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10-reasons-why-dating-is-harder-for-older-women-part-11

10/23/2017

7 Comments

 
older women quotes
older women dating quotes
how to impress a 40 year old woman
why dating is harder for older women part 11
trigger warning
trigger warning

Reason # 8

Resisting Change




The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.

Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.



I have coached older men who want to follow older dating codes of behaviors, so these types of men do exist. They would follow the same older dating codes of conduct that some older woman want to follow, but the issue lies in that she often rejects him anyway based on other reasons.


These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:



Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months.  Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.


Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.


Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.


William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.


See what I mean?





In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.

Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.


Some examples of older dating codes:




Demanding Monogamy Immediately
 
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment.  Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex.  Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.


non-monogamy
non-monogamy guide book

Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move

If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality.   Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.

That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.




Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out

Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady. 

To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:

Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him.  She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too!   Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“




Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
 
 One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
 
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
 
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps.  That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.

If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS:  Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality!   You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
 
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!




Frozen In Time

In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are. 

Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,

there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.

This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.


If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.




Your role in the sexual attention paradigm is shifting from young women being on the receiving end of sexual attention, to older women now having to be on the projecting end of sexual attention. 

This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role. 

I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.

For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.

When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”

As in:

She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.” 

Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.

Nothing ever “just happens”. 

The men had to work.  They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.



It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen. 

A man had to Work:


-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.

-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.

-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.

-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.

-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had.   He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.



A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.

No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates.  The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in.  Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.


For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.


You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.


The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one. 

It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.

how to approach an older woman
from artist Ricky Whitney


It’s Not Fair!




Older women are right when they say life is not fair.

They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.

They are correct.

It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.

It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.

That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change. 

Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.




Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.

People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.

The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.


It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.





The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.

The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery
.

That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.

People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.

Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.  



That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.






Reason # 9

Unreasonable Expectations



Not everyone is going to be into you just because you expect they should be.  It is one thing if you believe in yourself and feel you have a lot to offer.  That is good self-esteem.  However, if you expect that everyone should recognize it, without you having to prove it, then we are crossing over into the realm of unreasonable expectations.

I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men.  Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.




Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series

7 Comments
jane
5/8/2018 03:24:05 am

I really liked this article, a lot of wisdom in it, thank you!

Reply
Frank
5/8/2018 08:08:55 am

Thanks for reading Jane!!

Reply
Vicky
4/7/2019 03:10:18 pm

Dear Frank,
I have to say this is the best I have found on this subject. You gave me a lot of insight but I see I still need more work on me if I’m ever going to succeed at finding a relationship. I just don’t seem to know how to do it..I feel like at 68 my window is difficult to open. I’m widowed for ten years & am a caregiver for my mentally ill twins who live with me. I think this is this is an impossible situation to solve. I do feel I have some some bitterness. I lost my oldest son in an auto accident, he was not ill.. I’m blessed with many girlfriends & maybe this is the best I can hope for. I will look forward to your next chapter & any helpful advice you have for me, I will try hard to try it. Thank you😊

Reply
Frank
4/7/2019 06:51:13 pm

Send me an email to frank @ franktalks.com and lets schedule some coaching for you to get you on track.

Reply
Mary Lynn Riendeau
12/4/2019 05:15:15 am

What do you charge for a coaching session?mim a long time friend of Ted’s. We were in you h when you were trying to locate him.
I live in Vancouver.
Your article really impressed me, although I felt you sided quite a bit with men.
Sadly, I’ve had nothing but serious betrayal and lies by the many men in my life.
I tried for 6 years to make it work with a “nice guy” but the romance never developed, try as I may. So I concluded that chemistry IS the glue in a relationship. Yet I truly tried your formula of giving it a chance (6 years!)
My history includes a severe infancy and childhood trauma (physical abuse) and a lifetime of emotionally unavailable men and men who e cheated and lied. So I’ve been single for 5 years following cancer and discovery of my infancy traumas.
I’m very attractive but overweight. I have had zero male eyes turning to notice me for years. Well except for an Australian last year who lied from day one and already had a girlfriend which he withheld from me until 6 months in when I accidentally discovered his cover up.
I feel utterly hopeless.
I’m
turning 60 in April and feel little if any hope for my future. And to boot, I’ve been in Vancouver 26 years and still have no “tribe”, no real deep or meaningful friendships. Loneliness has been haunting me daily for years. Sorry this is much longer than I planned.
Thanks for reading.
Keep up the good articles, and perhaps I’d ask that you aim to strike a slightly fairer balance between women and men. And,... I read it all and agree with everything you said. Just also consider people like me who have really been incredibly maltreated by men. Perhaps it’s just part of the territory of having had a violently emotionally abusive father.
Sincerely,
Mary Lynn

Reply
Frank
12/4/2019 10:02:20 am

Hi Mary Lynn, You can find my current rates under the Per Hour Coaching tab on the menu of my website.
I worked very hard to provide a balanced view. I am not "siding" with men. I am explaining to older women what is going through a man's mind, and how a man evaluates whether or not he will make a commitment. Also, I am pointing out common mistakes older women make in dating based on my 20+ years of experience as a dating coaching. That does not make me less balanced because you did not like what you read. As you stated yourself, you agreed with my points.
It is a terrible thing that you have experience such pain and abuse in your life. That was not right for you to experience that. You do have the ability to change that for your future, by making better choices in your life about who you do get involved with. I am giving you the same advice I would give a man...even if you have a lousy past, you are still accountable for the choices you make in terms of who you date. If every relationship you ever had is a bad one, the common element in YOU. That advice is GENDERLESS. Work on YOU if you seek better relationships.
BTW, 6 years is not "giving it a chance"....that is a sign of lacking boundaries on your part. Giving it a chance means more like 6 weeks...maybe even 3 months and if it does not work then, you move on to the next option...but 6 years?! that is a sign you need to work on your boundaries (which many people with traumatic childhood's struggle with).
If you have been living in the same place for over 20 years and unable to form even friendship, that again is a sign of a deeper issue of being unable to form emotionally healthy connections. Personally I think if we can solve your boundary issues, the rest of your life will fall right into place.
Your comments of my article not being balanced enough is because you are seeing what you want to see, not what is there.
Yes, I do take into account that people have trauma (I have a certification on trauma counseling). I would suggest that you take into account that your trauma is filtering your interpretation of the article, which you also say you agree with every word. If you want to talk about coaching with me, send me an email to frank @ franktalks.com and we can figure out a plan for you.

Reply
Cassandra
1/3/2020 06:25:16 am

Hi Frank
This article is one of the best I have read on this topic! Excellent work! Where can I find the link for the reasons 9 and 10 why older women struggle to find love.
Regards,
Cassandra

Reply



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