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5 places to meet senior singles are explored in this contributed post.  Get Yourself Out There To Meet Someone Special Our society binds us with some tricky and notorious repercussions. All we hear about how to behave in a certain way and not to be off track of conventional and archaic social methods. But from the early part of human society, many love stories have grown or we can safely say that they have destroyed our so-called native ways. No matter what, love is eternally young. You fall for it once in your life no matter how much you have prepared yourself for it or against it. While in later stages of life, it may seem a bit difficult to fall in love rather find a potent partner for yourself. When you become older, you might want to feel settled in your life instead of getting adventurous. Divorcee or not, in later stages everyone wants someone in their life who would care for them, make them feel warm, be there for literally no reason. But finding someone or 'the special one' is not an easy task whatever your age may be but it can be done with some measured effort. Some of the following may woo you to some extent and can allure you to try at least once in a while. Community events Apparently, most people tend to be more absolved from work in later stages of life than in early parts. Maybe that's why it is not that bad a reason to be involved in many separate community events in your senior years. There is no shortage of need for willing volunteers in today's chaotic social world. You can contribute in many ways. Any educational institutions would love to get you for your many experienced years. You can certainly take part in numerous NGO activities to make many human lives bit easier. Or rather you can be a yoga trainer or a salsa trainee. Simply you can just go out there and have fun and in the process, you might find yourself lucky enough. Travel Undoubtedly, a divine method to spend some sheer quality time and if you're taking the trip with your senior club then it would just the icing on the cake. Moreover, if the trip consists only single members then certainly you can fish for your prolonged romantic partner. Online dating service A must to have at a dig. DoULikeSenior is a vast pool of potent candidates waiting to be matched. You can definitely look through a profile of your choice and prepare yourself beforehand for the upcoming compatibility issues which you may have been wrongly done in the past and can be intimate and romantically involved with your preferred partner. Volunteer services A lovely idea to utilize your extra time to help and heal others. There are a number of communities where you can enlist yourself willingly and they can put in touch with similar aged members who care for like you do. So, this is maybe just the foundation you and your would-be partner will cognate greatly for a fact. Senior fitness class Fitness training is a lot more fun when you are accompanied. Also, at this age, you should try to stay as much fit you can afford. Let us hope, there is another person who hopes just the same and bingo! you're in luck. After that, if you find one of your likings, you may be just sweat out together and it can lead to many fortunate possible futures. Afterwards, be sure to make your partner feel special in a way which they never have experienced. Be romantic, be lively, be in love, because life is short. Above all, be true to yourself and your partner.
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Do you find yourself dating at age 50 or more? Read these 4 Tips explored in this contributed post, to learn how to make your mid-life dating a positive experience.  The Right Mindset Can Make Dating After 50 A Positive Experience Divorce rates for those older than 50 in Canada have risen over 30%. This seems to be in line with international patterns, as divorce is up similarly for older Americans as well. Around the world, divorce after 50 is becoming increasingly common. After leaving a long term relationship, dating during mid-life, in the new world of trends and rules, can be very intimidating. But it doesn't have to be an insurmountable challenge. With the right mindset, dating can be a path to meet new people and have adventures. Some of the adventures might be less than perfect, but a positive attitude can make a big difference. Try to Stay Positive Dating at any age can be hilarious, exciting, traumatic -- but mostly, fun. At the very least, it should provide you with an amusing story or two. It can definitely help to stay open minded and attempt to be light hearted about the whole thing. Perhaps accept a date from someone you might not "normally" go out with. Expand your horizons. Try going to new places. The important thing is not to focus not on finding a long lasting relationship, but on just getting out and having fun. As counter intuitive as it might seem, keeping your eyes on the big prize -- finding another love of your life -- puts too much pressure on the situation. It's better to think of dating as just a part of reality that has its own ups and downs. Age Is Just a Number Lately, people have been saying that 50 is the new 30, but on the whole, your age is simply not important to what you can and cannot do. Divorce after 50 presents a range of testing and unique challenges for sure, but going out to a dance club doesn't have to be one of them. You are allowed to do other things to enjoy yourself like exploring new places, going to a bar, and even spending the night with someone new. Don't worry so much about how old you are. Think about what you want to do, and do it. You will find there are plenty of people your age out there actually still living their lives to the fullest. Make the First Move One fantastic thing about dating in the modern world is that women no longer have to wait to be asked out. The rules have changed since some of us were dating in our 20s and 30s. Overall, though, both men and women in their mid-lives should feel confident about taking initiative. Ask someone to dance. Send a flirty text on an internet dating site. It's possible that you might be rejected sometimes, but other times, your feelings will be reciprocated, and that builds confidence. Try Online Dating If you're in your 50s, online dating might sound like a desperate move, but the stigma has completely gone out of it. More and more people meet this way. There are many online dating sites from which to choose, some specializing in ethnic or religious groups. Remember, you don't have to be looking for the next Mr. or Mrs. Right. You just need to be amenable to trying to have a fun night out. Remember in your new adventures to always be safe. It's prudent to meet people for the first time in a public place, for example. You might also want to let a friend know where and when you will be out, and call him or her when you get back. As long as you are taking care of yourself and allow yourself to enjoy new places and new company, dating doesn't have to be scary. It can be a fun, transformational part of your life as a single person.  How To Be Bald And Confident |
 What Men Want And Don't Know It | In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity. This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity. An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think. |
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
Yes.
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
 Learn Social Cues so Hair Loss Will Never Stop You | In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma” I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand. So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%. |
The Emotional Needs of Men and Women Audio Set For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
Dating a Younger Woman
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
or
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Acceptance:
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
women's emotions in relationships Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
An example:
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
Why?
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
what men really want in a woman How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
 change your life in 90 days | For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help. It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers. |
| Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives. In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends! They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns). |  lose your virginity in 90 days |
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Own it.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
Remember Monty?
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
-Frank Kermit
Get Her Now
Tinder Breaks And Breakthroughs by Carrie Joyner, Online Dating
TINDER BREAKS AND BREAK-THROUGHS
A BLOG BY CARRIE JOYNER
A BLOG BY CARRIE JOYNER
Recently, I was at a friends birthday party.
As the kids were playing and having fun, the moms started to talk. There were a few women who stayed and opted to catch up with each other vs. doing the traditional drop and run (I do love me a pedicure, though, if I don’t know the parents that well!). These women who stayed are women that I know well on personal levels, most of whom I have known for a very, very long time. We just all happen to have kids that play together now.
Most of the women came to me one by one; some asking about the details of the demise of my marriage because they felt that they were in a similar situation (Ie. How did I know it was over?), some asking for a bit of hope as they were in the middle of fighting for their marriage, and one who told me something so beautiful and out of the blue that I felt compelled to write this.
She told me that she was getting a divorce after many, many years.
This is not the first time that divorce has been on the table for her, but this time it seems like it’s the real deal this time. She told me that she knew, as hard as everything was, (and I mean she is going through some things that nightmares are made of), she felt hopeful because she read my first blog and knew the details of what I had gone through. She knew that if I could do it...she could get through it.
“I saw your story and it made me feel hopeful, I am never going to give up and I know I can make it on my own”.
Never in my life has anyone said those words to me.
I was flattered and at the same time it was a violent call to self-reflection for myself. I looked back, as many of us do at the foothill of a new year, at all the things I had been through in the past few years and realized that I had undervalued and under- appreciated my own power of persistence, resilience and determination.
In 2011, my husband walked out on me very suddenly, but I kept going with my yoga/fitness business never the less. As I said in the initial blog, it was what kept me going and strong and healthy for my, at the time, 4 year old son. I built it up to a point where a random offer to purchase came in about 2 years ago and I/we took it. My ex was also my business partner at the time.
The sale dissolved my second to last partnership with him and took a lot of stress off both of us in the sense that it is pretty hard to dissolve a marriage and keep going as business partners.
The last bond will never be dissolved; our son. He is an amazing boy/budding man who is doing and will continue to do many amazing things. An athlete, a scholar and an overall good person.
His father and I are actually on very good terms, co-parent and split our time with him straight down the middle. He always bragged that we had “the perfect divorce”. We were civil and never got petty. We just both knew that whatever happened between us and our relationship, the most important thing was to stay level and positive for the sake of our son. It sure seems to be working.
This is not to toot my own horn or discredit actual nightmare break-ups, rather just a nod to the fact that regardless of what life throws at us, women are by nature; survivors, protectors, Goddesses and can turn lemons into the most delicious lemonade.
The conversation at the party then turned to my dating situation. What was it? Who was I seeing? Was I still online? “Give me a story, Carrie, because I have nothing going on here”.
Well, the story is that I got off Tinder a couple of weeks ago. The day they sent me a push notification around new years saying “Don’t change anything in 2018, over 3,000 people have liked your profile”, was the day I knew it was time for a change.
Let’s be clear- I didn’t MATCH with 3000 people, that was the number that I could have potentially matched with. You basically have to swipe left 30 times for one right.
The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results”. Why did I keep opening these messages and responding to ridiculous comments or requests? Maybe it’s the Canadian in me and I just didn’t want to be rude, but when a guy wrote to me “You are hot, but let’s be upfront about everything- I am 6 foot 2, brown hair, blue eyes, well built and 187 lbs...your turn...GO!” I was so freaked out! Did he want my bra size, too?! My blood type??
I had to take a Tinder break. If you know me, I am not a shy person and have no problem telling it like it is...but this was just rude. Um, sir, may I send you my headshot with my stats on the back instead? Oh, wait...I don’t have one. I forgot, I am not a mail order bride.
Then again, you actually have to pay for that service.
The actual problem with getting back into the online dating world, for me, anyway, are the issues that bubble up on the inside.
All those questions of “am I good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...”; they are real questions and SELF DOUBT bubbles up if you let it.
All the insecurities about why past relationship/s failed surface and it’s almost like a form of simultaneous therapy and torture.
For now, I am on a Tinder break. I just needed some time to date myself and fall in love with myself again instead of being so caught up with what EYEISDAONE thinks of me before even buying me a drink and having a face to face conversation. I know that women are strong.
I believe we just need to be strong together more often.
This party taught me that.
No matter how perfect someone can pull off appearing on the outside-they could be burning up on the inside. Be open to hearing their pain. The only way to get over it is to go through it sometimes.
I watched a movie last night where Rebel Wilson is trying to teach her new friend how to be single in NYC. The friend said she thought it would be more like Sex and the City on the single scene, and Rebel said the best line (and this is not a direct quote); the entire series was based on 4 single girls spending every single minute trying to find a boyfriend. It had nothing to do with being single and proud. It had to do with finding the next relationship, so they weren’t alone.
For now, I am just going to walk alone, and proud.
 Carrie Joyner | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Posts: https://www.franktalks.com/blog/bye-felipe https://www.franktalks.com/blog/seeing-ghosts-ghosting-and-online-dating http://www.franktalks.com/blog/swiping-right-on-tinder-jumping-in-to-online-dating https://www.franktalks.com/blog/the-power-of-the-yoga-community-and-the-drive-by-divorce |
why dating is harder for older women part 11
trigger warning
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
I have coached older men who want to follow older dating codes of behaviors, so these types of men do exist. They would follow the same older dating codes of conduct that some older woman want to follow, but the issue lies in that she often rejects him anyway based on other reasons.
These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:
Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months. Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.
Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.
Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.
William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.
See what I mean?
In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.
Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.
Some examples of older dating codes:
Demanding Monogamy Immediately
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment. Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex. Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.
non-monogamy guide book
Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move
If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality. Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.
That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.
Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out
Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady.
To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:
Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him. She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too! Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“
Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps. That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.
If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS: Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality! You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!
Frozen In Time
In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are.
Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,
there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.
This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.
If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.
Your role in the sexual attention paradigm is shifting from young women being on the receiving end of sexual attention, to older women now having to be on the projecting end of sexual attention.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen.
A man had to Work:
-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.
-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.
-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.
-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.
-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had. He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.
A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.
No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates. The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in. Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.
For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.
You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.
The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one.
It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.
from artist Ricky Whitney
It’s Not Fair!
Older women are right when they say life is not fair.
They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.
They are correct.
It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.
It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.
That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change.
Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.
Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.
People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.
The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.
It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.
The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.
The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery.
That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.
People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.
Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.
That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.
Reason # 9
Unreasonable Expectations
Not everyone is going to be into you just because you expect they should be. It is one thing if you believe in yourself and feel you have a lot to offer. That is good self-esteem. However, if you expect that everyone should recognize it, without you having to prove it, then we are crossing over into the realm of unreasonable expectations.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series
why dating is harder for older women part 10
trigger warning
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
The issue is not that older woman have baggage. Let’s be clear, we ALL have some baggage. As reported by my client base, the issue is that older women want to share, discuss, and disseminate all of their baggage early on while dating. This turns off many older men, who have baggage of their own and do not want to hear her baggage right away, until he decides if he wants to even date her again!
The 2 issues that I hear the most from older male clients with regards to dating older women are:
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
Issue # 1
Sometimes what an older woman really needs is to have a friend who will listen to her. In the absence of a friend, she attempts to date in order to seek out that kind of friendship. However, dating to find friendship does not work.
People do not go on dates to find friends.
They go on dates to find someone to be romantic with.
If you are an older woman who is not really interested in dating, but are using the guise of dating to find friendship for companionship, it is likely you are going to get rejected a lot. You will never get either a second date, or a friendship.
dating rules
Quality older men do not want women they have to rescue.
Dating is no time for a “woe-is-me” pity party. Dating is when you showcase what you have to offer as you explore what he has to offer to you.
Dating is not a time to recruit sympathy for how life has been so unfair to you.
from artist Ricky Whitney
If you need a friend to listen to you and comfort you, but you are not interested in having someone make a pass at you on a date, do not date! Start a support group instead.
At least you will find the support you seek without having to reject someone’s unwanted advances, or be rejected by someone who wanted more than just friendship.
Do not date if all you want is friendship.
If you seek an audience instead of a relationship;
start therapy, not dating.
I am not being mean. I am very serious in that I want you to heal. You need a competent therapist, not a new boyfriend.
If you carry your core hurt into every new relationship without healing that core hurt, it will surface and ruin your chances when you do finally date a great guy.
If you have found an older man who wants to be your therapist, most likely he suffers from “The Savior Complex”, which is a whole other topic and article for another time.
Issue # 2
Some older women come across angry, negative and very bitter. They are so bitter in fact that no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, their bitter personality will leave a bad taste in the scope of the older men who have dared to date them.
It does not matter why you are bitter. That is not the issue, nor is it a puzzle for the next older man you date to solve.
It is no man’s responsibility to teach you that all men are not the same. That's not his job.
Just like it is not your job as a woman to prove to him that not all women are the same. It is up to each individual to deal with his or her own preconceived notions.
Hint:
If you already believe that all men are the same,
those are the only men you will end up with.
When you do meet a man who is different, you simply will not have the faith required to see it through and give him a chance.
A quality older man doesn’t stick around too long if he has to convince you; because he does not have too.
He knows that it is not his job,
and he has too many other options
to be too preoccupied with convincing you.
An older woman should not take her bitterness out on an older man (or any man for that matter) that she is interested in dating.
Just like the way you do not want to have to pay the price for any mistakes other women have made against the older man you may be dating.
Every older woman who is drowning in bitterness has her reasons.
*Some are bitter from unmet, unreasonable expectations. For example: She resents that she does not get the same attention from men at her current age, that she used to get when she was in her 20s.
*Some are bitter because of the way they were treated by the men they was involved with in the past.
*Some women are bitter because despite their best efforts to take care of their health, their bodies are still breaking down.
*Some are bitter because they made some bad choices. For example: She left a good man to be with a new lover, and the new lover abandoned her shortly thereafter.
*Some are bitter because they have a lot to offer; yet they struggle to find a relationship partner and do not understand why they can’t. (This is one of the reasons that prompted me to put together this article).
You have a right to your own emotions.
If you are bitter about your life, own it.
Deal with it, and process it.
However, do not take it out on men.
Men are not the reason you are in the situation you are in.
It is not because “there are no good men” out there. There are great men out there. You probably have met them. They usually come in the form of men you have rejected and put into the “friend-zone”.
Remember those nice guys?
Guys who were “too nice”, to the point you weren’t attracted to them and rejected them?
If every guy you ever dated was a “jerk”, you have to address the common element in every relationship you have ever had: You.
You are the common element in every dating dilemma you have ever had. Until you make you better; you will not have your relationships with men get better. Be accountable for your choices, and stop bashing men because you are bitter about the way your life ended up.
In conversations about dating men, or in an actual conversation with a men while on a date, your bitterness can come through with how you interpret the way the conversation is going.
If he is sharing his preferences and interests of how he hopes a relationship will develop and play out with you, and your first reaction is to immediately say something very negative, it may be coming from a very real core hurt.
For example: He mentions that he has to travel for business a few times a year. Is your first thought:
A) He is insinuating that he wants a submissive housewife that never is allowed to leave the house.
Or
B) You will ask him more about where he likes to travel and what kind of vacation the two of you could take?
If you answered “A” you are reacting with your own baggage.
THAT is an example of YOUR BAGGAGE.
If you are nursing an emotional wound, but you also do want to have a new relationship in your life, it is best that you make every effort to heal your core hurt.
When your core hurt causes you to lash out negatively, it will shut you down from hearing what people are actually saying to you, and it will completely turn away older men who would have loved to have gotten closer to you.
Do not suppress your core hurt. Face it, process it, and heal it. If all you do is suppress it with “positive talk”, your core hurt will materialize in self-sabotaging and emotionally destructive behaviors that will actually make your personality unattractive, even to someone that originally liked you.
Quality older men interpret women who male bash as a red flag.
I cannot say it any more clear than that. Gender Bashing is a red flag that will cost you a great potential candidate.
Whether veiled in humor or not, male bashing is still gender hate.
Men know when they see it; male bashing jokes, anti-dating memes, and a disdain for the male gender. Do not kid yourselves ladies.
The men on your social media acknowledge it for what it is: a sign that even if you are attractive enough for sex, you are not “serious-relationship-candidacy”.
Maybe you feel justified in your anti-male rhetoric because of what men did to you in your past.
Real quality men will not be as sympathetic.
What they will want to know is how long you stayed with those men? How often did you choose to date jerks, while rejecting the nice guys that asked you out?
Quality men will not judge you for what men did to you in the past. They will judge you on how you coped with it, and how you left it behind.
contact a love coach right now
Quality older men know that you chose to date your ex, and stay with your ex. Older men know that men generally must approach women first and make the first moves with the risk of rejection.
It is the women who choose who they end up dating.
If you are bitter because you did not know you should have chosen the nice guys that you rejected, a quality older man is not going to want to hear you complain about it now.
Men are not the reason you are miserable
and have a miserable love life.
Your inability to chose better dating candidates did that.
Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
Women do not male bash
because they remain single.
They remain single because they male bash.
Quality older men want nothing to do with your bitterness. Quality older men do not want to have to rescue you from yourself.
Quality men want a quality woman that expects as much from herself as she does from him, and focuses on what she has to offer as much as what she wants from him.
To illustrate exactly how important this is, I want to share some of my work experience with you. I work as a coach for a high-end matchmaking agency. This means I coach, among other people, older men who are millionaires. These older men are very wealthy and are looking for a serious relationship. Here is where I tend to surprise older women:
The vast majority of older men, even the millionaires, would rather enter into relationships with women their own age than with women who are younger.
Believe it or not, I can tell you from my personal experience, that over 80% of these older men WANT to date older women.
However, they are often so disappointed with how older women behave on dates, that some of them just give up trying to date older women and instead only try to date younger women.
Do you hear me?
Wealthy older men want someone they can enjoy life with for the little time they have left alive. They face the reality of their mortality and know that they are on borrowed time. An older man does not want to stick around for an older woman who holds onto her misery. He has enough of his own baggage!
What he is looking for is more joy in his life.
what to talk about on a date
I had an older male client share this story with me
that illustrates this point:
Single Steve: Things were going really well with the older woman he was dating, until one night he started getting raging texts from her! Steve had no clue what she was texting about. She accused him of cheating on her, planning to hit her, and all kinds of negative things. Later, she wrote to Steve to say that she had “kind of just lost her cool that night and lashed out at him.” She texted to him that she was “sorry”. He told her to NEVER contact him again! He was not willing to be "some punching bag for her lousy past."
It is never a man’s job to heal you
from your past hurts.
You have to heal yourself.
It is only his job to build a future with you together.
It is an unreasonable expectation to expect a quality man to tolerate your inexcusable behaviors.
what to say on a first date
Heal first. Then find love next. Do not expect a man to create joy for you. You have to learn to find joy in your own life.
If you are seeking a man to save you, the only men you will attract are men that have as much, or even more, baggage than you do!
Consider this objectively: Reverse the genders.
Would you want to date an older man drowning in his own baggage that constantly belittles women, expresses misogynistic comments, and then passes them off as crude humor?
If you met an older man who thinks all women are evil, selfish, “take-what-you-can-get-and-then-dump-them”, wouldn’t your guard be up?
If the older man that asked you out, posts memes on his social media about everything that is wrong with women, and generalizes all women as “gold-diggers”, “sperm stealing”, and “paternity fraud con-artists”, based on how all of his ex-wives lied, cheated and stole from him, would you be jumping at the bait to date him?
Of course not!
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Challenging life experiences are highlighted in this contributed post.
You’d like to think that as we get older, things will get easier because we have the wisdom and experience of many years. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case, and there are a few things that are actually easier for younger people to get through than the older generation. Here are 4 of the hardest things you can experience later in life.
old age solutions
Injury
You’re probably aware that in your later years it will be harder to get over an injury because our bones, joints and skin are slower at healing than they used to be. Injuries not only affect us physically, but they can seriously affect us mentally. For example: if you were to have a car crash that you were able to walk away from in later life, it would affect you in the sense that you’d feel fragile for longer, and worried about venturing out into the world again. Whereas younger people are able to recover faster physically; therefore able to face their fears faster and not allow themselves to become secluded.
Divorce
A big part of your life that no one wants to experience, but unfortunately it happens to at least half of all American couples. Sometimes, divorce can happen much later in life when you both realise that you’re simply not in love anymore. Whether there is a bad and ugly break up or not, it’s still very emotionally draining to go through divorce mediation.
Younger people are more likely to bounce back from a divorce due to other commitments like work and children, so they are more distracted than say a 70 year old divorcee. Regardless of your age, make sure that you have as many loved ones around you as possible if you are going through a divorce.
Children
It’s not often heard of, but sometimes new couples where one or both of the partners is older can still conceive, regardless of whether they think they might have gone through menopause, or simply unable to have children anymore. Having a child at a later age can be a big strain on the relationship because of the worry of that child losing one or maybe even both of their parents early.
Having children is never a decision to be taken lightly, but younger people are often more accepting of the news, even if the child wasn’t planned.
Moving house
Moving house is also a massive deal for anyone. It’s completely uprooting your lives and it can be hard to come to terms with it, especially if you’re not keen on the move itself. Pensioners often find it difficult to leave their beloved homes as some of them have been living there their whole life. It can also be difficult if you’re moving to a retirement home.
Take these four things into consideration and make sure that if any of them happen to you, that you get the support you need to get through a difficult time.
You’re probably aware that in your later years it will be harder to get over an injury because our bones, joints and skin are slower at healing than they used to be. Injuries not only affect us physically, but they can seriously affect us mentally. For example: if you were to have a car crash that you were able to walk away from in later life, it would affect you in the sense that you’d feel fragile for longer, and worried about venturing out into the world again. Whereas younger people are able to recover faster physically; therefore able to face their fears faster and not allow themselves to become secluded.
Divorce
A big part of your life that no one wants to experience, but unfortunately it happens to at least half of all American couples. Sometimes, divorce can happen much later in life when you both realise that you’re simply not in love anymore. Whether there is a bad and ugly break up or not, it’s still very emotionally draining to go through divorce mediation.
Younger people are more likely to bounce back from a divorce due to other commitments like work and children, so they are more distracted than say a 70 year old divorcee. Regardless of your age, make sure that you have as many loved ones around you as possible if you are going through a divorce.
Children
It’s not often heard of, but sometimes new couples where one or both of the partners is older can still conceive, regardless of whether they think they might have gone through menopause, or simply unable to have children anymore. Having a child at a later age can be a big strain on the relationship because of the worry of that child losing one or maybe even both of their parents early.
Having children is never a decision to be taken lightly, but younger people are often more accepting of the news, even if the child wasn’t planned.
Moving house
Moving house is also a massive deal for anyone. It’s completely uprooting your lives and it can be hard to come to terms with it, especially if you’re not keen on the move itself. Pensioners often find it difficult to leave their beloved homes as some of them have been living there their whole life. It can also be difficult if you’re moving to a retirement home.
Take these four things into consideration and make sure that if any of them happen to you, that you get the support you need to get through a difficult time.
online dating break up
You can’t choose
what stays and what fades
- Florence and the Machine
Bye Felipe
by Carrie Joyner
I’ll be honest. The trouble with love is that when you jump in, even if its half hearted and just on a free online dating site... you are still putting yourself out there-all jokes aside, you really are.
There is your picture/s the yesses and the no’s, the snap judgements. the elation of a match (if it’s one you really wanted) and the devastation if it’s a match that you accidentally swiped right on cause you were just on a swiping tear and meant to swipe left (trust me, it feels bad ignoring those guys, it feels mean).
Then you just feel bad not answering back to some people you just realize there is no connection with. There is seeing your exes on there that you can’t swipe left fast enough on...and then you see someone that you are like...hmmm....maybe, wait...yes.
That right swipe meant a lot to me those days. (The right swipes were no longer just handed out for thrills...I just wanted it to be a good match.)
So, Felipe and I (not his real name) matched. We chatted for about a month, which is unheard of on Tinder, even though most of our chatting was done on text or email after the first 2 days.
by Carrie Joyner
I’ll be honest. The trouble with love is that when you jump in, even if its half hearted and just on a free online dating site... you are still putting yourself out there-all jokes aside, you really are.
There is your picture/s the yesses and the no’s, the snap judgements. the elation of a match (if it’s one you really wanted) and the devastation if it’s a match that you accidentally swiped right on cause you were just on a swiping tear and meant to swipe left (trust me, it feels bad ignoring those guys, it feels mean).
Then you just feel bad not answering back to some people you just realize there is no connection with. There is seeing your exes on there that you can’t swipe left fast enough on...and then you see someone that you are like...hmmm....maybe, wait...yes.
That right swipe meant a lot to me those days. (The right swipes were no longer just handed out for thrills...I just wanted it to be a good match.)
So, Felipe and I (not his real name) matched. We chatted for about a month, which is unheard of on Tinder, even though most of our chatting was done on text or email after the first 2 days.
first date tips
He and I both have kids and tight schedules, so I found a hole in my schedule and asked him to meet me an hour and a half before my friend was supposed to show up for dinner at a restaurant. He quickly accepted.
When I met him, he was waiting at the table on the terrace where we had agreed to meet... just as he had promised, tall, handsome and well, attractive. We sat down, had a drink together, a great
conversation....it seemed perfect.
Then my friend arrived, sat down, we all chatted politely together for a minute and soon he politely stepped away and said good bye. I hugged him inside and thanked him for a nice date- no kiss on the lips...he just wanted to know when we could see each other again.
Tuesday made sense at the time so we set the date on the spot.
Everything seemed to be going well, but when Tuesday rolled around and I had a huge presentation to prepare for the next morning, I thought he would be really upset if I cancelled.
Quite the opposite- and this is where the red flags should have started going off. “Whatever I needed would work”...”No pressure”.
I thought I met the perfect man, what a chill date.
Wrong.
When I met him, he was waiting at the table on the terrace where we had agreed to meet... just as he had promised, tall, handsome and well, attractive. We sat down, had a drink together, a great
conversation....it seemed perfect.
Then my friend arrived, sat down, we all chatted politely together for a minute and soon he politely stepped away and said good bye. I hugged him inside and thanked him for a nice date- no kiss on the lips...he just wanted to know when we could see each other again.
Tuesday made sense at the time so we set the date on the spot.
Everything seemed to be going well, but when Tuesday rolled around and I had a huge presentation to prepare for the next morning, I thought he would be really upset if I cancelled.
Quite the opposite- and this is where the red flags should have started going off. “Whatever I needed would work”...”No pressure”.
I thought I met the perfect man, what a chill date.
Wrong.
first date tips
Cut to us seeing each other for 5 weeks straight, I told him I got off Tinder (hint hint) and he just kind of swerves around that and asks when we are seeing each other again. (Red flag 2)
The last time we saw each other was probably the best time, so what came next was a bit of a shock. A private facebook message from a friend came in who asked if I was still dating Felipe. I said, no, I don’t think so seeing as I haven’t really heard much from him since the night my dog was dying/died a few days ago.
She said “oh, good”.
I asked why? Did she mean because his teeth weren’t perfect? (She was my friend who met me the night he and I first met the first time).
No! She said. He has been chatting/messaging one of her friends since a few days after he and I met. They are planning on meeting up soon.
WOW.
Now not to get into specifics, but when I tell a guy I got off a dating site, it’s because I consider us as dating/exclusive.
Clearly this was not the case here.
ethical non-monogamy
I get that dating on modern dating sites can be a grey area.
However, when you are with someone for over a month, should there not be a mention of the fact that you are just one of possibly many?
Then I started being thankful that he knew little/if nothing of my family, had never met my son...I had never met his family.
Sometimes, the lord works in mysterious ways.
This Thanks Giving, I know what I am grateful for.
Honest relationships, true friendships and family.
As for the rest....BYE, Felipe!
-Carrie Joyner
 Carrie Joyner | About The Author Carrie Joyner is a regular contributor to the FrankTalks.com/Blog To Read Her Last Post: http://www.franktalks.com/blog/swiping-right-on-tinder-jumping-in-to-online-dating |
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why dating is harder for older women part 9
trigger warning
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
And that is OK!
Believe it or not,
it is OK to be single
Some people are happier and better off when they are perpetually single. I am saying this as a Dating and Relationship Coach that some people do NOT need to be in a relationship or dating or having regular sex to be happy.
If that is the case, then why is this even a problem?
Why would being single for too long be a problem for older women?
It is only a problem if an older woman wants a serious relationship. Why? The longer a person (regardless of gender) remains single, the more challenging it is to adjust their thinking about adapting to being in a relationship again, when an opportunity finally happens.
To help me explain this, I want to share with you my experience coaching adult aged virgins.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
 adult male virgin handbook cover | |
One of the challenges they face is starting to THINK like a potential boyfriend. Seeking to be in a relationship may require a major shift in day-to-day thinking. A person who is single for a really long time, might not be open to ways of thinking that actually help in meeting people to date as well as enter into a relationship.
What does that mean?
It means, that getting into dating to seek out a relationship, especially after a very long absence (in this case, never having done it), requires a major shift in mindset.
It means being willing to disrupt your day-to-day lifestyle routine and factor in someone new into every decision you make.
Scary huh?
So an older woman faces similar challenges if she has been single for a long time.
No more being able to make a snap decision on a whim and taking a vacation at the drop of a hat. When you are in a relationship, there is someone else to consider. Someone else’s work schedule to check in with, someone else’s opinion to ask and someone else’s needs to compromise for. Really scary huh?
Wait! What if the person you are about to get serious with comes with family? Ready to bite your tongue when his parents occasionally cross the line? Ready to be a step-mom to his young kids? Ready to be a step-mom to his adult children? Ready to be step-granny to his grandchildren? Do you even like kids? Ready to give up lots of your time for weekly family dinners, graduations and birthday parties? Really-really scary huh?
Being single is not all bad. There are some good elements to it. You can come and go as you please, and you never have to factor anyone else into every decision you make. Things change when you include people in your life.
If you are not used to it,
finding yourself on the verge of a relationship
can be a very intimidating thing.
All of a sudden,
your entire way of life seems,
almost threatened,
even if the relationship
you are about to embark on is a potentially positive one.
When a person gets used to being single, it can sometimes become harder for that person to compromise. The very idea that she would have to change anything is almost unthinkable.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
That is why:
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
For example:
One of the biggest areas that single people need to be aware of that is going to keep them single, is how they cope with conflict.
How a person copes with conflict has a HUGE impact to a single person being able to transition into a
“romantic-relationship-capable-candidate”.
Some people, who have been single for a long time, are out of practice with managing intense emotions during conflicts with loved ones.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
Here are some additional examples
of some real older women clients
that I have coached.
They refused to act
like they wanted a relationship,
even though they actually did:
Single Sarah: She had gotten into the habit of spending the night at an ex’s house; not for sex, but for friendship. They remained good friends after their break up, and a couple of times a month she would go over to his place to talk, and after they would fall asleep in the same bed. Sometimes they were wearing PJs, but sometimes they were in less. When she started to see new partners, none of them stuck around when she was open about wanting to continue this friendly arrangement with her ex.
Single Shelly: She would let her male friends (mostly gay men) caress her breasts as a joke, and lick her neck during drinking games. It was “all in fun “she said, and “no big deal”. When dating, she would tell the man that she only wanted Monogamy, but that she had no intention of stopping her behaviors with her male friends, because “that’s the way it has always been” between her and her friends since college.
Single Samantha: She really liked her alone time. She had gotten into the habit of being alone on Saturdays, and using that day to catch up on all her errands. After, she would binge watch her new favorite television series. She liked her schedule kept as it was and did not want to replace her television night with a date night. Even if she was seeing a guy for a few weeks, Saturday was her “Me-Time”.
Single Stephanie: She hated cooking and cleaning, and she especially hated having to clean up after cooking. She had gotten into the habit of having her meals over the kitchen sink instead of a table because she felt that it was just more “efficient” that way. She resented cooking for her dates when she invited them over. As she was not used to sitting at a table for meals, she ended up so distracted by all the crumbs on the table and those that hit the floor during the dinner dates, that she could not focus on talking to her date.
Single Sophie: She was a very loyal, and dedicated friend to her female friends. Even when she was currently dating someone, she would still go out with her single female friends and act as the “wing woman”. She would flirt, dance, and accept drinks from the male friends of the men her girlfriends were trying to pick up. She “did not want to let her friends down” just because she was dating a new man in her life.
Single Sabrina: She has been living alone for years and loves sleeping in her big bed by herself. She is not used to rolling over and bumping into another sleeping body. She isn’t used to hearing another person breath (or snore!) while she is trying to sleep. Years ago, when she did have lovers stay the night, she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep, so started to ask her lovers to sleep on the couch after sex, so she could get sleep. After she got her pet, she would tell her lovers that they had to sleep on the couch because it was Foo-Foo’s spot to sleep next to her.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Single Sally: She values her privacy. She has friends and is socially active, but she keeps a lot of information about her life and personal preferences on a very limited “need-to-know” basis. When she is on a date and the man tries to get to know her through small talk, she sometimes gets defensive. She is not used to sharing information and that makes her feel vulnerable, even when the intent of the question is benign.
Single Sasha: She has gotten too comfortable. She hasn’t really dated in years, and enjoys only wearing comfortable, frumpy, casual clothing. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone. She doesn’t want to fix her hair, wear make up, or dress sexy. She ignores grooming tips normally associated with dating, and having a sexual relationship with a new partner. She would rather just be comfortable, and not have to try too hard.
Single Sandy: She loves a good party, and especially loves going out drinking with her girlfriends. The last time a man asked her out on a Saturday night, she told him that she might be too hung over to go out on Saturday night, because she would be out with her girlfriends on Friday. She’d let him know on if she was going to be available Saturday night. She will not change her social schedule to accommodate dating.
In all the above cases, the issue is that certain behaviors do not lend themselves to attracting quality partners. The behaviors themselves are not the issue. If you are single, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
If you remain inflexible,
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
This really shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. If you are out of habit of using any particular skill set, over time your skills will dull in that skill set. Being able to attract someone through communication and taking actions is a skills set. Being able to manage a relationship is a skill set.
Being able to behave in a way that caters to making a relationship work is a skill set. Like any skill set, if you do not employ them you lose them.
It is not like riding a bike where you let your muscle member take over. This is about how to relate to people, and how to calibrate and adjust to the person you are emotionally connected with.
This is why people who date a lot, will likely continue to date a lot.
People that are good in relationships will likely continue to end up in good relationships. People, who cannot attract another, will likely continue to be unable to attract another. People that have always been able to turn on the charm will likely continue to turn on the charm. As long as they keep their skills in practice, they will continue to get similar results.
It is not something that a person is born with.
It is a skill that can be learned.
Once learned it is necessary to repeat them over and over again until the behaviors become second nature.
Ambition and effort when not used decline because lack of use causes loss of that skill set.
The social skill set of being in a relationship can be lost if it remains unused for a lengthy period of time. That is why being single for a long time can be a major red flag in dating.
***************************************************************************************************
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
Why dating is harder for older women part 8
trigger warning
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Sometimes the reason
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!).
In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship!
Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want.
If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way.
If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it.
If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her.
Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.
learn to be charming
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries.
You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it.
Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval.
You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences.
If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you.
An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS.
Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life.
A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend.
A true friend is OK with this.
A true friend is OK with this.
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
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