The end of a relationship can make you feel like you're out of control. Even if you're the one to initiate it, ending a relationship means that a lot of things in your life can change. You might make the decision to end the relationship, but a lot of other changes can come along with it that you don't necessarily want to plan for.
You can take control at the end of a relationship, whether you initiate it, your partner does, or it's a mutual breakup. By taking a proactive and pragmatic approach, you can plan to come out stronger. That doesn't mean you have to shut away your feelings or pretend it's not affecting you. In fact, it can make it easier to face your emotions, as well as some of the practical changes. Here's how you can be proactive when your relationship is ending.
Make a Plan
You can feel pretty unmoored when your relationship ends. You're used to your life being a certain way and now it's going to change. The first thing you can do to try and get control and minimize the impact of your breakup is make a plan. There are several things you might need to plan to help yourself prepare. If you're leaving together, what happens next? Is one of you moving out and if so, who? If you're moving out, where will you go? If your ex is moving out, how will you cover the bills? Thinking about practical issues like this will help you to get ready.
Book Some Therapy Sessions
Even if you're taking a practical and proactive approach to handling a breakup or divorce, you don't have to ignore your feelings. Pushing away your emotions isn't going to help you in the long run and it will most likely all come back to bite you eventually. If you want to be really proactive, consider booking some therapy sessions to help you process everything. It will give you space to talk about how you're feeling and what to do next. You might even find that seeing a therapist is useful for other things too and decide to continue.
Get Your Legal Ducks in a Row
The end of a relationship can mean dealing with legal matters, even if you're not married. If you are married, you might need to start looking for a divorce attorney to help you with the process. Not every divorce requires lawyers, but they are definitely helpful if you and your spouse can't agree on the terms of the divorce. If you're not married, you could still have legal issues surrounding child custody, shared property, or other matters that come with entangling your life with someone else's.
Create a New Routine
One of the most noticeable things about the end of a relationship is how your routine changes. Suddenly, someone who has been in your life is no longer there. Many things can change, from where you live to what your bedtime routine is like. Creating a new routine for yourself can help you to get back into the swing of things if you feel like you've been thrown off-kilter. You might need to find new ways to fill your evenings or build a routine that works better for you as a single person.
Spend Time with Yourself
Learning to be alone again can be tough if you've been in a relationship for a long time or you're a serial monogamist. Some people aren't used to being single and can struggle to be on their own. But instead of jumping straight into another relationship, it's a good idea to spend time with yourself. When you have some alone time or even allow yourself to be with friends and family more instead of looking for a new relationship, you can learn new things about yourself. You can get comfortable with being single so, even if you want a new relationship, you don't feel like you need one.
Learn from Your Mistakes
The end of a relationship can give you the chance to look forward to a better future. One of the things you can do is try to learn from your past mistakes before you start a new relationship. What were the things that went wrong? What did you always regret or wish was different? Avoiding the same mistakes could help you to find a relationship that's better than your last one.
It can take time to process the end of a relationship, but taking action as soon as you can is a good way to come out of it a stronger person.
Change your perspective after a breakup. Continue reading to learn 3 tips which can help you think towards your future.
In the immediate aftermath it's pretty hard to consider bouncing back. Add this to the fact that all breakups are different and that people process them in different ways, and it can be pretty tough to find the right bounce back tips. The key is to try and apply advice around your breakup to yourself in a way you know they’ll work. Be thoughtful and try to reimagine them. No one knows you like yourself. These tips can give you something to think about and can at least help change your perspective into one of a recovery mindset. Better to be considering new tips than worrying.
One of the issues with breakups is that the brain starts thinking about the past and not the future. It dwells on happy times from before while the future remains clouded and unclear. To some, there may not even be a future. Imagine your next partner. The perfect person. It might be Courtney Tailor, or maybe a dream partner you’ve long had in your head. What’s next for you? What could happen if you put the effort into moving and feeling better. They do say that time is the biggest healer, but you can beat that. Get ahead of it by thinking ahead. What are you going to do next and how can you make it happen for you? It’s one of the best ways to push away the past.
Tire Yourself Out
At least for the first week or two after the breakup. Humans tend to do a lot of their overthinking at night, before they get to sleep. It can stop people sleeping and the tiredness may seep into your dayjob. You can stop this by tiring yourself out in the day so that you feel properly tired by the time you go to sleep. There are different ways to approach this. One is by exercising vigorously. This isn’t always easy, especially if you have to fit it around a schedule that’s already quite involved. You can also try to do this by exhausting your mind. Reading is great. If you find yourself unable to sleep, grab a book and get stuck in. Doing so will occupy your mind with whatever you’re reading instead of dwelling on the past. It will tire your eyes out and help you sleep. Always better than worrying for an age before finally falling asleep at first light.
Focus On A Project
For some, focusing on the breakup and trying to get over it doesn’t always work. Instead, you need to think about something else entirely. It’s why it might be good to push into a project. This isn’t something in work, but something you enjoy doing. Maybe you’re looking at marketing your side hustle. Or perhaps you want to spend time writing. What do you enjoy? What can you put your time to that really requires brain power so that you’re not thinking about anything else? Again, only you will know what works here. If you find something which really occupies your mind everything will be a bit easier.
Going through a divorce? Taking care of your mental health is so important right now. Here are 5 apps that can help support you through a divorce.
Going through a divorce can be an incredibly tough time, you’ll likely be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions right now, and needing some support. It’s important to have a good support network of friends and family during this time, besides this, it can be helpful to have a few support tools. The following self-care apps are all perfect to improve mental health.
1 . MoodKit
This self-care application uses CBT therapy techniques, to support users with their mental health. The app provides hundreds of different activities, all especially designed to boost your mood. The app was created by psychologists, it’s useful to improve mental health, and rewrite negative thought patterns. The app also has a journal, which you can use to reflect on your goals. When you take the time to improve your self-care routine, you’ll experience many positive changes, and start to feel better.
Grateful is an app that was created to help users express gratitude and reflect. Studies suggest that expressing more gratitude is linked to reducing depression and making people feel happier. The app offers a prompt to help you express gratitude and reflect on the positive things in your life. Using the journal you can add photographs, or write longer entries if you wish. Experiencing a divorce can be an incredibly tough time, but it’s important to focus on the good things you have in your life, to get you through this difficult time.
3. Pocket Coach
The Pocket Coach app uses a type of therapy called ‘Acceptance and Commitment Therapy’, along with CBT and mindfulness exercises. The application was created to be a digital coach, for people experiencing stressful times. The app offers various lessons, and exercises, to help people through difficult moments. Pocket Coach provides plenty of content, including mindfulness techniques, psychology knowledge, and more.
4. Ten Percent Happier
This application won an award for best app, back in 2018, it was designed to help people focus on the positives, and increase their levels of happiness. With the ten percent happier app, there are over 500 meditations, themed on all different topics. As well as the meditations, there’s a sleep themed section, which supports people who experience insomnia. Ten Percent Happier also provides plenty of advice on mindfulness and inspirational stories.
Meditopia offers an extensive library, with plenty of unique mediations. One of the best things about the app is that Meditopia offers many different themes, whether it’s sexuality, loneliness, anxiety, and relationships. The application was created to help those who are looking to build mental resilience, reach their goals, and heal. There are plenty of advantages to a meditation practice, including improved mental health, and a deeper connection between the body and mind. Meditation is a great way to cope after a breakup.
When you’re going through a divorce, it’s important to choose the right Divorce Law Firm, to ensure that the process runs smoothly. There’s plenty to think about, from custody arrangements (if you have kids) to separating your financial assets.
Read some coping strategies that may help you after a breakup.
Moving on after a heartbreak is difficult when you’re still surrounded by everything that reminds you of shared memories with a former lover. It can be especially hard if you’ve lived with them for a long time. You may find yourself unable to continue with your life after the heartbreak. In this case, changing your environment may be the solution you need to get back on your feet.
Removing the physical ties that still connect you to your past is a good first step to moving on. If you can afford to do so, go on and start planning a redecorating project. But something simple like getting rid of tangible remnants of a past love can substantially help you take that first crucial step to healing.
If you have just broken up, purging the things they owned or once shared with you may not be very easy to do. You may be tempted to keep some of them, and that is totally acceptable if you are not willing to do just yet.
But you can let go gradually by keeping them in boxes and storing them out of sight. This way, you don’t have to mistakenly throw some memorabilia that you may want to keep once you are ready.
Clean Up, Clean Out
You don’t have to pressure yourself to throw out something you know you already should. You may decide to hide it for a time. But ultimately getting rid of these items will be most helpful in your way to moving on.
If you find yourself needing to get rid of a bunch of stuff that are still useful, you can donate them or put them on sale. You can always hold a garage sale where you can include a bunch of your other stuff, or you can sell them online.
Selling them online would be a smart move especially if you’re holding a prized collectible or item.
Give Them a New Look!
Throwing out a bed or a couch is mighty expensive. It’s understandable that, even if you’d want to do so, you may not be able to for the meantime. In this case, it would be more practical to look for more creative ways to dress up the space around it, move it around, or just give it a new look!
For example, you can choose to buy new beddings or sofa covers. You can try putting up tapestries behind the couch or buying a new set of extra punchy pillows.
To freshen up the mood, you can always add a new layer of paint or hang a funny artwork! It all depends on your creativity. Go bold, and have fun reclaiming your space.
Formally Say Goodbye
Not necessarily to them. But you can hold a small personal goodbye ritual for yourself. Saying goodbye is a way of acknowledging that the relationship has ended, that you did what you could, and that it is time to move forward with your life.
There’s no one way to say goodbye. Some consider purging out shared objects as ritual enough. Others burn pictures. Some may not even see a point in it at all. But many others find their own rituals helpful, and if you have not tried it before, this may work for you as well.
It’s easy to lose yourself after a breakup. The ending may have made you feel inadequate and unwanted. This can cause a spiral of negative feelings toward yourself. However, there’s no better time for self-love than when you’re feeling down.
So make a point to go to the spa, get your hair done, relax and unwind for a day, or go on a trip out of town. Spending time with yourself to process what has recently transpired in your life can help you internalize the lessons learned from these events and accept it for what it is.
Read 5 ways that can help you move forward after a breakup.
Going through a break up will never be easy, especially if this is your first. It is completely normal to feel isolated and lonely when your relationship ends, but it will soon pass. You might have done everything in your control to improve your relationship from a marriage counselor to a different living situation; sometimes you have to accept that things have come to an end. If you’re struggling to see past your break up right now, here are a few ways in which you can combat loneliness and feel like yourself again.
Keep Yourself Busy
The best thing to do after a break up is keep your mind off the situation. Obviously, you shouldn’t ignore all of the negative emotions you’re feeling; allow yourself to be upset for a short while if it helps. However, you should never wallow in your own self pity for too long, otherwise it will escalate into something even worse. Keep yourself busy with a chatlines page, go out to lunch with a friend or find another fun activity that you know you will enjoy.
Don’t Make Contact
No matter how tempted you are, you should never make contact with the person you’ve broken up with. This can come across as pretty desperate and you don’t want to be in that position. Even if you really miss communicating with them, it will help you to cold turkey rather than teasing yourself with messages that will never benefit you.
Dive into a New Hobby
Now is the perfect time to dive into a brand new hobby and find something you truly enjoy doing. You don’t have to choose anything outrageous, but think carefully about what you’ve always wanted to do. Whether you want to take an art class or go salsa dancing, use all of your free time to pursue something fulfilling!
Refocus Your Energy
Steer your focus away from your ex and use your energy for something else. Start a new exercise regime or get outside in the fresh air once a day. Find a way to energize yourself and you will instantly feel better.
Focus on the Positives
Even when your whole life feels like it’s falling apart, there are still so many ways to be positive. Write down all of the amazing things you have going on in your life and you will start to feel a whole lot happier. Don’t take for granted your friends, family, job and the roof over your head. It can feel like everything is going wrong right now, but there are a lot of things that are amazing.
As soon as you start making these active changes in your life you will start to feel so much better about yourself. You need to know that the break up wasn’t necessarily a reflection on you as a person; it just wasn’t meant to be. Find your inner strength and you will soon find your own coping mechanism to recover. Feeling lonely is tough, if you use these methods from now on, you will come out stronger in the end.
Learn 6 signs that can signal the need for a marriage counselor.
There is no denying that marriage can sometimes be challenging. Things like complacency can set into marriages over time, as can issues with communication, leading to all kinds of problems. And if those issues don’t get resolved or even identified, those brewing problems can soon turn into an exploding volcano complete with spectacularly upsetting results.
Of course, there are steps that couples can take to mitigate the likelihood of problems reaching the point of no return. The first is to identify and admit when there’s a problem, as only then can the two people involved work together towards resolving marriage issues before they reach a crisis point. Whether you’re happy with your marriage or not, here are six signs that you both potentially need to see a marriage counselor:
1. You find each other unapproachable
Do you both find it hard to communicate with each other? And do you think twice before approaching each other to ask a question, for example? If so, they are sure-fire signs that your marriage needs some professional help. When you do seek advice, asking how to deal with poor communication should be at the top of your marriage counseling questions to ask.
2. Your sex life is non-existent
Sometimes not having enough intimate time with each other can be attributed to things like stress, fatigue, or other medical reasons. If you’re quite confident that your partner is merely finding excuses not to be intimate with you, it could be a sign they want to distance themselves from you.
3. You can’t get over past indiscretions
Has your spouse cheated on you in the past? If that’s the case, it’s only natural that you find it difficult to let go of such previous indiscretions. When someone cheats on you, it’s a real struggle to trust that person again for obvious reasons. There’s always a reason why people cheat in a marriage, so it’s worth talking things through with a marriage counselor to find out what that reason was in the past.
4. You’ve both lost a child
Losing a child at any age is something you wouldn’t even wish on your worst enemy. In such times, it’s important to be there for each other. After all, marriage is all about sticking with each other through the good times and the bad. But if your spouse has been distant and “cold” with you since the loss of your child, you’ll need to work things out together with the help of a marriage counselor.
5. You always argue over money
Apart from communication, one of the most common reasons for couples to fall out with each other in a marriage is over finances. It’s usually because one person isn’t fulfilling their financial obligations, such as paying household expenses.
6. Your spouse spends too much time working
Let’s face it: we all need to earn a living to pay our bills and survive. Is your spouse spending too much time working and not much time with you and your family? If so, a marriage counselor can help you both find ways to achieve a better work-life balance.
How valid is your friends breakup advice? Reading this informative post might help you decide.
When you’re struggling and seek help, it’s not uncommon that your friends will want to help you out. This is because they can empathize with you, or perhaps you have filled the same role in their life before. However, just because someone is your friend, it does not mean that they have the best advice to hand in order to help you the most profoundly. They have great intentions, but they may not be completely aware of the situation, or may have bad ideas themselves.
Dispelling certain myths within bad breakup advice might be needed. If you’re here after hearing something similar to this from one of your friends and you want to check just how valid it is, then you’re in the right place. Breakups are never easy. They’re difficult, they can be completely disorienting, but most of all, they can also be quite boring.
To help you with this, we hope our following advice can help you break up said myths and revert back to your best self. You deserve it:
‘Rampant Intimacy Will Help You Get Over Them’
There are many measures to get over someone. Your friend might suggest that the best method regarding how to get over a girl is to simply by ‘getting under’ someone else. Of course, if you are out of a relationship, you should be free to express your intimate desires in a manner that is enclosed by consent from both parties. However, if you feel as though this is the only way to tend to your emotional wounds, then you’d be wrong and misled. It’s important to note that while this may help, it may not, it depends entirely on how you proceed and where you are at in your stage of recovery.
Do not force yourself to do this if it’s not something you feel comfortable with, or if you’d really rather not. Rampant intimacy might work for some people, but it will hardly take your mind off what happened, and can often simply become an unhealthy coping strategy to try and shield yourself from further pain. It is not difficult to see just how that can be unhealthy and often make things worse.
‘You Need To Be Social 24/7’
When a friend wants you to come out with them every day after a break up, they are caring for you. They do not want to see you laying in bed until 4pm, eating ice cream, crying, and watching Netflix shows. But it’s also important that if you’re really not up to it, you do not feel completely obligated to socialize at all costs. Everyone processes the loss of a relative in different ways, and yes, you will be wounded after it happens. In fact, research has shown that mimicking effects similar to that created by physical pain is seen in the brain during heartache. If you had injured your leg, your friend would not be dragging you out to Five Guys. Instead, they’d let you heal.
While it’s important to be around other people, it’s also important to give yourself some time to process this alone. Do not think this makes you weak. However, do not cut anyone off. It’s this careful timeline that can allow you to grow back into yourself in the best manner possible, as you will not be forced in either direction.
‘You Need To Talk It All Through Now’
You may feel that talking through your problems with clear communication is the best way to start overcoming an issue. If you have that impression, you’re likely wiser than you think. Talking therapy with someone who understands or isn’t there to judge can be a fantastic means of letting out what’s harming you emotionally, and it can work wonders for your soul.
A friend might also know this, and they may wish for you to discuss it right now. They may think that spilling it all out in the moment can be healthy, because perhaps this method worked for them in the past. However, it’s important to note that you are not your friend, and so you might not even know how you feel right now aside from being dazed after the breakup. It’s okay not to have all the answers in the heat of the moment. In fact, giving yourself some time to process this before you decide to talk can be very healthy. A good friend will understand your need for this.
‘Lose Yourself In Self-Improvement’
When you break up with someone, you feel that you are not good enough. Why would this have happened otherwise, you may think. Additionally, the harmful nature of a couple splitting up can sometimes mean your ex-partner decides to insult you or press the buttons they know you are vulnerable to. This can lead you feeling a huge drop in self-confidence, feeling as though you cannot keep anyone or that you have something fundamentally wrong with you.
The first mistake is to accept this set of attitudes. The second mistake is to overcompensate for it. You may dive back to the gym to work out and process your pain through physical suffering, running harder than you ever have, trying to meditate for two hours each date, or lifting weights with enough frequency to bring the overtraining issue to full light. Losing yourself in self-improvement can be a very harmful thing when this happens, because it’s not being done for the right reasons.
By all means attend the gym with your friend. It can really help. But do not overcompensate. Do it for health and nothing else. Do it to stimulate your mind. Keep yourself active and healthy. These are positive steps. But beware that little voice that might wish to make this a crutch in an unhealthy manner, because in a healthy pursuit this will be the best crutch you have in the first place.
With this advice, you’re certain to dispel certain myths that might come to you. However, if you have a friend willing to help and remain at your side, you have plenty to be grateful for.
Looking for relationship advice? Consider all of your options before you move forward. Read this post to discover some pros and cons to asking for help.
When you’re in a rut, there’s a temptation to look to others for advice. People who have been through the same thing and have relationship experience can enlighten you on how to proceed. Of course, asking others for help is also very dangerous. There is no way to tell if their words are helpful or harmful until you’ve put them into practice, and then it might be too late. You need to find the perfect balance between making your own decisions and following the path well-trodden, and the best way to understand the pros and cons.
Here are two each to consider when you start experiencing relationship troubles.
Pro: They Can Empathize
A shoulder to cry on is always a nice feeling because it’s healthy to vent. However, couples who have been through the same thing can empathize, and that’s worth its weight in gold. Sometimes, there are generic things you need to do to get your relationship back on track, and they can talk you through them. Plus, there will be caveats that they figured out along the way which should come in handy. Without the need to stumble through in the dark and grope around, you can avoid saying and doing irreparable things.
Con: People Aren’t Transparent
Sadly, too many couples like to show off and make out as if they are the gold standard of love when they are in as much trouble. They shouldn’t throw stones from their glasshouse, yet they do - stones of hypocritical love. And, they do this while attending marriage counseling classes and trying to repair their damaged relationship. There is nothing wrong with giving advice, but it should be truthful and in the proper context. Otherwise, you might make the same mistake and end up in the same boat on a very dodgy looking creek.
Pro: They Want The Best For You
Often, the people we turn to for advice are the ones we love. It’s not like you’re going to stop a stranger on the street and ask their opinion. As a result, you know that everything you hear comes from the heart. They love you and want to help you be happy, which is why there is nothing untoward. Thinking with your head is the best policy, yet, sometimes, the heart has to rule over everything. To see it in real-time might inspire an epiphany which goes on to save your relationship.
Con: They’re Not Experts
The flip side of the coin is this: they amateurs. Sure, they’ve been in a successful relationship for years, but they have never stopped to analyze it. As a result, they don’t know the forensic details like a marriage counselor with qualifications and years of experience. A piece of good advice is only helpful when the process is on point as you might try and apply it to areas of your relationship where it isn’t applicable.
Listening to advice from others is comforting because it proves you’re not alone. Still, it’s essential to understand the limits of your confiders and seek professional help too.
Breaking up doesn't have to break you!
Learn 7 tips to help you rebuild your confidence after a break up.
The breakdown of a long-term relationship is never pleasant. Some relationships have a better ending than others, with agreement, mature decision making and amicable reasoning. Perhaps even lasting friendships. While others are messy. There’s arguments, custody battles, disagreements over money, property and possessions. Of course, there are also breakups that aren’t mutual. Where one part is shocked and considerably more hurt than the other.
However your relationship has ended; it’s a significant change. You have to get used to living your life without that person by your side. You might have to learn how to do things for yourself, and simply how to be alone. A messy breakup might also mean that you are dealing with feelings of hurt and anger. The emotions that we go through during a breakup are very similar to those of grief, and why shouldn’t they be? A part of your life is over, and it very much feels like something has died.
This can have a huge effect on your confidence, which can be even worse If you’ve been dumped. Feeling lost, and like you don’t know how to live alone can be terrible for your self-esteem. But, it doesn’t have to be. There’s nothing to stop you coming out of a relationship strong, confident and eager to meet new challenges. Here are some tips to help you rebuild your confidence.
Get the Hard Stuff Out of the Way
Part of why breakups are so upsetting isn’t the breakup itself but all of the things that come with it. Hunter Perret talks about the difficulties of telling parents and in-laws. You might have to break the news to friends and even children. You might have to have difficult conversations about legal proceedings, dividing assets and other practicalities of moving on.
It can be tempting to put these problematic tasks off until you are feeling better. But, you’ll struggle to do that while they are hanging over you. Looming as something that needs to be done. Generally, the anxiety that we feel before we do something unpleasant is worse than actually doing it. So, make a list of what needs to be done and get on with it. Only then will you be free to heel and move forward.
Get Out of Bed
You might feel as though all you can do is hide under your duvet and cry, which once or twice is fine. A good cry can help you to exorcise some of your emotions and start to process. But, at some point, you need to draw a line under your wallowing and get out of bed. Set an alarm and leave your phone in another room so that you have to get up to turn it off. Then, start your day. Go to work if you need to. If not, head to the gym or into town for lunch. Getting out and about can be a huge mood boost, even if you have to force yourself to do it.
When you’ve been hurt by someone you love, you need a little TLC. Your friends and family might offer comfort and support, but if you want a confidence boost on top, spoiling yourself can be the answer. Treat yourself to some new clothes or a fancy lunch. Book an appointment at the salon or get a massage. Just spend some time watching your favorite TV show with snacks and drinks if that’s what makes you feel good.
Exercise is probably one of the best confidence boosts going. It helps you to feel as though you are taking control and doing something good for yourself. While also releasing serotonin and adrenaline which will improve your mood. Go for a run, head to the gym, take a class or just start going for walks once a day and you’ll soon start to feel good about yourself.
Take Care of Yourself
When you’re sad, it’s only too easy to neglect your needs. Are you eating well, getting plenty of sleep and spending time with your loved ones? If your relationship has been on the rocks for a while, it’s possible that your needs have been neglected for a long time. Start taking care of yourself, giving your body and mind what they need to stay healthy.
Find Out Who Single You Is
You won’t be the same person as you were when you first met your partner, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. But, you might not be who you were when you were with them either. Our hobbies and interests often change to fit with each other. So, take some time to learn more about who you are on your own. Try new hobbies, watch new TV shows, make new friends and think about what you enjoy doing.
Make a Plan
Making plans for your future can help you to see that you’ve got one. Plan a holiday, or write a list of places that you’d like to visit in the future. Set yourself fitness goals, or even book a big event like a race so that you’ve got something to build towards. It could also be a great time to tackle some jobs around the house, or even take on a big move. Start some DIY, and redecorating, to turn your home into your own.
It’s also a great time to focus on your career. Sit down with your manager, or set yourself some goals going forward. You might even want to make a five-year plan, or start planning something big like a career change or starting your own business.
While all of these things will help you to grow, and to become more confident, that doesn’t mean that you have to feel better straight away. Grieving for a relationship is ok. It’s alright to be sad, and it’s absolutely fine to have setbacks and sad days even when you are starting to feel better. Rebuild your confidence and find ways to help yourself to feel better, but don’t put pressure on yourself. If you feel sad, let yourself be sad. Just don’t let these negative feelings take over your life.
Fights don't mean the whole marriage has to crumble. This contributed post examines whether there are really any insurmountable hurdles in a marriage.
Every couple fights. Most couples have at least one or two (if not more) fights that go deep and shake your confidence in a relationship. If you’re married, these cracks can be even scarier. But that doesn’t mean you have to let the whole thing crumble. Here, we’re going to look at disagreements, wrongdoings, and fights, and whether there really are any insurmountable hurdles in a marriage.
Differences and similarities
One of the biggest issues that tend to creep up in a marriage over time is when you start to notice that not all of your plans are the same as your partner’s. The practicalities of future life, employment, where you live, children, and the core principles that make you who you are aren’t easy to discover all at once. You have to make an effort to talk about the future with your partner. Talk about specific plans, greatest desires, ambitions, and more at length. Mishaps and small fights can be nothing but pebbles on the road to growing into a better understanding and respect of one another. However, if you don’t share a vision of the future that at least meets in the middle, tension is only likely to increase as time goes on.
Get a sense of perspective
Sometimes you can see the forest for the trees. The same can be said of a marriage. You cannot be impartial, and it is nothing more than ego to believe that you can. One of the biggest benefits of marriage counseling is the chance to involve someone who doesn’t have an emotional investment in the relationship. The impartiality and lower risk of bias can help you and your spouse view things with a little more distance from a new perspective. It can help you divorce yourself from the gut reactions that turn disagreements into fights and wrong-doings into vendettas.
Listen without blame
Social relationships involve a lot of give and take. We are naturally inclined to “keep tally”, whether it’s seeing who has the upper hand, who owes what, or to assert a moral high ground. In marriages, this is extremely dangerous. Even when you have been wronged, if you want to repair the relationship, you have to listen to your partner’s concerns. Even if they sound like excuses, even if it’s for a transgression as deep as cheating, communication is crucial. You have to listen, to share your own thoughts, and repeat. In time, with enough honesty on both sides, the conceits start to fall away, and you can address the fears and insecurities that often lie at the heart of the original transgression.
Though it may be easier than ever to back out of it, your marriage commitment represents more than just a relationship with another human being. It represents your ability to commit, period. Commitment involves sacrifice and hardship, not just agreeing to a long-term status quo. There are some insurmountable hurdles in marriages, that can’t be denied. But you have to try to surmount them before you can make that judgment in good faith.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes