 Tips for Dating Criteria Checklists Tips for Your Dating Criteria Checklist by Frank Kermit When coaching someone that wants to STOP BEING SINGLE, it is important to examine that person's dating criteria. Sometimes, the reason that someone is forever stuck being single is the criteria itself. Here are some tips to make sure that your criteria is not holding you back: 1-Criteria that is Firm If you are firm in your criteria that you will not waiver on, then right or wrong, you should be explicit in expressing your criteria. This means if you are online dating, make sure your criteria is in your online dating profile. If you are discussing setting up a first date, express your criteria before you actually meet, so that you do not waste your time, or the time of the other person. Note: You will always have to screen and filter when dating. Even if you make your criteria clear, it does not always stop people from wanting you to give them a chance. 2-Is the Criteria Relevant? Next would be to explore if your criteria is actually relevant. Is it a matter of initial attraction? Lust? Is it relevant to a long term life plan? To help you figure out if your criteria is actually relevant; ask the question: Under what circumstances would that criteria not be important (if any)? If the criteria would not matter under a number of circumstances, then it is not a relevant criteria. 3-Is the Criteria Counter-Productive? Would her having such criteria turn off your potential target audience? Some people will be offended to your "fetish". For example, the members of the amputee community want relationships like any other people, but some resent being with a partner that has an amputee fetish. Would your criteria potentially turn off the very people that embody that criteria? Then you need to be ready to face a little more rejection in the process of dating until you find someone that appreciates your interests. 4-Is the Criteria Hypocritical? Do you get resentful if you get rejected when someone uses the same kind of criteria against you? If so, you need to rethink your criteria, because being a hypocrite can get in the way of your finding love when dating. For example, if you reject someone because they make less money than you, would you be upset if someone rejects you because you make less money than them? If you reject someone for their body type, would you be upset if someone rejected you because of your body type? If so, the best way to attract more open minded folks is to be more open minded. (You would be amazed how offended some people get in coaching when confronted about their hypocrisy) 5-Is the Criteria Reciprocal? Just because you have an ideal partner in mind, that does not mean that the person you seek, is seeking you. One of the hardest questions a coaching client must face, is if you are "worthy" of the affection of the person you are seeking. So, ask yourself if your ideal partner would be attracted to you. If the answer is "No", then it may be time to re-evaluate your goals in the next coaching session. 6-Is Your Criteria Demographic Realistic? Based, on your collective criteria, is there enough of a demographic for you to actually find someone to be with? When you put all your criteria together, does the composite person you are seeking even exist? Is there a large enough pool of candidates for you to date from? If not, get real. Get very real, very fast, or the only thing that you will guarantee is that you will continue to be single. Lets use a fun example: Let's say you have the criteria that you will ONLY date: -a working architect -currently living in your small town (you refuse to move and you refuse to engage in a long distance relationship) and then we do analysis of that demographic and find out: -there are only 3 architects in your small town, -one is retired (so not currently working) -one is married (not available) -one is of a sexual orientation that would not be attracted to you then your criteria for what is out there would not be realistic, and we can predict that you will continue to be single 7-Is Your Criteria Just An Excuse? And finally is this criteria actually a means to make it impossible for you to find someone? Some people have fears of intimacy that mask themselves as ridiculous criteria. Could this be your case here? It is easier to be thought of as "too picky" instead of "incapable of a relationship." When your criteria list is more vast than your list of skills that represent your ability to attract a partner, that is often a sign of some kind of fear of intimacy. It could be a fear of emotional intimacy, being vulnerable, a fear of physical sex, or even the fear of the responsibility that comes with getting romantically involved with others. If you are using your criteria as a means to keep people away, then definitely sign up for an hour of Coaching to see what Frank can do for you.  Sign Up for an Hour of Coaching to see what can be done for you.
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 HOW TO START DATING
The Question: "How do I date?" -Without a Partner Frank Advice Answer: Dear Without a Partner, It really depends what you are looking for. Your approach will be different if you are looking for something more casual (friends-with-benefits dating) or something more serious (long term commitment). Once you have an idea of what you are looking for commitment wise, you are ready for the next step. The next step is to create a profile of the kind of person that would want, and who would be a good candidate for you. Once you can identify some of the criteria you are looking for, it becomes easier to identify where you would meet such a person. For example: (and let’s use a particular one), let’s say you seek a sexually adventurous partner who is open minded and willing to explore new sensations with you. Well now that you have that profile, the question becomes: Where does someone who fits that profile spend their time? Perhaps a popular sexually themed event or show? You can explore if there are communities that put on such events locally, or seek out online communities that cater to your particular interests to meet like minded people. Arrange times to meet people from the community or communities that you have found. Take the time to talk to each person you meet privately. A local public coffee shop is an ideal location as it is public enough to be safe and private enough to share stories. The key here is to put your best self forward. Do not lie about anything! Demonstrate that you are looking for a partner and focus on what you have to give to another person. Do not make it about what the other person must give to you. If you are dedicated and follow through on this work (and yes dating is work) and you should have at least one, if not more dating partners within 90 days. After you are in a relationship/s, your focus should be on relationship management. Do not take your partners for granted but do not allow yourself to be used either. This information is just the start of learning to date and having a relationship/s. Coaching helps in many ways, including having an accountability partner, who can help keep you on the right track. Sign up for COACHING and we can get started. -Frank Because I have to be  RELATIONSHIP AND DATING COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT    Why dating is harder for older women part 8  trigger warning Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Desperate! If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known. When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives. Right. What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior. If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her, (seeking her friends APPROVAL) I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.  from artist Ricky Whitney Sometimes the reason a woman is perpetually single despite everything she has going for her, IS HER FRIENDS. Your friends could become the saboteurs at the crossroads of your journey of love in this life. Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!). In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship! Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke. I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want. If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way. If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it. If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her. Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.  learn to be charming It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend. Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it. Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval. You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences. If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you. An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive. Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about. If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life. A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend. A true friend is OK with this. Reason # 6 Being Single for Too Long You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up. It took place 10 years ago! Then it hits you; you have been single a long time. Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).  4 Communication tips for couples are highlighted in this contributed post. A rocky patch in your relationship can cause distress to both sides. It can affect your work, your social life, and your family life too, especially if there are children involved. While it may feel like your relationship is coming to an end, ups and downs are very common in relationships, and you may be able to work through your issues to make it out the other end happier and more content. Take a look at some of the solutions below that could help you both work through your issues to get your relationship back on track.  holding hands https://tinyurl.com/y8bucma2 Talk
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. However, this is one element that many people struggle with, and it’s poor communication that can ruin a relationship. Talking through your issues is difficult, but if you can do so in a way that is non-argumentative and simply expresses how both sides feel, you may find that there is an easier solution to your problems than you realize. Take some time to really talk to each other about the things that have been bothering you for a much healthier relationship where both sides feel heard. Counselling You may not really know much about couples counselling, or feel that it is not for you, but it is something that helps thousands of couples each day to enjoy healthier, more honest relationships. Whether you have problems communicating with each other, you suffer from sexual intimacy issues or anything else that may be causing your rough patch; couples counselling could be the thing that brings you both together again in a safe and open space. Get away from it all Sometimes it’s outside factors that cause our relationships to suffer. If work is affecting your relationship for example, or even one person having a much more active social life than the other, then a vacation could be just what the two of you need. Putting physical distance between the issue and your relationship could be beneficial, and a vacation will give you both the chance to relax without distractions to leave you both feeling much happier when you return. A vacation will also help you establish some perspective so that when you return, you can find ways to manage your workload better or prioritize your relationship over late nights with friends to help you refocus on your relationship. Spend more time together Sometimes the issue can be that you’re just not spending time together. It can be difficult if your schedules clash, or you’re in a long-distance relationship, but these are issues that can be resolved by spending more quality time together. Try to spend time together, enjoying date nights that are free from distractions (that means keeping your phones away!), that let you both catch up on how you’re doing and enjoy each other’s company. Relationship issues can be difficult, but for many people, they are a phase that will disappear with a bit of work. It’s important to remember that love is not a power play, so it’s important to treat your partner as an equal and ensure that they do the same in return. It’s difficult to deal with issues, but tackling them head on will benefit your relationship and make you both stronger for it.  Are You Willing To Pay The Price? Are You Willing To Pay The Price? by Frank Kermit I have been coaching for nearly two decades at the time of writing this article. There are times when I feel very proud and inspired by certain coaching clients of mine. And other times, I see really good people, with really good hearts, just not acting as if they are willing to do the work necessary to have the love lives they so desperately claim to want. It takes hard work and sacrifice to makes changes in a person’s life. The more ingrained and practiced your repeating behavior patterns, the more challenging it will be to change those same behavior patterns and replace them with new behavior patterns. Learning the theory of addressing the emotional needs of others (and standing up for yourself) is just a first step in the process. Putting it into practice, especially when you are not used to it, can be a little more intense than what most people are comfortable with doing.
The result is the same. Your refusal to speak up ensures that you will continue feeling bad due to the actions of others, as well as, it ensures you will continue to build up feelings of resentment against the other person. Resentment can kill even the most devoted feelings of affection between two people. There is a price to pay for having a great love life. It means stepping outside of your comfort zone and committing new behaviors to change very specific situations in your life.
There is no waiting until you feel you are ready. Chances are you will never be fully ready. That is the price: To commit to new actions even you do not feel like it. It is a high price of discomfort to be sure. Just keep in mind the potential benefits you will acquire in the long run, in exchange for some short-term pains: A love life that brings smiles instead of tears Frank Kermit  Sign Up for Coaching to Pay the Price  Such a Thing as Happily Single? Is there such a thing as Happily Single? By Frank Kermit Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life. Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, o r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon. This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited.
Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life. It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change. When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: "Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person?" There is no set answer. It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question.
If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date. Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Get Frank Coaching Right Now  Learning To Make The Choices You Can Live With Your Choices Today Become The Past You Have To Share Tomorrow By Frank Kermit Young adults tend to discount how the choices they make today will impact their futures tomorrow. At least, when it comes to relationships. The best example of this is the young adults who are swayed to enter into the world of the sex trade. These 18-23 year olds are convinced that what they do today just to make enough money to get by will not be something that affects their futures. Sometimes it is people within the industries that try to convince potential porn stars and exotic dancers how no one will ever recognize their faces in the future. Sometimes it is the young adults themselves who rationalize that since they do not have any aspirations to form a public career that the chances of this being used against them are nil. However, that is simply not the case. Stories of former porn stars losing their jobs as high school teachers are real. When their past catches up with them in the hands of underage students who have passed around sex videos of the teacher through their phones, there is very little a teacher can do. Even when the former porn stars in question are ready to handle the ordeal of having every one of those students knowing such intimate images of the teacher, it may not matter. The school administration and sometimes the parents of the students as well, may demand that the teacher be fired anyway. Stories of former exotic dancers or escort service providers, running into past clients at boardroom meetings are real. Does it matter that a university student put themselves through school with sex trade work and independently earned that entry-level executive position? To some it may not matter at all. To others, it could matter a great deal, and enough so that it could be an obstacle on a personal career path. The best advice anyone can give to a young adult is to remind him or her that even if they have no interest in a career that could be affect by their choices today, or even if they do not plan to be parents, over the course of a lifetime, things can change very dramatically. No one can predict exactly how things are going to change and turn out. As a young adult, you may not really care about the consequences of your actions…but the older adult you become may feel differently about it. With all that said, I want to be fair ...and state that there actually are a number of sex trade workers that are more than happy doing what they are doing, do so proudly and are willing to admit it and accept the fact that this part of their lives will follow them forever. Those who have the best grasp of this are those that fully accept the consequences of their past (and possible present) career choices. That means that they acknowledge the good elements (the hours, the pay) and are forthright about the bad elements (bad clients, discrimination, possible unsafe working conditions). An insider on the porno industry once told me that many of the flight-by-night starlets that disappear after a handful of appearances end up living very normal quiet lives as married soccer moms. They also live with the fear that someone who knows them may find their obscure videos, recognize them, and threaten their new life with it. If you have a past that might threaten your future, the best things you can do about it is be honest with your future long-term partner and check out if they also can accept it, and handle the potential consequences. If you are getting into a serious relationship with someone, to the point where you are thinking about getting married, then you must consider putting your fiancé through the ultimate test before he or she becomes your spouse. Think of your deepest, darkest, most horrible thing that you did in your past that you make it a point not to tell anyone. If you think that sharing that experience would cause your fiancé not to marry you then you have a choice. Take the chance and tell them anyway knowing you might lose your relationship, or do not get married and end the relationship altogether. The truth about all our pasts has a funny way of surfacing, and at the worst possible times. At some point it is very likely that your future spouse is going to be made aware of elements from your past. The best thing you can do is prepare your spouse-to-be with whatever it is that someone might try to use against you and your family. It is better your future spouse hears it from you before it becomes an issue that could threaten your future children. Whether it is bullies in the schoolyard that taunt your kids with proof of your past, or extortionists who would seek to blackmail you by threatening to reveal your scary secret, being honest with your soon-to-be spouse is the best way to build a foundation for a relationship that will withstand any outside force that attempts to destroy you. Frank Kermit ***************** P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Coaching To Learn To Make The Choices You Can Live With  Is Your Wing (Man or Woman) Getting In Your Way? Having a wingman (or woman) can be helpful while scouting for dates; other times, you’re better off flying solo. We take a closer look at why your best friend can be your worst enemy when you’re single. By Christine Champ for Match.com Happen Magazine  It's Your TIME Now When Anna, a single gal from Seattle, WA set out to find a boyfriend, her friend Kim offered to act as her “wing woman” during her search for an entire year. At first, it sounded like a fabulous idea — but just one month later, Anna “fired” Kim. You see, whenever the two met a single man somewhere, Kim turned into a flirting machine: tossing her hair, giving seductive sideways glances…she stole the spotlight every time away from Anna, even going so far as to physically block her friend out of some conversations by standing in front of her! Whenever Anna asked Kim if she was interested in these men herself, she’d deny it. Instead of a boyfriend, all Anna acquired during her short-term experiment was self-doubt, frustration and confusion. As Anna describes it, all her experience managed to do “was clip my own wings.” Mark Fitzgerald, 36, from Sacramento, CA recalls the time he asked his longtime friend to size up the cute retail clerk he’d been mustering up the courage to ask out. Instead of returning from the recon mission with his stamp of approval, Mark’s friend came back with the retail clerk’s phone number — and plans to date her himself. So — (frenemies aside, obviously) — why would a friend, sister, brother or other close comrade get in your way when you’re looking for love? We’ve come up with a few reasons that take malice out of the equation entirely. Five reasons why good friends can sometimes make bad “wingers”...  Conversations For Dating 1. They feel obligated to make chivalrous chit-chat on your behalf and end up shifting the target’s attention in the wrong direction. Fitzgerald has been on both sides of the wingman block himself; once, when a friend’s flirting turned into floundering, he felt responsible for keeping the conversation going so the woman his friend was interested in wouldn’t leave. Fitzgerald now realizes that commandeering the conversation might actually intimidate a tongue-tied buddy, so he makes an effort to tread carefully when helping cultivate initial small talk before excusing himself from the conversation entirely.  Stop Insecurity! Learn to have CHARISMA 2. Their own insecurity drives them to try and “win” every perceived competition… even if they lose your friendship in the process. For some people — single or not — the subconscious urge to compete with their peers trumps everything else. It’s about proving they can win the guy or girl’s attention, even if they’re not looking for a relationship themselves. Dr. Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days, observes that often, insecurity is what’s really behind these competitors’ outward show of confidence and flirting — along with the drive to demonstrate they’re desirable, regardless of the cost to their friendships. Sometimes, adds Dr. Kirschner, “scarcity consciousness” can also make people worry “there’s not enough to go around” when it comes to finding potential dates.  Get Yourself Together 3. They’re addicted to being in the social spotlight. Ron Geraci, author of The Bachelor Chronicles, notes that some people simply “cannot stand the fact that someone else is getting attention.” But, adds Geraci, don’t condemn these attention hogs too harshly; basking in the romantic limelight gives a “shot of adrenaline to their ego” that boosts their own low self-confidence.  The Journey 4. Some people have trouble choosing their own romantic partners, so they aren’t helpful in scoping prospects for you, either. A recent University of Indiana study suggests that people note the preferences of others — regardless of whether they’re friends or strangers — to make their own search for a mate more efficient. This stems from the idea that “who others like might be a good choice for ourselves,” according to Skyler Place, a researcher in UI’s Department of Psychological and Brain Studies who coauthored the study, along with Peter M. Todd, a professor in the university’s Cognitive Science Program. Frank Kermit, relationship coach and author of From Loser to Seducer, cites another reason: sometimes people don’t trust their own judgment when it comes to finding someone else attractive.  Learn The Ethics of Seduction 5. You’re hunting for a date, but your friend’s a natural-born poacher. University of Texas psychology professor David Buss coined the term “mate poaching” to refer to people’s tendencies to try to steal romantic partners away from others. Geraci believes the principle applies equally to singles on the prowl, saying that “it’s a convenient way to find a mate because someone else is doing a lot of the work.” Singles should use caution when choosing wingmen or wing women; watch out for those friends who exhibit potential poaching tendencies and avoid going out with them when you’re looking for dates. After all, when you’ve engaged a prospect that piques your pals’ interest, “it’s like bringing your kill into a pack of hyenas,” warns Geraci.  Stop Letting Her Use You Mending a “broken wing” relationship Before you try to mend your relationship with a failed wingman or wing woman, make sure you’re not misreading any signals — like the silent cues that your tall, dark and handsome (or blonde and beautiful) target sends that indicate your attraction isn’t mutual after all. According to matchmaker and etiquette coach Joy Nordenstrom, the three biggest clues that your flirting is indeed being reciprocated include: direct eye contact, mirroring (i.e., your crush copies your body movements) and leaning in to get physically closer to you. If it’s still obvious your friend’s crossed a boundary, here’s one solution: exclude him or her from social situations where you might connect with someone romantically. Advises Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again: “that’s how you teach people that they’re socially unacceptable,” though she considers an intervention to be worthwhile if you believe your friend’s bad behavior is unintentional. If you do decide to stage an impromptu bathroom meeting to interrupt the offender’s advances, Kirschner recommends keeping it positive — like asking your cousin to tell the ladies about your smooth salsa moves, then adding that you’ll be ready to take the lead on the dance floor right after the next song begins.  Setting Your Boundaries Establishing the rules of engagement If you really want your wingman or wing woman to “rise to the occasion,” says Nordenstrom, establish some rules of engagement first so that it’s clear “you’re playing on the same team.” Start by clarifying your goals for the outing, and have your friend do the same. Agree to put each other in the best light possible throughout the evening — from subtly pointing out the broccoli in your friend’s teeth to bragging about his or her tennis skills. Think of flattering stories to share about your friend or make a mental note of his or her most attractive features before you go out together. Mutually agree on a code word (like “yesterday”) to indicate you’re interested in someone so both of you don’t end up inadvertently flirting with the same person. If you end up eyeing the same hottie without realizing it, take a beat by yourselves to discuss and compare your desire levels on a scale of 1 to 10. A good wingman or wing woman knows when “to step back,” but as Tessina also cautions, “every person you meet isn’t Mr. [or Ms.] right” — so choose your showdowns wisely!  Understanding on an Emotional Level Flying solo: is it an option? The insights we’ve shared here should help you choose a wingman or wing woman that brings out the absolute best in you — because, according to Nordenstrom, when your romantic radar reacts, you often “have a very short window to make a strong impression.” Or, try flying solo — Kirschner believes you may unleash your “inner charisma” when you’re forced to conquer your shyness and/or social anxiety. If you attempt a solo recon mission for scouting dating prospects and spend all night cowering next to the bathroom instead, finding a friendly co-pilot you can rely on is definitely the better way to fly! ***Disclaimer: DEAR READERS: This was an article written by Christine Champ for Match.com that Frank Kermit was quoted in. All rights, titles and interests in the article remain with the author and Match.com Author Bio: Christine Champ is a freelance writer based in the Northwest. Her writing has appeared on MSN.com, MSNBC.com, Film.com and in The Seattle Times. The Importance of Keeping Your Word by Frank Kermit It can happen sometimes where you make a promise that you did not realize you would not be able to keep. We are human beings, and when that happens, it can be embarrassing.
The cost of this kind of immature action is: The Loss Of Your Credibility
Quality people do not have time in their lives for people that lack credibility.
If you want to be a Good Person then start by being Good at keeping your word. If you don't want someone to label you, be sure you aren't acting in a way that makes then need to in the first place. Read one mans true unpaid testimonial of how 10 hours of coaching with Frank Kermit, combined with a few product purchases changed his life for the better.
To summarize my experience in working with Frank on his ten hours coaching program; Most pickup coaches give you a game-plan for the night; Frank is not a pickup coach, so he gives you a game plan for life. A big thanks to Frank for the work that we did - I found the program to be an absolutely fantastic investment of time, money and effort. It'll be with me for life. Looking back it also made me think of all of the work Frank must have put in over many years to acquire this much understanding and course material. It's incredible. I'll certainly be emailing Frank in the future to let him know how things are going, and whether or not I need to do any more coaching. I’ve studied pick up and relationship material for a few years and applied it, but very quickly I reached a plateau. Sure I learned how to pick up girls better than before but that brings in as many problems as it solves. How do you manage women? How do you break up with women? How do you keep them as friends with benefits? How do you turn them into your girlfriend? Frank has better answers than any coach I’ve seen. I was particularly interested to hear his perspectives on non-monogamous relationships and their management, as I’ve always believed there was another way for me than the traditional roles of being either ‘single’ and commitment free, or in a totally monogamous relationship. Even pick-up teachers with very solid material don’t seem to go into non-monogamous relationship advice – typically they advocate being single and having experiences forever – but this gets lonely. Frank’s material is on a much higher level altogether than anything else I’ve seen out there – And honestly I’ve read enormous amounts of other people’s material. That's not to say that there isn't other good stuff out there but Frank has a profound, detailed knowledge of dating and relationships. He goes into areas often neglected by others such as the best locations for dates and the best locations to actually meet single women who are looking to meet guys. These sound like obvious points, but they once you have the skills, these are the kind of questions that need addressing. More importantly though is Frank’s ‘Hierarchy of Relationships’ and ‘Emotional Needs Analysis of Men and Women. ’ They are immediately usable tools to manage, screen and maintain your relationships in a way that is healthy for both men and women. The coaching and product purchases were a reasonable investment for me, but those modules alone were worth the cost! I’ve quite literally never encountered anything that gives you the perspective of these two tools. The ‘Hierarchy of Relationships’ in particular gives you the framework to manage all relationships.
I worked hard and really committed to the assignments. I’m glad I did, as it really allowed me to make the most of the sessions and I got a huge amount out of them. Frank doesn’t mince his words in the sessions – he gives you direct and often challenging perspectives. I can’t count the number of times I came away from the sessions feeling like I just understood something about relationships, women, or myself in a new, deeper light. Frank’s not a flashy teacher with a luxury office space. He coaches by telephone or Skype. He doesn’t seem to have any outward features that would make this stuff come easily to him. In fact if anything, outwardly you’d probably never guess at the depth of wisdom and experience he has in dating, and all types of relationships, including non-monogamous ones. The program exercises were unorthodox to say the least but they make sense if you do them properly. Frank’s depth of knowledge is staggering, even to someone who has read a lot before discovering Frank’s material. Frank’s original theories are innovative and incredibly helpful –they are a true masterpiece of insight for relationships. I really hope this knowledge spreads to as much of the world as possible as people can only benefit from it. After 10 hours of coaching, I now have a ton of material to go over. Before I began coaching with Frank I was going around in circles despite putting effort in. Now the course is set! I have my compass, and map in hand, and all I have to do is to keep going forward on my journey. I have no hesitation in recommending Frank to anyone who is looking to get greater fulfillment in relationships. In fact, I would say that if you are not working with Frank or reading his material, you're missing out. Even guys who already know how to meet women could really learn a ton from him - in fact I think that for more advanced guys - Frank is the only coach out there who can actually help you to progress further in whatever direction you want to go in. -Joseph, United Kingdom  The Benefits of Coaching with Frank Kermit  Day of the Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit Day Of The Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit There are no personal days There are no sick days There are no recovery days There are no bereavement days There are no fun days There are no “me” days There are no vacation days There are no off days There are no days off There are no special days There are no holidays There are no family days There are no birthdays There are no wedding days There are no funeral days There are no Mondays There are no Fridays There are no weekdays There are no weak days There are no long weekends There are no weekends There are no mornings There are no afternoons There are no evenings There are no late nights There are no overnights There are no happy days There are no yesterdays There are no good ole days There is no tomorrow There is only TODAY Just a day when you either Get to work so you can get-to-work Or a day you do not get to work Until ONE DAY Everyday becomes A Personal Day And that is THE DAY Of The Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit  Boredom is No Excuse To Seek Divorce Boredom is NO EXCUSE for Divorce By Frank Kermit Couples coaching can be some of the most intense sessions possible. Partly because it is about trying to understand two different points of view, but also partly due to each partner reacting to triggers from what the other partner is trying to communicate. It can be very draining for all parties involved. Emotions are high. An established couple has the pressure of maintaining the relationship and trying to get to the next level, without losing what they were initially drawn too by the coupling.
What one person interprets as BORING may actually be a collection of ABILITIES that produce successful serious long-term relationships. If you are aiming for a divorce, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Boredom, without any other contributing factor, is not one of them. It can be very easy to take for granted all the things that we actually value about our current relationships for the pillar reasons mentioned above. Do not make the mistake of having to lose what you have, and needing the experience of being without them to make you appreciate whom you got right now. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Cost of Coaching vs Cost of Divorce.... Do you want to be able to retire?  You Don't Have Time for Toxic People in Your Life You Do Not Have Time For Toxic People By Frank Kermit When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people, I usually define Toxic people as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all. In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest.
Here are some examples
Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out; regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favours.
Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you. Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.
The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.
There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with. On the other hand, the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever. In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Sign Up For Frank Coaching Now  bad luck with dating There is More To Dating and Finding Love Than Just “Getting Lucky” by Frank Kermit As a coach I often hear people who sign up for coaching, talk about how unlucky they are at love. However, when that talk starts up, I often ask my coaching clients, if you were too consider that your love life is not a result of bad luck, but bad choices you made over the years, how would that change things for you? The results are really powerful. You go from feeling helpless and acted upon, to feeling empowered and in control of your situation. One of the writing exercises that I have in my coaching workbooks I’m a Man, That’s my Job Workbook for Men, and I’m a Woman, It’s My Time Workbook for Women is a Timeline exercise called, “The First Mistake”. The Point of this timeline is help you realize where you made your original first mistake that brought you to where you are right now. You will be surprised to learn that your first mistake with your most recent break up, heart ache or divorce did not even likely happen with the person you were most recently involved with. In fact, your current situation is more likely a result of various repeating behavior patterns that you followed through on, that started way before you met the person that ruined your life. Let me explain a little. Let’s say you are dealing with a nasty divorce spending lots of money on courts and lawyers.
It could be. But in coaching, we DIG DEEPER. Maybe your first mistake was dating the same kind of person time and time again, because you never learned to choose better partners prior to even meeting your ex-spouse. In fact, you had gone through really intensely bad break ups before your divorce, and in coaching, we do an analysis to see if your relationships prior to the big one were one bad break up after another getting worse and worse until your current situation could be predictable…and everyone else saw it coming, except you. Maybe your first mistake was that heart break you experience when you were in your teens, and instead of learning your lesson about better choosing more compatible candidates to date, you just accepted that this was the best you could hope to get, and that you wouldn’t be able to do better anyways. Your current love life is a reflection of a series of choices you made (or did not make) that brought you to this point on the line of time. Finding love, getting a date, and having a successful long term relationship, has a lot less to do with luck and a lot more to do with your intent. You have a choice. You can either date hoping to get lucky to meet someone special, or you can STOP, set yourself up for relational success, and take a more frank approach to your love life. That is your power of choice. The power of choice ALWAYS comes with a condition: You have to learn what to do with it, or you will end up more miserable trying to rely solely on luck. It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Direct, Indirect or Go Through Friends? What To Do When You Like Someone By Frank Kermit It happened. Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened. When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone. You actually found someone that you like. Now what? When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect. As I discuss in my THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK, There are a number of factors to consider such as:
There are TWO QUESTIONS to ask: 1. First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person 2. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences. If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips. When To Go DIRECT and When to be INDIRECT Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach. The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be. If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried. Should You Ask Other Friends To Help You? Involving your friends from your social circles has its pros and cons. Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in. In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity. A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible. With all that said, being very direct does have advantages. You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand. Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is: to take some kind of action listed above. People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.  Why People Pleasers Explode! People Pleasers Are Problem Daters By Frank Kermit At the heart of every great people pleaser is the best of intentions of wanting to be liked by the other person. And that is why people pleasers, as nice as they are, are never fully trusted by the target of their affections. When someone wants to please a person, that is OK, provided that the person feels the attention is earned. The problem is that a people pleaser is too nice by nature. People pleasers see themselves as being appropriate, while their dates feel a vibe of insincerity. In the minds of potential partners, no one is that nice, unless there have ulterior motives. In fact, that is the paradox of the people pleaser. They do not want the other person's money, resources, or even material possessions. All they want is to be liked Because people pleasers want to be liked so badly, they allow themselves to be disrespected. One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that to make any relationship work is that it MUST be more important to the person to want to be respected by your potential partner, instead of being liked. If all you know how to do is to be liked, you will get ATTENTION, but you will struggle to find any long lasting and legitimate intimacy. No one loves a person that does not have his or her respect as well. People will like a people pleaser, but people will never fully respect nor trust a people pleaser. Without respect and trust, there can be no love. There can be like, even lust in some cases, but never a love that leads to commitment. At the heart of a people pleaser, is fear:
That is why people pleasers lack boundaries. Without proper boundaries, a people pleaser does not have to deal with any of that unpleasantness nor do they have to act in ways in which they might self identify with their own abusers who were mean or insulting to the pleaser. Unfortunately, that repeating behavior pattern can only lead to attracting and being attracted to people that would continually take advantage of the people pleaser. A Possible Source of People Pleasing The skill of people pleasing can, but not always, be sourced to emotionally abusive upbringings. Depending on the severity of the mental and emotional abuse, the people pleaser skill set is likely what allowed a number of children to survive unhealthy family environment where unpredictable adult temperament behaviors ran rampant. A child learns to be a people pleaser in order to appease and maintain the peace with emotionally unhealthy adults. When that child grows up, they take those behavior patterns; they now associate to attachment, and get stuck in emotionally unhealthy relationships. When a people pleaser is actually with someone that appreciate them without the unreasonable expectation of having to be pleased every step of the way, a people pleaser will often not be able to recognize that as an emotionally healthy dynamic and will often find themselves feeling empty. The Pros of Being a People Pleaser There are good qualities to being a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is a great quality in the correct context. On the job, the characteristics of a great people pleaser make for excellent customer care service. Some of the most independent self-employed workers are amazing people pleasers. So are people who excel at being support staff. People Pleasers And Love Life But in romantic relationships, being a people pleaser will only net you the kinds of partners who are too insecure to manage a partner who understands how to prioritize the needs of the relationship, the needs of the partner and the needs of the people pleaser. There is a difference between:
A giving person gives what they can without giving up so much, that they themselves end up sacrificing their own needs. For example, a student has an exam to study for the next day, and gets a call from her boyfriend to come over because he is feeling a little lonely. The giving person weighs the options of her own need to study, and her desire to keep her boyfriend happy. In the event that the boyfriends' request is not dire (they can see each other after her exam) and her own need for study is very important, a giving person would put her own needs in priority. It does not take away from her being a giving person; it just means she can acknowledge what is more important at the moment. A people pleaser however, would want the approval of her boyfriend so badly, that she would jeopardize her exam, just because she wants to keep her boyfriend from being slightly upset. See the difference? Why does it not work in relationships? Let's say you are on a date, and your date asks you a common date question, such as:
A people pleaser will ONLY give the answers that they think the other person WANTS to hear but not the answer they would actually want to give. This leads to unrealistic expectations on both parts. The people pleaser expects that EVERYONE behaves like a people pleaser, and thus does not factor in how misleading they are actually being on a first date. The potential partner, who is unaware of the people pleasing behavior pattern, takes what is being communicated at face value...only to discover at a later time, the person they are dating is not what they thought. It does not stop there. People pleaser will please others to the point of feeling anger and resentment for doing things they initially agreed to do, because they feel they cannot say no. Eventually, the pleasers...EXPLODE! Partners get the brunt of the explosion, and end up feeling resentful too, because they are not mind readers. And rightly so, however part of being a surviving people pleaser is the anticipation of the dysfunctional emotional cues of the adults they grew up with. The biggest mistake that people pleasers make is the assumption that everyone had to survive childhood acting a like a people pleaser. Don't Be a Sheep! To simplify why people pleasers do not generate trust in relationships, here is a symbolic analogy: people pleasers are just like sheep. You can trust a Shepherd to be a good Shepherd as long as there is a value for value relationship going on (respect). You can trust a wolf to be a wolf, because you can acknowledge the good and bad in a wolf, and the wolf never tries to be anything other than a wolf (trust). But you can never trust a sheep.
So the next time you are on a date, and you end up in a situation where you need to communicate and or enforce a boundary, and you have a choice to make: Speak your mind and do not be a sheep  Monogamy Must Be Earned Making Monogamy Work: Monogamy Must Be Earned By Frank Kermit *This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK Monogamy can be easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy. Monogamy works for monogamous people however: the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them. The Rules of Monogamy: 1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule. 2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1. And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is. The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is. Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you are monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you are in a monogamous relationship. That is a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you do not put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists. The bottom line, when you are in a monogamous relationship, any time that you are out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it is a potential threat to your monogamy. As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious. Some couples may feel that using sex toys as “marital aids” help aid a challenge in the marriage while other couples may view using sex toys as a threat to their relationship. It is up to the couple to work things out, communicate and deal with their individual insecurities. BTW, you can learn more about using Sex Toys with a new lover in my Ebook NOW WHAT? UNIQUE WAYS TO CATER TO HER SEXUAL E.N.A. EBOOK There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I do not want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that is essentially what they are getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take. I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you are not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either. As I teach it, you do not kill what you are trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy. When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you are hanging out with wants to have sex with you." As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner. So what? I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do. Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you are sure that the person you are choosing is capable of giving it to you. A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle. As I teach it in my 4 hours audio program lecture, MAKING MONOGAMY WORK - WHEN ONE IS ALL YOU NEED AUDIO you do not make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you are going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose. For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just do not have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having earned the little extras and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home. Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific. If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle does not threaten your monogamy. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition to Monogamy as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time If you have any questions about managing the monogamy of your relationship sign up for a couples session.  Deal Breakers: We all have our boundaries DEAL BREAKERS: WE ALL HAVE OUR BOUNDARIES
By Frank Kermit We all have boundaries. We all have that line that must never be crossed. This is beyond what we have as preferences for the way we like to be treated. This has to do with absolutes in what we can and cannot handle in our intimate relationships. Where some people make mistakes, is in how they communicate their boundaries. The BIGGEST boundary mistake that people make is: not really knowing what their own boundaries are. You cannot enforce a boundary that you do not know you have. You have to wait until someone crosses it to know it is there. Usually by that time, it is too late. The boundary was crossed, and the disdain for your partner has found a nest to fester in. The question of whether or not you need to expand on one of your boundaries comes down to whether or not you are content with the consequences of having your boundary. If you are content with your boundary and are happily handling the consequences of your boundary, then it is no ones business. However if you are not content with your boundary, like for example, if you feel that it limits you in ways that you want to expand on, then, and only then, do you push through your boundaries. For example, lets say that it is your boundary that you will never take part in a particular activity like swimming in the ocean. Regardless if that boundary comes from not knowing how to swim, a situated knowledge you have about the pollution levels of the ocean front areas of the area you live in, or because you watched Jaws as a child and learned not to go into the water; the source of your boundary is not relevant. You have a right to your boundary. However, the consequences of that boundary might be that you are unable to fully take part in some group activities that you are invited too, such as a picnic by the sea held by one of your social circles. Now, if you have no problem with missing out on social activities that you feel forbidden to do because of your boundary, then it really is no one's business. However, if you feel that you are suffering because of your boundary, and in this example, if could be that you feel you lost an opportunity to better connect with someone that spent their day doing water sports, you will have a choice to make. Either you expand on your boundaries and work on being more open to new experiences (dealing with whatever may have been the source of it), or you simply accept that your boundary is going to cost you, and write off the losses as an acceptable cost. Only you can make that accounting. Something that is very important in understanding your own boundaries is that, although you have a right to have your own boundary, and to enforce your own boundary in how you want others to treat you, it does not include the right to enforce your boundary on others to have the same boundary that you do. An audience at a movie theatre watching a movie with multiple sex scenes might make your feel uncomfortable, to the point where you would walk out of the theater. That is your right as it is crossing a personal boundary for you. However, just because you do not like it, does not make it OK for you to expect, nor demand that the rest of the audience get up and walk out as well. See the difference? Bare in mind this is the norm for situations where no lines of violence are cross. An R-rated movie with multiple sex scenes may not be to your liking, but it certainly does not cross any lines of violence. Everyone there, including the actors in the movie are adults offering consent. You are the only person that has an obligation to enforce your boundary. If it is your boundary, it is your responsibility. Unless there is a legal issue involved where it is about the protection of your safety in public spaces, it is going to be up to you to enforce your boundary. Think about your boundaries as a preference with such importance, that you cannot bear to be without that boundary. Yet at the same time, it could be just a preference to someone else, and it may even be the exact opposite of what a third person can handle. Boundaries are personal. When entering a relationship, it is important that beyond the romance, there are your rules about what you can handle to manage in your love life. One of the common concepts I see as a Relationship Coach is people allowing their boundaries to be trampled on because they are afraid of being alone. They will tolerate their partner's behaviors, even if it goes against their own values and boundaries, because they would rather be emotionally violated in a relationship, than not to have ANY relationship at all. In the short term, this can work to keep you from being alone but it never quite deals with the deepening sense of loneliness that continues to grow inside you. When your main partner violates your emotional needs by constantly crossing your boundaries, the emptiness that swells within you eventually engulfs your sense of self. Long term, it is simply impossible to maintain your own emotional health in a relationship where you never enforce your own personal boundaries. These boundaries are even more important when it comes to someone you trust, as recent Dr. Tyler Hurst accusations make clear. You need to feel that sense of safety and security with specific individuals, but that can never happen if they cross lines and intrude on your personal space, especially if they do something illegal. Boundaries are a good thing. They keep you safe. They keep you from trusting the wrong people who would do you harm. They help you survive. Every boundary has consequences. You have a right to your boundary, but part of having any boundary is that it comes with the automatic consequence that not everyone will share your boundary, and that it may limit the things you can do and who you connect with. Where you draw that line, and what you are willing to sacrifice is up to you. Just please be careful that you do not sacrifice yourself in the process by either not enforcing your boundaries enough, or having boundaries that are too rigid for you to enjoy connecting with others in life. Frank Kermit If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video  Relationships: The Good, The Bad And The Balance Balancing The Good and Bad in Relationships
By Frank Kermit There is going to be good and bad in every relationship you enter into. It is important to be able to recognize the value that someone brings into your life, while at the same time acknowledge the negatives of being involved with that same person. Defining the good and bad in your relationship is not an easy task. In fact, this is an area that people sometimes need an outside perspective such as a coach to provide an objective view. There are times I have to point out to clients that their relational situation is actually pretty good and they simply do not fully appreciate their partners. There are other times when I have be firm with a client to make him or her realize the red flags and hazard signals they are ignoring in staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation. Being able to recognize the good and bad in your relationship is a skill, and can be learned through practice. A lot of it comes down to having certain standards in how you want to be treated, and sticking to those standards by enforcing your boundaries, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so. What is most important to you? Someone being a great parent to your kids? Someone who is financially stable? Someone that has a certain status that will impress the people around you? Someone that is punctual? Someone that has a certain lifestyle you want as well? Someone that looks a certain way? Someone who is reliable and steady? Someone that is impulsive and exciting? Someone that is clean, sober and drug free? Someone that is sexual faithful? Someone that is sexually compatible with you? Someone that actually appreciates your flaws? Someone that knows when not to give in to your bad moods? Someone that can support your career aspirations? Someone who has a passion for a cause he or she is dedicated to? It stands to reason that each of us wants all of those things. However, the reality is that it is very unlikely you will get everything you want in one person. It is more likely that you will end up with someone more compatible with your own imperfections. (Scary huh?) In the end, only you can really decide if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. Walking away from the bad is not so easy when the good you are getting is really good. The longer you have been with someone, and the more you have invested into together (children, home, future plans), then sticking it out through some temporary rough patches that plague long term relationships may be acceptable as a necessary evil. The best way to really set up relationship success is to aim for value-for-value relationships. Always look for a win-win exchange. When you get something for nothing, start offering more. When you are getting less than what you put in, ask for more or cut what you are offering. In the short term, you may have to deal with loss. In the long run, it will attract the best partners to you and bring better success. In the simplest terms, when deciding if you should stay or if you should go in any relationship you enter; look at what is good about the relationship and what is bad about the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good it is, it is still bad. And if the good outweighs the bad, then no matter how bad it is, it is still good. __________________ If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video  Relationships: Acceptance at Worst, Loving at Best A Relationship is: Acceptance at the Worst, Loving at the Best By Frank Kermit At a workshop I hosted I issued one of my famous Frankisms that seemed to really resonate with the attendees. I was trying to convey the importance of sticking to your own rules and boundaries when you are in a relationship, to the point where, you may very well have to walk away from someone you care for deeply (maybe even love) if you are unable to accept the worst parts of your partner. Frankism: "If you are unable to accept your partner at his or her worst, then it does not matter how much you love your partner at his or her best." Sometimes we end up dating people, and fall into committed relationships without meaning too. We start dating casually, not really sure if there is any real future, but being with somebody is better than being with nobody. Then you show up at a party together, and someone puts you both on the spot asking if you are a couple yet or not...and not wanting to sound pathetic or inappropriate, you both confirm that you are in fact a couple (regardless that neither of you spoke about it beforehand)...and there you have it! You are now in a relationship that really hasn't got there on its own merit. But again, being with somebody is better than being with nobody. Maybe if you get more serious, you will end up liking each other more and your partner will change all the things he or she does that you hate. Sounds plausible, right? Wish it were as plausible as it sounds my dear reader. It is easy to base the success of your relationship on all the things you love about your partner. That is where most people start to fantasize (er, um, we mean plan right? Right? Planning, not fantasizing right?) about the kind of future you can build with your partner. The reality is that loving what is best about your partner is not where the success of your long-term relationship solely grows from. The success of your long-term relationship is just as rooted (if not more so) in being able to accept your partner at his or her worst. So, what is the worst thing about your partner? Does your partner forget to bathe regularly? Does your partner refuse to take better care of his or her health? Does your partner get annoying on purpose because of the "fun" way the veins pop out in your neck? Is your partner unable to keep a job? Is your partner a nail biter? Does your partner get snarky to the point of being abusive when feeling under the weather? Does your partner act like a people pleaser and then blow up at you unexpectedly in public? Is your partner simply unable to be sexually faithful to you? Does your partner drink excessively, or is a drug addict of some kind? Forget about what is great about your partner; Find out what is the worst of the worst in terms of what you will have to deal with if you continue seeing your partner. If you have any doubt about what you can handle, stay out of a serious relationship with that person. A broken engagement is better than a happy divorce. A part of the workshop also covered the topic of how: "Understanding does not Equal Acceptance". Just because you can understand that your partner may treat you poorly because your partner had a rough upbringing does not mean that it makes the abusive behaviors any more acceptable. You can intellectually understand the source of your partner's pain and the roots of the bad repeating behavior patterns, however, that does not demand that you fully accept it, and invite that aspect into your life through your life partner. When the worst, is worse than the best-of-the-best you are getting, then the end result of the relationship is that it is still worse to stay with your partner than it would be to find someone better If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video  Couple Coach  understanding relationships quotes The 7 Weird Words That Help Define Relationships By Frank Kermit There are 7 certain words that catch many people off guard when it comes to relationships. They are: Lust, Love, Sex, Dating, Commitment, Marriage, and Monogamy. At their most literal meanings, these commonly used words are very understandable. Intellectually, most people have no problem grasping their mental understanding of those words. Lust can be defined as the sexual desire that someone may experience when attracted to someone. To enjoy lust even better check out Now What? Unique Ways to Cater To her Sexual ENA Love can be defined as an emotional attachment someone feels for another person. To make someone full in love with you learn to master their emotional needs. Sex is a physical act between people and usually refers to the act of intercourse. If you never had sex, talk to me about how to lose your virginity. Dating can be understood to refer to the process of two people spending time together with a romantic intention. Check out the NEW rules of dating. Commitment is an obligation that you make a promise to fulfill. There are ways to check if your relationship is commitment ready. Marriage can be considered a legal status you enter to define your legal standing with another individual. Before you get married, sign up for marital coaching. Monogamy is a term to describe a dynamic where you have sex with only one particular person and refuse to have sex with others. Learn the basics of monogamy and non-monogamy. The issue with these particular words is that people may directly associate a word on the above list to be the equivalent of one, or more, of the others words. Even though we can define each word differently, we may make emotional connections with these particular words that cause us to substitute one word on the list for the other words. For example, a person may feel that marriage is the exact same thing as monogamy. A person may feel that having sex with someone means having someone's love. A person may even feel that simply dating someone for a few casual coffee dates automatically implies a deep commitment. A person may assume that the more lusty attraction they feel for someone, the more they are in love with that person. This is what makes these certain 7 words intriguingly weird. These words, which intellectually can be understood to be clear and separate, get muddled through multiple shades of gray on deeper emotional levels. It is the realistic person that does not assume commitment when dating, until that commitment is earned and publicly stated. It is the emotionally mature lover that grasps that having sex or lust for someone is not necessarily an expression of any loving attachment beyond the attraction nor physical act. It is the millions of happily married couples in the swinger lifestyle who will attest that being married does not equate monogamy. The understanding that each of these words is unique and separate from the other words is a key ingredient to the beginning stages of getting your love life in order. It is a part of the self-actualization process and achieving clarity in relationships that a person must come to terms that each word does not mean exactly the same thing as any of those other words. One of the best ways to fully grasp this first step concept is to ask yourself if you can experience any one of those terms, without experiencing any other of those terms. For example, is it possible to be in a marriage that is devoid of lust, love, sex, having dated, commitment, or monogamy? The answer of course is yes. There are loveless marriages, sexless marriages, arranged marriages that never involved dating, marriages of convenience where the couple are married but simply are not commitment to each other beyond some kind of materialist exchange, and there are married couples that are non-monogamous where the couple, individually or together as a couple, engage in open consensual sex with other people. This is not about infidelity nor cheating, as there is neither deception nor lying, as both partners of the couple are involved and consenting in the extra-marital sex. Marriage can exist completely independently of all those other terms. This is an example of the clarity that is required to properly handle your relationship mismanagement behaviors. If you want to fully figure out where you might be making incorrect word associations when it comes to your relationship expectations, go through each word and write out if the one word could exist without any of the other words in association. This exercise can be a revelation to some people, and reality shattering for others. You must never assume that other people will interpret those 7 words the same way you do; that is what makes them weird. These words are some of the most commonly misunderstood words when wrangling with relationships, and at the same time these are the same words that are significantly used in correlations to define what is a relationship. If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video  how to cope with being single This is a contributed post. Every year, thousands, if not millions of people log onto dating websites in the hope of finding love. For some, it’s a dream come true and leads to genuine relationships that stand the test of time. But for a growing minority, the relationships don't just end up breaking their hearts, they also destroy their finances too. Romance scams are becoming more and more common as criminals realize that a great way to extract money from somebody is to first become their romantic partner.  romance scammer photo It sounds pretty far-fetched: after all, why go to the effort of being in a relationship with someone, just to get their money? But according to the latest data on the subject is surprisingly common. Recent figures suggest that there are around 600 dating scams through online dating sites every quarter and that number is growing. What’s more, the average cost of a dating scam is running at more than $12,800, or about a year’s worth of disposable income for most working people. Money is usually extracted through what seem on the surface to be legitimate reasons. A romantic partner might ask for things like travel expenses or say things like “I’ve lost my plane ticket. Would you mind covering the cost?” They might also say things like a family member is ill and they need money for treatment urgently. All of these examples are designed to get you to part with your money quickly without thinking. But you need to be wary, especially if you have just met somebody online. According to Which magazine, more than one in four adults use a dating website at some point in their life, meaning that a vast swathe of the population is potentially at risk. But what can regular daters do to fight back? The first thing to do is to make sure that you are properly educated on all the different kinds of scams out there. One of the most popular kinds of scams occurs when a person says that they can’t take off any more time from their employer to come and see you without purchasing additional annual leave. The scammer then asks the victim to pay, which can be as much as $300 a day. The victim then sends the money, and the scammer pockets all of it and never makes the trip to see them. There are other scams too. One scam is when the fraudster tells the victim that they have some physical asset, be it gold, silver or something else valuable that is being held by customs officials. They inform the victim that they need to pay a release fee to customs officials for the items to be released before both the victim and the perpetrators can benefit, according to telegraph.co.uk.  romantic sunset couple The other way that daters can hit back is by using sites like WarrantCheckOnline.com. These sites check whether the person you want to date is who they say they are. When dating online, it’s always best to remain vigilant and never part with any money before you know whether a person is genuine or not. Do not send international payments, even if the person seems genuine.  Do You Know What Is A Relationship? What is a Relationship?
By Frank Kermit Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?" This is a harder question to answer than most people think. In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle. So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy. What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion. An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship. A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you. That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society. Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries. You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship. The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect. A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person. If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery. Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video  Interview: Starting Over With Dating Dating Dilemmas 79, this is Frank Kermit's 120th appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face. What does a person go through starting over when dating? How does a person get over an ex, or move on from a break up? Is it good to get right back out there and date after a break up? What is some good speed dating advice? How does a person get over unrequited love? When your ex starts to date someone else before you do? Montreal, Toronto and Nova Scotia  Unrequited Love: Letting Go of the Fantasy Relationship Understanding and Letting Go of Unrequited Love
Mourning The Dream: Getting Over The Fantasy By Frank Kermit When you are mourning the loss of a relationship due to break up or divorce, or the death of loved one, the mourning process is the same. Getting used to the "new normal" of not having that person around, even if you did not always get along, requires a period of mourning. In this respect, we mourn what was familiar to us, not necessarily what was great about the previous situation. But what happens when what we are mourning never actually existed? There is someone you like. That person is special to you. You spend lots of time imagining what it is going to be like when the two of you finally have your moment and date. It is a wonderful dream. Yet, it may happen that when you finally make your interests known to the person, that you get rejected. Oh well. In this situation, most people get a little disappointed, shrug it off, and move on and look for someone else that will appreciate him or her. But-Not-You. You are heartbroken, feeling the same intensity as if you had been violated by a long-term relationship partner. You felt like it SHOULD have worked out! It SHOULD have been perfect! You SHOULD have ended up together! Why would this rejection hurt almost as much, if not more, than if you were actually dating and broke up? The answer is that the dream you created of the two of you together was as real to you as any other aspect of reality. Instead of separating the illusions and fantasy of your dream together, from the fact that the two of you never even started to date, you likely allowed yourself to accept the dream of who that other person was, and use the symbolic dream, as a real life experience to base your expectations on. THAT is why it hurts so much more than it merits. How does someone get over it? One of the ways a person can get over this kind of pain is to mourn the dream. Whatever actions you would normally take to mourn the death of a person; take those same actions to mourn the dream you built up in your mind. Writing out the experience, doing something to commemorate the dream, following a ritual of your faith are all examples. Yes, it may seem silly, but some healing methods are silly when you are not used to paying attention to emotional core hurts. It is easy to say that we should not have created the dream to begin with; however the point is moot, since you are already there. The next time you like someone, and if you have a choice to either ask out that person as soon as you can, or wait on it and spend too much time creating a dream of the future that does not exist, choose to ask out the person as soon as you can. It will save you a lot of hurt if and when things do not work out. Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING |
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