Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken.
However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again.
Did You Know A Man
On The 18 Year Plan?
Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”.
The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about.
Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children.
So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college).
If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor.
Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship.
An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be.
For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his.
This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised!
Here is another example:
Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means?
That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact.
Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces.
The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase.
If you want to attract
a quality man in the future,
act like a quality lady right now.
Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”.
It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing.
Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years).
Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it).
These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation).
By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship.
Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up.
Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her.
If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now.
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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