Blog of Frank Kermit of Frank Talks

Waiting For Your Partner To Change

7/16/2016

Waiting For Your Partner To Change

Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit

Can people change? Yes, people can change.

If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).

The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.

The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.

In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.

It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.

When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.

You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.

Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.

The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.

If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.

It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.

There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.

However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.

When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.

Frank Kermit

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Ultimatums In Love

7/16/2016

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Relationship Ultimatums

Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit

Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.

Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.

However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.

An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.

If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.

This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.

I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.

If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.

Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).

However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.

Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.

The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.

If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.

No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.

Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).

If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.

Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.

When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.

Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.

This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.

That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.

Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?

What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.

For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.

What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?

In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.

Frank Kermit

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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?

7/10/2016

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You Cursed or Making Bad Choices

Make A Change

Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit

Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.

Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.

However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.

You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.

Financially broke?

You made choices to end up there.

Heartbroken?

You made choices to end up there.

Unhealthy?

You made choices that end up there.

For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.

We ALL make some bad choices.

The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.

Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.

I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.

I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.

Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”

And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.

Some were still the wrong choice.

Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.

I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.

To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer

Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.

So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.

Frank Kermit

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