People are having MORE SEX during Covid, not less
I wasn't sure if I should even write this particular article given the potential controversy of this subject.
Upon reflection I decided that whereas some people would be completely surprised, those already involved won't be shocked at all.
When Covid first hit and we went into the first lockdown, my first reaction was that I better focus on new ways to make a living because coaching for dating was dead. I mean, who is going to make dating a priority during the lockdown? In fact, I remember reading social media forums and comments about how people were going to give up casual sex, and use their time in quarantine to get to know people online for weeks before being allowed to meet in person.
Seems logical right?
I have been a dating coach for a little over 20 years at this point, and I haven't seen this level of dating and hook ups in all that time. People are having way more sex during covid, than they did prior to covid. I have been riding the wave ever since.
I wanted to share with you dear reader, what I see happening and why I believe it is happening based on what my client base shares with me.
The first lockdown was a wake up call for many single people. I saw a similar phenomena prior to covid. A person goes through a personal crisis, or major sense of loss, and it helps them re-prioritize their life and gets them to make their love life a priority.
Normally, I have clients that suffered some kind of major loss. These examples may include the love of their life just dumped them, or a parent dies, or they lose a career. Usually these occurrences make people realize their mortality, how little time they actually have left to have a great life, or how uncertain life can be, and thus they better go after something they really want (like losing their virginity, having great sex, or being in an amazing relationship).
When the first lockdown hit and started to last longer they they expected (about 3 weeks in), people started to realize something...that they were NOT happy...at least, they were not as happy as they thought they were.
For example, a couple of my clients told me that once lockdown hit, and they found themselves single and alone, they tried to live with a friend. Figuring it would be best to live with a friend for companionship, since neither had a significant other, and neither one would have to be alone...turns out some people are single for a reason, and are impossible to live with. WAKE UP CALL! Yup, it's you, not the other people you dated...it was YOU all the time...you just are not worth the hassle to be with and impossible to live with. Even your friends cannot stand you now.
A large number of clients come from the "happily single" cluster. Suddenly, without being able to go drinking and dancing with friends, visit family, going to the gym to socialize, going to the movies, or simply hanging out in a warm and comfortable cafe to catch up on some reading they discovered something really profound. They actually were NOT "happy being single" at all. They just had a lot of options available to fill in their time. Now with those options gone, being single and free from all the responsibility and commitment that a relationship requires...does not feel like freedom anymore. In fact, one client described it as being in a cage where you are both the prisoner and the warden at the same time, and not realizing it until the bars are closed. (Intentional play on words there).
The single parent group was another hard hit mass. Many single parents faced the hard truth that the casual flings that occupied their time had no interest in saving them once Covid hit. It is hard enough for a single parent to find lasting commitment in dating, but during a time of crisis (just like corona brought on), it seems that everyone who loved to have sex with you, had no desire to step up and help your kids survive anything. Even the platonic friends of single parents started to focus on looking out for themselves, and hoarding food and essentials, because no one knew what was going to happen next. Suddenly single parents realized maybe the ONLY person that had a vested interest in seeing their kids survive, were the partners they left because married life with those stable parents was just a little too boring. It seems that some (not all, and certainly not enough) of those single parents are now focused on seeking a better step-parent for their kids, than the concern of how much chemistry (in the form of butterflies in the stomach) the next fling can generate.
For over 20 years, one of my specialties was helping men (as young as their 20s and as old as their early 70s) lose their virginity. These are men that never had a girlfriend, and refuse to pay for sex because they want emotional intimacy, not just a physical release. When the lockdown starting hitting different parts of the world, I notice a slight spike in the sales of my ebook: The Adult Male Virgin Handbook.
A number of people coming to me now, are people that have heard of me, or known of my services for quiet some time, but were never ready to start coaching. Well, it seems Covid has made them ready...the thought that they were going to be single going into the next lockdowns was too much for them...and understandably so.
The one thing so many of these groups of people have in common is that Covid has changed them. The thought that there was nothing left to distract them from the misery they feel in not having a more emotionally fulfilling relationship.
I have heard it said that grief can make someone horny, and that facing mortality can shift a person's focus to seeking more sex. Well, I would have to agree with those assessments, if what is being reported to me is true.
Here is what is being reported to me by the people I coached (past and present) about their sex lives during coivd:
-people are looking up the ones they rejected and giving them a chance
-people that have just wanted to be friends are now initiating something romantic
-people having sex sooner than later (people that used to wait months are no longer holding out)
-when dating online, anyone refusing to meet in person in less than a week gets ghosted without a second thought (no long drawn out conversations online lasting weeks)
-people are going over to the homes of their dates for sex, even if they only met 2-3 times
-anyone that refuses to have sex right away gets ghosted
-no one wants to agree to being "just friends" anymore and stay in touch with anyone that rejected them
-anyone wanting faster exclusivity is left with the unpleasant task of either accepting non-exclusivity or walking away, because no one wants to be exclusive right away for fear of it not working out and ending up alone in the next stricter lockdown. They want to keep dating as many people as possible to keep their options open
-the sex is taking place behind closed doors and in secret. No one is sharing the details of their sexual encounters with their friends anymore for fear of being shamed or bullied for not social distancing. Yes, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY are possibly out there getting some, and no, they aren't going to tell you about it.
In fact (and this is a personal pet peeve of mine), many of the most promiscuous individuals seem to be hiding behind the the social media masks of pushing others to social distance. These individuals are the living embodiment of Do As I Say Not As I Do.
As a coach, people share the details of their lives with me (even those that are not clients). I do not judge, professional or personally, so people tend to open up and tell me things they do not tell others. I find it sad that they go out of their way to push one agenda, when living another...I hope for them that at least they are not so vocal about their public positions, given that the positions that do in private might leave them open to exposure.
-for people in relationships, they seem to be at one of two extremes. Either they were planning to break up eventually but the thought of being stuck in quarantine with someone has pushed them to end the relationship right now, or the couple realize that things aren't so bad after all, and they would rather work out their differences than to get out there and date again, especially with social distancing making things more challenging.
If you are looking for some dating tips for Covid times, here they are:
If you are looking for some dating tips for Covid times, here they are:
1-First date: Dinner date over media (skype, facetime, etc..) Each of you dress up, make yourself presentable, prepare your favorite romantic meals, light the candles and have a date. I know it is not the same as a real in person dinner date. The point is to put in the same effort you would have if you were meeting in person. Action creates emotion, and this is a great way to start.
If that works well,
2-Second date: Meet in person and social distance. A walk in the park, or even of social distance picnic. Fly a kite. No close quarters and a step more intimate than an online dinner date from home.
3-Third date: Up to you. You can try to have more social distance dates, but anyone who is serious about wanting something more will only go on a limited number of social distance dates. Dating is NOT for making friends. Dating is for finding lovers and long term serious companions. If you are ready to risk being alone together, that is your choice. If not, set your boundaries and see if the other person is ready to be on the same level as you. If that person is not, then you dodged a bullet and move on to the next person to date. As long as you are both consenting adults, it is no one else's business.
For people that enjoy the hook up culture, it would seem this is a great time for them, and not so much for people that want to take their time and get to know a potential future lover very well first.
For people that never made getting sex, or finding a serious relationship a priority before, some of them are waking up to the fact that now is a good time to connect with someone and they are getting out there, before it is illegal to get out there.
The general consensus is that no one wants to be alone going into the next strict-rules lockdown.
And no one feels they have time to go slow.
If you do engage in extra-sexual activity, or even hyper sexuality activity, I can only ask that you do your best to protect yourself, and those around you. It is not my place to tell you what to do with your lives. I am your coach, your guide, but I am not the boss of you.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes