It's OK to be Single on Valentine's Day
By Frank Kermit
 
Valentine's Day can be a day of reflection for some people. A number of new relationships start on Valentine's day because some individuals mark the day to push themselves to take a chance asking out who they have adored secretly.
 
Other relationships come to an end on Valentine's because as some reflect on their relationships on Valentine's, some do decide they would be better off without a relationship. However, in all the kafuffle, one particular group is either ignored, or possibly pitied on V-day: The Single People who go into V-day single and remain single.
 
It is OK to be single on Valentine's Day.
 
Single people do not need to be in a relationship to be happy, nor do they merit being felt sorry for. There are those people who are in fact, Happily Single! Many singles enjoy the freedom of single life, and have more than enough affection, friends, family and love.
 
Being single does not mean being alone, celibate, nor in a state of relationship-envy. It is actually more than likely that many people, who feel "stuck" in an unhappy relationship, may actually envy the lifestyle of a seemingly carefree single.
 
However, it is equally important for happily single people to remember not to tarnish Valentine's Day celebrations for those couples who wish to commemorate the day celebrating their togetherness.
 
Promoting an anti-Valentine's Day attitude in the face of happy couples is just as unpleasant for the couples as it is for couples to make happily single people feel shame or guilt for "missing out on something".
 
The best sentiment anyone can offer one another, whether single or a couple, is for people to celebrate what they are happy to be currently experiencing.
 
Can Valentine's Day be classified as a "Hallmark Holiday"? Sure. Has the promotional marketing machine pushing Valentine's Day purchases, getting a tad too tasteless? Possibly. Can individuals who are coupled up be made to feel a pressure to perform some gigantic romantic feet of epic (budgetary) sweetness? I would say so.
 
Can individuals who are single on Valentine's Day be made to feel excluded from the lovey-dovey frenzy? Yes, I believe it could.
 
But it does not have to be that way.
 
As human beings, we have the empowered right to choose how we react to outside factors. We can choose to take the commercial endeavors of the market in stride.
 
We can choose how much or how little we celebrate V-day, if we choose to celebrate it at all (some people do not acknowledge Valentine's Day and elect to be loving, giving and romantic at random moments throughout the calendar year).
 
We can choose how to celebrate Valentine's Day with a partner that has more to do with the spirit of the couple, instead of trying to outdo other members of our social circles. We can choose to acknowledge what Valentine's Day means to one person does not carry the same meaning for other people.
 
We can choose to use Valentine's Day to celebrate our non-romantic connections to people (our family ties and our friendships). And for happily single people, we can choose to own and accept our single status and take pride in our passion and contributions to life.
 
Happy Valentine's Day whatever you love

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Starting Over after V-day?
 By Frank Kermit
 

Valentine's day can be a day of reckoning for some people. Meaning, the events leading up to, on the day of, and afterwards can really wreck your life. This is one of the reasons I often refer to Valentine's Day as "V-day". Aside from being a day where romantically involved people are encouraged (expected? pressured?) to express their affections for one another, V-day is also a day of reflect, where people reassess their romantic relations (or lack thereof).
 


If they are single, it reminds them of the pleasures that come with being with someone. If they are already attached, a re-evaluation is in order, which could lead to a break up and starting all over again, having to meet someone new, and go through the ups and downs (and the honeymoon phase) to the point where you get comfortable enough that when V-day strikes again, you see if your current relationship can survive the new re-evaluation. Any wonders why there is a growing trend of anti-Valentines day parties emerging to mark the day?
 


For some, starting over may include deciding to actively pursue the end of their residence in the realm of Singledom. To make the firm decision that they will make whatever efforts are needed to put themselves out there, meet new people, become more socially calibrated, develop a little charisma and meet someone they can have a functional relationship with.
 


It is not just about Starting Over from a previous relationship, it may very well be about completely Starting Over and learning to have a life with passion.
 


For those of you starting over, here is something to keep in mind: One of the Frank Secrets of Success is that you do not wait to "feel like it" before you do it. You do it, whether or not you feel like it. That means if you have the choice of staying home or going out to meet people, you Get-Out-There even if you don't feel like going anywhere.
 


Staying at home and feeling sorry for yourself will keep you at home feeling sorry for yourself. This could also mean to start letting your friends and family know that you are ready and open to meeting someone, and giving any potential partner introduced to you the opportunity of at least one date to sweep you off your feet, regardless if your first impression of that person is less than exciting.
 


One date does not make a relationship, and the sooner you get out there and discover new people, the sooner you will meet a future soul mate. If the date goes nowhere, no worries! You got out there, likely learned something new about yourself and hopefully had a little fun in the process.
 


I have had some bad V-days and some good V-days. The most horrible was the V-day that I lost one of my most serious long-term partners, which cut me deeply.
 


However, one of the more intriguing V-days was the one that hosted my first venture into a Fetish Night Club. I was alone at the time (having my lover end it with me over the phone) and figured that I had a choice. I could stay home and sulk, or head out and try something new. So I made a firm choice to try something new and educated myself about a different lifestyle. Am I suggesting that you all go to a Fetish Night Club? Nope. What I am suggesting is that if there is something that you have been meaning to try, the transition period of starting over is a great time to try it.
 


That does not mean you will automatically find what you are looking for. In fact, all you may find out is that those things that you thought you were interested in aren't really all that you had hoped. If nothing else it could be an exercise in the process of elimination about what you do and do not actually like.
 


However, even that kind of process is still a step forward and it means that you will be a step closer to finding the real you. When you find the real you, then finding your relationship true, will be a result of paying your self-discovery dues.
 


I wish you all an emotionally healthy V-day recovery!



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Articles

The Romance Formula

How To Be Happy on Valentine's Day: Be Grateful

No Sin Being Single On Valentine's Day (Single and Celebrating Valentines)

Ok to Be Single on Valentine's Day

Speed Dating on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day Top 10 Do and Don't List

The 5 Extreme Effects of Valentine's Day

Try a PolyDate on Valentine's Day?

Starting Over on Valentine's Day

How To Set  Up a Singles Party on Valentine's Day

Play the Insta-Date Game At Singles Events

Play the Ready-For-Love Game at Singles Events

Play the Charisma-Game at Singles Events





Videos

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Single and Celebrating Valentine’s
By Frank Kermit
 
It’s almost Valentine’s Day (V-Day), and you are single and that is OK. No, really. There is no sin to being single on any day of the year, V-day or not.
 
This is no time for individuals to belittle themselves, just because the people in relationships around them get a reminder to celebrate being a couple. In fact, just because people are involved romantically, does not guarantee they are any happier than those people who are single and loving it. Do not get caught up in any marketing campaigns that are designed to make you feel less of a person just because you are in-between relationships, or that you find yourself more content just being on your own. 
 
Valentine’s Day is a great day to remind couples to appreciate each other and to give them an excuse to show each other affection. (With that said, it is important to point out that many breakups actually occur on V-day because that same reminder also points out to some couples they are better off single). Valentine’s Day is also a great day to celebrate your love for yourself, and to make yourself happy for a day as well.
 
Being single on Valentine’s Day can be an adventure if you choose to make it such. Is there something you have been meaning to try, but never get around to doing it? Is there a new restaurant that you have been meaning to check out?  A movie still in theaters you couldn’t get anyone to go see with you? A gift for yourself that you wanted to buy but felt it was not the right time to acquire it? Are there places you have been eagerly tempted to visit, but were waiting for the right person to attend with you, just to share in the possible taboo? Well, stop waiting.
 
Do it today. Do it for yourself. Do it because you matter and you are worth it.  You do not need to be seeing someone else to do all the things you held off doing.  You are allowed to do it, now, today, being single, and just do it for you.
 
You always have the power of choice.
 
You can choose to let V-day get to you in the worse possible ways, and fall victim to the pity-party that has sparked so many Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments…or you can choose to be happy for those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they like, and be compassionate and nurturing to yourself, and make it a special  “I love me” day, whether or not you are looking for someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you next year.
 
Celebrate you! Celebrate being single! Just because it is V-day does not mean you have to feel down about yourself in any respect. It is a time when you must appreciate everything you’ve got going in your life, and to be positive towards yourself, single or not.


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The 5 Extreme Effects of Valentine’s Day
 By Frank Kermit
 
Sometimes people will use Valentine’s Day as a catalyst for something significant. Some of those significant undertakings can be life changing, while others just re-confirm what human beings tend to forget or take for granted. Here are some examples of the extreme effects that Valentine’s Day can have on people, and the actions they are motivated to take.
 
 
The Confessional: Valentine’s Day is notorious for people confessing their undying love to someone that has thus far been just a friend. At times it is a long drawn out secret-admirer type of communication with the admirer being revealed on Valentine’s Day.  The problem with this method is that the anticipation of discovering whom it is overshadows the reality of who the admirer actually is. The build up is so high, that even a great date candidate might still not live up to fantasy built up in someone’s mind, and makes the climax of the secret revealed be a let down.  Other times, it is a person who has been planning and rehearing a “You Mean The World To Me” speech. The intention is good but I strongly discourage such execution. This only works if the other person already likes you. There are a few people who would welcome this level of attention and reward it with a date to see where things go. However, most people do not react well from the extra pressure, and it can be a bit intimidating to get to know someone romantically that already has very strong feelings. More often than not (at least what I have seen in my coaching practice over the years), rejection is usually the response.  Ask the person out for a date on Valentine’s Day if you wish, but confessing an undying love to someone that may not feel it is deserved or merited is more likely to scare the person off. 
 
 
The Break Up: Valentine’s Day is a day of reflection, and sometimes that means that people who reflect on the relationship they are in, or reflect on the person they are dating, and come to the conclusion that they should no longer be together. As great as Valentine’s Day can be touted as celebrating love between two people, it is just as equally destructive in ending dating and relationships. Getting dumped on Valentine’s Day is a real occurrence, precisely because it calls attention to elements between the two people, that people might sometimes ignore, or tolerate. When a person discovers they really wouldn’t mind not spending Valentine’s Day together, that realization can turn into the rational that they wouldn’t mind not spending ANY future time together.
 
 
The Reminder: Sometimes Valentine’s Day does exactly what most people hope it will do. It is a reminder for each couple to focus on the reasons that they are happy that they are together. Instead of focusing on the day-to-day routine things that may annoy you about your partner, Valentine’s Day is a reminder for couples to take time out, recognize what it was about your partner that drew you in to begin with, and to show some attention, appreciation and love to your partner, in ways that makes your partner feel loved, special and respected. When appropriately done, Valentine’s Day can be exactly what saves a couple from a break up, and can be a reboot for the couple to get back to where they were on their path together, before the rest of life distracted them from what was really important in a relationship. In a time when the divorce rate is about 40-50%, I would suggest that anything, like Valentine’s Day that can get a couple back on track is an nice extreme effect.
 
 
The Proposal: Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Wedding bells are ringing! There is nothing wrong with proposing on Valentine’s Day. In fact, in 2013, the American Express Spending and Saving Tracker consumer report surveyed Americans’ Valentine’s Day plans, and found that six million couples are likely to get engaged on Feb 14th making it a very popular day for proposals. However there is a difference between a surprise proposal and a marriage proposal that a couple knows is eventually coming.  If you and your partner have spoken at length about a future together, and you both acknowledge that a proposal is coming, but just don’t exactly know when, it is a pretty safe bet that once the proposal happens, the person asking is going to get a resounding “YES”!  If you know for certain, you are going to get a yes, then by all means, do propose. However, if you are going to use Valentine’s Day as your day to surprise your partner with a proposal that the two of you have not previously seriously discussed, then you are HOPING for a yes. That is not a time to propose. A proposal needs to be an expected surprise, not a “What the heck are you doing to me?” surprise.
 
 
The Last Straw: When Valentine’s Day pushes people to utter the words, “Never Again!” is when Valentine’s Day initiates the last straw. It is what I tend to see in my coaching.  Someone has the worst Valentine’s Day they ever had, and decides it is time for a change. Perhaps they just got dumped, suffered a third divorce, ended up alone for V-day for the 5th year in a row, or even proposed and got rejected. A very painful Valentine’s Day can be the breaking point that some people reach, in order to step up and take the steps necessary to begin the hard work that comes with changing. The last straw is when a person reaches a point where the pain of staying the way they are is less than the pain involved in changing their ways. It is when you realize that the common element in every problem in your love life is you, and it is time to fix you. It is a shame that as human beings we sometimes need to be slapped by life in order to be motivated to make changes in the way we do things. But reaching that extreme point can be one of the effects of the worst Valentine’s Day of your life. 
 
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The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit

Whether you are totally single, sort-of-dating someone, or in a serious committed relationship, there are some Do’s and Don’ts that everyone can observe to make Valentine’s Day a better experience for all.
 

The Top 10 Ten Do’s:
 
1-Do tell your partner what you want
If there is something that you want to happen on Valentine’s Day, then Do tell your partner what it is.  Forget about dropping hints or hoping they will surprise you with exactly what you were thinking of.  If you have something specific in mind, say so.
 
2-Do show appreciation and be grateful
If your partner does something big, or does something not as big as you may have thought, be sure to show appreciation for any efforts that anyone tries in order to make your Valentine’s special.
 
3- Do something for your partner
It is a good idea to do something for your partner on Valentine’s.  It does not have to be extravagant.  In an ideal world, couples would not need to rely on a holiday to be reminded to show some love to one another; couples should be doing it regularly. However, if you are going to show some love eventually, you may as well on Valentine’s.
 
4- Do give someone a chance that asks you out
If you are single and someone takes a chance on Valentine’s to ask you out on a date, give that person a chance and say yes to one date.  Even if that person is not your type. That person was thinking about you on Valentine’s when no one else was, and that alone is reason enough to earn just one date.
 
5- Do make it a special day if you feel it is right
If it is your first Valentine’s together, you may feel that it is right to make a big deal of it and that is OK as long as you both agree. For example, both of you taking the day off of work to spend it together might be something fun and adventurous.
 
6-Do make the effort to give your partner what your partner asks for
If your partner asks for a card, give your partner a card. If your partner asks for you to read from a book of love-poetry, then give your partner what is asked of you. Giving what you want makes you happy, but giving someone what they want makes your partner happy.
 
7-Do try something new
Valentine’s can be adventurous if you make the most of the holiday by trying something new with your partner that you have never tried before. It could be a new restaurant, or checking out a new movie that neither of you have seen. Be open to trying something new that you know your partner really enjoys.
 
8-Do Respect your Partner’s Boundaries
It is easy to get caught up in our own ideas of what would be great to do on Valentine’s, but it is important that you respect any and all of your partner’s boundaries. If your partner is not comfortable doing something, it needs to be off the list of possibilities for the two of you.
 
9-Do Go OUT if you are alone on Valentine’s
If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, go outside, or to an event. It is a great time to meet new people that are also single on Valentine’s Day who may be in the same situation you are. Staying at home to avoid people, will only keep you alone.
 
10-Do be happy for people that enjoy celebrating Valentine’s
If you know people that are excited about celebrating Valentine’s, be happy for them.  Just because it may not be your thing, does not mean you should ruin it for anyone else.
 
The Top 10 Don’ts
 
1-Do NOT Confess your undying love for your best friend
This only works if your friend already likes you back, or if your friend is open minded enough to give you a chance.  Otherwise, all this does is put way too much pressure on your friend, and might creep out the person you are trying to win over. It is best to invite that person out on a date, rather than confess long drawn out feelings.
 
2-Do NOT try to make your partner feel guilty
Just because it is Valentine’s Day and you want something specific to happen, do not try to guilt your partner into doing something your partner is not really interested in doing.  There is no saying: “If you really love me you will.” In fact, if you really love your partner, you would let it go, and not try to guilt the person.
 
3-Do NOT break up with someone just because it is Valentine’s
Valentine’s day is a day of reflection for many people, and lots of people break up with their partners on V-day.  If you are planning to break up with someone, do it BEFORE Valentine’s day to give you both a chance to meet someone new. Do NOT break up ON Valentine’s Day. 
 
4-Do NOT ignore Valentine’s Day
It does happen when you may not be able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you like. If you and your partner end up missing each other on the actual date (work schedules, travel, etc…) be sure to celebrate the sentiment of the day on another day before or after the fact. It is one thing to ignore the specific date; it is another thing to ignore your partner’s needs
 
5-Do NOT limit yourself to celebrating Valentine’s for only romantic connections
Although Valentine’s day is USUALLY associated with romantic love, be sure to also think about those people who are important to you that you love, in non-romantic ways, and to remind those people that they are important to you. (For example, buying flowers for your mother is perfectly acceptable on Valentine’s Day).
 
6- Do NOT go above the agreed upon budget
As sweet as it might be to overspend on your sweetie, this could backfire in lots of ways. First, it may create resentment or feelings of unease for the person who spent less because of the pressure to make up the difference in other ways. Not a good place to be emotionally. Second, it sets a bad precedent for next year if you are still together.
 
7- Do Not Act Bitter
If you are Bitter about how your love life is going, acting bitter about it on Valentine’s is NOT going to solve the problem. If you are unhappy, have a look at the choices you have made that landed you in the situation you are in. Then consider your options and make better choices so that you can plan for a better Valentine’s next year.
 
8- Do NOT Bash what you hate about dating and relationships
Some people like to list everything they hate about dating and relationships to feel better about being single.  There are some positive and negatives in all things, in all situations.  Even if there are some trade offs in dating and relationships, that does not make being single “better”.  They are just different. If you are happy being single, then focus on what is positive about being single, not what you think is negative about not dating and relationships. See the difference?
 
9- Do NOT get caught up in the marketing
How you celebrate Valentine’s is between you and your partner, and neither of you needs to feel that you have to keep up with anyone else you know.  If the two of you feel fine to spend it quietly and inexpensively, that is OK. If you both want to go all out, that is OK too. Just do it because you want to do it, not because you feel pressured to keep up with the marketing.
 
10. Do NOT have unreasonable expectations
Unreasonable expectations of you, of your partner, and of what Valentine’s can be for you as a couple is the kiss of death to some relationships. Valentine’s day will do no more and no less than what you are both capable of as a couple.  Do not assume that amazing things will happen JUST because it is Valentine’s Day, especially if you haven’t taken any actions ahead of time to ensure that something special happens.
 

Check out  Frank's Ebooks:

25 RULES FOR EVERYONE- HOW TO ACT ON A FIRST DATE

and

101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY

What To Expect When You're Dating An Equestrian
by Nancy Smythe

So you've met someone you'd like to date and they are into equestrian sports.  Here's a bit of what to expect and a few hints to help you as you start off the relationship.  

When a person owns a horse or rides regularly then horses are more than just a hobby..they are a lifestyle.  Horses require a lot of exercise and are an investment not only in money but time regardless of whether the person competes or not.  Being an equestrian is in the blood, it is part of who we are.  As with any passion, it is an important part of that person's identity and a great deal of time will be devoted to horsey activities.  

Equestrian sports are the only sports where men and women compete against each other on equal footing.  That said, the majority of participants are women and most barns are strongly women majority so guys, take note!  There are many single women who you haven't met yet because they are at the barn instead of the bar.


One way to gain an idea of what you are getting into is to take a few riding lessons yourself (preferably at a recognized riding school listed with your provincial or state equestrian association).  Most riding schools offer package deals for a series of lessons where you will learn to safely handle a horse, put the equipment on, basic riding skills as well as the basic terms.  Even if you have no intention of continuing to ride, this will come in handy when you go to the barn with your new partner.  You'll be able to participate instead of being a passive bystander.

Be fully prepared to expect the following:

-The average time spent at a barn per visit is 2-3 hours.  Many horse owners go to the barn at least 4-6 days per week.  Asking a rider to limit their time at the barn is unrealistic.  Never, ever issue an ultimatum to choose you or the horse.  You will lose (see the part above where I refer to lifestyle, passion and part of our identity).  Asking an equestrian to choose is basically asking them to suppress part of who they are..in other words you'd be rejecting a part of them.

-Riders will frequently be late.  Horses are living animals and as such are a bit unpredictable.  Even a quick stop at the barn can easily turn into a several hour affair if something has gone awry.  This is normal and will happen.  Dinner plans may frequently be altered at the last minute.

-An equestrian has no problem going to do the groceries or other errands on the way back from the barn, covered in dust, hair and a fair amount of horse slobber.  Their car probably is full of the same as well. If dirt and odours offend you then you're totally out of luck.

-If your new partner competes, then expect that they will be spending some weekends (or weeks if they compete at higher levels) out of town. Again, if you have taken the time to get familiar with handling horses this may give you an opportunity to participate instead of feeling like you're in the way.  

-You don't have to spend every moment at the barn with your new partner (in fact trying to do so probably isn't a good idea) but if you are able to go when invited and be comfortable in the environment then you definitely have an advantage over the guy who isn't.

The upside of all this is that equestrians generally understand long term commitment.  Spending a lot of time with horses teaches us empathy, dedication and perseverance.  All good qualities to have in a potential partner.  And who knows?  You may just discover a new passion as well.

Check Out  Nancy's previous article on Horse Back Riding For a First Date

Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills.

To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook  

Carpe Diem! Match with Your Valentine.


Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of Elite Speed Dating and Frank Kermit, from franktalks.com, are regular contributors on Passion - Dating Dilemmas with Dr. Laurie Betito on CJAD 800. Frank a Dating Coach and author of the book The Frank Guide To Speed Dating, recently wrote a piece about Speed Dating on Valentine's day. We agree with his views and wanted to share his comments with you.


Carpe Diem! Match with Your Valentine.


This week is when everyone who is single is reminded of how great it could be to find that special
person to connect with.


The hope of finding Love gets a boost on Valentine’s Day. If you want to find real love, you have to be OPEN TO WAYS OF MEETING NEW PEOPLE. A Valentine’s Day Speed Dating Event is exactly such an outing!


Speed Dating is one of the most efficient ways of meeting a group of new people in a short amount of time. The more people you meet, the more chances you have at falling in love with a soul mate. I know that sounds ridiculous and corny but the fact is that Valentine’s Day is finding that special someone, no matter how corny and cheesy the story comes out to be.


You are not going to connect to your soul mate staying at home! It will happen by getting out of the house and meeting as many people as possible.


3 Reasons to try Speed Dating This Week:


1) You get to meet a lot of different people within the span of a couple of hours. You are going to have a full variety of like-minded singles.


2) It is a way to test your date-ability. Let’s say you haven’t dated in awhile: maybe you were in a long-term relationship that has recently ended or maybe you aren’t really sure why you have been alone for as long as you have, and you want to see if you know how to attract a person. Speed dating is great because you are given the opportunity to attract as many people as there are at the event.


3) One of the best parts about speed dating is that, you can start dating new people right away. Staying at home to avoid people, will only keep you alone. The whole point about speed dating is to get you out there, to meet as many people as possible in the short amount of time. Guess what, the people at the event are single too. So, Do Go OUT meet new people that are also single on Valentine’s Day.


3 Tips if you are new to Speed Dating on Valentine’s Day:

1- Do give someone a chance that asks you out
If someone takes a chance on Valentine’s day to match with you, give that person a chance and say yes to one date. Even If there is something about that person, but he or she is not exactly your type or does not fill exactly your list, they were interested in you on Valentine’s day.



2- Do Not Act Bitter

Everyone at the event is single on Valentine’s Day. Do not make things worse for yourself by acting bitter about it. It is NOT going to solve the problem or make you attractive. 

In fact, when you find your Elite Match you will be excited about celebrating Valentine’s day with them.



3- Be Open To Amazing Things Happening

Amazing things CAN happen JUST because it is Valentine’s Day, BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION.


Lastly, Do NOT ignore Valentine’s Day. Just because you are single on Valentine’s Day does not mean you have to ignore it.


If you take the right actions, it can become one of the most important days of your life. The day you met the person you were destined for. Seize the day! Make the most of it by finding your match with Speed Dating!



Frank Kermit, MA, is the author of The Frank Guide to Speed Dating Ebook

The Story Behind The Tale of Bunny The Frog
By M. J. Di Rocco
 
Everything is white. The screeching noise envelops me in its cocoon of chaos. Pain. Noise. Chaos. My legs are convulsing uncontrollably. Shock. Faces come into focus through the veil of white. Through the noise I hear voices. I don't understand. What's happened? I don't understand.
 
"This is ambulance," one voice says, finally something I understand.
"Ambulance. We go hospital."
 
Everything is still white. I still feel nothing except the convulsing of my legs. "Calm down," I keep repeating to myself. Calm down. I will my legs to stop, they don't. I'm moving now, they're carrying me. The white light is mixed with other colours, more voices. One saying something I recognize. "You're at the hospital. You have been in an accident. Do you remember?" I mutter something inaudible about my legs and how they won't stop. I am given a needle, I fall asleep. Blissful and quiet sleep.
 
Waking up in the friendly confines of a Japanese hospital it all came back to me.
 
I was hit by a car while cycling.
 
My shoulder was dislocated and broken in several places, requiring surgery and, my lifelong souvenir from Japan, a titanium plate bolted to my left shoulder. When one is confined to the hospital and heavily medicated on painkillers one's brain seems to work on overtime. Once I was done annoying the young nurses with my lousy flirtations I began seriously think of my future.
 
Of my son.
 
Of my students.
 
As a father and as a teacher for all the good I want to instill in kids, I always feel the world is stronger than me.
 
Once upon a time, in my young, ambitious days, I was a filmmaker. I was bent on winning an Oscar and changing the medium of cinema forever. I was young, ambitious and stupid. I didn't necessarily make bad films, but my films didn't resonate the way I hoped they would because I made them for all the wrong reasons. I gave it a lot of thought while in the hospital. I got reacquainted with my soul.
 
Certainly as we age, we come to terms with our mortality. We start to wonder what we've done and what's left for us to do. Was this me? A kindergarten teacher knocking on 40, with a couple of films nobody has seen to his name? Wow. What the hell happened? Life happened. Nothing bad, but not as I'd planned. Not even close. Then again, for whom does life happen exactly as planned? Taking a deeper look, life has not been bad to me. It's been a fun, unexpected adventure and it's not over yet. There is still so much for me to do, but now I know why I do things (I'm a little less stupid, you see) I do things for my son, for my students, for others.
 
The only way my work and life have meaning is if I do it with the intention of helping others.
 
I'd been toying with the idea of a children's book for some time. Being a kindergarten teacher I read a lot of books to kids. So many times, while reading books, I began to wonder what the heck the stories were about and thought to myself some of these books make no sense. I knew I could do better.
 
Stories are an effective teaching tool when it comes to children.
And I think a writer has a responsibility to the world's youngest minds.
 
I knew the basic message I wanted to communicate, but really it caught fire after my accident. I felt an urgency to do better, to be better.
 
Fast-forward two years:  

 
The book is finally published and available globally. Not without a long quest to find the perfect artist to illustrate. My vision for this book was very specific and I feel it's been achieved.
 
Purchase This Book through: Amazon Canada

A tiny story, about a frog that tries to make himself look like a rabbit so he will be accepted by his new friends, has traveled a long road to publication. But it's a message that I feel is important to communicate to our youngest minds.
 
Accept others; accept yourself, simple but sometimes difficult.
 
I chose to write a book because some of the most precious and effective time I spend with children is through stories. Spend any given amount of time reading with a child and you'll discover how ready they are willing and to communicate after they've absorbed a good story. Children learn quickly and when you least expect it, stories are a big part of that.

I'm knocking on 40 years of life. I had planned to win several Oscars by now. How I ended up as a kindergarten teacher in Japan is irrelevant because it's what I am. It's who I am. My stories will never change the history of cinema.
 
But my little story about the frog who wants to be a bunny did make my son smile, it made my students smile, it made children I've never met smile. It made them think, it made them feel, it made them learn. And I'd like to think that it made the world a teeny-tiny but better. For that I am grateful.
 
I am blessed that I could share a moment with families. I'm grateful and blessed because I realized that life isn't about what I want, it's about how I can help others.
 
The future, this planet, they belong to our children and we have an immense responsibility to them. They are the ones who will make the world a better place.

Our kids don't care about how many likes we get on Facebook, how many followers we have on Instagram, how many calories we eat per day or who we voted for.
 
Our kids care about us, simply being with us. They need us. And the world needs them.
 
Read to them, share stories with them and watch as they grow to be spectacular. After all, the only meaningful thing we can leave behind is beautiful memories.
 
 
MJ Di Rocco is an author and filmmaker. He has produced and directed three feature films and a dozen music videos and has previously published one book of poetry. He lives in Japan where he stumbled upon teaching and has chosen to teach kindergarten and lecture at university. The Tale of Bunny The Frog is his first children's book and is a story about self-acceptance and accepting others. He can be reached at [email protected] 

Click To Buy The Tale of Bunny The Frog

M. J.  Di Rocco wrote the introduction to The Frank StoryTelling Program For Dating Workbook




Dating 8 Years Not Married
By Frank Kermit

There are times when people will come to me for coaching, feeling very frustrated that they are in long term relationships, but as yet, are still not married to the person they are involved with.
 
Sometimes it is a matter of the person promising that they will get married at a particular point in the future (when the kids are in college and out of the house), but then once that time point arrives, there is no future planning on getting married. 
 
Other times I have seen people who told the partner that they do not believe in marriage and never plan to get married to which the partner says, “I understand”, only to have the same partner be frustrated because they secretly hoped that he or she would change their mind in a few years. 
 
Finally, there are those cases where someone is too afraid to bring up the topic of wanting to get married out of a fear of potential conflict, so they stew in their frustrations of waiting for the other to bring it up. When the other does not bring up it, the person finds themselves erupting out of frustration and having a major fight that threatens to end the relationship. 
 
None of these situations is acceptable.
 
Let me be frank with you and make it clear that if getting married is important to you, then it is best to find someone that already thinks the same way you do and to screen every date you have to find someone that is compatible with your beliefs.

In today’s society the resistance to getting married actually makes sense. Depending on your income level (the higher income partner risks alimony and child support payments), your status (if you are previously divorced and financial compromised), and your history of being a lousy judge of character, or a repeating behavior pattern of self-sabotage, then the risks of getting married can be very real. Not everyone aims to get married, even if they want to date, live together and even have children.

If you happen to be dating someone that tells you that they will marry you once a certain point of time happens, it comes down to whether or not you trust your own judge of character if you believe the person. I often mention that even if you have to wait for marriage, you do not necessarily have to wait to get engaged.  This conversation tends to lead to any others reasons that someone might be holding back, and can be a very effective tool to finding out if the person means it, or is just using it as an excuse. 

The bottom line is this: If you want to get married by a certain deadline, be sure to communicate that deadline to the person you are involved with. There is nothing wrong nor demanding in saying that if you are not married by (insert # of years of being together) then you will end the relationship. The key is to stick by your own words when you issue any ultimatum. If you do not stick by your own ultimatums, then why should your partner take you seriously about anything else you might claim is important to you?  You cannot have it both ways. You cannot complain that something you want is not happening and then refuse to take action when what is so important to you is not being fulfilled.

Speak up for yourself, and be clear about your needs and expectations. Otherwise, you will not get what you want, and the only person you can blame is yourself.
 
 

To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships and learn where and how marriage fits in: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks

For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time
 

A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit
 
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
 
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
 
I did not like that idea.  Why try to hide and manipulate anyone?  Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me.  I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
 
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
 
They agreed!  None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too. 
 
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night  (Especially from the restaurant staff).
 
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
 
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
 
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally.  It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day.   Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
 
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days.  My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly. 
 
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
 
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea.  In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
 
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
 
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it?  I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”.  You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen.  That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.





To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks
For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time

To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer

To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition

To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy

To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY

The Frank Romance Formula:  How To Be More Romantic
By Frank Kermit
 
Romance, or more specifically being romantic, is one of those allusive obvious elements. You know it when you see it. You know something is romantic when you are there. However, when trying to explain it to someone that either has never really experienced a romantic encounter, or someone that hardly sees the point of trying to create such an experience, it can be hard to explain the essence of what romance means.
 
During the course of my practice, I have found a way
to teach people what romance is and how to create it in their love lives. It is in a formula form, to make it easy to understand and apply to real life dating.
 
The Frank Romance Formula is:
 
A +B +C = Romance
 
A. (Stimulation of the 5 senses)  +
B. (Addressing the emotional needs of that person) +
C. (Sensual/Sexual Context) =     Romance
 


With (A), instead of thinking nude artwork, soft music, sweet candy, scent-strong flowers, and satin sheets, start thinking in terms of sight, sounds, tastes, smells and touch. When you slightly change your thinking from the items themselves like music and flowers, and shift your focus to sounds and smells, then you open yourself up to new possibilities in ways to seduce the senses of the person you wish to romance. Wine becomes an agent of taste, not just another item of romance. Cologne becomes an agent of smell, not just another item of romance.
 
The key is to provide your romance partner with a sensory rich experience, and as new sense stimulation's are added, the overall experience of being with you is heightened. So if you like using strawberries and chocolate, long drawn out full body massage complete with body oils, warm watered scented bubble baths, slow dancing to instrumental music under the dizzying colored lights of a living room disco ball, private serenading, the soft reflective lighting coming off the flowing wax lumps of lava lamps, keep in mind that they are only just one aspect of creating Frank Romance. Their job is to stimulate all 5 senses of the person you are attempting to seduce into being your romance partner.

 
With (B), you focus on the emotional needs of the person you are with. With women, some of the key emotional needs are the protection of her reputation, reassuring her that she will not be abandoned, and that her sexuality (and all that entails) will be fully accepted by you. This is important because too many woman have been burned by the very men they opened their hearts too.
 
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be held against her later on. Behind the efforts to address her emotional needs is the result for her to feel special. Usually with men, the key emotional needs are to be accepted for his identity as a man, to support him when he is assertive during the romantic progression, and to never debunk his need for sex. This is important because too many men have felt under appreciated by the very women they have attempted to attract.
 
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be compared to the unrealistic expectations of an active imagination of what it was suppose to be. Behind the efforts to address his emotional need is the result for him to feel respected.
 

With (C), the issue can be very controversial because it asks the question if sex must be included for a romantic evening to be successful. Is romance with sex still romantic? Does including sex into the equation null and void the romance? After working with singles and couples for years, I want to share my findings with you. For most people, the entire point of getting romantic with someone is to explore if there is any chemistry there to be ignited. It does not mean the chemistry already exists. It means that both people are at least open to spending time together enough to find out if there is any possibility. A romantic setting is to help that process along, by creating the mood and scene where, if there happens to be any chemistry, it is given the best chance to flourish, blossom and erupt into hardcore passion. Although romance unto itself can actually be enough for some, the majority of people have expectations that it will lead to more. In fact, without the sexual component, or the exploration of the sensuality that can bridge a couple, sexless romance can be a worthless cause for many individuals. This is where we can dispel one of the myths of romance. It is important to understand that romance does not equal love. Many make the assumption that romance equals love but it does not.
 

If anything Romance is more equal to Sex (well, only if you are lucky or very socially skilled) and Sex certainly does not equal love.

If someone wants to be romantic with you, and you have no desire to even explore the possibility of something non-platonic with that person, then do not get romantic with that person even if you enjoy romance. There is nothing ethical about leading people on by being romantic with them, only to reject them when they try to kiss you. That is emotional manipulation and it is hurtful.
 
If you happen to be a person that enjoys romance, but not having sex, it is important that you make such a boundary clear right from the beginning that you ONLY want romance, and not sex. This could potentially be useful for people with histories of sexual abuse that want the intimacy and attention, but not the physical sexual acts. It could also potentially be useful for those individuals who either have sexually transmitted infections that would like the romance but not want to put their partners at risk through sex, or for those people with religious concerns who want romance but wish to keep their virginity in tact. In theory it could work, however the reality is by putting themselves into romantic situations they are playing with temptation, and they may not be able to hold back from giving in to the stoked embers of desire. It also is not a good idea to turn on the people you like, when you are not in a position to help them get some relief from the sexual tensions that romance can arouse.
 
Not everyone appreciates romance. Some people do not enjoy the process at all, and they just want to get to the sex. Others feel inadequate and struggle to believe anyone wants to be romantic with them. Yet others feel challenged by the intense emotions that a romantic episode can bring about. It can make some people feel too vulnerable, feel shame, feel guilt or feel like they are being manipulated. However romance does have value in dating.
 
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug that takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of flowing juices, and peak climaxes. It shows you what may be possible with that person if you ever wanted to get more serious.
 
Another value in attempting to be romantic with someone is that it can also reveal areas where the two of you may not actually be compatible. You may discover through the process of romancing, that you are unable to enjoy the same things. As romance is suppose to help give you both a little push towards moving your relationship beyond platonic friendship, it may turn out that the juices just are not flowing enough between the two of you even with the push; and although it can be disappointing, it is better to find this out as soon as possible by attempting romance than it is to let the possibility linger on indefinitely. As sad as it is to discover there is no future for your romantic liaison, at the very least, you need not waste any more time on the wrong person and can move on to romance the next potential soul mate.
 
Even an impersonal one night stand experience can have some elements of romance if you have enough initiative to ask for something romantic as a condition of enjoying your company. Being able to express your needs of romance is necessary to keep the romance alive in your active love life. You must tell your partner not only that you want romance, but also give a list of ideas and suggestions as to the type of romance you would respond too. In fact the biggest mistakes that people make with romance is assuming everyone should just know what is romantic and that romance means the same kind of experiences for everyone.
 
This is boringly incorrect.
 
For some people, romance is limited to candles, bubbly alcohol, recited poetry, and an expensive weekend getaway in front of a roaring fire. For others, romance can involve handcuffs, blindfolds, and an assortment of floggers and/or third party involvement. Whatever your romance needs, be honest about them, be non-judgment about the needs of others, and make all your experiences memorable.

Click on the link to buy a copy of the book FRANKTALKS VOLUME 1: 100 ARTICLES ON LOVE, SEX, DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Dating Your Ex
By Frank Kermit

Anybody who has ever been in love, has at some point, thought about dating an ex. It is certainly easier to date an ex you have history with, than to date new people and have to face all the awkwardness that comes with having new romantic experiences with a new person for the first time. With an ex, it is “been there, done there”, and it is easier to get comfortable again really fast.  As a mentor of mine used to tell me, when you break up from the warm comfortable embrace of a familiar relationship, and enter the Realm of Singledom, people find out very quickly that it is cold out there, and all those things that annoyed you about your ex, don’t seem to be as bad as you thought anymore.

We all have to be careful with that kind of thinking. It’s a trap.

It is important that we all remember that someone is an ex for a reason.  There was something about the two of you that did not work. That is why you ended up as an ex.

With that said, there are times when it can work when dating an ex. Some people make the effort to work it out because they have children together, and are highly motivated to find some means of compromise. Others come to better appreciate what an ex had to offer, but only after experiencing less than pleasant dating experiences with others. For example, a partner that bored you might be someone you better appreciate after dating someone more exciting who also really ruined your life. It is unfortunate that it may require a horrible experience to make people realize how good they had it. Yet, even if your ex was the best relationship you ever had, that still does not mean you should go back and attempt to date an ex, because it still is likely not to work out.

The key to know if you should date an ex again is to be able to discern exactly what it was that broke the two of you up, and whether or not that particular issue still exists.  For example, if the only reason you and your ex broke up was because one of your families disapproved of the others partner choice, then getting back together will not work out, unless the person who was unduly influence by family has changed and set boundaries with family to never let the family have any influence ever again on any major decisions involving life choices.  If the thing that broke you and your ex up has not been changed or resolved, the two of you are likely to keep breaking up again.

It is OK to still love an ex; it really is. We are human, and are emotions are what they are. Just because you have proven to be romantically incompatible does not mean you automatically shut your feelings off for a person.  However, how you feel about a person is simply not enough to make a long-term relationship work. It is one of the saddest lessons of self-awareness.
 
If you are stuck on an ex, and want to be able to move on and find new love with new people,
check out and sign up for an hour of Frank Coaching

Age Gap Relationships
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.

May-December, Age Gap Relationships
 Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview. 

Passion - Age Gap Relationships
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships

Part of  Bell Let's Talk

Dating Dilemmas 78, this is Frank Kermit's 119th appearance on the Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.

How do you tell the person you dating that you have a mental illness?
Should you hold off from dating if you have a mental illness?
What if your partner starts to exhibit signs of mental illness?
Should you talk about it during speed dating?

This is a contributed post.

To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
How to Host A Singles Party
By Frank Kermit
 
I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
 
With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet.
 
Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives.  This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different.  When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it.  Here is what you need to do:
 
Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting.  A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with.  Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given. 
 
The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with.
 
The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character.
 
As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out.  (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests).
 
In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced.
 
The result?  We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests.  No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list. 
 
Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending.
 
The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties. 
 
How’s that for success?
 
So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date. 
 
Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love. 


To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK

Dating a Man With Kids, and Stuff About Penguins
By Avi Tanny
 
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"

This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.

I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.

To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
 
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
 
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
 
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.

Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
 
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
 
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
 
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
 
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
 
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
 
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
 
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
 
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
 
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
 
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
 
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
 
 
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at  [email protected]

Socializing With An Autistic Person :  Things to keep in mind
by Remrov
Published February 3, 2017, and Updated March 31, 2018

My name is Remrov and I have classic autism.

When I write about autism I always start by saying that no autistic person is the same, but we do have a lot of difficulties in common. More and more people are diagnosed with autism lately. I believe that this is not because there are more autistic people than twenty years ago, but there’s a lot more knowledge about it, so it's recognized a lot easier.

I see it as a good thing that more people are being diagnosed, because they don’t have to go through life wondering why everything is such a struggle for them, like I have been doing the first twenty-one years of my life.

There's a big chance that you have, or will have, an autistic person in your social network, and when socializing with that person it is good to keep a few things in mind.

Socializing in the first place can be very difficult for autistic people. This has a few different reasons.

The first reason is communicating. Communicating doesn’t go automatically with many autistic people. Many of us are image thinkers. In our minds we have to translate spoken words into images, so that we understand what you are saying. When we communicate back to you we have to do the same. This can take some time, and it's also tiring. It’s good to have a bit more patience when talking to an autistic person.

Another reason why socializing can be difficult is sensory sensitivity. Many autistic people struggle with sensory issues. All kinds of sensory input from our environment come in extremely hard and all at the same time. We can't filter out sensory information that is important to us. Every detail of sensory input is just as important, and processing everything all at once can be extremely overwhelming.

Let me take a dinner party as an example:

A dinner party is something that I haven’t been part of very often, because I find it too difficult. During a dinner party there can be many people present. And the more people there are, the more conversations go on at the same time. When I’m in a big group, it's almost impossible to have a conversation myself. I hear all the other conversations just as loud, and I can’t filter out the voice of the person I am talking too.

In a situation like this you might notice that an autistic person won’t say anything, or won’t interact with anybody. This is not because we don’t want to have a conversation, but it’s too difficult for many of us.
 
It's good to be aware of this and try to keep your voices down a bit, or to have only one conversation with the whole group, in which the autistic person can participate.

The location of a dinner party is also important.

If it’s at somebody’s home, we don’t have to worry about many other noises than the ones the people make at the dinner table.

A dinner party in a restaurant on the other hand, will be more chaotic because there are many other people having conversations as well. In situations like this it might be a good idea to invite an autistic person to go outside for example, to have a conversation one on one.

Another thing to keep in mind is that many autistic people take language very literally.

During parties people often like to joke or to use metaphors. You might notice that an autistic person is the only one not laughing when a joke is made, or that he or she will take a metaphor too literally. A good thing is to take this under consideration and to adapt your use of language a bit.

One other thing that is very important to know is that many autistic people don’t like to be touched. Tapping people on the shoulder, tickling, splashing water -- things that can be funny for many people, but can be very agonizing for an autistic person, and a reason to get upset.

There are also autistic people who will pretend they liked it because they want to fit in, but nonetheless they definitely don't enjoy it. It's good to take this under consideration and not do this to an autistic person.

Autistic people want to be part of things; they want to have friends and fun like everybody else. But some adaptations need to be made. If everybody understands this and takes this under consideration, a party can be fun for everybody and autistic people can participate instead of staying at home.

Dear Readers, welcome to my 24th book.

Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
 
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise. 
 
This volume is a little different. 
 
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
 
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
 
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
 
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
 
 This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
 
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
 
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
 
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
 
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
 
 I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
 
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition

-Frank 

Dating 8 Months No I Love You
By Frank Kermit
 
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.

There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect.  They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
 
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
 
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”.  That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.

The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.

If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner.  The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love. 

Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.

-Frank Kermit

The Limits of Non-Verbal Communication
by Frank Kermit

No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.

If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.

Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).

This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.

There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.

The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.

The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.

As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.

So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.

Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.