Your opinion matters. Read more to learn how to make sure your voice is heard in your relationship.
While relationships are a place to love that person and share life with them, they can run on power dynamics over time. There’s usually one person who takes charge, or who is meant to at least. Sometimes, it’s a pure democracy. Ideally, both are assertive in their own manner, and is willing to discuss anything with the other person. This is why people often say ‘opposites attract,’ because if you imagine two puzzle pieces fitting together snugly, you need one person of a certain shape to best connect to someone of another.
However, it might be that despite being an assertive person, you usually err too much on the side of the ‘democratic ideal’ whenever you’re connected to someone in this manner. It might be that learning techniques to be more ‘positively assertive,’ can be more than worthwhile, and help the relationship flourish once more. We’re not talking of the need to boss the other around, because that will only breed animosity. Rather, it’s important to consider how you could be more playful, decide more things, and perhaps actualize yourself more in the relationship instead of letting the other do all the work.
Here’s what that might look like:
A Token Of Appreciation
Words can often be a great idea when trying to communicate your love, but often, actions speak louder. A token of appreciation could be many things, but for the most part, it is best embodied in gifts and experiences. For example, check out Tacori’s limited edition jewelry collection to ensure your partner feels amazing during their upcoming birthday celebrations. Something handcrafted can often work brilliantly too, as it emphasizes someone willing and ready to work on the love you both share. Simply giving a gift, sometimes at random, sometimes in a targeted fashion can show you’re always willing to win their approval and know that even after marriage, sweeping them off their feet is never a finished thing.
Often, the worst thing to say is ‘I don’t know, what do you want to do?’ It might be that your partner is tired of choosing where you eat, what movie you see, or what you do for the evening. Being a little more assertive and actually more truthful to that you wish to do can help you take charge, and that’s exciting for the other person. After all, they want to know what helps you enjoy life, and they wish to share your personality. If you leave everything up to them, you’ll struggle to make any progress at all.
Don’t Skirt Around Topics
It can often be quite easy to just jump around topics and sweep them under the rug. But actually, being more assertive means tackling them head-on. Perhaps your partner embarrassed you in front of their friends, and you wish to let them know you don’t appreciate that. Perhaps you are tired of always doing something their way. Perhaps you want them to help out more around the house. If you bottle feelings, you’re just going to have them explode out later in an unhealthy manner. To this end, you might find yourself worried. It’s always best to just communicate well. This way, bad relationships will end and good relationships will bloom.
With these tips, you’re sure to be more positively assertive in your relationships.
Learn 5 top tips on how to personalize your wedding in this loving post.
When it comes to weddings, everyone definitely has their own way of doing things and their own unique style, but the problem is that there really seems to still be a lot of pressure to do things a certain way and adhere to tradition.
Although tradition certainly isn’t a bad thing, when it comes to something as personal as your wedding, it can be easy to go overboard with the traditions and have things that end up feeling stuffy and impersonal, which is really not something you want to have associated with your wedding that you’re going to be looking back on for the rest of your lives.
So, if you’re looking to have a wedding that really reflects your personality and is unique to you and your partner, then in this post we’re going to share with you some of our top tips for how to make your wedding more personal.
Personalize your save-the-date cards:
The concept of the save-the-date card has been around for many years already, and is something that comes before the formal invitation. Basically a save-the-date card is just that - something that informs people of your intention to get married on a certain date and this will even be sent up to one year before your wedding or when you officially lock down the date so that people have plenty of time to plan ahead by doing things like arranging time off from work, etc, unlike in the past when things were just said verbally and then an invitation would arrive a few weeks before the big day.
However, when save-the-date cards first became a thing, they were quite simple and really just aimed to fit one purpose and often they weren’t very personal or individual, but nowadays there are so many options to get creative with these and really tailor them to your personality and to the theme of your wedding.
So, for example, couples who may be getting married abroad may consider having something that resembles and air mail envelope, a baggage tag, or even an airline ticket/boarding pass as their save-the-date.
A couple who come from different countries may consider something like a passport style or even a visa stamp - anything that really reflects them as people and that forms part of their love story.
Another example could be a couple who share a hobby or interest that plays a role in how they met could theme their save-the-date cards to reflect that.
Design your own rings:
Wedding rings have always been a big part of the wedding iteself and since you’re going to be wearing them for a large portion of your life, then it’s important that you pick something you like and that really suits your style and personality.
However, it’s not as easy as you might think to choose a wedding ring because there are simply so many options out there to choose from, so one way around this is to get your own rings designed and made especially for your wedding.
There are many places where you can go to have a women’s and mens ring just for you designed the way you really want it and that truly captures who you are as people, both individually and as a couple.
Have a theme that means something to you both:
Again, the theme of your wedding is often quite difficult to choose because it’s something that there are a lot of options for, and if you’re like most people then you probably both have a varied degree of interests among you both, so it’s really not something that’s going to come incredibly easily - especially not when you start looking online for inspiration and find yourself nearly drooling over everything you see there.
That being said, if you want to have a wedding that’s more personal to you and your partner, then you could consider this in your theme and go with something that’s personal to you as a couple and that really highlights your relationship and your love story.
It could be a theme to do with travel if that’s how you met, it could be a shared interest or hobby or it could be around a certain song or movie - really anything that matters to you both, so a good idea is to sit down together and look at your relationship and see where you could possibly find some theme ideas to really make your wedding more personal to you both.
Make your own favors and centerpieces:
Although these will ultimately be part of your theme and decor, if you’re really looking for some additional personal touches, then instead of going with some standard floral centerpieces or the usual favors, then you can get creative and make your own to match the overall theme of the wedding and to really highlight your personalities and your relationship.
You could even do things like mixed favors, so you could have different ones for men and women - or different ones created by each of you and then lay them all on the tables for guests.
Combine tradition with your personality:
As mentioned at the start of this post, a lot of weddings really take the tradition thing a bit far which can cause the essence and personality of the couple to become a bit lost, and whilst having some tradition can definitely be nice, it’s a good idea to combine your personality in there, too.
So, for example, some couples will do things like instead of having a slow, romantic song for their first dance, they’ll create a dance together as a sort of show for their guests, there could be the bride giving a speech which isn’t traditionally done at weddings, or there have even been weddings where the couple have hired a flash mob and surprised their guests with this.
It’s not about trying to stand out and be funny for the sake of it, but it’s about truly injecting your personality into the wedding and having it showing who you are, and of course it’s also about having fun.
Online dating is a great way to meet new people, even if you don't think you have the time to date. Read on to learn 5 signs that online dating is right for you.
We, Homo sapiens love to be loved. It's our inherent propensity. As our elders often describe that love is not something that you acquire by your crafting skills, but you embrace it with your dedicated emotion and heartfelt intuition. There is an ancient myth about love that it just happens to us. Like it is just a cosmic conspiracy but love doesn't always work in that way.
Love is more like an attempted initiative. We feel a certain ecstatic adrenaline rush within ourselves when love actually happens. To love and be loved, you have to have certain traits in your possession that serve your purpose when they are being needed. Not to mention, most of us if not every one of us deeply desires to be with someone. We fascinate ourselves in an alluring and romantic relationship where both live happily ever after. But detecting 'The One' for anyone is not entirely a very smooth operation. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime.
But right now, we do have a tool to ease up our devoted efforts of finding a partner and that is 'Online Dating'. It offers you a huge number of alternatives to choose from. One of the many exciting dating platforms is DoULike.com. Many a site even provides various cross-matching opportunities so that we become aware of the opposite person a little bit beforehand. But if you're genuinely considering online dating, you just don't want to indulge in blindly. Eventually, there happens to be many reasons to confirm that online dating is just the thing for you.
1. IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO COMMUNICATE FACE TO FACE
Behaviour and etiquette function differently in different individuals. Some are energetic, some are erratic whereas some happen to be shy and wary in front of others. Many of us develop a habit of hanging out with the same crowd day after day. Consequently, we get into a precise comfort zone that we almost forget and overlook the tools to communicate with someone in person.
2. YOU DON'T GO OUT VERY OFTEN
We all get into a phase at times where we do not travel much, don't go out often and nonetheless, at those times we even don't try to attend any social events, and so we are less likely to meet new people. Thus, we become domesticated and feel more comfortable interacting with new people virtually.
3. YOU LIKE TO COMMUNICATION BY TEXT
Due to a lack of self-confidence, some people are too afraid to make eye contact or any kind of face to face approach. They are intimidated to be in a public gathering, or in a face to face conversation with someone. They find that they are much more comfortable behind a keyboard, where there is no gesture of visual communication. Online dating is a great way for this type of person to meet new people.
4. YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A CHANGE
Dating should also be fun. If you're had a heartbreak, or have been single for a long time online dating can be a fun way for you to start dating again. Some sites can charge a fee for a membership, but if you budget carefully or have the money to invest freely, this can be a great opportunity for you.
5. YOU HAVE A VERY BUSY SCHEDULE
In today's chaotic lifestyle, it's very easy to become overwhelmed in the process of daily life to consider dating. So many people have so little time after work, and with family commitments, errands, and hobbies there is very little spare time left.
Online dating has become one of the most convenient ways to search for a partner because the online dating sites work for you. Using your search criteria, they work around the clock to find you people that match your preferences. It doesn't matter what are you doing, you can find your compatible partner online anytime!
"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two."
- Pillow Talk Gal
Your wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life. However, as magical as it may be, there’s no escaping the fact that it’s over in just a few hours. That being said, the memories of the amazing time you had can, thankfully, last forever. From photographs to replica cakes, there are lots of ways to preserve your wedding day memories. Your big day may only happen once, but with these seven creative tips, you can relive the wonderful time you had again and again.
1. Keep A Planning Journal
Planning a wedding is a major task, which is why most brides keep all of their ideas and research in one place, like a planning journal. Rather than throw this away once your big day is over, you should add to it and keep it as a lovely memento. You can use it to write about your proposal, keep fabric samples for your dress, and even draft your vows. Any sort of journal will do for this task, but you may want to decorate yours or spring for something a little fancier.
2. Take Some Beautiful Snaps
When it comes to wedding mementos, photographs are the option most couples first thing of. After all, a picture can tell a thousand words. That being said, not all wedding photos are on the same level. If you want to enjoy looking at yours for years to come, then ensure you shop around for someone with lots of experience, like Rachel Howden Photography. To see your wedding from other perspectives, you may also want to give your guests some disposable cameras.
3. Get It On Video
Although wedding pictures are crucial, it’s just as important that you have a videographer on hand. This will allow you to relive your wedding vows, your first dance, and view must-see candid moments of your guests. Unless you capture your big day on video, you’ll miss out on this opportunity and only see a small fraction of what went on during the biggest day of your life. Just like with photographers, you should ensure you find a videographer with skills and experience.
4. Stash The Wine Bottles
Wine, Prosecco, and champagne are classic beverages almost every couple offers at their wedding. Rather than throwing away all of your empty bottles, you should keep one or two for later. After being cleaned, these can then be used to store petals from your bouquet, confetti from your ceremony, or even well-wishes from your guests. You could also keep a few full bottles to drink together at your wedding anniversary celebrations.
5. Create A Cake Replica
After spending so much on something so beautiful, most new couples decide to keep a tier of their wedding cake and freeze it for later. The only issue with this is that so many things could go wrong. Your cake just might not taste the same after being frozen, or freezer problems could leave it ruined. For this reason, you may want to eat the entire thing sooner rather than later. To keep the memory of it alive, you can take pictures of it and hire an artist to create a clay replica.
6. Makeover Your Wedding Dress
Wedding gowns are garments that are typically only worn once. Instead of leaving your dress to gather dust in a closet, you should consider giving it a makeover. You could turn it into a skirt, for example, or even alter it to create a shorter, more casual dress. This will allow you to wear your gown whenever you feel like it. If you can’t bear the thought of this, then you could take some lace from your gown and use it to create jewelry. This way, your dress can always be with you.
7. Press The Bridal Bouquet
With flowers as beautiful as the ones in your wedding bouquet, it can seem a shame only to enjoy them for one day. Thankfully, you don’t have to. As long as you keep your flowers close to you, or order another bouquet to toss to the ladies, you can preserve them for later. There are lots of ways to do this, but one of the most popular is pressing them. This is a traditional and simple way to preserve your flowers, which you can then frame and display in your home.
Your wedding may only last for one day, but, with these sentimental and creative tips, you can create keepsakes that you can enjoy for a lifetime.
It recently came to my attention that a fan of my work has tattooed various parts of my life's work on his inner bicep. I did not believe it until I saw some photos of it.
HE TATTOOED THE ENA THEORIES ON HIS INNER BICEP
Truly I am blessed to have my work touch people so much, that someone would tattoo it on their bodies.
I am touched and honored today to find out that someone valued my original emotional needs theories so much (my life work in dating and relationship coaching) that he TATTOOED them on his body. Just WOW.
What an testament to how my work is helping others
I am so honored. It feel really nice to have such an homage to my work.
TESTIMONIAL BY TATTOO
One of my core beliefs is that the quality of your life is a reflection of the quality of your relationships, so I think it’s definitely something to strive to meet your partners needs as best as possible as well as make sure your own needs are met.
Your Emotional Needs Analysis Mastery System of men and women has helped me understand what can help build a relationship and what can also lead to it’s demise if needs are not addressed or even worse violated.
They are something I want to stay mindful of going forward throughout my life so I can focus on making my relationship as strong as possible.
Here are some images of my tattoos to show the placement better.
I’ve got a cheat sheet concept going on my arm like your cheating on a test but it’s all life lessons.
So I added those tattoos for emotional needs in relationships and I'd always liked the S.L.A.P. Theory (From Creepy To Charisma: The Art of Calibrationprogram).
It also doesn’t hurt that when I first learned of them I was a single 20 year old guy, and now I’m in a great relationship with the most supportive person I’ve ever met and have a beautiful daughter who is about to turn 3 in a few months.
Life is good and part of that in my opinion is because of your work.
-Review by Anon,
Toronto Ontario Canada
However, that being said, there’s no need to panic. If you are smart about how you go about it, you can plan the most incredible day. Want to know what it takes to do that - then have a read of the tips and ideas below.
The first step to take is to spend some time getting inspired. If you are going to plan the most incredible day, then you need to take some time to get inspired. The key to having a magical day that no one will ever forget is having the right inspiration. This can also help to remove some of the stress and worry that comes with wedding planning, which is why it’s worthwhile taking the time to get inspired. When it comes to seeking inspiration, one of the best sources to gain that inspiration from is Pinterest, as there are plenty of ideas available on there. Take the time to have a browse of the different wedding boards and make you own to save any ideas that you love to it.
Put a plan of action in place
If you don’t fancy working with a wedding planner, then you need to ensure that you have a carefully thought out plan of action in place for the entirety of your wedding, including the lead up to it. You need to ensure that you know exactly what needs to happen when and what needs to be done to ensure that everything happens on time. You need to think about everything from choosing your wedding outfits to how you will capture the day, such as by hiring a wedding photographer or videographer like Perfect Moment. You need to do all of your booking far in advance, from the venue to the band, to ensure that you don’t end up not being able to have the wedding that you’ve dreamed of.
The key to organizing a wedding with minimal stress is getting a little help. While you may not want professional help, you may want to get help from the wedding party. If you ask the bridesmaids or groomsmen to help, they will most probably be happy to do so, after all, getting more involved is what being in the wedding party is all about.
There you have it, a few useful tips for planning the most amazing wedding without any of the stress that normally comes with it. Yes, planning a wedding tends to be stressful, but the fact is that if you are smart about how you go about it, you can make the process far simpler and easier, with the key being organization.
Top 5 Rules for Taking 2019 by the Proverbial Balls
New Year, New Me....we hear it all the time. But how many of us really mean it?
There are a lot of negative posts floating around on social media about 2018 and a lot of optimism about 2019.
This is going to be the year, apparently, that everyone with an Instagram or facebook account change everything.
I love the romanticism of the idea, but it’s kind of the same story every year and a lot of hype goes into the New Year and its symbolism.
I think it’s fabulous to “review” the year- what went wrong, what went right, what didn’t change and what needs to change. Kind of an inventory check aka self- reflection.
The reality is most of us are probably going to party way too hard tonight and wake up nursing one of the worst hangovers of the “new year”. Ah, maybe the New Year resolutions can start on the 2 nd of January instead of tomorrow?
Either way, doing my own self-reflection I pin-pointed a few things that I need to change or at least be mindful of this year.
1.) Respect Time.
I love this quote. I think Buddha meant this more universally about being present and mindful, but it applies to punctuality, too. I have noticed, and so have others (cough, cough) that I tend to leave things a little to the last minute, especially when it comes to being “on time”.
Whether it’s for a meeting, work, getting my son to school, showing up to a scheduled dinner, etc- I always seem to be “just on time”, a few minutes late or some natural disaster prevented me from showing up anywhere near on time.
It’s a problem.
And it’s rude.
I always say how much I hate it when people waste my time by cancelling meetings, not showing up, making me wait, etc.- so why do I feel that it is excusable for me to do the exact same thing to others? It’s not. When I owned my yoga/fitness studio I would be livid if I didn’t start one of my classes on time for whatever reason or if an instructor came in late with car trouble excuses yet a room full of clients waiting to start the class. It was my show, though...and if anything happened on my watch, I was accountable.
Lately I seem to be making a lot of excuses to myself and others about my punctuality and that is going to change out of respect to the others that it affects. Time is money, we all know this, but is also a verbal contract with the other person when a meeting is set; whether it is drinks with a friend or an early meeting with colleagues, punctuality does matter and a lack thereof doesn’t go unnoticed. I used to work for a film producer and we had a lot of meetings with directors, actors and other very animated characters, one famous porn star in particular was always late...if she showed at all.
Sitting at a famous restaurant in Beverly Hills waiting for her one day, the producer said to me “5 minutes late is understandable, 10 is annoying and anything over 15 minutes is just rude”. That stayed with me but hasn’t exactly been applied, until now. The president of the radio station I work with now takes it another degree higher and says “showing up on time means you are late. Always plan for something to go wrong and show up early”.
Food for thought and advice I will take with me into 2019. I don’t think I will be joining the 5am club, but maybe setting the alarm a bit earlier. Baby steps.
2.) Find and nurture love
I have wrestled with this one a lot over the course of my life so far. A lot of important people have come and gone from my bubble over the years, and I am not referring to death- just leaving or being left. I am also not just referring to romantic love, but the ability to trust, love and release your entire being to another with full confidence. Going through my parents divorce in my teenage years and my own in my thirties was not fun or easy. Not that it ever is. I can admit that I have abandonment issues which probably prematurely wrecked or sabotaged some other very important relationships with people I cared about in the past.
For that, I am sorry. I put up the walls and always used that “you can’t fire me because I quit” mentality if anyone got too close and I thought I could get hurt.
Fight or flight?
It ultimately doesn’t do anyone any favors and is a fabulous way to cheat myself out of a lot of goodness. In some cases, crazy just has to go but they are the exceptions to the rule. There is a communication gap in a lot of relationships and it needs to be filled, as painful as it may be at the time, it HAS to be filled. We all have, will be or are going through relationship issues- whether they are friendships, romantic, parental or professional. It is very easy to look back and dwell on the past, to dissect it and get caught up in details and existential grief. It is much harder to just be where you are.
Breath it in, soak it in and take that inventory again of who IS in your life right now that brings love, joy, happiness and focus on nurturing and growing those relationships. Learning to soften and let go into the arms of love- be that of a child, lover or friend...to really open up, be vulnerable and soak in love.
Listen, learn and love.
It is such a cliché, but its an inside job and it starts with one’s self...which leads me to number three;
3.) Radical Self Care
For a new mom, this could be as simple as a 30 minute (ok, fifteen?) bath with candles and soft zen music as someone watches the baby. Just TAKE TIME to be alone. I have been learning this as time marches on.
My son is almost twelve, so the new mom category is out for me, but I have been doing this a lot lately. Reading more, watching movies, sleeping in, going to the gym... just unplugging from life
when I can etch out a few minutes, hours...whatever.
Just making sure I do this every day makes being a single mom with two jobs actually fun. Here’s another cliché, but we all know that you will never be able to love or give of yourself freely if you don’t take the time to nurture and honor yourself. Running around in thirty different directions most of the time is a reality for most single working parents with a child in sports...but carving out that “me” time and making it a DAILY ritual is the key to not only functioning but thriving in light and love.
Take that trip! Hang out with that girl from high school who messaged you out of the blue on Facebook. Disconnect so you have more room to fully connect.
It’s like charging your phone...it eventually dies if you don’t charge it, right? It’s not about being selfish, its about self preservation and ultimately, getting that glow back. Maybe its not a brand new wardrobe or expensive surgeries- but a pretty new top, or a hair cut, or a massage up north at a thermal spa.
Get militant with protecting your downtime.
Say NO more.
Do LESS when you can and don’t need to be overextending for useless gatherings with people you don’t care about.
Networking is amazing, but in small organized doses. That’s what it has been for me lately- prioritizing my time and making sure I am giving myself enough of that yummy me time.
4.) Be Kind
It’s that simple.
As a former yoga teacher I learned a lot from my students. The most important lesson is to back off on the knee-jerk judgement calls on people.
You honestly never really know what the other person has been or is going through. EVERYONE has a story. Take the time to smile at strangers, but not in a creepy way, of course, and preferably not in a public bathroom.
Just be gentle with people.
Not everyone is out to get you, and some people may be on the verge of some pretty dark stuff that you know nothing about. Give your clothes away to a shelter, buy a homeless person a meal or at least a coffee or tea, tip more than you normally do if the waiter/waitress went out of their way to serve you with a smile even though they could be having a horrible day.
It doesn’t take much to do something nice for someone everyday and it doesn’t have to cost a thing. It could just be a compliment, opening a door, asking someone how they are doing... whatever.
I find you get treated the way you treat people.
Maybe just simple karmic law, but I plan on finding a lot more ways to, simply put, be nice.
(Side note: Don’t be a fool either ...some people don’t deserve your energy. Learn how to read this carefully and donate that energy accordingly. Know when to trust your gut and move on).
5.) Be grateful
One of my friends on Facebook posted something yesterday that instantly got me thinking about how grateful I am for everything I am and have.
I am far from perfect and there is a laundry list of things that I
need to work on, from my physical health to career goals to finding a really good hair treatment... just constantly striving to better myself.
But I have my health, ten fingers, ten toes, my beautiful son and family, friends, a great career, love, both my parents are healthy and alive...another nephew is on the way soon.
I am so blessed and the gifts keep growing. So, this friend on Facebook posted about someone in his life who was in a wheel chair for 30 years, and now entering into their last quarter of life, a woman who broke a leg or a hip or something...and all of his pictures were of her as a young woman; healthy, beautiful, strong and then a photo of her in a wheel chair lifting weights at what looked like about eighty years old in a hospital somewhere.
DAMN! I thought.
It really is all about how we look at things/situations and our attitude that can get us in or out of a positive mind set.
Sometimes I hear people complaining about really trivial stuff (I need to lose 20 lbs, guys don’t hit on me anymore, I can’t afford XYZ, I am not smart enough, good looking enough, etc) and I will admit I get caught up in the negative self talk myself at times, but the important thing to remember is these fighters.
Never getting caught up in a defeatist mindset, rather focusing on the end game.
I guess that is what it comes down to this time of year.
I said “baby steps” before, and while I do
believe the small changes add up to the big ones, I think selling ourselves short of our wildest dreams is
Tonight, as everyone is out partying,
I am going to set down some pretty lofty goals for 2019
because I know I can attain them.
Shoot for the moon,
because even if you don’t reach you will still end
up with the stars, right?
Happy New Year! Cheers to owning 2019
About The Author
Carrie Joyner is
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Are you looking to help someone who is in a toxic relationship? What is a toxic relationship?
Learn more in this contributed post.
The compulsion to explore whether you’re in a toxic relationship could be due to; your own perception of your relationship or your concern over someone else's, the suggestion by another that you are in a bad relationship without your awareness, or even the thought that you may be the perpetrator, the victim or that both of you in the relationship are accomplices in being abusive to one another. This post sets the foundation for how we can stop violence against women and men, by gaining an understanding of how we interpret toxic relationships, identifying some of the common mechanisms of an abusive relationship, to having faith in your own self-awareness and taking steps to prevent, stop abuse or leave a relationship entirely.
How Do We Determine A Toxic Relationship?
For a person to define a relationship as healthy or toxic, is for a person to judge based on their own morals, values, beliefs and their acceptance of the law that governs their state to determine what is proper behavior and actions in a relationship and what is wrong. However, no two peoples beliefs, values, upbringing and experience of seeing and being in relationships are exactly the same. Furthermore, toxicity doesn’t arrive wrapped in the same packaging for everyone to define it as something that’s immediately obvious. It creeps up in all shapes and forms, sometimes unnoticed such as the gaslighting effect, manipulation, and mind games other times tragically obvious, such as forcing substance misuse, murdering or raping of a partner. In other cases, it’s difficult for someone who is prone to being the victim, to see that they might also contribute in being abusive themselves. For some of the signs that distinguish whether you may be involved in a bad relationship, preview the next section.
Common Traits Of Toxic Relationships
Part of this post is to explore beyond the us and them view, “they are the abusers, and I am the victim,” it’s also to create a sense of self-awareness on whether we may unknowingly actually be abusive ourselves. By previewing the signs below, this may trigger whether you may be the culprit, accomplice or victim of a toxic relationship.
- Consistent critical judgment - a partner who puts you down regularly knowingly or unknowingly, which makes you lose confidence, doubt yourself and might make you change yourself.
- Dishonesty - lack of trust between partners, whether with merit due to an event that has left you to distrust another or without any cause at all.
- Control - emotionally or physically controlling aspects of your life without invitation or approval. Such as the clothes you wear, the food you eat, your finances, what you can and can’t do or say, where you can and can’t go. Control can appear in the form of threats to prevent you from exhibiting certain behavior or actions. Bouts of pleasant behavior may trick you into believing your partner means you no harm and implements controlling behavior to “protect” you.
- Physical harm - fear or apprehension caused intentionally or recklessly by hurting another on their body. Cutting someone's hair is also physical harm if you have not been permitted by the person to do it.
- Gaslighting effect - a slow, unnoticeable process of brainwashing, a method of manipulation used gradually by lying, confusing the victim, calling the other crazy, making them doubt what is real (a method used in cults, for example, the Charles Manson murders). It may be difficult to recognize if you’re a victim of gaslighting.
This is a non-exhaustive list of how abuse might occur between two people.
Self Awareness In Relationships
With the above mentioned it may be difficult to define whether some of these situations you have endured could be interpreted as abuse, or you may convince yourself that although some of the above mentioned may have happened in your relationship, that they’re not severe and won’t lead to any other toxic behavior. When we’re in a relationship, it’s difficult for us to see things objectively. Moreover, when we’re outside of a relationship, we may fail to see the whole picture and what actually occurs behind doors. However, if you feel you may be inflicting or have inflicted harm on someone else you can seek professional help to prevent violence in your relationship and any issues escalating into irreparable damage that could affect you or another person both physically and psychologically. Never doubt your feelings if you think you are being mistreated, or that you are hurting someone close to you. Your emotions and gut instinct will give you an indication that something isn’t right in your relationship. To prevent falling victim to or being part of the abusive pattern in your relationships, there are preventative measures that can be taken.
Don’t make way for abusive behavior by consciously pushing your moral boundaries back to allow for abuse. Don’t discount your feelings towards abuse as unimportant. Don’t fall into an oblivion of believing normalized abuse portrayed by the media on tv, films and social media is what love entails. Protect yourself as you would your own children, be protective of your mind and body and seek family, friends and professional support from organizations such as https://www.thehotline.org/help/ to enable you to take steps to solve or end your relationship problems. More than anything, don’t wait and hope it won’t happen again.
Read 5 tips that can help you be more confident in this contributed post.
Being self-confident in a relationship is not always easy, especially if you have been hurt in one before. Being self-confident can improve a relationship though as well as being better for your overall well being. Life throws enough stresses at us without you worry about the state of your relationship.
Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
No one will make you feel more worthless than you. You should value your own worth, as this will make you feel and look better. If it helps, have a new hairstyle or change the color of your hair. Anything that helps you feel more confident is good. It is very easy to be your own worst enemy and that has to stop right now!
Be An Individual
You should not let yourself become an extension of your partner. You are an individual with your own dreams and aspirations. People who have lived on their own for a while are often better at this because they are used to considering just themselves. Although no one would ever suggest you should be selfish, you do sometimes have to put yourself first.
It can be great if you have a shared interest, but it is also good to have an interest of your own. Apart from keeping you mixing with other people, it is something else for the pair of you to discuss.
You should also make sure you stay in touch with friends that you knew before you met your partner. It may well be that they socialize with both of you, but you should still have an occasional evening for just you and your friends.
Tell your partner a secret about yourself that no one else knows. Sharing secrets or things you are ashamed of from your past can help to establish a feeling of intimacy between you. Self-disclosure can help to build your confidence in each other. For instance, if in the past a sex therapist has helped you over a problem, or you once dated someone who turned out to be a drug taker and you almost got involved in them too, your partner will be pleased that your problems were solved and that you have the confidence in them to be honest about your past.
Don’t Settle For Second Best
Do not let your self-esteem drop so low that you put up with someone who is constantly criticizing you and does not show you any respect. Manners cost nothing and there is no excuse for them behaving in this way. You deserve better than this, so don’t settle for second best. Walk away from the relationship, as there is no doubt that someone better will come along one day. Yes, it can be hard, but it will benefit you both in the long-term.
Make sure you have fun together sometimes at least. Laughing together is a great help for any relationship, and yours will be no different. It could be at a film you are watching or maybe playing some sort of game. Having a fun element in any relationship is vitally important if it is to succeed.
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