   why dating is harder for older women part 10  trigger warning Reason # 7 Baggage I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender. When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)! The issue is not that older woman have baggage. Let’s be clear, we ALL have some baggage. As reported by my client base, the issue is that older women want to share, discuss, and disseminate all of their baggage early on while dating. This turns off many older men, who have baggage of their own and do not want to hear her baggage right away, until he decides if he wants to even date her again! The 2 issues that I hear the most from older male clients with regards to dating older women are: 1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date. 2. Older women come across as bitter Issue # 1 Sometimes what an older woman really needs is to have a friend who will listen to her. In the absence of a friend, she attempts to date in order to seek out that kind of friendship. However, dating to find friendship does not work. People do not go on dates to find friends. They go on dates to find someone to be romantic with. If you are an older woman who is not really interested in dating, but are using the guise of dating to find friendship for companionship, it is likely you are going to get rejected a lot. You will never get either a second date, or a friendship.  dating rules Quality older men do not want women they have to rescue. Dating is no time for a “woe-is-me” pity party. Dating is when you showcase what you have to offer as you explore what he has to offer to you. Dating is not a time to recruit sympathy for how life has been so unfair to you.  from artist Ricky Whitney If you need a friend to listen to you and comfort you, but you are not interested in having someone make a pass at you on a date, do not date! Start a support group instead. At least you will find the support you seek without having to reject someone’s unwanted advances, or be rejected by someone who wanted more than just friendship. Do not date if all you want is friendship. If you seek an audience instead of a relationship; start therapy, not dating. I am not being mean. I am very serious in that I want you to heal. You need a competent therapist, not a new boyfriend. If you carry your core hurt into every new relationship without healing that core hurt, it will surface and ruin your chances when you do finally date a great guy. If you have found an older man who wants to be your therapist, most likely he suffers from “The Savior Complex”, which is a whole other topic and article for another time. Issue # 2 Some older women come across angry, negative and very bitter. They are so bitter in fact that no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, their bitter personality will leave a bad taste in the scope of the older men who have dared to date them. It does not matter why you are bitter. That is not the issue, nor is it a puzzle for the next older man you date to solve. It is no man’s responsibility to teach you that all men are not the same. That's not his job. Just like it is not your job as a woman to prove to him that not all women are the same. It is up to each individual to deal with his or her own preconceived notions. Hint: If you already believe that all men are the same, those are the only men you will end up with. When you do meet a man who is different, you simply will not have the faith required to see it through and give him a chance. A quality older man doesn’t stick around too long if he has to convince you; because he does not have too. He knows that it is not his job, and he has too many other options to be too preoccupied with convincing you. An older woman should not take her bitterness out on an older man (or any man for that matter) that she is interested in dating. Just like the way you do not want to have to pay the price for any mistakes other women have made against the older man you may be dating. Every older woman who is drowning in bitterness has her reasons. *Some are bitter from unmet, unreasonable expectations. For example: She resents that she does not get the same attention from men at her current age, that she used to get when she was in her 20s. *Some are bitter because of the way they were treated by the men they was involved with in the past. *Some women are bitter because despite their best efforts to take care of their health, their bodies are still breaking down. *Some are bitter because they made some bad choices. For example: She left a good man to be with a new lover, and the new lover abandoned her shortly thereafter. *Some are bitter because they have a lot to offer; yet they struggle to find a relationship partner and do not understand why they can’t. (This is one of the reasons that prompted me to put together this article). You have a right to your own emotions. If you are bitter about your life, own it. Deal with it, and process it. However, do not take it out on men. Men are not the reason you are in the situation you are in. It is not because “there are no good men” out there. There are great men out there. You probably have met them. They usually come in the form of men you have rejected and put into the “friend-zone”. Remember those nice guys? Guys who were “too nice”, to the point you weren’t attracted to them and rejected them? If every guy you ever dated was a “jerk”, you have to address the common element in every relationship you have ever had: You. You are the common element in every dating dilemma you have ever had. Until you make you better; you will not have your relationships with men get better. Be accountable for your choices, and stop bashing men because you are bitter about the way your life ended up. In conversations about dating men, or in an actual conversation with a men while on a date, your bitterness can come through with how you interpret the way the conversation is going. If he is sharing his preferences and interests of how he hopes a relationship will develop and play out with you, and your first reaction is to immediately say something very negative, it may be coming from a very real core hurt. For example: He mentions that he has to travel for business a few times a year. Is your first thought: A) He is insinuating that he wants a submissive housewife that never is allowed to leave the house. Or B) You will ask him more about where he likes to travel and what kind of vacation the two of you could take? If you answered “A” you are reacting with your own baggage. THAT is an example of YOUR BAGGAGE. If you are nursing an emotional wound, but you also do want to have a new relationship in your life, it is best that you make every effort to heal your core hurt. When your core hurt causes you to lash out negatively, it will shut you down from hearing what people are actually saying to you, and it will completely turn away older men who would have loved to have gotten closer to you. Do not suppress your core hurt. Face it, process it, and heal it. If all you do is suppress it with “positive talk”, your core hurt will materialize in self-sabotaging and emotionally destructive behaviors that will actually make your personality unattractive, even to someone that originally liked you. Quality older men interpret women who male bash as a red flag. I cannot say it any more clear than that. Gender Bashing is a red flag that will cost you a great potential candidate. Whether veiled in humor or not, male bashing is still gender hate. Men know when they see it; male bashing jokes, anti-dating memes, and a disdain for the male gender. Do not kid yourselves ladies. The men on your social media acknowledge it for what it is: a sign that even if you are attractive enough for sex, you are not “serious-relationship-candidacy”. Maybe you feel justified in your anti-male rhetoric because of what men did to you in your past. Real quality men will not be as sympathetic. What they will want to know is how long you stayed with those men? How often did you choose to date jerks, while rejecting the nice guys that asked you out? Quality men will not judge you for what men did to you in the past. They will judge you on how you coped with it, and how you left it behind.  contact a love coach right now Quality older men know that you chose to date your ex, and stay with your ex. Older men know that men generally must approach women first and make the first moves with the risk of rejection. It is the women who choose who they end up dating. If you are bitter because you did not know you should have chosen the nice guys that you rejected, a quality older man is not going to want to hear you complain about it now. Men are not the reason you are miserable and have a miserable love life. Your inability to chose better dating candidates did that. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? Women do not male bash because they remain single. They remain single because they male bash. Quality older men want nothing to do with your bitterness. Quality older men do not want to have to rescue you from yourself. Quality men want a quality woman that expects as much from herself as she does from him, and focuses on what she has to offer as much as what she wants from him. To illustrate exactly how important this is, I want to share some of my work experience with you. I work as a coach for a high-end matchmaking agency. This means I coach, among other people, older men who are millionaires. These older men are very wealthy and are looking for a serious relationship. Here is where I tend to surprise older women: The vast majority of older men, even the millionaires, would rather enter into relationships with women their own age than with women who are younger. Believe it or not, I can tell you from my personal experience, that over 80% of these older men WANT to date older women. However, they are often so disappointed with how older women behave on dates, that some of them just give up trying to date older women and instead only try to date younger women. Do you hear me? Wealthy older men want someone they can enjoy life with for the little time they have left alive. They face the reality of their mortality and know that they are on borrowed time. An older man does not want to stick around for an older woman who holds onto her misery. He has enough of his own baggage! What he is looking for is more joy in his life.  what to talk about on a date I had an older male client share this story with me that illustrates this point: Single Steve: Things were going really well with the older woman he was dating, until one night he started getting raging texts from her! Steve had no clue what she was texting about. She accused him of cheating on her, planning to hit her, and all kinds of negative things. Later, she wrote to Steve to say that she had “kind of just lost her cool that night and lashed out at him.” She texted to him that she was “sorry”. He told her to NEVER contact him again! He was not willing to be "some punching bag for her lousy past." It is never a man’s job to heal you from your past hurts. You have to heal yourself. It is only his job to build a future with you together. It is an unreasonable expectation to expect a quality man to tolerate your inexcusable behaviors.  what to say on a first date Heal first. Then find love next. Do not expect a man to create joy for you. You have to learn to find joy in your own life. If you are seeking a man to save you, the only men you will attract are men that have as much, or even more, baggage than you do! Consider this objectively: Reverse the genders. Would you want to date an older man drowning in his own baggage that constantly belittles women, expresses misogynistic comments, and then passes them off as crude humor? If you met an older man who thinks all women are evil, selfish, “take-what-you-can-get-and-then-dump-them”, wouldn’t your guard be up? If the older man that asked you out, posts memes on his social media about everything that is wrong with women, and generalizes all women as “gold-diggers”, “sperm stealing”, and “paternity fraud con-artists”, based on how all of his ex-wives lied, cheated and stole from him, would you be jumping at the bait to date him? Of course not! There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through. Right? Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage? An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today. Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love. Reason # 8 Resisting Change The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today. Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors. 
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   why dating is harder for older women part 9  trigger warning Reason # 6 Being Single for Too Long You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up. It took place 10 years ago! Then it hits you; you have been single a long time. Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing). And that is OK! Believe it or not, it is OK to be single Some people are happier and better off when they are perpetually single. I am saying this as a Dating and Relationship Coach that some people do NOT need to be in a relationship or dating or having regular sex to be happy. If that is the case, then why is this even a problem? Why would being single for too long be a problem for older women? It is only a problem if an older woman wants a serious relationship. Why? The longer a person (regardless of gender) remains single, the more challenging it is to adjust their thinking about adapting to being in a relationship again, when an opportunity finally happens. To help me explain this, I want to share with you my experience coaching adult aged virgins. An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
One of the challenges they face is starting to THINK like a potential boyfriend. Seeking to be in a relationship may require a major shift in day-to-day thinking. A person who is single for a really long time, might not be open to ways of thinking that actually help in meeting people to date as well as enter into a relationship. What does that mean? It means, that getting into dating to seek out a relationship, especially after a very long absence (in this case, never having done it), requires a major shift in mindset. It means being willing to disrupt your day-to-day lifestyle routine and factor in someone new into every decision you make. Scary huh? So an older woman faces similar challenges if she has been single for a long time. No more being able to make a snap decision on a whim and taking a vacation at the drop of a hat. When you are in a relationship, there is someone else to consider. Someone else’s work schedule to check in with, someone else’s opinion to ask and someone else’s needs to compromise for. Really scary huh? Wait! What if the person you are about to get serious with comes with family? Ready to bite your tongue when his parents occasionally cross the line? Ready to be a step-mom to his young kids? Ready to be a step-mom to his adult children? Ready to be step-granny to his grandchildren? Do you even like kids? Ready to give up lots of your time for weekly family dinners, graduations and birthday parties? Really-really scary huh? Being single is not all bad. There are some good elements to it. You can come and go as you please, and you never have to factor anyone else into every decision you make. Things change when you include people in your life. If you are not used to it, finding yourself on the verge of a relationship can be a very intimidating thing. All of a sudden, your entire way of life seems, almost threatened, even if the relationship you are about to embark on is a potentially positive one. When a person gets used to being single, it can sometimes become harder for that person to compromise. The very idea that she would have to change anything is almost unthinkable. But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person. That is why: The longer a person is single, the more it is considered to be a red flag. It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not (desire is in the loins of the holder). It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities. For example: One of the biggest areas that single people need to be aware of that is going to keep them single, is how they cope with conflict. How a person copes with conflict has a HUGE impact to a single person being able to transition into a “romantic-relationship-capable-candidate”. Some people, who have been single for a long time, are out of practice with managing intense emotions during conflicts with loved ones. When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication. If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue. However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship. When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on. When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out. Here are some additional examples of some real older women clients that I have coached. They refused to act like they wanted a relationship, even though they actually did: Single Sarah: She had gotten into the habit of spending the night at an ex’s house; not for sex, but for friendship. They remained good friends after their break up, and a couple of times a month she would go over to his place to talk, and after they would fall asleep in the same bed. Sometimes they were wearing PJs, but sometimes they were in less. When she started to see new partners, none of them stuck around when she was open about wanting to continue this friendly arrangement with her ex. Single Shelly: She would let her male friends (mostly gay men) caress her breasts as a joke, and lick her neck during drinking games. It was “all in fun “she said, and “no big deal”. When dating, she would tell the man that she only wanted Monogamy, but that she had no intention of stopping her behaviors with her male friends, because “that’s the way it has always been” between her and her friends since college. Single Samantha: She really liked her alone time. She had gotten into the habit of being alone on Saturdays, and using that day to catch up on all her errands. After, she would binge watch her new favorite television series. She liked her schedule kept as it was and did not want to replace her television night with a date night. Even if she was seeing a guy for a few weeks, Saturday was her “Me-Time”. Single Stephanie: She hated cooking and cleaning, and she especially hated having to clean up after cooking. She had gotten into the habit of having her meals over the kitchen sink instead of a table because she felt that it was just more “efficient” that way. She resented cooking for her dates when she invited them over. As she was not used to sitting at a table for meals, she ended up so distracted by all the crumbs on the table and those that hit the floor during the dinner dates, that she could not focus on talking to her date. Single Sophie: She was a very loyal, and dedicated friend to her female friends. Even when she was currently dating someone, she would still go out with her single female friends and act as the “wing woman”. She would flirt, dance, and accept drinks from the male friends of the men her girlfriends were trying to pick up. She “did not want to let her friends down” just because she was dating a new man in her life. Single Sabrina: She has been living alone for years and loves sleeping in her big bed by herself. She is not used to rolling over and bumping into another sleeping body. She isn’t used to hearing another person breath (or snore!) while she is trying to sleep. Years ago, when she did have lovers stay the night, she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep, so started to ask her lovers to sleep on the couch after sex, so she could get sleep. After she got her pet, she would tell her lovers that they had to sleep on the couch because it was Foo-Foo’s spot to sleep next to her.  from artist Ricky Whitney Single Sally: She values her privacy. She has friends and is socially active, but she keeps a lot of information about her life and personal preferences on a very limited “need-to-know” basis. When she is on a date and the man tries to get to know her through small talk, she sometimes gets defensive. She is not used to sharing information and that makes her feel vulnerable, even when the intent of the question is benign. Single Sasha: She has gotten too comfortable. She hasn’t really dated in years, and enjoys only wearing comfortable, frumpy, casual clothing. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone. She doesn’t want to fix her hair, wear make up, or dress sexy. She ignores grooming tips normally associated with dating, and having a sexual relationship with a new partner. She would rather just be comfortable, and not have to try too hard. Single Sandy: She loves a good party, and especially loves going out drinking with her girlfriends. The last time a man asked her out on a Saturday night, she told him that she might be too hung over to go out on Saturday night, because she would be out with her girlfriends on Friday. She’d let him know on if she was going to be available Saturday night. She will not change her social schedule to accommodate dating. In all the above cases, the issue is that certain behaviors do not lend themselves to attracting quality partners. The behaviors themselves are not the issue. If you are single, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies. You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner. If you remain inflexible, and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is: “GO AWAY!” You are going to push away many great, quality older men who were interested in dating you. Wanting a relationship is simply not enough. You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship. This really shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. If you are out of habit of using any particular skill set, over time your skills will dull in that skill set. Being able to attract someone through communication and taking actions is a skills set. Being able to manage a relationship is a skill set. Being able to behave in a way that caters to making a relationship work is a skill set. Like any skill set, if you do not employ them you lose them. It is not like riding a bike where you let your muscle member take over. This is about how to relate to people, and how to calibrate and adjust to the person you are emotionally connected with. This is why people who date a lot, will likely continue to date a lot. People that are good in relationships will likely continue to end up in good relationships. People, who cannot attract another, will likely continue to be unable to attract another. People that have always been able to turn on the charm will likely continue to turn on the charm. As long as they keep their skills in practice, they will continue to get similar results. It is not something that a person is born with. It is a skill that can be learned. Once learned it is necessary to repeat them over and over again until the behaviors become second nature. Ambition and effort when not used decline because lack of use causes loss of that skill set. The social skill set of being in a relationship can be lost if it remains unused for a lengthy period of time. That is why being single for a long time can be a major red flag in dating. *************************************************************************************************** Reason # 7 Baggage I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender. When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!     Why dating is harder for older women part 8  trigger warning Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Desperate! If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known. When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives. Right. What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior. If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her, (seeking her friends APPROVAL) I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.  from artist Ricky Whitney Sometimes the reason a woman is perpetually single despite everything she has going for her, IS HER FRIENDS. Your friends could become the saboteurs at the crossroads of your journey of love in this life. Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!). In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship! Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke. I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want. If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way. If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it. If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her. Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.  learn to be charming It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend. Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it. Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval. You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences. If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you. An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive. Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS. Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about. If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life. A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend. A true friend is OK with this. Reason # 6 Being Single for Too Long You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up. It took place 10 years ago! Then it hits you; you have been single a long time. Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).     why dating is harder for older women part 7  trigger warning Reason # 4 Too Preoccupied with Chemistry Chemistry is important. Attraction is important. There is no disputing that. However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you? Is your emotional need for chemistry so important that it gets in the way of being fulfilled? Is it a way for you to escape having to be vulnerable in dating, and helps you hide behind your secret fear of intimacy? Only you can answer that for yourself. When that feeling of butterflies in your tummy becomes more important that how a man treats you, a woman is more likely to make regrettable choices when it comes to dating and relationships. Older women that I have coached sometimes make the mistake of confusing LUST with LOVE. Here is a perspective; think of instant chemistry as lust. Lust is a place some couples start, and sometimes it can grow into love over time, or sometimes if fizzles out. However, if you seek something other than lust at first sight, and learn how to create the feeling of lust with people that you do get along with better, perhaps that might be something that changes it for you. It does take work to ignite chemistry where there is none, but if it is worthwhile for you, then it is worth the work. In any relationship, after the “Honeymoon” phase is over, and the two of you get down to building a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your relationship, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Notice, I said friendship, not chemistry. Chemistry will not carry you through anything, other than maybe make you stick around in a bad situation until the next sexual encounter. Does the chemistry have to be instant, or do you take the time to explore creating chemistry? If chemistry has to be instant for you, and you are refusing to put in the time to let love develop, as an older woman, you could be doing yourself a great disservice. Love is something worthwhile. All things worthwhile require effort. That is part of what makes them worthwhile. Do not confuse getting attention with finding love. Getting attention can be easier, and finding love is not. One of the biggest struggles that older women have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with.  from artist Ricky Whitney  Coaching Workbook For Women In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their future, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts. When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship. The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for. What I refer to in my work as our “Internal Attraction Mechanism” can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience. Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli. For example: Remember that nice guy you rejected because you did not feel an attraction for him? Remember how things changed when you noticed that other women found him attractive enough to date and you started to get jealous? Remember how that is around the time you also noticed positive aspects of him that you never noticed because you rejected him too quickly before giving him a chance? That is one example of how chemistry can develop over time. For those people who have experience with mental illness, do you remember how you lost interest in anything sexual with anyone, least of all your partner at the time? It had nothing to do with the other person; it only had to do with what was going on within you. Again, chemistry is fleeting. It can be there, it can disappear, and it might appear when you least expect it. One thing if for sure: as fun as chemistry is, chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment, and it is not what you base the foundation of a successful long-term relationship on. On that note, if you are currently best friends with an older man, and that older man is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor; Say yes, and give it a chance. Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with any new partner. Allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving relationship allows for the foundation of your relationship to also have the benefit of long nourished roots. We all have our type. By “type” I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with. But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to, is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, a body type or even a particular scents like a cologne that draws us in with one whiff. Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the test of time. Just for the record; if you are an older woman that refuses to put in effort to date an older man because he was not your first choice (chemistry wise), but yet complain that older men are shallow for only dating good looking younger women, you must at least be willing to face that you are exhibiting the same level of shallowness that you are raging against. Lying to yourself will keep you single. Does this mean that the only way to have a successful long-term relationship is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in? No actually. However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest. There Are Couples In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted to, but is not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lust, for a happier and more stable life. (Remember when I talked about fun vs. fulfillment earlier in the article?) In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their main partner. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed. Finally, there are people who refuse to cheat and attempt to structure a consensual non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet, and work on having them met outside of the primary relationship. (This is currently estimated as roughly 21% of the population by two different studies).  Teaching The Rules of Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy However for the record, most people practicing consensual non-monogamy do so because they are simply not wired to be monogamous, regardless of how good or how bad their primary relationship is. Whether doing without, or structuring a consensual non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved. What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution. You may not control whom you are attracted to, but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction. It is simply a process of learning about yourself and how to manage your relational expectations. Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions Desperate! If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known. When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives. Right.     why dating is harder for older women part 6  trigger warning Reason # 3 Hypergamy Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women. Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date. It is called Hypergamy. Hypergamy: (aka “marrying up”) refers to someone (usually a woman) seeking to get involved with someone else of a higher social status than herself. What I see in my practice when coaching women, is that some women will prioritize certain traits, not because it reflects a particular value system she employs but because she seeks a man that has everything she already has, and wants the same or higher status. (e.g. If she has a summer home in Europe, she wants to find a man that already has a summer home in Europe or multiple homes more than she does.) I have coached women who want a man that has a particular degree, because she has that same degree. Some examples: *If she has a Bachelor’s degree, she seeks a man that has a bachelor’s degree or higher. *If she has a certificate from a community college, she wants the man she gets serious with, to also have a certificate from a community college or higher. *If she makes 250K a year, she seeks a man that makes as much as she does, or higher. This may seem like a reasonable idea, but in practice it is not. In essence, for women who give into Hypergamy, the higher the status they acquire, the less men there are that qualify as potential dating partners. For men, it is the opposite. The higher the status that men acquire, the more the bounty of acceptable potential partners increases, because men do not practice Hypergamy. Men generally do not require their potential partners to have the same resources or status as they do. For example: A millionaire male does not require that his lovers also be millionaires already. He focuses on what he wants out of dating and relationships (sex, being treated well, how she can fit into his lifestyle?) and seeks women out according to his needs. This is much in the same way an employer seeks out employees to fill particular roles in the company. They do not seek out employees who also own rival companies themselves. This is why men generally can date from a larger pool of candidates. A millionaire female practicing Hypergamy will only want to date a man who is as wealthy or wealthier than she is. (Which decreases the pool of potential candidates she can date). Here is the thing that I try to explain to women: Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
Try thinking of Hypergamy as a sense of entitlement. Hypergamy is why many high status women struggle to find a relationship. These women fail to realize that the men who can best support her high status lifestyle, are the men that have less status than she does. (That is what gives him the time to be in a supportive role). However, when she starts employing Hypergamy she effectively eliminates those men from the bounty of potential life partners. If she is an older woman, that means she is downsizing an already reduced pool of candidates. There may be “plenty of fish in the sea”, BUT... if the older fishing lady seeks a fish about the same age as she is, and if you factor in all the fish dying before she does, and only a smaller group of the remaining fish are going to bite at her bait, and she further engages unreasonable criteria in her Hypergamy to screen out fish that swim in lower levels than she is used to floating at, she might as well as be fishing in a bucket!  from artist Ricky Whitney My advice to older women who are letting their own Hypergamy get in the way, is to keep your Hypergamy in check. If you find that you simply cannot be attracted to a man who makes less money than you do, or has less education than you do, or anything else that has nothing to do with the kind of relationship partner he can be for you, then I would suggest that you complete a coaching program, or seek out therapy to work on the issues of your “Internal Attraction Mechanism”. Ask yourself: Are you using Hypergamy to reject men as an excuse to cover up your own fear of intimacy? (It has been known to happen). You cannot afford to waste your time on criteria that isn’t actually relevant to finding a serious relationship when you are an older woman. Reason # 4 Too Preoccupied with Chemistry Chemistry is important. Attraction is important. There is no disputing that. However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?     why dating is harder for older women part 5  trigger warning Reason # 2: The Third Factor ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women Reason # 2: The Third Factor The Third Factor: Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Some are homosexuals and would rather date men. Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION. These are the men that say they are not interested in having kids, but would be open to it. They do not actually want to get a younger woman pregnant, but dating a woman young enough that he can potentially get pregnant makes him feel that he has the option of having a child. In other cases, there are older men who are seeking relationships, and who have zero interest in having children (see my comments above regarding the vasectomy population), but who simply would rather date younger women. Sometimes it is just a matter of seeking out what he is more attracted too. Sometimes it is the fact that he has tried to date older and younger women, and he is just more compatible lifestyle-wise with a younger women (See my point later on in this article about older women carrying baggage). Before you get angry at older men for seeking out younger women, do keep in mind that in the end, women are the ones choosing who they end up dating just as much as the men, and there is no shortage of younger women that adore, pursue and only date older men. I kid you not when I tell you there is a large amount of younger women that actively seek out older men for relationships (usually in secret), not just because of some kind of attraction (although it can happen), but also in part because of the lifestyle an older man can often afford to shower her with, that a man her own age cannot. Just a word to all the older women who feel they lose older men to younger women. I want to make a very important point to you. An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER WILL ALWAYS WIN against a younger woman in getting a relationship with an older man who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman. Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship. You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article. For that matter, there are a number of younger men and older women who enjoy each other in the “hook up” culture as well. However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him. Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women. This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men. Are there relationships that work out between older women and younger men? Yes. Of course! I would love to hear from you in the comments to help older women feel some hope in this matter, because what I tend to hear in my practice is how older women feel a loss of hope in competing with younger women, for the attention of older men. Those successful relationships do exist. When those relationships do not work out, there are just as many reasons why it does not work out for couples of all ages. For the older men who DO seek a serious relationship with older women: I once had a debate with a colleague regarding: Why it seemed that there were more older men who got married after becoming a widower, and not as many older women getting married after becoming widows. She made the argument that men needed women more, and that is why older men married more often than older women in the same age group. What she did not factor in: Because older women outnumber older men, those men who are open to having a serious relationship with older women will have a much easier time finding someone faster, and settling down again faster. Older women who simply cannot find an older man, (even if they would rather be in a relationship with an older man), have to do without. It is not because men need women more than women need men. It has to do with basic supply and demand. The supplies of older men that seek relationships are not available to meet the demand of older women seeking older men for serious relationships. Older men that do want a serious relationship with an older woman have a buffet-style/pick-of-the-litter options. Reason # 3 Hypergamy Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women. Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.     why dating is harder for older women part 4  trigger warning Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women The Second Factor: Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk. This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women. Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken. However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again. Did You Know A Man On The 18 Year Plan? Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”. The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about. Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children. So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college). If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor. Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship. An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be. For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his. This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised! Here is another example: Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means? That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact. Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces. The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now. Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”. It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing. Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years). Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it). These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation). By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship. Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up. Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her. If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now. Reason # 2: The Third Factor The Third Factor: Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Some are homosexuals and would rather date men. Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.     why dating is harder for older women part 3  trigger warnings Reason # 2 ....Continued.... Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive. Now let's consider the current social state of older men. Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article. The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex. The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be. The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women. Reason # 2: The First Factor The First Factor: The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny. It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men. Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite. You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does. What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be. Fun is NOT Fulfillment. It never was meant to be. For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it. Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying. A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free. See what I mean? Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex. Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins). Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex. Basically, from the time an older man is 65, for every 10 years that passes, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive. Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents? Here it is again: For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners. Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved. Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all. Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive. If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed? Reason # 2: The Second Factor The Second Factor: Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk. This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.     why dating is harder for older women part 2  trigger warning Reason # 1 ....Continued.... Reason # 1 There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available. The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture. Some believe it is because that by in large, the most dangerous occupations are still dominated by males. Jobs in the military, defence, police, fire fighters, sewer works, construction, and other professions that carry a high mortality rate tend to have more men than women working them. Even in a time when women and men are free to choose and compete for the same professions, men still make up the majority of workers in professions that have higher fatality rates. Others argue more social reasons such as men abuse their own bodies more and men take more risks (insurance premiums are usually higher for men and cite this as a reason). Also some men suffering challenges may feel shame for asking for help thus more men commit suicide instead of getting help for mental illness, or succumb to untreated illnesses of all types for lack of early detection. Then there are certain social attitudes of the lives of men being de-valued. For example, we can look at such notions of saving "women and children first" (the message is men are expendable), as well as family courts tend to assign custody to the mothers, and only visitation rights to the father (men matter less) instead of a straight across the board 50-50 shared custody. If the message of a society tells men that they just aren't as important, could that factor into the shorter lifespans for men? One of the best-documented sources of this phenomenon comes in the experience of the “Surplus Two Million Women” of Great Britain. In World War 1 (WWI), an entire generation of men went to war and never came back. (Men are expendable soldiers). This left "the Surplus Two Million" women (as they came to be known) with the challenging odds of ever getting into a serious relationship with a man. Statistically, even if every remaining young single man and young single women were paired up after the war, only 1 out of every 10 women would end up married (in a serious relationship) and have children. This is what happened when nearly 750 000 British soldiers died in WWI, and almost as many soldiers were left incapacitated. At the time (early 1900s), single parenthood was not a societal accepted option, nor was having sex outside of marriage. Thus heartbreakingly, many of those young women in there 20s, faced a life of loneliness and spinsterhood, and some even entered forbidden secret lesbian relationships for companionship. Then there are some studies that are simply looking at genetics as the culprit. These studies suggest that the differences between male and female chromosomes may influence how the genders age differently. If this is the case, then basically it indicates that by virtue of being born male, the male children are all destined to die before all the female children born the same day (assuming there are no birth anomalies or life ending accidents over the course of a given lifespan). Depending on the studies presented, it is estimated that women can be expected to live anywhere from 3 yrs. to 7 yrs. longer. More recent statistics show that it is now closer to 5 years. Now, let's add to that statistic, that the median age difference between men and women that get into serious relationships is that the men are two years older than the women. That is the median age gap. Which means that because women tend to marry/get into serious relationships with men that are at least 2 yrs. older (or more), and that women outlive men of the same age, it stands to reason that more women than men will end up single again due to widowhood. Simply put, if you are an older woman and you are looking to have a serious relationship with a man close to your own age, or older, there simply are just less men for you to choose from. The older you get, the less supply is available to reach your demand. Here are some stats from the Canada 2016 census, and an Organizational Behavior in Health Care textbook just as an example for discussion: General population averages see 97 men for every 100 women overall. However: AGE: Under 25: 105 men for every 100 women Furthermore men die before women do which leads to: AGES: 25-54: 99 men for every 100 women AGES: 55-64: 92 men for every 100 women AGES: 65-85: 70 men for every 100 women AGES: 85-99: 54 men for every 100 women Another stat from 2003 says: AGES: 85+: 41 men for every 100 women AGES: 99+: 19 men for every 100 women Here are some other stats from the “2002 Journal of Women’s Health” regarding seniors and age gaps: AGES: 65-74: 79 men for every 100 women AGES: 75-84: 67 men for every 100 women AGES: 85+: 46 men for every 100 women Among the population of nursing home residents, the gender ratios are even more dramatic: AGES: 65-74: 75 men for every 100 women AGES: 75-84: 41 men for every 100 women AGES: 85+: 24 men for every 100 women The numbers will fluctuate slightly from consensus, surveys and studies, but the message is consistent. The older a population, the less men that are available. To really understand the significance, the number of men includes those men that are still married/unavailable for dating women, men who are not interested in women, and men with health problems that may prevent them from being able to be in a loving relationship. Let’s do a calculation using an older male demographic: There are 75 men for every 100 women. Of those 75 men, we eliminate all those men who are already involved with someone, men who are too ill to be in a relationship, and men that are just not interested in being in a relationship with women. So now, while there are technically 75 men for every 100 women, there aren’t 75 emotionally available men who are eligible for these women to even date. Now, let’s get to the next reason. Reason # 2 Of the Men Left, Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships with Older Women OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive. Now let's consider the current social state of older men.   why dating is harder for older women part 1 Trigger Warning I am placing a warning at the head of this article. This 50 page/25K word article covers and contains: -Discussion on the effects of war, divorce, and social issues on a dating population -Examples of gender roles, ageism and attraction -Quoting statistics that some audiences may find disturbing -Examples of victimization that some audiences may find disturbing -Calling out behaviors that singles commit that correlate to remaining single -Discussions on sex, sexually transmitted infections and consensual non-monogamy -Human mortality and death -Social norms that are no longer considered appropriate -Chemistry, boundaries, compatibility, compromise and settling Why Dating is Harder For Older Women By Frank Kermit Introduction Recently I was at an art gallery. It was one of the few public appearances I make. At the event, I happen to run into a couple of fans of my work giving dating advice live on AM radio. These fans happen to be older women, and as the conversation progressed, they had asked for some of my thoughts about the dating challenges for older women. I promised them that I would at some point release an article about how and why dating is challenging for older women. I had already planned to produce such an article (it was on a very long list of topics I intend to cover in the future), but that conversation moved this article topic to the top of the list. A question I am often asked by older women in the dating world is: "Where are all the good men?" Older women who are frustrated with how their love lives are virtually non-existent, are still seeking to find men to get into a relationship with, yet do not seem to be able to find men who are good enough. The truth is, there are good men out there, but as a woman gets older, she faces new challenges in dating that she never had to contend with when she was younger. In response to helping older women understand what their dating challenges are, and provide them with a solution to coping with those challenges, I have prepared this article. I want to make it clear, that this article is not for older women who just want sex. Women, regardless of age, who simply want a sexually abundant lifestyle and live out all their sexual fantasies within the existing "hook-up" culture of anonymous casual sex have little to no problem attracting sexual attention. These women may not get the sexual attention they want from a particular subgroup of men they want, but women in general tend to have more options for random commitment-free sex than they may be aware of. That is why this article was written for older women seeking out a serious relationship with men close to her own age. Please keep this in mind as you go forward into this article. When I started writing this article, the goal was to write an article of about 500 words, and it was intended for women who were 65+ years old. The more I wrote, and the more I researched, and the more I explored this topic, I found that this topic needed a great deal of coverage more than 500 words would allow for. I also found that women under 65 were having many of the same issues and challenges as women over 65. In fact, as I dug deeper, I can say with certain conviction that some of the women clients I have coached as young as 34 have experienced (see Reason#2 for more details), struggled with and unknowingly may have made some of the same errors as women over 65 make, without having to suffer the other real obstacles to dating that older women face. It is in my sincere hope that this article sheds some light on a subject that I think does not get enough attention, and that in writing this article, I can at least bring some awareness to the issues involved and provide some insights and understandings towards some solutions. This article is approximately 25K words (about 50+ pages) long, and in truth, I still feel that I have only scratched the surface. I hope though that you the reader will find it a good start on your journey to be the older woman that finds connection at the end of your quest for love. Reason # 1 There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.  |
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ABOUT FRANKFrank Kermit MA, is an expert Relationship & Dating Coach with 25 years of experience. He is an author of original content books, eBooks and audio products. he has written many publications online and in print. He is frequently asked to be a guest speaker for media and events. MEDIA APPEARANCE **** TBA 
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