During this program, you’ll discover: 12-Week Group Class Twelve 90-Minute Sessions Some of the material covered includes: What is Conscious Dating? Life Purpose and Life Vision Limiting Beliefs Taming your Inner Critic My Requirements, Needs and Wants My Relationship History and Patterns My Relationship plan Lifetime Partner Profile Dating Strategies Attracting the right Partner AND MUCH MORE RECEIVE a 147-Page PDF to print. It's the Program Book and it includes 18 Exercises in English or French. Classes are in English but participants can ask questions in English or French. Remember to ask about our bonuses! Don’t waste another second getting bullied by the voices in your head. Your life and your mission are far too important for that. Register Now. You’ll be glad you did. Please reply to 1-855-383-2323 to register or ask questions and my staff at Absolute Bachelor Club will take care of you. To your Success, Sincerely, Natacha Noël Founder, Certified Matchmaker and Dating Coach Updated February 28, 2018
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Why I Will Be Single For the Rest of my Life Even Though it is Not my Choice by Jackie Blue It has become politically incorrect now to admit loving being single at any age. Admitting that you are looking for a relationship or that you are lonely or hate being single for whatever reason can easily turn someone into a social pariah. I’ve experienced this myself. People who are supposedly my friends are not listening to me. Instead, they lecture about that whole self-love thing. Well, that’s been debunked by recent studies. I think it’s particularly rich when it is coming from friends with partners. Not just being lectured. I am being chastised for even admitting loneliness and my need for human contact and companionship that can only come about in a relationship. So what have I done in the past year since I became single? I suffered in silence. I discovered this was not working for me. If I must be single for the rest of my life, I might as well speak out and tell the whole truth and nothing but. As Janis Joplin would say, Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s time to ask hard questions to society at large. I’ve already started speaking out on social media, much to the chagrin of many. Before I go on, let me give you some background of my situation. Ever since I was very young, I always had my vision of who my dream mate would be; what I was looking for in a man. Now, as I approach 50, that vision has never changed. However, all my life, I could never find that man up until last year some time. So, I settled for whoever was interested in me, regardless of how much I had to sacrifice. Looking back now, it wasn’t all bad. The relationships were mediocre, but much better than being single. My last relationship lasted 9 years with a man named "Sam". He was close enough to what I had always looked for. A little older than I would’ve liked, but then, I was never able to attract men my own age. Our lives were fine for the first 6 years. Then he lost his job and got sick and that set off a chain of events on both our ends. It was destabilizing. To be clear, I was not angry at Sam for losing his job. This was beyond his control and he was trying very hard to find another, but with ageism alive and well in the job market, finding work was problematic. He was never the same after that job loss. Who could blame him? The problems that manifested were the by products of this destabilization. Illness with both of us, financial issues, and bad things happening took their toll finally 3 years later. We ended our relationship. Should I have fought harder to maintain it? Well, at that time, I had no fight left in me. I was burned out; physically and emotionally. But yeah, I should’ve found something left to fight for it. Life was as good as it was going to get with him. Far better than being single in middle-age. Also, at that time last year, I met Scott through a social media site. A few years back, I was a political blogger. Little had I known that Scott had followed my blog. One day, he approached me finally on messenger and we chatted every night. He became night friend. He started confiding his secrets to me and I to him. We had so much in common, it was almost scary. We listened to each other without judgement. It turned out that Scott was exactly the type of man that I had dreamt of but had eluded me all my life. We started visiting each other every month and a half / 2 months. I used to think that Scott coming into my life when he did was a sign —that I was finally going to have the relationship I wanted for once. He was also behaving as if he was interested in a relationship with me. My mother and some friends had told me they noticed the way he looked at me and interacted with me. Even my ex, Sam noticed it. Scott and I made a great team whether it was cooking dinner or helping each other with some of our projects. I had never experienced that in any of my previous relationships. He introduced me to his parents as well as his oldest friends from university days. Then I stupidly told him I had feelings for him. He said he was only interested in me as a friend though his behavior proved otherwise at times. I now understand that Scott entering my life was nothing more than a cruel joke. For people like me, hope is a cruel thing. The man who possessed everything I always wanted in a man walks into my life only to walk out without a truthful explanation. I had spent lots of money on dating sites only to have no results. I know I am going to have to settle for less once again if I expect to be in a relationship, but no one was interested. The smallest of bites were very short lived. None of them were my type, but again, would’ve settled. I was given the schpiel by most of them: They were looking for someone more: *athletic, *younger, *someone with money who could afford to travel the world and partake in expensive sports and hobbies with him. I was told I had the “wrong look” for them. Also, the absence of a career turned them off. I am on disability benefits thanks to a group insurance from my last job. I can no longer work due to my health. Nonetheless, I was treated as if I was a welfare recipient which is frowned upon in the dating world. Particularly if you are looking for someone with beyond a high school education. I did not renew my subscriptions to those sites. I had purchased ebooks which confirmed what I knew—finding a suitable mate while being an older woman is problematic. Someone suggested meet-up groups for singles, but there were a few issues finding a group with people my age. And the ones that existed all took cruises and trips to Mexico together. They frequent very expensive restaurants and bars. On a fixed income, this is not possible for me. Besides, I do not function well in groups. I tend to feel lost and/ or like I am suffocating and I either end up zoning out or having crippling panic attacks. I am only able to function on a one to one situation. I am not even going to try to pretend anymore. Again, why would I twist myself into knots simply to get 2nd or 3rd choice to even look at me? Why would I go through the insults from men, who are not my 1st choice, telling me I don’t have the right look or style? I also remember talking to men in my age group and a bit older about that whole dating scene. Mainly, I wanted to know why they were searching for women much younger than themselves? More often, why women young enough to be their daughters? They basically told me that older women carry too much baggage and it was not fun for them. Too many chips and cracks, some had told me. I had joined a Facebook group where people commiserated over bad experiences with dating sites and our frustration with them. Many of the women in this group were in my age bracket and many of whom, single for over 20 years. That was and still is very frightening to me. There really isn’t someone for everyone. But then, I should’ve known that was a mathematical impossibility. Women outnumber men. As time goes on, the loneliness gets more painful. In that Facebook group, I had initiated a conversation thinking I must move out of the city I live in in order to find a partner. As much as I love living in the city, I knew that only rural men showed interest in me. Never city men. I was chastised for that saying I should learn to be a strong woman. That is cold comfort to me. A painful realization came. I will never ever find another Scott. I would have to settle for whatever I can get yet again. However, I can’t seem to find anyone who would even be remotely interested. Dating is worse than a job interview. Come to think of it, I’ve had more fun at job interviews—with very bad interviewers. So much effort just to settle. Looking for a relationship has become synonymous with applying for a bank loan or looking for a job. You only get a loan when you prove to the loan officer you don’t really need it. You only get a job when you don’t really need one. I’ve stopped looking as a result and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever just like those women on my facebook group. I had also come to the realization, why must I work so hard on my image just for a man I know I am simply settling for? It is exhausting trying to impress one who would be a second or even third choice. I won’t even find anyone who measures up to Sam. There will never be another Scott. Why bother? I have also come to the realization that sometimes we must pay for a mistake we made for the rest of our lives. Separating from Sam is one such mistake I made. Sometimes there is no second chance. What I will not do, however, is pretend that this is fun. Not anymore. Frankly, I am tired of being penalized for things beyond my control. Things like finances, poor health, not the ideal appearance as dictated by society as a whole. Not having a career. Being over 30. Exactly the opposite of what men are looking for today in any age bracket. One only has to look to profiles on dating sites to know this. Scott and I still talk on and off, but we have not visited each other in the last four months. Oh one can say long distance relationships don’t work but he knew I was willing to relocate. My mother and other friends just live an hour away from him. As for him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that theory is blown out of the water. He is looking to date others now. It’s only matter of time he will find somebody to live happily ever after with, especially now that he has lost a significant amount of weight. Given he’s been single for a year and a half now, and he’s lost all that weight, it will likely be sooner rather than later before he finds somebody. The lesson here is, especially late in life, if you’re in a relationship or married, even if the relationship is mediocre, if there are no issues of addiction and/ or violence, do all to hold it together anyway. Even if he/she cheats on you, stick around. If someone drops into your life with uncanny timing, even if he/she appears to be your ideal mate, run as fast and as far as possible away from him/her. It’s just a test of your resolve to keep a long term relationship and/or marriage together. Please learn from my mistake. -Jackie Blue
Released July 21 2017, Updated on March 1, 2018 Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance on the program Find The One Elite with host Antia Boyd. On this show Frank talks about The Top Emotional Needs Of Single Men & Women. I Left the Love of My Life by Karen Cross (cir. 2013) I left the love of my life because I thought I could do better. Now I'm childless and alone at 42 Laughing and dancing with my fiance at our engagement party, I thought I might actually burst with happiness. Surrounded by our family and friends, I looked at Matthew and felt certain I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Quite simply, he was my soulmate. It all seemed so simple to my naïve, 19-year-old self. I was, I smugly told myself, the girl who had it all. So why, 20 years later, do I find myself single, childless and tormented by the fact that I have thrown away the only true chance of happiness I ever had? Eight years after that wonderful engagement party in 1989, I walked away from dear, devoted, loyal Matthew, convinced that somewhere out there, a better, more exciting, more fulfilling life awaited me. Only there wasn't. Now I am 42 and have all the trappings of success - a high-flying career, financial security and a home in the heart of London's trendy Notting Hill. But I don't have the one thing I crave more than anything: a loving husband and family. 'My father warned me not to throw this love away. But I was sure I'd find Mr Perfect around the corner' You see, I never did find another man who offered everything Matthew did, who understood me and loved me like he did. Someone who was my best friend as well as my lover. Today, seeing friends with their children around them tortures me, as I know I am unlikely ever to have a family of my own. I think about the times Matthew and I talked about having children, even discussing the names we would choose. I cannot believe I turned my back on so much happiness. Instead, here I am back on the singles market, looking for the very thing I discarded with barely a backward glance all those years ago. I know I can't have Matthew back, and it hurts when I hear snippets of information about his life and how content he is. Fifteen years after I ended our relationship, he is happily married. At this time of year, so many people will be assessing their lives and relationships, wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. Many will mistake contentment for boredom, forgetting to cherish the good things they have. I would urge those who are considering walking away from such riches to think again. How different things would be for me now if only I'd listened to Matthew when he pleaded with me not to leave him in 1997, tears pouring down his face. I was crying too, and it tortured me to watch the heart of the man I loved breaking in front of me. But I was resolute. 'One day I might look back and realize I've made the biggest mistake of my life,' I told him as we clung to each other desperately. How prophetic those words have proven to be. 'I will always be here for you,' Matthew promised. And I, arrogantly, thought that somehow I could put him on ice and return to him. Matthew and I met when we attended the same comprehensive school in Essex. We started dating just before Christmas 1987 when I was 17 and studying for my A-levels. By that time he had left school and was working as a motorcycle courier. We got on like a house on fire, and our families each supported the relationship. Before long, we had fallen in love. Matthew was romantic but incredibly practical, something that would later come to annoy me. His gifts to me that Christmas were a leather jacket - and a pair of thermal leggings. Two weeks later, when we'd been seeing each other for less than a month, he proposed. We were in my little Mini Clubman when he shouted at me to stop the car. Scared something was wrong, I braked in the middle of traffic and we both jumped out. Then, oblivious to the other drivers beeping their horns, he got down on one knee in the middle of the road. 'I love you, Karen Cross,' he said. 'Promise you'll marry me one day.' I laughed and said yes, thrilled that he felt the same way that I did. In the summer of 1989, while out for a romantic meal, Matthew proposed properly with a diamond solitaire ring. Two months later, we held our engagement party for 40 friends and family at the little house we were renting at the time. The following year, we bought a tiny starter home in Grays, Essex, which we moved into with furniture we had begged, borrowed and stolen. We giggled with delight at the thought of this grown-up new life. I was in my first junior role at a women's magazine and Matthew worked fitting tyres and exhausts, so our combined salaries of around £15,000 a year meant we struggled to make the mortgage payments. But we didn't care, telling ourselves that it wouldn't be long before we were earning more and able to afford weekly treats and a bigger home where we could bring up the babies we had planned. But then, the housing market crashed and we were plunged into negative equity. Struggling should have brought us closer together, and at first it did. But as time went on, and my magazine career - and salary - advanced, I started to resent Matthew as he drifted from one dead-end job to another. I still loved him, but I began to feel embarrassed by his blue-collar jobs, annoyed that, despite his intelligence, he didn't have a career. Then he bought a lurid blue and pink VW Beetle. Why couldn't he drive a normal car? Things that now seem incredibly insignificant began to niggle. I began to wish he was more sophisticated and earned more. I felt envious of friends with better-off partners, who were able to support them as they started their families. I stopped seeing Matthew as my equal. I stopped seeing all the qualities that had made me fall in love with him - his fierce intelligence, our shared sense of humour, his determination not to follow the crowd. Instead, I saw someone who was holding me back. I encouraged him to find a career and was thrilled when he was accepted to join the police in 1995. It should have heralded a new chapter in our lives, but it only hastened the end. We went from spending every evening and weekend together, to hardly seeing one another. Matthew was doing round-the-clock shifts, while I worked long hours on the launch of a new magazine. Our sex life had dwindled and nights out together were rare. I stopped appreciating little things he did, like leaving romantic notes on the pillow or scouring secondhand bookshops for novels he knew I'd love. He was my best friend, yet I took him totally for granted. After festering for weeks about his shortcomings, I told Matthew I was leaving. We spent hours talking and crying as he tried to convince me to stay, but I was adamant. My parents were horrified that I was walking away from a man they felt was right for me. My father's words to me that day continue to haunt me. 'Karen, think carefully about what you're doing. There's a lot to be said for someone who truly loves you.' But, I refused to listen, convinced there would be another, better Mr Right waiting around the corner. I moved into a rented flat a few miles away in Hornchurch, Essex, and embraced single life with a vengeance. By now I was an editor on a national magazine. Life was one long round of premieres and dinner or drinks parties. Matthew and I remained close, even telling each other about new relationships. But though I'd dumped him, I never felt the women he met were good enough. I can see now I was acting out of jealousy. I clearly wanted to keep him for myself. Our closeness was, however, called to a halt in 2000 when he met his first serious girlfriend after me, Sara. One night shortly after his 34th birthday, I phoned to ask his advice about something. Matthew was unusually abrupt and asked me not to call him again. 'Please don't send me birthday or Christmas cards any more either. Sara opened your card last week and was really upset. I have to put her feelings first.' I hated the fact Matthew was suddenly putting another woman before me. How dare she come between us! Over the next few weeks, I'm ashamed to say I vented my spleen at both of them in a series of heated phone calls. I was completely irrational. I didn't want Matthew back, but felt upstaged by Sara. Unsurprisingly, after one particularly nasty argument, Matthew put the phone down and refused to take any more of my calls. I didn't realize it at the time, but I would never speak to him again. Shortly afterwards, I met Richard. It was a whirlwind romance, and within a year we were engaged and buying an idyllic farmhouse in the Norfolk countryside while I continued my journalistic career, commuting to London. He was a successful singer and, as we toured the country, I thought I had finally found the excitement and love that I craved. But Matthew was never far from my thoughts, and Richard complained that I often brought him into conversations, even comparing them both. They were so different. Although outwardly romantic, Richard was repeatedly unfaithful, and I never felt secure enough to start a family with him. Eventually, after three-and-a-half years together, he walked out, having admitted his latest paramour was pregnant by him. My life fell apart. Over the next year, I struggled to pull myself back together and did a lot of soul-searching. I finally understood what my father had meant. I realized Matthew was the only person who had loved and understood me. When I heard through a mutual friend that he had split up with Sara, I wrote to him, apologising and asking for forgiveness - and a second chance. It was six years since we had last spoken, but naively I thought he would want to hear from me. What I didn't know was that Sara was still living at the house and it was she who opened my very personal letter. It included my phone number, and she left me several angry, hurtful voicemails. Yet again, I had inadvertently caused problems in Matthew's life, so it was unsurprising I never heard from him, despite writing several times over the next few months. In the end, I left it at birthday and Christmas cards, thinking he'd find a way to get in touch if he ever changed his mind. Then, I heard a couple of years ago Matthew had married his new partner, Nicola. For a few moments I couldn't breathe, then the tears came. Matthew and Nicola still live in Essex and, as far as I know, don't yet have children. That's the next milestone I truly dread. It's been 11 years since Matthew and I last spoke, and I have to accept that door has closed. Perhaps he has found what he is looking for and I am a distant memory. I have had one other significant relationship since Richard - with Rob - but that recently ended after four years. Rob reminded me a lot of Matthew. He was decent and honourable, the life and soul of the party but with a kind and sensitive side. But we were each too jaded by previous heartbreak to make it work. And while I wanted children, he had a grown-up son and didn't want to start over again. So once again I am on my own, my mind full of 'if-onlys'. If only I'd stayed with Matthew, we'd almost certainly be married with children. Or, maybe Matthew wasn't the right man. I will never know the answer, but my decision to leave him has definitely cost me the chance of ever becoming a mother. Now I can only look back and admonish my selfish, younger self. When I visit friends and family back in our home town, I can't help but hope I'll bump into Matthew. I'd like to think I'd say sorry. That I will always be there for him. But I wouldn't be surprised if he turned his back on me and kept walking. To those out there thinking of walking away from humdrum relationships, I would say don't mistake contentment for unhappiness, as I did. It could be a choice you'll regret for the rest of your life. Dear Friends, I got a reminder on social media that today is the anniversary that I self published my 10th book: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man. On July 12, 2009 I self published it. In celebration, of this 8th anniversary of this book, I present the introduction of the this book written by Will Hicks. Enjoy! -Frank Kermit, Author Introduction to From Friends To Lovers by Will Hicks My Mother told me that it was an extreme honor when someone asks you to write an introduction or forward to their book as she was asked by one of her colleagues at work. When Frank asked me I took it as an extreme honor because of our friendship and the caliber of person that he is. Once Frank becomes your friend he’s there for you through thick and thin, rain or shine. He also makes sure he stays in communication with all his friends as well as open doors for you through friends he has that may be able to help you in any way.
The most memorable show for me was the New Years Eve show we did together. This was one of the funniest hours of my life. We talked about everything from where to go, where not to go, the mindset that you need to have...etc. The show was professionally done, as is everything the man does.
We’ve shared many private moments off the air also, friends talking shop, giving advice, and trying to help out guys that need it the most. There are a lot of pretenders out and I can say not just with my own experiences but also out of the mouths of countless others that Frank Kermit is No Pretender. His body of work speaks for itself and I’m honored to be a part of that great body of work. When Frank speaks it’s always from the heart and he’s speaking from experience. He genuinely doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes as he did or take some of the roads that he’s traveled. I’d say he generous to a fault with an infectious smile and as cool as the other side of the pillow. Once you enter his world, Frank becomes your mentor, coach, confidant, counselor and most importantly Friend. So enjoy what’s about to happen next. There will probably be things along the way that you disagree with or don’t like but you’ll always appreciate where they’re coming from, that I can assure you. Also know that Frank Kermit wouldn’t have you do something that he wouldn’t do himself. Will Hicks, Dating Coach Love is Not A Power Play: A New Constitution For Conscious Relationships by Arun Eden-Lewis I realized in my late teens that attempting to blame and shame white people into giving me a break by regularly reminding them of more than 400 years of slavery was counterproductive.When, eventually, I let go of my anger and embraced forgiveness, I noticed that people (for the most part) started to treat me not as a black man, but simply as a human being. Similarly, reminding men in every discussion on gender parity of hundreds of years of patriarchy, not only to justify the drive for equality but also preferential treatment and sometimes abusive behavior, is also counterproductive. I am not suggesting we forget the injustices of history but I am suggesting we lay them to rest and forgive the sins of our fathers in order to progress together. Recently, I wrote an article on the commonly-asked question, “Where have all the good men gone?” It generated a lot of heat, as well as plenty of constructive discussion. We have come a long way since the suffrage movement of the 19th century, but clearly there is still some way further to go to achieve genuine gender equality. The challenge we now face is to realize that equality for women without simultaneously tearing down men to achieve it. In our work and all our endeavors together, as conscious men and women, we must stand up for equality together, knowing that one day we will be equal, not only by the laws of the land but also in our hearts and minds. Presently, we seem to be caught in a destructive dynamic of battling sexes, but I believe we can find healthier and more constructive ways to achieve gender parity. Our challenge is to adopt more balanced policies of cooperation, rather than the competitive and adversarial tribalism so apparent in many of our current institutions, sociopolitical systems, and modes of thought-behavior, rooted so firmly in outdated paradigms of “us against them.” I believe our society can evolve beyond these adversarial paradigms—evolve consciously and purposefully in our core humanity and genuinely embrace equality, not just in the letter of our laws but also embrace the spirit and ideals of equality where no laws are present. We appear to live in a society where the system is geared to please some of the people some of the time. No single system known can please all of the people all of the time. However, I believe we can and will create a more humanitarian and tolerant society that pleases most of the people most of the time. I believe we can form more harmonious unions, cultivate domestic and occupational peace, encourage the common defense of justice, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of equality in our pursuit of happiness, through an evolved “constitution of conscious men and women.” Dating dynamics: Perhaps the two most destructive elements in many modern relationships between men and women are the “power struggle” and the “jealousy game.” These two modes of behavior are often intertwined and their definitions blur each into the other as a consequence. But what is clear is that once these insidious games are initiated, a relationship is usually on a countdown to self-destruction. The power struggle is essentially the game couples play to determine who is the protagonist in the relationship. This inevitably creates a dynamic where the potential protagonist is both actively and passively being opposed, rivaled, and competed with by the antagonist. In essence, the lead and supporting actors are trying to steal every scene from each other. What makes the power struggle so complex is that, in any given situation, the roles of protagonist and antagonist can be and often are reversed. The power struggle involves controlling the activities of a partner, where they go, what they do and who they do it with. It involves the habitual criticism, shaming, and ridiculing of what a partner says, does, and how they say and do it. These power plays are designed to achieve one thing: to undermine the self-esteem and confidence of a partner, and, conversely, to make the perpetrator feel empowered. But empowerment obtained from the debasement of another is not true power, it is merely a temporary tyranny. One of the most destructive tactics used within the power struggle is the jealousy game. Indeed, a game within a game only adds to its virulent nature. The jealousy game involves flirting with members of the opposite sex, and being sure our significant other knows about it. It involves letting our partner know just how attracted we are to celebrities and stars, implying our partner’s comparative success is inadequate. It involves habitually bringing ex-partners into conversations to provoke the green-eyed monster. This tedious tit-for-tat game rarely, if ever, has a happy ending. Increasingly, the 21st century extension of the jealousy game is to use an electronic device of some kind—a computer, a tablet, but especially a smartphone—as a way of denying organic attention to a partner. These devices are an essential part of modern life, no doubt, but in the context of the Power Struggle they also serve as a way to detach from and passively dominate partners. When the Power Struggle inevitably spirals out of control, tempers flare into heated arguments, often leading to verbal and or physical violence. But we should note that, by the time conflict has reached this boiling-point, it has usually been preceded by protracted mental and emotional violence in the form of the simmering Power Struggle. This raises the phenomenon of “toxic debate.” Toxic debate is characterized by discussion that is no longer based in calm, logical, or rational argument, but rather in high emotions, degrading language, and name-calling. It involves attempted character assassination, blaming and shaming, raised voices and, sadly, raised hands. The solution? Awareness of the game itself allows us to consciously choose not to play by its rules. If you find yourself caught in the power struggle and calm, rational, non-blaming discussions do not change the relationship dynamics then walk away from the partnership before the real damage is done. Refuse even to participate in toxic debate. Love is not a power play; it is a stage where we can be strong or vulnerable and feel entirely trusted, trusting, and safe. Conscious men and women understand this and, increasingly, are making far better choices regarding who they date. The less conscious among us are so conditioned by the rules of the power struggle that they are either unwilling or unable to engage in a different and healthier way of being in a relationship. This kind of person, often unconsciously, sees compromise and fair-mindedness in their significant other merely as an opportunity to exert control over their partner. Date them at your peril. Marriage and family: Because of the emotional and financial risks attached to modern marriage, it is reasonable to understand the unwillingness of some to invest and trust in the institution. If we find ourselves in a relationship where only one partner wants to be married, then the prudent attitude for this partner is to accept the choice of the other partner, hard as it may be to do. Pressuring someone into marriage is not a fair indication of love or commitment, from either party. Hopefully, by the time a couple decides to get married, all the power plays would have been rejected in favor of trust, equality, and love. Sadly, there is on average a 50 percent chance modern marriages will fail, usually because the Power Struggle either continues from the preceding dating days, or it has been lying dormant and manifests once the knot is tied. A marriage between a conscious man and woman is an equal partnership, there is no protagonist or antagonist, no lead and supporting actors—rather, it is an ensemble piece. Cooperation is preferable above and beyond competition. Flexible interdependence is preferable above and beyond strong independence. Conscious caring is preferable above and beyond cloying codependents. The conscious husband and wife have clear and defined roles. That is not to suggest roles are fixed and rigid, but rather that all the responsibilities of marriage are known and shared, so that both parties feel equally valued and of value. These shared responsibilities and values cannot and should not be prescribed here, rather they are the prerogative of each couple to establish for themselves with open, honest, and fair-minded conversations. Often the guidance of an impartial arbitrator is helpful, in the form of a qualified counselor or perhaps parents from both sides of the family. Regarding divorce: Now is an appropriate time to pull aside the romanticized veil of marriage and see it, not only with the rose-tinted sentiments of love, but also with the clear-lenses practicalities of a business. There is no doubt that love is the most beautiful business when it goes right, but when it goes wrong it can be the most terrible and brutal. Prenuptial agreements can avoid long and costly disputes in divorce. Prenuptial agreements can be shaped and tailored to the specific requirements of each marriage: to protect assets, to define the distribution of property upon divorce, to protect one party from assuming the debts of the other, conditions of alimony, and much more besides. Generally, the issues of child support and child custody cannot be included in a prenuptial agreement, but rather the courts usually determine for themselves what is in the best interest of the children on a case by case basis. As the parameters and legality of prenuptial agreements differ from state to state and country to country, it would be advisable to consult an appropriate solicitor to clarify the laws and conditions applicable to prenuptial agreements relevant to each region. Increasingly, the conscious man and woman seldom enter into marriage relying solely on faith and good fortune to see them through. They also employ the prudence of the law to insure their rights. We routinely insure everything from our pets to our vacations–it makes perfect sense then to insure, to some degree at least, our marriages also. War in the workplace: Next to our homes, the workplace is probably the fiercest battleground in the war of the sexes. There are so many issues to attend: equal opportunity, equal pay, sexual harassment…too many topics to fully cover here. So, I will take a broad stroke instead. One of the less obvious perpetuation of the gender war in the workplace, but not exclusive to it, are the mindlessly repeated slogans of our social conditioning, “men can’t multi-task,” “women are too emotionally unstable for positions of authority,” “men have better spatial awareness than women,” “women mature quicker than men,” and on and on it goes ad nausea. These kinds of prejudicial attitudes are often sugar-coated with a dose of worn-out humor to help us swallow the bitter pill, or worse, still supported by some spurious scientific study to reinforce stereotypes that belong firmly in the past. A word of caution, though: These kinds of wayward attitudes do not require zealous politically correct thought-police to name, shame, and punish the guilty, but rather civil conversations between colleagues, many no doubt previously unaware of the damage this kind of insipid social conditioning does, and how its prejudices creep up on us slowly and become normalized. Take “women can’t read maps” or “women are more intuitive than men,” for example. These kinds of socially engineered viruses are often received from some gossipy glossy magazine or tatty television segment, backed up by a suitably bespectacled doctor, professor or scientist, then endlessly recycled via social-media. Before we realize it, they have become universal truisms, but fortunately for the conscious men and women among us, they do not become the universal truth. Since the birth of science, human beings have used its discoveries to attack each other. We should not use the perceived legitimacy of science, in all its forms, to legitimize beating each other over the head, metaphorically or literally. The authority of a white laboratory coat, so to speak, should only go so far before we stop to think for ourselves, otherwise science becomes little more than an unquestioned religion. When we stop throwing these neuro-sexism slogans at one another the workplace will become a much friendlier environment to spend half of our lives. When conscious men and women are friends, the possibilities in life are endless. We can work with each other as equals, rather than continually competing against one other. Studies and statistics are but a beginning, not an end to issues of equality: Through research, I have found studies and statistics that either reinforce, refute, or re-evaluate the many gender issues in discussion here. For example, research on the wage-gap will provide pertinent information outlining its reality and how to redress it, and other credible research claiming laws currently in place guaranteeing men and women equal pay for equal work have all but eliminated the pay-gap. So, it seems that we are waging a war of the sexes, not only in the bedroom and the boardroom, but also in the sciences and study groups funded both by governments and private organizations. The findings of these studies are then used to legitimize one political agenda or another. But, as the phrase made popular by Mark Twain goes, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” We must then also give trust to the day to day experiences that we share with the men and women in our own lives. How are we treating and being treated as fellow human beings? We are in the midst of the so-called information age, but it is possible to rely too much on the information we are being fed through the media and social-media and not enough on our personal experiences, which may give us a more complete and real-world picture regarding what is actually happening with issues of equality and social justice in general. In the process of gaining and maintaining equality, conscious men and women must guard diligently against falling foul to the same misdemeanors of those clinging to the old adversarial patterns and power struggles. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for equality by drinking from the bitter cup of anger. We must always conduct our struggle from the platform of patience and compassion. We must never allow our protests, passionate though they are, to degenerate into verbal or physical violence. And if such violence are perpetrated against us, as is so often the current trend, we must rise above them, meeting aggression with fearless and peaceful determination. Now is the time for armistice, now is the time for conscious men and women to walk away from the brutal battlefield of the warring sexes and to lift up our fatigued faces to the sunlight of gender equality and social justice. There will always be those unwilling or unable to change. However, conscious men and women are not gender evangelists, we do not seek to change sour wine into sweet, but respectfully agree to disagree and peacefully allow the naysayers to go their own way. In the course of our progress, it becomes necessary to dissolve certain modes of being belonging to previous times and to assume, instead, the equality to which the laws of humanity and nature entitle us. In the wake of that progress, we shall enjoy new freedoms, expressed in the true equality of men and women, by men and women, for men and women, so that we will no longer judge or be judged by the character of our gender but rather by the content of our character. This truth is self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, and indeed that some are not more equal than others. I believe we are all inherently blessed by the laws of nature with certain undeniable rights, among them: equality, freedom, and the unimpeded pursuit of happiness. ~ Re-read: I’ll Tell you Where all the Good Men have Gone.~ Author: Arun Eden-Lewis
Is there such a thing as Happily Single? By Frank Kermit Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life. Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, o r even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you.
Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of.
In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon. This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited. Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life. It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change. When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: "Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person?" There is no set answer. It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question.
If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it.
If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date. Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. I'll Tell You Where All The Good Men Have Gone by Arun Eden-Lewis Search the words, “Where have all the good men gone?” and dozens of anecdotes, articles, blogs, and books will appear on your screen. Overwhelmingly, this question is posed by women, discussed by women, and answered by women. This, ironically, is an essential reason for these so called man-deserts—men are simply not being asked to contribute their opinions and perspectives. And the good men themselves are increasingly less likely to offer their point of view, for many reasons. I do not seek to apportion blame here, on either side, but simply to address this question from the seldom-heard voice that is the object of the question itself: good men. The last 100 years of suffragettes, feminists, and political correctness have challenged and continue to challenge thousands of years of patriarchy—and rightly so. Consequently, the roles of both men and women have been transformed and redefined. While we struggle to adjust to the new and still evolving status quo, the war of the sexes has taken millions of casualties. In Western culture, divorce rates for first marriages range from 42 percent in the U.K. to 53 percent in the U.S. to a staggering 71 percent in Belgium. Subsequent marriages fare even worse. The spectre of divorce is another contributing factor in the conspicuously expanding man-deserts. Many men, having seen their fathers broken by divorce, fear the loss of their assets, their homes, and their children and are simply stacking their chips, choosing not to gamble, and checking out of the marriage casino. Family courts invariably award primary custody to the mother, while the father is restricted to weekend access, supervised visits, or left to literally climb the walls of Buckingham Palace in a superhero costume to protest rights for dads. Men—will they ever grow up? The ridicule and debasement of men in the media and mainstream culture is now pervasive. Watch a commercial, sitcom, or movie, and invariably an immature man-child or dumb dad is the butt of the joke—the hapless buffoon. Fortunately, these silly men are always saved from themselves by a smart, witty woman or a conscripted, eye-rolling child. The emasculation of men has become normalized. Sensibly, rather than have their balls cut off (sometimes literally, and that often gets a good laugh), men are running for cover in their droves, leaving women mystified and asking, “Where have all the good men gone?” When I was in secondary school, perhaps 14 years old, there was a girl who patrolled the playground, egged on by her gang of girlfriends, kicking the boys between the legs. Clearly, she had been informed by someone this was the quickest, easiest, and funniest way to bring those stupid boys down to earth. One day it was my turn. Caught by surprise, I crumpled to the ground after a swift kick to the balls, in too much agony even to cry out. Oh, how the girls laughed! Even then, I abhorred a bully. The following day, I found my attacker in the playground and, contrary to my upbringing, without warning I kicked her swiftly between the legs. To everyone’s surprise she also crumpled to the ground, in too much agony to cry out. A crowd of cheering boys slapped me on the back—their new avenger. The girls stared at me wide-eyed in shock—a boy who fought back? No one had told them that was allowed, surely it was against the rules! Equality: it’s a son of a gun. I remember feeling no satisfaction or honour in defeating a weaker adversary but sometimes, especially in the case of a bully, personal satisfaction and honour is not the point—standing up to their aggression is. As I grew into a man—a good man—I learned to walk away from provocation, as most good men do. Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!” Remember the T-shirts launched in 2003? Followed by coffee mugs, posters, even a book.“Boys tell lies, poke them in the eyes!” Another favourite for young girls at the time. It took a fathers’ rights activist to have this merchandise removed from thousands of retail stores. Inevitably, he was ridiculed by a myopic majority. Presently, in some areas of the U.K., 80 percent of primary schools have three male teachers or less, one quarter of primary schools have no male teachers at all, and some towns have 65 percent single mother families. Man-deserts indeed. A young boy can go to school and have no adult male role model, and then return home and have no adult male role models. Young girls are achieving significantly higher academic standards than young boys. This feminisation of schools spills over into university, then the workplace, and eventually the home, completing the insipid cycle and the marginalization of both boys and men. I was born in 1968. I grew up with a strong mother, four stronger sisters, and no father. I was taught, not only by my family but also by wider society, to regard women as my equal, and I always have. Yet, unknown to me, a generation of women were being indoctrinated and trained with a sharp-edged tool kit designed to emasculate men. Men have been subjugating women for centuries; now, they’re getting payback. It seems only fair. The fox has turned on the hounds and she’s packing a punch, or a kick to the balls. But the nature of men when faced with a fight is to fight back, either psychologically or physically. Clearly there are no winners in this scenario. The relentless competitive struggle to determine who wears the trousers is simply a turnoff for many men. Many are just opting out of the kind of psychological warfare that is common in relationships today, unwilling to engage in the minefield of mind games, which are usually executed in three ways. The first is the habitual belittling and denigration of men, in private or in front of friends, family or colleagues, for what is supposed to pass as humour. The second is letting a man know, casually of course, that other men are sexy, have better looks, more money, talent, or fame. The third, and perhaps the most destructive is being told over and over, “We don’t need no man. Men are obsolete.” I’ve lost count of how often I’ve heard this since adolescence. If you tell a man often enough that he is surplus to requirements, eventually he will stop expending his energy to convince you and himself otherwise. Men are rapidly waking up to this phenomenon of man-bashing, so much so that a disillusioned social movement has arisen with its own freshly-minted acronym: MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way. Supported by websites and online forums, men are regrouping with a common cause, a sense of brotherhood, and finding their voices again. The essential precepts of MGTOW are financial independence, rejection of chivalry, social preconceptions of what a man should be, and consumer culture which defines masculinity by a man’s house, car, clothes, watch, or cologne. It is the refusal to be shamed into conventional compliance by being told to “man up.” Many aggrieved MGTOW refuse to marry or even date Western women, the more ardent among them consciously choosing non-committal relationships, strippers, pornography, or celibacy. Above all, goes the MGTOW mantra, maintain sovereignty of self. I have been dating for more than 35 years, and back in the 1980s, a man was expected to pay for the movie tickets, dinner, flowers, chocolate, the diamond ring, the house. In each subsequent decade these social conventions have slowly eroded, yet to a greater or lesser extent still remain. Long-held social biases, like the wage gap for example, take time to bring to full equality. It is important to recognize, however, that equality is a two-way street. It is abundantly clear that many men and women are struggling to walk along that street in close proximity, let alone hand in hand. Why? Because for a century we have been digging up and bulldozing said street. Now, it’s full of potholes, power struggles, and barely fit to travel. Yet travel it we must. The original message of equality has been somewhat skewed. Women often recycle the poorly thought-out doctrine that they are the same as men. Equality is not always sameness, and sameness is not always equality. For example, women have equal opportunity to go to war and fight side by side with men, but the physical standards to allow them to do so are not the same. And this can be seen across a whole spectrum of professions, from firefighters to ballet dancers. Equality is not always sameness. Difference is diversity, and should be a cause for celebration, not dogmatic elimination. Men are often told (but, again, not asked) they are afraid of strong independent women. Many men, tired of such futile debates and wary of being branded a misogynist if they dare to disagree, are simply shutting down and becoming emotionally unavailable to women, taking permanent residence in their man-caves. The truth is, men love strong and independent women—it turns them on, in every way. What men don’t love are the predominantly masculine traits that often go along with the package. The relentless competitiveness (necessary in the workplace no doubt, but hardly necessary at home in a loving relationship), the verbal aggression, the emotional manipulation, and the psychological controlling are huge turn-offs. Increasingly, men are just not interested in competing at work and then having to come home and compete with their partners. In the sphere of heterosexual relationships, most women are not attracted to emasculated feminine men, which is fair enough. By the same token, most men are not attracted to masculine, domineering women. So, these are some of the general and specific issues creating man-deserts, from the perspective of good men. But what solutions are there? Waking up to our social conditioning is a good place to start. Many women are beginning to reject the modern brand of feminism, the so called third-wave that is tantamount to thinly veiled misandry. Equally many men, for two or three generations now, are rejecting the attitude that a woman is some kind of second class citizen. We clearly have work to do on both sides. Letting go of these destructive modes of thought, communication, and behaviour is an essential process for healthier and happier relationships between men and women. However, denying these issues will in no way change the interpersonal landscape for the better, and women will continue to ask, “Where have all the good men gone?” while wandering an ever-expanding and barren man-desert. So, where have all the good men gone? For now they have gone their own way. But they are out there, in the same desert, contentedly swimming in the oases they have found for themselves, no doubt waiting for the fourth-wave of feminism to wash over them so we can all truly embrace equality, just like the first-wave promised.
Your Choices Today Become The Past You Have To Share Tomorrow By Frank Kermit Young adults tend to discount how the choices they make today will impact their futures tomorrow. At least, when it comes to relationships. The best example of this is the young adults who are swayed to enter into the world of the sex trade. These 18-23 year olds are convinced that what they do today just to make enough money to get by will not be something that affects their futures. Sometimes it is people within the industries that try to convince potential porn stars and exotic dancers how no one will ever recognize their faces in the future. Sometimes it is the young adults themselves who rationalize that since they do not have any aspirations to form a public career that the chances of this being used against them are nil. However, that is simply not the case. Stories of former porn stars losing their jobs as high school teachers are real. When their past catches up with them in the hands of underage students who have passed around sex videos of the teacher through their phones, there is very little a teacher can do. Even when the former porn stars in question are ready to handle the ordeal of having every one of those students knowing such intimate images of the teacher, it may not matter. The school administration and sometimes the parents of the students as well, may demand that the teacher be fired anyway. Stories of former exotic dancers or escort service providers, running into past clients at boardroom meetings are real. Does it matter that a university student put themselves through school with sex trade work and independently earned that entry-level executive position? To some it may not matter at all. To others, it could matter a great deal, and enough so that it could be an obstacle on a personal career path. The best advice anyone can give to a young adult is to remind him or her that even if they have no interest in a career that could be affect by their choices today, or even if they do not plan to be parents, over the course of a lifetime, things can change very dramatically. No one can predict exactly how things are going to change and turn out. As a young adult, you may not really care about the consequences of your actions…but the older adult you become may feel differently about it. With all that said, I want to be fair ...and state that there actually are a number of sex trade workers that are more than happy doing what they are doing, do so proudly and are willing to admit it and accept the fact that this part of their lives will follow them forever. Those who have the best grasp of this are those that fully accept the consequences of their past (and possible present) career choices. That means that they acknowledge the good elements (the hours, the pay) and are forthright about the bad elements (bad clients, discrimination, possible unsafe working conditions). An insider on the porno industry once told me that many of the flight-by-night starlets that disappear after a handful of appearances end up living very normal quiet lives as married soccer moms. They also live with the fear that someone who knows them may find their obscure videos, recognize them, and threaten their new life with it. If you have a past that might threaten your future, the best things you can do about it is be honest with your future long-term partner and check out if they also can accept it, and handle the potential consequences. If you are getting into a serious relationship with someone, to the point where you are thinking about getting married, then you must consider putting your fiancé through the ultimate test before he or she becomes your spouse. Think of your deepest, darkest, most horrible thing that you did in your past that you make it a point not to tell anyone. If you think that sharing that experience would cause your fiancé not to marry you then you have a choice. Take the chance and tell them anyway knowing you might lose your relationship, or do not get married and end the relationship altogether. The truth about all our pasts has a funny way of surfacing, and at the worst possible times. At some point it is very likely that your future spouse is going to be made aware of elements from your past. The best thing you can do is prepare your spouse-to-be with whatever it is that someone might try to use against you and your family. It is better your future spouse hears it from you before it becomes an issue that could threaten your future children. Whether it is bullies in the schoolyard that taunt your kids with proof of your past, or extortionists who would seek to blackmail you by threatening to reveal your scary secret, being honest with your soon-to-be spouse is the best way to build a foundation for a relationship that will withstand any outside force that attempts to destroy you. Frank Kermit *****************
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Why Are Good Looking People Still Single? by Frank Kermit Dating Dilemmas 81, this is Frank Kermit's 122nd appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and sponsor Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
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