Helping a Depressed Spouse

Before we dive into this article on how to help a depressed spouse, I want to reach out and say that you have as much support out there for you as a partner of a depressed spouse as well.It is not easy to be a caregiver even if you're not full time caring for a partner. And you may be working full time and they may even be working full time, but being in a position where you are supporting somebody with depression is hard and that should be acknowledged.

As the partner, you'll want to do what you can to help the person that you love, and that's both admirable and part of the unwritten rule of a relationship. When one of you needs to fall, the other one catches and holds them up until they can stand again. Unfortunately, with depression, that's much harder to do because the person falling generally tends to stay there. As depression isn't something that is easy to manage for them, it's also not going to be easy to manage for you. But we've put together a list of things that you can do to help to support your depressed spouse.

Speak To Your Partner From A Place Of Love Not Judgement

1. Pay attention to behavioral changes.
   
   As you may already know, depression is quite the rollercoaster. There are ups and there are downs, and the downs can be terrifying. If you're noticing the behavioral changes, you'll be more alert to the signs and symptoms of the depression getting worse or moving into a harder stage.If you don't accept your partner's not taking their medication, that can be particularly difficult. But sometimes partners on medication for depression don't just feel like the depression is gone, but that all their feelings are gone, that their libido is gone, that their ability to hold an erection or to or to want to have sex is gone. ED pills can help, but it doesn't help their ego. Paying attention to any changes that are occurring is going to help you to know what the triggers are and whether or not they are slumping back into a phase again.
   
   
2. Start the conversation.
   
   If you notice things start to slip, then you need to open the discussion about your concerns and what you've noticed. Unfortunately, with depression, the person who's suffering with it is likely going to take that on as theirs and blame themselves. And that's going to make you want to apologize for how you feel and box it back in. But you shouldn't. You need to speak out of love rather than in a harsh and critical or judgmental tone, and you need to make sure that you are not engendering defensiveness. If you notice depression symptoms of scaling up, take yourself for some counseling as well so that you have support.
   
   
3. Empathize.
   
   This can be very difficult if you're with somebody for a long time and they suffer from depression. Empathy is hard because at some stage you feel like this should be better now.It's unfortunate to hear that society has stigmatized mental health so much that your partner may not want to seek any help. But your empathy is going to make a big difference. Many who struggle with depression will often feel ashamed of their depression or embarrassed about it or guilty for it, so making sure that you are there to listen and support can help.
   
   
4. Acknowledge how they're feeling for you.
   
   The things that they're upset about, all the things that help them spiral into depression, won't feel like they matter very much. But that's not the case for somebody with depression. For them, it's the worst thing in the world, and acknowledging their perspective is going to help them to feel like you actually do support them. If they deny that there is a problem or blame it on something like stress at work, or rationalize it because of circumstances, be patient, but be persistent in expressing your concern out of your love.
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5. You cannot fix it.
   
   ​One of the best ways to help a depressed spouse is to realize that you are not going to fix their depression. Do you know why? Because depression cannot be fixed. There is no simple fix for depression because healing is a process and even then the depression stays forever. You can love and support them, you can seek to understand them, but it's not your issue to fix. Ultimately, they have to want to get better and they have to do the work, and that means medication and therapy and finding the right balance. If they're not willing to do that work, that's when you'll have a moral question to ask yourself.