This is a contributed post.

Understanding and Letting Go of Unrequited Love
Mourning The Dream:  Getting Over The Fantasy
By Frank Kermit
 
When you are mourning the loss of a relationship due to break up or divorce, or the death of loved one, the mourning process is the same. Getting used to the "new normal" of not having that person around, even if you did not always get along, requires a period of mourning. In this respect, we mourn what was familiar to us, not necessarily what was great about the previous situation.

But what happens when what we are mourning never actually existed?
 
There is someone you like. That person is special to you. You spend lots of time imagining what it is going to be like when the two of you finally have your moment and date. It is a wonderful dream.

Yet, it may happen that when you finally make your interests known to the person, that you get rejected. Oh well. In this situation, most people get a little disappointed, shrug it off, and move on and look for someone else that will appreciate him or her.

But-Not-You.

You are heartbroken, feeling the same intensity as if you had been violated by a long-term relationship partner. You felt like it SHOULD have worked out! It SHOULD have been perfect! You SHOULD have ended up together!
 
Why would this rejection hurt almost as much, if not more, than if you were actually dating and broke up?
 
The answer is that the dream you created of the two of you together was as real to you as any other aspect of reality. Instead of separating the illusions and fantasy of your dream together, from the fact that the two of you never even started to date, you likely allowed yourself to accept the dream of who that other person was, and use the symbolic dream, as a real life experience to base your expectations on. THAT is why it hurts so much more than it merits.


How does someone get over it?
 

One of the ways a person can get over this kind of pain is to mourn the dream. Whatever actions you would normally take to mourn the death of a person; take those same actions to mourn the dream you built up in your mind. Writing out the experience, doing something to commemorate the dream, following a ritual of your faith are all examples. Yes, it may seem silly, but some healing methods are silly when you are not used to paying attention to emotional core hurts. It is easy to say that we should not have created the dream to begin with; however the point is moot, since you are already there.
 
The next time you like someone, and if you have a choice to either ask out that person as soon as you can, or wait on it and spend too much time creating a dream of the future that does not exist, choose to ask out the person as soon as you can. It will save you a lot of hurt if and when things do not work out.

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Protection of a Reputation:  The most common emotional need
By Frank Kermit


The protection of a reputation is one of the more common emotional needs that are shared by both men and women.


Some emotional needs of women completely counter some of the emotional needs of men. There are other emotional needs that are better suited to one gender, which if active in the opposite gender could lead a person to seriously struggle on an emotional level.  The protection of a reputation seems to be one of the emotional needs that can be very important to both men and women.
 
In my practice, when I am teaching or explaining my emotional needs theories, the protection of a reputation is always the first I present. It is not because the protection of a reputation is the most important emotional need. In fact, which emotional needs take priority is a very subjective and individual undertaking. Although, as human beings we all have emotional needs, what we do not have in common is the importance that we each place on each emotional need we have. 
 
For one person an emotional need like protection of a reputation could be exceptionally high in value and importance.  For another person, protection of a reputation may have little value.  It really depends on things such as how important someone’s reputation as it regards their ability to make a living or find love.  It can also depend on what stage a person is during their lifespan.  For example, someone that is in a very public profiled career, the continued success of which is highly dependent on a solid reputation to keep him or her employed, is going to have a very high priority on the emotional need of the protection of a reputation.   A different example is someone that makes a living in a way that would not be positively or negatively impacted by a ding to a reputation. That person will place a much lower importance on it.
 
Just to be clear, I have often found that when helping people become more social, more attractive and even more seductive, that once they effectively learn to keep the protection of people’s reputations in mind, that it can occasionally be enough to weed out all the really unattractive traits a person may unknowingly exhibit.
 
By using the “protect-a-rep” filter to modify their behaviors including what they say in private company, it helps to eliminate so many creepy behaviors that normally have would turned off potential partners. The protect-a-rep filter is simply is that powerful.
 
A protected reputation is very powerful. It can speak for you when nothing else will.  If you are ever accused of a wrongdoing, and you have no direct proof to prove your innocence, but have circumstantial evidence against you, what works strongly in your favor is a well-maintained reputation that will speak for you and help give you the benefit of the doubt. Depending on the circumstances, it could completely absolve you in the minds of the people around you.
 
Here are some ways to protect your own reputation, as well as the reputation of others:
 
1-Be above reproach as much as possible, even when it may not be in your best interest. Don’t take bribes, don’t take advantage of someone’s good nature, and make every exchange you have with others be a value-for-value exchange.
 
2-When talking about an ex, never speak badly about an ex.  It serves no purpose other than to expose your inability to choose people to date.  Always focus on what it is you learned about yourself and about relationships in general. If your ex cheated on you, instead of saying that your ex was a cheating scum, focus on the fact that you learned you need to be more aware of reading red flags and that trust is a very important aspect for you in a relationship.
 
3-Learn how to answer questions that you would rather not, or should not have to, answer. Just because someone asks you a question about your private life or the private life of your lover, does not mean you are required to answer it. 
 
It is perfectly correct to say things like: “it is none of your business”, “I don’t talk about such things in public”, “that is a private matter”, “that is something I would only discuss with my partner”, “no comment”, “we are NOT having this conversation”, and if the person persists in breaking this expressed boundary, you can always terminate the communication with, “this conversation is over.”
 
When you start to protect reputations, yours and the people you are connected with, you will find out very quickly who are the people that would use and abuse your trust, and who are the people that would appreciate your sense of privacy. 

Those that would use and abuse you will disappear from your life because they can no longer use you to get information to hurt both you, and the people you speak about. 
 
Those that would appreciate your sense of privacy are happy to respect the boundary and keep you in their lives, and maybe even share more of themselves with you in secret ways.


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The Mother-Lover Theory:
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
 

A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.

When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.

When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
 

For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
 

When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
 

Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
 
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.

 
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
 

I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.


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This Pilot was produced by M. J. Di Rocco, author of the children's book: The Tale of Bunny The Frog

Purchase M.J.'s  Book through: Amazon Canada

M. J.  Di Rocco wrote the introduction to The Frank StoryTelling Program For Dating Workbook

Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience
by Sadistfaction

I remember taking psychology in CEGEP in1979, and at that time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was on its 2nd revision (DSM-II.) I was quite alarmed to read that I apparently had many sexual disorders; some of the types of sexual deviations listed in the DSM-II  were: sexual orientation disturbance (homosexuality), fetishism, transvestitism (sic), exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and "other sexual deviations". Certainly not something you want to read at 18 back then.
 
Today Kink is no longer a four-letter word (well it is, but you get what I mean). Over the last 30+ years I have been educating those individuals who are interested in BDSM, spoken to the media, and set up a website. On it I currently offer non-sexual spankings for sexual arousal or for those who seek discipline or want a good healthy adrenaline rush that uses your bodies endorphin. (A much better alternative to drugs to relieve stress in my opinion).
 
For my first article, I thought I would give some information I am commonly asked about.:
 
 
Basics of BDSM terminology: Top and Bottom

There are lots of discussions between the different terms. Someone who is a Top does not necessarily mean they are dominant or alpha in every day life. A Bottom is the one receiving the pleasure and the Top giving. Like a massage of sorts.

 
What makes a good Bottom?

Be on time. Making someone sit and wait for you really shows a lack of respect. You can easily text as soon as you are aware your not going to be on time. Make sure you are squeaky clean in front and in back. Nothing more offensive than foul smells. Offer to help clean up after, thank them for putting in the effort and ensuring your safety. It takes a lot of time to prepare and to setup a scene. Be honest about your prior experiences and fantasies. You should meet the person before hand and give them your personal information so they can setup a safe call. Ask for references (I always offer to provide references).
 

What makes a good Top?

If you are a Top, you are the one setting up the scene and its only going to be as good as the effort you put into it. As a Top, I usually go over the basic scene in my head and meditate for 30 minutes prior. You should be well informed about your kink. Don't make someone your guinea pig unless it’s discussed first. You do not want to injure someone by trying something you have no experience in just for the sake of playing. If you’re a novice top be honest about your experience. CPR training is certainly a bonus. Our community centre offers a course once a year. Have a general first aid kit on hand and always keep your toys clean.
 
 
Review of 50 Shades of Gray
 
Most people in the lifestyle will tell you that 50 shades is a poorly written book about an abuser who has little or no concern about his partners pleasure or well being. In our lifestyle there is a huge paradox in BDSM which most people don't understand as it is the submissive that has all the
control. Like yin and yan both are equally as important. Because the submissive can use a safe word that means “no” or stop. Thus giving them control over the scene. Also the submissive is the one getting all the attention. Fifty shades may have made the lifestyle more acceptable and mainstream to the public but it promotes domestic violence,  and has nothing to do with BDSM
 

What to expect at your first play party

Of course it’s normal to be nervous, especially if you are going alone. However, you will find people to be extremely friendly and there is never any pressure to play. The respect and energy between play partners will surprise you. Most of us are exhibitionists so there is nothing like a voyeur watching our play or just sitting in a non-play area listening to conversations. There are private rooms for those that don't want to be watched and or wish to have sex (oral is most common, intercourse is rare) and the door will be closed. If it is open it is OK to come in and watch. There is also a No-Play Room for those socially awkward or if some one wants to have some quiet time or to talk in private.

 
How to get invited to a play party

Most of the play parties are held in someone’s home. When someone comes to my private play party they must be vetted first. Usually vetting is done at a previous get together. Also someone who is already vetted can refer someone. An example of a previous get together is a “munch”. A munch is a gathering at a local restaurant. Anyone can attend of course. Sometimes there are play parties at clubs downtown and everyone is welcome.

 
Do and Don’t List for first time playing

When playing with someone for the first time, never use a gag so you can always communicate, I always remain clothed and focus all of my attention on doing a perfect “introductory” scene, if they are into bondage I tie them up and then release them before tying them up again. This establishes trust. Aftercare is always important after every scene so never leave it out. (Learn more about Aftercare in a future article). And of course it’s amazing to hug or cuddle someone afterwards while discussing the scene that just happened.

 
Dungeon Rules and Etiquette

No drugs. No video or photography without asking the persons consent first. Ask if it is ok to watch or participate. Don't assume because someone is tied up that you can walk over and touch the person. Don't talk about the weather while people are playing.  Put a towel under your play. Cover toys with condoms and wash them before and after. Ask whomever runs the Dungeon if a particular fetish of yours is permitted before you attempt it. If you bring food, label the ingredients as many people have allergies.

 
Meeting New Play Partners
 
When I meet potential play partners it is my pleasure to meet for a non-pressure coffee to discuss your interests.   I recommend most people do the same. Don't pressure someone after the meet to come to your place to play. They will be much too nervous to enjoy.  Once the person is at home and in a comfort zone, they can think about what you discussed and then decide if getting more intimate is for them.  Always do a scene negotiation before you play.
 
 

SadistFaction  started his website in 2001. He owns a dungeon space (with several play stations and lots of toys) that he rents to couples or for private play parties.  He is open to meeting people who are interested in learning about the lifestyle. He has spoken about BDSM and kink in the media. He was a consultant for the Television program KINK season 2 filmed in Montreal, has been on the Dr. Laurie show Passion, interviewed by the by the Journal de Montreal (the above photo is from that), http://vice.com,  and volunteers at the Everything To Do About Sex Show dungeon booth. Currently he does Spanking and Wax Play Workshops for the local community and is the Dungeon Master at many events.  He can be found on Fetlife  (user name: SadistFaction) or his website ATTITUDES.CA

Understanding Emotional Needs
By Frank Kermit
 

Emotional needs are about what a person responds to.
It has nothing to do with what a person should like.

We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart.

But we are not.
We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to.

We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not.

And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues.
 
When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you.

If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this:
The first is to change yourself, and;
the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too.
 

The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call "settling" that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness.

However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect).

Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with.
 
One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event.
 
The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too.
 
The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have "everything figured out first".

Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing.
 
If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that.
 
However, if you are only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs.


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The Secret Of Seduction is that it Happens in the Future
By Frank Kermit
 

The future is where actual seduction takes place. That is the key and secret to seduction. It has very little to do with turning someone on when you see them. If you happen to run into someone that is already attracted to you for the way you look, the way you carry yourself, or your presumed status in that environment, that is not seduction. That is getting lucky. That person already liked you, and all you have to do is not screw it up by acting creepy, obnoxious or socially awkward.
 

In fact, if someone already likes you enough just because of such factors, you end up getting a higher margin for errors in case you do act in an unattractive way. In those cases, you get the connection, not because of your unattractive qualities, but in spite of them.
 

The principle behind the secret of seduction happening in the future is that if you can get the other person to create a future with you in their minds, you have begun the process of seducing that person. For example, when talking about your future hopes, dreams and goals it is seductive to also include the fact that you want someone to share that future with, and demonstrate the role that the person you are talking to (or a hypothetical someone else) could fill in your life.
 

The more you can elaborate describing where someone can fit into your life, the more that person will build a future with you in their minds. That builds up attachment and attraction.
 

The premise behind this is that although our conscious minds can differentiate between reality and fantasy, our subconscious mind does not. According to the subconscious mind your fantasy is as real as the reality of the situation, and your emotions react to your fantasies as if they were real. That is why, each time you remember something (whether a good experience or a bad one) you may also relive the emotions of it, and carry those emotions into your present day life.
 

That is why one of the ways to get over someone is to break the pattern of imagining what your life would have been like if you had stayed together. Get it?
 

This is not some kind of manipulative tactic. It is a way human beings process information and emotionally react to it. In fact, most of us do it to ourselves all the time. If you have ever fallen for someone that you did not even date yet, it is because of this principle.
 

People seduce themselves. We get ourselves attached to careers we never tried, vacations we never had, and people we have never dated just because we spend so much time fantasying about what it is going to be like in the future, that we get confused between the fantasy future we build, and the reality that we have not even had the job interview, traveled to the location nor had the first date.
 

This is why when you are interested in someone; the longer you wait to make a first move, the worse it is. If you spend your time day dreaming about dating someone instead of making your move, the fictional future you are creating will actually make being a real relationship with that person even more difficult. You will not only be distracted from getting to know that person, you will also have to battle your own unrealistic expectations that could cloud your objectivity.
 

The reality of dating will never live up to the fantasy of dating, and you could end up disappointed and break away from an actual emotionally healthy love because you were too caught up in forcing that person to live up to the mold you created in your head.
 

Now, can you imagine what it would be like to talk to this person, find common traits with this person, share personal experiences with this person, and have this person be an important part of your life even though you do not really know this person? If you can, I will see you in the future.
 



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PIMPING YOUR PAD

I did not know what to make of it.  I was new to wrestling (and have since been a long time fan). I loved the character and at times felt that he might not be acting. George Steele played his character of "The Animal" so well, that at times, he could make fans forget that he was actually a very educated and intelligent human being.

He was a sight to see. He did not care about winning the matches. He was there to entertain the fans, with his green tongue and his desire to eat and destroy the turnbuckles.  He was a prime example that you do not have to win championships to make a living in professional wrestling.

Then came a wonderful story line that George Steele tends to be remembered for. George was set to wrestling Randy Macho Man Savage, and during that match, George first saw Miss Elisabeth (the manager and wife of Randy Savage)  and The Animal fell in love with her. It was playing on the theme of the elusive beauty who was with a controlling partner and the endearing beast that everyone wanted to see end up with her.

This feud would go on to be one of the most memorial and emotionally tapping wrestling feuds of its time. In real life, they were all friends, and Miss Elisabeth was in no real danger, nor was there any chance she would leave her husband for Steele. With that said, Randy Savage was in fact very jealous and the friends (Savage and Steele) would get into real life arguments because of Savage's jealousy.  But nonetheless, it was a great show.

The story line came to an end at Wrestlemania 3, where Steele helped Ricky The Dragon Steamboat beat Randy Savage for the Intercontinental Championship. George never got the girl, but he did give the "bad guy" Savage some come up-pens.

I will always remember you George The Animal Steele (aka Jim Myers). Thank you for the memories.  I know that I only watched you during the later years of your career and missed so many of your great moments prior to your feud with Savage, but nonetheless, you made on impact on me, and countless others that grew up watching wrestling at the same time I did.

Good bye George, and Thank You.