Are You Emotionally Faithful?
What constitutes infidelity? Looking at porn? Chatting with an old flame on Facebook?
Guys weigh in.
by Tom Matlack (originally published June 12, 2010)
With the recent indiscretions of Brett Favre, Tiger Woods and other famous philanderers, the question of what constitutes infidelity is on our minds. And, surprise surprise, men and women don’t always agree. Does having a special friend of the opposite sex at work count as cheating? How about looking at porn? Striking up conversations with an old flame on Facebook?
According to an ongoing infidelity poll of over 8,000 women conducted by WomanSavers, 69 percent of women believe that viewing porn is emotional cheating. In a similar WomanSavers poll, 92 percent of all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity. (Granted, the readers at WomanSavers, a site where you can do a background check on a guy before going on a date, might not reflect women everywhere.)
But suffice it to say, there are many views on emotional fidelity. We would love to hear yours. As a guy, what do you think is important for a fulfilling relationship? What’s OK and what’s not? Do you have the urge to stray emotionally or physically? How do you deal with those urges?
Here’s what some of them men I spoke with said:
How do I know if he likes me?
(He asked me what my weekend plans were, but didn’t ask me out. By the way I said "no plans yet...")
-No Date Yet
Frank Advice Answer:
Dear No Date Yet,
Given the current climate in society right now, he likely wants to ask you out, but is worried that you will be offended in some way.
Did you communicate to him that you wanted him to ask you out?
If you do want to go on a date with him, you could have said:
“I have no plans. If you're free too, do you want to get together?”
Did you ask him if he had plans this weekend? That would have shown him that you are interested in knowing his availability to date.
It sounds like he may like you, but he wants more of a sign that you would be open to being asked out.
We are at a time where the #MeToo movement is changing the way people interact with each other. Do NOT expect him to chase you! Do NOT make him have to jump through hoops to pursue you!
If you do that, you will only attract the jerks who want the challenge of the "conquest", and you will be pushing away the good men who avoid women who play games.
After years of coaching so many men, it is very clear that most men will NOT ask out a woman unless she gives a clear sign that she is interested AND will say yes.
For the women who wish to take charge of their dating life and embrace change. Right now you can purchase the workbook for women.
"I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME"
-Frank, because I have to be
Sometimes Frank answers questions randomly online as they appear.
In those cases he occasionally posts the question
(with some editing) and his Frank Advice answer here on this blog.
Names have been changed to protect privacy
(as much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names).
Why do I get stomach pain after I make out with a girl after a couple of minutes?
-Pain In The Belly
Frank Advice Answer:
Dear Belly Pain,
If this is an isolated incident, it could just be you getting sick at a bad time (got the flu bug and it only manifested when you were making out).
If this is the first time you ever made out AND had the pain, but did not get sick with a bug, it could be nerves. Anxiety and nervousness can manifest itself into physical symptoms. More exposure to the new act of intimacy might be all it takes to calm your stomach and enjoy the intimacy.
You may want to consider signing up for my Adult Male Virgin System if this was one of your first times.
If this is part of a repeating behavior pattern where it happens and keeps happening, this COULD be because your actions are challenging your self identity. If you have a self identity as someone that does not have intimacy (and this allowed you to survive say childhood in a very strict religious household), then your body might be reacting to doing something that is not yet "you".
If this is the case, check out some Frank Coaching, and pick up the Coaching Workbook for Men entitled I'm A Man, That's My Job as it has an entire chapter on creating a Persona to help you transition from your current identity to one that is comfortable with women, kissing, dating and sex.
-Frank, Because I Have To Be
Reduce wedding planning stress by working together. Read this contributed post on Franktalks.com to learn simples steps men can take to be an active part of the wedding planning process.
You might think that your wedding is for both you and your bride. In a way, this is true, but typically, it’s going to be more important to her. Women have often been planning their wedding for years, dreaming about it since before you even met. Unless you can say the same, you’re probably in the same position that most men are. A lot of guys just clock out after the proposal, and this is a mistake. If you want to really impress your bride during the planning stages of your wedding, then we suggest you take this advice.
Attend All The Appointments
You will have a lot of appointments in the build-up to your wedding, and it will usually be important that you attend. You need to go to cake testing - you probably won’t want to miss that one - check out the venue, speak to the DJ, look at different designs for the layout and the list goes on. You might make the mistake of avoiding the ones that you’re not interested in. But, if you want to show that you care, you need to attend them all. Make sure you plan for this around work and other appointments if you want to earn extra points with your wife to be.
Lend A Helping Hand
There are a lot of jobs to do before the wedding as well. Guests need to be called, invitations need to be sent out, and schedules need to be made. All this and more takes time and effort, and it shouldn’t all be left up to your fiance. Instead, you want to help out where you can, providing advice, support and your attention. For instance, you might be planning to send out handmade wedding invitations. While this will probably be your partner’s idea, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t help make them. You don’t want your wife to think that you have no interest in helping out or worse that this is what it’s going to be like for the rest of your marriage.
Pay Attention To The Little Details
It’s not just the big events or appointments that matter either. There are a whole range of smaller details and concerns that your wife will be interested in. For example, flower arrangements are going to make your wedding venue look stunning. Read up about this on sites like http://seflorals.ca/services/wedding-flowers/, so you know what to expect the different choices you have so you can surprise your partner with a vast amount of knowledge and opinion on the matter. Although you also need to make sure that you support whatever choice she makes for colors and layouts.
Prepare To Surprise
Lastly, you need to make sure that you are planning little surprises for your partner leading up to the wedding. Wedding planning can be stressful, and you need to guarantee that you are helping her relax and take the edge off. Spa treats and romantic getaways are a couple of the best options that you should consider. Check out this site https://www.couplesresort.ca/relax/ for a great example.
What Makes Couples Last According To A Professional Montreal Relationship Coach
Facts about love that make sense.
by Irene Terehova
Throw Back Thursday.
An interview between Irene Terehova and Frank Kermit for MTL Blog from 2016
A very common problem I see in modern relationships is the longevity struggle. Relationships and marriages don't last. Break ups and divorces are at an all time rise. Why is this happening? Why are Montrealers losing patience and not willing to work harder? Is giving up on love the right way to go?
So I got in touch with Frank Kermit today, a Montreal based relationship and dating coach, in hopes of finding the truth in this confusing subject matter. Frank gave a beautiful and easy breakdown to my two simple questions.
Why do modern couples break up and divorce so often, Frank?
"The difference between a couple that lasts and a couple that divorces all comes down to their emotional needs. Each individual has a set of emotional needs. Although the emotional needs tend to be similar from person to person, each individual has a unique profile detailing, which emotional needs are more important and which ones are less important. A person with a high degree of the emotional need fear of abandonment will react very differently than a person with a lower degree of that same emotional need.
Couples come together because the emotional needs of both people are addressed when they are involved with each other. Couples break apart (separation and divorce) when the emotional needs of one (or both) of the people are very violated.
The emotional needs of an individual can also change over time. [...] For example, a person who is at a stage of life where their children are grown and they have arranged for financial security that is not dependent on any particular employer may not place too much importance on an emotional need like protection of reputation, as the person may have done at a younger age. So it can happen where a couple [who has been] together for a long time, have changed as individuals and thus their emotional needs have changed, and their relationship as it stands, can no longer address their particular new emotional needs."
What needs to be changed in order to make modern relationships last?
The only thing that really would have to change that would be realistic, is for people to learn the skills needed to manage their abundance of choice.
Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it, the power of choice, without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs.
[...] A person can choose to date, get married, have children, live together, not date at all, be child-free, be a single parent, date multiple people at the same time, have multiple sex partners at the same time, even have polyamourous multi-partner romantic relationship families. The sky is no longer the limit, as the freedom of choices for how people choose to manage their romantic lives has reached beyond the stars.
[...] A person that does not know him or her self, their personal boundaries, or who has never thought critically about what is in their own best long term interest is at a disadvantage, and may end up choosing the wrong partners to get involved with, and worse…could potentially walk away from a great life to choose a new partner and life that lands that person in emotional ruins.
Dating and Relationship Coach
Author of 15 books and 20 audio lectures sets, including:
The Emotional Needs of Women Analysis Workbook
The Emotional Needs of Men Analysis Workbook
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One of the faults in sugar arrangements is “the girlfriend experience,” he said. “By behaving and doing things that couples normally do, they start to have emotional attachments that they didn’t anticipate,” he said.
This includes such things as public displays of affection and going on dates. “The girlfriend experience” creates the potential for feelings of jealousy, which can cause turmoil in the arrangement for both parties, he said.
It is also often difficult for sugar babies to support themselves financially once their arrangement is over, as they are accustomed to a certain way of life, he said.
“If any of these sugar daddies cut them off, they’re not necessarily used to earning their own money through other means,” he said.
Kermit recalled in an interview that he counselled a sugar baby who dropped out of university once she found a sugar daddy.
“When someone is getting that kind of money on a regular basis, school may not be a priority for them anymore,” he said.
It isn’t just the sugar babies affected by this kind of arrangement either. In his experience, many sugar daddies he has counselled have become “socially dull,” he said. Once their arrangement is over, sugar daddies often do not know how to act around other women when they are not paying for their services, he said. The same behaviors that had been accepted by sugar babies, are no longer accepted by women these sugar daddies meet afterward, he said.
Sugar arrangements aren’t without benefit however. “Whether it’s money, whether it’s getting sex, or whether it’s getting certain experiences this person wouldn’t get without this arrangement, there is a positive,” he said. “That’s why people do it.”
People can often experiment with sexual fetishes in sugar relationships that they may be too nervous to try in conventional relationships, he said. Since all aspects of the arrangement are negotiated beforehand, these fetishes can be discussed early on. “Be clear about your boundaries and stick to them,” he said.
“The best way to make sugar relationships healthier is to stop calling it a relationship,” he said. “Call it what it is. Call it an arrangement.”
About The Author
My name is Sarah Do Couto and I’m a Ryerson University journalism student. I have a passion for writing about all things odd and unconventional.I was born and raised in Hamilton and grew up as a self-proclaimed theatre nerd.
Phone number: 905-741-5099
Check out this article Frank Kermit wrote about
Did The Simpsons Parody Frank Kermit?
I was sitting at my computer working one day, until I heard my son Tadpole shouting,
"Dad! Dad! Look!
You're on The Simpsons! You're on the Simpsons!"
Trying to calm him down from his excitement, I wanted to understand what he was going on about.
He was watching a clip of The Simpsons on youtube (watch the video below).
My son has always been a fan of The Simpsons. As an infant, we had to give up our cable television to help balance the bills at that time, so we would buy whatever VHS/DVDs of The Simpsons that we would find at garage sales and thrift stores.
He would watch the VHS/DVDs over, and over, and over, and over.....and over. At the time, he was just tall enough to reach the VCR/DVD players and had learned to use them just by watching us turn them on and hit the play button. As he got older, his craving for The Simpsons led him to Youtube and the abundance of youtube clips of episodes that he never got to view on VHS or DVD.
It was in early 2018, that he came across the Youtube video below, and spotted a book title that sounded shockingly similar to a book that he knows his daddy wrote.
The original air date was February 13, 2011
When the researchers for the The Simpsons were looking up pick-up/dating/seduction books to parody, is it possible they came across my book, "From Loser To Seducer" and were inspired by that title to parody it to "From Loser To User"?
Given that at the time, I was selling my paperback books through a print-on-demand self-publisher and my library there was a popular seller (got a Best Seller designation around that time period), it is very likely that they would have come across my books if they were researching that subject.
Below are the comparative book covers, The Simpsons book by Dr Kissingher, From Loser to User and the autobiography of Frank Kermit From Loser To Seducer, and their respective release dates. It was released in 2006.
Notice the 5 year difference.
The Book Cover For the 10th Year Anniversary Edition Released in 2016
If this was in fact an official parody, then I am grateful.
To have any of my work parodied on a program like The Simpsons is truly an honor.
I really do hope that someone related to the show can offer some kind of confirmation of influence one day. When my son found this clip, and the possibility of a parody, I was touched. When I first started this journey the thought that I might one day be in the media enough to merit a parody in a show like The Simpsons.
As a Relationship Expert, I have been on Television, on regulated professional broadcast radio, podcasts, web-series, in newspapers, and even inspired a character named Frank Biggs in a comic strip by Ricky Whitney (who also did the artwork for the article image above). It would be very meaningful to know that something I created was a parodied on such an iconic platform as The Simpsons.
My hope is that I get to talk to the researcher to get a confirmation, and that maybe one day, my son might get to have a telephone conversation with The Simpsons voice actors so he can talk to Bart Simpsons and Mr. Burns (two of the characters he would like to speak too).
If this was just a coincidence, then I will be heartbroken.
The idea that I could have been, but then found out wasn't, parodied on one of the greatest television programs in the history of television leaves me saddened.
But I am still grateful that The Simpsons exist.
When I studied a class on animation at Dawson College under Prof. David Grey, I wrote a short paper on the episode of "Stark Raving Dad" featuring the late Michael Jackson as the speaking voice of Leon Kompowsky under the pseudonym John Jay Smith. It was almost 30 years ago, and I do not even remember the content of the paper (this was at a time when papers were hand-written because computers and type written papers wasn't yet a thing). But I remember enjoying The Simpsons enough to write about them back then. The Simpsons were a part of my life.
When my son wanted some entertainment, and we were so strapped for cash, I am grateful for the VHS/DVDs of The Simpsons that we would come across that kept him amused, and the clips he still watches today; The Simpsons are still a part of my life.
When I do something that is very Homer-ish (I am husband now after all) and my wife Jade gives me the Marge noise (the Hmmm grumble), while she exclaims "I know how Marge feels!" The Simpsons continue to be a part of my life (and my marriage provided that my Homer-ish quirks don't cause her to file for divorce one day). D'oh!
Read an account from Jade about some of Frank's Homer-ish moments in the introduction to the book From Loser To Seducer
Either Way, I doubt I will ever get confirmation on this.
Either way, whether this was just a coincidence (I hope not), or they did in fact use my autobiography title From Loser To Seducer as a muse for the Dr Kissingher book title From Loser To User (I hope so!) I doubt I will ever get confirmation.
It is likely that even if it was a direct parody, and even though they are fully protected by Fair Use laws to be able to do so, without asking permissions, pay royalties, or even acknowledge it, they would not do it. Somewhere in all this is someone that would rather limit any potential liability.
With that said, I am aware I am not entitled to anything from the show, including that I am not entitled to any acknowledgement of the nature of this potential parody. I would not sue them anyways. If anything, I would ask them to arrange for my kid to get the phone call, and work together with them to help create a new Simpsons memory for a great kid.
So for legal reasons, among other reasons, I hardly expect anything.
In truth, the LAST thing I want to do is become an enemy of The Simpsons. The last guy named Frank (and his son Frank Jr) did not fair very well against Homer (of course I am speaking of the late Frank Grimes and his son Frank Grimes Jr). I certainly do not want to be lumped in with those other Franks.
Frank Grimes aka Grimey does NOT equal Frank Kermit
Just Not Famous Enough
Fact is, I am good at what I do. I am a good dating coach, author of 20+ books and over 70+ hours of recorded lectures on the subjects of emotional needs, dating, relationships, and love.
I love what I do. I love helping people to the next level of their love lives.
But I am not famous for doing what I do. Oh well.
Yet, I can still enjoy the possibility of having been parodied on The Simpsons, and for what it is worth, it makes me happy to know the possibility exists.
Maybe one day, I will be famous enough (for a good reason) to be parodied on The Simpsons.
Synopsis: Season 22, episode 13
Marge discovers her natural gray hair, and Homer becomes a Valentine's Day wingman to Moe, much to Marge's suspicion that Homer is cheating on her.
After spending another Valentine’s Day alone, Moe attends a seminar led by Dr. Kissingher in the hopes of gaining more confidence with women. Moe takes the doctor’s advice and asks Homer to be his wingman, but Moe becomes distraught when women are drawn to Homer as well. Later, Marge confronts Homer when she learns that he is becoming increasingly popular with the young ladies.
Original Air date February 13, 2011
About Dr. Kissingher
He first appeared in commercial at Moe's Tavern during Valentines day. At his convention he transformed Willie's words into romantic language. He called Moe a monster after seeing but then apologizes. After hearing Moe's history he says that Moe's only hope is a wingman.
In his commercial he says if you're watching it your love life is like Sister Act 3, no Whoopi.
He later appears throughout the episode in bubbles giving romantic advice. Occupation Motivational speaker
Voiced by Harry Shearer
Disclaimers and Acknowledgements
The Simpsons is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series is a satirical depiction of working-class life, epitomized by the Simpson family, which consists of Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. The show is set in the fictional town of Springfield and parodies American culture and society, television, and the human condition.
(Source Wikipedia). All information and images related to The Simpsons in this blog post are copyright the relative production companies and owners that produced The Simpsons. They appear here under the Fair Use (USA) and Fair Dealing (Canada) laws of copyright for the purposes of review and commentary.
From Loser To User by Dr. Kissinger, may or may not have been intended to be a parody of the Frank Kermit autobiography From Loser To Seducer. In the event it had, it would fall under the Fair Use (USA where the show is produced) laws of copyright of parody as commentary.
Frank Kermit hopes that one day he might be famous enough to be officially parodied on The Simpsons
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How to be Bald and Confident By Frank Kermit
Old photos show your great grandfather was bald. Your grandfather was bald. Your great uncles were bald. Today your uncles are balding, your father is balding, and your older brother has a receding hairline. You still have a full head of hair, but for how long? You know that your genetics are working against you when it comes to your hair. Baldness is coming.
Right now you would rather focus on just trying to get Suzie, the woman you are attracted to, to agree to meet you for a coffee date.
Like many people, you unconsciously run your fingers through your hair, especially when you are feeling stressed. You do this now, and wonder if once you start losing your hair, will it be even harder to get women like Suzie to want to date you?
What if your hair loss starts at the top of your head? You know that Vertex hair loss is the most common. You cringe thinking about styling your hair in the “comb over” like your uncles.
You are concerned about male pattern baldness genetics given your family history with hair loss, and rightly so.
However, before we get into that discussion, let me tell you a little story about a guy named "Monty" and his sudden hair loss.
Monty's Hair Loss Story
Monty is a man who was a rebel in his youth; some called him a bum because of his style of dress with his 80s rocker hair and the fact that at 18 he devoted so much time to fixing his beloved car.
When it came to women, Monty was a ladies man.
He was the quintessential “bad boy”.
Women loved him!
They also loved to hate him, torn between love and hate for the irresistible tramp he was.
For years, Monty was an adventurous playboy who never any problem finding new women to bring into his life,
until one day when
Monty started losing entire clumps of his hair.
The neighbours who loved to gossip started talking about him even more:
"It’s because of those drugs he did as a teenager!”
exclaimed one neighbour, and so the rumours began to circulate the neighbourhood.
"Maybe he is having cancer treatments? It must be!"
said another neighbour.
"I have a cousin who said she found out his fiancé was cheating on him! He must be traumatized so his hair is falling out.“
said another neighbour.
"I bet he is pulling it out himself.
He always liked getting attention. It’s not natural",
decided yet another neighbour.
Concerned about what was happening to him,
Monty sought out medical help.
Doctors initially thought it might be Alopecia Areata (AA),
where the hair loss is in patches on the scalp.
Monty continued to lose hair so the doctors then decided he had Alopecia Totalis (AT), which is total hair loss on the scalp,
and only the scalp.
While struggling to accept this diagnosis,
Monty also started to lose hair everywhere.
It’s called Alopecia Universalis (AU).
His hair began to fall out not just on his scalp,
but over his entire body as well.
Within less than 1 year, all of Monty’s hair was gone. His facial hair, his eyebrows and eyelashes, his armpit hair and his “manly” chest hair and all the other hair on his body fell out.
Monty looked into hair loss treatments.
He researched male pattern baldness,
and tried to find out if it was possibly due to genetics?
He experimented with every hair loss remedy
that he came across.
He was looking for a hair loss cure. He subscribed to every hair loss news feed he could find. Finally, he discovered a method that seemed to have limited results. Monty found that cortisone injections taken regularly (that were somewhat expensive) would allow him to experience patches of hair that slowly grew back, but as soon as he stopped the injections, so would the hair growth.
In his research Monty found that in some cases of Alopecia the person's hair could grow back. Unfortunately for him the odds were against him. Hair regrowth could happen in 8-10% of the cases where there is only a small area involved.
However, the more extensive the hair loss, the less likely it is to ever grow back. With limited success in further hair loss prevention, Monty decided to discontinue any further treatments, and accept the consequences of his diagnosis.
Before he lost his hair Monty was a very confident man who attracted women easily and had a wild sex life.
Since he was already an Alpha male, his hair loss wouldn't affect his confidence, would it?
Well, actually, it did.
When Monty lost his hair, he was shocked.
He always associated his masculinity
with his rocker hair and wild bad boy image.
When he looked in the mirror, he didn’t see the man he used to know. He was worried that women would reject him because he no longer had the hair he used to have.
In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity.
This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity.
An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think.
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma”
I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand.
So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%.
For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help.
It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers.
Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives.
In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends!
They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns).
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
That’s great for you because we’re about to go through how to do it right. I’ll also cover a few examples you can use and adapt.
Getting the conversation started
According to Tinder Seduction’s study, just 50 percent of guys will message their Tinder matches. Only 14 percent will say anything beyond “hey” or “hi.” For the mathematicians out there, that’s 86 percent of guys saying literally nothing constructive to women on Tinder. Starting to see the problem?
You could literally head-but your phone keyboard, hit send and put yourself in the top 50% of male Tinder users. Maybe don’t consider that tip #1 though.
Before we get onto specific question openers, let’s take a moment to cover the essentials.
Essential ground rules to remember
Do your homework
Before you go saying anything, take a quick look at her profile. So long as she’s got more than a single photo in there, it should tell you quite a bit. You can get an idea of what she likes and the type of person she is.
Accomplished business woman? Regular socialite? Alternative style or living the vegan life? These factors should play into your opening message. Spending 10 seconds actually reading what she has to say and checking out her photos will go a long way.
Watch your spelling and grammar
Particularly with older women looking to date a younger man, you need to keep an eye on this one. Being on the older end of the Millennial age bracket, I have a number of friends that qualify as “older women.” I can tell you right now unless you’re Zac Efron, constantly mixing up your/you’re is getting you ignored.
It sounds trivial but what it’s doing is promoting the idea that you’re uneducated or lazy. Untrue as that may be, she only has a handful of words to judge you by. Make sure your English teacher would approve.
Start with her name
If you’ve ever picked up a sales and marketing book, this is something you’ve likely read about. That’s because, in short, hearing our own name activates the brain in a positive way.
It also demonstrates you haven’t just copy/pasted that first message to 20 women.
Now this doesn’t mean you have to open in a formal manner. In fact, one of my favorite dad jokes starts with a question. The first word I use is their name:
“Hannah, I have a question for you. What does. . .”
Short, fun, flirtatious
The purpose of the opener is to do just that. You’re not trying to do anything beyond starting a positive conversation with her. The rest will come later.
The way we interact with these great cougar dating sites and apps is much the same as we do social media. All we’re interested in reading are tiny morsels of information, then we move on. “Oh look, Jane has written another 500 word Facebook status . . .” [keeps scrolling].
I’ve received lengthy messages from women in the past and even I’m guilty of it. I saw the message take up more than my entire screen, started reading and closed the app. If my attention span is that short, imagine how women will respond when they have an abundance of matches?
This leads me to my next point . . .
Don’t be boring
If you look at the study mentioned above, you’ll see that 36 percent of the male matches just opened with a greeting; “hey”, “hi” etc. Yawn.
Granted, saying “hi” is an improvement on total silence but it’s hardly stimulating. You want her to feel engaged in the conversation with a reason to respond.
On to the questions
Questions are such a great way to open. They’re giving her such an easy entry into the conversation since all she has to do is answer it.
There are a few different themes you can choose from here depending on your personality and hers.
Focus on her exciting memories and achievements
No matter the context or medium, the easiest way to keep a conversation going is to have her talk about her. She’s the most interesting person in her life — That goes for each of us.
That means talking about her positive experiences is going to be that much more engaging. It’s also allowing some positive association with you, too.
Here are some examples. Be sure to link them in with what you observe from her profile — if it’s relevant.
“That’s an impressive collection of travel pics. What’s your favorite memory from your travels?”
“Pretty sure I’ve climbed that mountain. Is that in Utah?”
“Captain Emma, huh? Very impressive. How long have you been a commercial pilot?”
“I’m actually planning a trip to Spain for August. Was it amazing as the photos make it out to be?”
“A fellow traveler I see. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?”
Serious questions on silly topics
These are all about the cheap laugh. There’s no easier way to start a fun conversation than to begin it with a laugh, right?
“I think we’re at that point in our relationship where I have to ask you a very serious question. . . plain or peanut M&M’s?”
My favorite matches are the ones that let this question devolve into an entire, faux-heated debate over why peanut M&M’s are (obviously) better.
The mini quiz
The concept for this one is simple and entirely re-usable. Create some type of multiple choice question. You’d be surprised just how effective it is!
“Hello and welcome to Ash’s quiz show. The game is simple. Below are two facts and a lie about me. Choose the right one and you’re a step closer to the coveted first date!
1. I have a legitimate man crush on Harvey Specter
2. I grew up on an Ostrich farm
3. I speak fluent French but am always too embarrassed to use it
In case you’re wondering, #3 is the lie. My French is terrible! Naturally, conversation comes easy off the back of this, even though most get it wrong.
Truth or dare
Does this question even need an explanation? Be sure to have a few responses lined up for whichever option she chooses.
The reason this kind of works is that it’s such a cliche that it’s ironically fun. It also lends itself well to turning the conversation more sexual quickly if she seems the type.
A personal favorite of mine and a go-to for blank profiles. Again, designed for the cheap laugh to get the conversation started.
Bonus points when these dad jokes are followed up with a relevant gif.
Here’s a recent exchange I had with my favorite dad joke/gif combo:
Me: “I have an important question for you. How does a penguin build his house?”
Her: “Do they even live in houses?”
Me: “Of course they do! You think they stay looking that sharp sleeping outside?”
Her: “Haha well played. Okay, I have no idea.”
Me: “Igloos it together!”
One word of caution here though. Some women just don’t appreciate that type of humor so be sure to have something up your sleeve.
A matching sense of humor is very high on my priority list, so I’m okay with letting the flat responses slide. If you do want to pursue it though, consider it a fresh conversation. Choose another, more match-appropriate opening and try again.
The thing about openers is the good ones can rarely be reused. The examples given above will give you some inspiration to get you started. From there, pay a little attention to her profile and get creative. Remember that nobody wants to feel like just a number. Opening with some type of reference to her profile is a great way to demonstrate genuine interest.
While dating apps are a numbers game to some extent, try to avoid that attitude. Instead, spend a little time selecting women you’re truly interested in. It goes a long way and you’ll have a much better time doing it.
Humour and wit are widely appreciated and quite easy once you get the hang of it. Go ahead, try out some of the examples above and let me know what else you come up with.
My dear friends,
I recently did a radio interview on the topic of Worst First Date Stories Ever. I had asked people to submit their stories online for the show. A number of people submitted stories, but there was not enough time on air to cover them all. Here are the stories of some people's worst first date experiences. If you have a first date disaster story to share, please share it in the comments of this post.
My favorite brewery is where I took lots of first dates, and my date commented on the appearance of the server and presumed she was pregnant -and asked her... She was NOT pregnant, and the server chastised us both soundly, then carried on with the excellent customer service she and that bar are well known for. Her resilience was legendary. Needless to say the vibe was dead and my date left early. I apologized profusely to the server and it's still my favorite bar/restaurant to this day. What in learned was: Lead the conversation and exercise zero tolerance of disrespect towards those you care for even if it means ending one of the hottest dates you've ever had.
Never had a disastrous first date personally.
However, I am shooting a documentary entitled "Who Farted?"
A section deals with the time when you can fart in front of your partner as a key passage in love. (Farting on a first date?) Seriously.
-Albert Nerenberg, Documentary Filmmaker
After several attempts at scheduling a date because of dog sitting issues, we finally meet for dinner. He had just returned from a vacation with his dog. Just the 2 of them. Very cute, right? Or creepy, whatever. He seemed to be nice enough. While at dinner he explained how they had a lovely relaxing time (yes, him & the dog), he’s had to hire 3 dog sitters because the dog was bored of the first 2, satisfied with his job, and now looking to form the next phase of his life. I’m listening, answering his questions, engaging in conversation. He says to me “you know I feel so comfortable with you. Like I can share anything with you.” “Aww that’s very sweet thank you!” Right? He leans in and says “I want to share something personal with you”. “I am flattered. Please feel free.“ “You know I really love my dog.” Yes, I do. “I love playing with him. We love playing with each other. He really gets me through some of the loneliness I feel, sometimes.” “Of course. That’s awesome that you have the dog in your life to help you through those times. People underestimate how much companionship, caring, love, and responsibility a dog provides. Some people treat their dogs as they would a child.” “I’m so glad to hear you say that. So many people don’t understand that kind of feeling you get from a pet. In fact, I’d like to tell you something else.” [Leans in closer]. “I play with my dog naked.” “WHAT?” “Yes, I mean, the dog is naked; why shouldn’t I be? I really like the feeling of his fur on my naked body.” I get up from the table. He says” where are you going? Are you offended by this?” "Oh, absolutely not. I just forgot that I had to play with my cat".
Behavioral Scientist and Creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,
Well I went out for dinner once with this guy . After dinner in the car ride home . He insisted I give him oral sex while he was driving!!! He bought dinner and I owed him! First red light I hopped out of the car. Scary first date.
I offered to get her a drink. She turned it down. Then after the meal when it felt to me like there was NO chemistry she started to order drinks. By the 3rd one in she threw up on her way to the bathroom lol. I kept thinking she would stop ordering them and finally I just paid the bill and said "I gotta go!" Apparently she thought we had a "connection" lol
We had gone out to dinner - he complained about everything. I knew I definitely wouldn't be seeing him again, but figured maybe I could at least get some sex out of it. He didn't know how to kiss, and his other skills were laughable. I stopped him before we even finished getting naked because I was trying so hard not to laugh and just said "You can go now".
One disaster was he asked me out and he picked the restaurant when I said I found it pricey he said don't worry and so I assumed he was paying. I ordered a $15 dollar drink. When the bill came he split the bill in half and told me what my share was and he wasn't even interesting to talk too!
I once had a girl on a date and she was flirting with the waiter at the restaurant and a different waiter spilled sauce on me by accident. Then we went to a bar and she was talking to another guy most of the night. And then on the way home she asked me to pull over so she can puke.
-David, Project Manager
I was talking to a guy this week who said the past two women he met for coffee were very disappointing, so would I be open to doing a Skype date before we actually meet? You know, so he isn’t wasting his time...wow. Pass.
-Carrie, Public Relationships
I do remember the first time I had a date, I essentially threw up before meeting the girl I had been long distance dating over the internet for 9 months, and was so self hating towards myself that she "just friended" me. I can't really remember much of anything other than she concluded I was really boring. It was pretty terrible to hear on my end and definitely tore me up inside for months when she told me.
I spent a month talking to someone every night online. Upon meeting face to face for the first time, he arrived grabbing me and french kissing them as the first hello - Not cool. What saved him at the time is he was nice, and he kissed great LOL!!
She had also noticed that I hadn't put that I was looking for long-term dating on my OKC profile, but she decided to wait until we met in person to bring up with me that she was looking for long-term herself. I emphasized to her that, in fact, I wasn't looking for that at that point and that it might be best for us to call it a day if we were at that kind of impasse. She broke down crying in front of me, saying things like "All men want the same thing; I should just give up" and, somewhere in there, told me that she didn't trust the diagnosis her psychiatrist had given her of borderline personality disorder. Finally, she somewhat collected herself and said with a lot of tension in her voice, "You know...I may really wind up kicking myself for this...but I wouldn't be ENTIRELY opposed to seeing you again."
-Roger, Office Manager
New York, USA
Because I dated out of towners after my divorce, we would meet at a hotel, sharing the room, but with two single beds. - At the hotel, the lady at the front desk wanted to change our room with two single beds to a large king sized bed- assuming we were married. Awkward.
Girl pursues me and I am confident she has finally come around to my advances on social media. So we go out for a drink and appetizers which turned into dinner and by the time I spent some good coin, she told me "it's complicated" and already has a boyfriend.
I was taken to see Silence of the Lambs as a first date - and not given the context of the movie. I was scared to walk home for months after.
And then there was the guy who told me he could not afford a flavor shot in his coffee at Starbucks...and proceeded to try to sell me his photos of a topless ex-girlfriend. We were standing in line at the Starbucks inside the Barnes and Noble, I laughed, and he said, "No, really, I don't know how I am going to pay my rent this month." So, I bought the coffee. And then, he proceeded to tell me that his ex-wife (or ex-girlfriend?) had continued to support him, because he was waiting for a disability settlement for a work accident. But, it had just been approved and he only had to get through the next three months. And we talked some more, about work, etc. And, he mentioned being a musician and a photographer. And I asked if he could use his photography (which was art) to make money for a few weeks, And he told me he had some of his photos in his car, and proceeded to show them to me on his phone. Include some of a topless woman. I finished my coffee, and he said "Do you want to hang out next weekend?" and I said "no thank you".
-Dante Spetter, PhD.
Clinical psychologist and dating, divorce, and parenting coach
We met online, she had only photos of her face, a bit filtered. However, I decided to take the risk. When I saw her I already knew she wasn’t my type. However, I always try to be a gentleman in situations like that and not to hurt people. I set out to have a nice evening and dinner with another human being. We went to a restaurant, sat and started talking. It was quite nice, she seemed interested in me, but I kept it casual. Our food arrived, and in the middle of the course she took out nasal spray, put it into her nostrils and took big breaths with all the expected sound effects.
-Merlin Moroz, Dating Coach
I once went on a blind date set up by a friend of a friend. When we met, which was at a pretty fancy restaurant located in little Italy, I couldn’t get past his mannerisms. Also, the fact that he was newly divorced of two months, turned me off. He wasn’t very articulate or funny, which he thought he was, and I laughed at his jokes regardless, just to be polite. A half hour into the drinks before supper, he leaves to go to the bathroom and I text my friend at full speed! “Angie!!!! Call me in about five minutes and sound panicked on the phone! Just make up something so I can get out of this date!!” He came back less than five minutes later and sat down. We of course started chit chatting a little and the phone goes off! Angie - “Hey, I know you’re on your date but your son is sick and you must come home!” I rolled my eyes, thinking "she couldn’t have used a better excuse?” Me putting on the theatrics - “Oh no! Ok, give him some children’s Tylenol and I’ll be right over!” So while I excused myself to the blind date, he walked me to my car and asked “Can we do this again next week?” I looked at him and replied - “I don’t think so! Good luck!” He stood back and I got into my car and left. I couldn’t lie anymore! It was eating at me. I had to be honest. “Sorry buddy, you’re not my type!” Lol
So, I went on a date with this gentleman. I had met him at a party and he was friends with someone I know. We talked the whole party and he seemed very intelligent, funny, nice. Maybe not completely my type but I wasn't necessarily ready for anything serious at that point. Now, I wouldn't ordinarily do these things, but because he was a friend's best friend, I was a little more relaxed about how I handle dates. So I met him somewhere, then he drove from there. We went to Annapolis and just had some food. Then, he showed me where his parents boat was. (And he still lived at home with them...yep) We saw the boat, and then he proceeded to pee off the end of the pier. Unashamedly. When we got back to my car and we were sitting in his car before I was getting out, he took my arm and licked it from the bottom to almost the top. I wasn't having that. Very nice person, maybe not ideal for someone like me lol
-Piper Grey, USA
If you have a first date disaster story you would like to share,
post your story in the comments below!
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