate it. That kind of instinct can, when properly active, lead you to where you were meant to be. 
 

However, even if your heart intuition happens to be correct in one area of your life, for example, a career decision, an educational path, your health management, or the choice of a life partner and future parent of your children, does not automatically mean that your heart can guide you in any other particular area. 
 

No matter what your particular expertise and where you happen to have succeeded previously listening to your heart, it is not necessarily an indication that your heart knows best for the other areas of your life.
 

The best indicator of whether or not you should listen to your heart is your heart’s past performance in that particular area of your life. 
 

If your heart has always guided you well in financial areas in the past, you have evidence that you can likely trust your heart to guide you in the near future. 
 

If your heart has led you astray in your quest to find a loving relationship and stable commitment partner, then that is the tell tale sign that listening to your heart could be the last thing you should do at this point in time.


If you struggle to know when to listen to your heart,
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Are Relationships Worth The Risk?
By Frank Kermit
 
Given that there is so much risk in getting involved in relationships, or having sex for that matter, is it at all worth it to even bother? After all, a broken heart hurts, you could catch a sexual transmitted infection, you could end up ruining your life if you choose the wrong person, and your financial situation could be massive destroyed through a nasty divorce. So why try?
 
I will give you three reasons to try.
 

1-dating and relationships teach you about yourself.

Everyone has lots of theory about what they want in a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of that theory is just that; theory. It may not be until a person gets what they want to realize it was not really for them to begin with. It is important to get as much relationship experience as you can, so that you will learn about what you really can and cannot handle. This will give you the self-knowledge you will need to make a long-term relationship succeed when you get there.
 

2- you risk getting into relationships because you WILL make mistakes.

In my practice I have found a significant correlation with people who refuse to take relationship related risks and people who have an unrealistic expectation that they need to be perfect. Perfectionists are under such pressure to be perfect, it goes to the point that they try to control every single element in their life, and anything they have no control over (like another human being they could be involved with), the perfectionists find every reason to not even bother trying. The need of being perfect is rooted in fear...the fear of not having control over the outcome. That causes more inaction through loss of time in trying to be over-prepared. Action beats out perfectionist-type-preparation when it comes to relationships. When starting out with dating, whether you are an inexperienced adult, or newly single after the end of a long term relationship, it is important to date as much as you can, and give everyone that shows interest in you a chance to sweep you off your feet. That is how you learn, because it is in dating that you make the mistakes you learn from, in order to know better for every future relationship risk you try again. I find this is common among the adult virgin population that sometimes seeks my coaching.
 

3-Because without some risk in life, you have no life.
 
There is a wonderful scene from the movie Mambo Italiano. The main character at the age of 27 is trying to decide if he should break from family tradition and move out on his own unmarried (an insult to the parents in that culture), or stay living with his parents who treat like a child. The main character is a closet homosexual, so he will never be in a position to move out of his parent's home due to a heterosexual marriage. As he is debating whether or not he should take such a risk of striking out on his own so that he can (in part) explore potential relationship prospects, he thinks about an image of his neighbor. There sitting on the porch is Massimo, a 69 year old man still living with his parents who are in their 90s. We see evidence that the parents of the old man have continued to treat their 69-year-old son, like a teenager. That old man never had a girlfriend (nor boyfriend as the case may be). He never moved out on his own. He never had a life of his own. Yes, he never got divorced, or made a mistake related to love, sex, dating and relationships...but he also never lived a full life. He just coasted through it.
 

And that is the final reason that the risk of relationships is worth it. Never taking risks in life means you never get to live the experiences that life has to offer. You can be safe. You can survive. And you will never suffer the hardships of when risks do not work out.

However, you also will never share in some of the great experiences that life has to offer either. You will never experience self actualization, you will never discover what it is to own your own life, you may not even be able to relate to the people around you that do take risks with relationships and finally you will never experience the kind of intimate love that can only result from the willingness to risk.
 
What is that worth to you? Only you know.

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How to Guarantee A Divorce
By Frank Kermit
 

When wedding season is upon us, I get couples coming in for some pre-marital coaching. This process, usually in private couples coaching, but sometimes as a group class is to get couples to ask one another very important questions, the answers to which may even end their engagement.


The goal is to build a rock solid foundation for the marriage so that when tough times trouble the couple, the couple has the best possible odds to stay strong and steady until the storm passes.


One of the components that  I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" in this process is the rule of putting a life partner ahead of your own extended family and friends.
 

In dealing with couples on the verge of a break up or divorce, as well as, separated and divorced individuals who are starting over, a remarkably clear pattern became identifiable.


One of the key components that the individual asking for the break listed as a primary reason for ending the relationship was a feeling that a partner put the wants and needs of extended family members and friends ahead of the needs of a spouse and even their children.
 

It is important for new couples getting married to understand that the number one person in your life is your spouse:

• It is not your parents,
• it is not your siblings,
• and it is not your nieces, or nephews,
• not your uncles, or aunts,
• not your cousins,
• not your grandparents
• and NOT your friends.

If you end up in the middle of a conflict between having to choose what it best for your spouse or what is best for anyone else, you better choose your spouse if you want your marriage to survive as you must be able to trust in your spouse that your spouse would choose for you.
 

In the most basic of terms, it is you and your spouse against the world. You come together in marriage to form a partnership to build a common future, a family unit, and to have each other's best interest in mind because it is expected that the two of you have already discussed and agreed upon achieving similar life goals.


These conversations should have covered family planning, careers, retirement, lifestyle and coping with any known and potential obstacles to those plans as well as agreed upon sacrifices necessary to make all of those goals happen.

If you haven't given any thought to these core goal oriented communications, you will be thinking about them while you are in the process of splitting up.


Ironically, the very questions you are asking yourself about your partner during a divorce are the same one you both needed to talk about during your engagement.

 

There is only one exception to this rule...if you already have young kids when you are getting married.


At that point, your kids who rely on you and have no one else to depend on take priority over your new spouse.

​
Your spouse is an adult that got to choose to be with you and must accept your priority to be a parent to your children.


However your children did not have the choice of having you as a parent and you may be the only person your children have to give a damn about giving them a decent start to life.


In the future I will write an article for child-free adults who date single parents and how to navigate realistic expectations of step-parenthood.


 
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This is a contributed post.