Relationship Redemption:
Finding Closure and Self-Forgiveness By Frank Kermit We all make mistakes in life. If you have ever tried to get into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are recovering from a relationship, chances are about 100% you screwed up somewhere on something. If you are lucky, you have a partner (or ex-partner) that either has a lousy memory, or a partner that chooses not to remind you too often of the times you goofed. However, with all that said some mistakes are bigger than others. Insignificant mistakes can be corrected easily. But those mistakes that can detour the journey of your entire relationship, maybe even costing you the relationship itself, are a little harder to process. Even when your ex partner either forgives you, or just does not care anymore about your error that forced about the parting of your ways, people still need to do something to achieve a sense of peace with their pasts. People need to forgive themselves. And for some people, self-forgiveness is mission impossible. In fact, those people who more easily forgive others may struggle indefinitely to forgive themselves for a number of their relationships gaffs, both great and small. There is a real danger that this particular population may very well get into the bad habit of punishing themselves with self-sabotaging behaviors, which makes their circumstances even worse, causing even more acts of unforgiveable bad judgment, and the cycle continues until a person can be overrun with a horrible shame-and-guilt complex that forbids them from the capacity to function in an emotionally healthy relationship. For people who find exceptional struggle with forgiving-thy-self I have often found that the key to the ability to forgive yourself for the relationship faux-pas of your past is reaching a point when you can trust yourself, not to commit the same mistake again. Once you prove to yourself that you have new behavior patterns that would prevent you from ever making the same mistake again, some people find a divine compassion for themselves that they previously could not tap into. People, who repeat the same negative behavior patterns in relationships, will inevitably continue to do so, until they take an active role in learning new behavior patterns, and repeating those new behavior patterns, until those behavior patterns become unconscious habits. When it comes to unconscious habits in relationships, those new habits will foster into an intuition that will give the relationship seekers a sixth sense that will keep them away from bad relationship partners, and point them within the perimeters of potential premiere partners. Sometimes mistakes can include things like infidelity, wrong priorities, superimposing unrealistic expectations, committing too soon, losing their sense of self in a relationship, becoming too needy or dependant on their partner, acting out personal issues from childhood that have nothing to do with their current partner, or simply choosing the wrong people to date. All of these errors can be understandable in their unique contexts, but they can all destroy the best relationships that come into your life. When seeking help in relationships, a person tends to want to seek out ways to fix what they keep doing wrong that lands them to lose their relationship opportunities. Even when they learn what exactly they did wrong, and intellectually know what they need to do next, it is not until they go through a real life experience to process that new knowledge into action, that a person can start to feel confident that they will stop making those same mistakes again. Until that challenge is met, the certainty of their change-work is in question. However, once a person commits to a new behavior pattern such that, they have now reach a point where he or she can trust in themselves, to never make those same mistakes again; THAT is when a person can get to the point of self-forgiveness. In that moment of a newfound respect for self, is the RELATIONSHIP REDEMPTION that allows for even the most hurtful past of any relationship wound to find ultimate closure. In closure on our pasts, through the self-forgiveness of our own personal relationship redemption, we will find the beginning of our new chapter in the book of our life. Frank Kermit
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This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Are You A Partner or a Liability? By Frank Kermit "It's not you, it's me." Have you ever heard that said to you when someone broke up with you? Have you ever been the one to use it when dumping someone that was interested in you? Chances are, there may be some deep truth to it. A number of times, the reason relationships do not even get a chance at long term success is that people find all kinds of excuses to kill the momentum before anything seriously meaningful has the chance to bloom. There are a number of different motivations for this kind of relationship sabotage. Some of these may include unrealistic standards that a person may set up, which no other person could reasonably live up to. I often tell people, to their chagrin, that if their standards are actually higher than their social skills to attract that particular type of partner, then the issue is not trouble meeting compatible dates; the trouble is a deep and likely unacknowledged fear of intimacy. If you have a fear of intimacy, whether it is a fear of physical intimacy, or a fear of being open and emotionally vulnerable, or a combination of both, then it really is going to be -you-. You ARE the issue; not the fact that everyone you have dated was not good enough. Baggage. No matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced anyone is, everyone comes with baggage. Everyone has his or her emotional baggage of one kind or another. Having baggage is part of being human. I often find that those individuals who starkly claim to seek someone with absolutely no baggage, tend to be very much in denial of the baggage they themselves have in abundance. From the 50 year old confirmed bachelor who has never been married nor had kids afraid to make any sort of commitment, to the single mother of 3 teenagers from different fathers and everyone in between; I have likely heard them state clearly that they all want to meet someone that has no baggage. However, none of them that make such a statement ever appreciates the concept that others, who view them the same way, would never give them a chance either. Romance novels and movies might make allowances for ironic hypocrites in love and allow double standards to flourish. It does not work in the real world. The Ideal Dream Lover Exercise will tell it all. Here is something to try. Take a moment and write down a list of qualities that you think your REASONABLE ideal dream lover would have. What would that person value? What kind of day-to-day lifestyle would that person have? What would that person have already achieved before meeting you for the first time? List as many things as you can that you believe would be reasonable to expect from your dream lover to already be. By reasonable, I mean that you keep your expectations within a reasonable parameter. For example, it is a nice fantasy that your ideal dream lover may be a gold medal Olympic athlete AND a PhD in Anthropology AND also be an astronaut with space travel experience AND appeared as a regular guest star on a syndicated TV show AND also has no social issues whatsoever...sounds great, but based on nothing more than there are only 24 hours a day and any one of those accomplishments takes time and dedication that would sacrifice some or all of those other goals is what makes that list unreasonable. Once you are done with your ideal dream lover exercise, it is time to ask yourself a Frank question: Are you the kind of person that your ideal dream lover would date? Honestly? Chances are, that if your ideal dream lover existed, that dream lover would not want to date you, because you are not up to your dream lover standards. Your dream lover may in fact consider you to be a liability instead of a potential partner. This is where you get to begin closing the gap between the type of partner you would want, and who you are. If you know what kind of life partner you are seeking, then you have the gift of knowing your goal, and can adjust your own behavior patterns to become the kind of person who can build and support that life which would attract your ideal dream partner. If you are not sure what kind of partner your ideal dream lover would want, then you might want to strive to become your ideal dream lover. Whatever your lover would do, then you set out to do. Does your ideal dream lover go to the gym 4 times a week? Then get yourself there as well and work it. Does your ideal dream lover have the resources to own two vacation homes in other countries? Then get busy building your financial life so that you can also have such a lifestyle yourself. Before you give up because it sounds like too much work, I want to assure you that, yes; it is in fact a heck of a lot of work. That is the point. If you are not willing to put in the work, then you ARE the problem, and not everybody else. It really is you. Frank Kermit Check out my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Stop Wasting Time: The Resolution For Singles in the New Year By Frank Kermit Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start. However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes. If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words: Stop-Wasting-Time. Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply. You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important. There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things. That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it. For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again. If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time. Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new. If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time. Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur. If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person. Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills. If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time. Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection. Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time. Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster. This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again. Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time. Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better. Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love. They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them. For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them. However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work. Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away. You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Frank Kermit This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
The Meaning of your Relationships Starts With The Meaning Of Your Life By Frank Kermit Contemplate your death. No seriously. In order to make meanings of your relationships past, present and those you will have in the future, you must understand how to make meaning of your life. The way to start understanding the meaning of your life is to contemplate your death. Until you come to grips with the cold fact that your time in this life is finite, and that at some point, you and everyone you know will be dead, the meaning of your life may forever elude you. We cannot predict how and when we will die, but we do have a measure of control on how we choose to live day-to-day. It is not always easy to take action day-to-day making meaning of your life, especially if you have not decided on the end goal. The end goal of course is not to plan your death, nor is it to hope to live forever. The end goal is to have lived your life with the meanings you have assigned to it during the earlier stages of your life. Envision the epitaph on your gravesite. What does it say? Great parent and spouse? Beloved Companion? A friend to everyone? Of the biggest heart? Forever remembered? In making the decision of your epitaph, you are in fact setting the goal for how you will live your life. It is the motivation source to make certain that many of your day-to-day actions reflect the way you want to be remembered. Next step is to consider what you would want stated in your eulogy. Whatever it is that you want mentioned in your eulogy is synonymous with your life’s goals. The benefit of thinking about it today, is that you have the rest of your life to ensure that you live up to that eulogy. One of the more fun exercises to find the meaning of your life is to contemplate the movie of your life. What would be the title of the movie? What part of your life would be presented in the film script? What songs and music will make up the sound track? What is your story arch, and how did you turn out at the end of your hero’s journey? What actor would play you? (Personally, I always thought that actor Jack Black would make a great Frank Kermit). The movie of your life is about the core of your life story. In imagining your movie, you find how you want your story to unfold. Some people have a hard time trying to pinpoint these elements, as they have never thought about their impending deaths in the ways I describe. For those people, I also suggest other writing exercises. These include to make a list of the most influential books and songs in your life, a list of the people and characters you most admire and why, a list of your most important base life philosophies, and a list of ways you would like to see the world change. These lists are designed to help to identify and acknowledge your core values and to help you decide what actions you can take day-to-day to follow through. Most people do already have an idea of what is really important to them, but as human beings are, a little reminder in the form of a writing exercise can be just what is required to act on those important values. So, how can a person use any of this information to make meanings of relationships? Relationships can be our teachers. Relationships teach people about their core values, what they can and cannot handle, and also help people develop and grow as individuals. With each relationship you experience, you learn more about yourself, how your life is, and you can pick out areas of your life that need more attention. If you want to be remembered as a good provider, do your current relationships reflect that? If you claim to be a person that values forgiveness, do your relationships behaviors reflect that? If you believe that protecting your children from potential harm is your highest calling, do you reflect that in the relationships you tolerate? If you claim to admire a character known for being a great lover, do your relationship skills reflect that? If you answer “no” to any of those testing statements, you have found out where you need to start developing a meaning for the relationships you are involved in, so that all your relationships reflect your core being. There is no room for personal hypocrisies in finding ultimate peace and happiness. Sometimes the only meaning you may find in a past or present relationship is to teach you what a mistake you are capable of making and you making meaning by learning the lesson you need to learn in order not to make that same (relationship) error again. Sometimes we choose the meanings of our lives, and sometimes those meanings choose us. Some of us have a calling in life, such that regardless of what we pursue, life has other plans for us. There is meaning in that too. Even when life has other plans in store for you, you still have a choice. You can fight it, or you can embrace it. To check out more on my coaching workbooks, visit I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Relationship Goal Setting
By Frank Kermit This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Setting goals in most areas of your life can be challenging. When it comes to relationships, there are even more challenges. Whereas in other areas of your life such as education, employment, and even some areas of betterment of health, there are a number of areas that are fully within your control, and a huge range of support systems in place. For example, if you want to get a certain degree, those educational institutions that offer such a degree will forward you information about what is necessary to get into the program, and there are some loan and bursaries programs designed to help manage the costs of tuition. You control which schools you apply to, how quickly you adhere to the application process, and making arrangements so that you will have the time and the finances to support yourself while studying. Those are some of the things you are in control of. But like any goal setting process, there are elements that you do not control. Using the same example, you can do everything exceptionally well, but you still might not get in to your program of choice at the schools of your choosing. You control everything within your power of influence to make something happen, except mainly for the final outcome. That is one area that you cannot control what happens. All you can do is manage how you can best react to what happens. When setting goals as they relate to your relationships, it can be even trickier than in other areas of your life, because whereas in other areas of your life, a desired goal is something a little more quantifiable (maybe a LOT more quantifiable) using a pre-determined set of circumstances, in your relationships you are dealing with a real human being. Using the previous example, there are very specific things that are measurable for someone to accomplish in order to get accepted into an education program, and if the applicant is open to applying to various schools, and continues to do so year after year, learning how to improve their candidacy based on previous rejections (if any), then it is likely that some program, at some point will accept the applicant. For some, it is an easier process, but for others it can take a few attempts to get in. But what makes this process easier than goal setting for relationships is that the requirements are limited (a handful of documents and letters), specific (previous education considerations), and measurable (work or volunteering experience). It is not so with relationships. As I teach it, even at your best, you are still only 50% of a relationship and the other 50% is YOUR ability to choose the right partner. It is not enough to be a great partner; you also have to align yourself with another great partner to make a relationship work. If you are looking to set some relationship goals, here are some tips: 1-Goals need a deadline: A deadline helps a person focus in on a goal. For example, setting a wedding date, or an age that you would like to already be married and having started a family by may help a person focus on growing up and choosing more suitable long term partners to date. 2-Goals need to be realistic: Realistically you cannot expect to be a lawyer in 6 months when you only have a high school diploma. Most professional orders and licensing boards have requirements such as a minimum of a three-year university bachelor degree. Your wishing to bypass it is not realistic. The same holds true on your relationship goals. If part of your goals is to learn to be more social, savvy and emotionally healthy, it will likely take more than a few minutes of your time once in a while, to make that kind of deep change a permanent repeating behavior pattern. If your standards are much higher than your ability to attract such a higher-standards partner, you are not being realistic for what is within your scope. 3-Goals need to be related to your absolutes: Your preferences come and go, but your absolutes reflect your boundaries and values, and your goals must be in line with those. If you do not know the difference between your preference and your absolutes, then one of your first goals is to get that figured out. 4-Goals and Hope: There is no guarantee that you will achieve your goal. There may be factors beyond your control that you may not be aware of. For example, you could attempt to engage someone into a romantic relationship and not be aware that the person you are targeting simply has no capacity to be involved with anyone for reasons that would be too personal to share. That person might have an STI, or an abusive background related to intimacy, or on a path of personal healing that would negate that person from being open to any kind of romantic connections at this time. It is important though that you never give up hope that you WILL meet someone and find love. Even if you learn every relationship management skill in the book (This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.), it is all for not, if you do not at least carry the HOPE, that a loving relationship is within your grasp. It can also sometimes be very difficult to stay motivated to keep going after your relationship goals; especially if a person has a lot of bad relationship experience. One of the ways to help you stay motivated is to make a list of all the potential pain you will have if you do NOT achieve your relationship goals, and all of the potential pleasures you will have if you DO achieve your relationship goals. For some people, having a list like that (a constant reminder) of what they stand to gain or lose, can be enough to stay dedicated through the rough roads as they are in the middle of crossing that emotional trench called the canyon of pain. What's your motivation? This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Frank Kermit This is an excerpt of an passage from my books:
I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) How To Deal With Toxic People By Frank Kermit Toxic people are defined in this article as people who lack the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for toxic people is the lowest category that exists. That is because when you identify someone as being a toxic individual, you do not invest any further time in dealing with that person, or at least any more time than you absolutely have to. When you encounter a toxic person in your life, and if you can completely cut that person out, then it is best do to so. When cutting someone out of your life, there are consequences, just like with every other decision you make in life. As Robert Ringer teaches, you choose your actions, but not the consequences of those actions. Be sure that you do not end up suffering more for getting rid of someone, than if you tolerated them. For example, if you work in an environment with a toxic co-worker, you may not be able to cut that person out of your life without quitting the job. However, the consequences of quitting your job may be worse than simply tolerating your co-worker, especially if you only have to deal with that co-worker in a limited capacity or if you are already looking for another job. When it comes to family, the same rules apply. If you cut out a member of your family for treating you in a toxic manner, you will have to deal with consequences that you may not have anticipated such as having other family members cut you out because they sided with that relative. For example, in some cases, a cousin may boycott you when that relative is present, but that same cousin may happily engage in communicating with you when that other relative is not around. Are you prepared for the consequences? Also, when it comes to toxic family members, keep in mind that the issue of having to interact with them after cutting them from your life, at functions such as weddings, funerals, and other events may be something you will have to deal with. In some cases, you may end up having to skip those weddings, funerals and other events. Are you prepared for the consequences? It is important to understand the difference between a good person who is acting in a toxic manner as a result of a bad day, or particularly challenging situation, and someone who lacks the capacity to reason with you on a consistent basis. In the case of a good person acting badly, take a pause, and show compassion. It will bring you and that person back to the level you originally connected on. If it is a matter that you are dealing with a consistently toxic person, there is no trying to reconcile or reason with that person. Just like a drug addict on a high, the ability for rational thought simply cannot cope with the state of intoxication. There is no point in even trying to figure out why a person is toxic, or just acts toxic with you. You will never get a satisfying answer, because by the very nature of being toxic, a toxic person is unable to explain such a reason. The best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all. Buy these books now: I'm A Woman, It's My Time (The Coaching Workbook for Women) and I'm A Man, That's My Job (The Coaching Workbook for Men) Frank Kermit With the holidays upon us, office holiday parties are underway. It is a time to be a little more social with the people you work with, in an atmosphere that is a little less work intensive. It can be a time to get to know your co-workers more personally, and employees at all levels of the organization can come together to share a little cheer. And what could be wrong with that? For the most part, it is a great idea. Some companies offer employees the chance to enjoy an afternoon off of work to intermingle during work hours (usually on work premises). Other companies want all employees to return to the job site in the evening, or they reserve a space at a local restaurant or other such venue. It is a nice gesture on behalf of the employer. However, whether you are single, dating someone very new, or in a serious relationship there are certain holiday office part etiquettes to adhere to. They all revolve around one key principle: You Are Still At Work. For everyone: Do not get drunk. Just because it is an open bar does not mean you have an excuse to over-indulge. “Free” does not mean drinking to the point that you cannot walk straight. Know your limit, or just refuse to drink alcohol. You will have to work with these people the rest of the year. An embarrassing drunken incident could be held against you. With that said about alcohol, keep in mind that it is the season for colds and infections. Keep that in mind if you are taking an anti-biotic or other medication. Some medications react with alcohol. Remember you are still at work. Leaving early is OK. If the holiday office party is taking place outside of normal work hours, it is OK to leave early. Not everyone has the same resources available, and if you are dependent on public transit, or you can only afford your babysitter for so long, or if you simply are not the kind of person that celebrates the holidays and want to leave before things get too uncomfortable for you, there is nothing wrong with excusing yourself early. Although some employers may push for you to stay out later than you can, it is up to you to do what is best for you and find a balance between your obligations to your employers and having your other needs met. For singles: Do not look at a holiday office party as an opportunity to get closer to someone that you are interested in at the office. An office holiday party is not a time to make a pass at anyone, nor should you aim to have a make out session in the corner at last call. This is not just another night out with your friends. Remember you are still at work Do not dress up like you are trying to score at a club. You are not there to bring in the New Year in with a kiss with one of your co-workers. Dress like you would for the office, or just a step above. This is not time to highlight your sex appeal. Remember you are still at work. For those just starting to date someone new: If you have just started to date someone new during, or right before, the holidays, it is not a good idea to bring your newest partner to any office holiday parties. The newer you are as a couple, the less ideal it is to bring your new partner to holiday office parties. You really may not be able to predict how your date will interact and react to your co-workers. Your co-workers may share information about you to your date that you have not yet shared which could make for an uncomfortable situation. Depending how newly you have started dating, your date could end up flirting with and going home with one of your co-workers (I have heard stories about it happening in my coaching practice). Keep this separate. Do not bring a new date just to show off to your co-workers, as this isn’t a juvenile social contest. Remember you are still at work. For those in serious relationships: Some offices try to involve the long-term life partners and spouses to office parties for various reasons (some of which may be to try to dissuade employees from fraternizing in ways that would be too inappropriate for the work place). If your office party is inviting partners and spouses, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. If there is a co-worker that is toxic, make sure your spouse knows who it is, so that the toxic co-worker does not try to get information from your spouse to use against you. If there is a co-worker that has made advances towards you that you have rejected, talk to your spouse ahead of time to make sure you both can handle any potential awkwardness with maturity. Depending on the career, how a spouse can support a person’s career social environment could be a major factor in the motivation to get into a serious relationship. Office holiday parties are a good example of why you both need to be on the same page. Remember you are still at work. At best, a holiday office party can be a good memory of sharing joy with the people you work with. If you can’t manage that, at least make it something memorable enough for the right reasons. If you can’t manage that, then attempt to avoid making it memorable for all the wrong reasons. If you can’t manage that, you might be exploring your options in the New Year while on employment insurance. Happy Holidays! Remember you are still at work. Frank Kermit How Much Should You Care About What Other People Think?
By Frank Kermit There will be times when we want to do something in our lives that is meaningful to us. It could be a decision related to abandoning education, what career path to choose, what kind of person to date, changing something major in how we live, or even a new life experience to experiment with to see if it is for you. Each option that you consider can unto itself be overwhelming. However, if it is something that may have the consequence that others may not like you for doing it, it can make an overwhelming option a near impossible decision. With each new choice we make, there will be benefits and consequences. The benefits are usually easier to identify than the consequences. The one alarming factor in your internal debate is the fact that you do not actually control the consequences of your actions. However, when we believe that one of the consequences of our actions may be lack of approval from people, it can make going for what you want a harder decision. If what other people think of you is very important to you, it is likely going to be a huge factor in your decision making process. Sometimes, that can be a good thing, but it is not always as important as people think. Over the course of your life, it is YOU, and not anyone else that will bare the major burden of any decision you make. If you are going to take into account the opinions of others, it is important to keep in mind exactly how effective those "others" are in the ongoing process of your life. There are times when caring about what others think has incredibly good side effects. A teenager, who chooses not to experiment with drugs and avoids the whole drug culture because she worries about how her parents may disapprove, helps keep her safe. That is a good side effect. Caring about what your boss thinks about your conduct both in and out of the office is often necessary as it can have an impact on your ability to be promoted, and increase your earning potential. Not all approval seeking behaviors and decision-making is bad. When the negatives in your life outweigh the positives because you are caring about what others think, and put their approval ahead of your own happiness, that is when you are caring way too much. One of the lessons I teach people who are struggling with pursuing relationship goals is how to balance when to worry about what other people think, and when to just follow through on your interests. People tend to have more regrets about the things they did not do, or at least try, than to regret the things they did do and try, even if they failed at it. When you are trying to judge if you should care about what someone thinks; when you are trying to decide if you should go for it or not, you must ascertain whether or not their opinion actually has any legitimate and actually harmful consequences for you. Does the person in question have the power to ruin the quality of your life in a significant way? If the answer is no, then really, who cares what they think? If the answer is yes, then you have a choice to make to judge if the consequences would outweigh the benefits. For example: you want to drop out of college and start your own business. You have talked about this plan and a number of people think you are crazy, while others support the decision even if they do not agree, and still a few love the idea. All of this is in fact meaningless. The focus has to be on what are the consequences of this decision. If your parents are paying for your education and have told you that if you drop out they will no longer support you and that you would be financially on your own and have to move out of their basement, THAT is one of the consequences that needs to factor into your decision more than others. Are you ready to completely live on your own and support yourself while you pursue this new path? Not sure? In this case caring about what "they" think is important. Also note that if the handful of people who thought it was a great idea for you to pursue, but aren't actually going to help you, or support you in pursuing that dream, then their opinion is worthless. It does not matter if they think it is a good idea. As they are not offering any support for your cause either way, what they think is not something you ever need to care about. That is a key understanding many people miss out on. The idea that liking your idea without actually taking action to support you is as useless to care about as someone hating your idea but not doing anything to stop you from trying it. What about dating and relationships? What about sex? If you want to date someone that some of your friends and family thinks is a bad idea, what should you do? If you want to have sex in a way that you would be stigmatized for, what do you do? You balance the benefits and consequences, including how you will be able to live with yourself long term if you do not even try. It is this one element that can be the most devastating. In the short term it is easy to give up some pleasure in your life in order to keep the peace with the people you care about. However, in the long term, living for others and being self-sacrificing does not necessarily grant peace nor happiness. It is more likely to lead to a life of unfulfilled dreams and an abundance of resentment. There will be a consequence no matter what you do. There is ALWAYS a trade off. That is the way of life. There is no one direction that does not have some kind of bad string attached. It is about choosing the paths that have the bad strings you are able to live with. If you have sex when you want to, with who you want to, you will experience one of the great pleasures life has to offer, but you may also acquire the scorn of people who disapprove calling her a slut or him a sleaze. If you choose not to have sex to please those people, you are limiting some of the life experience and life lessons that comes from experience, which may be something you regret not doing down the road. Will it be comforting for you that you cared what others thought when you hit your mid-life crisis regretting all the things you missed out on? Only you can answer that truthfully. If you choose to go after your dreams there will be people who will HATE you for doing it if you succeed, and will HATE you if you fail; and there will always be consequences to just having dreams no matter what they are. Should you still have and go after your dreams? If you have relationships with individuals that some of your family and friends can not stand, you will have to deal with possibly being cut off from them and others you love that may be caught in the middle (like a younger relative that must obey their parents that no longer approve of you). However, you may very well have the main relationship partner of your life that addresses your most important emotional needs better than your friends and family ever could. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Then again, you could forget that potential partner and only date someone your friends and family do approve of that may or may not completely fulfill you. If you do, and given you keep your friends and family connections intact, it could seem like an acceptable trade off. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that truthfully. Or since you can't be with whom you really want, and you don't want to be with anyone else, you could just end up alone for the rest of your life. That way no one is happy, but no one is hurting...except for you. By putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, you ARE hurting. It is just that it is not always easy to detect when you are being hurt since you are not in the habit of looking after your own needs. (Ouch, those a-ha moments sting don't they?) Whether "they" are strangers on the Internet who have nothing better to do than to troll your efforts and post negative comments, or if "they" are people that actually have the power to affect your ability to provide for yourself, the process is the same. Judge if the consequences are actually worth what you are getting for it. Over the course of time, your consequences change for certain decisions you make for yourself. The consequences of being an uneducated 19 year old, in a closed social circle, who is dependent on parents to survive is very different from the consequences you would have to deal with as an independent 35 year old adult, who owns a business, and does not care about breaking ties with close friends and family. So do keep in mind that how much you have to care about what others think will change over your lifespan, as your dependency on others change. One thing is for sure though. No matter what decision you take, YOU are still the one person that has to live with the full consequences of every decision you do make, and that you don't make, regardless if you cared about what other people think or not. Frank Kermit Re-Establishing Trust in a Relationship
By Frank Kermit Trust is one of the most important components of a relationship. Love is a great start, but it takes more than loving someone, or being loved by someone, to make a relationship work. But what happens when the trust in a relationship has been broken? Re-establishing trust can be a lengthy process. Depending on what area of trust was violated, and what a person's emotional expectations were, it is reasonable to expect that proving trustworthiness again may take a long time. One of the biggest misconceptions is that re-establishing trust happens over time. Although there is a correlation between re-establishing trust and the time that it takes, it does not mean that time alone is enough to fix the lack of trust that may exist in a relationship. What does help re-establish trust is being able to identify what the source of the break of trust is (i.e. a lie), and then coming to terms with what has to change so that particular breech of trust (i.e the same kind of lie) does not, and cannot, happen again. It is the evidence that new behavior patterns are in place so that the violation of trust is unable to occur again that will help re-establish trust. And THAT is what takes time. For example, an act of infidelity is a breech of trust. The first step is to find out what the circumstances were that brought on the infidelity. Was it an act of revenge on a partner? Was it an attraction from work that went unchecked during unsupervised overtime? Was alcohol involved thus lowering inhibitions? Was there a lack of sexual intimacy at home, which left a touch-starved partner to seek it elsewhere? In order for the couple to re-establish trust again, a behavior has to change so that, whatever it was that may have contributed or prompted the violation of trust has been removed. As they relate to the examples above, these actions could include replace a desire for revenge with compassion training, finding a new place of employment, eliminate drinking alcohol during social outings, or going to couples counseling to enhance sexual intimacy. That is what takes time. It is showing that the new behaviors have taken affect and that they have become new unconscious habits. As soon as that is proven through actions, THAT is when trust can be earned again. But what if it does not change? What if the new behavior (for example, changing employment) does not change your partner's cheating ways? At that point you have two options. One option is to see if the wrong source of the violation was identified, and to try a different source, and new combative behaviors. The other option is to change your expectations if such changes would be within your personal value system. Changing expectations is not easy. It means to learn to accept something that you previously were raging against. Some people find peace with changing their expectations and accepting a situation. It can actually be empowering for some people, because instead of raging against the issue and trying to change their partner, they accept it as part of being with their partner. However this does not always work long term. Usually, a person sets a boundary of expectation based on what they value, and trying to change that expectation means having to also re-evaluate their value system. Lastly, there is one final key element to consider. There are those people that have major trust issues in general. This means that if their trust is violated once, then even in the face of evidence that a new change has occurred and proof that their partner will not violate that particular trust again, these people are unable to let go of the violation. Being in a relationship means you WILL get hurt, and that your partner WILL make mistakes. If you are a person that has major trust issues, it is unlikely that the level of trust you will need in a relationship will ever be addressed, because over the course of a long-term relationship, your trust in your partner will be let down. Human beings are an imperfect lot. Your partner is going to goof, like forgetting to pick up those tickets to that special event you have been planning for 3 months. If you have such major trust issues that a situation of forgetting tickets will be met with that same reactions as an act of infidelity, then you will likely sabotage every good relationship that comes your way. Ironically, the only person that someone with major trust issues can date for any length of time is a compulsive lair who can artistically hide every small goof of trust he or she makes. Bottom line is that trust is an absolute requirement to make a long-term relationship work. If you do not have trust, you cannot have a relationship. At best, a relationship without trust is just a distraction from the rest of your life. That is escapism, not love. Frank Kermit The Scripts that Keep You Single
By Frank Kermit In some people, there is a script. The script is the story they have concocted about how they will meet that special someone and fall in love. Some scripts are more detailed than others covering specific lines that need to be said, or a certain situation that needs to be acted out, to make the scene perfect. Other scripts are a little more basic, drawing from archetype romantic story arcs, of candlelit dinners and moonlit walks. Whether the script is an elaborate five star production, or a simple outline of bullet points, there is one common element when I work with singles on their scripts. That common element is that many of the scripts that singles are following, are in part, the reason those individuals still remain single. One of the clearest examples of the script at work is when a single person contemplates new ways of meeting people. Each time a single person refutes a means to locate a potential life partner, because it doesn’t fit in with the way he or she imaged it occurring, they are deferring to the script that does not serve them. This includes when singles reject means such as blind dates, online dating, speed dating, match making, dating apps or dating a friend, because they are holding out to meet someone through serendipity and a fantasy fulfilling fairy tale; their make-believe script is actually killing their dreams of achieving a chart topping love story. What tends to turn people away from new ways of meeting potential life partners isn’t the technology, the taboo stigmas, or the potential dangers of meeting strangers. It is the fact that new ways of meeting people does not follow the scripts they have inside about the way it was SUPPOSE-TO-BE. This is an example of what is meant with the saying of “People Getting In Their Own Way”. There are also those times when a person’s script (the story of how the rest of their lives plays out) is downright damaging. Such as the single mother who refuses to believe that any man could be sexually faithful. Since she is already convinced that the story of her life is to continually be cheated on, chances are she will (likely unconsciously) enact certain choices of the men she dates to help make that script a reality. Or the man whose scripts insists that no woman would ever marry him for any reasons other than his bank account, would likely live out that script by only focusing on materialistic women to date, and (likely unconsciously) ignore or be turned off by the women that would actually be able to fall in love with his character. If you find yourself a struggling single, and are looking for ways to expand your horizons, then it is important to look at the synopsis of the script inside you and re-write the scripts that are working against you on the stage of life. Frank Kermit |
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