Protection of a Reputation:  The most common emotional need
By Frank Kermit


The protection of a reputation is one of the more common emotional needs that are shared by both men and women.


Some emotional needs of women completely counter some of the emotional needs of men. There are other emotional needs that are better suited to one gender, which if active in the opposite gender could lead a person to seriously struggle on an emotional level.  The protection of a reputation seems to be one of the emotional needs that can be very important to both men and women.
 
In my practice, when I am teaching or explaining my emotional needs theories, the protection of a reputation is always the first I present. It is not because the protection of a reputation is the most important emotional need. In fact, which emotional needs take priority is a very subjective and individual undertaking. Although, as human beings we all have emotional needs, what we do not have in common is the importance that we each place on each emotional need we have. 
 
For one person an emotional need like protection of a reputation could be exceptionally high in value and importance.  For another person, protection of a reputation may have little value.  It really depends on things such as how important someone’s reputation as it regards their ability to make a living or find love.  It can also depend on what stage a person is during their lifespan.  For example, someone that is in a very public profiled career, the continued success of which is highly dependent on a solid reputation to keep him or her employed, is going to have a very high priority on the emotional need of the protection of a reputation.   A different example is someone that makes a living in a way that would not be positively or negatively impacted by a ding to a reputation. That person will place a much lower importance on it.
 
Just to be clear, I have often found that when helping people become more social, more attractive and even more seductive, that once they effectively learn to keep the protection of people’s reputations in mind, that it can occasionally be enough to weed out all the really unattractive traits a person may unknowingly exhibit.
 
By using the “protect-a-rep” filter to modify their behaviors including what they say in private company, it helps to eliminate so many creepy behaviors that normally have would turned off potential partners. The protect-a-rep filter is simply is that powerful.
 
A protected reputation is very powerful. It can speak for you when nothing else will.  If you are ever accused of a wrongdoing, and you have no direct proof to prove your innocence, but have circumstantial evidence against you, what works strongly in your favor is a well-maintained reputation that will speak for you and help give you the benefit of the doubt. Depending on the circumstances, it could completely absolve you in the minds of the people around you.
 
Here are some ways to protect your own reputation, as well as the reputation of others:
 
1-Be above reproach as much as possible, even when it may not be in your best interest. Don’t take bribes, don’t take advantage of someone’s good nature, and make every exchange you have with others be a value-for-value exchange.
 
2-When talking about an ex, never speak badly about an ex.  It serves no purpose other than to expose your inability to choose people to date.  Always focus on what it is you learned about yourself and about relationships in general. If your ex cheated on you, instead of saying that your ex was a cheating scum, focus on the fact that you learned you need to be more aware of reading red flags and that trust is a very important aspect for you in a relationship.
 
3-Learn how to answer questions that you would rather not, or should not have to, answer. Just because someone asks you a question about your private life or the private life of your lover, does not mean you are required to answer it. 
 
It is perfectly correct to say things like: “it is none of your business”, “I don’t talk about such things in public”, “that is a private matter”, “that is something I would only discuss with my partner”, “no comment”, “we are NOT having this conversation”, and if the person persists in breaking this expressed boundary, you can always terminate the communication with, “this conversation is over.”
 
When you start to protect reputations, yours and the people you are connected with, you will find out very quickly who are the people that would use and abuse your trust, and who are the people that would appreciate your sense of privacy. 

Those that would use and abuse you will disappear from your life because they can no longer use you to get information to hurt both you, and the people you speak about. 
 
Those that would appreciate your sense of privacy are happy to respect the boundary and keep you in their lives, and maybe even share more of themselves with you in secret ways.


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