(originally an article from the Frank Talks Adult Male Virgin Newsletter)
Start Dating Someone That Already Wants You
by Frank Kermit
Once you and I starting coaching, you may be starting to remember some of those girls who were into you and wanted to date you, but who you never gave a fair chance.
These women liked you enough, and you knew it.
But you would not be open-minded enough.
THIS is one of the reasons you are still a virgin.
So here is your tip of the week:
EVERY GIRL GETS ONE DATE WITH YOU.
If she is into you, you go out on a date or two and
GIVE HER A CHANCE.
This will accomplish 3 things.
If YOU aren't willing to give a girl a chance, then on some level, you will only focus on women just like you, who would NOT be open enough to give you a chance.
However, if you give every girl that likes you a chance, you will start to focus on girls that WOULD give you your chance.
May 31, 2017 Dating Dilemmas 82,
This is Frank Kermit's 123rd appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's.
Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
Ever meet someone great, but still rejected them?
Was everything great, except for chemistry?
What was the weakest reason you ever left someone?
Is it really that hard to meet and date someone?
as well as more information about Speed Dating
Dating: What do women really want?
by Pillow Talk Gal
Dating can be a veritable mine field, from how to dress, what to say and how to act. There is no exact science to dating, no how to manuals we can read. We are often left to follow our instinct and sometimes those instincts can be either bang on or dead wrong.
As a woman I can only speak to men who are looking to find out what not to do if you plan on seeing a woman past the first date.
Below are just a few personal tips that I hope will help to make the mine field a little less daunting.
Tip #1 : Dress to impress.
Most women will take note of a man’s appearance right away. While you are busy checking her out, she is actively doing the same but in a very different way. While you may be checking out her body, she is doing that as well, but in so much more detail. She is taking note of every little detail right down to the amount of facial hair you have and whether it’s been properly groomed.
She is looking at your hands to see if your finger nails are dirty, she’s taking note on how much cologne you decided to put on (tip: less is more) and yes she is even checking to see if there is a tan line where a wedding ring might be.
Some would say appearances don’t matter, not true.
The old saying ‘’first impressions are important’’ is key!
In life they say you have to dress for the job you want, well dating is really not that different. Women love it when a man makes an effort to look good, it shows they care, not only about their date but themselves as well. (this should be a given but it’s worth mentioning)
A man who doesn’t have a good sense of style can be a complete turn off for some, where others can see it as a challenge (a fixer upper kind of guy).
Either way, it’s best to play it safe and go with a nice collared shirt (no tie) and a dressy pair of jeans.
You can never go wrong with business/casual style.
Tip #2: Leave the past behind.
Nothing is more off putting than a man that seems to not have moved on from his last relationship. We all have our relationship baggage to deal with, but dealing with it while you’re on a date with another woman is not that time (this lesson applies to women too).
If you’re out with a woman who just happens to enjoy the same kind of music as your ex, or she happens to like the same kinds of food as your ex, whatever you do, don’t bring it up!
Mentioning any kinds of similarities between a date and an ex can lead not only to insecurities on her part, but also make you look like you’re still hung up on your ex!
Of course, if you were in a serious relationship and are back on the dating scene you might notice you have a specific ‘’type’’ you are attracted to, which is fine.
There are bound to be some similarities, just don’t go out of your way to mention them, especially on the first date. She will lose interest in you faster than you can say ‘’when can I see you again?’’
Tip #3: Confidence versus arrogance.
Women love a man who is confident, but not to the point of arrogance.
It is a big turn on when we see that a man has confidence in himself but at the same time he is humble about that confidence.
For example, there is nothing worse than being with a guy who is good looking and acts like he knows it.
The turn on for us is, he’s good looking but thinks he isn’t (I know it’s weird but it’s true).
Tip #4: Keep some thoughts to yourself.
If you’re on a date with a woman whom you find very attractive, refrain from making awkward remarks about specific things you find sexy about her (especially on a first date).
You might find she has a great body or sexy lips and that’s fine, but making a point about how you happen to find those traits sexy is just creepy.
For example, your date happens to have very full sexy lips, don’t blurt out ‘’you have the most beautiful, sexy lips I have ever seen!’’.
It comes off as if all you’re looking at are her lips, which leads a woman to think all you’re interested in are her looks and not getting to know her as a person.
If the relationship progresses past a couple of weeks, then those kinds of comments most probably could be a turn on, as opposed to making her want to run screaming in the opposite direction.
Keep your cool and instead of fixating on her looks, listen to her when she speaks. Really take an interest in what she has to say.
A man who can have a real conversation with a woman is so sexy and believe me, she will notice if you’re not actively listening, so really put some effort into it.
If the chemistry is good, you will find there won’t be much effort required.
I wish you all happy dating and I hope my tips will have proven useful to at least a few people.
It can be tough out there and sometimes a few tips can go a long way.
-Pillow Talk Gal
About Pillow Talk Gal
Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal
Past Pillow Gal Posts:
Compatible Financial Values in Relationships
By Frank Kermit
There are different ways that a person can show they love their families.
Not everyone feels comfortable verbally expressing feelings.
It is important for families to be aware that expressing love has many forms. Some people use words, some offer gifts, some show their love by staying up late at night perched at the window waiting for you to come home. One of the ways that people may express their love for one another is how they manage their finances towards their future relationship goals.
When I coach couples about to get married or who have the intent of become life partners, one of the areas I cover with them is the exploration of their compatible values, including their financial vales.
It is important that couples who are planning to build a future together, which may include planning to have children together (or coming to terms with how they will jointly raise any existing children from previous relationships) also talk about financial planning for their futures as well.
Planning to have children together? I get the couple to talk about a possible education fund, or the possibility of a trust fund. Some couples feel that it is a good idea, while others might feel that it is best to let their children earn and pay for their own education after high school.
Not everyone has the same financial value system, and it is important to know if the person you want to build a future with has similar financial values than you do.
Some people make home ownership a goal and thus make saving for a down payment very important, while others prefer to rent as a means of supporting the interests of their lifestyle.
Again, the issue is not about which set of values are appropriate or inappropriate, but whether you and your future life partner have similar and compatible financial values.
A fun game I have couples play together is the 5 Million-Dollar Question. I discuss this conversational game and more in my Ebook: 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK
I ask each individual in a couple to write down what they would do with their first million, their second million, their third million, their fourth million and their fifth million. The money could be from an earned income, a lottery win, an inheritance…that part does not matter.
What is key is that each person must write what he or she would do with the money as it came in, IN THE ORDER they would allocate the money.
The point of this game is to find out if the couples are financially compatible with their financial values.
A person who’s first plan for the incoming first million is to quit their job and go on an unplanned trip around the world (buying clothes and other necessities as needed) has a very different value system than the person who would first immediately pay off all debts. Again, this is not to judge the financial values of every person. It is about exploring if the person you plan to build a future with has similar and compatible financial values.
One thing is for certain.
The effects of incompatible financial values on the future of a relationship is no game at all.
It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add?
Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
Making Monogamy Work: Monogamy Must Be Earned
By Frank Kermit
*This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK
Monogamy can be easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy.
Monogamy works for monogamous people however:
the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them.
The Rules of Monogamy:
1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule.
2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1.
And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is.
The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is.
Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you are monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you are in a monogamous relationship. That is a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you do not put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists.
The bottom line, when you are in a monogamous relationship, any time that you are out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it is a potential threat to your monogamy.
As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious.
Some couples may feel that using sex toys as “marital aids” help aid a challenge in the marriage while other couples may view using sex toys as a threat to their relationship. It is up to the couple to work things out, communicate and deal with their individual insecurities. BTW, you can learn more about using Sex Toys with a new lover in my Ebook NOW WHAT? UNIQUE WAYS TO CATER TO HER SEXUAL E.N.A. EBOOK
There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I do not want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that is essentially what they are getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take.
I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you are not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either.
As I teach it, you do not kill what you are trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy.
When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you are hanging out with wants to have sex with you."
As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner.
I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do.
Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you are sure that the person you are choosing is capable of giving it to you.
A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle.
As I teach it in my 4 hours audio program lecture, MAKING MONOGAMY WORK - WHEN ONE IS ALL YOU NEED AUDIO you do not make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you are going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose.
For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just do not have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having earned the little extras and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home.
Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific.
If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle does not threaten your monogamy.
Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition to Monogamy as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time
If you have any questions about managing the monogamy of your relationship sign up for a couples session.
Dating Dilemmas 79, this is Frank Kermit's 120th appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
What does a person go through starting over when dating?
How does a person get over an ex, or move on from a break up?
Is it good to get right back out there and date after a break up?
What is some good speed dating advice?
How does a person get over unrequited love?
When your ex starts to date someone else before you do?
Montreal, Toronto and Nova Scotia
Dating a Man With Kids, and Stuff About Penguins
By Avi Tanny
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"
This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.
I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.
To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.
Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
(This is a contributed post)
Horse Back Riding as a First Date
By Nancy Smythe
So you want to suggest an equestrian outing as a first date. It could certainly be romantic in a riding-off-into-the-sunset kind of way...or not.
Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan your outing to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.
It is important to consider that riding a horse, even a calm, well trained one can still be risky. This is a living animal, not an amusement park ride and the risk of falling off is real.
Things such as severe allergies (to the horse, dust or hay), mobility issues etc may limit what kind of activities you can do.
Be sure to ask your date ahead of time if he or she has allergies or any other issues that would prevent them from enjoying the activity you have planned.
So to start, what kind of activity would you and your date prefer?
There are a surprising number of stables that offer a variety of services to novice riders within an hour radius of most downtown areas. It is important to choose a place that will offer the type of experience you both are looking for but with an acceptable level of safety.
It may be for a half hour trail ride all the way to full weekend trail rides with camping, or an hour introductory riding lesson, or even just a petting zoo/farm visit type of experience.
A good place to start your search would be with the Provincial (or State) equestrian association of your area. In the province of Quebec we have Cheval QuÈbec and the Equi-QualitÈ program which lists stables that meet the safety and horse welfare criteria set out by our national equestrian association. There you can search by region and type of activity to find just the right place for your date. If you are referred to a barn that isn't part of Equi-QUalitÈ or a similar program, it may still be a good place, but make sure of the following:
Are they insured? It is generally standard to be required to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks. If they don't have one to sign, they probably aren't insured in case of an accident.
If you are going to ride, do they have helmets for you to wear? It should also be standard that they have you wear a helmet. If they don't, not a good sign either.
Is your guide certified by your national or provincial association? This is not necessarily standard (and not really necessary if you are visiting a farm but not intending to ride) but is becoming more common and also goes a long way to ensuring your safety and enjoyment of the outing.
If they are sending you and your date out on the trail with a non-certified teenager as a guide, definitely not a good idea. Most associations will have lists of certified trainers, instructors and guides available on their web sites.
Once you've booked your outing and are preparing to leave, make sure you and your date are properly dressed. Skirts, dresses, shorts, sandals and high heels that are commonly worn clothes for summer dates are major no-no’s. It is dangerous, uncomfortable and a reputable place shouldn't even allow you to ride in such clothing.
The best clothing for riding is fairly close fitting but not restricting. Sports pants and boots with a small heel (similar to cowboy boots) are ideal for the average trail ride. Jeans are ok, but unless you have real riding jeans, you are likely to get blisters or chaffing in all the wrong places because of the seams. Not particularly conducive to continuing the date after the ride.
Sun block and insect repellent is recommended as with all outdoor activities.
Now you and your date are at the barn and ready to ride! Make sure you pay attention to the instructions your guide gives you. Following guidelines will keep you safe and help to ensure an enjoyable ride.
Do not insist on galloping or even trotting if your date isn't comfortable with it. Going at speed on a horse is not as easy as it looks. It takes skill and balance that is most often developed by many hours in the saddle.
So while keeping the horse at a walk may not satisfy the adrenaline seekers out there, it may still prevent a trip to the hospital.
Be respectful of your date's comfort zone.
Trail riding or visiting a farm can be a great way to get some quiet time to talk and get to know your date while enjoying a natural setting. So plan ahead, be prepared and enjoy the ride!
Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills.
To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook
Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit
Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find.
Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth.
People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved.
When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success.
For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves.
Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity).
In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible.
This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating.
Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved.
Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique.
Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people.
When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you.
This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you.
However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about.
The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it.
One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people.
Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them.
They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them.
How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself.
Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit
I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life.
On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us.
You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people.
Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY.
Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general.
Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists.
A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others.
Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts.
When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits.
In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability.
However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability.
For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues.
Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it?
Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted.
However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others.
That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone?
Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression.
Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable.
There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you.
They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists.
Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life.
As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes