Le plus gros regret
About The Author
Carrie Joyner is
a regular contributor to the
To Read Her Last Post:
Even Though it is Not my Choice
by Jackie Blue
It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age.
Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah.
I’ve experienced this myself.
People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me.
Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship.
So what have I done in the past year since I became single?
I suffered in silence.
I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many.
Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than
My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam".
He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him?
The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later.
We ended our relationship.
Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age.
I met Scott through a social media site.
A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night.
He became night friend.
He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him.
We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life.
We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did
was a sign
—that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once.
He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me.
Even my ex, Sam noticed it.
Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships.
He introduced me to his parents as well as his oldest friends from university days.
Then I stupidly told him I had feelings for him.
He said he was only interested in me as a friend
though his behavior proved otherwise at times. I now understand that Scott entering my life was nothing more than a cruel joke.
For people like me, hope is a cruel thing.
The man who possessed everything I always wanted in a man walks into my life only to walk out without a truthful explanation.
I had spent lots of money on dating sites only to have no results.
I know I am going to have to settle for less once again if I expect to be in a relationship, but no one was interested.
The smallest of bites were very short lived. None of them were my type, but again, would’ve settled.
I was given the schpiel by most of them:
They were looking for someone more:
*someone with money who could afford to travel the world and partake in expensive sports and hobbies with him.
I was told I had the “wrong look” for them.
Also, the absence of a career turned them off. I am on disability benefits thanks to a group insurance from my last job. I can no longer work due to my health. Nonetheless, I was treated as if I was a welfare recipient which is frowned upon in the dating world. Particularly if you are looking for someone with beyond a high school education. I did not renew my subscriptions to those sites.
I had purchased ebooks which confirmed what I knew—finding a suitable mate while being an older woman is problematic. Someone suggested meet-up groups for singles, but there were a few issues finding a group with people my age. And the ones that existed all took cruises and trips to Mexico together. They frequent very expensive restaurants and bars.
On a fixed income, this is not possible for me.
Besides, I do not function well in groups.
I tend to feel lost and/ or like I am suffocating and I either end up zoning out or having crippling panic attacks.
I am only able to function on a one to one situation.
I am not even going to try to pretend
Again, why would I twist myself into knots
simply to get 2nd or 3rd choice
to even look
Why would I go through the insults from men,
who are not my 1st choice,
telling me I don’t have the right look or style?
I also remember talking to men in my age group and a bit older about that whole dating scene. Mainly, I wanted to know why they were searching for women much younger than themselves? More often, why women young enough to be their daughters?
They basically told me that older women
carry too much baggage
and it was not fun for them.
Too many chips and cracks,
some had told me.
I had joined a Facebook group where people commiserated over bad experiences with dating sites and our frustration with them. Many of the women in this group were in my age bracket and many of whom, single for over 20 years. That was and still is very frightening to me. There really isn’t someone for everyone. But then, I should’ve known that was a mathematical impossibility.
Women outnumber men.
As time goes on, the loneliness gets more painful.
In that Facebook group, I had initiated a conversation thinking I must move out of the city I live in in order to find a partner. As much as I love living in the city, I knew that only rural men showed interest in me. Never city men.
I was chastised for that
saying I should learn to be a strong woman.
That is cold comfort to me.
A painful realization came.
I will never ever find another Scott.
I would have to settle for whatever I can get yet again.
However, I can’t seem to find anyone
who would even be remotely interested.
Dating is worse than a job interview. Come to think of it, I’ve had more fun at job interviews—with very bad interviewers.
So much effort just to settle.
Looking for a relationship has become synonymous with applying for a bank loan or looking for a job. You only get a loan when you prove to the loan officer you don’t really need it. You only get a job when you don’t really need one.
I’ve stopped looking as a result and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever just like those women on my facebook group.
I had also come to the realization, why must I work so hard on my image just for a man I know I am simply settling for? It is exhausting trying to impress one who would be a second or even third choice.
I won’t even find anyone who measures up to Sam.
There will never be another Scott. Why bother?
I have also come to the realization that sometimes we must pay for a mistake we made for the rest of our lives.
Separating from Sam is one such mistake I made.
Sometimes there is no second chance.
What I will not do, however, is pretend that this is fun.
Frankly, I am tired of being penalized for things beyond my control.
Things like finances, poor health, not the ideal appearance as dictated by society as a whole. Not having a career. Being over 30. Exactly the opposite of what men are looking for today in any age bracket.
One only has to look to profiles on dating sites to know this.
Scott and I still talk on and off, but we have not visited each other in the last four months. Oh one can say long distance relationships don’t work but he knew I was willing to relocate. My mother and other friends just live an hour away from him.
As for him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that theory is blown out of the water. He is looking to date others now. It’s only matter of time he will find somebody to live happily ever after with, especially now that he has lost a significant amount of weight. Given he’s been single for a year and a half now, and he’s lost all that weight, it will likely be sooner rather than later before he finds somebody.
The lesson here is, especially late in life, if you’re in a relationship or married, even if the relationship is mediocre, if there are no issues of addiction and/ or violence, do all to hold it together anyway. Even if he/she cheats on you, stick around. If someone drops into your life with uncanny timing, even if he/she appears to be your ideal mate, run as fast and as far as possible away from him/her. It’s just a test of your resolve to keep a long term relationship and/or marriage together.
Please learn from my mistake.
Jackie Blue is a former stripper, who got a degree in Life Studies graduating from The School of Hard-Knocks.
Her writing is raw, honest, confessional, comes from the heart, and although sometimes controversial and politically incorrect, her writings are always hers and always real.
Taking A Break - Needing Space when Dating
Dating Dilemmas #83
Frank Kermit makes his 124 appearance on the radio show Passion, hosted by Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating.
Topic of discussion is: Taking A Break and Needing Space When Dating
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. However, this is one element that many people struggle with, and it’s poor communication that can ruin a relationship. Talking through your issues is difficult, but if you can do so in a way that is non-argumentative and simply expresses how both sides feel, you may find that there is an easier solution to your problems than you realize. Take some time to really talk to each other about the things that have been bothering you for a much healthier relationship where both sides feel heard.
You may not really know much about couples counselling, or feel that it is not for you, but it is something that helps thousands of couples each day to enjoy healthier, more honest relationships. Whether you have problems communicating with each other, you suffer from sexual intimacy issues or anything else that may be causing your rough patch; couples counselling could be the thing that brings you both together again in a safe and open space.
Get away from it all
Sometimes it’s outside factors that cause our relationships to suffer. If work is affecting your relationship for example, or even one person having a much more active social life than the other, then a vacation could be just what the two of you need. Putting physical distance between the issue and your relationship could be beneficial, and a vacation will give you both the chance to relax without distractions to leave you both feeling much happier when you return. A vacation will also help you establish some perspective so that when you return, you can find ways to manage your workload better or prioritize your relationship over late nights with friends to help you refocus on your relationship.
Spend more time together
Sometimes the issue can be that you’re just not spending time together. It can be difficult if your schedules clash, or you’re in a long-distance relationship, but these are issues that can be resolved by spending more quality time together. Try to spend time together, enjoying date nights that are free from distractions (that means keeping your phones away!), that let you both catch up on how you’re doing and enjoy each other’s company.
Relationship issues can be difficult, but for many people, they are a phase that will disappear with a bit of work. It’s important to remember that love is not a power play, so it’s important to treat your partner as an equal and ensure that they do the same in return. It’s difficult to deal with issues, but tackling them head on will benefit your relationship and make you both stronger for it.
by Carrie Joyner
I always figured the next love of my life would happen organically.
After 2 years of taking a break from the soul sucking world of online dating, I decided to jump back in because the old fashioned way of meeting men just wasn’t happening.
Not the right ones, anyhow.
The romantic notion of meeting Mr. Right in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store went out the window a long time ago since Steve Jobs put iphones in 90% of the populations hands.
Human interaction is scarce these days.
Eye contact is nothing short of a miracle.
People would rather Snap Chat themselves with cartoon eyes and dog noses.
-I don’t get it.
-I don’t want to get it.
I didn’t go hungry the past two years, don’t get me wrong.
I just needed to kick start the process and increase the odds of landing a dream partner before I start thinking about getting a few cats and spending every night binge watching Million Dollar Listing and fantasizing about a career in high profit real estate.
Putting yourself out there lends to some pretty deep self-analysis by being part of that online, fast food style relationship world.
Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there…but you have to cut through a lot of weeds to find a good one.
With my iphone machete in hand, I began hacking away.
Vessel of choice: Tinder
I am tired of paying for the chance to meet someone who could ultimately end up wasting years of my life.
I spent the better part of 2 years in 3 useless relationships because of that.
Recently divorced and feeling the clock ticking in the last few years of my 30’s, I dropped the bar…forget raising it…and settled with three different men for the sake of being in a relationship.
Mild levels of attraction led to a lot of time being complacent, at times anxiety-inducing and ultimately unfulfilling relationships.
One was crazy, one was a jerk and one was just too nice.
I just signed up two weeks ago, so about 50 matches later, 4 disappointing actual dates, I am taking a deep breath and getting ready for week three.
The latest date was probably the strangest.
A hot pilot who had been texting with me for about 24 hours before I found a hole in my schedule and asked him if he was free.
He was, we set up a time and place to meet for a drink.
He arrived 30 minutes late because he was stuck in traffic and took about ten minutes to establish consistent eye contact with me.
This is where all that self analysis kicks in.
The reality is that I am sitting in front of a total stranger.
I don’t know if he has issues.
I don’t know his back story
or what really happened in his last relationships,
or how hurt he had been in the past.
The questions float around my head incessantly.
-Is he not focusing because he is nervous?
-Am I too good looking for him?
-Am I not good looking enough?
I finally hooked him in a topic that he was semi-passionate about and I had my eye contact at last.
He didn’t want to leave,
but I have to cut these things short unless there are fireworks.
Plus, my dog needed a walk.
He texted me after to make sure I got home safely, which was thoughtful.
He asked if he could see me again
and I said yes,
because maybe that first encounter
was just scratching the surface.
I haven’t heard back from him all weekend
and I am not going to reach out first
…I am old school like that.
Online dating is not how I imagined meeting my next boyfriend and hopefully husband, but it is the easiest way to start connecting to total strangers, some with good intentions, others not so much.
It takes time, energy, thick skin and courage of steel
to not cancel dates
that seem like a good idea while couch surfing with chardonnay.
But I guess you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket,
so let the games begin!
About The Author
Carrie Joyner is
a regular contributor to the
To Read Her Last Post:
Adult Male Virgins
Break Up / Divorce
Cheating / Infidelity
Coping With Loss
Date Night Recipes
Dating First Dates
Dating Online Dating
Dating Speed Dating
Français - French
In Memory Tribute
Kink Fetish BDSM
Media / Podcasts
Q&A Frank Advice