The Mother-Lover Theory:
Understanding the Emotional Needs of Women
By Frank Kermit
 

A woman can only play one of two roles in a man's life.
She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both.

When a man addresses a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover.

When a man violates a woman's emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.
 

For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner.
 

When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.
 

Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless friend-zone. If there was one common element that all "just friends" males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These nice guys, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.
 
Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women's emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those -bad boys-. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any mothering behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for -mothering- advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don't like listening to a woman's helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her "nagging". In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.

 
Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman's emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship.
 

I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being "mom" or "step mom". Make sure that you remind your lady that she is more than just her children's mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner's mother too.


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When To Listen To Your Heart
By Frank Kermit
 

Some time ago, a client whose love life was a little messed up, asked me why it was so, given that she always listened to her heart.
 
After all, isn’t that what people are supposed to do when it comes to romance relationships?  Isn’t listening to your heart the best way to find the correct and clear answers?
 
In my experience, the only honest response I could offer her was, “Well, it depends.”
 

The notion that a person’s heart will always lead them to what is best for them is a wonderful idea. In practicality however, it is nothing more than an intellectual construct. 
 

Not because the heart of a person would not know, but because it depends on what that heart happens to already know.
 

Just because something feels right, does not make it the right choice to make, if your heart hasn’t learned what is in your actual best interest. 
 

The heart wants what it wants. Just like a child that has yet to mature, and allow for life experience to take effect, to gradually teach the child (and the heart of a child) about what it should want for itself.
 

Basically, if your heart wants something that is actually the worst possible choice for you, your heart might not share that little secret, because your heart just does not know any better.
 

With that said, there are times when what your heart is telling you simply cannot be neglected. If your heart does not tell you directly, it may signal something to you intuitively.
 

That gnawing feeling that there is something you have to acknowledge, even if you are unable to articulate it. That kind of instinct can, when properly active, lead you to where you were meant to be. 
 

However, even if your heart intuition happens to be correct in one area of your life, for example, a career decision, an educational path, your health management, or the choice of a life partner and future parent of your children, does not automatically mean that your heart can guide you in any other particular area. 
 

No matter what your particular expertise and where you happen to have succeeded previously listening to your heart, it is not necessarily an indication that your heart knows best for the other areas of your life.
 

The best indicator of whether or not you should listen to your heart is your heart’s past performance in that particular area of your life. 
 

If your heart has always guided you well in financial areas in the past, you have evidence that you can likely trust your heart to guide you in the near future. 
 

If your heart has led you astray in your quest to find a loving relationship and stable commitment partner, then that is the tell tale sign that listening to your heart could be the last thing you should do at this point in time.


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This is a contributed post.

Single and Celebrating Valentine’s
By Frank Kermit
 
It’s almost Valentine’s Day (V-Day), and you are single and that is OK. No, really. There is no sin to being single on any day of the year, V-day or not.
 
This is no time for individuals to belittle themselves, just because the people in relationships around them get a reminder to celebrate being a couple. In fact, just because people are involved romantically, does not guarantee they are any happier than those people who are single and loving it. Do not get caught up in any marketing campaigns that are designed to make you feel less of a person just because you are in-between relationships, or that you find yourself more content just being on your own. 
 
Valentine’s Day is a great day to remind couples to appreciate each other and to give them an excuse to show each other affection. (With that said, it is important to point out that many breakups actually occur on V-day because that same reminder also points out to some couples they are better off single). Valentine’s Day is also a great day to celebrate your love for yourself, and to make yourself happy for a day as well.
 
Being single on Valentine’s Day can be an adventure if you choose to make it such. Is there something you have been meaning to try, but never get around to doing it? Is there a new restaurant that you have been meaning to check out?  A movie still in theaters you couldn’t get anyone to go see with you? A gift for yourself that you wanted to buy but felt it was not the right time to acquire it? Are there places you have been eagerly tempted to visit, but were waiting for the right person to attend with you, just to share in the possible taboo? Well, stop waiting.
 
Do it today. Do it for yourself. Do it because you matter and you are worth it.  You do not need to be seeing someone else to do all the things you held off doing.  You are allowed to do it, now, today, being single, and just do it for you.
 
You always have the power of choice.
 
You can choose to let V-day get to you in the worse possible ways, and fall victim to the pity-party that has sparked so many Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments…or you can choose to be happy for those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they like, and be compassionate and nurturing to yourself, and make it a special  “I love me” day, whether or not you are looking for someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you next year.
 
Celebrate you! Celebrate being single! Just because it is V-day does not mean you have to feel down about yourself in any respect. It is a time when you must appreciate everything you’ve got going in your life, and to be positive towards yourself, single or not.


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The 5 Extreme Effects of Valentine’s Day
 By Frank Kermit
 
Sometimes people will use Valentine’s Day as a catalyst for something significant. Some of those significant undertakings can be life changing, while others just re-confirm what human beings tend to forget or take for granted. Here are some examples of the extreme effects that Valentine’s Day can have on people, and the actions they are motivated to take.
 
 
The Confessional: Valentine’s Day is notorious for people confessing their undying love to someone that has thus far been just a friend. At times it is a long drawn out secret-admirer type of communication with the admirer being revealed on Valentine’s Day.  The problem with this method is that the anticipation of discovering whom it is overshadows the reality of who the admirer actually is. The build up is so high, that even a great date candidate might still not live up to fantasy built up in someone’s mind, and makes the climax of the secret revealed be a let down.  Other times, it is a person who has been planning and rehearing a “You Mean The World To Me” speech. The intention is good but I strongly discourage such execution. This only works if the other person already likes you. There are a few people who would welcome this level of attention and reward it with a date to see where things go. However, most people do not react well from the extra pressure, and it can be a bit intimidating to get to know someone romantically that already has very strong feelings. More often than not (at least what I have seen in my coaching practice over the years), rejection is usually the response.  Ask the person out for a date on Valentine’s Day if you wish, but confessing an undying love to someone that may not feel it is deserved or merited is more likely to scare the person off. 
 
 
The Break Up: Valentine’s Day is a day of reflection, and sometimes that means that people who reflect on the relationship they are in, or reflect on the person they are dating, and come to the conclusion that they should no longer be together. As great as Valentine’s Day can be touted as celebrating love between two people, it is just as equally destructive in ending dating and relationships. Getting dumped on Valentine’s Day is a real occurrence, precisely because it calls attention to elements between the two people, that people might sometimes ignore, or tolerate. When a person discovers they really wouldn’t mind not spending Valentine’s Day together, that realization can turn into the rational that they wouldn’t mind not spending ANY future time together.
 
 
The Reminder: Sometimes Valentine’s Day does exactly what most people hope it will do. It is a reminder for each couple to focus on the reasons that they are happy that they are together. Instead of focusing on the day-to-day routine things that may annoy you about your partner, Valentine’s Day is a reminder for couples to take time out, recognize what it was about your partner that drew you in to begin with, and to show some attention, appreciation and love to your partner, in ways that makes your partner feel loved, special and respected. When appropriately done, Valentine’s Day can be exactly what saves a couple from a break up, and can be a reboot for the couple to get back to where they were on their path together, before the rest of life distracted them from what was really important in a relationship. In a time when the divorce rate is about 40-50%, I would suggest that anything, like Valentine’s Day that can get a couple back on track is an nice extreme effect.
 
 
The Proposal: Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Wedding bells are ringing! There is nothing wrong with proposing on Valentine’s Day. In fact, in 2013, the American Express Spending and Saving Tracker consumer report surveyed Americans’ Valentine’s Day plans, and found that six million couples are likely to get engaged on Feb 14th making it a very popular day for proposals. However there is a difference between a surprise proposal and a marriage proposal that a couple knows is eventually coming.  If you and your partner have spoken at length about a future together, and you both acknowledge that a proposal is coming, but just don’t exactly know when, it is a pretty safe bet that once the proposal happens, the person asking is going to get a resounding “YES”!  If you know for certain, you are going to get a yes, then by all means, do propose. However, if you are going to use Valentine’s Day as your day to surprise your partner with a proposal that the two of you have not previously seriously discussed, then you are HOPING for a yes. That is not a time to propose. A proposal needs to be an expected surprise, not a “What the heck are you doing to me?” surprise.
 
 
The Last Straw: When Valentine’s Day pushes people to utter the words, “Never Again!” is when Valentine’s Day initiates the last straw. It is what I tend to see in my coaching.  Someone has the worst Valentine’s Day they ever had, and decides it is time for a change. Perhaps they just got dumped, suffered a third divorce, ended up alone for V-day for the 5th year in a row, or even proposed and got rejected. A very painful Valentine’s Day can be the breaking point that some people reach, in order to step up and take the steps necessary to begin the hard work that comes with changing. The last straw is when a person reaches a point where the pain of staying the way they are is less than the pain involved in changing their ways. It is when you realize that the common element in every problem in your love life is you, and it is time to fix you. It is a shame that as human beings we sometimes need to be slapped by life in order to be motivated to make changes in the way we do things. But reaching that extreme point can be one of the effects of the worst Valentine’s Day of your life. 
 
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The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit

Whether you are totally single, sort-of-dating someone, or in a serious committed relationship, there are some Do’s and Don’ts that everyone can observe to make Valentine’s Day a better experience for all.
 

The Top 10 Ten Do’s:
 
1-Do tell your partner what you want
If there is something that you want to happen on Valentine’s Day, then Do tell your partner what it is.  Forget about dropping hints or hoping they will surprise you with exactly what you were thinking of.  If you have something specific in mind, say so.
 
2-Do show appreciation and be grateful
If your partner does something big, or does something not as big as you may have thought, be sure to show appreciation for any efforts that anyone tries in order to make your Valentine’s special.
 
3- Do something for your partner
It is a good idea to do something for your partner on Valentine’s.  It does not have to be extravagant.  In an ideal world, couples would not need to rely on a holiday to be reminded to show some love to one another; couples should be doing it regularly. However, if you are going to show some love eventually, you may as well on Valentine’s.
 
4- Do give someone a chance that asks you out
If you are single and someone takes a chance on Valentine’s to ask you out on a date, give that person a chance and say yes to one date.  Even if that person is not your type. That person was thinking about you on Valentine’s when no one else was, and that alone is reason enough to earn just one date.
 
5- Do make it a special day if you feel it is right
If it is your first Valentine’s together, you may feel that it is right to make a big deal of it and that is OK as long as you both agree. For example, both of you taking the day off of work to spend it together might be something fun and adventurous.
 
6-Do make the effort to give your partner what your partner asks for
If your partner asks for a card, give your partner a card. If your partner asks for you to read from a book of love-poetry, then give your partner what is asked of you. Giving what you want makes you happy, but giving someone what they want makes your partner happy.
 
7-Do try something new
Valentine’s can be adventurous if you make the most of the holiday by trying something new with your partner that you have never tried before. It could be a new restaurant, or checking out a new movie that neither of you have seen. Be open to trying something new that you know your partner really enjoys.
 
8-Do Respect your Partner’s Boundaries
It is easy to get caught up in our own ideas of what would be great to do on Valentine’s, but it is important that you respect any and all of your partner’s boundaries. If your partner is not comfortable doing something, it needs to be off the list of possibilities for the two of you.
 
9-Do Go OUT if you are alone on Valentine’s
If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, go outside, or to an event. It is a great time to meet new people that are also single on Valentine’s Day who may be in the same situation you are. Staying at home to avoid people, will only keep you alone.
 
10-Do be happy for people that enjoy celebrating Valentine’s
If you know people that are excited about celebrating Valentine’s, be happy for them.  Just because it may not be your thing, does not mean you should ruin it for anyone else.
 
The Top 10 Don’ts
 
1-Do NOT Confess your undying love for your best friend
This only works if your friend already likes you back, or if your friend is open minded enough to give you a chance.  Otherwise, all this does is put way too much pressure on your friend, and might creep out the person you are trying to win over. It is best to invite that person out on a date, rather than confess long drawn out feelings.
 
2-Do NOT try to make your partner feel guilty
Just because it is Valentine’s Day and you want something specific to happen, do not try to guilt your partner into doing something your partner is not really interested in doing.  There is no saying: “If you really love me you will.” In fact, if you really love your partner, you would let it go, and not try to guilt the person.
 
3-Do NOT break up with someone just because it is Valentine’s
Valentine’s day is a day of reflection for many people, and lots of people break up with their partners on V-day.  If you are planning to break up with someone, do it BEFORE Valentine’s day to give you both a chance to meet someone new. Do NOT break up ON Valentine’s Day. 
 
4-Do NOT ignore Valentine’s Day
It does happen when you may not be able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you like. If you and your partner end up missing each other on the actual date (work schedules, travel, etc…) be sure to celebrate the sentiment of the day on another day before or after the fact. It is one thing to ignore the specific date; it is another thing to ignore your partner’s needs
 
5-Do NOT limit yourself to celebrating Valentine’s for only romantic connections
Although Valentine’s day is USUALLY associated with romantic love, be sure to also think about those people who are important to you that you love, in non-romantic ways, and to remind those people that they are important to you. (For example, buying flowers for your mother is perfectly acceptable on Valentine’s Day).
 
6- Do NOT go above the agreed upon budget
As sweet as it might be to overspend on your sweetie, this could backfire in lots of ways. First, it may create resentment or feelings of unease for the person who spent less because of the pressure to make up the difference in other ways. Not a good place to be emotionally. Second, it sets a bad precedent for next year if you are still together.
 
7- Do Not Act Bitter
If you are Bitter about how your love life is going, acting bitter about it on Valentine’s is NOT going to solve the problem. If you are unhappy, have a look at the choices you have made that landed you in the situation you are in. Then consider your options and make better choices so that you can plan for a better Valentine’s next year.
 
8- Do NOT Bash what you hate about dating and relationships
Some people like to list everything they hate about dating and relationships to feel better about being single.  There are some positive and negatives in all things, in all situations.  Even if there are some trade offs in dating and relationships, that does not make being single “better”.  They are just different. If you are happy being single, then focus on what is positive about being single, not what you think is negative about not dating and relationships. See the difference?
 
9- Do NOT get caught up in the marketing
How you celebrate Valentine’s is between you and your partner, and neither of you needs to feel that you have to keep up with anyone else you know.  If the two of you feel fine to spend it quietly and inexpensively, that is OK. If you both want to go all out, that is OK too. Just do it because you want to do it, not because you feel pressured to keep up with the marketing.
 
10. Do NOT have unreasonable expectations
Unreasonable expectations of you, of your partner, and of what Valentine’s can be for you as a couple is the kiss of death to some relationships. Valentine’s day will do no more and no less than what you are both capable of as a couple.  Do not assume that amazing things will happen JUST because it is Valentine’s Day, especially if you haven’t taken any actions ahead of time to ensure that something special happens.
 

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25 RULES FOR EVERYONE- HOW TO ACT ON A FIRST DATE

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101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY

A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit
 
A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date.
 
An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it.
 
I did not like that idea.  Why try to hide and manipulate anyone?  Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me.  I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date.
 
I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together.
 
They agreed!  None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too. 
 
The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night  (Especially from the restaurant staff).
 
I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded.
 
At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us.
 
That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally.  It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day.   Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone.
 
Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days.  My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly. 
 
If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind.
 
Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea.  In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle.
 
In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch!
 
So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it?  I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”.  You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen.  That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe.





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For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job
For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time

To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography:
From Loser To Seducer

To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition

To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy

To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook:
THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY

The Frank Romance Formula:  How To Be More Romantic
By Frank Kermit
 
Romance, or more specifically being romantic, is one of those allusive obvious elements. You know it when you see it. You know something is romantic when you are there. However, when trying to explain it to someone that either has never really experienced a romantic encounter, or someone that hardly sees the point of trying to create such an experience, it can be hard to explain the essence of what romance means.
 
During the course of my practice, I have found a way
to teach people what romance is and how to create it in their love lives. It is in a formula form, to make it easy to understand and apply to real life dating.
 
The Frank Romance Formula is:
 
A +B +C = Romance
 
A. (Stimulation of the 5 senses)  +
B. (Addressing the emotional needs of that person) +
C. (Sensual/Sexual Context) =     Romance
 


With (A), instead of thinking nude artwork, soft music, sweet candy, scent-strong flowers, and satin sheets, start thinking in terms of sight, sounds, tastes, smells and touch. When you slightly change your thinking from the items themselves like music and flowers, and shift your focus to sounds and smells, then you open yourself up to new possibilities in ways to seduce the senses of the person you wish to romance. Wine becomes an agent of taste, not just another item of romance. Cologne becomes an agent of smell, not just another item of romance.
 
The key is to provide your romance partner with a sensory rich experience, and as new sense stimulation's are added, the overall experience of being with you is heightened. So if you like using strawberries and chocolate, long drawn out full body massage complete with body oils, warm watered scented bubble baths, slow dancing to instrumental music under the dizzying colored lights of a living room disco ball, private serenading, the soft reflective lighting coming off the flowing wax lumps of lava lamps, keep in mind that they are only just one aspect of creating Frank Romance. Their job is to stimulate all 5 senses of the person you are attempting to seduce into being your romance partner.

 
With (B), you focus on the emotional needs of the person you are with. With women, some of the key emotional needs are the protection of her reputation, reassuring her that she will not be abandoned, and that her sexuality (and all that entails) will be fully accepted by you. This is important because too many woman have been burned by the very men they opened their hearts too.
 
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be held against her later on. Behind the efforts to address her emotional needs is the result for her to feel special. Usually with men, the key emotional needs are to be accepted for his identity as a man, to support him when he is assertive during the romantic progression, and to never debunk his need for sex. This is important because too many men have felt under appreciated by the very women they have attempted to attract.
 
One of the rules of Frank Romance is that whatever happens during this romantic interlude will not be compared to the unrealistic expectations of an active imagination of what it was suppose to be. Behind the efforts to address his emotional need is the result for him to feel respected.
 

With (C), the issue can be very controversial because it asks the question if sex must be included for a romantic evening to be successful. Is romance with sex still romantic? Does including sex into the equation null and void the romance? After working with singles and couples for years, I want to share my findings with you. For most people, the entire point of getting romantic with someone is to explore if there is any chemistry there to be ignited. It does not mean the chemistry already exists. It means that both people are at least open to spending time together enough to find out if there is any possibility. A romantic setting is to help that process along, by creating the mood and scene where, if there happens to be any chemistry, it is given the best chance to flourish, blossom and erupt into hardcore passion. Although romance unto itself can actually be enough for some, the majority of people have expectations that it will lead to more. In fact, without the sexual component, or the exploration of the sensuality that can bridge a couple, sexless romance can be a worthless cause for many individuals. This is where we can dispel one of the myths of romance. It is important to understand that romance does not equal love. Many make the assumption that romance equals love but it does not.
 

If anything Romance is more equal to Sex (well, only if you are lucky or very socially skilled) and Sex certainly does not equal love.

If someone wants to be romantic with you, and you have no desire to even explore the possibility of something non-platonic with that person, then do not get romantic with that person even if you enjoy romance. There is nothing ethical about leading people on by being romantic with them, only to reject them when they try to kiss you. That is emotional manipulation and it is hurtful.
 
If you happen to be a person that enjoys romance, but not having sex, it is important that you make such a boundary clear right from the beginning that you ONLY want romance, and not sex. This could potentially be useful for people with histories of sexual abuse that want the intimacy and attention, but not the physical sexual acts. It could also potentially be useful for those individuals who either have sexually transmitted infections that would like the romance but not want to put their partners at risk through sex, or for those people with religious concerns who want romance but wish to keep their virginity in tact. In theory it could work, however the reality is by putting themselves into romantic situations they are playing with temptation, and they may not be able to hold back from giving in to the stoked embers of desire. It also is not a good idea to turn on the people you like, when you are not in a position to help them get some relief from the sexual tensions that romance can arouse.
 
Not everyone appreciates romance. Some people do not enjoy the process at all, and they just want to get to the sex. Others feel inadequate and struggle to believe anyone wants to be romantic with them. Yet others feel challenged by the intense emotions that a romantic episode can bring about. It can make some people feel too vulnerable, feel shame, feel guilt or feel like they are being manipulated. However romance does have value in dating.
 
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug that takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of flowing juices, and peak climaxes. It shows you what may be possible with that person if you ever wanted to get more serious.
 
Another value in attempting to be romantic with someone is that it can also reveal areas where the two of you may not actually be compatible. You may discover through the process of romancing, that you are unable to enjoy the same things. As romance is suppose to help give you both a little push towards moving your relationship beyond platonic friendship, it may turn out that the juices just are not flowing enough between the two of you even with the push; and although it can be disappointing, it is better to find this out as soon as possible by attempting romance than it is to let the possibility linger on indefinitely. As sad as it is to discover there is no future for your romantic liaison, at the very least, you need not waste any more time on the wrong person and can move on to romance the next potential soul mate.
 
Even an impersonal one night stand experience can have some elements of romance if you have enough initiative to ask for something romantic as a condition of enjoying your company. Being able to express your needs of romance is necessary to keep the romance alive in your active love life. You must tell your partner not only that you want romance, but also give a list of ideas and suggestions as to the type of romance you would respond too. In fact the biggest mistakes that people make with romance is assuming everyone should just know what is romantic and that romance means the same kind of experiences for everyone.
 
This is boringly incorrect.
 
For some people, romance is limited to candles, bubbly alcohol, recited poetry, and an expensive weekend getaway in front of a roaring fire. For others, romance can involve handcuffs, blindfolds, and an assortment of floggers and/or third party involvement. Whatever your romance needs, be honest about them, be non-judgment about the needs of others, and make all your experiences memorable.

Click on the link to buy a copy of the book FRANKTALKS VOLUME 1: 100 ARTICLES ON LOVE, SEX, DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

This is a contributed post.

The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit
 
The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair.
 
Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved.  If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated.
 
In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. 
 
But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. 
 
It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light.

The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. 
 
The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern.
 
The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. 
 
In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him.  The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it.
 
Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. 
 
Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off.
 
This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public.  Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on.
 
Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people.
 
Frank Kermit

 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.

This article is based on my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm a Woman, It's My Time

Rejection:  The Best Worst Thing  That Can Ever Happen To You
By Frank Kermit
 
Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well.
 
Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life.
 
Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection.
 
For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default.
 
Rejection is a Message
 
When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection.
 
Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues.
 
For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances.
 
Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said...
 
When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next.
 
I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging.
 
You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected.
 
Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards.
 
When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work.
 
When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship.
 
For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change.
 
The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable.
 
When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner.
 
Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it.
 
At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it.
 
How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization.
 
Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time.
 
Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late.
 
The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away.
 
Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships.
 
There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either.
 
They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person.
 
Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner.
 
Frank Kermit 

Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit

You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year?

The answer is: It Depends.

The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too.

If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”.


First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions:
 
(1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship,
 
(2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or
 
(3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner.
 
Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night.
 
One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”.
 
After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position.


If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple.


Frank Kermit 

Gift Giving Guide
For The Stages of Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
The holiday season tends to also be a time of gift giving for many cultures. Shopping for just the perfect gift for your loved ones can be challenging enough.
 
However, what if the person you are shopping for is someone that you just started dating? 
 
Perhaps someone you are dating casually and have no plans of introducing the new love at a holiday function.
 
Perhaps it is someone you are dating in secret without any plans for it to last beyond a few weeks.
 
Perhaps you had a weekend fling with someone during the year, and although nothing serious came of it, you remember that person fondly.
 
Are there appropriate gifts for such people? 
 
There is also the dreaded circumstance of wanting to get a gift for an ex of yours, with whom you have remained friends with, or at least are civil with, for the sake of co-parenting or maintaining a social circle.
 
Gifting has the potential to be as complicated as the people and relationships we have with them.
 
So to make your holiday gift giving a little easier, here are some tips.
 
Dating someone regularly, where you see a potential future, requires some thought and planning.
 
Since this is the person you will likely bring to your holiday parties as your partner, choose a gift that serves two purposes.
 
First, it should be a gift that shows you have been listening and paying attention to what your partner has been saying.
 
Second, it would be a good idea (but not necessary) to get a gift that your partner can wear when presented to your family and friends.
 
For example, if your partner has an affinity for a particular animal, a pendant, broach, or cufflinks related to that animal that your partner could wear when meeting your friends and family may be a good gift.
 
It makes for a great conversation piece. With that in mind, it could also time to go all the way with an engagement ring (after all, it ‘tis the season).
 
Dating someone casually, or dating in secret where you will not be presenting him or her to family and friends, calls for a more social gift.
 
A gift certificate to outings that you both like to frequent usually works well for these relations.
If the two of you spend time together watching movies, then movie gift certificates or online movies to watch at home, are fine choices.
 
If you are looking for a gift idea for someone that you only shared a short-term dalliance with, keep the gift inexpensive and simple.
 
A dollar store greeting card is more than enough.  (I discourage e-cards, because they often end up in spam folders).
 
Holiday cards are also great gifts for the ex because although it is a nice gesture, it is nothing so grand that might wrongly communicate a desire to reconcile.
 
In both cases where you are no longer involved with a person, but still want to share a wish of peace, a standard greeting card is more than perfect.
 
It really is the thought that counts.
 
Just do not over think it.

Getting into brand new relationships is tricky enough, but when new relationships start around the holidays, it can be even trickier. In fact, there are even people who boycott dating just before or during the holiday season because they do not want to deal with extra challenges.
 

One of the challenges that new relationships face during the holiday season is trying to figure out how appropriate it is to attend a holiday gathering, be it an office work party, or a holiday family dinner. It is not always easy to navigate whether or not you need to invite your new relationship partner.
 

Bringing a new partner to a holiday gathering of any kind is an outward sign to everyone around you that your relationship (no matter just how new it is) is getting more serious. That will be the automatic assumption for most people.
 

Where this may get unpleasant is when one partner in the new relationship is looking forward to sharing the holiday gatherings together, and the other partner feels that it may be too soon to attend such events as a couple.
 

Although it is good to know exactly where each of you stands, especially if you both have different views of your status, it can also be disappointing to find out that you and your partner do not seem to agree on the level of commitment that exists.
 

As a coach, I have been asked if it is wise to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering and to introduce your new partner as -just a friend-. I always advise against this. If you are going to introduce your new partner as just a friend, one of two things is likely to happen.
 

The first is that people may assume that you are actually involved and wonder what must be wrong with the two of you for not admitting it (perhaps assuming that your partner is already married and cheating?).
 

The second is that those people who actually believe the two of you are -just friends- may unknowingly make a pass at your partner, in your presence, because they assume that as -just friends-, your companion must be single.
 

After all, if your companion weren’t single, that person would be out with a significant other, and not hanging with another friend at a holiday gathering.
 

When trying to resolve this dating dilemma, the issue is not actually how long you have been dating, but rather the level of commitment of your relationship. It does not matter if you only started dating two weeks prior to the holidays, two months prior to the holidays or have had been seeing each other for two years prior to this holiday season.
 

How long you have been involved is not a deciding factor when choosing to bring your partner to a holiday gathering. It has everything to do with how serious your commitment is to one another and if you are intending to build a future together.
 

A couple that has only been dating for two weeks but is already secure in the idea of getting married and growing old together should attend holiday functions as a couple. A couple that has been seeing each other dating casually for over a year with zero intention of making any sort of long term commitment should not involve one another into holiday gathers.
 

If either of the partners in this new relationship is not fully prepared to accept how attending holiday functions together will be interpreted by family, co-workers and friends as a sign of a more serious commitment, then the ethical choice is not to attend them together, until such a time as you get more serious.
 
Frank Kermit

 Holidays and Inter-Faith Families
By Frank Kermit
 
The number of interfaith families is growing. It is likely that you or someone you know has been involved at some point in an inter-faith relationship. Love may be blind, but the challenges some couples face in inter-faith marriages can be very real.
 
According to Dr Sheila Gordon, president of Interfaith Community, religions aren’t really set up to accommodate people creating households where there are two different faiths. She suggests that parents should discuss with each other, their goals of the religion as it regards their children and what aspects of the religion they want to practice, and what they want to get out of practicing their faiths before bringing their children into it.
 
Some couples face what has been called the December Dilemma, where multiple faiths have days of celebration around the same time. 
 
Some families try to celebrate each holiday separately on their respective days, but allow for decorations of both holidays to be present the entire holiday season (this avoids the December Dilemma of deciding, for example, if they should put up a Christmas tree or a Menorah). 
 
One inter-faith couple told me that they celebrate both sets of holidays and will let their children decide what faith to follow in the future.
Some families just celebrate all the holidays at once in their own interpretation of mixing traditions together.
 
Finally, other families make a firm decision that the children will be brought up with one faith and one set of traditions, and the parent from the other faith either gives up a faith, or celebrates the holidays more privately, or with less emphasis even if the children are involved.
 
Basically, it is important for the couple to decide ahead of time, as much as they can, what they believe would be best, not only for them, but for their kids as well. It is important to keep in mind that managing different holiday celebrations and how to incorporate them into your family’s life is a yearlong process.
 
One thing that many inter-faith relationships face is a lack of acceptance from family and friends.
 
An old colleague of mine used to be very out spoken about his stance against inter-faith marriage to the point where he would refuse to attend the weddings of his friends and families if they married outside his religion. This eventually led to a lot of abandonment. 
 
Everyone has an opinion about inter-faith relations, and it may not always be in favor of the loving couple.
 
If you are entering into an inter-faith relationship, and believe it is heading in the direction of an inter-faith family, be sure you are ready to face opposition that you may not have known you had.
 
Personally, I find it sad when family and friends are accepting of inter-faith friendships, but not accepting of inter-faith romances. 
 
In fact, in my own practice, the biggest challenge to inter-faith couples is not the couple’s inability to work out the role of religion in their lives and the lives of their children; their biggest challenge is getting close family members on board to support them as they would any same faith relationships.
 
If there could be just one message I could relate to those parents and other family who abandon a loving inter-faith couple it is this:
 
The taint of your abandonment will never be removed even if you reconcile later.
 
More often than not, abandoning family re-enter that couple’s life again in the future, and it usually is because you want to see the children of the new inter-faith family. 
 
Think long and hard before you do something that will never be forgotten. I have yet to meet any abandoner that later claimed it was the right thing to do.
 
Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate!

Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea?
By Frank Kermit
 
The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner.
 
The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock.
 
Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong. 
 
What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people.
 
In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path. 

Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together.
 
With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first. 
 
To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other. 
 
There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life. 
 
Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase.
 
Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse.
 
If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious.
 
If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer. 
 
The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged. 
 
If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship.
 
Frank Kermit

This is a contributed post.