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5 places to meet senior singles are explored in this contributed post.  Get Yourself Out There To Meet Someone Special Our society binds us with some tricky and notorious repercussions. All we hear about how to behave in a certain way and not to be off track of conventional and archaic social methods. But from the early part of human society, many love stories have grown or we can safely say that they have destroyed our so-called native ways. No matter what, love is eternally young. You fall for it once in your life no matter how much you have prepared yourself for it or against it. While in later stages of life, it may seem a bit difficult to fall in love rather find a potent partner for yourself. When you become older, you might want to feel settled in your life instead of getting adventurous. Divorcee or not, in later stages everyone wants someone in their life who would care for them, make them feel warm, be there for literally no reason. But finding someone or 'the special one' is not an easy task whatever your age may be but it can be done with some measured effort. Some of the following may woo you to some extent and can allure you to try at least once in a while. Community events Apparently, most people tend to be more absolved from work in later stages of life than in early parts. Maybe that's why it is not that bad a reason to be involved in many separate community events in your senior years. There is no shortage of need for willing volunteers in today's chaotic social world. You can contribute in many ways. Any educational institutions would love to get you for your many experienced years. You can certainly take part in numerous NGO activities to make many human lives bit easier. Or rather you can be a yoga trainer or a salsa trainee. Simply you can just go out there and have fun and in the process, you might find yourself lucky enough. Travel Undoubtedly, a divine method to spend some sheer quality time and if you're taking the trip with your senior club then it would just the icing on the cake. Moreover, if the trip consists only single members then certainly you can fish for your prolonged romantic partner. Online dating service A must to have at a dig. DoULikeSenior is a vast pool of potent candidates waiting to be matched. You can definitely look through a profile of your choice and prepare yourself beforehand for the upcoming compatibility issues which you may have been wrongly done in the past and can be intimate and romantically involved with your preferred partner. Volunteer services A lovely idea to utilize your extra time to help and heal others. There are a number of communities where you can enlist yourself willingly and they can put in touch with similar aged members who care for like you do. So, this is maybe just the foundation you and your would-be partner will cognate greatly for a fact. Senior fitness class Fitness training is a lot more fun when you are accompanied. Also, at this age, you should try to stay as much fit you can afford. Let us hope, there is another person who hopes just the same and bingo! you're in luck. After that, if you find one of your likings, you may be just sweat out together and it can lead to many fortunate possible futures. Afterwards, be sure to make your partner feel special in a way which they never have experienced. Be romantic, be lively, be in love, because life is short. Above all, be true to yourself and your partner.
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Do you find yourself dating at age 50 or more? Read these 4 Tips explored in this contributed post, to learn how to make your mid-life dating a positive experience.  The Right Mindset Can Make Dating After 50 A Positive Experience Divorce rates for those older than 50 in Canada have risen over 30%. This seems to be in line with international patterns, as divorce is up similarly for older Americans as well. Around the world, divorce after 50 is becoming increasingly common. After leaving a long term relationship, dating during mid-life, in the new world of trends and rules, can be very intimidating. But it doesn't have to be an insurmountable challenge. With the right mindset, dating can be a path to meet new people and have adventures. Some of the adventures might be less than perfect, but a positive attitude can make a big difference. Try to Stay Positive Dating at any age can be hilarious, exciting, traumatic -- but mostly, fun. At the very least, it should provide you with an amusing story or two. It can definitely help to stay open minded and attempt to be light hearted about the whole thing. Perhaps accept a date from someone you might not "normally" go out with. Expand your horizons. Try going to new places. The important thing is not to focus not on finding a long lasting relationship, but on just getting out and having fun. As counter intuitive as it might seem, keeping your eyes on the big prize -- finding another love of your life -- puts too much pressure on the situation. It's better to think of dating as just a part of reality that has its own ups and downs. Age Is Just a Number Lately, people have been saying that 50 is the new 30, but on the whole, your age is simply not important to what you can and cannot do. Divorce after 50 presents a range of testing and unique challenges for sure, but going out to a dance club doesn't have to be one of them. You are allowed to do other things to enjoy yourself like exploring new places, going to a bar, and even spending the night with someone new. Don't worry so much about how old you are. Think about what you want to do, and do it. You will find there are plenty of people your age out there actually still living their lives to the fullest. Make the First Move One fantastic thing about dating in the modern world is that women no longer have to wait to be asked out. The rules have changed since some of us were dating in our 20s and 30s. Overall, though, both men and women in their mid-lives should feel confident about taking initiative. Ask someone to dance. Send a flirty text on an internet dating site. It's possible that you might be rejected sometimes, but other times, your feelings will be reciprocated, and that builds confidence. Try Online Dating If you're in your 50s, online dating might sound like a desperate move, but the stigma has completely gone out of it. More and more people meet this way. There are many online dating sites from which to choose, some specializing in ethnic or religious groups. Remember, you don't have to be looking for the next Mr. or Mrs. Right. You just need to be amenable to trying to have a fun night out. Remember in your new adventures to always be safe. It's prudent to meet people for the first time in a public place, for example. You might also want to let a friend know where and when you will be out, and call him or her when you get back. As long as you are taking care of yourself and allow yourself to enjoy new places and new company, dating doesn't have to be scary. It can be a fun, transformational part of your life as a single person.  How To Be Bald And Confident |
 What Men Want And Don't Know It | In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity. This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity. An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think. |
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
Yes.
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
 Learn Social Cues so Hair Loss Will Never Stop You | In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma” I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand. So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%. |
The Emotional Needs of Men and Women Audio Set For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
Dating a Younger Woman
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
or
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Acceptance:
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
women's emotions in relationships Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
An example:
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
Why?
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
what men really want in a woman How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
 change your life in 90 days | For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help. It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers. |
| Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives. In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends! They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns). |  lose your virginity in 90 days |
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Own it.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
Remember Monty?
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
-Frank Kermit
Get Her Now
Tinder Breaks And Breakthroughs by Carrie Joyner, Online Dating
TINDER BREAKS AND BREAK-THROUGHS
A BLOG BY CARRIE JOYNER
A BLOG BY CARRIE JOYNER
Recently, I was at a friends birthday party.
As the kids were playing and having fun, the moms started to talk. There were a few women who stayed and opted to catch up with each other vs. doing the traditional drop and run (I do love me a pedicure, though, if I don’t know the parents that well!). These women who stayed are women that I know well on personal levels, most of whom I have known for a very, very long time. We just all happen to have kids that play together now.
Most of the women came to me one by one; some asking about the details of the demise of my marriage because they felt that they were in a similar situation (Ie. How did I know it was over?), some asking for a bit of hope as they were in the middle of fighting for their marriage, and one who told me something so beautiful and out of the blue that I felt compelled to write this.
She told me that she was getting a divorce after many, many years.
This is not the first time that divorce has been on the table for her, but this time it seems like it’s the real deal this time. She told me that she knew, as hard as everything was, (and I mean she is going through some things that nightmares are made of), she felt hopeful because she read my first blog and knew the details of what I had gone through. She knew that if I could do it...she could get through it.
“I saw your story and it made me feel hopeful, I am never going to give up and I know I can make it on my own”.
Never in my life has anyone said those words to me.
I was flattered and at the same time it was a violent call to self-reflection for myself. I looked back, as many of us do at the foothill of a new year, at all the things I had been through in the past few years and realized that I had undervalued and under- appreciated my own power of persistence, resilience and determination.
In 2011, my husband walked out on me very suddenly, but I kept going with my yoga/fitness business never the less. As I said in the initial blog, it was what kept me going and strong and healthy for my, at the time, 4 year old son. I built it up to a point where a random offer to purchase came in about 2 years ago and I/we took it. My ex was also my business partner at the time.
The sale dissolved my second to last partnership with him and took a lot of stress off both of us in the sense that it is pretty hard to dissolve a marriage and keep going as business partners.
The last bond will never be dissolved; our son. He is an amazing boy/budding man who is doing and will continue to do many amazing things. An athlete, a scholar and an overall good person.
His father and I are actually on very good terms, co-parent and split our time with him straight down the middle. He always bragged that we had “the perfect divorce”. We were civil and never got petty. We just both knew that whatever happened between us and our relationship, the most important thing was to stay level and positive for the sake of our son. It sure seems to be working.
This is not to toot my own horn or discredit actual nightmare break-ups, rather just a nod to the fact that regardless of what life throws at us, women are by nature; survivors, protectors, Goddesses and can turn lemons into the most delicious lemonade.
The conversation at the party then turned to my dating situation. What was it? Who was I seeing? Was I still online? “Give me a story, Carrie, because I have nothing going on here”.
Well, the story is that I got off Tinder a couple of weeks ago. The day they sent me a push notification around new years saying “Don’t change anything in 2018, over 3,000 people have liked your profile”, was the day I knew it was time for a change.
Let’s be clear- I didn’t MATCH with 3000 people, that was the number that I could have potentially matched with. You basically have to swipe left 30 times for one right.
The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results”. Why did I keep opening these messages and responding to ridiculous comments or requests? Maybe it’s the Canadian in me and I just didn’t want to be rude, but when a guy wrote to me “You are hot, but let’s be upfront about everything- I am 6 foot 2, brown hair, blue eyes, well built and 187 lbs...your turn...GO!” I was so freaked out! Did he want my bra size, too?! My blood type??
I had to take a Tinder break. If you know me, I am not a shy person and have no problem telling it like it is...but this was just rude. Um, sir, may I send you my headshot with my stats on the back instead? Oh, wait...I don’t have one. I forgot, I am not a mail order bride.
Then again, you actually have to pay for that service.
The actual problem with getting back into the online dating world, for me, anyway, are the issues that bubble up on the inside.
All those questions of “am I good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...”; they are real questions and SELF DOUBT bubbles up if you let it.
All the insecurities about why past relationship/s failed surface and it’s almost like a form of simultaneous therapy and torture.
For now, I am on a Tinder break. I just needed some time to date myself and fall in love with myself again instead of being so caught up with what EYEISDAONE thinks of me before even buying me a drink and having a face to face conversation. I know that women are strong.
I believe we just need to be strong together more often.
This party taught me that.
No matter how perfect someone can pull off appearing on the outside-they could be burning up on the inside. Be open to hearing their pain. The only way to get over it is to go through it sometimes.
I watched a movie last night where Rebel Wilson is trying to teach her new friend how to be single in NYC. The friend said she thought it would be more like Sex and the City on the single scene, and Rebel said the best line (and this is not a direct quote); the entire series was based on 4 single girls spending every single minute trying to find a boyfriend. It had nothing to do with being single and proud. It had to do with finding the next relationship, so they weren’t alone.
For now, I am just going to walk alone, and proud.
 Carrie Joyner | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Posts: https://www.franktalks.com/blog/bye-felipe https://www.franktalks.com/blog/seeing-ghosts-ghosting-and-online-dating http://www.franktalks.com/blog/swiping-right-on-tinder-jumping-in-to-online-dating https://www.franktalks.com/blog/the-power-of-the-yoga-community-and-the-drive-by-divorce |
why dating is harder for older women part 11
trigger warning
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
I have coached older men who want to follow older dating codes of behaviors, so these types of men do exist. They would follow the same older dating codes of conduct that some older woman want to follow, but the issue lies in that she often rejects him anyway based on other reasons.
These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:
Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months. Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.
Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.
Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.
William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.
See what I mean?
In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.
Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.
Some examples of older dating codes:
Demanding Monogamy Immediately
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment. Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex. Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.
non-monogamy guide book
Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move
If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality. Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.
That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.
Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out
Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady.
To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:
Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him. She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too! Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“
Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps. That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.
If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS: Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality! You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!
Frozen In Time
In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are.
Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,
there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.
This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.
If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.
Your role in the sexual attention paradigm is shifting from young women being on the receiving end of sexual attention, to older women now having to be on the projecting end of sexual attention.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen.
A man had to Work:
-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.
-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.
-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.
-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.
-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had. He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.
A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.
No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates. The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in. Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.
For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.
You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.
The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one.
It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.
from artist Ricky Whitney
It’s Not Fair!
Older women are right when they say life is not fair.
They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.
They are correct.
It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.
It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.
That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change.
Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.
Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.
People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.
The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.
It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.
The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.
The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery.
That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.
People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.
Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.
That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.
Reason # 9
Unreasonable Expectations
Not everyone is going to be into you just because you expect they should be. It is one thing if you believe in yourself and feel you have a lot to offer. That is good self-esteem. However, if you expect that everyone should recognize it, without you having to prove it, then we are crossing over into the realm of unreasonable expectations.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series
why dating is harder for older women part 10
trigger warning
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
The issue is not that older woman have baggage. Let’s be clear, we ALL have some baggage. As reported by my client base, the issue is that older women want to share, discuss, and disseminate all of their baggage early on while dating. This turns off many older men, who have baggage of their own and do not want to hear her baggage right away, until he decides if he wants to even date her again!
The 2 issues that I hear the most from older male clients with regards to dating older women are:
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
Issue # 1
Sometimes what an older woman really needs is to have a friend who will listen to her. In the absence of a friend, she attempts to date in order to seek out that kind of friendship. However, dating to find friendship does not work.
People do not go on dates to find friends.
They go on dates to find someone to be romantic with.
If you are an older woman who is not really interested in dating, but are using the guise of dating to find friendship for companionship, it is likely you are going to get rejected a lot. You will never get either a second date, or a friendship.
dating rules
Quality older men do not want women they have to rescue.
Dating is no time for a “woe-is-me” pity party. Dating is when you showcase what you have to offer as you explore what he has to offer to you.
Dating is not a time to recruit sympathy for how life has been so unfair to you.
from artist Ricky Whitney
If you need a friend to listen to you and comfort you, but you are not interested in having someone make a pass at you on a date, do not date! Start a support group instead.
At least you will find the support you seek without having to reject someone’s unwanted advances, or be rejected by someone who wanted more than just friendship.
Do not date if all you want is friendship.
If you seek an audience instead of a relationship;
start therapy, not dating.
I am not being mean. I am very serious in that I want you to heal. You need a competent therapist, not a new boyfriend.
If you carry your core hurt into every new relationship without healing that core hurt, it will surface and ruin your chances when you do finally date a great guy.
If you have found an older man who wants to be your therapist, most likely he suffers from “The Savior Complex”, which is a whole other topic and article for another time.
Issue # 2
Some older women come across angry, negative and very bitter. They are so bitter in fact that no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, their bitter personality will leave a bad taste in the scope of the older men who have dared to date them.
It does not matter why you are bitter. That is not the issue, nor is it a puzzle for the next older man you date to solve.
It is no man’s responsibility to teach you that all men are not the same. That's not his job.
Just like it is not your job as a woman to prove to him that not all women are the same. It is up to each individual to deal with his or her own preconceived notions.
Hint:
If you already believe that all men are the same,
those are the only men you will end up with.
When you do meet a man who is different, you simply will not have the faith required to see it through and give him a chance.
A quality older man doesn’t stick around too long if he has to convince you; because he does not have too.
He knows that it is not his job,
and he has too many other options
to be too preoccupied with convincing you.
An older woman should not take her bitterness out on an older man (or any man for that matter) that she is interested in dating.
Just like the way you do not want to have to pay the price for any mistakes other women have made against the older man you may be dating.
Every older woman who is drowning in bitterness has her reasons.
*Some are bitter from unmet, unreasonable expectations. For example: She resents that she does not get the same attention from men at her current age, that she used to get when she was in her 20s.
*Some are bitter because of the way they were treated by the men they was involved with in the past.
*Some women are bitter because despite their best efforts to take care of their health, their bodies are still breaking down.
*Some are bitter because they made some bad choices. For example: She left a good man to be with a new lover, and the new lover abandoned her shortly thereafter.
*Some are bitter because they have a lot to offer; yet they struggle to find a relationship partner and do not understand why they can’t. (This is one of the reasons that prompted me to put together this article).
You have a right to your own emotions.
If you are bitter about your life, own it.
Deal with it, and process it.
However, do not take it out on men.
Men are not the reason you are in the situation you are in.
It is not because “there are no good men” out there. There are great men out there. You probably have met them. They usually come in the form of men you have rejected and put into the “friend-zone”.
Remember those nice guys?
Guys who were “too nice”, to the point you weren’t attracted to them and rejected them?
If every guy you ever dated was a “jerk”, you have to address the common element in every relationship you have ever had: You.
You are the common element in every dating dilemma you have ever had. Until you make you better; you will not have your relationships with men get better. Be accountable for your choices, and stop bashing men because you are bitter about the way your life ended up.
In conversations about dating men, or in an actual conversation with a men while on a date, your bitterness can come through with how you interpret the way the conversation is going.
If he is sharing his preferences and interests of how he hopes a relationship will develop and play out with you, and your first reaction is to immediately say something very negative, it may be coming from a very real core hurt.
For example: He mentions that he has to travel for business a few times a year. Is your first thought:
A) He is insinuating that he wants a submissive housewife that never is allowed to leave the house.
Or
B) You will ask him more about where he likes to travel and what kind of vacation the two of you could take?
If you answered “A” you are reacting with your own baggage.
THAT is an example of YOUR BAGGAGE.
If you are nursing an emotional wound, but you also do want to have a new relationship in your life, it is best that you make every effort to heal your core hurt.
When your core hurt causes you to lash out negatively, it will shut you down from hearing what people are actually saying to you, and it will completely turn away older men who would have loved to have gotten closer to you.
Do not suppress your core hurt. Face it, process it, and heal it. If all you do is suppress it with “positive talk”, your core hurt will materialize in self-sabotaging and emotionally destructive behaviors that will actually make your personality unattractive, even to someone that originally liked you.
Quality older men interpret women who male bash as a red flag.
I cannot say it any more clear than that. Gender Bashing is a red flag that will cost you a great potential candidate.
Whether veiled in humor or not, male bashing is still gender hate.
Men know when they see it; male bashing jokes, anti-dating memes, and a disdain for the male gender. Do not kid yourselves ladies.
The men on your social media acknowledge it for what it is: a sign that even if you are attractive enough for sex, you are not “serious-relationship-candidacy”.
Maybe you feel justified in your anti-male rhetoric because of what men did to you in your past.
Real quality men will not be as sympathetic.
What they will want to know is how long you stayed with those men? How often did you choose to date jerks, while rejecting the nice guys that asked you out?
Quality men will not judge you for what men did to you in the past. They will judge you on how you coped with it, and how you left it behind.
contact a love coach right now
Quality older men know that you chose to date your ex, and stay with your ex. Older men know that men generally must approach women first and make the first moves with the risk of rejection.
It is the women who choose who they end up dating.
If you are bitter because you did not know you should have chosen the nice guys that you rejected, a quality older man is not going to want to hear you complain about it now.
Men are not the reason you are miserable
and have a miserable love life.
Your inability to chose better dating candidates did that.
Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
Women do not male bash
because they remain single.
They remain single because they male bash.
Quality older men want nothing to do with your bitterness. Quality older men do not want to have to rescue you from yourself.
Quality men want a quality woman that expects as much from herself as she does from him, and focuses on what she has to offer as much as what she wants from him.
To illustrate exactly how important this is, I want to share some of my work experience with you. I work as a coach for a high-end matchmaking agency. This means I coach, among other people, older men who are millionaires. These older men are very wealthy and are looking for a serious relationship. Here is where I tend to surprise older women:
The vast majority of older men, even the millionaires, would rather enter into relationships with women their own age than with women who are younger.
Believe it or not, I can tell you from my personal experience, that over 80% of these older men WANT to date older women.
However, they are often so disappointed with how older women behave on dates, that some of them just give up trying to date older women and instead only try to date younger women.
Do you hear me?
Wealthy older men want someone they can enjoy life with for the little time they have left alive. They face the reality of their mortality and know that they are on borrowed time. An older man does not want to stick around for an older woman who holds onto her misery. He has enough of his own baggage!
What he is looking for is more joy in his life.
what to talk about on a date
I had an older male client share this story with me
that illustrates this point:
Single Steve: Things were going really well with the older woman he was dating, until one night he started getting raging texts from her! Steve had no clue what she was texting about. She accused him of cheating on her, planning to hit her, and all kinds of negative things. Later, she wrote to Steve to say that she had “kind of just lost her cool that night and lashed out at him.” She texted to him that she was “sorry”. He told her to NEVER contact him again! He was not willing to be "some punching bag for her lousy past."
It is never a man’s job to heal you
from your past hurts.
You have to heal yourself.
It is only his job to build a future with you together.
It is an unreasonable expectation to expect a quality man to tolerate your inexcusable behaviors.
what to say on a first date
Heal first. Then find love next. Do not expect a man to create joy for you. You have to learn to find joy in your own life.
If you are seeking a man to save you, the only men you will attract are men that have as much, or even more, baggage than you do!
Consider this objectively: Reverse the genders.
Would you want to date an older man drowning in his own baggage that constantly belittles women, expresses misogynistic comments, and then passes them off as crude humor?
If you met an older man who thinks all women are evil, selfish, “take-what-you-can-get-and-then-dump-them”, wouldn’t your guard be up?
If the older man that asked you out, posts memes on his social media about everything that is wrong with women, and generalizes all women as “gold-diggers”, “sperm stealing”, and “paternity fraud con-artists”, based on how all of his ex-wives lied, cheated and stole from him, would you be jumping at the bait to date him?
Of course not!
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Challenging life experiences are highlighted in this contributed post.
You’d like to think that as we get older, things will get easier because we have the wisdom and experience of many years. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case, and there are a few things that are actually easier for younger people to get through than the older generation. Here are 4 of the hardest things you can experience later in life.
old age solutions
Injury
You’re probably aware that in your later years it will be harder to get over an injury because our bones, joints and skin are slower at healing than they used to be. Injuries not only affect us physically, but they can seriously affect us mentally. For example: if you were to have a car crash that you were able to walk away from in later life, it would affect you in the sense that you’d feel fragile for longer, and worried about venturing out into the world again. Whereas younger people are able to recover faster physically; therefore able to face their fears faster and not allow themselves to become secluded.
Divorce
A big part of your life that no one wants to experience, but unfortunately it happens to at least half of all American couples. Sometimes, divorce can happen much later in life when you both realise that you’re simply not in love anymore. Whether there is a bad and ugly break up or not, it’s still very emotionally draining to go through divorce mediation.
Younger people are more likely to bounce back from a divorce due to other commitments like work and children, so they are more distracted than say a 70 year old divorcee. Regardless of your age, make sure that you have as many loved ones around you as possible if you are going through a divorce.
Children
It’s not often heard of, but sometimes new couples where one or both of the partners is older can still conceive, regardless of whether they think they might have gone through menopause, or simply unable to have children anymore. Having a child at a later age can be a big strain on the relationship because of the worry of that child losing one or maybe even both of their parents early.
Having children is never a decision to be taken lightly, but younger people are often more accepting of the news, even if the child wasn’t planned.
Moving house
Moving house is also a massive deal for anyone. It’s completely uprooting your lives and it can be hard to come to terms with it, especially if you’re not keen on the move itself. Pensioners often find it difficult to leave their beloved homes as some of them have been living there their whole life. It can also be difficult if you’re moving to a retirement home.
Take these four things into consideration and make sure that if any of them happen to you, that you get the support you need to get through a difficult time.
You’re probably aware that in your later years it will be harder to get over an injury because our bones, joints and skin are slower at healing than they used to be. Injuries not only affect us physically, but they can seriously affect us mentally. For example: if you were to have a car crash that you were able to walk away from in later life, it would affect you in the sense that you’d feel fragile for longer, and worried about venturing out into the world again. Whereas younger people are able to recover faster physically; therefore able to face their fears faster and not allow themselves to become secluded.
Divorce
A big part of your life that no one wants to experience, but unfortunately it happens to at least half of all American couples. Sometimes, divorce can happen much later in life when you both realise that you’re simply not in love anymore. Whether there is a bad and ugly break up or not, it’s still very emotionally draining to go through divorce mediation.
Younger people are more likely to bounce back from a divorce due to other commitments like work and children, so they are more distracted than say a 70 year old divorcee. Regardless of your age, make sure that you have as many loved ones around you as possible if you are going through a divorce.
Children
It’s not often heard of, but sometimes new couples where one or both of the partners is older can still conceive, regardless of whether they think they might have gone through menopause, or simply unable to have children anymore. Having a child at a later age can be a big strain on the relationship because of the worry of that child losing one or maybe even both of their parents early.
Having children is never a decision to be taken lightly, but younger people are often more accepting of the news, even if the child wasn’t planned.
Moving house
Moving house is also a massive deal for anyone. It’s completely uprooting your lives and it can be hard to come to terms with it, especially if you’re not keen on the move itself. Pensioners often find it difficult to leave their beloved homes as some of them have been living there their whole life. It can also be difficult if you’re moving to a retirement home.
Take these four things into consideration and make sure that if any of them happen to you, that you get the support you need to get through a difficult time.
online dating break up
You can’t choose
what stays and what fades
- Florence and the Machine
Bye Felipe
by Carrie Joyner
I’ll be honest. The trouble with love is that when you jump in, even if its half hearted and just on a free online dating site... you are still putting yourself out there-all jokes aside, you really are.
There is your picture/s the yesses and the no’s, the snap judgements. the elation of a match (if it’s one you really wanted) and the devastation if it’s a match that you accidentally swiped right on cause you were just on a swiping tear and meant to swipe left (trust me, it feels bad ignoring those guys, it feels mean).
Then you just feel bad not answering back to some people you just realize there is no connection with. There is seeing your exes on there that you can’t swipe left fast enough on...and then you see someone that you are like...hmmm....maybe, wait...yes.
That right swipe meant a lot to me those days. (The right swipes were no longer just handed out for thrills...I just wanted it to be a good match.)
So, Felipe and I (not his real name) matched. We chatted for about a month, which is unheard of on Tinder, even though most of our chatting was done on text or email after the first 2 days.
by Carrie Joyner
I’ll be honest. The trouble with love is that when you jump in, even if its half hearted and just on a free online dating site... you are still putting yourself out there-all jokes aside, you really are.
There is your picture/s the yesses and the no’s, the snap judgements. the elation of a match (if it’s one you really wanted) and the devastation if it’s a match that you accidentally swiped right on cause you were just on a swiping tear and meant to swipe left (trust me, it feels bad ignoring those guys, it feels mean).
Then you just feel bad not answering back to some people you just realize there is no connection with. There is seeing your exes on there that you can’t swipe left fast enough on...and then you see someone that you are like...hmmm....maybe, wait...yes.
That right swipe meant a lot to me those days. (The right swipes were no longer just handed out for thrills...I just wanted it to be a good match.)
So, Felipe and I (not his real name) matched. We chatted for about a month, which is unheard of on Tinder, even though most of our chatting was done on text or email after the first 2 days.
first date tips
He and I both have kids and tight schedules, so I found a hole in my schedule and asked him to meet me an hour and a half before my friend was supposed to show up for dinner at a restaurant. He quickly accepted.
When I met him, he was waiting at the table on the terrace where we had agreed to meet... just as he had promised, tall, handsome and well, attractive. We sat down, had a drink together, a great
conversation....it seemed perfect.
Then my friend arrived, sat down, we all chatted politely together for a minute and soon he politely stepped away and said good bye. I hugged him inside and thanked him for a nice date- no kiss on the lips...he just wanted to know when we could see each other again.
Tuesday made sense at the time so we set the date on the spot.
Everything seemed to be going well, but when Tuesday rolled around and I had a huge presentation to prepare for the next morning, I thought he would be really upset if I cancelled.
Quite the opposite- and this is where the red flags should have started going off. “Whatever I needed would work”...”No pressure”.
I thought I met the perfect man, what a chill date.
Wrong.
When I met him, he was waiting at the table on the terrace where we had agreed to meet... just as he had promised, tall, handsome and well, attractive. We sat down, had a drink together, a great
conversation....it seemed perfect.
Then my friend arrived, sat down, we all chatted politely together for a minute and soon he politely stepped away and said good bye. I hugged him inside and thanked him for a nice date- no kiss on the lips...he just wanted to know when we could see each other again.
Tuesday made sense at the time so we set the date on the spot.
Everything seemed to be going well, but when Tuesday rolled around and I had a huge presentation to prepare for the next morning, I thought he would be really upset if I cancelled.
Quite the opposite- and this is where the red flags should have started going off. “Whatever I needed would work”...”No pressure”.
I thought I met the perfect man, what a chill date.
Wrong.
first date tips
Cut to us seeing each other for 5 weeks straight, I told him I got off Tinder (hint hint) and he just kind of swerves around that and asks when we are seeing each other again. (Red flag 2)
The last time we saw each other was probably the best time, so what came next was a bit of a shock. A private facebook message from a friend came in who asked if I was still dating Felipe. I said, no, I don’t think so seeing as I haven’t really heard much from him since the night my dog was dying/died a few days ago.
She said “oh, good”.
I asked why? Did she mean because his teeth weren’t perfect? (She was my friend who met me the night he and I first met the first time).
No! She said. He has been chatting/messaging one of her friends since a few days after he and I met. They are planning on meeting up soon.
WOW.
Now not to get into specifics, but when I tell a guy I got off a dating site, it’s because I consider us as dating/exclusive.
Clearly this was not the case here.
ethical non-monogamy
I get that dating on modern dating sites can be a grey area.
However, when you are with someone for over a month, should there not be a mention of the fact that you are just one of possibly many?
Then I started being thankful that he knew little/if nothing of my family, had never met my son...I had never met his family.
Sometimes, the lord works in mysterious ways.
This Thanks Giving, I know what I am grateful for.
Honest relationships, true friendships and family.
As for the rest....BYE, Felipe!
-Carrie Joyner
 Carrie Joyner | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Post: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/swiping-right-on-tinder-jumping-in-to-online-dating |
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why dating is harder for older women part 9
trigger warning
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
And that is OK!
Believe it or not,
it is OK to be single
Some people are happier and better off when they are perpetually single. I am saying this as a Dating and Relationship Coach that some people do NOT need to be in a relationship or dating or having regular sex to be happy.
If that is the case, then why is this even a problem?
Why would being single for too long be a problem for older women?
It is only a problem if an older woman wants a serious relationship. Why? The longer a person (regardless of gender) remains single, the more challenging it is to adjust their thinking about adapting to being in a relationship again, when an opportunity finally happens.
To help me explain this, I want to share with you my experience coaching adult aged virgins.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
 adult male virgin handbook cover | |
One of the challenges they face is starting to THINK like a potential boyfriend. Seeking to be in a relationship may require a major shift in day-to-day thinking. A person who is single for a really long time, might not be open to ways of thinking that actually help in meeting people to date as well as enter into a relationship.
What does that mean?
It means, that getting into dating to seek out a relationship, especially after a very long absence (in this case, never having done it), requires a major shift in mindset.
It means being willing to disrupt your day-to-day lifestyle routine and factor in someone new into every decision you make.
Scary huh?
So an older woman faces similar challenges if she has been single for a long time.
No more being able to make a snap decision on a whim and taking a vacation at the drop of a hat. When you are in a relationship, there is someone else to consider. Someone else’s work schedule to check in with, someone else’s opinion to ask and someone else’s needs to compromise for. Really scary huh?
Wait! What if the person you are about to get serious with comes with family? Ready to bite your tongue when his parents occasionally cross the line? Ready to be a step-mom to his young kids? Ready to be a step-mom to his adult children? Ready to be step-granny to his grandchildren? Do you even like kids? Ready to give up lots of your time for weekly family dinners, graduations and birthday parties? Really-really scary huh?
Being single is not all bad. There are some good elements to it. You can come and go as you please, and you never have to factor anyone else into every decision you make. Things change when you include people in your life.
If you are not used to it,
finding yourself on the verge of a relationship
can be a very intimidating thing.
All of a sudden,
your entire way of life seems,
almost threatened,
even if the relationship
you are about to embark on is a potentially positive one.
When a person gets used to being single, it can sometimes become harder for that person to compromise. The very idea that she would have to change anything is almost unthinkable.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
That is why:
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
For example:
One of the biggest areas that single people need to be aware of that is going to keep them single, is how they cope with conflict.
How a person copes with conflict has a HUGE impact to a single person being able to transition into a
“romantic-relationship-capable-candidate”.
Some people, who have been single for a long time, are out of practice with managing intense emotions during conflicts with loved ones.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
Here are some additional examples
of some real older women clients
that I have coached.
They refused to act
like they wanted a relationship,
even though they actually did:
Single Sarah: She had gotten into the habit of spending the night at an ex’s house; not for sex, but for friendship. They remained good friends after their break up, and a couple of times a month she would go over to his place to talk, and after they would fall asleep in the same bed. Sometimes they were wearing PJs, but sometimes they were in less. When she started to see new partners, none of them stuck around when she was open about wanting to continue this friendly arrangement with her ex.
Single Shelly: She would let her male friends (mostly gay men) caress her breasts as a joke, and lick her neck during drinking games. It was “all in fun “she said, and “no big deal”. When dating, she would tell the man that she only wanted Monogamy, but that she had no intention of stopping her behaviors with her male friends, because “that’s the way it has always been” between her and her friends since college.
Single Samantha: She really liked her alone time. She had gotten into the habit of being alone on Saturdays, and using that day to catch up on all her errands. After, she would binge watch her new favorite television series. She liked her schedule kept as it was and did not want to replace her television night with a date night. Even if she was seeing a guy for a few weeks, Saturday was her “Me-Time”.
Single Stephanie: She hated cooking and cleaning, and she especially hated having to clean up after cooking. She had gotten into the habit of having her meals over the kitchen sink instead of a table because she felt that it was just more “efficient” that way. She resented cooking for her dates when she invited them over. As she was not used to sitting at a table for meals, she ended up so distracted by all the crumbs on the table and those that hit the floor during the dinner dates, that she could not focus on talking to her date.
Single Sophie: She was a very loyal, and dedicated friend to her female friends. Even when she was currently dating someone, she would still go out with her single female friends and act as the “wing woman”. She would flirt, dance, and accept drinks from the male friends of the men her girlfriends were trying to pick up. She “did not want to let her friends down” just because she was dating a new man in her life.
Single Sabrina: She has been living alone for years and loves sleeping in her big bed by herself. She is not used to rolling over and bumping into another sleeping body. She isn’t used to hearing another person breath (or snore!) while she is trying to sleep. Years ago, when she did have lovers stay the night, she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep, so started to ask her lovers to sleep on the couch after sex, so she could get sleep. After she got her pet, she would tell her lovers that they had to sleep on the couch because it was Foo-Foo’s spot to sleep next to her.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Single Sally: She values her privacy. She has friends and is socially active, but she keeps a lot of information about her life and personal preferences on a very limited “need-to-know” basis. When she is on a date and the man tries to get to know her through small talk, she sometimes gets defensive. She is not used to sharing information and that makes her feel vulnerable, even when the intent of the question is benign.
Single Sasha: She has gotten too comfortable. She hasn’t really dated in years, and enjoys only wearing comfortable, frumpy, casual clothing. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone. She doesn’t want to fix her hair, wear make up, or dress sexy. She ignores grooming tips normally associated with dating, and having a sexual relationship with a new partner. She would rather just be comfortable, and not have to try too hard.
Single Sandy: She loves a good party, and especially loves going out drinking with her girlfriends. The last time a man asked her out on a Saturday night, she told him that she might be too hung over to go out on Saturday night, because she would be out with her girlfriends on Friday. She’d let him know on if she was going to be available Saturday night. She will not change her social schedule to accommodate dating.
In all the above cases, the issue is that certain behaviors do not lend themselves to attracting quality partners. The behaviors themselves are not the issue. If you are single, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
If you remain inflexible,
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
This really shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. If you are out of habit of using any particular skill set, over time your skills will dull in that skill set. Being able to attract someone through communication and taking actions is a skills set. Being able to manage a relationship is a skill set.
Being able to behave in a way that caters to making a relationship work is a skill set. Like any skill set, if you do not employ them you lose them.
It is not like riding a bike where you let your muscle member take over. This is about how to relate to people, and how to calibrate and adjust to the person you are emotionally connected with.
This is why people who date a lot, will likely continue to date a lot.
People that are good in relationships will likely continue to end up in good relationships. People, who cannot attract another, will likely continue to be unable to attract another. People that have always been able to turn on the charm will likely continue to turn on the charm. As long as they keep their skills in practice, they will continue to get similar results.
It is not something that a person is born with.
It is a skill that can be learned.
Once learned it is necessary to repeat them over and over again until the behaviors become second nature.
Ambition and effort when not used decline because lack of use causes loss of that skill set.
The social skill set of being in a relationship can be lost if it remains unused for a lengthy period of time. That is why being single for a long time can be a major red flag in dating.
***************************************************************************************************
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
Why dating is harder for older women part 8
trigger warning
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Sometimes the reason
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!).
In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship!
Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want.
If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way.
If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it.
If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her.
Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.
learn to be charming
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries.
You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it.
Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval.
You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences.
If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you.
An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS.
Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life.
A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend.
A true friend is OK with this.
A true friend is OK with this.
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
why dating is harder for older women part 7
trigger warning
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
Is your emotional need for chemistry so important that it gets in the way of being fulfilled? Is it a way for you to escape having to be vulnerable in dating, and helps you hide behind your secret fear of intimacy? Only you can answer that for yourself.
When that feeling of butterflies in your tummy becomes more important that how a man treats you, a woman is more likely to make regrettable choices when it comes to dating and relationships.
Older women that I have coached sometimes make the mistake of confusing LUST with LOVE.
Here is a perspective; think of instant chemistry as lust. Lust is a place some couples start, and sometimes it can grow into love over time, or sometimes if fizzles out.
However, if you seek something other than lust at first sight, and learn how to create the feeling of lust with people that you do get along with better, perhaps that might be something that changes it for you.
It does take work to ignite chemistry where there is none, but if it is worthwhile for you, then it is worth the work.
In any relationship, after the “Honeymoon” phase is over, and the two of you get down to building a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your relationship, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Notice, I said friendship, not chemistry.
Chemistry will not carry you through anything,
other than maybe
make you stick around in a bad situation
until the next sexual encounter.
Does the chemistry have to be instant, or do you take the time to explore creating chemistry? If chemistry has to be instant for you, and you are refusing to put in the time to let love develop, as an older woman, you could be doing yourself a great disservice.
Love is something worthwhile.
All things worthwhile require effort. That is part of what makes them worthwhile.
Do not confuse getting attention with finding love.
Getting attention can be easier, and finding love is not.
One of the biggest struggles that older women have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Coaching Workbook For Women In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their future, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts.
When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
What I refer to in my work as our “Internal Attraction Mechanism” can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience.
Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example:
Remember that nice guy you rejected because you did not feel an attraction for him? Remember how things changed when you noticed that other women found him attractive enough to date and you started to get jealous?
Remember how that is around the time you also noticed positive aspects of him that you never noticed because you rejected him too quickly before giving him a chance?
That is one example of how chemistry can develop over time.
For those people who have experience with mental illness, do you remember how you lost interest in anything sexual with anyone, least of all your partner at the time? It had nothing to do with the other person; it only had to do with what was going on within you.
Again, chemistry is fleeting. It can be there, it can disappear, and it might appear when you least expect it.
One thing if for sure:
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
On that note, if you are currently best friends with an older man, and that older man is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor;
Say yes, and give it a chance.
Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with any new partner. Allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving relationship allows for the foundation of your relationship to also have the benefit of long nourished roots.
We all have our type. By “type” I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with.
But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to, is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, a body type or even a particular scents like a cologne that draws us in with one whiff.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the test of time.
Just for the record; if you are an older woman that refuses to put in effort to date an older man because he was not your first choice (chemistry wise), but yet complain that older men are shallow for only dating good looking younger women, you must at least be willing to face that you are exhibiting the same level of shallowness that you are raging against.
Lying to yourself will keep you single.
Does this mean that
the only way to have a successful long-term relationship
is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in?
No actually.
However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
There Are Couples
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted to, but is not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lust, for a happier and more stable life.
(Remember when I talked about
fun vs. fulfillment
earlier in the article?)
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their main partner. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed.
Finally, there are people who refuse to cheat and attempt to structure a consensual non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet, and work on having them met outside of the primary relationship. (This is currently estimated as roughly 21% of the population by two different studies).
Teaching The Rules of Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy
However for the record, most people practicing consensual non-monogamy do so because they are simply not wired to be monogamous, regardless of how good or how bad their primary relationship is.
Whether doing without, or structuring a consensual non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved.
What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control whom you are attracted to,
but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction.
It is simply a process of learning about yourself
and how to manage your relational expectations.
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
why dating is harder for older women part 6
trigger warning
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
It is called Hypergamy.
Hypergamy: (aka “marrying up”) refers to someone (usually a woman) seeking to get involved with someone else of a higher social status than herself.
What I see in my practice when coaching women, is that some women will prioritize certain traits, not because it reflects a particular value system she employs but because she seeks a man that has everything she already has, and wants the same or higher status. (e.g. If she has a summer home in Europe, she wants to find a man that already has a summer home in Europe or multiple homes more than she does.)
I have coached women who want a man that has a particular degree, because she has that same degree.
Some examples:
*If she has a Bachelor’s degree, she seeks a man that has a bachelor’s degree or higher.
*If she has a certificate from a community college, she wants the man she gets serious with, to also have a certificate from a community college or higher.
*If she makes 250K a year, she seeks a man that makes as much as she does, or higher.
This may seem like a reasonable idea, but in practice it is not.
In essence, for women who give into Hypergamy, the higher the status they acquire, the less men there are that qualify as potential dating partners.
For men, it is the opposite.
The higher the status that men acquire, the more the bounty of acceptable potential partners increases, because men do not practice Hypergamy. Men generally do not require their potential partners to have the same resources or status as they do.
For example: A millionaire male does not require that his lovers also be millionaires already. He focuses on what he wants out of dating and relationships (sex, being treated well, how she can fit into his lifestyle?) and seeks women out according to his needs. This is much in the same way an employer seeks out employees to fill particular roles in the company. They do not seek out employees who also own rival companies themselves.
This is why men generally can date from a larger pool of candidates.
A millionaire female practicing Hypergamy will only want to date a man who is as wealthy or wealthier than she is. (Which decreases the pool of potential candidates she can date).
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
- -"I cannot be attracted or even turned on by him if he makes less than 125K", says the woman who is very attractive but makes less than 40K a year at her dead end job.
- -"I refuse to date a man who works hard and steady at a blue-collar job because he is not ambitious enough", says the woman who dropped out of college and chose to work part time, instead of full time.
- -"If he cannot keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to, he does not deserve me", says the kept woman turning 35, who has never had a boyfriend or a job in her life, because none of the suitors interested in her, can match her father’s wealth that has been supporting her lavish lifestyle.
- -"There is no way I would ever date a guy with kids that I would have to also raise, with him paying alimony and child support to his ex", says the woman who is a single mother collecting child support and alimony from her ex.
- -"I refuse to go out with the guy I am being set up with, because I make 20K more a year at my job than he makes. I just can’t do that".
- -"So what if I am on disability? That doesn’t mean that I have to settle and date some guy who is also on disability! I deserve better."
Try thinking of Hypergamy as a sense of entitlement.
Hypergamy is why many high status women struggle to find a relationship. These women fail to realize that the men who can best support her high status lifestyle, are the men that have less status than she does. (That is what gives him the time to be in a supportive role).
However, when she starts employing Hypergamy she effectively eliminates those men from the bounty of potential life partners. If she is an older woman, that means she is downsizing an already reduced pool of candidates.
There may be “plenty of fish in the sea”, BUT...
if the older fishing lady seeks a fish about the same age as she is,
and if you factor in all the fish dying before she does,
and only a smaller group of the remaining fish
are going to bite at her bait,
and she further engages unreasonable criteria
in her Hypergamy
to screen out fish that swim in lower levels
than she is used to floating at,
she might as well as be fishing in a bucket!
from artist Ricky Whitney
My advice to older women who are letting their own Hypergamy get in the way, is to keep your Hypergamy in check. If you find that you simply cannot be attracted to a man who makes less money than you do, or has less education than you do, or anything else that has nothing to do with the kind of relationship partner he can be for you, then I would suggest that you complete a coaching program, or seek out therapy to work on the issues of your “Internal Attraction Mechanism”.
Ask yourself: Are you using Hypergamy to reject men as an excuse to cover up your own fear of intimacy? (It has been known to happen).
You cannot afford to waste your time on criteria that isn’t actually relevant to finding a serious relationship when you are an older woman.
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
why dating is harder for older women part 5
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Third Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
These are the men that say they are not interested in having kids, but would be open to it. They do not actually want to get a younger woman pregnant, but dating a woman young enough that he can potentially get pregnant makes him feel that he has the option of having a child.
In other cases, there are older men who are seeking relationships, and who have zero interest in having children (see my comments above regarding the vasectomy population), but who simply would rather date younger women. Sometimes it is just a matter of seeking out what he is more attracted too. Sometimes it is the fact that he has tried to date older and younger women, and he is just more compatible lifestyle-wise with a younger women (See my point later on in this article about older women carrying baggage).
Before you get angry at older men for seeking out younger women, do keep in mind that in the end, women are the ones choosing who they end up dating just as much as the men, and there is no shortage of younger women that adore, pursue and only date older men. I kid you not when I tell you there is a large amount of younger women that actively seek out older men for relationships (usually in secret), not just because of some kind of attraction (although it can happen), but also in part because of the lifestyle an older man can often afford to shower her with, that a man her own age cannot.
Just a word to all the older women who feel they lose older men to younger women.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
For that matter, there are a number of younger men and older women who enjoy each other in the “hook up” culture as well.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
Are there relationships that work out between older women and younger men?
Yes. Of course!
I would love to hear from you in the comments to help older women feel some hope in this matter, because what I tend to hear in my practice is how older women feel a loss of hope in competing with younger women, for the attention of older men. Those successful relationships do exist. When those relationships do not work out, there are just as many reasons why it does not work out for couples of all ages.
For the older men who DO seek a serious relationship with older women:
I once had a debate with a colleague regarding:
Why it seemed that there were more older men who got married after becoming a widower, and not as many older women getting married after becoming widows.
She made the argument that men needed women more, and that is why older men married more often than older women in the same age group. What she did not factor in: Because older women outnumber older men, those men who are open to having a serious relationship with older women will have a much easier time finding someone faster, and settling down again faster. Older women who simply cannot find an older man, (even if they would rather be in a relationship with an older man), have to do without.
It is not because men need women more than women need men. It has to do with basic supply and demand. The supplies of older men that seek relationships are not available to meet the demand of older women seeking older men for serious relationships.
Older men that do want a serious relationship with an older woman have a buffet-style/pick-of-the-litter options.
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
why dating is harder for older women part 4
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken.
However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again.
Did You Know A Man
On The 18 Year Plan?
Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”.
The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about.
Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children.
So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college).
If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor.
Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship.
An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be.
For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his.
This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised!
Here is another example:
Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means?
That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact.
Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces.
The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase.
If you want to attract
a quality man in the future,
act like a quality lady right now.
Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”.
It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing.
Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years).
Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it).
These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation).
By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship.
Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up.
Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her.
If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now.
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
why dating is harder for older women part 3
trigger warnings
Reason # 2 ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article.
The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex.
The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be.
The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Reason # 2: The First Factor
The First Factor:
The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny.
It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men.
Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite.
You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
Fun is NOT Fulfillment.
It never was meant to be.
It never was meant to be.
For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it.
Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying.
A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free.
See what I mean?
Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex.
Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins).
Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex.
Basically, from the time
an older man is 65,
for every 10 years that passes,
he has only about a 50% chance
of still being alive.
Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Reason # 2: The Second Factor
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
why dating is harder for older women part 2
trigger warning
Reason # 1 ....Continued....
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
Some believe it is because that by in large, the most dangerous occupations are still dominated by males. Jobs in the military, defence, police, fire fighters, sewer works, construction, and other professions that carry a high mortality rate tend to have more men than women working them. Even in a time when women and men are free to choose and compete for the same professions, men still make up the majority of workers in professions that have higher fatality rates.
Others argue more social reasons such as men abuse their own bodies more and men take more risks (insurance premiums are usually higher for men and cite this as a reason). Also some men suffering challenges may feel shame for asking for help thus more men commit suicide instead of getting help for mental illness, or succumb to untreated illnesses of all types for lack of early detection. Then there are certain social attitudes of the lives of men being de-valued. For example, we can look at such notions of saving "women and children first" (the message is men are expendable), as well as family courts tend to assign custody to the mothers, and only visitation rights to the father (men matter less) instead of a straight across the board 50-50 shared custody. If the message of a society tells men that they just aren't as important, could that factor into the shorter lifespans for men?
One of the best-documented sources of this phenomenon comes in the experience of the “Surplus Two Million Women” of Great Britain. In World War 1 (WWI), an entire generation of men went to war and never came back. (Men are expendable soldiers). This left "the Surplus Two Million" women (as they came to be known) with the challenging odds of ever getting into a serious relationship with a man. Statistically, even if every remaining young single man and young single women were paired up after the war, only 1 out of every 10 women would end up married (in a serious relationship) and have children. This is what happened when nearly 750 000 British soldiers died in WWI, and almost as many soldiers were left incapacitated. At the time (early 1900s), single parenthood was not a societal accepted option, nor was having sex outside of marriage. Thus heartbreakingly, many of those young women in there 20s, faced a life of loneliness and spinsterhood, and some even entered forbidden secret lesbian relationships for companionship.
Then there are some studies that are simply looking at genetics as the culprit. These studies suggest that the differences between male and female chromosomes may influence how the genders age differently. If this is the case, then basically it indicates that by virtue of being born male, the male children are all destined to die before all the female children born the same day (assuming there are no birth anomalies or life ending accidents over the course of a given lifespan).
Depending on the studies presented, it is estimated that women can be expected to live anywhere from 3 yrs. to 7 yrs. longer. More recent statistics show that it is now closer to 5 years.
Now, let's add to that statistic, that the median age difference between men and women that get into serious relationships is that the men are two years older than the women. That is the median age gap. Which means that because women tend to marry/get into serious relationships with men that are at least 2 yrs. older (or more), and that women outlive men of the same age, it stands to reason that more women than men will end up single again due to widowhood.
Simply put, if you are an older woman and you are looking to have a serious relationship with a man close to your own age, or older, there simply are just less men for you to choose from. The older you get, the less supply is available to reach your demand.
Here are some stats from the Canada 2016 census, and an Organizational Behavior in Health Care textbook just as an example for discussion:
General population averages see 97 men for every 100 women overall.
However:
AGE: Under 25: 105 men for every 100 women
Furthermore men die before women do which leads to:
AGES: 25-54: 99 men for every 100 women
AGES: 55-64: 92 men for every 100 women
AGES: 65-85: 70 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85-99: 54 men for every 100 women
Another stat from 2003 says:
AGES: 85+: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 99+: 19 men for every 100 women
Here are some other stats from the “2002 Journal of Women’s Health” regarding seniors and age gaps:
AGES: 65-74: 79 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 67 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 46 men for every 100 women
Among the population of nursing home residents, the gender ratios are even more dramatic:
AGES: 65-74: 75 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 24 men for every 100 women
The numbers will fluctuate slightly from consensus, surveys and studies, but the message is consistent. The older a population, the less men that are available. To really understand the significance, the number of men includes those men that are still married/unavailable for dating women, men who are not interested in women, and men with health problems that may prevent them from being able to be in a loving relationship.
Let’s do a calculation using an older male demographic:
There are 75 men for every 100 women.
Of those 75 men, we eliminate all those men who are already involved with someone, men who are too ill to be in a relationship, and men that are just not interested in being in a relationship with women.
So now, while there are technically 75 men for every 100 women, there aren’t 75 emotionally available men who are eligible for these women to even date.
Now, let’s get to the next reason.
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
why dating is harder for older women part 1
Trigger Warning
I am placing a warning at the head of this article.
This 50 page/25K word article covers and contains:
-Discussion on the effects of war, divorce, and social issues on a dating population
-Examples of gender roles, ageism and attraction
-Quoting statistics that some audiences may find disturbing
-Examples of victimization that some audiences may find disturbing
-Calling out behaviors that singles commit that correlate to remaining single
-Discussions on sex, sexually transmitted infections and consensual non-monogamy
-Human mortality and death
-Social norms that are no longer considered appropriate
-Chemistry, boundaries, compatibility, compromise and settling
Why Dating is Harder For Older Women
By Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Introduction
Recently I was at an art gallery. It was one of the few public appearances I make. At the event, I happen to run into a couple of fans of my work giving dating advice live on AM radio. These fans happen to be older women, and as the conversation progressed, they had asked for some of my thoughts about the dating challenges for older women. I promised them that I would at some point release an article about how and why dating is challenging for older women. I had already planned to produce such an article (it was on a very long list of topics I intend to cover in the future), but that conversation moved this article topic to the top of the list.
A question I am often asked by older women in the dating world is: "Where are all the good men?" Older women who are frustrated with how their love lives are virtually non-existent, are still seeking to find men to get into a relationship with, yet do not seem to be able to find men who are good enough. The truth is, there are good men out there, but as a woman gets older, she faces new challenges in dating that she never had to contend with when she was younger. In response to helping older women understand what their dating challenges are, and provide them with a solution to coping with those challenges, I have prepared this article.
I want to make it clear, that this article is not for older women who just want sex. Women, regardless of age, who simply want a sexually abundant lifestyle and live out all their sexual fantasies within the existing "hook-up" culture of anonymous casual sex have little to no problem attracting sexual attention. These women may not get the sexual attention they want from a particular subgroup of men they want, but women in general tend to have more options for random commitment-free sex than they may be aware of. That is why this article was written for older women seeking out a serious relationship with men close to her own age. Please keep this in mind as you go forward into this article.
When I started writing this article, the goal was to write an article of about 500 words, and it was intended for women who were 65+ years old. The more I wrote, and the more I researched, and the more I explored this topic, I found that this topic needed a great deal of coverage more than 500 words would allow for. I also found that women under 65 were having many of the same issues and challenges as women over 65. In fact, as I dug deeper, I can say with certain conviction that some of the women clients I have coached as young as 34 have experienced (see Reason#2 for more details), struggled with and unknowingly may have made some of the same errors as women over 65 make, without having to suffer the other real obstacles to dating that older women face.
It is in my sincere hope that this article sheds some light on a subject that I think does not get enough attention, and that in writing this article, I can at least bring some awareness to the issues involved and provide some insights and understandings towards some solutions. This article is approximately 25K words (about 50+ pages) long, and in truth, I still feel that I have only scratched the surface. I hope though that you the reader will find it a good start on your journey to be the older woman that finds connection at the end of your quest for love.
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
Seeing Ghosts: Ghosting and Online Dating
Seeing Ghosts (the online Houdini’s are everywhere on Tinder)
By Carrie Joyner
The first time I heard the expression “ghosting” was when I was driving in the car, listening to a celebrity report on the radio about a famous couple where they said “rumors are that so and so has just been ghosted by so and so”.
I remember thinking to myself “what the hell does that mean?”
After a quick Urban Dictionary search (my go-to site for finding out what things like BBW, FWB and BBG mean and the likes), here is what I found:
Top Definition
Ghosting:
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills.
Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.
Example:
Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle?
Beth: I thought it went well, but I've texted him a couple of times since then and he's been ghosting me.
Carmen: What? I thought he was more mature than that.
#ignore #ignoring #igging #avoid #avoiding #ghosting #ghost
I feel you, Beth.
When it comes to the wonderful world of Tinder, there are certain things that you just can’t explain and really leave you scratching your head in the “ WTH just happened there?” kind of way.
I am talking about conversations, however long or short, where the person just drops off the face of the Tinderverse.
Their profiles are still active, sometimes they don’t even bother unmatching you- they just don’t want to communicate anymore.
If the definition really means actually going on a date with someone and then just never hearing from them again, this applies to me, as well.
The first 3 in-person Tinder dates seemed to go really well.
They were sexy men, could hold a conversation, there seemed to
be chemistry...but at the end of each of those dates came a request to come back to my place.
Not really my style,
so I would playfully decline and then POOF.
They were gone.
One of them went to the bathroom after the bill was paid and didn’t even bother to say goodbye. He texted me right after saying he thought I had left, so he left.
Who does that?
Then he asked to see me again,
I said sure (he was a 10 hot)...
giving him the benefit of the doubt,
and then he “ghosted”.
Why go to the trouble of asking for a second date if there was never any intention on actually setting one up?
Trying to navigate the online dating (or arguably- the online hook up) world is at times confusing, tedious and well, to be brutally honest, hurtful.
There must be some sort
of Tinder behavior code, memo or manual
that I never got to read.
I can’t tell you how many hot guys
I have matched with who
a.) never bothered to say anything,
or
b.) say something super basic and then once they get a reply
...ghost.
My favorite one was a guy who asked to connect on messenger, asked me if I wanted to go over to his place for wine and a massage, asked me for a full body pic, and when I said he could just go check on Facebook, he said “the fact that you won’t send me one proves my point”.
I responded “the fact that you want our first date to be at your place, involve being naked contingent on seeing my full body pic, proves mine!”
At least after I said “Good luck and BYE!”
I got a reply...it was this: “CYA”. Perfect.
That is not a ghost, just a jerk.
The light at the end of my tunnel (no pun intended) is that for the past few weeks I have been seeing and really falling for a Tinder dude. He was walking up to my place yesterday and I actually got butterflies for the first time in a long time. We will see where it goes, but I am hoping he doesn’t one day just turn into a ghost, too.
-Carrie Joyner
 Author, Carrie Joyner | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Post: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/swiping-right-on-tinder-jumping-in-to-online-dating |
Why I will be single for the rest of my life
Why I Will Be Single For the Rest of my Life
Even Though it is Not my Choice
by Jackie Blue
It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age.
Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah.
I’ve experienced this myself.
People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me.
Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship.
So what have I done in the past year since I became single?
I suffered in silence.
I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many.
Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than
being single.
My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam".
He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him?
The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later.
We ended our relationship.
Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age.
Even Though it is Not my Choice
by Jackie Blue
It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age.
Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah.
I’ve experienced this myself.
People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me.
Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship.
So what have I done in the past year since I became single?
I suffered in silence.
I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many.
Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than
being single.
My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam".
He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him?
The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later.
We ended our relationship.
Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age.
Also, at that time last year,
I met Scott through a social media site.
A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night.
He became night friend.
He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him.
We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life.
We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did
was a sign
—that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once.
He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me.
Even my ex, Sam noticed it.
Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships.
I met Scott through a social media site.
A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night.
He became night friend.
He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him.
We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life.
We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did
was a sign
—that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once.
He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me.
Even my ex, Sam noticed it.
Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships.
He introduced me to his parents as well as his oldest friends from university days.
Then I stupidly told him I had feelings for him.
He said he was only interested in me as a friend
though his behavior proved otherwise at times. I now understand that Scott entering my life was nothing more than a cruel joke.
For people like me, hope is a cruel thing.
The man who possessed everything I always wanted in a man walks into my life only to walk out without a truthful explanation.
I had spent lots of money on dating sites only to have no results.
I know I am going to have to settle for less once again if I expect to be in a relationship, but no one was interested.
The smallest of bites were very short lived. None of them were my type, but again, would’ve settled.
I was given the schpiel by most of them:
They were looking for someone more:
*athletic,
*younger,
*someone with money who could afford to travel the world and partake in expensive sports and hobbies with him.
I was told I had the “wrong look” for them.
Also, the absence of a career turned them off. I am on disability benefits thanks to a group insurance from my last job. I can no longer work due to my health. Nonetheless, I was treated as if I was a welfare recipient which is frowned upon in the dating world. Particularly if you are looking for someone with beyond a high school education. I did not renew my subscriptions to those sites.
I had purchased ebooks which confirmed what I knew—finding a suitable mate while being an older woman is problematic. Someone suggested meet-up groups for singles, but there were a few issues finding a group with people my age. And the ones that existed all took cruises and trips to Mexico together. They frequent very expensive restaurants and bars.
On a fixed income, this is not possible for me.
Besides, I do not function well in groups.
I tend to feel lost and/ or like I am suffocating and I either end up zoning out or having crippling panic attacks.
I am only able to function on a one to one situation.
I am not even going to try to pretend
anymore.
Again, why would I twist myself into knots
simply to get 2nd or 3rd choice
to even look
at me?
Why would I go through the insults from men,
who are not my 1st choice,
telling me I don’t have the right look or style?
I also remember talking to men in my age group and a bit older about that whole dating scene. Mainly, I wanted to know why they were searching for women much younger than themselves? More often, why women young enough to be their daughters?
They basically told me that older women
carry too much baggage
and it was not fun for them.
Too many chips and cracks,
some had told me.
I had joined a Facebook group where people commiserated over bad experiences with dating sites and our frustration with them. Many of the women in this group were in my age bracket and many of whom, single for over 20 years. That was and still is very frightening to me. There really isn’t someone for everyone. But then, I should’ve known that was a mathematical impossibility.
Women outnumber men.
As time goes on, the loneliness gets more painful.
In that Facebook group, I had initiated a conversation thinking I must move out of the city I live in in order to find a partner. As much as I love living in the city, I knew that only rural men showed interest in me. Never city men.
I was chastised for that
saying I should learn to be a strong woman.
That is cold comfort to me.
A painful realization came.
I will never ever find another Scott.
I would have to settle for whatever I can get yet again.
However, I can’t seem to find anyone
who would even be remotely interested.
Dating is worse than a job interview. Come to think of it, I’ve had more fun at job interviews—with very bad interviewers.
So much effort just to settle.
Looking for a relationship has become synonymous with applying for a bank loan or looking for a job. You only get a loan when you prove to the loan officer you don’t really need it. You only get a job when you don’t really need one.
I’ve stopped looking as a result and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever just like those women on my facebook group.
I had also come to the realization, why must I work so hard on my image just for a man I know I am simply settling for? It is exhausting trying to impress one who would be a second or even third choice.
I won’t even find anyone who measures up to Sam.
There will never be another Scott. Why bother?
I have also come to the realization that sometimes we must pay for a mistake we made for the rest of our lives.
Separating from Sam is one such mistake I made.
Sometimes there is no second chance.
What I will not do, however, is pretend that this is fun.
Not anymore.
Frankly, I am tired of being penalized for things beyond my control.
Things like finances, poor health, not the ideal appearance as dictated by society as a whole. Not having a career. Being over 30. Exactly the opposite of what men are looking for today in any age bracket.
One only has to look to profiles on dating sites to know this.
Scott and I still talk on and off, but we have not visited each other in the last four months. Oh one can say long distance relationships don’t work but he knew I was willing to relocate. My mother and other friends just live an hour away from him.
As for him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that theory is blown out of the water. He is looking to date others now. It’s only matter of time he will find somebody to live happily ever after with, especially now that he has lost a significant amount of weight. Given he’s been single for a year and a half now, and he’s lost all that weight, it will likely be sooner rather than later before he finds somebody.
The lesson here is, especially late in life, if you’re in a relationship or married, even if the relationship is mediocre, if there are no issues of addiction and/ or violence, do all to hold it together anyway. Even if he/she cheats on you, stick around. If someone drops into your life with uncanny timing, even if he/she appears to be your ideal mate, run as fast and as far as possible away from him/her. It’s just a test of your resolve to keep a long term relationship and/or marriage together.
Please learn from my mistake.
-Jackie Blue
 Jackie Blue, writer | Author Bio Jackie Blue is a former stripper, who got a degree in Life Studies graduating from The School of Hard-Knocks. Her writing is raw, honest, confessional, comes from the heart, and although sometimes controversial and politically incorrect, her writings are always hers and always real. |
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Swiping Right On Tinder: Online Dating
Swiping Right
by Carrie Joyner
I always figured the next love of my life would happen organically.
After 2 years of taking a break from the soul sucking world of online dating, I decided to jump back in because the old fashioned way of meeting men just wasn’t happening.
Not the right ones, anyhow.
The romantic notion of meeting Mr. Right in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store went out the window a long time ago since Steve Jobs put iphones in 90% of the populations hands.
Human interaction is scarce these days.
Eye contact is nothing short of a miracle.
People would rather Snap Chat themselves with cartoon eyes and dog noses.
-I don’t get it.
-I don’t want to get it.
I didn’t go hungry the past two years, don’t get me wrong.
I just needed to kick start the process and increase the odds of landing a dream partner before I start thinking about getting a few cats and spending every night binge watching Million Dollar Listing and fantasizing about a career in high profit real estate.
Putting yourself out there lends to some pretty deep self-analysis by being part of that online, fast food style relationship world.
Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there…but you have to cut through a lot of weeds to find a good one.
With my iphone machete in hand, I began hacking away.
Vessel of choice: Tinder
Sign Up For Frank Coaching Jumping Back Into Dating
I am tired of paying for the chance to meet someone who could ultimately end up wasting years of my life.
I spent the better part of 2 years in 3 useless relationships because of that.
Recently divorced and feeling the clock ticking in the last few years of my 30’s, I dropped the bar…forget raising it…and settled with three different men for the sake of being in a relationship.
Mild levels of attraction led to a lot of time being complacent, at times anxiety-inducing and ultimately unfulfilling relationships.
One was crazy, one was a jerk and one was just too nice.
 Stop Acting Crazy, And Learn To Be Charming And Charismatic |  Is She Dating A Jerk? |  Seduction Guide For Nice Guys |
I just signed up two weeks ago, so about 50 matches later, 4 disappointing actual dates, I am taking a deep breath and getting ready for week three.
The latest date was probably the strangest.
A hot pilot who had been texting with me for about 24 hours before I found a hole in my schedule and asked him if he was free.
He was, we set up a time and place to meet for a drink.
He arrived 30 minutes late because he was stuck in traffic and took about ten minutes to establish consistent eye contact with me.
This is where all that self analysis kicks in.
The reality is that I am sitting in front of a total stranger.
Discover The New Rules Of Dating
I don’t know if he has issues.
I don’t know his back story
or what really happened in his last relationships,
or how hurt he had been in the past.
The questions float around my head incessantly.
-Is he not focusing because he is nervous?
-Am I too good looking for him?
-Am I not good looking enough?
I finally hooked him in a topic that he was semi-passionate about and I had my eye contact at last.
He didn’t want to leave,
but I have to cut these things short unless there are fireworks.
Plus, my dog needed a walk.
He texted me after to make sure I got home safely, which was thoughtful.
He asked if he could see me again
and I said yes,
because maybe that first encounter
was just scratching the surface.
I haven’t heard back from him all weekend
and I am not going to reach out first
…I am old school like that.
Online dating is not how I imagined meeting my next boyfriend and hopefully husband, but it is the easiest way to start connecting to total strangers, some with good intentions, others not so much.
It takes time, energy, thick skin and courage of steel
to not cancel dates
that seem like a good idea while couch surfing with chardonnay.
Total exposure.
But I guess you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket,
so let the games begin!
-Carrie Joyner
 Carrie Joyner, Writer | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Post: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/the-power-of-the-yoga-community-and-the-drive-by-divorce |
Pay It Forward
Dear Franktalks blog readers.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
This post was removed from the site at the end of May 2025.
The original author Karen Cross has requested that this article be removed from the Internet due to the amount of trolling she has been subjected too for the contents of this article.
Karen wrote the original article around 2013. In 2017 I reached out to Karen and asked for permission to repost the article. Karen granted me permission and that disclaimer was posted at the bottom of the article.
Franktalks wishes Karen peace and healing during this time,
and hopes that the trolling and online abuse will stop.
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Love is Not a Power Play
Love is Not A Power Play:
A New Constitution For Conscious Relationships
by Arun Eden-Lewis
I realized in my late teens that attempting to blame and shame white people into giving me a break by regularly reminding them of more than 400 years of slavery was counterproductive.When, eventually, I let go of my anger and embraced forgiveness, I noticed that people (for the most part) started to treat me not as a black man, but simply as a human being.
Similarly, reminding men in every discussion on gender parity of hundreds of years of patriarchy, not only to justify the drive for equality but also preferential treatment and sometimes abusive behavior, is also counterproductive. I am not suggesting we forget the injustices of history but I am suggesting we lay them to rest and forgive the sins of our fathers in order to progress together.
Recently, I wrote an article on the commonly-asked question, “Where have all the good men gone?” It generated a lot of heat, as well as plenty of constructive discussion.
We have come a long way since the suffrage movement of the 19th century, but clearly there is still some way further to go to achieve genuine gender equality.
The challenge we now face is to realize that equality for women without simultaneously tearing down men to achieve it.
In our work and all our endeavors together, as conscious men and women, we must stand up for equality together, knowing that one day we will be equal, not only by the laws of the land but also in our hearts and minds.
Presently, we seem to be caught in a destructive dynamic of battling sexes, but I believe we can find healthier and more constructive ways to achieve gender parity.
Our challenge is to adopt more balanced policies of cooperation, rather than the competitive and adversarial tribalism so apparent in many of our current institutions, sociopolitical systems, and modes of thought-behavior, rooted so firmly in outdated paradigms of “us against them.”
I believe our society can evolve beyond these adversarial paradigms—evolve consciously and purposefully in our core humanity and genuinely embrace equality, not just in the letter of our laws but also embrace the spirit and ideals of equality where no laws are present.
We appear to live in a society where the system is geared to please some of the people some of the time. No single system known can please all of the people all of the time. However, I believe we can and will create a more humanitarian and tolerant society that pleases most of the people most of the time.
I believe we can form more harmonious unions, cultivate domestic and occupational peace, encourage the common defense of justice, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of equality in our pursuit of happiness, through an evolved “constitution of conscious men and women.”
Dating dynamics:
Perhaps the two most destructive elements in many modern relationships between men and women are the “power struggle” and the “jealousy game.” These two modes of behavior are often intertwined and their definitions blur each into the other as a consequence. But what is clear is that once these insidious games are initiated, a relationship is usually on a countdown to self-destruction.
The power struggle is essentially the game couples play to determine who is the protagonist in the relationship. This inevitably creates a dynamic where the potential protagonist is both actively and passively being opposed, rivaled, and competed with by the antagonist. In essence, the lead and supporting actors are trying to steal every scene from each other. What makes the power struggle so complex is that, in any given situation, the roles of protagonist and antagonist can be and often are reversed.
The power struggle involves controlling the activities of a partner, where they go, what they do and who they do it with. It involves the habitual criticism, shaming, and ridiculing of what a partner says, does, and how they say and do it.
These power plays are designed to achieve one thing: to undermine the self-esteem and confidence of a partner, and, conversely, to make the perpetrator feel empowered. But empowerment obtained from the debasement of another is not true power, it is merely a temporary tyranny.
One of the most destructive tactics used within the power struggle is the jealousy game. Indeed, a game within a game only adds to its virulent nature.
The jealousy game involves flirting with members of the opposite sex, and being sure our significant other knows about it. It involves letting our partner know just how attracted we are to celebrities and stars, implying our partner’s comparative success is inadequate. It involves habitually bringing ex-partners into conversations to provoke the green-eyed monster. This tedious tit-for-tat game rarely, if ever, has a happy ending.
Increasingly, the 21st century extension of the jealousy game is to use an electronic device of some kind—a computer, a tablet, but especially a smartphone—as a way of denying organic attention to a partner. These devices are an essential part of modern life, no doubt, but in the context of the Power Struggle they also serve as a way to detach from and passively dominate partners.
When the Power Struggle inevitably spirals out of control, tempers flare into heated arguments, often leading to verbal and or physical violence. But we should note that, by the time conflict has reached this boiling-point, it has usually been preceded by protracted mental and emotional violence in the form of the simmering Power Struggle.
This raises the phenomenon of “toxic debate.” Toxic debate is characterized by discussion that is no longer based in calm, logical, or rational argument, but rather in high emotions, degrading language, and name-calling. It involves attempted character assassination, blaming and shaming, raised voices and, sadly, raised hands.
The solution?
Awareness of the game itself allows us to consciously choose not to play by its rules. If you find yourself caught in the power struggle and calm, rational, non-blaming discussions do not change the relationship dynamics then walk away from the partnership before the real damage is done.
Refuse even to participate in toxic debate. Love is not a power play; it is a stage where we can be strong or vulnerable and feel entirely trusted, trusting, and safe. Conscious men and women understand this and, increasingly, are making far better choices regarding who they date.
The less conscious among us are so conditioned by the rules of the power struggle that they are either unwilling or unable to engage in a different and healthier way of being in a relationship. This kind of person, often unconsciously, sees compromise and fair-mindedness in their significant other merely as an opportunity to exert control over their partner. Date them at your peril.
Marriage and family:
Because of the emotional and financial risks attached to modern marriage, it is reasonable to understand the unwillingness of some to invest and trust in the institution. If we find ourselves in a relationship where only one partner wants to be married, then the prudent attitude for this partner is to accept the choice of the other partner, hard as it may be to do.
Pressuring someone into marriage is not a fair indication of love or commitment, from either party.
Hopefully, by the time a couple decides to get married, all the power plays would have been rejected in favor of trust, equality, and love. Sadly, there is on average a 50 percent chance modern marriages will fail, usually because the Power Struggle either continues from the preceding dating days, or it has been lying dormant and manifests once the knot is tied.
A marriage between a conscious man and woman is an equal partnership, there is no protagonist or antagonist, no lead and supporting actors—rather, it is an ensemble piece. Cooperation is preferable above and beyond competition. Flexible interdependence is preferable above and beyond strong independence. Conscious caring is preferable above and beyond cloying codependents.
The conscious husband and wife have clear and defined roles. That is not to suggest roles are fixed and rigid, but rather that all the responsibilities of marriage are known and shared, so that both parties feel equally valued and of value.
These shared responsibilities and values cannot and should not be prescribed here, rather they are the prerogative of each couple to establish for themselves with open, honest, and fair-minded conversations. Often the guidance of an impartial arbitrator is helpful, in the form of a qualified counselor or perhaps parents from both sides of the family.
Regarding divorce:
Now is an appropriate time to pull aside the romanticized veil of marriage and see it, not only with the rose-tinted sentiments of love, but also with the clear-lenses practicalities of a business. There is no doubt that love is the most beautiful business when it goes right, but when it goes wrong it can be the most terrible and brutal.
Prenuptial agreements can avoid long and costly disputes in divorce. Prenuptial agreements can be shaped and tailored to the specific requirements of each marriage: to protect assets, to define the distribution of property upon divorce, to protect one party from assuming the debts of the other, conditions of alimony, and much more besides.
Generally, the issues of child support and child custody cannot be included in a prenuptial agreement, but rather the courts usually determine for themselves what is in the best interest of the children on a case by case basis.
As the parameters and legality of prenuptial agreements differ from state to state and country to country, it would be advisable to consult an appropriate solicitor to clarify the laws and conditions applicable to prenuptial agreements relevant to each region.
Increasingly, the conscious man and woman seldom enter into marriage relying solely on faith and good fortune to see them through. They also employ the prudence of the law to insure their rights. We routinely insure everything from our pets to our vacations–it makes perfect sense then to insure, to some degree at least, our marriages also.
War in the workplace:
Next to our homes, the workplace is probably the fiercest battleground in the war of the sexes. There are so many issues to attend: equal opportunity, equal pay, sexual harassment…too many topics to fully cover here. So, I will take a broad stroke instead.
One of the less obvious perpetuation of the gender war in the workplace, but not exclusive to it, are the mindlessly repeated slogans of our social conditioning, “men can’t multi-task,” “women are too emotionally unstable for positions of authority,” “men have better spatial awareness than women,” “women mature quicker than men,” and on and on it goes ad nausea.
These kinds of prejudicial attitudes are often sugar-coated with a dose of worn-out humor to help us swallow the bitter pill, or worse, still supported by some spurious scientific study to reinforce stereotypes that belong firmly in the past.
A word of caution, though: These kinds of wayward attitudes do not require zealous politically correct thought-police to name, shame, and punish the guilty, but rather civil conversations between colleagues, many no doubt previously unaware of the damage this kind of insipid social conditioning does, and how its prejudices creep up on us slowly and become normalized.
Take “women can’t read maps” or “women are more intuitive than men,” for example. These kinds of socially engineered viruses are often received from some gossipy glossy magazine or tatty television segment, backed up by a suitably bespectacled doctor, professor or scientist, then endlessly recycled via social-media. Before we realize it, they have become universal truisms, but fortunately for the conscious men and women among us, they do not become the universal truth.
Since the birth of science, human beings have used its discoveries to attack each other. We should not use the perceived legitimacy of science, in all its forms, to legitimize beating each other over the head, metaphorically or literally. The authority of a white laboratory coat, so to speak, should only go so far before we stop to think for ourselves, otherwise science becomes little more than an unquestioned religion.
When we stop throwing these neuro-sexism slogans at one another the workplace will become a much friendlier environment to spend half of our lives. When conscious men and women are friends, the possibilities in life are endless. We can work with each other as equals, rather than continually competing against one other.
Studies and statistics are but a beginning,
not an end to issues of equality:
Through research, I have found studies and statistics that either reinforce, refute, or re-evaluate the many gender issues in discussion here. For example, research on the wage-gap will provide pertinent information outlining its reality and how to redress it, and other credible research claiming laws currently in place guaranteeing men and women equal pay for equal work have all but eliminated the pay-gap.
So, it seems that we are waging a war of the sexes, not only in the bedroom and the boardroom, but also in the sciences and study groups funded both by governments and private organizations. The findings of these studies are then used to legitimize one political agenda or another. But, as the phrase made popular by Mark Twain goes,
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
We must then also give trust to the day to day experiences that we share with the men and women in our own lives. How are we treating and being treated as fellow human beings?
We are in the midst of the so-called information age, but it is possible to rely too much on the information we are being fed through the media and social-media and not enough on our personal experiences, which may give us a more complete and real-world picture regarding what is actually happening with issues of equality and social justice in general.
In the process of gaining and maintaining equality, conscious men and women must guard diligently against falling foul to the same misdemeanors of those clinging to the old adversarial patterns and power struggles. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for equality by drinking from the bitter cup of anger.
We must always conduct our struggle from the platform of patience and compassion. We must never allow our protests, passionate though they are, to degenerate into verbal or physical violence. And if such violence are perpetrated against us, as is so often the current trend, we must rise above them, meeting aggression with fearless and peaceful determination.
Now is the time for armistice, now is the time for conscious men and women to walk away from the brutal battlefield of the warring sexes and to lift up our fatigued faces to the sunlight of gender equality and social justice.
There will always be those unwilling or unable to change. However, conscious men and women are not gender evangelists, we do not seek to change sour wine into sweet, but respectfully agree to disagree and peacefully allow the naysayers to go their own way.
In the course of our progress, it becomes necessary to dissolve certain modes of being belonging to previous times and to assume, instead, the equality to which the laws of humanity and nature entitle us.
In the wake of that progress, we shall enjoy new freedoms, expressed in the true equality of men and women, by men and women, for men and women, so that we will no longer judge or be judged by the character of our gender but rather by the content of our character.
This truth is self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, and indeed that some are not more equal than others. I believe we are all inherently blessed by the laws of nature with certain undeniable rights, among them: equality, freedom, and the unimpeded pursuit of happiness.
~
Re-read:
I’ll Tell you Where all the Good Men have Gone.~
Author: Arun Eden-Lewis
 Arun Eden-Lewis | Author Arun Eden-Lewis completed his first yoga teacher training in 2001 in the Sivananda style before going on to complete two more advanced teacher training courses with Godfrey Devereux in DynamicYoga. Arun has journeyed to India, Sri Lanka and Bali seeking the most valuable yoga knowledge from the most inspiring teachers in the world. He has practiced extensively in Ashtnga Vinysa and Iyengar Yoga. Drawing on all these strands, and many years of self-practice and teaching, Arun has developed the unique PrajYoga method, of which the ever inspiring 8 Indians sequence is an integral part. He can be reached through his website: White Island Retreat |
The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce
By Carrie Joyner
The main idea when I created my yoga and fitness studio was to build a community of like-minded people; people who loved yoga, people who wanted to get healthy and fit and strong…mind, body and soul.
I had no idea how important this community would become to me until about 2 weeks after opening the doors and had just experienced a drive by divorce.
If you have ever started or owned a business, you probably know how stressful it is.
You bet it all on red, dedicate months or years (in my case it took about 2 years of planning, financing and finding the perfect location, location, location) to even get to the point where you could actually consider it being “in business”.
Add on to that the end of a marriage that involved a 4 year old son, and it was a recipe for disaster.
So what is a drive-by divorce?
It’s getting a text from your husband asking you to come outside at lunch time.
I told him to just come into the studio, I had a pole dancing class going on and wanted to make sure all went well.
Then it’s getting another text saying “please, it’s really important…”, so I went outside.
I was greeted by the black Mercedes SUV, opened the door, got in and found my now ex-husband staring at me with red eyes and tear stains on his custom fit Armani suit.
He didn’t say much as he drove literally to the other end of the parking lot, where he parked the car and looked at me and said “You aren’t in love with me anymore, and I am not in love with you…we are getting a divorce.”
Simple as that.
The conversation was a bit of a blur.
I remember it not being a conversation, more of a speech.
I asked him what his next move was, and he said it was to go home and get his stuff.
He was moving into a near-by hotel, it’s just over.
My only concern at this point was not me, but our son. I said “What about Shane? What do we tell Shane?” “Nothing”, he said, “tell him I am on a business trip until I figure it out.”
I got in my jeep and drove far, far away- not wanting my clients or staff to see me crying.
I headed to my best friends house on auto-pilot. She wasn’t there, so I headed back to the studio and did a few more hours of work like a robot.
I couldn’t think, move, feel….breathe.
It was a sucker punch to the heart.
I thought things were getting better, he said they were.
Apparently not.
The next few days were a blur.
I was in shock but trying to act like things were normal for my son, who was totally out of the loop.
Every morning I woke up, took my son to daycare, went to the studio and tried to get through the day.
Working on and at the studio proved to be the perfect distraction.
I was an open door kind of girl, and anyone- staff, client, teacher, etc. knew that they could always pop in and say hi or talk to me. This revolving door of mostly females became my tribe. Literally. I would tell them what was going on if they had the intuition or inclination to ask, and I would repeat the story a million times over.
Not only did I find women who had been through the same or a similar situation and even some men, but I found a sounding board and it became like therapy to me.
Between emotionally fuelled lawyer visits to trying to be zen and teaching my yoga classes, my studio became more than a studio.
It became my happy place.
When we were under construction, I wanted a big executive office in the back room with cameras and an intercom-but I ended up putting my tiny desk in a tiny closet right off the lounge and reception area, so I actually sacrificed luxury for the benefit of hearing every conversation, every client at the desk and being 10 feet away from my staff at any given time.
Which leads me to Merissa.
I heard a woman freaking out at the desk about a canceled Pilates class.
We used Mind Body software, which allowed us to see who had registered for what class, so if there was a cancellation for whatever reason, we could contact them to notify them of the cancellation. She did not register, but showed up at the “regular” time and was livid that the class had been cancelled.
I think the teacher was sick and we couldn’t find a sub. Whatever the case was, I decided to go out and talk to her. I asked her if she wanted some tea.
We sat in the lounge and sipped on tea as she vented about how far she’d come expecting to do her class and go home and make dinner.
I apologized, things happen sometimes that are out of control.
I guess she saw that I wasn’t my normal bubbly self and asked if I was alright.
I said no, not really.
I was a little overwhelmed with what had happened. I explained what I was going through and in the blink of an eye she went from an angry client to a person with the best words of advice I have yet to hear.
She told me about one of her best friends who had been married to a pilot, and he did the same thing.
In this case, there was another woman involved.
What she told me next wouldn’t change my life, but it did change my outlook on everything.
She said “the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your son.
Get yourself into the best physical shape you have ever been in, focus on being happy and spoiling yourself.
Don’t do this to make him feel bad, do it to make you feel amazing and not sit there thinking about the why’s and the poor me’s.”
This did not make everything better. It did not change the situation or my grieving process.
But after Merissa, I talked to literally hundreds of women, of every age, who had similar stories.
I stopped feeling like I was the only person this had ever happened to.
I started to let go of the blame and anger and I started to feel really, really connected to every person who walked through my doors.
We all have a story.
We do.
Once we learn to embrace the fact that everyone is going through, has gone through, or will go through a life altering struggle- we become one.
That community that I started building became my pillar of strength in a trying time.
They say everything happens for a reason. I believe it.
-Carrie Joyner
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Age Gap Relationship Interview Collection
Age Gap Relationship aka May December Relationships
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
Age Gap Relationships
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
May-December, Age Gap Relationships
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Passion - Age Gap Relationships
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships
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