Reason # 2 ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article.
The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex.
The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be.
The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Reason # 2: The First Factor
The First Factor:
The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny.
It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men.
Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite.
You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
Fun is NOT Fulfillment.
It never was meant to be.
For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it.
Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying.
A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free.
See what I mean?
Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex.
Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins).
Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex.
Basically, from the time
an older man is 65,
for every 10 years that passes,
he has only about a 50% chance
of still being alive.
Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Reason # 2: The Second Factor
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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