 How to write a eulogy How To Write a Eulogy by Frank Kermit Hi Friend, One of the best speeches I ever gave in my life, was my father's eulogy. I wrote it in a way with the specific goals to not only talk about who my father was, but it was also designed to bring a measure of peace and healing to the many people drowning in grief at the funeral. I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve with that eulogy, and based on the reactions of the various attendees, I seemed to have achieved that goal. If you are about to give a eulogy, and are nervous because you want to do a good job, but are not sure about what you should say, and if talking directly from your heart, is not something that comes easy for you, then this article was written with you in mind. Once you write it and give the eulogy, do contact me and let me know how things turned out for you. I would love to hear from you. 25 Steps The Best Eulogy 1-You can mention your own grief, but do not focus on it. My main point of grief writing my dad's eulogy is that he died before my own children were born, and that was my biggest regret. That my own children would never get the chance to meet him. I mentioned it once in the eulogy. But that was it. I did not stick with that theme throughout the speech. Never use a eulogy in a way, that it could be mistaken for seeking out pity. 2-Languages. My father taught himself to read and write in three languages. So I made sure to give the eulogy in more than one language. If the person you are giving the eulogy for was also multilingual, do your best to include a sample of each language into your eulogy. 3-Focus on the good (How did that person make a difference) What is the legacy that the person left behind? What accomplishments was that person most proud of? What did that person want to be remember for? These are all good points to bring up during a eulogy. 4-Everyone grieves differently It is important for you as a eulogist to remind all attendees to have compassion for one another. One person may deal with grief by wanting to be left alone and not speak to others for a while. Other people may need to cry out loud. The most important thing to remind everyone is that we all will grieve differently and to support each other with acceptance of the different ways we cope with loss. 5-Be prepared Have water handy in case your voice dries out. Have a handkerchief or tissues to dry your eyes and blow your nose. Have someone close to you to pat your back or hold your hand if you think you might need it. At one point during my speech, my eyes were so watery, I had blurred vision and no tissues. Using the sleeve of my shirt, I washed away the tears and calmed my breathing down in order to continue. 6-Don’t dwell on that persons hardships, just use them as time markers We all have hardships, but most people want to be remembered for more than just the hardships they endured. They want to be remembered for how they lived, not for all the bad stuff that happened to them. My father lost an eye during an accident when he was six years old. I mentioned it only to point out he had to grow up very fast after that. But I never talked about it again in the speech. I could have mentioned all the prejudice he faced in his life because of it. But I am sure my father would want to be remembered for being a hard worker, teaching himself how to read and write 3 languages, and of his devotion to his children's education and not be remembered for the bad stuff that happened to him. 7-What you talk about at the wake Before you give the eulogy, go around to the people at the wake, or those that reach out to you with condolence. Ask each person what they noticed most about the person BUT do not tell them you are seeking info for the eulogy. This will give you an idea of what words to use, and maybe even a story to share, about how others viewed the person you are talking about. Just before the funeral, my brother, sister and I were speaking, and they mentioned to me how much my father liked a good discussion. It was something that wasn't in my original speech, so I jotted it down just before it was time to deliver the eulogy. 8-Quote the person in that persons voice (imitate voice and gestures) Quoting the person is always a good idea. However, if you have the ability to quote that person, using a similar sounding voice or accent as the person, then use it. It helps to release some of the tension people are feeling when the eulogy is given. 9-Name drop as many people as you can, who attend the funeral When talking about stories where naming people is appropriate, do make the effort to name as many people as you can, that you know are in attendance at the funeral. It makes people feel that are very much a part of the process of showing respect for the person that has died. If you can, do mention the names of the people that traveled long distances, just to attend and pay their respects. 10-Say Thank You to all care givers. If long sickness was involved, comment on the people who took care of the person and be sure to thank them all by name. When people are suffering from grief, it is very easy for anyone to feel unappreciated and taken for granted. These negative feelings could lead to bad decisions that could permanently wedge relationships in the future. During the last 8 weeks of my father's life, he was tended to by my aunt (his sister), my uncle (his brother), my brother, my sister and my mother. I made it a point to talk about each person for a few minutes, mentioned their good qualities, and anything my father may have mentioned about his love and respect for them. It brought a lot of peace to them. 11-Use the shortest phrase you can to describe the person Come up with an overall theme that encompasses everything the person was. It will be that phrase that people will remember when they leave the funeral. When trying to sum up my father in as few words as possible, I believe the term "silent devotion" encompasses everything he was to us. I used that phrase throughout the speech. I explained why it was appropriate because my father was not an outwardly expressive person (silent), but he showed his family his love with his (devotion) providing for them. To this day, some of his old neighbours still remark how they remember that eulogy for this reason. 12-The use of audio-visual materials Depending on where you conduct the eulogy, you will have to keep in mind that some places do not allow for audio-visual materials. Those that do allow for it, may not be equipped with the technology. There is a story of one particular person who was giving the eulogy of her father, and wanted to play a song that was one of her father's favorite. However, the religious authority that presided over the funeral, would not allow it because it was a not a "religious song". The young girl then simply read the lyrics of the song as part of her eulogy. If using audio-visual material is important in your eulogy, please make sure you will not have any unpleasant surprises. 13-If the person knew it was coming, mention it In all the years I have been coaching, I have learned that if it is mentioned in a eulogy that the person knew that death was coming soon, it actually brings peace to some of the people who are coping with loss. It helps people feel that, since the person knew, the person likely got to do and say things before it was too late. It really seems to help people cope with the loss. So if this applies to the person you are speaking about please mention it. 14-Dreams…if you’d had a dream of person, mention it The night after my father died, I had a dream where he came to speak to me to say goodbye and to tell me I should go and start a family of my own. I have no idea if it was just a dream, or if it was actually him trying to communicate with me after his death. I honestly do not know what to believe. Turns out, it does not matter what I believe anyways. When I told this story at his eulogy, it amazed me how much it was a comfort to others that there was even this remote possibility that my father could still communicate with the people left behind. 15-Give mourners a job Ask all mourners to celebrate the life of the person who has died, but give mourners something SPECIFIC they are suppose to do. I told everyone that they should pick one memory of my father, and that favorite memory could be a discussion they had with him, or something he did for them, and to talk about that favorite memory to everyone who also knew him. By giving mourners a job, you give them an ability to further help them deal with the loss. 16-End off with saying something to the person directly When you end the eulogy, this is where you can say something direct to the person. It could be a simple, "I love you", or "I will miss you" or "good bye". It might also be something very personal between you and the person. My father used to tell me that I would never admit he was right about anything. So one of the last things I would say at the eulogy would be, "Hey dad...you were right" 17-They will ALL forgive you Keep in mind that when you are giving the speech, as long as you do it from an honest place, people will forgive you if you cry or break down. I broke down in the middle of my speech and needed a couple of minutes to compose myself again in order to continue. It is more than forgivable even the circumstances. 18-Forget you are talking to a crowd of people When you give your speech, talk as if you are speaking directly to the person's closet contacts. If that does not work well enough for you then talk to the person that you mention in your speech, as if you are practicing reading their eulogy to him or her. 19-A eulogy is for the people still left, not the one who died. As contrary as this may sound, when you write and recite the eulogy, keep in mind that the purpose is MORE to give those still alive some form of peace and healing, and LESS to do with actually saying something to the person that has died. 20-A eulogy is designed to bring people together. Deaths can break up the family, and a eulogy MUST help reunite them This is why you thank people in the eulogy, and remind them to show compassion to one another. Mourning can sometimes bring out the worst in people. The eulogy is there to help bring out the best in people. No matter how justified it may feel at the moment, never use a eulogy to bring negative attention to anyone. 21-Why people remember the eulogy Grievers do NOT remember much of the entire week of death, funeral home, or the burial…..EVERYONE remembers the eulogy. It is one of the elements of the mourning phase that speaks directly to people, and is easier for people to remember, because the other memories of the death of a loved one, could be too much for many to handle. A eulogy does not get blocked out, because it brings comfort and closure. 22-When talking about God Unless the person was a particularly devote religious person, do not mention god or religion. If that person believed, then mention their faith. But if that person did not beleive, do not mention god or faith. Those that believe will believe, and those that don’t will not. 23-List what made the person happy in life Name three things in that persons life that made that person exceptionally happy. This will help mourners remember the person as being happy. It is a good image and memory for mourners to hold on to, especially at such a time of great sadness and stress. A couple of the things I mentioned that my gave my father the greatest happiness were his pet dog, his cottage in the country area, and watching his family grow. People that knew him were reminded if images of his being happy in life. 24-The importance of a continuation A preacher gave me this great bit of advice. When people struggle with the idea of a person's life line coming to an end, help re-direct their thoughts that line is not a linear line with a beginning and an end. Life is a circle. The person did not reach the end of the line; the person completed the cycle of their circle of life. As circles are continues in their nature, it is easier for mourners, to envision a form of continuation as a circle and the end of one cycle and the start of another cycle circle, then to think about the line having ended abruptly 25-The story of passing the love forward. In the eulogy I gave for my father, I talked about how my grandmother always said that because I was born in the same month as the death of her brother, that she believed that all the love she had for her brother should be re-directed to me. She said that when someone dies, it is a sign that the person in the family was was born closest to that time should now be a magnet for the affection that person used to get. So I told people that the baby born closest to my fathers death (a third cousin who lived in the area) should be the receiver of all the love that my father got, and to give that child a little extra attention. The idea is to help mourners to a put a focus to love the children that need their attention, instead of getting lost in their own selves with grief.
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 Get comfortable with the causes of Grief Get Comfortable With The Causes of Grief by Frank Kermit This is the first of a series of articles I want to present on the topics of Bereavement, Grief and Mourning. The reason I created this group of articles is because I think that people who are coping with loss generally, do not get the compassion and support they really need. People are generally uncomfortable with dealing with any sort of grief. Whether the grief is their own, or dealing with the grief of others. It makes for awkward interactions, and that is not right. A person in grief is too wrapped up in their own emotions, to really notice the awkwardness of the people around them offering any kind of support. And those people who would want to offer support, are too concerned they might make things worse for the person in mourning. So these articles aims to help prepare all people to better manage their sense of loss, and how to better support the people in their lives who are experiencing a loss. Losses that may cause grief include: -Death of a loved one. -Being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal disease. -Disability from a severe accident or illness. -Divorce or the end of a relationship. -Miscarriage or stillbirth. -The birth of a child with a birth defect. -A diagnosis of infertility. -Learning that your child or teen has developed a behavior problem, learning disability, or substance abuse disorder. -A move from a familiar home. This is especially hard for older adults. -Job loss. -Loss of independence after a serious accident or illness. -An act of violence or a natural disaster. -Starting school (loss of the comfort of home and familiar surroundings). -Gaining increasing independence and self-responsibility in the late childhood and teen years (loss of dependence on parents). -Marriage (loss of independent decision making). -Birth of a child (loss of independence). -Retirement (loss of income, work-related identity, and daily social contact). -Aging and maturing (loss of physical strength and youthful appearance). As you can see, chances are that EVERYONE is going have to cope with loss at some point in their lives. It is fundamentally important that we all develop coping skills. I hope people find these articles useful. -Frank Kermit  Sign Up For Coaching  Ex-Lovers and Wedding Guest List
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018 During my couples coaching sessions, one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up is the wedding list of guests. One of the questions I ask is: Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests, that your partner (the one who is marrying you) does not know about? I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple getting married, that the other partner did not know. What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover, actually made it to the actual wedding party (either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman) Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner. Usually, the invitation of a past lover to a wedding can be handled, but it is the secretive nature of the information that causes the bigger issue. The other partner starts to wonder what other information has not been volunteered that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct direction question is asked. That is no way to start a wedding guest list. As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix. And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers has been invited to your wedding make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER The worst thing that can happen, is that the information is reveal at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating and secrets come out unintentionally. It is a time people become emotionally, and sometimes intoxicated, which always spells trouble for secret-keeping. I have seen this happen from direct experience and those of my client base. Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle. If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.  Coping with Loss at a Wedding Remembering the Dead at a Wedding by Frank Kermit Sometimes, couples who marry want to do something at the wedding in memory of the people who passed away. This happens, especially when the death was recent. At my wedding, my wife and I did a little ceremony at the reception where we lit a candle and read an inscription, announcing it was in memory of various relatives that had died, who would have wanted to attend. It was very short, but it did bring us come comfort, and it was also comforting to some of the attendees who were still in mourning. We all cope with loss differently. It is important for the wedding couple to also remember, that not everyone will appreciate your efforts to pay tribute to your lost loved ones. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make, is they try to tell someone else that how they grieve is wrong. For example, this story is of a wedding I attended: A father dies a few months before his son is set to be married. At the wedding, a special tribute is made in honor of the late father. The groom and his mom dance to a song that was in memory of his dad. All the guests were invited on the dance floor to circle them. Then it happened... at one point, the groom and his mom started to cry a little. It was not a hysterical cry at all, but the tears were evident. Everyone around them formed into a circle continued to move to the music. ...except one man. He started to raise his voice to tell the DJ to stop the music. He was an uncle in the family, and felt that the song and tribute was making them cry and that it was wrong. So he made a fool of himself trying to stop the tribute. Luckily, the DJ and the rest of the guests ignored him. The uncle was not comfortable with seeing, or dealing with, grief. He tried to "protect" everyone else from grief as well. That was the worst thing he could have done, and lucky for everyone at the wedding, the DJ was smart enough not to listen to him. Make sure that you let the DJ, or other wedding professionals involved know about any potential trouble-makers, and let the wedding professionals also know exactly what your wishes are in case a wedding guest decides to act out. If you can predict who might be the kind of person to act out, at your wedding, it might be a good idea to let that person know ahead of time what you are planning. This is not about getting that person's permission. It is more about letting that person know, so the shock of surprise in combination of the grief and mourning does not motivate that person into doing something that will turn your wedding from spectacular to a spectacle. -Frank Kermit
 Sign Up For Coaching Kevin Jackson is the author of the book Survive Her Affair, and founder of the site: www.soyourwifecheated.com Kevin Jackson has a unique gift to help men heal from their wife's infidelity. (At least, that is what hundreds of happy customers have to say.) Since late 2010, Kevin has been teaching men around the world how to survive their wife's infidelity, no matter how hopeless their situations seem. Using his no-b.s. approach and unique male perspective on the healing process, he has become the leader in the field of Affair Recovery For Men. Kevin's obsession with this topic began with a very personal experience of betrayal in his own life. He looked around for help to get through his own pain, but all he found were books and programs that were primarily for women. (And these books were full of examples of the man being the one who cheated... talk about sexist). Kevin used his knowledge of internet marketing to put up a website, and started helping men online navigate through the perilous waters of affair recovery. Quickly he had a loyal following and an online tribe. Kevin has leveraged his secrets and philosophies to help men in all 50 states, and from every walk of life. He is available for media interviews and appearances. Bonus Track for Survive Her Affair Date: August 2014, Title: Survive Her Affair Frank Kermit makes his 1st appearance. Kevin Jackson author and founder of Survive Her Affair, interviews Frank Kermit as part of a series of audio bonus to the purchase of his book. This is a 10 minute preview of the first interview for you to listen to, and get an idea of how men react to being cheated on by their wives.  Tattoos and Relationships:
Beware The L-I-N-K of Love and INK By Frank Kermit While at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, I met a tattoo artist. He had his son's name tattooed on his hand, and being the ever-inquisitive one, I asked him about his profession and the topic of getting the name of someone tattooed on your body. He told me that historically, sailors who traveled from port to port had a history of tattooing the name of the girl they spent most of their time with. At each new port, the name of the previous girl was crossed out, and underneath it was the name of the new girl he met that became the love of his life. The sailors would only spend a limited amount of time at each port, and then head back out to sea. This was also a period of time when vagabond sailors did not have any guarantee that they would be returning to another port, and die at sea; so in essence, they had to make the most of the romance they had today, for tomorrow they may all die. With that in mind, those sailors had very little to lose to the L-I-N-K (love and ink). People in modern times are a different story. The artist told me that he believes that tattooing the name of children on a parent is likely the more acceptable (if not the most acceptable) form of name tattooing because you will always be a parent, and a parent is suppose to always love their children. However he cautioned against tattooing the name of a partner (whether it be someone you are simply dating, or a spouse). In his business, he simply has seen too many good intentioned lovers end up regretting getting their partner's name tattooed on their bodies, and have to end up deciding if they wanted the tattoo removed, or covered up with another tattoo (such as a simple black bar or a more elaborate design). Body modification (piercing, plastic surgery, tattoos and such) does not carry with them the stigmas they used too. Younger people are more accepting of their peers who apply them, celebrities who earn their spotlight though their ability to continue to garner attention indirectly endorse it by having it done, older people who have mostly lived quiet, law-abiding lives sometimes want to experience the rebellious rejuvenation by having something done in the golden years of their lives. But regardless of all of that, getting the name of your partner tattooed, is still something that some tattoo artists simply refuse to do because of the high risk of regret that may follow such actions. What is very strongly recommended is that a symbol be used, instead of a direct name. The symbol could be something that represents how the couple got together, or perhaps a common interest that the couple happens to share. For example, a character from the couple's favorite movie, or perhaps an image of a favorite flower if the couple had flowers play a role in their first date, or perhaps they have the same zodiac sign and that is the symbol they can use. It stands to reason that even if the couple breaks up after the tattoo is completed, that those tattoo images can still have meanings that do not just reflect the past relationship, but a still relevant element of the person that has been marked. I have never had the experience of having a lover want to get my name tattooed on her body. In my younger years, during a very passionately intense time in my life when I lived a much more adventurous lifestyle, the closest I ever got to having a lover have my name tattooed on her body was when I would scribble my initials on my lovers skin using a felt tipped marker. Now before, anyone gets upset, everyone involved was a consenting adult, the marker ink washed off, and it was always areas of skin that were covered in clothing. Some of the women I did this with actually got a thrill, as if I had been some cave man brut who was marking his territory. In fact, one lover made it a point to go shower at the gym to "show off" to the other girls that she had been "marked by her man". There were others who agreed to it for fun, thou I caught them rolling their eyes at how giddy I had become in doing it (well, so much for my masterful masculine image huh?). But that is exactly the point...it was not permanent, so it could be fun. I may never have a Frank fan that would L-I-N-K to me. This is probably a good thing, as I may just be a passing fad or phase to them. But Oh, so help me, I can not help but feel a little ego boost at the thought that someone would be enthused with me that much to consider doing it...maybe that is why, despite the obvious risks of tattooing a partner's name on your body, this practice is continues to be done by a handful of lovers and artists. It is not just about how the marked person feels about the named person being inscribed. It can also be about how it makes the named person feel. If you are going to tattoo the name of your lover, or want your lovers to tattoo your name on them, be sure you all know the risks. If you have any doubts regarding facing those risks at a later time, then do not do it. Frank Kermit Sean Keane Tribute By Frank Kermit The first time I got to know Sean Keane was back in January 1995. I had seen him perform on stage a couple of years earlier, but it was only in 1995 that I got to know him more personally. I was a student in Communication Studies at Concordia University in the Television Production Level 2 course, and was part of a small team of students producing a documentary on the topic of comedy as our major class project. We were a young, eager group, hungry for the chance to showcase what we could do, and build up our portfolio to get jobs in the industry. The documentary entitled Laugh-Trax featured stand-up comics Alastair McAlastair, Sean Keane, the musical sketch comedy team of Radio Free Vestibule, and a group of wannabes comics from a workshop on stand-up comedy led by more established comics Barry Julien and David John McCarthy. At the time, that documentary represented one of the most important works any of us Concordia students had ever ventured doing towards carving a name for ourselves in the industry. We were grateful for any participation we got from the talent we filmed. I remember that Sean Keane was actually incredibly supportive in ways that we could not have begun to imagine. Sean gave our documentary more time in being filmed and interviewed than we could have reasonably expected. One night, Sean had invited us to videotape him doing a full set at a comedy club. The team filmed him, but the crowd was just not as high on his style of comedy as we would have liked. Sean’s humor was unique and sometimes, it took audiences a little while to really get the character he played on stage. Nonetheless, we were grateful just for getting the chance to record the man in action. As the crew packed up, Sean made a phone call. He had reached out to someone at another comedy club that same night asking if he could crash the show, and perform on stage so that the students he was helping out could get another shot at recording him live on stage. The club administration agreed. In walked Sean Keane, with a group of students who feverishly but quietly set up their equipment at the back of the bar, getting an audio feed from the club’s sound board while the other comedians performed and Sean worked out the details with the M.C. for the night, about how to introduce him. The MC made it a point to say that Sean Keane was in the house, crashed the party and was going to be a special unannounced attraction. Sean headed towards the stage, with his trademark theme song playing (the man had his own theme song!!), and the crowd went nuts. THIS crowd knew who Sean Keane was. His act was over the top (as usual), but there was something a little different. He knew we were filming him and he put on an awesome performance that included and extra dance with M.C. of the night Alastair McAlastair. At the end of the set, the crowd roared, and we got the footage we were desperately looking for. Thank you Sean Keane! In time, I would learn that Sean actually had some anxiety about performing live and on camera. Despite that, he performed for us twice in one night when he did not have too. What a guy. Sean Keane the human being, was incredibly far removed from the character he played on stage whose comedic remarks included a rudeness, grunts, and the narcissists comments of a self-centered glory hound. Years later, I would run into Sean Keane while I volunteered at the West Mount Legal Clinic in the YMCA. Sean told me that he wasn’t performing as much, but that making people laugh was still in his heart, and that he had lots of ideas that he wanted to explore in the future related to comedy. Found out he was a real health nut, and had the biggest soft spot when it came to animals. Once again, Sean Keane the human being was so far removed from the character he played on stage. We would see each other regularly on the streets of NDG for years, with a friendly hello and small conversations. Every time I ran into him, all I could think of to myself is: There was an entertainer with the elusive IT factor. He knew how to press the right buttons and given long enough to warm over the crowd, could evoke a reaction from almost anyone. I always believed that he just needed the right break, and that he would be an overnight success. I never questioned it. In late 2012, I was on Facebook, and George Bowser (Bowser and Blue) wrote in that Sean Keane had died at age 52. Shocked was an understatement. How could someone so in love with healthy habits and so full of life be gone? And so young? It just did not make sense. Sometimes, I think about Sean Keane while I go about my day-to-day routine, and I am always bothered by one thing. The fact that someone like Sean, with the raw charisma and IT factor power that Sean had, never made it to the Tonight Show. If I ever get to the Tonight Show myself, I think I will bring a picture of Sean Keane with me, and help introduce the world to him. From what I understand, it was one of his dreams, and if I can help him like that, in the same way he helped out a bunch of students achieve their dream so many years ago, I would like to think it is the type of karma that Sean would have enjoyed. “Sean was the most unique comic I’ve ever met. He had his own style, own look even his own theme song! Sean was just a kind individual. Always great to speak to or hang out with him, he will be greatly missed,” says Joey Elias of the CJAD comedy show. “I loved Sean. His comedy was special and he will be missed,” says Alastair McAlastair of the CBC. Many of Sean Keane’s friends and family are organizeda night of comedy and memories in October 2013 at the Comedyworks. On the card were Terence Bowman, Winston Spear, Mike Paterson, Peter Radomski, EJ Brule, and Kevin MacDonald. Finally I would like to present a never before released interview that I helped record of Sean Keane. After Sean’s funeral I went searching for a copy of the Laugh-Trax documentary we did. I reached out to various people that I thought might have a good quality copy but to no avail. The only copy I managed to track down was an old copy of a copy on a VHS videocassette. The audio was echoed in some sections of the tape, and there were significant glitches throughout the video that compromise it’s production value. Looking back on what we thought was a masterpiece when it was originally produced, the framing of the camera shots, the ever changing audio levels, and the lack of proper lighting from shooting scenes in a dark comedy club, it really does only look like a student video project. However, Sean’s interview clips did have enough stable audio attached to them to transcribe most of what he said. This documentary was presented at the end of semester student viewing night at Concordia around April 1995 in front of less than 100 different people, and has only been witnessed by whoever had a copy of the video and their friends. This was way before youtube and social media. For all intent purposes, this interview with Sean Keane was never properly released. I thought it would be a respectful gesture to share with you all, what Sean was so willing to share with us and our audience Clips of audio of Sean Keane’s comedy: Please keep in mind that these jokes were performed in the context of Keane's persona character who was for all intense purposes could come across as an arrogant vulgar jerk. Comedian Sean Keane was able to make the distastefully vulgar and rude character likable and laughably funny, the same way that actor Carroll O’ Connor was able to make the gruff, bigoted ignorant character Archie Bunker into a beloved figured and TV icon. THAT was part of the genius of Sean Keane. Clip: “There are no lesbians, just chicks that have yet to meet me.” Clip: “I think my grandmother stuffs her bra. At least it feels that way (Ahem!)” Clip: “Have you seen this ad? A little old lady comes on the TV screen and says, f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, suck my t*ts, suck my t*ts? no? maybe it’s just my imagination then.” Clip: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He says I should use more profanity in my act. So, any of you people here from out of town, f*ck?” Clip: “I met my wife in a single’s bar. (Grunt!) She was sitting across the room at the bar and I started to come on to her. Didn’t know I could squirt that far.” Clip: “She asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. I said, no, but I will f*ck you again.” The Lost Sean Keane Interview of 1995 Host: How would you describe your style of humor? Sean: Like everybody else would describe my style: Bizarre. In a way, it’s like something else has entered by body. It’s a way for me to act out like another man. Host: How do you deal with hecklers? Sean: I kill them (said as his on stage persona character) Host: Does the crowd reaction enhance your act? Sean: Oh for sure. It gives me more (to work with). When they are really with it, I get the nerve to REALLY swagger and act even more like an ass and get more physical (to dance like I did with Alastair that night.) Host: This is asked of all the comedians we have interviewed because it happens to everyone at some point or another that does stand up comedy. How did you react to the first time you bombed on stage? Sean: Terrible. I gave it up for a little while. Didn’t pick myself up and dust myself off right away. I was so disturbed about it. Host: Does vulgarity offer comedy an edge? Is it funnier to include vulgarity? Sean: I don’t like vulgarity for the sake of having vulgarity. I like vulgarity if it’s obscene to the point of ridiculous. THAT is funny to me. Because then you are laughing at how ridiculous it is, and not the vulgarity itself. Host: I asked everyone this question. What do you do if someone finds a joke you told offensive and comes to tell you so after your show? Do you explain it to them? Sean: I don’t like to offend people. That is not my intention. But if someone is offended because someone took it the wrong way, then I do not care. I don’t explain it to them. One woman came up to me complaining about the joke I tell about the 5-year-old daughter Clip: “I got my five year old daughter on the phone saying daddy-daddy, please come visit me, daddy-daddy I love you I miss you I want you to be here…oh f*ck off. I got my own life to live and my plans don’t include you baby. Besides I hate hospitals” Sean: So, this woman comes up to me after one of my shows and tells me that she has a young daughter, and her husband just left her, and that I should drop that joke. But I told her, that she made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy and that’s not my fault. This is a joke I wrote on my kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning; it has nothing to do with her life. Host: How do you feel when you hear a joke that resembles yours, to the point you think someone stole your joke? Sean: I get very mad. I do not like being ripped off. I have never done it to anybody else. It might sound self-righteous but I don’t like being ripped off and I don’t steal from anybody. Host: Have you ever told a joke that someone wrote for you? Sean: No. However I did find out that there was one joke that I was telling, and it was my mother who pointed out the joke was something someone else had told. After doing this joke for 4 to 5 years, my mother told me she saw it on TV. The joke was “I went to an all you can eat buffet, and when I got up for seconds, the manager said sorry sir, that is all you can eat”. My mother had just seen a re-run of Dennis the Menace TV show from the 1950s, where Dennis had an all you can drink lemonade stand, and he poured Margaret a little glass of lemonade, and she wanted more, and he said, sorry Margaret that is all you can drink. It’s the same joke, so I stopped saying it. Host: Would you still have stopped it even if it was a great joke to begin with and you innocently, without knowing, told essentially the same joke? Sean: Yes, I would still stop it. Even though I probably shouldn’t stop really because I did not steal it, but there is a bit of a code (of ethics) I got. Host: Do you have any superstitions about doing comedy? Sean: I was walking at the airport, and I spotted a penny from far away on the floor, and I thought to myself that if that penny is the year that I was born, then that would be my lucky penny. I picked it up and it was the year I was born. It was my lucky penny ever since. Host: What would you like to say to end this interview? Sean: Ladies and Gentleman, comedy is my job and I quit! Thank you and good-night! Thank you! -Frank Kermit  Sign Up For Coaching  Is there such a thing as Happily Single?
By Frank Kermit Is being single really that bad? After all, when a person considers the amount of pain that a relationship or casual dating can cause, it may seem that just skipping the whole dating-thing altogether might make for a more peaceful life. Could it be that intimate relations are simply not for everyone, and maybe you happen to be one of those people? How do you know if being alone is the right choice for you and is it even possible to be content, or even fulfilled in a life without romantic love? As always, that answer is completely up to you. The people who struggle with this question the most are those people that never actually had an overly positive, intimate relationship with someone before. If that is coupled with an environment that was emotionally sterile while that person was growing up, it makes trying to find the motivation for seeking out a relationship almost obsolete. Without having experienced what a health loving relationship can be, or not having experienced the positive attributes of being with someone that cares for you, it is challenging for someone to see the value is pursuing a goal they have no concept of. Then the consideration comes in that some people are simply too damaged to be in a relationship. There are cases where someone may be struggling with a personal demon like an addiction, or still coping with a history of abuse. Those demons may limit their capacity for intimate relationships of any kind. In these cases, people tend to be encouraged to work on themselves before entering into romantic relationships so that the challenges inherent with romantic relationships do not distract the people from the healing process, nor allow the romantic relationships to exasperate a persons energy causing them not to have the personal resources to slay the demon. This is most commonly understood when someone enters a drug and alcohol treatment center where patients are forbidden to have relations with each other and contact with loved ones must be limited. I have often found that barring any major issues, that a few people are simply not ready to make the commitment to the amount of work that is necessary to change an area of their life they are not happy with. Dismissed as laziness by some, the lack of willingness to put in the work required to change behavior patterns is nothing to scoff at. Changing anything in your life forces you out of your comfort zone. It takes work. The motivation to make such changes may very well require that someone hit an absolute rock bottom before having enough gumption to finally make that change. The same principle applies to changing the status of a persons love life. It is unfortunate that people require that kind of rock bottom to reach a point where the pain of staying where they are is finally greater than the pain of making a change. When I am asked if it is better to be in a relationship that is bad, or being alone, I often quote one of my inspirations. To paraphrase: Are you better off with that person, or better off without that person? There is no set answer. It completely depends on the context of your situation. There are a number of other factors to consider in the answer to this question. Are you very miserable, or just so-so bored with your partner? Is your partner a good parent to your kids, or are your kids in danger around your partner? Are you fighting day in and day out with your partner, or have you and your partner settled into a quiet existence that you find a little bland? Is your partner someone you can rely on, or is your partner a dead beat? If you were alone, would you be able to manage not having the positive elements that you do get from the relationships you experience? Are you just a negative person and will continue to find fault with your life even if your leave your partner? Ending a relationship is NOT always the answer when things are rough in life, because life is also going to be rough on you when you are single. There are always consequences to either lifestyle to choose, the question remains which consequences are you more adept to handle accepting? Some people are just comfortable being alone, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are happier being alone, then take pride in that. If you complain about being alone, then do something about it. If you complain about being in a relationship, again do something about it. Communicate with your partner and find out what is possible to change the areas you are not happy with, to see if you can work to build the relationship together that you will find fulfillment in. If you are trying to figure out if you want to give up on love or not, one of the ways to decide this for yourself is to sit down and work through the differences between your feelings towards single life and your desires for the kind of lifestyle you want for yourself. Start with your ideal lifestyle and work your way backwards to your current present date. Once you have that ideal (and REALISTIC) lifestyle mapped out, see if you are the type of person that can actually attain it, and if you would be able to attract the kind of partner that you yourself would need to be. Frank Kermit  When Partners Change During Relationships
By Frank Kermit When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased. A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can. This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it? One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end. Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship. People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time. Frank Kermit  Fear of Conflict is Rooted in a Fear of Loss
By Frank Kermit Are you too nice when it comes to relationships? Do you walk on eggshells because you do not want to upset your partner? Are you reluctant to enforce your boundaries with someone you care about? Are you afraid of the confrontations that would result if you communicated how you felt, even if you communicated in a compassionate and effective manner? Chances are you have a fear of conflict. There are very few things more devastating to the potential for long-term relationship success than a fear of conflict. Supplicating to your partner, or anyone for that matter, when your boundaries are crossed will more than likely lead to certain consequences such as building resentment. In time, building resentment needs a release, and this is where the stereotype of the nice person going "postal" comes from. Eventually, all that resentment finally comes out in one full on explosion of emotion, and the people around that person, never saw the rage coming, because that person has always been so accommodating (read: nice) about things. As far as everyone else was concerned, there was never any issue to be worried about, because the person who is too nice, never identified the conflicts he or she was experiencing. Furthermore, another side effect of a fear of conflict can be the bad habit of lying. Lies and lies and more lies, each one to help cover the last one, all in the name of trying to avoid a conflict. Not everyone who fears conflicts lies; however, some do. This is a very bad habit to be in. It gets especially bad when people convince themselves that they are lying to "spare the other person any anguish". Although the liars really do believe, and strongly convince themselves, they are lying for the good of others, the liars will only be able to break this repeating behavior pattern when they can admit they lie to help themselves avoid potential conflicts. THIS is the reason that people who are too nice in relationships often find themselves not easily earning the trust of their lovers. Experience will teach many a partner to be wary of those people that come across as too nice, because new partners will be suspicious about when the next explosion of rage may hit. Caught in the crossfire are people who are very nice, but who are not afraid of conflict. The sad part is that real nice people tend to turn off high quality partners, and attract those people who are in the habit of taking advantage of nice people. Those actual nice people can sometimes feel a sense of frustration because they cannot understand why things continue to not work out in relationships. At the root of fear of conflict is a fear of loss. It has nothing to do with the fear of losing an argument that the conflict might spark. It has to do with how a person will imagine they will be abandoned if they bring the conflict to light. Some people fear conflict because they are worried that having a conflict with someone they care about, might in fact, bring about the end of the relationship. Depending on what the conflict is, the cost of enforcing a boundary could very well be the relationship. In other cases, it is not the conflict that will end the relationship, but a person's inability to handle intense emotions that the conflict brings out. If the person with the conflict is not comfortable with intense emotions, they may bring up the conflict in the only way they know how, which is likely very un-calibrated and comes across as angry, and not a calm discussion. Some people are reluctant to learning to accept conflicts as a part of life because they are afraid that it will cause them to see nothing but conflicts everywhere they look. I attempt to explain to people that conflicts do not just manifest out of thin air. Those conflicts were ALWAYS there and it is just that learning the ability to mange a fear of conflict, also gives the gift of developing a talent to spot conflicts that you previously did not read as conflict signals. For example, part of learning to deal with a fear of conflict is to identify your deal breakers and boundaries. Once you know where your boundaries are, then you will see all those places where your boundaries are violated (thus seeing the signals of conflicts). Until you know yourself enough to be able to articulate your boundaries, you will be unable to manage your fear of conflict because you will not be able to properly put your finger on where the conflict actually exists. The Irony is that you are much more likely to lose what you have if you do not allow for conflicts to surface. People who are too scared to talk it out because they are scared to lose a partner, inevitably end up in situations where they are unable to feel trust in their partners (or vice-versa) because of the silent resentment that slowly builds between them. Resentment kills intimacy. If you have conflicts, you MUST communicate and work them out; otherwise, those conflicts will kill any potential that you would have originally had to make your relationships successful. To summarize, a relationship that cannot handle conflict is a relationship that is destined for doom. Frank Kermit  Get Out Of Your Own Way
By Frank Kermit One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality. Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain. To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect. The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations. The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control. “But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work. Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST. That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change. The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself. The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience. Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change. No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love. Frank Kermit  What They Do Not Tell You About Having Kids
By Frank Kermit I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other. What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question. I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent. Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep. Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe. Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival. Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours. Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult. Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting. Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is. Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end. Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo. Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble. At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get. Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now. Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up. Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning. Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do. All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage. Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them. Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all. Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead. Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids. If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about. Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive. Frank Kermit Pick And Choose Your Fights
By Frank Kermit Fighting in relationships is normal. The issue is not whether you fight. The issue is HOW a couple fights. Do they talk out their disagreements? Do they wait until they are alone together, or fight in front of others? Do they resort to name calling and screaming for even the most trivial things? Do they throw furniture at each other? Or, do they not fight at all, fearful of the potential consequences (real or imaginary) and let their anger simmer until it turns into blinding resentment, possibly erupting in a massive rage outburst. It is not even a question of finding ways not to fight. The focus is on helping people understand to pick and choose their fights in a relationship. This Frank Rule of Relationships, to pick and choose your fights, is also a great Calibration tool. Knowing how to screen if a fight is worth the effort, or if a fight is a waste of your time, can help smooth things along for long-term relationship success. It is important to judge who you are fighting with. Is the person you are about to engage with someone that is toxic (meaning the person lacks the capacity to reason or be reasonable)? Then your attempts to argue with such a person are futile. For example, an addict that is in the throws of withdrawal and desperately demanding money from you to feed the addiction is not in a reasonable state of mind where your attempts of talking to him or her out of it, will most likely not be effective. Even therapists try to arrange their sessions with addicts to happen at a time when the addict would be most receptive to talking. It is also important to be able to access your own ability to manage an unpleasant discussion that can easily turned heated. Know thy self, dear reader. If you can estimate that you would be unable to properly and maturely discuss a matter at a given moment, arrange with your partner to be able to talk about it at a later time, when you have had the chance to cool down and can be in a more rational and accepting frame of mind. In picking and choosing your fights, it is not about going to either extreme of always fighting with people about everything, or never fighting with anyone regardless of what they do to you. It is about being able to decipher when it is worth the time and effort to express yourself, when it is necessary to communicate a consequence that you will enact based on your reaction to others, and when you shouldn't even bother trying at all. If you zealously argue for every inconvenience you suffer, regardless of how important it is or isn't, you will likely lose credibility in the eyes of those you regularly communicate too. It can also very likely isolate you as few people want to be around the professional protestor, who usually do not understand that fighting about the political climate you are living in does not mandate the same reaction as your toast being under-toasted at the breakfast you ordered at the local greasy spoon. When you do pick the fight that you think is worth it, and assuming you are dealing with a reasonable person, and assuming that you are in a good frame of mind, make the distinction between expressing your issue, and issuing a consequence to the issue. When you express the issue that you are willing to fight about (it could be a boundary, a need of yours, or a manner in which you expect to be treated) it is important to simply state the issue. For example, when a cashier is spending time on the phone instead of doing her job, expressing your issue when you pick this fight may sound something like: "Excuse me miss, when I come to the cash register, I would appreciate that you get off the phone with your friend, and do your job." Here you are not resorting to name-calling, screaming, or threats. You are directly, calmly and clearly stating your issue when picking this fight. If the cashier is actually a reasonable person, she will realize the importance of your expression, and will follow through to accommodate you. If the cashier is a reasonable person having an unreasonable moment (or maybe she is just toxic after all), she may try to justify her position or try to attack your position as in: "This will only be a minute, are you that much in a hurry?" It is at THIS point, that you would go from expressing your issue to enforcing your issue by stating a consequence, which could sound something like this: "Miss, if you do not end that call and do your job right now, then I will have to take up this matter with your manager, who I am sure will not be as open to your pressing call." The key is that you do not mention the consequence until after you have given the person a chance to wake up, for what could be just a bad day for them. Conflict is never a pleasant situation. However, it is a part of life, and your ability to pick and choose your fights will help determine your ability to manage your long-term relationship success. You do not have a choice when it comes to what people may try to put you through, but you do have a choice to how charismatic you can try to be when it happens. Frank Kermit A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce By Frank Kermit One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking. Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change. These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you). It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one). The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain. However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice. It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success. If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt. Frank Kermit  How Long Do You Wait Until You Date Again? How Soon Do You Start Dating After A Break Up? By Frank Kermit "How much time should I wait before I start dating again?" is a common question that I get asked from someone that has just recently gotten dumped, and still suffering a broken heart. I always tell them the same thing: none. The sooner you start getting out there, the better. The shock, and startling surprise from people sets in, and then a calm comes over them when the realization also sets in that they are free to do what they want. If you are going to break up with someone, you had better mean it. You had better be sure that you do not want a future with that person, and that you are ready to hear about your soon to be ex partner having a new life with someone else. Losing your temper, or feeling too overwhelmed are not solid excuses for a break up. If you break up after every fight, and then get back together after every cooling off period, all you are doing is turning a repeating behavior pattern into a solid habit that is going to take effect even after you get more serious in the future if you somehow end up living with, married or having children with that person. On again, off again relationships are notorious for intermediate flings and love affairs that "do not count" as cheating because the partners were "on a break" at the time. The problem with this pattern is that, although it may start as a legitimate attempt to break up, or a mistake in letting anger gets the best of you, it can easily turn into a means of casually breaking off your primary relationship, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because you need an excuse to try to date someone new without it technically being cheating. One of the worst potential consequences is that this kind of repeating behavior pattern is hard to break even when you finally end up in a great relationship with someone totally new, as your old standard behavior pattern is to break up instead of fix the problem head on. Long-term relationship success is not for quitters. Some break ups turn out to be nothing more than emotionally abusive tactics employed by manipulative toxic people. These manipulators usually target emotionally vulnerable people who have inherit deep rooted fears of abandonment, and a manipulator will time a dramatic break up to lay siege on a vulnerable person's need for security at the worst possible time, in order to put that victim into a state of hyper-panic. This places the victim in a zone where the emotions are so overwhelming that the victim then agrees to just about anything as a means to sooth their anxiety. The manipulator's tactic is complete when the manipulator comes back just before the traumatic effects start to subside in the victim. This allows for the manipulator to capitalize on enforcing the victim's attachment to staying with the abuser at all costs to stave off deep emotional hardships. For this reason, when someone breaks up with you, and assuming this is a routine occurrence, the BEST ADVICE in such a break up dynamic is YOU NEVER TAKE THE BREAK UP ARTIST BACK. Dating other people right away is a reminder that your ex partner is just one of many people you can potentially connect with. It is not about how attracted you are to your new date it is about getting back into the habit of realizing your ex is not the only person out there. So the next time you are thinking about temporarily breaking up with your partner as a tactic to "keep'em on their toes", you may want to re-think that strategy. All you are doing is giving someone that has been waiting for you to step out of the picture long enough, to make a move and make your ex, his or her new partner...And rightfully so. Breaking up with someone is not "a tactic". It is a choice you make, and be sure that you can live with the consequences of saying goodbye. In my personal philosophy, everyone has the right to seek out a soul mate without interference. When you break up with someone, your ex has that right to seek out someone new that could be his or her next soul mate. Getting in their way is simply unethical. One very key understanding to dating after a break up, is that you are ONLY suppose to -date- and not get into serious relationships right away. It is normal to be a little emotionally vulnerable after a nasty break up, and seeking comfort in someone new is very OK. As long as you understand, and the person you are dating is also made to understand, that due to your recent break up, getting into a serious commitment is not permissible at this time. Date each new person no more than once a week, and date as many people as you can. One last dating tip: In the event that the person who left you does come back begging to reconcile, and in the event you want to give that person a chance, the only way to make it work for the long term is that you only date your ex again once a week to start off, and have your ex earn your trust, commitment and TIME all over again. They have to start at the bottom all over again just like any one new you are dating. If you simply pick up where you left off, all you are encouraging is for your re-partner to break up with you again and again when the fancy strikes. That is not love. That is just loopy. Frank Kermit  Stop talking about your ex Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex By Frank Kermit So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature. Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off. Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover. Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past. Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own. For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex. If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you. Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company. A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner). While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office. Frank Kermit  The Symbol of Your Ex When Your Ex Becomes a Symbol in Your Life By Frank Kermit We are surrounded by the power of symbols. A symbol is more than just a design we recognize; symbols are a means of making meaning. Whatever the symbol, or character-symbol, the purpose is to convey a meaning to an audience. Symbols have a way of reaching people. Whether it is the symbol of a dollar sign ($), horoscope Gemini sign, or colored ribbon remembrance, all symbols have the intent to carry on a meaning for the audience and if properly effective, a symbol leaves an emotional impact. The ribbon is not just a piece of material but a testament to those that may have died from, or survived, breast cancer. The Gemini sign is not some doodle on a paper, but a means to connect to energies unknown that can influence our life's journey. The dollar sign is not merely to describe the concept of money and value, but may also represent a symbol of hardship, connecting to a memory of when someone did not have enough money to afford the basics; just as that same symbol of the dollar sign may represent a reminder of the power of what you can earn to someone else. We do not just look at the Golden Arches. We making meaning of them and interpret deserving a break today, childhood, and singing about "two all-beef patties, special sauce, etc..." However the most powerful symbols are the ones that have some element of sentience to them...character symbols we recognize as people. From as far back as breakfast cereal commercials, we formed relationships with character symbols such as "Tony the Tiger", "Toucan Sam" and "Snap", "Crackle", "Pop". Where the Golden Arches reach their limits, "Ronald" can pick up the burger and carry it over the goal line to make the touchdown scoring an emotional impact. But what if the clown that has become a symbol in your life happens to be a relationship ex who has come to represent everything that is wrong with you? Have you ever struggled to get over an ex, even when you are the one that ended the relationship? Have you ever struggled to move on with your life, even though you know intellectually that your ex was completely wrong for you? Do you remember your ex and your relationship with your ex, as being so much better than it was, and can only be reminded of that fully when either an outside person points it out, or (gasp!) you rekindle with your ex and realize what a mistake you just made? Chances are that your ex has become a symbol for you. Turning an ex into a symbol is not that difficult a process. If you spend way too much time fantasizing about your ex, or more specifically, fantasizing about how great your life would have been with your ex, you are effectively turning your ex into a symbol. Your ex, the real one, is human. Your real ex is a human with all the positive and negative traits that make a person human. Your real ex is a human that is as flawed as dinged as the rest of us. However, the symbol of your ex is perfect. The symbol of your ex is superbly attractive, says all the right things, responds to your every communication exactly the way you need it. In this way, the symbol of your ex could represent how wonderfully perfect you wish your life could be and no amount of reality, including a new relationship partner, or even your real ex, could ever live up to that. If you feel any shame or guilt about the nature of your break up, the symbol of your ex could be something that continues to make you feel bad about yourself because the symbol of your ex could be a reminder of all the mistakes you think you made that caused you to feel the pain you are in during your heartbreak. At this point, the idea of reconciliation with your ex could be interpreted as the only way to correct the errors of your past and prove that you are forgivable. This of course does not pan out in the real world. If ever you do manage to get your ex back, even if you have healed that part of you that was in part responsible for the break up, your ex is still your ex. If you and your ex have both healed your broken parts, then you are essentially new people that may not be compatible. If only one of you has healed the broken parts, then the repeating behavior patterns of the other are still in effect and will take their toll on the relationship. No matter what anyone in the couple says...there are always two sides to every break up that each partner must accept responsibility for. When trying to get over an ex, an important step of the process is to acknowledge the differences between your ex as the imperfect human being (the real ex) verses the symbol of your ex who you likely and unfairly compare to every new potential love that comes into your life. You do have a choice. Accept the reality and move on, or stay stuck on the fantasy of the ex...who never actually existed. Frank Kermit  When your partner does not want to get serious To Commit or Not to Commit Do Not Be With Someone That Does Not Want To Be With You By Frank Kermit There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with. Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen. Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else. The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history. You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you. Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else. Frank Kermit  Make Relationships Less Violent Making Relationships Less Violent is Making the World Less Violent By Frank Kermit Are we a more violent society? With the headlines as of late, it could easily feel that way. Everything from gay-porn serial killers, to midnight movie jokers with guns, to Toronto house party gang wars, to football administrations turning a blind eye about the sexual abuse of players, to hate crime murders based on sexual orientation, to families who murder their own children under honor killings, to teenage bullies tormenting elderly bus monitors and the list goes on. One would wonder if we really are a society getting more violent and desensitized to violence. Then, a sober moment to reflect on history depicts another story. Violence is not a new phenomenon. Violence has been one of our companions in time. Romans fed Christians to the lions, women were tortured and killed for being accused of practicing witchcraft, and millions have died over time due to conflicts based on race, property conquests, religious crusades, slavery, and more. It is very easy for many to forget that not too long ago, even the concept of gender-equality and human rights were considered preposterous. If there is a circle of life, then alongside it is a circle of violence. People who act violent help insight others to act violent. Although human beings are to be held accountable for their individual behaviors, it is no secret that as a species, we are very influence-able creatures. Constant exposure to violence desensitizes us to violence. Each person has a choice of whether or not they will participate in the circle of violence. If a person does not have the choice in the matter, or control over a situation where violence takes place, there are in most cases a way to separate themselves from those situations. You may not control the person who abuses you at home, or you may not control the situation of the enablers in the house that are part of the problem of allowing the abuse to take place. However, with enough planning, and locating resources, you can work towards removing yourself from that household to get away from such a toxic environment instead of staying and hoping the violence will stop. Serial killers, movie theater murderers and even bullies on a school bus all have one thing in common at their core. They all attach no value to human life, especially those human lives they deem to be vulnerable. It does not matter if the person heads up an organized mass assault on civilians, or if the person secretly attacks and kills an unwanted homeless person, or if the person belittles a classmate over the Internet for being different. At their core, the same source for the different kinds of violence exists: the inability to value all human life equally. Do not think you are any better a person just because you only hit your spouse, or verbally insult your kids instead of walking into a shopping center with a weapon. It is not the degree of violence. It is the fact that you have chosen to be a part of the circle of violence at all. Maybe you are not the one that committed the greater acts of violence; but you are part of the violence culture that cultivated those same killers. When coaching individuals, and especially couples, the shock and surprise they experience when they discover that part of their routine squabbles are actually acts of violence to one another is often a first step to either full reconciliation, or the end of the relationship. Explaining to a man that using name calling in anger against his wife is an act of verbal abuse, takes him aback as he never thought of himself as an abuser; he just though of himself as angry. Explaining to a young woman that sending mixed signals to her boyfriend and constantly threatening to leave him for not reading her mind is emotional abuse, stuns her as she never thought of it as abuse; it is just the way she thought relationships were suppose to work. It is thought that most violence is gendered in that men are more physically abusive and that women are more emotionally abusive. A study that was lectured about at a Dr Steve Stosney Montreal seminar in 2010 mentioned that as regards gendered abuse, "girls are catching up" with the boys regarding rates of abuse. In my own practice, I find no correlation between gender and abuse. Both male and female sexual predators exist; both the mother and the father can be culpable of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence and neglect upon their children. Stories about their being the good gender and the bad gender in relationships, are comforting but often that is all they are: stories of comfort. We all have choices to make. We all can make mistakes, but mistakes or not, we all can make choices. If you have a problem with resulting to violence with your loved ones, there are programs available for anger management, competent physiotherapy, and compassion training programs. If the violent behavior is relative to using drugs and alcohol there are support groups to help with those challenges as well. What is your highest core value? Do you want to be a member of the circle of violence? You have a choice. If you want to help yourself get out of the habit of any violent behaviors you could be exhibiting, it is not just about your family and loved ones. It is about adopting a new way of living. At the core of adopting a non-violent way of life is holding a very highly regarded value for human life, specifically human beings that come across as vulnerable. This means if you feel like making an anonymous Internet attack through an online comment, where the sole purpose of your comment is to insult or hurt someone, you do not do it. This means that if you want to jump on the bandwagon to assassinate someone's character, in a situation that you know nothing about, you do not do it. This means that you do not make fun of any group of people for any reason including, but not limited to race, religion, body shape, intelligence, where those people commonly shop and so on. On the circle of violence there is very little distance between the bullies on the school bus, and the killers of the cinema. At their core, the same lack of value towards human life is the same. Only the degree of their unchecked violent actions is different. Next time you want to put someone down, whether your loved one or not, stop. Otherwise, you are part of the problem of violence in the world, not part of the solution to rid the world of violence through acceptance, compassion, education, tolerance and the many other tools we have to eliminate violence as an option. So do we live in a more violent society than ever before? I do not know. I do believe that we know more about ways to handle violent tendencies than ever before, and that is what I focus on as key to helping to make the world a better place. You have a choice. Frank Kermit  Finding Your Life Calling In Our Moments of Crisis, Is Our Life Calling By Frank Kermit Part of my work in helping people find and attract their soul mate match includes helping people find their life calling. Once a person knows what their calling in life is, it dictates their lifestyles, reflects their personal core values, and makes it much easier to figure out the kind of person they should seek out for a serious relationship. Finding their calling is about giving meaning to why they are alive. It is about discovering a purpose, and a means of contributing to the world. When a human being has found a purpose in life, there is a certain fulfillment that completes them; in ways they may not have known they were missing beforehand. Although finding their calling is not always necessary to structure a life plan (which is about planning your life from this moment, all the way to the moment of your death and telling your loved ones how you want your remains to be dealt with), it does make structuring a life plan much easier. Having that life plan in place helps individuals focus on the kinds of people they should be dating, and even helps you locate where you would most likely meet those potential life partners. For example, if you know that your life plan involves living in another country 6 months out of the year, then when seeking a life partner to support that lifestyle and travel with you, you must find someone that likes to travel, has no commitments that ties them down, and has the same value system you do. Finding your life calling, and creating a life plan detailing your day-to-day can be a daunting task. The first place that most people explore when seeking a life calling is to figure out what it is they like. That is one of the ways that a person can choose a job or career they may find fulfilling, but not always. In my practice, as well as through my personal experience, I have found that in our moments of personal crisis, we can find our deeper life calling. What we learn about ourselves, during our most traumatic moments, can also be the life lessons needed to direct us on the path of hearing the call of our life’s mission. Many philanthropists, great leaders, entrepreneur’s come from stories of pain that drive them to finding ways to change the world. At times, it could be something like an incident as a child of seeing other children at risk that pushes a person to become a police officer, family law advocate, or even a social worker. A person whose family once went hungry or ended up evicted may devote their life to teaching people how to live off the grid or enroll in the doomsday prep movement. Many years ago, I was stood up at my prom, lost my ex-fiancé to one of my then best friends, and later ended up near suicidal shortly after a further series of heartbreaks. In my attempts to heal my own wounds and learn some very tough life lessons about love, these traumatic events in my life, were in fact the building blocks for my practice as a dating and relationship coach. If you are struggling to figure out your life path, and want to do so in order to help you find your soul mate, look at the crisis in your life, and start asking yourself if you really have learned every lesson you needed to learn, in order to be able to contribute to the world. Once you have that answer, you are one step closer to finding your life mission AND your life partner. Frank Kermit  When your ex starts to date again When Your Ex Starts Dating Again By Frank Kermit Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience. At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing. With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again. When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you. After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners. On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new. That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate. After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date. Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view). At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it". This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment. All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up. Never play head games. One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate. If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them. Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you. There is no cheating because you ended the relationship. There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here. You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know. If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available. If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you. It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend. It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser. It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you. It does not mean you were betrayed. It does not mean you weren't loved. All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her. Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you? The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex. Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business. Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up. Frank Kermit  Mementos of the Ex: Stay or Go? The Ex Mementos: Should They Stay or Should They Go? By Frank Kermit I was listening to a radio show where the hosts were discussing a subject that I often see in my practice when counseling couples. The situation was that the host, who was newly married, had discovered that his wife was in the possession of a ring that had been given to her by an ex of hers. Some of the questions that came up in the discussion included if he should be worried about it, was it a sign she was not over her ex, should she have gotten rid of the ring when she got married, why he was not told about it, and if he should request that she get rid of it. Just to be clear, the ring was a gift when she and her ex were dating, but the ring itself was not an engagement ring of any sort. Keeping past gifts from ex partners can be a very touchy subject for some people. Some people do not care either way, as they do not read into those keepsake items as souvenirs or reminders of the past. While others may feel threatened about their partners having relics honoring a past love. What ends up being a bigger matter than most partners assume, is the issue of a partner feeling like something was hidden from him or her. When a partner finds out that that items in question may be a memorial to the past, the fact that the partner was not informed about the origins of the token of affection, can lead some partners to feeling suspicious about what other "secrets" are being kept hidden. In most related cases that I see in my practice, there is rarely anything that is maliciously hidden. It tends to have more to do with the fact that the topic of ex mementos just never came up. Resolving this particular issue can sometimes simply come down to whether or not the couple can enjoy the memento together. The line being drawn is whether or not they both get to enjoy the benefits of the memento. If they can, it seems most new partners do not seem to mind as much. For example, if the memento in question is a DVD of a movie, some new partners may not have a problem with it, even if it was a gift received in a previous relationship from an ex, as the new couple can enjoy the movie together. However, I also see in my practice that certain details associated with such gifts might make even the most open minded new partner and the most seemingly unsuspecting knickknack a relic that has got to go. For example, if that same particular DVD movie mentioned above was a particular favorite to play loudly to cover up the noises of intimacy in a previous less-than-soundproof-apartment, it could leave some friction with a new partner. It is those additional details that make ex mementos such a necessary topic of discussion, especially for new couples. There are different kinds of mementos that factor in greatly to whether or not it might be too much for a new partner to accept. For example, safety alarm key chains, and photos taken at family social circle gatherings are on a far different level than personal massage units and amateur homemade sex tapes. Some of the worst examples I see in my practice is that the mementos in question, are not necessarily from a past ex, but instead from an ex affair that took place at the time the current relationship existed. Although the nature of the actual gizmo may be different, the bottom-line constant consideration is always the same: your memento or your relationship? The debate is one where the couple is trying to strike a balance between trusting one another (that there are no emotional strings attached to a past partner), and respecting a boundary for each individual in the couple (not to be forced to give up property). The item may very well be a meaningless trophy of a love past, but if a new partner feels very violated by the retaining of the memento, a person may end up with a very uncomfortable decision. If something is truly meaningless, then it should be no problem to get rid of it. However, forcing a partner to get rid of it could create resentment between the couple (which is sad, given that if you are in a serious relationship, holding on to a meaningless mementos based on principle should not take priority over the violated feelings of your partner). In today's age of dating, the realistic perspective is that the person you date today, whether casually, or even seriously, are likely not going to be the person you end up with as a life partner. Given the stats on successful marriages can be about 50% it is more important than ever that we all pick and choose our battles accordingly. Deciding to keep or discard mementos is not as clear-cut as some would hope, given that the new partners you discard them for, may themselves get discarded sooner than later as well. What I do suggest is that people make an effort to align themselves in romantic relationships with others who have compatible beliefs about how mementos from exs need to be managed. Frank Kermit  Breaks Ups and the Children of Your Ex Breakups and the Children of your Ex By Frank Kermit Breakups can be messy, especially when there are children involved. If the break up involves the court system, they get worse. The rules can be pretty clear when the children belong to both parents in the couple breaking up. However, when the children involved only belong to one of the individuals of the relationship that is ending, it can be really heart-wrenching for some adults to find out they may not have any say in continuing a relationship with the children of a former partner. In cases where a single parent has started seriously dating another adult, the lines about what role that new adult can play in a child’s life can be very blurry, especially in cases where the relationship, although serious and long term, may never have involved marriage, and/or the adoption of the child by the new adult partner, or even the couple living together. However influential and a positive impact an adult in a relationship with a single parent may have had with the single parent’s child, it may not merit an ongoing association with that child when the romantic relationship ends. In the case where children are minors, the child’s parent (who is a newly-single parent again) may be well within their rights to forbid any sort of interaction between his or her child and the former partner. This can be a horrible situation for the former partner who may have bonded with the child, and for the child that could have an attachment to the former partner. It is important that the best interest of the children involved are kept in the forefront of any decision about how the couple will handle the end of their relationship and to factor in those best interests, even if you no longer like your former partner. With that said, it is also important to assess how worthwhile it will be for the children to continue to associate with a former partner that is no longer involved with the children’s parent, and the context of the break up. For example, if continuing to associate with the children would interfere with the single parent’s new relationship opportunity for a more serious partner that wants to step up to being a legal step parent, it may be wise to terminate the association. As most relationships between adults tend to not last a significant duration (relative to how a child experiences the time) it is often a good idea not to introduce new partners to your children until a definite commitment and plan has been made to take your serious long term relationship to the next level to the point where the new partner would take on a family role as a legal step parent. If you are a couple in the process of breaking up and there are children involved in your relationship that have bonded to the former partner, make sure that you and your former partner plan a proper exit strategy that takes into consideration how the former partner will or will not be involved in the lives of the children of the single parent because that extra dose of maturity is what is in the best interest of your children, your step children, and the children of your partner. Frank Kermit  Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children Prior Commitments vs. Commitment To Children By Frank Kermit Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience. It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with. The filter is to ask the question: Is this in the best interest of my kid/s? In some cases the answer is very straightforward. In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not. Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer. It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival. Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids. Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids. As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits. Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child. It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children. Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children. In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes. Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority. So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently. Bottom line is that the kids come first. For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments. On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment. For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me. I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future. There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up. However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not. Frank Kermit  Dating the Ex of Your Friend Dating Your Friend's EX By Frank Kermit A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend? Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging. Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship. With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend. First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex. That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person. In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs. This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed. However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals. Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship. Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning. Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends. There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information. With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating. Do you have to do it? No. Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee. Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly. However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma. If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this: If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours? At the very least, it is a starting point. |
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