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When it comes to first dates, it’s a given that you need to remain safe. Usually, this person is a stranger, especially with the rise of online dating. So, how can you ensure that you’re going to be safe? What can you do? Keep reading on to learn more about it!  Stay In A Public Place Don't Go Somewhere Alone
The first date is a potentially nerve-wracking experience, and it's important to take time to make sure you're prepared. There are more than enough scary stories out there of people getting endangered during a first date. For a first date, you should never go somewhere alone with the person. If you are in a public place, like a coffee shop, then you should always insist on staying in public. There are so many fun first date ideas in public anyways, such as horse back riding. You should also never go to someone's house on the first date, even if they push it. You need to grow trust for them before going anywhere in private. Notify Someone That You’re Going on a Date Always tell someone that you're going to be on a first date and make sure they know where you'll be and who with whom. This is the single most important thing you can do to stay safe when going on a first date. Avoid Giving Out Too Much Personal Information Use your head when it comes to contacting your partner before and after the event as well, so, don't give out any personal information like your address or phone number until you're more comfortable with them. This also goes for sensitive information like work details or passwords. If they ask, always be on the side of caution and say no rather than get into a debate. Stand your ground and look out for red flags. If possible, try to not even give out your last name. Protect Yourself With Technology In this day and age, it is common to meet your partner online. However, the dangers of meeting a stranger in person are always dangerous. Technology is a great thing to use for your own protection on a first date. You can use it for your own safety and make sure you don't end up in an uncomfortable situation. Ensure that your location is on, and maybe look for a safety app just in case. Make Plans with Friends After the Date is Over Why do this? Sometimes, a date wants to drop off their date, share an Uber, or something like that. This may sound nice, but the person will immediately know where you live. You’re better off going to another public space to see friends once the date is over. Have a General Idea of First Aid Anything can happen during a first date; something could happen to you, or maybe even your date. Learning basic first aid and maybe even looking into MyCPR NOW for a certificate could help. You never know when you’re presented with the chance to save someone.
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Dating can be a daunting prospect, especially if you're taking the plunge again after a long break. Here are eight things to keep in mind if you're getting back into dating:  Try To Relax and Enjoy The Experience 1. Don't take yourself too seriously The dating world is full of opportunity and adventure, so approach it with an open mind and a sense of fun. If you start to take things too seriously, it'll all seem like hard work and you're more likely to get bogged down in the nitty-gritty details. Instead, try to relax and enjoy the experience – after all, meeting new people and going on dates can be exciting! 2. Be honest about what you're looking for When you're filling out your online dating profile, be honest about what you're looking for. You may ask yourself is tinder safe? But it can be if you use it openly and honestly. If you're not ready for a serious relationship, say so. It's better to be upfront from the start than to string someone along only to end things later on. 3. Don't rush into anything It's important to take things slowly when you start dating again. Don't feel like you have to jump into bed with someone on the first date – or even the second or third date! Get to know each other first and see if there's a real connection before you take things to the next level. 4. Be yourself One of the best pieces of advice for dating is simply to be yourself. Don't try to be someone you're not – people will see through it and it's just not worth the effort. Be honest about who you are, and what you like and dislike, and let your personality shine through. 5. Don't play games When you're dating, it's important to be genuine and authentic. Don't play games or try to manipulate the other person – it'll only backfire in the end. Just be yourself and let things happen naturally. 6. Keep an open mind Don't rule someone out just because they don't fit your usual type. It's always good to keep an open mind when dating, as you never know who you might meet! You may find that you have more in common with someone than you first thought. 7. Don't be afraid to make the first move If you're interested in someone, don't be afraid to make the first move. It's okay to be proactive and contact someone yourself – in fact, it shows that you're interested and confident. Just don't overdo it – a few well-placed messages are all you need. 8. Enjoy yourself! Last but not least, remember to enjoy yourself! Dating should be fun, so make sure you take the time to relax and have a good time. If you're not enjoying yourself, then there's no point in continuing. Life is too short to waste on bad dates, so cut your losses and move on if someone isn't making you happy. The Bottom Line Dating can be a great way to meet new people and have some fun, but it's important to keep a few things in mind. Follow these tips and you'll be sure to have a good time – and maybe even meet someone special! Having trouble meeting the right person for you? Read 6 ways you can improve your chances of meeting that special person who could be your lifelong partner.  Improve Your Chances Of Meeting Someone Special Unlucky in love? Still not met the right person for you? It can be frustrating, we know, especially when you despise being single. The last thing you should do, of course, is resign yourself to the notion that you might be single forever. Instead, you should do what you can to improve your chances of meeting that special person who could be a lifelong partner. So, what can you do? Well, here are some suggestions that we hope you find useful. #1: Trust your friends to help you Your friends probably know you better than you think, so they might have ideas about who you could match up with. So, if they ever try to arrange a date between you and somebody they know, don't be too quick saying 'no.' It might be that they have somebody in mind who shares your interests and quirks, so let your friends play Cupid because true love could be right around the corner. #2: Improve your online dating profile Thanks to the internet and the wealth of dating sites and apps that are available, you have more chances than ever of meeting the right person. But if you're not getting many swipes or messages, it might be because of your online dating profile. The photos you have used may not be the most flattering, and it might be that you sound desperate within the 'about me' section. Ask a trusted friend to give your online profile a once-over and if they suggest improvements, consider their suggestions. Click the following link for more info about online dating and use the advice given. #3: Be less judgemental It might be that you have been on dates with people in the past, or you may have considered asking somebody out on a date. But if things didn't progress in either scenario, it might be because of your judgemental attitude. You may have decided that you didn't like something about the other person, be it an aspect of their personality, looks, or lifestyle. We all do this, but our first impressions are sometimes wrong. Sometimes, we need to give people a chance, so if you know you have been too judgemental, try to be less reactive. When you're too fussy, you might rule out your chances of romance, and you might miss out on the person who could be the one for you. #4: Find ways to meet new people The only way you're going to meet somebody is by putting yourself out there. Admittedly, this is difficult at the moment with the pandemic restrictions, but you can still sign up to more dating sites and apps. When life returns to normal, you can also make the effort to be more social. Go out to parties when you're invited. Sign up to community classes and attend local events. Check out these ideas for meeting new people. And when you are in the company of others, talk to them. Put your phone down, introduce yourself to others, and have a good old-fashioned conversation. It might be that you meet somebody who will be the perfect match for you! #5: Be a better date Sorry to say it but you may have been unlucky in love because of mistakes you have made on your date. You may have made little effort with your appearance, and you may have talked about yourself a little too much. You may have forgotten to compliment the other person, and you may have been overly pushy with them about your need to find true love. These are all classic first date mistakes and should be avoided. So, be mindful when you are on a date with another. Take time getting yourself ready beforehand. Make every effort to compliment them. Ask your date questions about themselves, but don't get too personal on the first date. And be yourself, without coming across as desperate and needy. If your date goes well you might stand a better chance at another, and if things progress well, romance could soon follow. Finally It can take a while before we finally meet the right person, so don't lose hope or patience. Follow our suggestions and continue to browse our website for more advice. Get in touch for the coaching services that we can offer too, as you can improve your true love chances with our experienced advice. There will be a day when you do meet 'the one,' so even if that isn't today, don't give up hope on your chances for tomorrow. Read 8 Ways To Boost Your Chances At Finding Love  Boost Your Chances At Finding Love While there's no time limit on finding love, staying single for a long time can quickly dampen your spirits. Besides, the sooner you find the person of your dreams, the more time you'll have together. So, if you want to find love, there's nothing wrong with wanting to find it fast. It's impossible to force or rush love, but you can certainly give your chances a boost. Here are eight great ways to make it happen without placing unnecessary pressure on yourself. #1. Learn To Love Yourself Corny? Definitely. Still, you cannot possibly expect someone to love you if you don't even love yourself. Before seeking validation from someone else, you must first master the art of unlocking the best version of you. Dating is a significant part of your life, but it needn't be the only defining feature. Chasing other goals, such as getting fitter or gaining a promotion at work, can be very rewarding. Aside from directly enhancing your life, it'll make you happier and self-confident. In turn, this makes you more attractive. Quite frankly, without this strong foundation, the path to finding love will be a whole lot bumpier. #2. Know Where To Look There's no set guidelines on where you can or can't find love. A growing number of people are finding love online, but there are still plenty of places to meet people in the real world. Still, you must learn to look in the right locations. Society has changed, and people are more likely to listen to a podcast rather than talk to people on their commute. Meanwhile, bars can be a little daunting. Sharpen your aim by using your career and hobbies as ways to meet like minded people. When you do, the hopes of meeting someone are greatly increased. Alternatively, if using speed dating, choose a themed event you can get behind.  Finding Love Online Is Only One Way #3. Make First Impressions Count As humans, we actively make judgements within seconds of meeting people. Whether it's online or offline, you may only have a few seconds to grab a person's attention. So, while love isn't all about appearances, yours must count. With this in mind, learning to take attractive photos for your dating profiles can make a big difference. Meanwhile, your posture and general body language deserve attention ahead of blind dates or approaching people at a bar. If you lose their interest right away, it's very hard to win it back. Conversely, a great first impression will give you the confidence needed to make things run smoothly. #4. Focus On Psychology Physical attraction is, of course, an important part of the dating game. This is especially true in the early phases. Still, the mental and emotional elements can have a telling influence on any subsequent progress. Do not underestimate this factor. You should research 'what is the scrambler mind game?' to gain a deeper understanding of the psychological edge. When you make yourself more desirable, your hopes of finding the right person are far greater. After all, there will be a bigger pool and a better chance of building relationships. Besides, love is a meeting of the minds as much as it is a meeting of the bodies. #5. Play The Numbers Game As well as psychology, you can additionally place an emphasis on the idea of probability. While the fear of rejection is probably the worst thing about dating, it shouldn't stop you from seeking what you want. You score 0% of the shots you don't take. The fact is that if you strike up a conversation with 100 people, you are far more likely to get a date than if you only ask one person. Once you start dating, exclusivity may become a key feature. Until that time comes, though, there should be no guilt about speaking to multiple people. You don't want to waste six months chasing one person for it to go all wrong.  Use Your Support Network To Meet People #6. Ask For Help Only you can decide whether someone you date is the right person. Nonetheless, you do not need to face the process of finding that person alone. Your friends and relatives are an important support network that can aid the cause. Most people won't want to tread on your toes. However, if you ask them 'do you know anyone suitable?' in the right way, they will help. They know your personality and looks as well as those of their friends and colleagues. If they are up for playing matchmaker, it could be an ideal way to find the one. They'll probably speak to the other person first. So, you'll know that there is at least some interest. #7. Make Dates More Memorable Getting a date is one thing. However, if you want a second date to happen, it's vital that you give them a reason to want it. Aside from dazzling them with your wit and charm, why not focus on an event they'll love. If you have a joint hobby or passion, use it. This could mean buying tickets to a gig or seeing a place you know they love. Otherwise, you can embrace the following fun date ideas that encourage you to have an enjoyable time, even without the ingredient of love. It also allows feelings to grow organically. When a person associates spending time together with increased enjoyment, success is assured. #8. Stop Worrying It sounds crazy, but it's often the case that ending the active pursuit of love is the best solution. When you spend too much time thinking about it, the stress and pressure can stop you from being yourself. It also blocks what's right under your nose. If you do meet the right person, that could signal the end of your bachelor life. So, use this time to enjoy the benefits of being single. Travel the world. Follow your passions. Do what makes you happy. You don't want to look back on this period and regret missing out on opportunities. Aside from improving this stage of life, it supports any subsequent relationships you may enter. Dating doesn't have to be boring! Read more about how you can make your dates more interesting and memorable too!  Try A Different Kind Of Date To Make It More Enjoyable It’s very easy for us to get too formulaic about this whole ‘dating’ process. First you meet someone in person or online, then you speak a little, then you go on a date, perhaps for a meal or bowling or something else active, and then you do that a few times. You’ll decide if you like the person or not, and from there, things may become a little more serious, if only just. If this works for you, then you deserve to enjoy that process. There’s no reason why this can’t be a successful approach. And yet for some people, going through the motions simply isn’t enough. These are the people who actually wish for a good time on a date rather than ‘ticking all the boxes.’ We would recommend you try to see what it’s like to follow this path, a little off the beaten track. To do this, you have to provide your date an experience slightly out of the norm, and also provide that for yourself. This way, you may find your dating experience is much more memorable than it would have been otherwise. Let’s see what this may look like: Head On A Double Date A double date experience with a friend can be a great idea, and it can bring with it a range of hilarious new memories. It can also take the bite out of a first date, be that the tense exchange you might have with someone new, or the artifice you may feel. When you can laugh as a small group and select the best double date ideas together, you have more of a chance of making a success from the evening. Approaches like this signify novelty, and more than anything, the willingness to have fun. Show Them Something You Care About Showing your date something that matters to you can be important. For instance, if you work in a museum, it might be that showing them around the private collections in a curated showing could be something you organize with your boss in your downtime, provided you work overtime to justify it. Don’t be afraid of bringing them into your world, be that culturally, through your passions or even profession. Sometimes shared passion can mean so much more than polite small talk. Jump Into Their World If you hope to bring them into your world, don’t be afraid to ask them to show you theirs. For instance, it might be that they’re a dancer, and would love nothing more than to see a show taking place in the city that weekend. If you can curate a date idea based around a passion of theirs, or to surprise them based on the information they have given you, they may just see how well you have thought this out. It’s always nice to learn and experience something new, even if it’s not your usual cup of tea. With these date ideas, you’re sure to provide and gain a truly magical and novel dating experience. How do you meet the partner for you? Follow these dating tips to sharpen your aim to find your love match in this contributed post. We don’t often think about it or even acknowledge it because it's just normal. We don’t want to limit our choice of partner so we leave the door open to many possibilities. We go out there onto the dating scene, hoping to find someone that we can be with for the rest of our lives. But stop, don’t you think that’s casting the net our rather wide? You’re just ‘hoping’ to meet someone that you can not only like, but love? Very rarely do relationships last where you are making a choice to cope with someone that you know, deep down you don’t like. Alas, many of us have fickle hearts and we believe or hope that we can change the person more into being like us in the future. That is ridiculous, you can’t change a tiger’s stripes. We need to accept people for who they are and not try to change them just to suit us and our feelings. So how on earth do you find someone that you can love? Well, for a start you should sharpen your aim.  Sharpen Your Aim When Looking For Your Love Match Photo Credit: Randy Gon Networking circles from work That old saying of, ‘if you’re single, go ahead and mingle’ is true of many public social gatherings. We always network at work, we need to. Meeting new people from our line of work and talking about things that mean a lot to us professionally is a great way to meet a potential lover. In fact, that’s how most relationships start off. You’re at work and suddenly someone who you considered a colleague or even as part of another company, make your heart race every time you see them. Well, rather than going out on the dating scene, how about start looking for someone who does the same thing as you for a living? You’ll have much more in common immediately and lots to talk about on the first date. The tension is also less because you know what they’re talking about and you can engage with them on a deeper level.  Try Meeting Someone Who Has Some Of The Same Interests You Do Take an interest seriously Those that take their hobby seriously, will end up having to mingle with new people eventually. Especially in sports, if you take it seriously enough you’ll end up wanting better equipment and a better place to play that sport. Take archery for example. If you take it seriously enough, you’ll want to join a club. At this club there will be people who have the exact same interest and have the same issues of improvement and equipment as you do. You’ll end up meeting someone that you would like and want to become more than just friends with. However the tension is already broke because you have been around each other a lot and focus on a joint or shared goal in the sport you play. There are dating websites that are specific in their outreach such as Muslim Dating. Such tools are great for finding people that are into the same thing as you and can narrow down what kind of interests you may have in common. Instead of aiming broadly at a wild forest full of different people, why not just cut to the chase? Look for a potential partner in interests and professions that you yourself have love or like of. Are you shy and don't feel comfortable dating? Read this contributed post which has 4 dating tips for shy guys who want to overcome their dating anxiety. There’s a common misconception that being shy has to get in the way of and ruin your dating life when that isn’t the case. Being shy doesn’t have to impact your dating success or be seen as a bad thing - we each have our own, very unique personalities and if being shy is part of yours, you need to learn to make it work for you. Perhaps you don’t know how to talk to people who you’re attracted to? Maybe you’ve tried to make a relationship work in the past while hiding your feelings and it’s all ended in one big mess? What it’s important to remember is that your shyness is not your whole identity, it’s just one part of who you are as a person.  Shyness Is Not Your Whole Identity, It's Just One Part Of Who You Are The good news is that if you take note of the tips below, you can make dating that little bit easier (and more enjoyable) for yourself. Understand that just because you’re attracted to someone that doesn’t mean they’re not a normal person Regardless of how attractive someone is, they are just normal people. That’s the thing to remember because there’s no need to be shy when talking to just another person, is there? Picture this, you’re in a supermarket, you see someone cute in the aisle but are lost for words about how to introduce yourself, but when you’re at the counter with the cashier you’re happy to chat away. These two people are no different from each other - that’s what you need to understand. Make friends who are extroverts You’re an introvert and that’s cool but make friends with people who are extroverts. Studies have shown that it’s easier to relax when you’re around louder people who like to be the centre of attention because that takes the pressure off of you. You’ll find chatting with people that you’re attracted to, far easier in this kind of setting. Date online To build confidence in yourself, spend some time online dating and using services like https://www.guyspyvoice.com/phone-free-trial/gay-male-chat-coverage to meet people. Dating can be daunting but the more people you chat to, either online or over the phone, the more your confidence should grow. As your confidence grows, you should start to feel less shy when it comes to talking to people who you’re attracted to. Let go of the bad If you've had bad dating experiences in the past, you need to stop holding onto them and let them go. If you don’t let go of the bad experiences that you’ve had, they will haunt your dating life forever and make you shyer than you were before. It’s important to realise that everyone has bad dating experiences but that they don’t have to define your future of dating. When you’re a shy guy, dating is not always an easy task, but if you take note of the tips above and implement them in how you date, you can make landing yourself a partner a slightly easier task. Blind Dates don't have to be a nerve racking experience. Enjoy the moment by utilizing some of these top tips for a successful blind date as you read this contributed post.  Patio Date If you are going on a blind date, you may be feeling nervous and anxious about the experience. What should you talk about? What if there are any awkward silences? What if you are not attracted to the other person? These are just a few of the questions that may be going through your mind. But there is no need to worry; simply read on to discover some top tips for a successful blind date.
Use a matchmaking service – There is only one place to begin, and this is by using a matchmaking service to suit you up with your date. You can find out more information about this here: https://macbeth-matchmaking.com/dating/professional-dating/. Why should you use such a service? Well, you do not want to go on a blind date with just anyone. If you do, then all of the worries mentioned in the introduction may come to life. However, with a matchmaking service, you can be certain that you are going to be going on a blind date with someone you are compatible with. Leave your insecurities at home – You need to bring the most confident version of yourself to the table. Leave your insecurities at home. It does not matter if your date isn’t into you; we were not put on this planet to be attracted to everyone that we meet. Throw out your expectations – One of the biggest problems when it comes to blind dates is that people go in there with expectations. There is no quicker way to kill your date then to conjure up an image of what the other person is going to be like. If they do not match this image, you end up ruling him or her out without giving them a chance. Prepare some questions – Think of some questions in advance that you can ask if it goes a bit quiet. Of course, you do not want it to sound like you are interviewing the person, and stay away from boring questions like what is their favorite color. Instead, why not ask what they would do if they won the lottery. Wear something you are comfortable in – Yes, it is important to dress to impress. Nevertheless, you need to make sure you are comfortable. If you are not, it will show. You can find advice on what to wear on a date here: https://uk.match.com/pages/advice/dating-advice/dating-advice-women/dating-tips-how-dress-date/. Yes, those high heels may look amazing, but they don’t look good if you appear like you are going to topple over with every step that you take. Hopefully, you now feel more prepared for your blind date. If you follow the advice that has been provided above, you can make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible. From being the real you to ensuring you fix up a date with someone you are going to be compatible with, follow the steps above with care.  Worst First Date Stories Ever My dear friends, I recently did a radio interview on the topic of Worst First Date Stories Ever. I had asked people to submit their stories online for the show. A number of people submitted stories, but there was not enough time on air to cover them all. Here are the stories of some people's worst first date experiences. If you have a first date disaster story to share, please share it in the comments of this post. -Frank Kermit
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**** If you have a first date disaster story you would like to share, post your story in the comments below! -Frank  HOW TO START DATING
The Question: "How do I date?" -Without a Partner Frank Advice Answer: Dear Without a Partner, It really depends what you are looking for. Your approach will be different if you are looking for something more casual (friends-with-benefits dating) or something more serious (long term commitment). Once you have an idea of what you are looking for commitment wise, you are ready for the next step. The next step is to create a profile of the kind of person that would want, and who would be a good candidate for you. Once you can identify some of the criteria you are looking for, it becomes easier to identify where you would meet such a person. For example: (and let’s use a particular one), let’s say you seek a sexually adventurous partner who is open minded and willing to explore new sensations with you. Well now that you have that profile, the question becomes: Where does someone who fits that profile spend their time? Perhaps a popular sexually themed event or show? You can explore if there are communities that put on such events locally, or seek out online communities that cater to your particular interests to meet like minded people. Arrange times to meet people from the community or communities that you have found. Take the time to talk to each person you meet privately. A local public coffee shop is an ideal location as it is public enough to be safe and private enough to share stories. The key here is to put your best self forward. Do not lie about anything! Demonstrate that you are looking for a partner and focus on what you have to give to another person. Do not make it about what the other person must give to you. If you are dedicated and follow through on this work (and yes dating is work) and you should have at least one, if not more dating partners within 90 days. After you are in a relationship/s, your focus should be on relationship management. Do not take your partners for granted but do not allow yourself to be used either. This information is just the start of learning to date and having a relationship/s. Coaching helps in many ways, including having an accountability partner, who can help keep you on the right track. Sign up for COACHING and we can get started. -Frank Because I have to be  RELATIONSHIP AND DATING COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT  36 reasons you got ghosted after a great first date 36 Reasons Someone Ghosts You After a Great First Date by Frank Kermit You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, a proper mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing, and you maybe even had sex! Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says that they are not interested anymore and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry? Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear (Ghost) after a great first date. Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date.:  What to Say - Book Cover When It is Because of You (You did something that turned them off) Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs. If you did not violate an emotional need, it is also possible that you simply did not address them and were neutral. When someone tells you “no chemistry” it is possible you killed the chemistry yourself. 1. Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off. The person could not react in the moment, (for example: During the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group) so instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe. 2. You’re just a little too boring. The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, but they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person liked you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so they decided it was best to cut you loose before you get more attached and got really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it. 3. You love too much drama. The person is more sedate and seeks a calmer companion, but everything about you screams drama-drama-drama, from the things you like to talk about, to how you handle common situations that came up on your date. Maybe you acted too immature, like a child. The emotional range that comes with high doses of drama can in fact be a lot of fun in the short term, but can be very draining for others in the long term. After that first date was over the other person decided that you were too much for them. 4. You did not stand up for yourself. I hear this one quite a bit. Sometimes your date will test you to see if you would stand up for yourself, and when you didn’t, it was a turn off. Some people just do not want to date a mousy person. They seek out someone that isn’t afraid to be assertive, and are willing to speak their minds. Ever had that gnawing feeling that you should have said something at some point on the date, but held back because you were trying to be too nice and too polite? That might have been the moment you failed a test for assertiveness. 5. You came across like you were going to dump them. You gave the impression that you were not serious about seeing the other person again, so the other person decided to dump you first, before you had the chance to abandon them. Did you make the person feel they were unique to you? Did you give the impression you were the type of person that could commit long term? If you did not do these two things, the other person has no evidence to take you seriously when you say you intend to see them again. Very few people are going to stick around for a second date with a person that comes across as wanting to be independent of them. 6. You came across as untrustworthy. If the person you dated felt you could not be honest with them out of a fear of conflict, or if you came across as someone that could not be honest with yourself, they simply will not be able to put faith into anything you say or do. Trust is a key factor for any relationship. Violating a person’s sense of trust will not get you a second date, even if they decided to have fun with you on the first date. 7. You don’t make people feel safe with you. Maybe the person looked you up on the Internet after the first date and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles, and your social media. With the mystery gone, (and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits), it was a no-go from there. Maybe you are friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep. Maybe they just did not feel safe with you, either physically or they worry associating with you will hurt their reputation. Perhaps you publicly shared too many things that your date would rather keep private and they worried you are not a good secret keeper. The bottom line is that even after a great first date, if a person does not feel safe enough with you, there will be no second date. 8. You’re a lousy kisser and/or lover. I am sorry to say this, but just because you really enjoyed yourself on that first date, it is not a direct indication that your date enjoyed it too. Even if your date had an orgasm, it may have less to do with your efforts than you might care to admit. This is not about just being sexually incompatible (see further down the list when that comes up). This is about you just not being any good. Sexual skills are just like any other skills. You can develop a better skill set, if you are willing to learn, experiment, and are open to feedback. However, unless you make it clear that you want feedback to help your date enjoy being with you, your date might assume that you are just going to be this lousy on an ongoing basis, and rather than tell you the truth, they would rather just avoid having to be physical with you again. 9. You come across too happy being single. You are not relationship minded enough. You said that you wanted to see the other person again and you really meant it, and the person believes you meant it as well. However, the question becomes are you capable? Not everyone knows how to act in a relationship. This comes up a lot for people that have either never had a relationship, or people that have been single for so long that they have forgotten the nuances of how to take another person’s involvement into account. A person who acts too happy being single, might give the impression they would rather not be in a relationship. If you expressed how much you rather enjoy doing things on your own that the other person would rather do as a couple, you aren’t going to convince anyone that you are seriously interested in a second date. 10. You would rather be with a different gender/sexual orientation. Believe it or not, just because you are willing to date someone of a certain gender/sexual orientation, it is not enough evidence you actually want to be dating a person of that gender/sexual orientation. Sometimes the frustration that you feel towards the dating scene and specifically the gender/sexual orientation of your past dates, might come across that you would rather date someone that is the opposite of the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating. If you are giving a vibe that you may not be fully comfortable in your own skin, or if your frustrations get misinterpreted as hate, or lack of attraction for the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating, it is unlikely that they will want to have a second date with you, even with the first date ending OK. 11. You are missing something they want. Some people do not want to bother with a second date if they do not see a definite future with you. If the other person is looking for someone to back them up for the long term, they will be looking for things like: stability, if you can support their lifestyle, and their social environment. Can you hang with their social groups, and at least equal or better their own current status. If they already have elements of a life plan in place and they do not see you fitting into their plans, a great first date, might also be the last date if they cannot envision a future with you being part of their life plan. 12. You are too needy. Perhaps things were going really well until you went a little too far and gave the impression that you were just too needy. This means that the other person did not feel that you wanted them because of the commitment they had earned from you; they felt you were so desperate for any companionship that you wanted a second date because it is better than being alone. Sometimes a needy person comes across as way too compliant; lacking any personal boundaries who might one day lash back because they do not feel they are getting the same level back from the other person that they are putting in. The scariest thing about getting attached to a needy person is that a needy person can go to one extreme and get obsessive, or go to the other extreme where since they no longer feel needy for you, they can dump you unceremoniously. Why chance any of that with a second date? When it is The Other Person (You did nothing wrong) In the next cluster of reasons we are going to look at reasons you were Ghosted that actually have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the other person. In this section, it is clear that you did not do anything wrong, or incorrectly. It is just a matter that the other person was the direct cause of you not getting a second date, and possibly involved in a situation that you may not have been aware of. So when someone tells you “no chemistry”, maybe there wasn’t any, or maybe there was, but it wasn’t enough. 13. The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they moved on to the next target. You never actually had a chance for a second date, because dating you again was never the goal. The goal was to use you for the experience of a date. 14. The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true. For example: Your date was a virgin (or very inexperienced) and did not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date. That person does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date, as they were not ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent. (This is assuming that you did not have sex on that great first date.) The pressure that a virgin feels to perform sexually on subsequent dates can be more than enough to cancel any possibility of dating you in order to avoid that pressure. At the same time, they do not have to be in a position to admit to being an adult aged virgin (which can be stigmatizing for some). 15. The person is trying hard to date someone (i.e. you) who is not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to and they were looking to be open-minded on a first date, but could not fake it enough to make a second date happen. Sometimes people date as part of an experiment to try putting themselves out there in new situations to learn about who they are (self-actualization). This could involve dating someone they weren’t really attracted too in the first place. Usually, this kind of self-actualization process requires the person to give people like you an honest chance with a series of dates before calling it quits, but not everyone has that level of resolve. 16. The person lied on the first date about something, and is worried they will get found out. You got dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you would have found out the truth. People who lie on a first date are not usually expecting to have a second date, or subsequent dates. It can happen that they realize they really like you, but they know that they have already ruined their long-term chances by lying early on. In most cases the person in question might be self-sabotaging with this kind of behavior pattern as part of a fear of intimacy, which helps keep them out of any potential serious relationships. A person that lies so much might have incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first even though they actually want to date you. They feel it is better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later, and justifying their low self-esteem. 17. The person was a professional (sugar baby/sex worker) looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis. They discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client and cancelled any second date you tried to set up. This gave them the ease of not having to reveal their true intentions if they wanted to keep their economic interests a private matter. 18. The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends. Maybe it was who could they get to date them? Maybe it was how many first dates could they get, or how far they could get someone attached to them who wanted a second date? This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest or bet that had nothing to do with you. One such scam I came across in my coaching practice involved getting the “targets” into heated text messages after being dumped and insulted. The texts would then be posted online as a means of ridicule. Very cruel indeed! If something like that ever happens to you, as much as you are being baited to write back hatefully, try as much as possible to walk away. The person you think you are cursing out might not even be the one writing to you. 19. The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some people are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push that person away really hard to see if they are going to “prove” themself and chase them. Some people will have no interest in you at all, but they love the attention you may shower on them by pushing you away, and having you come back to chase them again. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, accept it and move on. 20. The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. It might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did! 21. The person was cheating on an existing partner (or attempting to cheat) They decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you sent a series of text messages that the cheaters partner may come across. When someone tells you “no-chemistry” most people will back off at that point, which is what the cheater counts on. 22-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI). I have come across difference cases of this as a coach. Some people with an STI desire socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates where sex could happen. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared your health without you knowing it. It is easier for an infected person to dump someone than to expose their health status to a relative stranger. In other cases, a person with an STI rather than deal with being in a relationship may go out for anonymous sex without ever telling their lovers of their condition unless directly asked about it. It is easier to simply disappear after a first date sexual encounter, than to go on subsequent dates where the person would have to reveal their status of their STI, which they would rather keep private. 23. The person is just not ready for something serious. It is very possible that the person really liked you and really thought about getting more serious with you, but then decided that you were too a good a distraction and did not want to be tempted. Some people need to be hyper focused on things like getting an education, establishing a career, or even raising kids, and are just looking to causally date and have fun. However, they met you, and really liked you and even considered allowing themselves to break their own rules, which explains why the first date was so great. However, realizing that you really are the right person, but at the wrong time in their lives, it can be easier for some people to let you go completely instead of continuing to see you and be tempted with a strong distraction from their previous set goal plan. Others may or may not agree with this decision, but the issue is not whether it is agreeable; the matter is what it is. 24. The person is Immature. Very sad to say that at some point, it really can come down to a simple matter of a lack of maturity. The inability to know what they want, getting swept away in the moment of the first date, then making the snap decision to recant and disassociate without the benefit of a more personalized goodbye. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person being too immature to take any accountability or responsibility for their own actions, or for leading you on. When it is Neither of You Lastly, in this next section are situations where it is not you, or the other person that is at the source of you not getting a second date, but some real possible situations that people find themselves in, or issues of compatibility that has nothing to do with how a person feels. Rather than discuss the real reasons, it is easier for people that do not know each other beyond a great first date, to simply cite “no chemistry”, so that they can end this particular stage with you, because it is just easier that way when life happens. 25. The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of their focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal medical diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person would rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for them. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future anyways. 26. The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt them; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and they associate good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma. 27. The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation. They decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm, or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning. 28. The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so they dumped you. Family and friends can be very important factors in deciding whom a person continues to date. It is interesting to note that seeking the validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single. 29. The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment. For this reason the person had to dump all the other people they were dating. I have witnessed how dating another person can motivate an admirer to pursue someone. It is a common enough occurrence that as soon as someone starts going on dates, others who worshipped from afar, or who were dating casually until now, suddenly feel compelled to make a move and secure the affections of their would-be lover. Sometimes people can date you just to make someone else jealous for exactly this reason. 30. The ex of the other person came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell you that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed. There is nothing quite like seeing the person you like dating others to light a fire of motivation to aggressively pursue (whether out of jealousy, or a legitimate belief that they should be together). 31. Off Limits. After a great first date, the person comes to identify you as an “Off-Limits” person. This means that they came to realize that you were someone they never should have had a first date with, or they already had such a hesitation, gave into temptation, but afterwards came to their senses not to pursue you any further. Perhaps you are a co-worker and they do not want to complicate anything by putting their careers in jeopardy if things go really bad. Perhaps they realize that they were romantically involved in the past with one of your friends or a family member (or vice-versa), and would rather follow a rule of non-fraternization. Putting someone in the “Off Limits” category is about avoiding dating someone who, for reasons that have nothing to do how you feel about the person, could complicate other areas of their life. 32. Different stages in life. After a great first date the person goes home and recognizes that you are both at very different stages in life. For example: One of you wants the lifestyle that comes with retirement, while the other to seeks a lifestyle that is just starting out with a family or new career. A great first date can reveal the awesome potential you may have as a couple, but if your lifestyles are incompatible because of the different stages you may be at, those incompatibilities may be more than enough to end things before a second date ever gets started. 33. It’s about the kids. This reason lumps together all the cases having to do with having kids. Perhaps it is that one of you wants kids, and it comes up during the date that the other does not want, or cannot have kids. Perhaps is it a matter of one person never wanting to be a parent or step-parent, only to find out the other is a single parent already. It could be that one person is not interested in helping raise younger children, and the other person has younger children. It can be politically incorrect for anyone to claim they are skipping a second date, after a great first date, because of the issues surrounding having children. There is no fault, blame or judgments here. Just people that went on a date who are not compatible for a long-term involvement because the issues surrounding having kids will eventually end the involvement regardless of what a great start it had. 34. Incompatible pasts. Each day of our lives we all make choices, and with each choice we make there are consequences. We do not control what those consequences might be. Whether it is a series of choices that leads to having a criminal record, choices affecting your health today, choices about the education you opted for, or the job environments you had to work in, or choices in the people you have dated in the past, each of us has a past built on the choices we made, both good choices or bad choices. Not everyone you date will be able to handle or accept your past, just as you will not be able to handle the past of everyone you ever date. There is a difference between being non-judgmental about someone’s past, and getting romantically involved with someone with a past that you would not want to be associated with. When getting more serious beyond a first date, it is important that you are with someone that can fully accept your past. If someone does not accept your past, or you cannot accept theirs, then it is best to end it. Again, no fault, blame, or judgments here. Just people that went on a date but are not compatible for a long-term involvement. 35. Sexually incompatible. This is different from a person just being lousy at sex. The issue here is that you were not compatible. For example: If the other person was just looking for a one-night stand and you did not make the first move or give them a sign, it is not just an issue of not having sex, but an issue of having different sexual values. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with your love-making skills, but you just aren’t used to going at the pace as your lover, it does not mean you aren’t good, it just means that you are not seeking the same kind of touch. Some people like a really gentle touch, while others like it more rough. There is nothing wrong with either. Even if you had sex on the first date but the sex was not what the other person is used too, or hoped for, and there was no sign or discussion that you have similar sexual values as the other person, then a lack of sexual compatibility can be classified as a lack of sexual chemistry. 36. There actually is no chemistry. The date came across as just two good friends hanging out but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date, but if all you do is act like good buddies, it may not be enough to help generate attraction. And yes, even if you had sex on a first date, friends can experience casual sex together and enjoy their time together, but still lack the chemistry necessary to take it to the next level. So when someone tells you that they did not feel any chemistry, it is possible they are lying for any number of the reasons listed above, or maybe they are being rather truthful, in that they just did not feel what they needed to feel to see you as anything more than a friend (that they were willing to try having sex with). Conclusion Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own. Regardless of the reason, you might just be better off without a person that would Ghost you to begin with. You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work. With that said if you continue to have no second dates, you may want to sign up and see a dating coach, before no second dates turns into no first dates either.  25 reasons you got ghosted dumped after a great first date 25 reasons you got ghosted dumped after a great first date by Frank Kermit I recently came across a question about a particular dating dilemma. You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing. Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says not interested and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested, only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry? Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear after a great first date. Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date: 1-The date came across as just two good friends hanging out, but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date. But if all you do is act like good buddies without any sexual tension, then kissing may not be as passionate for the other person as it was for you. 2-The ex came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell someone that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed. 3-The person was cheating (or attempting to cheat) but in the end decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you turn stalker-like and send a series of messages that the cheater partner may come across. Hard to keep pursuing when someone tells you “no-chemistry”.  When you are tired of being "just friends" 4-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and desires socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared you life without you knowing it. It is easier to dump a person than to expose themselves by revealing the true nature of their health status to a relative stranger. 5-The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they are moving on to the next target. 6-The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so dumped you. The validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single.  Sign Up for Frank Coaching Right Now 7-Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off but the person could not react in the moment (for example, during the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group). So instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe. 8-Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs, or you simply did not address them and were neutral. 9. The person is a virgin (or very inexperienced) and does not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date and does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date. Not everyone is ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent.
10-The person is trying hard to date someone not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to, and they were looking to be open-minded for a first date, but just could not fake it enough to make a second date happen. 11-The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt him or her; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and associate those good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma. 12-The person lied on the first date about something, and worries they will get found out. So you get dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you find out the truth.  13. The other person was just looking for a one-night stand, but was waiting for you to make a move or give them a sign. When you did not, the person lost interest. If someone is just looking for a one-night-stand, they are not committed to anything they say in the moment, because the current moment is all that interests them. They were never interested in a second date. They just wanted sex that night, and when the moment passed, they aren’t interested in giving you another chance to waste time. 14-The person was a professional looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis, but discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing enough to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind, or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client. 15-The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment and thus the person had to dump all other people he or she was dating.  dating multiple women 16-The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends, about who they could get to date them, or how many first dates the person could get, or how far they could get someone attached and wanting a second date. This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have just been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest bet that had nothing to do with you. 17-The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation and decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning.
18-The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of his or her focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person might rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for him or her. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future. 19-The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, and that they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person likes you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so decided best to cut you loose before you get more attached and get really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it. 20-The person looked you up on the Internet after the first date, and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles and on your social media. With the mystery gone, and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits, it was a no-go from there. Maybe you a friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep.  The Step By Step Guide 21-The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date, to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. Might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did. 22-The person has incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first, even though they actually want to date you. Better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later and justifying their low self-esteem. 23-The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push you away really hard to see if you are going to “prove” yourself and chase them really hard. Some have no interest in you at all, but just love the attention you may shower them with by pushing you away and watching you chase them. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, maybe you should just accept it.
24-The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true. 25-Maybe the person really likes your company in the moment but does not see a long-term future. If someone is seeking out a serious long term partner, they may not want to spend their time with people who they are interested in, but do not believe will be there long term. Maybe the person really liked you and you read all the signs correctly. However, after the first date, it is possible the person reflected on their life goals and realized that they need to focus on dating people that have a serious long-term relationship candidacy and felt you did not qualify for that. Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own. You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work.   Kissing on a First Date: Rules Kissing on a First Date: Learning To Love The Lip-Lock By Frank Kermit You always go in for a kiss on the first date. A-L-W-A-Y-S. A first kiss isn't just for those dates that went really well from the get go. Sometimes, you might not really even know how you feel about someone after you have been on a full date with them, and it takes a kiss to ignite the chemistry that may be laying dormant underneath what could be confusing or neutral feelings. A kiss is likely not going to salvage a potential relationship that is dead on arrival. However, a kiss can be the start of a potentially passionate connection if all the other elements are already there and just needed the kiss as a trigger for the kiss-boom. In fact, the right kiss, with the right chemistry, can turn the end of a mediocre date into an invitation inside for a nightcap, to a satisfying breakfast in bed the next morning.
Waiting To Kiss Only Works If.... For those people that claim that waiting for a kiss adds mystery and intrigue to a potential relationship, they do not factor in that it only works that way if the two people ALREADY like each other. If even only one person in that couple is unsure, or at the very least feeling neutral about the other person, going in for the kiss forces the issue. If you like drama, going for a kiss, whether it is a good kiss, a bad kiss, or a rejected kiss carries a heck of a lot more drama with it, than not going for the kiss at all.  Friendzoned? The Effects Of NOT Kissing One thing is for sure. If you want to stay "just friends" with someone, then NOT going in for that kiss at the end of a date is a pretty secure way of only ever being a good friend. Being friends can be a good thing, but it is a lousy prospect if you want MORE than just friendship with the person at the center of your heart's affection.  Mistakes Virgins Make The No-Kissing Male Virgin I know one person who said that he never goes in for the kiss because he wants to show a girl that he likes that he respects her. For the record, this particular 26-year-old guy never had a girlfriend in his life. I asked him if he ever considered that the girl might have a different interpretation. He seemed confused. I pointed out to him that unless she understood that he was purposefully not trying to kiss her as an expression of respect, that the girls he dated might have in fact interpreted his lack of action as a lack in romantic interest in them. The look of remorse and realization that took over his face is forever etched in my memory. How To Practice Kissing For people that are new to kissing, or wanting to experiment with kissing techniques, here are some tips.
Tips for Kissing
French Kissing Note: Some people do not like French kissing, so let the other person invite your tongue in for a more passionate lip locking if it is within their scope of comfort, but never force your tongue in.
A word about boundaries... When someone tells you, "I never kiss on a first date" they are expressing a boundary. Respect it. Find out what that person's boundaries are and when a first kiss IS an option. If the person says, "a kiss is OK on a third date"; then back off and wait until the 3rd date. However, there is a catch. You respect the boundary to the point where, if your partner seeks to break his or her own boundary, you refuse to give in. It is a test. If you give in to the kiss, you will likely not see that person again. If trust and safety are important to the person who stated the boundary you will get the kiss, but likely not another date. If you hold out, you are more likely to get to see that person again, and the good night kiss might just be one of those times you end up making that person breakfast the next morning.  Dating Within Social Circles Never Kiss And Tell Finally, when you do kiss (whether it is the lousy-peck-on-the-cheek type or the lasting-wet-passionate-curl-your-toes-shivers-down-spine-tingling-in-the-fingers type of kiss) you never kiss and tell. Never. Not your best friends, not your closest confidant, and not your social networks. The person you kissed may tell, but you never let your lips slip loosely. In time, the more people that learn you keep your kiss history to yourself, the more people will offer to be part of your kiss list history. -Frank Kermit  Sign Up for Coaching To Find Your Next Great Kiss  Adult Male Virgin Advice: If She Likes You, DATE HER! (originally an article from the Frank Talks Adult Male Virgin Newsletter) Start Dating Someone That Already Wants You by Frank Kermit Once you and I starting coaching, you may be starting to remember some of those girls who were into you and wanted to date you, but who you never gave a fair chance. These women liked you enough, and you knew it. But you would not be open-minded enough. THIS is one of the reasons you are still a virgin. So here is your tip of the week: EVERY GIRL GETS ONE DATE WITH YOU. If she is into you, you go out on a date or two and GIVE HER A CHANCE. This will accomplish 3 things.
If YOU aren't willing to give a girl a chance, then on some level, you will only focus on women just like you, who would NOT be open enough to give you a chance. However, if you give every girl that likes you a chance, you will start to focus on girls that WOULD give you your chance. -Frank Kermit  Lose Your Virginity With Coaching  radio appearance: Ask Frank Anything May 31, 2017 Dating Dilemmas 82, This is Frank Kermit's 123rd appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face. Ever meet someone great, but still rejected them? Was everything great, except for chemistry? What was the weakest reason you ever left someone? Is it really that hard to meet and date someone? as well as more information about Speed Dating
 Sign Up Right Now  4 Dating Tips of What Women Want Dating: What do women really want? by Pillow Talk Gal Dating can be a veritable mine field, from how to dress, what to say and how to act. There is no exact science to dating, no how to manuals we can read. We are often left to follow our instinct and sometimes those instincts can be either bang on or dead wrong. As a woman I can only speak to men who are looking to find out what not to do if you plan on seeing a woman past the first date. Below are just a few personal tips that I hope will help to make the mine field a little less daunting.  Understanding Women using the emotional needs analysis system of Frank Kermit Tip #1 : Dress to impress. Most women will take note of a man’s appearance right away. While you are busy checking her out, she is actively doing the same but in a very different way. While you may be checking out her body, she is doing that as well, but in so much more detail. She is taking note of every little detail right down to the amount of facial hair you have and whether it’s been properly groomed. She is looking at your hands to see if your finger nails are dirty, she’s taking note on how much cologne you decided to put on (tip: less is more) and yes she is even checking to see if there is a tan line where a wedding ring might be. Some would say appearances don’t matter, not true. The old saying ‘’first impressions are important’’ is key! In life they say you have to dress for the job you want, well dating is really not that different. Women love it when a man makes an effort to look good, it shows they care, not only about their date but themselves as well. (this should be a given but it’s worth mentioning) A man who doesn’t have a good sense of style can be a complete turn off for some, where others can see it as a challenge (a fixer upper kind of guy). Either way, it’s best to play it safe and go with a nice collared shirt (no tie) and a dressy pair of jeans. You can never go wrong with business/casual style.  What To Day (and not say) on a First Date Tip #2: Leave the past behind. Nothing is more off putting than a man that seems to not have moved on from his last relationship. We all have our relationship baggage to deal with, but dealing with it while you’re on a date with another woman is not that time (this lesson applies to women too). If you’re out with a woman who just happens to enjoy the same kind of music as your ex, or she happens to like the same kinds of food as your ex, whatever you do, don’t bring it up! Mentioning any kinds of similarities between a date and an ex can lead not only to insecurities on her part, but also make you look like you’re still hung up on your ex! Of course, if you were in a serious relationship and are back on the dating scene you might notice you have a specific ‘’type’’ you are attracted to, which is fine. There are bound to be some similarities, just don’t go out of your way to mention them, especially on the first date. She will lose interest in you faster than you can say ‘’when can I see you again?’’  Get Confident Now Tip #3: Confidence versus arrogance. Women love a man who is confident, but not to the point of arrogance. It is a big turn on when we see that a man has confidence in himself but at the same time he is humble about that confidence. For example, there is nothing worse than being with a guy who is good looking and acts like he knows it. The turn on for us is, he’s good looking but thinks he isn’t (I know it’s weird but it’s true).  Learn The Easy Steps To Charisma Tip #4: Keep some thoughts to yourself. If you’re on a date with a woman whom you find very attractive, refrain from making awkward remarks about specific things you find sexy about her (especially on a first date). You might find she has a great body or sexy lips and that’s fine, but making a point about how you happen to find those traits sexy is just creepy. For example, your date happens to have very full sexy lips, don’t blurt out ‘’you have the most beautiful, sexy lips I have ever seen!’’. It comes off as if all you’re looking at are her lips, which leads a woman to think all you’re interested in are her looks and not getting to know her as a person. If the relationship progresses past a couple of weeks, then those kinds of comments most probably could be a turn on, as opposed to making her want to run screaming in the opposite direction. Keep your cool and instead of fixating on her looks, listen to her when she speaks. Really take an interest in what she has to say. A man who can have a real conversation with a woman is so sexy and believe me, she will notice if you’re not actively listening, so really put some effort into it. If the chemistry is good, you will find there won’t be much effort required. I wish you all happy dating and I hope my tips will have proven useful to at least a few people. It can be tough out there and sometimes a few tips can go a long way. -Pillow Talk Gal About Pillow Talk Gal Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons. "Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal Past Pillow Gal Posts: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/sex-and-the-city-girl-talk-for-the-ages  Sign Up For Frank Coaching Now  The 5 Million Dollar Game For Dating Compatible Financial Values in Relationships By Frank Kermit There are different ways that a person can show they love their families. Not everyone feels comfortable verbally expressing feelings. It is important for families to be aware that expressing love has many forms. Some people use words, some offer gifts, some show their love by staying up late at night perched at the window waiting for you to come home. One of the ways that people may express their love for one another is how they manage their finances towards their future relationship goals. When I coach couples about to get married or who have the intent of become life partners, one of the areas I cover with them is the exploration of their compatible values, including their financial vales. It is important that couples who are planning to build a future together, which may include planning to have children together (or coming to terms with how they will jointly raise any existing children from previous relationships) also talk about financial planning for their futures as well. Planning to have children together? I get the couple to talk about a possible education fund, or the possibility of a trust fund. Some couples feel that it is a good idea, while others might feel that it is best to let their children earn and pay for their own education after high school. Not everyone has the same financial value system, and it is important to know if the person you want to build a future with has similar financial values than you do. Some people make home ownership a goal and thus make saving for a down payment very important, while others prefer to rent as a means of supporting the interests of their lifestyle. Again, the issue is not about which set of values are appropriate or inappropriate, but whether you and your future life partner have similar and compatible financial values. A fun game I have couples play together is the 5 Million-Dollar Question. I discuss this conversational game and more in my Ebook: 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK I ask each individual in a couple to write down what they would do with their first million, their second million, their third million, their fourth million and their fifth million. The money could be from an earned income, a lottery win, an inheritance…that part does not matter. What is key is that each person must write what he or she would do with the money as it came in, IN THE ORDER they would allocate the money.
The point of this game is to find out if the couples are financially compatible with their financial values. A person who’s first plan for the incoming first million is to quit their job and go on an unplanned trip around the world (buying clothes and other necessities as needed) has a very different value system than the person who would first immediately pay off all debts. Again, this is not to judge the financial values of every person. It is about exploring if the person you plan to build a future with has similar and compatible financial values. One thing is for certain. The effects of incompatible financial values on the future of a relationship is no game at all. It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Monogamy Must Be Earned Making Monogamy Work: Monogamy Must Be Earned By Frank Kermit *This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK Monogamy can be easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy. Monogamy works for monogamous people however: the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them. The Rules of Monogamy: 1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule. 2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1. And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is. The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is. Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you are monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you are in a monogamous relationship. That is a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you do not put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists. The bottom line, when you are in a monogamous relationship, any time that you are out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it is a potential threat to your monogamy. As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious. Some couples may feel that using sex toys as “marital aids” help aid a challenge in the marriage while other couples may view using sex toys as a threat to their relationship. It is up to the couple to work things out, communicate and deal with their individual insecurities. BTW, you can learn more about using Sex Toys with a new lover in my Ebook NOW WHAT? UNIQUE WAYS TO CATER TO HER SEXUAL E.N.A. EBOOK There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I do not want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that is essentially what they are getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take. I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you are not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either. As I teach it, you do not kill what you are trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy. When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you are hanging out with wants to have sex with you." As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner. So what? I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do. Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you are sure that the person you are choosing is capable of giving it to you. A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle. As I teach it in my 4 hours audio program lecture, MAKING MONOGAMY WORK - WHEN ONE IS ALL YOU NEED AUDIO you do not make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you are going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose. For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just do not have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having earned the little extras and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home. Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific. If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle does not threaten your monogamy. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition to Monogamy as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time If you have any questions about managing the monogamy of your relationship sign up for a couples session.  Interview: Starting Over With Dating Dating Dilemmas 79, this is Frank Kermit's 120th appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face. What does a person go through starting over when dating? How does a person get over an ex, or move on from a break up? Is it good to get right back out there and date after a break up? What is some good speed dating advice? How does a person get over unrequited love? When your ex starts to date someone else before you do? Montreal, Toronto and Nova Scotia  Dating a Man With Kids, and Penguin Stuff Dating a Man With Kids, and Stuff About Penguins
By Avi Tanny "Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now" This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father). I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point. I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating. To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating: 1) What am I offering? 2) What is my date offering? 3) Do we have specific common interests? 4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)? Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something? As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children? My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest. Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem. However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person. The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years? Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight, and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date). To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell. The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent. I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children. Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me. In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions. Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion? Life is good! Think of ways to make it better. I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case. The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland. Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome. Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza. Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at [email protected]  Horse Back Riding on a Date (This is a contributed post)
Horse Back Riding as a First Date By Nancy Smythe So you want to suggest an equestrian outing as a first date. It could certainly be romantic in a riding-off-into-the-sunset kind of way...or not. Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan your outing to make sure things go as smoothly as possible. It is important to consider that riding a horse, even a calm, well trained one can still be risky. This is a living animal, not an amusement park ride and the risk of falling off is real. Things such as severe allergies (to the horse, dust or hay), mobility issues etc may limit what kind of activities you can do. Be sure to ask your date ahead of time if he or she has allergies or any other issues that would prevent them from enjoying the activity you have planned. So to start, what kind of activity would you and your date prefer? There are a surprising number of stables that offer a variety of services to novice riders within an hour radius of most downtown areas. It is important to choose a place that will offer the type of experience you both are looking for but with an acceptable level of safety. It may be for a half hour trail ride all the way to full weekend trail rides with camping, or an hour introductory riding lesson, or even just a petting zoo/farm visit type of experience. A good place to start your search would be with the Provincial (or State) equestrian association of your area. In the province of Quebec we have Cheval QuÈbec and the Equi-QualitÈ program which lists stables that meet the safety and horse welfare criteria set out by our national equestrian association. There you can search by region and type of activity to find just the right place for your date. If you are referred to a barn that isn't part of Equi-QUalitÈ or a similar program, it may still be a good place, but make sure of the following: Are they insured? It is generally standard to be required to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks. If they don't have one to sign, they probably aren't insured in case of an accident. If you are going to ride, do they have helmets for you to wear? It should also be standard that they have you wear a helmet. If they don't, not a good sign either. Is your guide certified by your national or provincial association? This is not necessarily standard (and not really necessary if you are visiting a farm but not intending to ride) but is becoming more common and also goes a long way to ensuring your safety and enjoyment of the outing. If they are sending you and your date out on the trail with a non-certified teenager as a guide, definitely not a good idea. Most associations will have lists of certified trainers, instructors and guides available on their web sites. Once you've booked your outing and are preparing to leave, make sure you and your date are properly dressed. Skirts, dresses, shorts, sandals and high heels that are commonly worn clothes for summer dates are major no-no’s. It is dangerous, uncomfortable and a reputable place shouldn't even allow you to ride in such clothing. The best clothing for riding is fairly close fitting but not restricting. Sports pants and boots with a small heel (similar to cowboy boots) are ideal for the average trail ride. Jeans are ok, but unless you have real riding jeans, you are likely to get blisters or chaffing in all the wrong places because of the seams. Not particularly conducive to continuing the date after the ride. Sun block and insect repellent is recommended as with all outdoor activities. Now you and your date are at the barn and ready to ride! Make sure you pay attention to the instructions your guide gives you. Following guidelines will keep you safe and help to ensure an enjoyable ride. Do not insist on galloping or even trotting if your date isn't comfortable with it. Going at speed on a horse is not as easy as it looks. It takes skill and balance that is most often developed by many hours in the saddle. So while keeping the horse at a walk may not satisfy the adrenaline seekers out there, it may still prevent a trip to the hospital. Be respectful of your date's comfort zone. Trail riding or visiting a farm can be a great way to get some quiet time to talk and get to know your date while enjoying a natural setting. So plan ahead, be prepared and enjoy the ride! Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills. To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook  Dating With Insecurities Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find. Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth. People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved. When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success. For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves. Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity). In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible. This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating. Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved. Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique. Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people. When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you. This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you. However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about. The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it. One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people. Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them. They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them. How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself. Frank Kermit  Dating With Your Disabilities Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life. On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us. You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people. Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY. Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general. Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists. A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others. Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts. When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits. In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability. However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability. For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues. Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it? Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted. However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others. That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone? Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression. Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable. There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you. They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists. Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life. As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again. Frank Kermit  Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex) in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Sexual Compatibility When Dating By Frank Kermit Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating. A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is: How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new? Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better. This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex. Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best. This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens. It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek. In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work. There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do. The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved. A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved. These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values. It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex. Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex. It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time  I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Separation and Dating By Frank Kermit One of the most damaging actions an individual can take is to start dating someone new when going through a separation with their serious long-term partner (spouse, common-law partner or a defacto-union). When I use the term separation here, it is not to be confused with a Legal Separation, which is a legal status, and an alternative to divorce for couples that have moral or religious objections to legal divorce. I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Some therapists recommend that individuals date other people. I completely disagree with this stance. Involving anyone new into a dynamic that is already in a vulnerable shape that turns it into an emotional triangle can wreak havoc on both partners, cause incredible distress on any children who rely on the partners who are separated, as well as cause confusion for the people you date. The point of such a separation is not to experience it as a trial divorce, as many couples unfortunately assume it to be. In fact, the whole reason that separations occur is to work at every possible solution to give the relationship every chance it can have to survive. You do not need to separate first in order to file for divorce (except in the rarest of cases where you must be separated for a specific period of time for a court ordered divorce when one of the partners refuses to agree to it). If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Do not sugarcoat a divorce with a separation if you have no intention of working on your current relationship while separated. What to do during a separation: Work on yourself and whatever issues you may have that contributed to the separation. Get tested for depression. Seek out therapy and coaching. Sober up and deal with your demons. Learn about how to address emotional needs and how to have your own emotional needs addressed. Spend your time alone doing self-reflection and bettering your understanding of love and relationships. Ask yourself why you would have made the choices you made that got you into this situation to begin with. Ask yourself what you have to change to build a future life plan where you will not end up here again. If you invest in a couple of years of this kind of time into healing, then so be it. What is a couple of years compared to the lifetime you can have when reconciled with your partner, and other parent, of your children? It is worth it. What not to do during a separation: It is not a time to form a close bond with new people that would threaten your relationship. Do not hang out with friends and family that have always encouraged you to break it off. It is not a time to be hanging out in bars playing the pickup game. It is not a time to be part of any unplanned pregnancy. It is not a time to be isolating your children from your partner as revenge on your partner. It is not a time to live out all those things you always wanted to do, but were prohibited by your relationship. It is not a time to make significant asset purchases like a new home. It is not a time to make any life altering plans given the lack of emotional stability in your life. It is not a time to uproot your kids from the remaining stability in their lives. Separation does not automatically lead to divorce unless you let it. It is up to you and your partner to put in the work so that it does not happen. In the event you are the only one trying to work on yourself and your partner is not, the exercise is NOT in vain. Do it anyways. At worst, you may influence your partner into participating. At best, you will reach a level of emotional health and be able to teach your children from a broken home what it is to be able to manage an emotionally healthy relationship by serving as an example. If you do not make the efforts to heal, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you do heal, but do not get the co-operation you need to save your relationship, you can take comfort in the fact you will be able to form better relationships for yourself in the future, which will benefit you, and any children who will be touched by your new relationships. People are their repeating behavior patterns, and it is likely that whatever the issues that broke up your first serious relationship, are likely going to break up the second one as well, unless you work on yourself to correct those behavior patterns. Changing your partner will not solve the issues you carry inside. When the second serious relationship ends, is when most people realize they likely would have had an easier and possibly happier life (for their children as well) if they had just worked out the issues with their first serious relationship. At the very least, be ethical if you are enacting a separation with your partner. You are dealing with another human being, and giving any false hope when you have already decided that this is the beginning of the end, is a horrible thing to do. It is not just your partner you need to consider here. Even if you are too angry and resentful at your partner, and have reached a point where you just do not care, any children you have with your partner will surely be affected by the negative emotions. Your children are half you, and half your partner, and will internalize your negative feelings towards your partner, no matter how much you try to shield them from it. If you do date someone while in the middle of a separation, the worst thing you can do is throw it in your partner's face for your own satisfaction, or as a means of getting a reaction out of your partner. In fact, this is creating a divide, not just with your partner (which you may be too drunk on negative emotions to care about); it has the incredible potential to also turn your own children against you, through no encouragement from your partner. This type of violation of security in your children is more difficult to heal than the problems you have with your adult partner. If you want to end it and leave, then file for divorce and be done with it. Telling your partner that you are separating to think about things and that you intend to make the effort to work things out, when in actuality you are just making it easier to manage your secret affair that you plan to leave your partner for, is a mistake. The odds are high that you will surely end up alone, or in a worse situation than you are in now. Statistically, new relationships that start out as affairs rarely last any significant amount of time, but the damage done to the children who learn of the affair is longer lasting. Separation is no time to start dating new people. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
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