Dating Your Ex
By Frank Kermit

Anybody who has ever been in love, has at some point, thought about dating an ex. It is certainly easier to date an ex you have history with, than to date new people and have to face all the awkwardness that comes with having new romantic experiences with a new person for the first time. With an ex, it is “been there, done there”, and it is easier to get comfortable again really fast.  As a mentor of mine used to tell me, when you break up from the warm comfortable embrace of a familiar relationship, and enter the Realm of Singledom, people find out very quickly that it is cold out there, and all those things that annoyed you about your ex, don’t seem to be as bad as you thought anymore.

We all have to be careful with that kind of thinking. It’s a trap.

It is important that we all remember that someone is an ex for a reason.  There was something about the two of you that did not work. That is why you ended up as an ex.

With that said, there are times when it can work when dating an ex. Some people make the effort to work it out because they have children together, and are highly motivated to find some means of compromise. Others come to better appreciate what an ex had to offer, but only after experiencing less than pleasant dating experiences with others. For example, a partner that bored you might be someone you better appreciate after dating someone more exciting who also really ruined your life. It is unfortunate that it may require a horrible experience to make people realize how good they had it. Yet, even if your ex was the best relationship you ever had, that still does not mean you should go back and attempt to date an ex, because it still is likely not to work out.

The key to know if you should date an ex again is to be able to discern exactly what it was that broke the two of you up, and whether or not that particular issue still exists.  For example, if the only reason you and your ex broke up was because one of your families disapproved of the others partner choice, then getting back together will not work out, unless the person who was unduly influence by family has changed and set boundaries with family to never let the family have any influence ever again on any major decisions involving life choices.  If the thing that broke you and your ex up has not been changed or resolved, the two of you are likely to keep breaking up again.

It is OK to still love an ex; it really is. We are human, and are emotions are what they are. Just because you have proven to be romantically incompatible does not mean you automatically shut your feelings off for a person.  However, how you feel about a person is simply not enough to make a long-term relationship work. It is one of the saddest lessons of self-awareness.
 
If you are stuck on an ex, and want to be able to move on and find new love with new people,
check out and sign up for an hour of Frank Coaching

Part of  Bell Let's Talk

Dating Dilemmas 78, this is Frank Kermit's 119th appearance on the Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.

How do you tell the person you dating that you have a mental illness?
Should you hold off from dating if you have a mental illness?
What if your partner starts to exhibit signs of mental illness?
Should you talk about it during speed dating?

Dating 8 Months No I Love You
By Frank Kermit
 
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.

There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect.  They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
 
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
 
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”.  That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.

The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.

If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner.  The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love. 

Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.

-Frank Kermit

 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.

 
One of the hardest demographics that I coach is a couple, where one partner is suffering from depression.  They are such a challenging demographic because the individuals with depression may look perfectly healthy, and their partners simply do not understand the situation, so they tend to lack compassion.

Sometimes, the people we love are in pain. The pain our partners may experience is not always a pain that can be seen. It is easy to conclude that a person is in pain when we see that person in a cast, or other physical signs of illness. When we can see it, it becomes much easier to accept that the person we love will simply not be able to do the things we would normally expect him or her to do.

However, invisible pain can be every bit of devastating as the pain that we can physically see.

In some cases, the person who is depressed and may not even be aware of the mental illness exists. In cases where a partner ends up in a depression, interest in sex can be the first thing to go, and one of the last things to return if and when the depression passes.  When the interest in sex fades, some couples seek coaching, while others wait until the resentment and symptomatic problems of couples not having sex, surface to the point they can no longer be ignored or tolerated. At that point, a lot of damage has already been done.

If there was one bit of advice that I want to communicate to both the depressed person and the coping partner it is this: 

If a person lacks the self-awareness to detect his or her own depression, it is very possible that such a person would blame their misery on their partner. 

This can be very hurtful to the partner, who is usually innocent of any wrongdoing.  A depressed person (not knowing he or she is depressed) may independently conclude that the loss of libido MUST be a result of the partner, and may verbalize such conclusions attributing it to anything from holiday weight gain, to not keeping up with chores. A depressed mind is unable to think clearly and out of hurt and anguish may lash out at a loved one. A loved one being lashed out at may fire back out of feelings of fear and rejection, which only aggravates the issues.

If you or someone you love is experiencing a low sexual libido, before either of you accuse the other of horribleness that will surely hurt your relationship, stop and take a moment to ask if the lack of sex drive may be a symptom of depression, and seek out the help of a trained professional for a diagnosis. Do not let a depression destroy the good love you have in your life, regardless of what side of it you are on.

Pre-Marital Disclosure:
What to do after you get engaged
By Frank Kermit
 
This is an article for couples that are now engaged, I wish you congratulations on getting the "yes"! Welcome to the next level of the development of your relationship. Beware...if you thought getting to this stage was hard, you are about to embark on an even more challenging endeavor: The period of time where you and your partner are testing the waters to see if marriage is going to work out for you.
 
When working with couples that are discussing marriage, or have gotten engaged, but have concerns about their ability to maintain a lasting relationship, I always encourage the couple to sit down and have a Frank Disclosure
 
It is time you and your now fiancé embark on a very challenging journey...to share every secret you each have that could potentially end a marriage that has not even begun yet.
 
We all have secrets. Some secrets you can keep to yourself, but other secrets, if exposed, can ruin your marriage. So the question is, what do you have to tell your future spouse?
 
The answer is, you must tell your spouse everything you believe might cause your spouse not to marry you. If you happen to be thinking that you could NEVER tell your fiancé about X...well that X is exactly what you need to tell them now.
 
Does your fiancé need to know everything? In today's world of social media and recorded history...well actually, yes you do. If you chose to safe guard certain truths from you past, at least, you must share those truths that would cripple your relationship if your fiancé ever found out.
 
For example, if you know that your fiancé would never tolerate dating someone who currently does certain types of illegal drugs, and although you currently do not do any illegal drugs, but you did so in your past, it is important to let your fiancé know. Your fiancé may stay, your fiancé may go but it is important to give your fiancé the chance to make an informed decision, even if it could lead to the end of your current relationship.
 
Chances are your fiancé will eventually find out, and when that happens, any assumption you might have had that it would no longer be an issue goes out with window, as the divorce papers come riding in. Keep in mind a break up today is a lot less detrimental to your emotional health than a divorce tomorrow from a marriage that was based on omissions of truths.
 
Here is another example; have you ever posed nude for photos or made a sex tape that is in the hands of an ex? Even if your fiancé does not mind the fact that you did or did not, your fiancé should at least be shown the courtesy of being ready for the day when your vindictive ex makes those images or videos publicly available or posted them on the internet. We never know what can happen in our futures.
 
Something like this could simply blow over...or it could be detrimental to a career (yours or your fiancé). It would also be a good idea to tell your fiancé before you have children together as your children will share in the fortunes and hardships you experience as a couple. Consider that your kids might get mercilessly teased and bullied in high school when intimate showing of either mom or dad catch up to them. You cannot control the actions of a crazy ex but you can at least have your team be informed of the potential play hazards and take whatever precautions may be necessary.
 
If you just got engaged, and want to have a disclosure with your partner, consider all the things you can and cannot handle. Take into account your boundaries and deal breakers. Really think about what your values are and how you want those values to be enacted in your life daily. Here are some things you might want to share with your fiancé if you want the best chances of making your marriage last a lifetime. Do either of you have a child out of wedlock that was given up for adoption who may come back into your lives in 20 yrs? Have either of you worked as a sex worker (stripper/ prostitute/ pimp/ driver) at any point in time?
 
Have you ever had a secret friends-with-benefits liaison with someone that your families will insist attend the wedding? Where either of you ever hospitalized for a suicide attempt? Have either of you ever been on medication for a mental illness that you may relapse into? Have either of you been arrested, incarcerated or have a criminal record? Were either of you dating someone else when you initially met? Have either of you been a party to cheating on past partners, or were the "other" person in an affair? Do either of you have some form of fetish, or alternative sexual lifestyle, or sexual orientation that your current partner does not know about? Have either of you participated in a wild-nature relationship that your current partner would not be able to handle?
 
In some cases, your fiancé just might not care about your past. If that is the case, then sharing this information will help the couple bond, and make your relationship stronger. It will prevent your enemies, that WANT to see your relationship fail, from being able to use either of your past histories to turn you against each other.
 
In other cases, your fiancé will care. Your fiancé may have certain beliefs about relationships and life, such that your past, or accepting your past (and vice versa) is just not feasible. In a perfect world, a person's past would not matter, and the love of your life would be accepting of everything about you. We do not live in a perfect world. For that reason, you need to know, and your future spouse needs to know. You are investing your life and all of your resources into this relationship including your bodies, your souls and banking on future children. Make your marriage strong by making an informed decision.
 

Dating With Mental Illness
By Frank Kermit
 
The term Mental Illness covers a variety of mental health conditions and disorders. Commonly mental illness will affect and change a person’s mood, emotion, thinking and behaviors (or a combination of these). 

Mental illnesses are health conditions; they can be feared and misunderstood by many people but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is common, and more common than many people care to admit.

   
If you have a mental disorder, should you mention it when dating? If so, when do you bring it up? First date? Just before initiating intimacy? Before moving in together? On your online dating profile before you even meet a person?

In order to answer this, you will have to make a choice.

If you are comfortable with the entire world knowing your personal challenges with mental illness, then bring it up on a first date. If you do not care about your privacy in this regard, then there is no point hiding it longer than need be. For example, if you suffered severe depression in the past, and may be prone to having a severe episode in the future, and you do not care who knows about it, then share it in conversation on the first date. 

Does it have to be the first thing you say after you say hello?  Nope.

But it is something you should tell the person if you see the two of you are getting along, and the best way to bring it up is calmly, and as a matter of fact. For example, you are getting along on the date, have been talking for about an hour, and have found you have a few things in common and decide that you like the person enough that you might like the date to go longer into the night, or even already thinking about a second date.

A way to bring it up, is to calmly and simply mention that there is something you want to talk about, and that you really like the person so far, and you want the person to know this, so that it doesn’t become an issue in the future. Then tell the person about some of the challenges you deal with. A different way you can bring it up, is to ask the person if they have ever dealt with any mental health issues, or know of someone they care about who has.

One of three things will happen. The person will either answer the question and then ask you the same question back, the person may answer the question and not ask you the same question back; or the person will ask you why you are asking. In any case, this would be a good time to talk about your challenges with mental illness.

Something to keep in mind is that you are the ambassador to train people how to treat you. If you behave unsure about your condition, or if you communicate that you are uncomfortable discussing your condition, you may trigger the person you are speaking too to be just as unsure and uncomfortable about you. If you communicate your situation with self-love, and demonstrate that you are accepting of your situation, you will influence others to feel the same way about you.

For this to work, please make sure that you are as knowledgeable about your mental health issues as you can be, and help the person you are dating better support and assist you by clearly communicating your emotional needs, and boundaries (as the case may be).

Now then, if you do NOT want information of your mental illness to become public domain, then you will have to work a little harder at screening the person you are dating to see if they are trustworthy enough to share this information as well as have the capacity of compassion and understanding. This means that during conversations in the early stages of dating, you must test the person by asking them questions that will reveal how they feel about your mental illness without revealing that you have it. For example, if a particular artist or performer has the same mental illness as you, you can start out by a conversation of the album or movie that person appeared on. Lead that conversation from the art, to the person, and mention in casual conversation the mental health issues of that person.


Then gauge the reaction of your date.


If your date talks about coping with mental illness with compassion and understanding, it is a sign you may be able to share secret parts of yourself with that person later on. If your date reacts in a very negative way where you do not feel safe reveal your secret to them, it is a sign you likely should not continue dating the person at all.


For example, if you want to know if the person you are dating can be open to talking about your depression, anxiety and your past suicide attempt, you can start by bringing up your favorite movies starring the late actor Robin Williams. From talking about the movies, to a discussion about the star himself who was publicly known for dealing with mental illness, that tragically took his own life in 2014, how your date reacts and discusses mental health will reveal if you are with a compatible partner. (P.S. I miss Robin Williams, forever my Mork).

Two warnings to the people that need to keep their mental health issues a secret from the people they date. 

First warning is not to pay the mind games of getting your date to fall in love with you before telling them. It is manipulative and unethical. Let the person you date be able to make an informed decision before getting too attached to you, and focus on screening your date for compatibility as mentioned above.

The second warning is do not make the mistake of not telling someone that is on the verge of committing to be life partners with you. If you have suffered, or continue to suffer, with mental illness, and you are getting serious with someone, that person should know what challenges they face in being seriously involved with you. Chances are you may find yourself dealing with your struggle in the future, and your life partner should at least know what to expect from you, just as you would want to know something this serious about your life partner.

To anyone reading this that refuses to date someone that has suffered with mental illness, or is at risk, I want to explain something to you. It can happen to anyone, at any point in the life span. There is no guarantee that people who are at risk for mental illness will ever succumb to it in their lifetime. With that said, there is no guarantee that just because someone has never struggled with mental illness before means they will never struggle with it.

Just because someone had a parent that needed medication to cope with mental illness does not automatically means that the person you are dating is going to require the same means to cope with life.  Just because the person you are dating has never dealt with panic attacks or depression does not mean that they will not start to deal with them after a traumatic event much later in life. It is that common.

Like ANY physical health issue, it can strike at any point. Whether the result of a bad unforeseeable accident, or resulting after a number of warning signs taking effect, or happening seemingly without cause, it can happen to anyone you are dating, just as it can happen to you.

Treat others with the same compassion and understanding, as you would have them treat you. When it comes to mental illness, this is more applicable as one day, it could very well be you.

I invite you to join me on Wednesday January 25th at 10 pm EST when I take part in Bell Let’s Talk, as a guest on Dr Laurie Betito’s radio program Passion, for their monthly feature Dating Dilemmas where I will talk about Dating with Mental Illness with Dr. Laurie Betito, and co-host Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of https://www.elitespeeddating.com/

The show will be broadcast LIVE in Montreal on CJAD 800 AM (http://www.iheartradio.ca/cjad) as well as broadcast in Toronto on NewsTalk 1010 AM (https://www.iheartradio.ca/newstalk-1010)

Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit
 
I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life.
 
On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us.
 
You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people.
 
Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY.
 
Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general.
 
Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists.
 
A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others.
 
Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts.
 
When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits.
 
In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability.
 
However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability.
 
For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues.
 
Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it?
 
Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted.
 
However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others.
 
That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone?
 
Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression.
 
Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable.
 
There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you.
 
They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists.
 
Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life.
 
As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again.
 
Frank Kermit

Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit
 
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually.  Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with.
 
Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation.
 
For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations.
 
Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn.
 
There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates.
 
For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed.
 
 
Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted.
 
Frank Kermit

 Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time

 Separation and Dating
 By Frank Kermit
 
One of the most damaging actions an individual can take is to start dating someone new when going through a separation with their serious long-term partner (spouse, common-law partner or a defacto-union).

When I use the term separation here, it is not to be confused with a Legal Separation, which is a legal status, and an alternative to divorce for couples that have moral or religious objections to legal divorce.

I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved.
 
Some therapists recommend that individuals date other people. I completely disagree with this stance. Involving anyone new into a dynamic that is already in a vulnerable shape that turns it into an emotional triangle can wreak havoc on both partners, cause incredible distress on any children who rely on the partners who are separated, as well as cause confusion for the people you date.
 
The point of such a separation is not to experience it as a trial divorce, as many couples unfortunately assume it to be. In fact, the whole reason that separations occur is to work at every possible solution to give the relationship every chance it can have to survive. You do not need to separate first in order to file for divorce (except in the rarest of cases where you must be separated for a specific period of time for a court ordered divorce when one of the partners refuses to agree to it). If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Do not sugarcoat a divorce with a separation if you have no intention of working on your current relationship while separated.
 
What to do during a separation: Work on yourself and whatever issues you may have that contributed to the separation. Get tested for depression. Seek out therapy and coaching. Sober up and deal with your demons. Learn about how to address emotional needs and how to have your own emotional needs addressed.
 
Spend your time alone doing self-reflection and bettering your understanding of love and relationships. Ask yourself why you would have made the choices you made that got you into this situation to begin with. Ask yourself what you have to change to build a future life plan where you will not end up here again. If you invest in a couple of years of this kind of time into healing, then so be it. What is a couple of years compared to the lifetime you can have when reconciled with your partner, and other parent, of your children? It is worth it.
 
What not to do during a separation: It is not a time to form a close bond with new people that would threaten your relationship. Do not hang out with friends and family that have always encouraged you to break it off. It is not a time to be hanging out in bars playing the pickup game. It is not a time to be part of any unplanned pregnancy. It is not a time to be isolating your children from your partner as revenge on your partner. It is not a time to live out all those things you always wanted to do, but were prohibited by your relationship. It is not a time to make significant asset purchases like a new home. It is not a time to make any life altering plans given the lack of emotional stability in your life. It is not a time to uproot your kids from the remaining stability in their lives.
 
Separation does not automatically lead to divorce unless you let it. It is up to you and your partner to put in the work so that it does not happen. In the event you are the only one trying to work on yourself and your partner is not, the exercise is NOT in vain. Do it anyways. At worst, you may influence your partner into participating. At best, you will reach a level of emotional health and be able to teach your children from a broken home what it is to be able to manage an emotionally healthy relationship by serving as an example. If you do not make the efforts to heal, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you do heal, but do not get the co-operation you need to save your relationship, you can take comfort in the fact you will be able to form better relationships for yourself in the future, which will benefit you, and any children who will be touched by your new relationships.
 
People are their repeating behavior patterns, and it is likely that whatever the issues that broke up your first serious relationship, are likely going to break up the second one as well, unless you work on yourself to correct those behavior patterns. Changing your partner will not solve the issues you carry inside. When the second serious relationship ends, is when most people realize they likely would have had an easier and possibly happier life (for their children as well) if they had just worked out the issues with their first serious relationship.
 
At the very least, be ethical if you are enacting a separation with your partner. You are dealing with another human being, and giving any false hope when you have already decided that this is the beginning of the end, is a horrible thing to do. It is not just your partner you need to consider here.
 
Even if you are too angry and resentful at your partner, and have reached a point where you just do not care, any children you have with your partner will surely be affected by the negative emotions. Your children are half you, and half your partner, and will internalize your negative feelings towards your partner, no matter how much you try to shield them from it.
 
If you do date someone while in the middle of a separation, the worst thing you can do is throw it in your partner's face for your own satisfaction, or as a means of getting a reaction out of your partner. In fact, this is creating a divide, not just with your partner (which you may be too drunk on negative emotions to care about); it has the incredible potential to also turn your own children against you, through no encouragement from your partner. This type of violation of security in your children is more difficult to heal than the problems you have with your adult partner.
 
If you want to end it and leave, then file for divorce and be done with it. Telling your partner that you are separating to think about things and that you intend to make the effort to work things out, when in actuality you are just making it easier to manage your secret affair that you plan to leave your partner for, is a mistake. The odds are high that you will surely end up alone, or in a worse situation than you are in now. Statistically, new relationships that start out as affairs rarely last any significant amount of time, but the damage done to the children who learn of the affair is longer lasting.
 
Separation is no time to start dating new people.
 
Frank Kermit 

 Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time

This article is based on my coaching workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm a Woman, It's My Time

Rejection:  The Best Worst Thing  That Can Ever Happen To You
By Frank Kermit
 
Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well.
 
Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life.
 
Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection.
 
For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default.
 
Rejection is a Message
 
When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection.
 
Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues.
 
For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances.
 
Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said...
 
When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next.
 
I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging.
 
You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected.
 
Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards.
 
When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work.
 
When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship.
 
For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change.
 
The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable.
 
When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner.
 
Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it.
 
At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it.
 
How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization.
 
Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time.
 
Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late.
 
The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away.
 
Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships.
 
There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either.
 
They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person.
 
Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner.
 
Frank Kermit 

This is an excerpt from my autobiography:

From Loser To Seducer

Relationship Redemption:
Finding Closure and Self-Forgiveness
 
By Frank Kermit
 
We all make mistakes in life. If you have ever tried to get into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are recovering from a relationship, chances are about 100% you screwed up somewhere on something. If you are lucky, you have a partner (or ex-partner) that either has a lousy memory, or a partner that chooses not to remind you too often of the times you goofed.
 
However, with all that said some mistakes are bigger than others. Insignificant mistakes can be corrected easily. But those mistakes that can detour the journey of your entire relationship, maybe even costing you the relationship itself, are a little harder to process. Even when your ex partner either forgives you, or just does not care anymore about your error that forced about the parting of your ways, people still need to do something to achieve a sense of peace with their pasts. People need to forgive themselves. And for some people, self-forgiveness is mission impossible. In fact, those people who more easily forgive others may struggle indefinitely to forgive themselves for a number of their relationships gaffs, both great and small.
 
There is a real danger that this particular population may very well get into the bad habit of punishing themselves with self-sabotaging behaviors, which makes their circumstances even worse, causing even more acts of unforgiveable bad judgment, and the cycle continues until a person can be overrun with a horrible shame-and-guilt complex that forbids them from the capacity to function in an emotionally healthy relationship.
 
For people who find exceptional struggle with forgiving-thy-self I have often found that the key to the ability to forgive yourself for the relationship faux-pas of your past is reaching a point when you can trust yourself, not to commit the same mistake again. Once you prove to yourself that you have new behavior patterns that would prevent you from ever making the same mistake again, some people find a divine compassion for themselves that they previously could not tap into.
 
People, who repeat the same negative behavior patterns in relationships, will inevitably continue to do so, until they take an active role in learning new behavior patterns, and repeating those new behavior patterns, until those behavior patterns become unconscious habits. When it comes to unconscious habits in relationships, those new habits will foster into an intuition that will give the relationship seekers a sixth sense that will keep them away from bad relationship partners, and point them within the perimeters of potential premiere partners.
 
Sometimes mistakes can include things like infidelity, wrong priorities, superimposing unrealistic expectations, committing too soon, losing their sense of self in a relationship, becoming too needy or dependant on their partner, acting out personal issues from childhood that have nothing to do with their current partner, or simply choosing the wrong people to date. All of these errors can be understandable in their unique contexts, but they can all destroy the best relationships that come into your life.
 
When seeking help in relationships, a person tends to want to seek out ways to fix what they keep doing wrong that lands them to lose their relationship opportunities.
 
Even when they learn what exactly they did wrong, and intellectually know what they need to do next, it is not until they go through a real life experience to process that new knowledge into action, that a person can start to feel confident that they will stop making those same mistakes again. Until that challenge is met, the certainty of their change-work is in question. However, once a person commits to a new behavior pattern such that, they have now reach a point where he or she can trust in themselves, to never make those same mistakes again; THAT is when a person can get to the point of self-forgiveness. In that moment of a newfound respect for self, is the RELATIONSHIP REDEMPTION that allows for even the most hurtful past of any relationship wound to find ultimate closure.
 
In closure on our pasts, through the self-forgiveness of our own personal relationship redemption, we will find the beginning of our new chapter in the book of our life.
 
Frank Kermit 

This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

How To Deal With Toxic People
By Frank Kermit
 
Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you.
 
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so.
 
When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them.
 
For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job.
 
However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job.
 
 
When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences?
 
It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on.
 
If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you.
 
You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason.
 
The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
 
Buy these books now:

I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women)
and
I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men)

Frank Kermit

Heavy Hearted Holidays
By Frank Kermit
 
The holidays come with wonderful expectations of joyous celebrations, family gatherings, and time spent reconnecting with loved ones. Images of happy times celebrating love surround us in holidays sales announcements and media.
 
However, there is a side of the holidays that doesn't always get the attention it merits. Truth be told, it is the one time of the year, which
 
I keep my availability to clients on a 24/7 basis, because for a significant number of people, the holiday season is not about joy, but a melancholy reminder of loneliness and loss.
 
Spending my holidays consoling the lonely and broken hearted, gives me an incredible sense of gratitude for my own wife and son, and cherishing the fact I can share my non-working hours with them.
 
Right now, some people are going into the holidays newly single from of a divorce they did not see coming, and will experience their first holiday away from their own children.
 
Yet others will realize they are alone again for the holidays, because they forgot to make finding someone special to share it with a priority earlier in the year.
 
There are also those experiencing the new normal of entering the holiday season with one less significant person in their lives due to death.
 
Whether widowed, experiencing the passing of a family member, or grieving the loss of a friend (or job, or even good health for that matter) sometimes the holiday season becomes a crossroads of reflection, and the memories of some missing element from our lives, consume our thoughts.
 
Some will choose to stay in, not take part in rambunctious merry making, and instead enjoy some quiet time nursing their sorrow.
 
Some people use the holidays as a time to make a life plan to restructure their journey and set goals. Then there are those who feel so overwhelmed by it all, they unfortunately turn to self-destructive behavior patterns.
 
In the holiday spirit, I implore everyone reading this to keep in mind that each of us copes with loss and loneliness differently and to be supportive of one another.
 
You do not have to agree with how someone copes. What you need to evoke within yourself is your sense of compassion. Compassion is one of the most powerful comforting gifts human beings have to offer and exemplifies some of the best in humanity.
 
In fact, it is very possible to equate that compassion IS the holiday spirit we were meant to indulge in at this time.
 
So if you are struggling to let your heavy-hearted holiday be a happy one, at the very least, aim to keep yourself alive and healthy through it.
 
I wish you all peace and healing at this time, whatever you celebrate, and whoever you are. As long as there are individuals in the world who share compassion, no one is ever truly alone.
 
Frank Kermit

 Everybody‘s Holiday Happy, Except You
By Frank Kermit
 
Do you hate it when everyone around you seems to have something extra to celebrate this year for the holidays, except for you?
 
You aren’t alone.
 
Sometimes, it can be a little frustrating when holiday announcements from your friends and families seem to leave you feeling a little less merry because somehow, you could end up feeling somewhat, left behind.
 
It is not always easy to celebrate with others, when whatever it is they are joyous about, is a little reminder that your own life may not be where you thought it would be by now.
 
In fact, one of the reasons that some people hate the holidays is because of how much they are reminded of just how unhappy they really are.
 
Did your closest friends introduce you to their newest relationship partner? Great! Makes you one of the last of your group to the single for the holidays.
 
Did someone in your family use the holidays to announce a new baby on the way? Great! Makes you doubt if the same thing will eventually happen to you before you feel like quitting after trying for 2 years and still not having a kid.
Did a friend of yours just announce that they start a new job after the holiday season?  Great! That reminds you that you really should update your resume again because your employment insurance is running out and the pressure is mounting. 
 
Did someone make it out of the hospital, or return from active military duty, to be home for the holidays? Great!  You have to be sure to go over and say hello, after a quick trip to the cemetery to pay your respects to the person you lost this year.
 
The holidays are not always fun for everyone.
 
For some, it is a time when a person finally gets a massive break in life and a chance to find real joy.
 
For others, the only massive break they are pre-occupied with is nursing a massively broken heart.
 
If you are fortunate enough to have something wonderful to celebrate this year, please do.
 
Enjoy your moments and share them accordingly.
 
Just don’t throw them in the faces of people that you know are struggling right now. 
 
Show those people a little compassion when you can. Invite them to join in with you, but fully understand if they are not able too.  
 
If you are unfortunate during this holiday season, remember that someday in the future you very likely will have something amazing to share, and will want to celebrate with the people you most care about.
 
When the people around you are asking you to share in their joy, make the effort to be happy for them, and if you cannot do that, excuse yourself so you do not risk tainting the mood.
 
In the long term, you will be glad you did.
 
Happy Holidays. Congratulations on your good fortunes, and hang in there whatever your struggles.
 
Frank Kermit

When Love Ends At The Best of Times
Heartbreak for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit


As the holiday season approaches there are a number of things most people can count on. Time off, shopping, spending time with family and friends (including the ones you may not be particularly fond of), bad weather, exams if you are a student, end of the year projects at work that need to get done, the pressures of holiday get-togethers, worse weather, bad drivers, holiday parties, trips to the clinic, feeling overwhelmed, traveling, even worse weather, travel delays, resolutions, less day light, longer commutes…did I mention the weather? But if you are lucky enough, you might just have that kind of holiday season where you get a glimpse, a tiny reminder of what makes it all worth it. The holiday season brings about a sense of reflection for many people. It is a time, when we look back on all the things we have done or accomplished in the past year (or didn’t). And that is why holidays bring about the end of many relationships.

The holiday times can be super challenging if you have a lot going on. It is easy to feel pressure and exhaustion, as if you are being pulled in too many different directions. When this pressure hits, and you start questioning if the relationship you are in is worth it…that means only one thing: you-are-normal.
 
Holidays have a reputation of bringing out the best in humanity…it can also bring out the worst too. Not everyone can handle the holiday times, and if you are having any issues with the person you are dating, the holidays are ripe to exploit even your most minuscule doubts and have them cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship future.

It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people take the time to ask if this is the relationship they really want to be in. It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people must now decide if they are going to introduce the new partner to their family. Holidays can force issues like commitment-talk, future-talk, family-planning-talk, and even the dreaded, so-what-are-we-exactly-and-where-is-this-going-?-talk. (Yeesh! And you thought that people just drank too much over the holidays to make merry…)

And those are only the challenges if you are monogamous. When dating multiple people during the holidays, it can be a bit tricky because there are only a couple of nights that you have to spend with your someone special that have important meanings to it, and if you have more than one someone special in your life, choosing only one person to spend that special night with, usually means that the others will dump you. If you can’t bring all of your partners together to celebrate with you (and hey, that could happen), you might not get to spend it with anyone.
 
The reverse can happen as well if your preferred partner is seeing more than one person, and happens to choose someone else to share that midnight New Years kiss with, instead of choosing you. It can be easier than you think to end up alone on a major holiday. Being polyamorous doesn’t protect you from the same risks as being monogamous.
 
Think of the holiday season as a test. Can your relationship survive the holiday hazards? Is the person you are dating understanding about the time you need to prepare for your exams (exams that can change the course of your life)? Is the person you are with just adding to your holiday aches? Are you the one that is making things worse for your partner because the holidays are fueling the fires of your own unresolved issues? It is a pretty safe bet that if your love life cannot withstand the handful of weeks leading up to, and including the holidays, it is likely that the person you were dating would not have been a reliable life partner for you anyways. So the good news about a holiday break up is that you found out before you got more committed or attached.

That still does not change the fact that the end of a relationship heading into, or during the holidays, just royally sucks. It is going to hurt. There is never a “good time” for a relationship to break up. There will always be reasons to stay, even when the most important reason (the fact that you do not want to be in a relationship with that person) says that you need to go. Holidays notwithstanding, if the relationship ended, you are still going to have to deal with the heartache.

If you do end up in heartbreak for the holidays, take every opportunity to make merry and spread cheer with the people you care about (except the one that dumped you), and enjoy the company of people that care about you. Take the time you need to mourn the end of your relationship, but not at the expense of the focus you need for those things (like study time to pass your exams) that WILL stay with you for the rest of your life. The pain is temporary.
 
There will be plenty of time to focus on the things you want, after you focus on the things you need to do first. And when you do mourn, remember what you LEARNED from your last relationship. If you can find the correct lesson to learn, so that you do not end up in exactly the same situation again, that is the path of finding your relationship redemption.
 
That is the way to forgiving the most important person you need to forgive in a break up…yourself. Have a safe holiday season everyone.

Frank Kermit

Mourning for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit

Doesn't it seem like so many people die around the holiday season?
 
I wrote this article after I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine.

I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral. Meeting his family for the first time and feeling their grief reminded me that the holidays are not always a time a joyous celebration.
 
For many people it is a time of mourning and bereavement remembering lost loved ones. There is never a good time to deal with the death of someone you love, and for it to happen so close to the holidays is no exception. What it does mean is that the holidays will be more challenging as people still come together, and the need for compassion and understanding is at an all time high. It is not just because grief will cause people to be sad when most people are expected to be enthralled with making merry. It has to do with the different ways that people grieve.
 
One person's method of grieving may be completely out of line with how another person expresses sorrow. If you remember one lesson from this article, it is this: Show compassion and acceptance for the way someone needs to grieve, even if it is the exact opposite of what you would prefer that person utilizes to manage mourning. Since the funeral, I have been swarmed with memories of Christmas pasts. I wanted to share some with you and also share some ideas about mourning the holidays.
 
When my grandfather died in the 1980s, I was still in elementary school, and too young to really understand the effects of grieving for death. What I remember was being taken out of school for a few days while the family came together around my widowed grandmother, and having to attend a funeral home wake and a funeral service. I do not remember understanding everything that was going on around me at the time. What I do distinctly remember is that every time I was reminded of something that I wanted to tell my grandfather, I had to come to acknowledge again and again that he was gone.
 
Other than the death of pets, it was the first time a human family member died. Although my grandfather died earlier in the year, I do have a distinct memory of how my immediate family and our extended family had to balance celebrating the holidays and honoring his memory.
 
That Christmas was a somber one. We did not have the loud massive family get together that I had become accustom too. I have a hazy memory of my grandmother breaking out in tears missing her husband at one point while being the center of attention, probably opening a gift of some kind at the table.
 
When I later returned to school in January, I was faced with that obligatory writing assignment of the (what you did over the holidays) composition. Not sure what to write given the loss my family was suffering, I asked a family member for guidance and was told to basically "make up something acceptable".
 
In short, I was told to describe a wonderful scene complete with laughter, singing Christmas songs and even threw in some street caroling on the way to a midnight mass...truly a far cry from the quiet, almost depressed real life version of a mournful holiday eve.
 
Heck, it is not like my family ever did street caroling or singing songs when they were not managing mourning the holidays anyways. Too busy talking loudly, preparing food, eating food, and then recovering from the meal.
 
What I wanted to write is exactly what happened, but for some reason it was important to that family member to keep our grief private regardless of the fact that everyone that knew me, also knew that my grandfather died (being pulled out of school for a week might have been a good hint).
 
The key word in the directive I received was the word: ACCEPTABLE. As in, it would not be acceptable for our family to experience grief at that time of year. I found it odd, but I chose to obey like a good kid. Yet, I always believed it would have been a much more interesting story if I had told the truth about what really happened that holiday.
 
The struggle was managing what -I- would have wanted to help me express -my- grief (writing about missing my grandfather and how Christmas was different this year) and what a family member wanted to help them manage their grief (keeping our pain private).
 
As the years went on, how we celebrated the holidays changed with each year. Some were marked with great celebration for the weddings that took place that year, while others reflected the emptiness left when other family members had died that year. The holidays, it seemed to me, was a time of reflecting on the changing nature of the relationships of the previous year, the loss of some of the people we loved, a reminder of the break ups and divorces happening, and a call to also remember to cherish the good news of new relationships forming and the births, adoptions, and additions of new members into the family.
 
When my father died after a very long battle with his health challenges, it marked a significant change in our identity as an immediate family. My mother was now a widow, and I was reminded of all our mortality.
 
There were a few things I left out of his eulogy that I never told anyone. One of those things is that one of his unfulfilled wishes was for him to see me get married and start a family of my own before he died.
 
A month after he died I celebrated my birthday, my first without him. With each important date that came along (his birthday, his wedding anniversary, father's day, and the holidays) it was an adjustment to the new normal.
 
With each one I tried different ways to celebrate. Some of them I spent with friends, some of them with family and some I spent alone. On father's day I made a visit to the cemetery bringing my mother with me.
 
At Christmas, I spent it with my immediate family, and had to manage my own coping method of withdrawing from the crowd with some of my families coping methods of making mountains out of molehills.
 
At New Years Eve, I spent it alone at home making only a quick visit to another uncle recovering from heart surgery.
 
What I learned is that each person copes with grief in his or her own way. Some need to party with others, and some need to spend time alone. Some need to cry out at the casket at the funeral home, and some need to yell at the people crying out at the casket because there are people who are too uncomfortable at the expression of another's grief.
 
If there could be something I hope will make managing your mourning this holiday season easier, it is this: No matter how uncomfortable you are with the way someone expresses grief, show some compassion and simply learn to accept it.
 
If you cannot do that, at the very least, please shut the hell up. Just because you cannot handle someone else's grief does not make you -stronger- and it does not make the other person -wrong-.
 
In our pill-popping society, family members may often push for mourning relatives to be sedated, not in the best interest of the mourning relative, but because the family members feel ill-equipped to manage excessive expressions of grief. Never yell at someone for expressing grief.
 
Give that the person the space and acceptance needed to process the intense emotions. If drugs suppress those intense emotions, then those unexpressed emotions may and likely will manifest in other ways (like emotional blocks or dysfunctional self sabotaging behaviors).
 
There is no -better- way to grieve. There is only the way that works for you as long as you remember even though mourning is a personal experience, that does not mean you can not get help with managing your grief. It is OK to seek out the aid of a professional, or even a companion willing to listen and who is OK with you being vulnerable and your truest self at your lowest moment.
 
They say that we each need to live each day as if it were our last. I am not a believer of that personally for reasons too numerous to mention in this article.
 
However, I do encourage people to live each day as if it were the last day that someone you love will live. If there is someone you want to reach out too, that you need to forgive or remind that you love, or want to apologize too then do it; not because you might die tomorrow, but because that person may die tomorrow. Get the difference?
 
Once in a while, I remember someone that did something nice for me, and I will contact that person and thank him or her, not because I might not be around, but because I wonder how I will feel if I miss the chance to tell them before that person is no longer around.
 
Three weeks ago, I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine. I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral but I never got to tell him how much I appreciated him, his works and his talents while he was alive. Now, I never will.
 
Understanding relationships goes hand in hand with understanding the principle that every relationship you have on earth is temporary and that unions between people end either by choice (break up, separation or divorce) or in the best of cases, will end by the death of one of the people in the relationship.
 
Be mindful of this fact when you take the time we all have (or lack thereof) for granted. Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate and whomever you happen to love.
 
Frank Kermit

Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit
 
Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken?
 
Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time.
 
One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time.
 
For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime?  Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere?
 
In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy.
 
That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again.
 
But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system.
 
Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system.
 
Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation.
 
Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down.
 
Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes.
 
Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love.
 
Frank Kermit 

 Be Thankful For a Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
Ok, I hate this. I really hate this part of the process. However, it is a necessary part of the process, and if I am expected to help encourage others to do it, first I have to demonstrate doing it myself. It is about being thankful for the times your heart got broken.
 
Before we go on, I want to make something perfectly clear. This is not about forgiveness. This is not about condoning any horrible act that someone perpetrated on you. This is not about wishing for it to happen again.
 
This is just a perspective to change your mindset. This is to help people focus on what they can learn from heartbreak. By focusing on what you learned, it puts you into a position where you are more aware of signs you missed the first time, so that you can limit your exposure to massive heartbreaks in the future, without having to close yourself from opportunities of love.
 
Ok, here I go.
 
I am thankful for getting stood up at my senior prom. There were lots of signs I ignored about the way I was treated by that girl leading up to that night. If it was not for that event, I may have always continued to be too trusting and in denial.
 
I am thankful for losing my ex-fiancé to one of my best friends. This event taught me so many lessons. One of the lessons included not talking about my problems regarding my partner with friends, when I should be discussing those with my partner.
 
Another lesson I learned is that even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship, and that is not enough to force a relationship to work if you are with the wrong person for you.
 
I am thankful for a girlfriend having cheated on me by having a threesome with a married couple. This lesson taught me about being realistic when wanting to try an open relationship with certain rules, and not taking action to ensure those rules are followed.
 
I am thankful for an ex-lover who got me to visit her in Vermont after we broke up on the promise of a romantic weekend, only to find out that she just wanted platonic company, so that she would not be alone, and had no interest in being romantic at all. Although the trip was not what I had hoped, it gave me an opportunity to take action when I felt disrespected, and I got up and left. It was something I previously would never have done, had I not learned lessons from previous heartbreaks.
 
Now, I am actually thankful that any of these things happened? Well, not exactly. I wish none of those events had taken place. These events were some of the most devastating experiences of my life when they happened, and with each one, I thought my world was crumbling around me.
 
However, what I must acknowledge about myself in this process is that I probably would not have learned those hard lessons any other way. It took being hurt badly, in order for me to wake up and realize the choices I was making, in terms of the people I dated, were the wrong ones.
 
Without the heartbreak as a motivation to change my behaviors so that I could avoid the same heartbreak again, it is more than likely that I would have continued to make the same mistakes over and over.
 
And for that reason, I am thankful that the lessons I learned did not have to be even more devastatingly hurtful than they were. I had the chance to smarten up before making the same mistake again, which could have had worse consequences.
 
With all that said there are some heartbreak stories that were not so bad, but that I was still able to learn something and be thankful for.
 
I am thankful for finding my very first official girlfriend. She taught me that I was lovable at a time when I struggled to love myself.
 
I am thankful for the women that I have connected with on my journey to understand relationships, as each one taught me how to manage different kinds of relationship structures, and that different relationship structures actually exist and can work.
 
I am thankful for my wife, that has thus far experienced me at my worst, stuck by me anyways and is a great mother to our magnificent son. Together, we continue to learn the true meaning of marriage and all the good and not so good challenges that marriage offers. Lots more lessons to learn here.
 
Inevitably, the majority of the relationships we have in our lives will end one way or another, either through break ups, or for those that last the rest of our lives, death will do us part.
 
Those relationships that do not end in a break up will still have their share of heartbreak. We are human, and human beings make mistakes and hurt the people we love. It is also part of the process.
 
However, if with each heartbreak we can grow a little more, then in time, we will also learn to love a little more, and love with less hurt.
 
Frank Kermit

This is a contributed post.

Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
 
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
 
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
 
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
 
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
 
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
 
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
 
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
 
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
 
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
 
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
 
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
 
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
 
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
 
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
 
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
 
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
 
So Stop Blaming hook up culture, new technologies, the people who rejected you, the people you CHOSE to date, and society.  You are single because of YOU. Wake up and become a commitment-worthy dating candidate if you want a serious commitment. ACT like a person that is worth a serious commitment. Just like any other goal in life, it is about YOU. Sign up for Coaching Now.

Frank Kermit

 Beware Your Friends!
They May Not Want You To Be Loved
By Frank Kermit
 
Mistakes Singles Make # 6... Seeking the approval of friends that influences your love life choices.
 
Love may come and go, but a friendship can last a lifetime...or so they say. I used to believe it myself until a handful of experiences of having some of my own "friends" ruin my first few serious relationships. I also experienced being on the other side of it, when my partner's friends got more of a say our relationship than they should have. Those were very unpleasant experiences, but in retrospect, I am grateful they happened, as they taught me a very important life lesson.
 
I learned very early on in my life that a friend's interest in you being happy in your love life depends on if your happiness interferes with their lives. If you having a relationship with someone new in your life will get in the way of the expectations your friends place on you, then beware. Your friends could become the saboteurs at the crossroads of your journey in life.
 
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy is simple jealousy. Why should you be happy when they are not as happy, even if your friend already has a partner? I find these stories much more common with my women clients. Some women simply cannot stand to see their girl friends find someone to be special to them. A relationship steals a friend's attention off her (just EVIL!). In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have her friends introduce her to potential mates because many of her friends (usually coupled up and started families) mention (in a joking manner of course) that the couple would lose a great babysitter. Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
 
Sometimes the source of your friend-turned-enemy can be the fact that a new loving relationship interferes with a certain lifestyle of good times that friends have become accustom to having together. This is more common among the men I coach, as guys get resentful when a new relationship costs them a wingman
 
As I teach it, a real friend helps you get what you want. If you want sex, a friend does not stand in your way. If you want to date someone, a friend does not encourage you against it. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her. And if you get very serious with someone that your friend does not necessarily think is right for you (for ANY reason), a real friend sticks by your decision and accepts you despite not approving of your partner choice. Anything else (barring a seriously dysfunctional relationship involving abusive that your friend wants you to stay aware from) is not a sign of a real friendship, but an indication that it was a relation of convenience. Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your ally in love.
 
That is at the heart of when you have to choose between your friends and your partner. Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval. You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after, those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences. If you want to get to know someone, but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve (for example, if your friends would accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive, then you deserve all the misery a lonely future can have installed for you.

Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS. Until you grow up and come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
 
Frank Kermit