   why dating is harder for older women part 7  trigger warning Reason # 4 Too Preoccupied with Chemistry Chemistry is important. Attraction is important. There is no disputing that. However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you? Is your emotional need for chemistry so important that it gets in the way of being fulfilled? Is it a way for you to escape having to be vulnerable in dating, and helps you hide behind your secret fear of intimacy? Only you can answer that for yourself. When that feeling of butterflies in your tummy becomes more important that how a man treats you, a woman is more likely to make regrettable choices when it comes to dating and relationships. Older women that I have coached sometimes make the mistake of confusing LUST with LOVE. Here is a perspective; think of instant chemistry as lust. Lust is a place some couples start, and sometimes it can grow into love over time, or sometimes if fizzles out. However, if you seek something other than lust at first sight, and learn how to create the feeling of lust with people that you do get along with better, perhaps that might be something that changes it for you. It does take work to ignite chemistry where there is none, but if it is worthwhile for you, then it is worth the work. In any relationship, after the “Honeymoon” phase is over, and the two of you get down to building a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your relationship, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Notice, I said friendship, not chemistry. Chemistry will not carry you through anything, other than maybe make you stick around in a bad situation until the next sexual encounter. Does the chemistry have to be instant, or do you take the time to explore creating chemistry? If chemistry has to be instant for you, and you are refusing to put in the time to let love develop, as an older woman, you could be doing yourself a great disservice. Love is something worthwhile. All things worthwhile require effort. That is part of what makes them worthwhile. Do not confuse getting attention with finding love. Getting attention can be easier, and finding love is not. One of the biggest struggles that older women have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with.  from artist Ricky Whitney  Coaching Workbook For Women In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their future, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts. When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship. The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for. What I refer to in my work as our “Internal Attraction Mechanism” can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience. Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli. For example: Remember that nice guy you rejected because you did not feel an attraction for him? Remember how things changed when you noticed that other women found him attractive enough to date and you started to get jealous? Remember how that is around the time you also noticed positive aspects of him that you never noticed because you rejected him too quickly before giving him a chance? That is one example of how chemistry can develop over time. For those people who have experience with mental illness, do you remember how you lost interest in anything sexual with anyone, least of all your partner at the time? It had nothing to do with the other person; it only had to do with what was going on within you. Again, chemistry is fleeting. It can be there, it can disappear, and it might appear when you least expect it. One thing if for sure: as fun as chemistry is, chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment, and it is not what you base the foundation of a successful long-term relationship on. On that note, if you are currently best friends with an older man, and that older man is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor; Say yes, and give it a chance. Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with any new partner. Allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving relationship allows for the foundation of your relationship to also have the benefit of long nourished roots. We all have our type. By “type” I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with. But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to, is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, a body type or even a particular scents like a cologne that draws us in with one whiff. Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the test of time. Just for the record; if you are an older woman that refuses to put in effort to date an older man because he was not your first choice (chemistry wise), but yet complain that older men are shallow for only dating good looking younger women, you must at least be willing to face that you are exhibiting the same level of shallowness that you are raging against. Lying to yourself will keep you single. Does this mean that the only way to have a successful long-term relationship is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in? No actually. However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest. There Are Couples In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted to, but is not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lust, for a happier and more stable life. (Remember when I talked about fun vs. fulfillment earlier in the article?) In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their main partner. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed. Finally, there are people who refuse to cheat and attempt to structure a consensual non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet, and work on having them met outside of the primary relationship. (This is currently estimated as roughly 21% of the population by two different studies).  Teaching The Rules of Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy However for the record, most people practicing consensual non-monogamy do so because they are simply not wired to be monogamous, regardless of how good or how bad their primary relationship is. Whether doing without, or structuring a consensual non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved. What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution. You may not control whom you are attracted to, but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction. It is simply a process of learning about yourself and how to manage your relational expectations. Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Desperate! If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known. When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives. Right. 
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   why dating is harder for older women part 6  trigger warning Reason # 3 Hypergamy Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women. Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date. It is called Hypergamy. Hypergamy: (aka “marrying up”) refers to someone (usually a woman) seeking to get involved with someone else of a higher social status than herself. What I see in my practice when coaching women, is that some women will prioritize certain traits, not because it reflects a particular value system she employs but because she seeks a man that has everything she already has, and wants the same or higher status. (e.g. If she has a summer home in Europe, she wants to find a man that already has a summer home in Europe or multiple homes more than she does.) I have coached women who want a man that has a particular degree, because she has that same degree. Some examples: *If she has a Bachelor’s degree, she seeks a man that has a bachelor’s degree or higher. *If she has a certificate from a community college, she wants the man she gets serious with, to also have a certificate from a community college or higher. *If she makes 250K a year, she seeks a man that makes as much as she does, or higher. This may seem like a reasonable idea, but in practice it is not. In essence, for women who give into Hypergamy, the higher the status they acquire, the less men there are that qualify as potential dating partners. For men, it is the opposite. The higher the status that men acquire, the more the bounty of acceptable potential partners increases, because men do not practice Hypergamy. Men generally do not require their potential partners to have the same resources or status as they do. For example: A millionaire male does not require that his lovers also be millionaires already. He focuses on what he wants out of dating and relationships (sex, being treated well, how she can fit into his lifestyle?) and seeks women out according to his needs. This is much in the same way an employer seeks out employees to fill particular roles in the company. They do not seek out employees who also own rival companies themselves. This is why men generally can date from a larger pool of candidates. A millionaire female practicing Hypergamy will only want to date a man who is as wealthy or wealthier than she is. (Which decreases the pool of potential candidates she can date). Here is the thing that I try to explain to women: Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
Try thinking of Hypergamy as a sense of entitlement. Hypergamy is why many high status women struggle to find a relationship. These women fail to realize that the men who can best support her high status lifestyle, are the men that have less status than she does. (That is what gives him the time to be in a supportive role). However, when she starts employing Hypergamy she effectively eliminates those men from the bounty of potential life partners. If she is an older woman, that means she is downsizing an already reduced pool of candidates. There may be “plenty of fish in the sea”, BUT... if the older fishing lady seeks a fish about the same age as she is, and if you factor in all the fish dying before she does, and only a smaller group of the remaining fish are going to bite at her bait, and she further engages unreasonable criteria in her Hypergamy to screen out fish that swim in lower levels than she is used to floating at, she might as well as be fishing in a bucket!  from artist Ricky Whitney My advice to older women who are letting their own Hypergamy get in the way, is to keep your Hypergamy in check. If you find that you simply cannot be attracted to a man who makes less money than you do, or has less education than you do, or anything else that has nothing to do with the kind of relationship partner he can be for you, then I would suggest that you complete a coaching program, or seek out therapy to work on the issues of your “Internal Attraction Mechanism”. Ask yourself: Are you using Hypergamy to reject men as an excuse to cover up your own fear of intimacy? (It has been known to happen). You cannot afford to waste your time on criteria that isn’t actually relevant to finding a serious relationship when you are an older woman. Reason # 4 Too Preoccupied with Chemistry Chemistry is important. Attraction is important. There is no disputing that. However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?     why dating is harder for older women part 5  trigger warning Reason # 2: The Third Factor ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women Reason # 2: The Third Factor The Third Factor: Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Some are homosexuals and would rather date men. Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION. These are the men that say they are not interested in having kids, but would be open to it. They do not actually want to get a younger woman pregnant, but dating a woman young enough that he can potentially get pregnant makes him feel that he has the option of having a child. In other cases, there are older men who are seeking relationships, and who have zero interest in having children (see my comments above regarding the vasectomy population), but who simply would rather date younger women. Sometimes it is just a matter of seeking out what he is more attracted too. Sometimes it is the fact that he has tried to date older and younger women, and he is just more compatible lifestyle-wise with a younger women (See my point later on in this article about older women carrying baggage). Before you get angry at older men for seeking out younger women, do keep in mind that in the end, women are the ones choosing who they end up dating just as much as the men, and there is no shortage of younger women that adore, pursue and only date older men. I kid you not when I tell you there is a large amount of younger women that actively seek out older men for relationships (usually in secret), not just because of some kind of attraction (although it can happen), but also in part because of the lifestyle an older man can often afford to shower her with, that a man her own age cannot. Just a word to all the older women who feel they lose older men to younger women. I want to make a very important point to you. An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER WILL ALWAYS WIN against a younger woman in getting a relationship with an older man who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman. Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship. You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article. For that matter, there are a number of younger men and older women who enjoy each other in the “hook up” culture as well. However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him. Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women. This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men. Are there relationships that work out between older women and younger men? Yes. Of course! I would love to hear from you in the comments to help older women feel some hope in this matter, because what I tend to hear in my practice is how older women feel a loss of hope in competing with younger women, for the attention of older men. Those successful relationships do exist. When those relationships do not work out, there are just as many reasons why it does not work out for couples of all ages. For the older men who DO seek a serious relationship with older women: I once had a debate with a colleague regarding: Why it seemed that there were more older men who got married after becoming a widower, and not as many older women getting married after becoming widows. She made the argument that men needed women more, and that is why older men married more often than older women in the same age group. What she did not factor in: Because older women outnumber older men, those men who are open to having a serious relationship with older women will have a much easier time finding someone faster, and settling down again faster. Older women who simply cannot find an older man, (even if they would rather be in a relationship with an older man), have to do without. It is not because men need women more than women need men. It has to do with basic supply and demand. The supplies of older men that seek relationships are not available to meet the demand of older women seeking older men for serious relationships. Older men that do want a serious relationship with an older woman have a buffet-style/pick-of-the-litter options. Reason # 3 Hypergamy Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women. Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.     why dating is harder for older women part 4  trigger warning Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women The Second Factor: Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk. This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women. Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken. However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again. Did You Know A Man On The 18 Year Plan? Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”. The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about. Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children. So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college). If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor. Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship. An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be. For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his. This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised! Here is another example: Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means? That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact. Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces. The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now. Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”. It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing. Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years). Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it). These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation). By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship. Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up. Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her. If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now. Reason # 2: The Third Factor The Third Factor: Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Some are homosexuals and would rather date men. Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.     why dating is harder for older women part 3  trigger warnings Reason # 2 ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive. Now let's consider the current social state of older men. Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article. The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex. The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be. The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Reason # 2: The First Factor The First Factor: The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny. It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men. Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite. You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does. What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be. Fun is NOT Fulfillment. It never was meant to be. For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it. Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying. A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free. See what I mean? Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex. Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins). Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex. Basically, from the time an older man is 65, for every 10 years that passes, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive. Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents? Here it is again: For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners. Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved. Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all. Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive. If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed? Reason # 2: The Second Factor The Second Factor: Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk. This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.     why dating is harder for older women part 2  trigger warning Reason # 1 ....Continued.... Reason # 1 There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available. The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture. Some believe it is because that by in large, the most dangerous occupations are still dominated by males. Jobs in the military, defence, police, fire fighters, sewer works, construction, and other professions that carry a high mortality rate tend to have more men than women working them. Even in a time when women and men are free to choose and compete for the same professions, men still make up the majority of workers in professions that have higher fatality rates. Others argue more social reasons such as men abuse their own bodies more and men take more risks (insurance premiums are usually higher for men and cite this as a reason). Also some men suffering challenges may feel shame for asking for help thus more men commit suicide instead of getting help for mental illness, or succumb to untreated illnesses of all types for lack of early detection. Then there are certain social attitudes of the lives of men being de-valued. For example, we can look at such notions of saving "women and children first" (the message is men are expendable), as well as family courts tend to assign custody to the mothers, and only visitation rights to the father (men matter less) instead of a straight across the board 50-50 shared custody. If the message of a society tells men that they just aren't as important, could that factor into the shorter lifespans for men? One of the best-documented sources of this phenomenon comes in the experience of the “Surplus Two Million Women” of Great Britain. In World War 1 (WWI), an entire generation of men went to war and never came back. (Men are expendable soldiers). This left "the Surplus Two Million" women (as they came to be known) with the challenging odds of ever getting into a serious relationship with a man. Statistically, even if every remaining young single man and young single women were paired up after the war, only 1 out of every 10 women would end up married (in a serious relationship) and have children. This is what happened when nearly 750 000 British soldiers died in WWI, and almost as many soldiers were left incapacitated. At the time (early 1900s), single parenthood was not a societal accepted option, nor was having sex outside of marriage. Thus heartbreakingly, many of those young women in there 20s, faced a life of loneliness and spinsterhood, and some even entered forbidden secret lesbian relationships for companionship. Then there are some studies that are simply looking at genetics as the culprit. These studies suggest that the differences between male and female chromosomes may influence how the genders age differently. If this is the case, then basically it indicates that by virtue of being born male, the male children are all destined to die before all the female children born the same day (assuming there are no birth anomalies or life ending accidents over the course of a given lifespan). Depending on the studies presented, it is estimated that women can be expected to live anywhere from 3 yrs. to 7 yrs. longer. More recent statistics show that it is now closer to 5 years. Now, let's add to that statistic, that the median age difference between men and women that get into serious relationships is that the men are two years older than the women. That is the median age gap. Which means that because women tend to marry/get into serious relationships with men that are at least 2 yrs. older (or more), and that women outlive men of the same age, it stands to reason that more women than men will end up single again due to widowhood. Simply put, if you are an older woman and you are looking to have a serious relationship with a man close to your own age, or older, there simply are just less men for you to choose from. The older you get, the less supply is available to reach your demand. Here are some stats from the Canada 2016 census, and an Organizational Behavior in Health Care textbook just as an example for discussion: General population averages see 97 men for every 100 women overall. However: AGE: Under 25: 105 men for every 100 women Furthermore men die before women do which leads to: AGES: 25-54: 99 men for every 100 women AGES: 55-64: 92 men for every 100 women AGES: 65-85: 70 men for every 100 women AGES: 85-99: 54 men for every 100 women Another stat from 2003 says: AGES: 85+: 41 men for every 100 women AGES: 99+: 19 men for every 100 women Here are some other stats from the “2002 Journal of Women’s Health” regarding seniors and age gaps: AGES: 65-74: 79 men for every 100 women AGES: 75-84: 67 men for every 100 women AGES: 85+: 46 men for every 100 women Among the population of nursing home residents, the gender ratios are even more dramatic: AGES: 65-74: 75 men for every 100 women AGES: 75-84: 41 men for every 100 women AGES: 85+: 24 men for every 100 women The numbers will fluctuate slightly from consensus, surveys and studies, but the message is consistent. The older a population, the less men that are available. To really understand the significance, the number of men includes those men that are still married/unavailable for dating women, men who are not interested in women, and men with health problems that may prevent them from being able to be in a loving relationship. Let’s do a calculation using an older male demographic: There are 75 men for every 100 women. Of those 75 men, we eliminate all those men who are already involved with someone, men who are too ill to be in a relationship, and men that are just not interested in being in a relationship with women. So now, while there are technically 75 men for every 100 women, there aren’t 75 emotionally available men who are eligible for these women to even date. Now, let’s get to the next reason. Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive. Now let's consider the current social state of older men.   why dating is harder for older women part 1 Trigger Warning I am placing a warning at the head of this article. This 50 page/25K word article covers and contains: -Discussion on the effects of war, divorce, and social issues on a dating population -Examples of gender roles, ageism and attraction -Quoting statistics that some audiences may find disturbing -Examples of victimization that some audiences may find disturbing -Calling out behaviors that singles commit that correlate to remaining single -Discussions on sex, sexually transmitted infections and consensual non-monogamy -Human mortality and death -Social norms that are no longer considered appropriate -Chemistry, boundaries, compatibility, compromise and settling Why Dating is Harder For Older Women By Frank Kermit Introduction Recently I was at an art gallery. It was one of the few public appearances I make. At the event, I happen to run into a couple of fans of my work giving dating advice live on AM radio. These fans happen to be older women, and as the conversation progressed, they had asked for some of my thoughts about the dating challenges for older women. I promised them that I would at some point release an article about how and why dating is challenging for older women. I had already planned to produce such an article (it was on a very long list of topics I intend to cover in the future), but that conversation moved this article topic to the top of the list. A question I am often asked by older women in the dating world is: "Where are all the good men?" Older women who are frustrated with how their love lives are virtually non-existent, are still seeking to find men to get into a relationship with, yet do not seem to be able to find men who are good enough. The truth is, there are good men out there, but as a woman gets older, she faces new challenges in dating that she never had to contend with when she was younger. In response to helping older women understand what their dating challenges are, and provide them with a solution to coping with those challenges, I have prepared this article. I want to make it clear, that this article is not for older women who just want sex. Women, regardless of age, who simply want a sexually abundant lifestyle and live out all their sexual fantasies within the existing "hook-up" culture of anonymous casual sex have little to no problem attracting sexual attention. These women may not get the sexual attention they want from a particular subgroup of men they want, but women in general tend to have more options for random commitment-free sex than they may be aware of. That is why this article was written for older women seeking out a serious relationship with men close to her own age. Please keep this in mind as you go forward into this article. When I started writing this article, the goal was to write an article of about 500 words, and it was intended for women who were 65+ years old. The more I wrote, and the more I researched, and the more I explored this topic, I found that this topic needed a great deal of coverage more than 500 words would allow for. I also found that women under 65 were having many of the same issues and challenges as women over 65. In fact, as I dug deeper, I can say with certain conviction that some of the women clients I have coached as young as 34 have experienced (see Reason#2 for more details), struggled with and unknowingly may have made some of the same errors as women over 65 make, without having to suffer the other real obstacles to dating that older women face. It is in my sincere hope that this article sheds some light on a subject that I think does not get enough attention, and that in writing this article, I can at least bring some awareness to the issues involved and provide some insights and understandings towards some solutions. This article is approximately 25K words (about 50+ pages) long, and in truth, I still feel that I have only scratched the surface. I hope though that you the reader will find it a good start on your journey to be the older woman that finds connection at the end of your quest for love. Reason # 1 There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.   Seeing Ghosts: Ghosting and Online Dating Seeing Ghosts (the online Houdini’s are everywhere on Tinder) By Carrie Joyner The first time I heard the expression “ghosting” was when I was driving in the car, listening to a celebrity report on the radio about a famous couple where they said “rumors are that so and so has just been ghosted by so and so”. I remember thinking to myself “what the hell does that mean?” After a quick Urban Dictionary search (my go-to site for finding out what things like BBW, FWB and BBG mean and the likes), here is what I found: Top Definition Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels. Example: Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle? Beth: I thought it went well, but I've texted him a couple of times since then and he's been ghosting me. Carmen: What? I thought he was more mature than that. #ignore #ignoring #igging #avoid #avoiding #ghosting #ghost I feel you, Beth. When it comes to the wonderful world of Tinder, there are certain things that you just can’t explain and really leave you scratching your head in the “ WTH just happened there?” kind of way. I am talking about conversations, however long or short, where the person just drops off the face of the Tinderverse. Their profiles are still active, sometimes they don’t even bother unmatching you- they just don’t want to communicate anymore. If the definition really means actually going on a date with someone and then just never hearing from them again, this applies to me, as well. The first 3 in-person Tinder dates seemed to go really well. They were sexy men, could hold a conversation, there seemed to be chemistry...but at the end of each of those dates came a request to come back to my place. Not really my style, so I would playfully decline and then POOF. They were gone. One of them went to the bathroom after the bill was paid and didn’t even bother to say goodbye. He texted me right after saying he thought I had left, so he left. Who does that? Then he asked to see me again, I said sure (he was a 10 hot)... giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then he “ghosted”. Why go to the trouble of asking for a second date if there was never any intention on actually setting one up? Trying to navigate the online dating (or arguably- the online hook up) world is at times confusing, tedious and well, to be brutally honest, hurtful. There must be some sort of Tinder behavior code, memo or manual that I never got to read. I can’t tell you how many hot guys I have matched with who a.) never bothered to say anything, or b.) say something super basic and then once they get a reply ...ghost. My favorite one was a guy who asked to connect on messenger, asked me if I wanted to go over to his place for wine and a massage, asked me for a full body pic, and when I said he could just go check on Facebook, he said “the fact that you won’t send me one proves my point”. I responded “the fact that you want our first date to be at your place, involve being naked contingent on seeing my full body pic, proves mine!” At least after I said “Good luck and BYE!” I got a reply...it was this: “CYA”. Perfect. That is not a ghost, just a jerk. The light at the end of my tunnel (no pun intended) is that for the past few weeks I have been seeing and really falling for a Tinder dude. He was walking up to my place yesterday and I actually got butterflies for the first time in a long time. We will see where it goes, but I am hoping he doesn’t one day just turn into a ghost, too. -Carrie Joyner
 Why I will be single for the rest of my life Why I Will Be Single For the Rest of my Life Even Though it is Not my Choice by Jackie Blue It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age. Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah. I’ve experienced this myself. People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me. Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship. So what have I done in the past year since I became single? I suffered in silence. I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many. Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than being single. My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam". He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him? The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later. We ended our relationship. Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age. Also, at that time last year, I met Scott through a social media site. A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night. He became night friend. He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him. We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life. We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did was a sign —that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once. He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me. Even my ex, Sam noticed it. Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships. He introduced me to his parents as well as his oldest friends from university days. Then I stupidly told him I had feelings for him. He said he was only interested in me as a friend though his behavior proved otherwise at times. I now understand that Scott entering my life was nothing more than a cruel joke. For people like me, hope is a cruel thing. The man who possessed everything I always wanted in a man walks into my life only to walk out without a truthful explanation. I had spent lots of money on dating sites only to have no results. I know I am going to have to settle for less once again if I expect to be in a relationship, but no one was interested. The smallest of bites were very short lived. None of them were my type, but again, would’ve settled. I was given the schpiel by most of them: They were looking for someone more: *athletic, *younger, *someone with money who could afford to travel the world and partake in expensive sports and hobbies with him. I was told I had the “wrong look” for them. Also, the absence of a career turned them off. I am on disability benefits thanks to a group insurance from my last job. I can no longer work due to my health. Nonetheless, I was treated as if I was a welfare recipient which is frowned upon in the dating world. Particularly if you are looking for someone with beyond a high school education. I did not renew my subscriptions to those sites. I had purchased ebooks which confirmed what I knew—finding a suitable mate while being an older woman is problematic. Someone suggested meet-up groups for singles, but there were a few issues finding a group with people my age. And the ones that existed all took cruises and trips to Mexico together. They frequent very expensive restaurants and bars. On a fixed income, this is not possible for me. Besides, I do not function well in groups. I tend to feel lost and/ or like I am suffocating and I either end up zoning out or having crippling panic attacks. I am only able to function on a one to one situation. I am not even going to try to pretend anymore. Again, why would I twist myself into knots simply to get 2nd or 3rd choice to even look at me? Why would I go through the insults from men, who are not my 1st choice, telling me I don’t have the right look or style? I also remember talking to men in my age group and a bit older about that whole dating scene. Mainly, I wanted to know why they were searching for women much younger than themselves? More often, why women young enough to be their daughters? They basically told me that older women carry too much baggage and it was not fun for them. Too many chips and cracks, some had told me. I had joined a Facebook group where people commiserated over bad experiences with dating sites and our frustration with them. Many of the women in this group were in my age bracket and many of whom, single for over 20 years. That was and still is very frightening to me. There really isn’t someone for everyone. But then, I should’ve known that was a mathematical impossibility. Women outnumber men. As time goes on, the loneliness gets more painful. In that Facebook group, I had initiated a conversation thinking I must move out of the city I live in in order to find a partner. As much as I love living in the city, I knew that only rural men showed interest in me. Never city men. I was chastised for that saying I should learn to be a strong woman. That is cold comfort to me. A painful realization came. I will never ever find another Scott. I would have to settle for whatever I can get yet again. However, I can’t seem to find anyone who would even be remotely interested. Dating is worse than a job interview. Come to think of it, I’ve had more fun at job interviews—with very bad interviewers. So much effort just to settle. Looking for a relationship has become synonymous with applying for a bank loan or looking for a job. You only get a loan when you prove to the loan officer you don’t really need it. You only get a job when you don’t really need one. I’ve stopped looking as a result and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever just like those women on my facebook group. I had also come to the realization, why must I work so hard on my image just for a man I know I am simply settling for? It is exhausting trying to impress one who would be a second or even third choice. I won’t even find anyone who measures up to Sam. There will never be another Scott. Why bother? I have also come to the realization that sometimes we must pay for a mistake we made for the rest of our lives. Separating from Sam is one such mistake I made. Sometimes there is no second chance. What I will not do, however, is pretend that this is fun. Not anymore. Frankly, I am tired of being penalized for things beyond my control. Things like finances, poor health, not the ideal appearance as dictated by society as a whole. Not having a career. Being over 30. Exactly the opposite of what men are looking for today in any age bracket. One only has to look to profiles on dating sites to know this. Scott and I still talk on and off, but we have not visited each other in the last four months. Oh one can say long distance relationships don’t work but he knew I was willing to relocate. My mother and other friends just live an hour away from him. As for him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that theory is blown out of the water. He is looking to date others now. It’s only matter of time he will find somebody to live happily ever after with, especially now that he has lost a significant amount of weight. Given he’s been single for a year and a half now, and he’s lost all that weight, it will likely be sooner rather than later before he finds somebody. The lesson here is, especially late in life, if you’re in a relationship or married, even if the relationship is mediocre, if there are no issues of addiction and/ or violence, do all to hold it together anyway. Even if he/she cheats on you, stick around. If someone drops into your life with uncanny timing, even if he/she appears to be your ideal mate, run as fast and as far as possible away from him/her. It’s just a test of your resolve to keep a long term relationship and/or marriage together. Please learn from my mistake. -Jackie Blue
 sign up for coaching for closure  Swiping Right On Tinder: Online Dating Swiping Right by Carrie Joyner I always figured the next love of my life would happen organically. After 2 years of taking a break from the soul sucking world of online dating, I decided to jump back in because the old fashioned way of meeting men just wasn’t happening. Not the right ones, anyhow. The romantic notion of meeting Mr. Right in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store went out the window a long time ago since Steve Jobs put iphones in 90% of the populations hands. Human interaction is scarce these days. Eye contact is nothing short of a miracle. People would rather Snap Chat themselves with cartoon eyes and dog noses. -I don’t get it. -I don’t want to get it. I didn’t go hungry the past two years, don’t get me wrong. I just needed to kick start the process and increase the odds of landing a dream partner before I start thinking about getting a few cats and spending every night binge watching Million Dollar Listing and fantasizing about a career in high profit real estate. Putting yourself out there lends to some pretty deep self-analysis by being part of that online, fast food style relationship world. Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there…but you have to cut through a lot of weeds to find a good one. With my iphone machete in hand, I began hacking away. Vessel of choice: Tinder  Sign Up For Frank Coaching Jumping Back Into Dating I am tired of paying for the chance to meet someone who could ultimately end up wasting years of my life. I spent the better part of 2 years in 3 useless relationships because of that. Recently divorced and feeling the clock ticking in the last few years of my 30’s, I dropped the bar…forget raising it…and settled with three different men for the sake of being in a relationship. Mild levels of attraction led to a lot of time being complacent, at times anxiety-inducing and ultimately unfulfilling relationships. One was crazy, one was a jerk and one was just too nice.
I just signed up two weeks ago, so about 50 matches later, 4 disappointing actual dates, I am taking a deep breath and getting ready for week three. The latest date was probably the strangest. A hot pilot who had been texting with me for about 24 hours before I found a hole in my schedule and asked him if he was free. He was, we set up a time and place to meet for a drink. He arrived 30 minutes late because he was stuck in traffic and took about ten minutes to establish consistent eye contact with me. This is where all that self analysis kicks in. The reality is that I am sitting in front of a total stranger.  Discover The New Rules Of Dating I don’t know if he has issues. I don’t know his back story or what really happened in his last relationships, or how hurt he had been in the past. The questions float around my head incessantly. -Is he not focusing because he is nervous? -Am I too good looking for him? -Am I not good looking enough? I finally hooked him in a topic that he was semi-passionate about and I had my eye contact at last. He didn’t want to leave, but I have to cut these things short unless there are fireworks. Plus, my dog needed a walk. He texted me after to make sure I got home safely, which was thoughtful. He asked if he could see me again and I said yes, because maybe that first encounter was just scratching the surface. I haven’t heard back from him all weekend and I am not going to reach out first …I am old school like that. Online dating is not how I imagined meeting my next boyfriend and hopefully husband, but it is the easiest way to start connecting to total strangers, some with good intentions, others not so much. It takes time, energy, thick skin and courage of steel to not cancel dates that seem like a good idea while couch surfing with chardonnay. Total exposure. But I guess you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, so let the games begin! -Carrie Joyner
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