This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Are You A Partner or a Liability?
By Frank Kermit
"It's not you, it's me." Have you ever heard that said to you when someone broke up with you? Have you ever been the one to use it when dumping someone that was interested in you? Chances are, there may be some deep truth to it.
A number of times, the reason relationships do not even get a chance at long term success is that people find all kinds of excuses to kill the momentum before anything seriously meaningful has the chance to bloom. There are a number of different motivations for this kind of relationship sabotage. Some of these may include unrealistic standards that a person may set up, which no other person could reasonably live up to.
I often tell people, to their chagrin, that if their standards are actually higher than their social skills to attract that particular type of partner, then the issue is not trouble meeting compatible dates; the trouble is a deep and likely unacknowledged fear of intimacy.
If you have a fear of intimacy, whether it is a fear of physical intimacy, or a fear of being open and emotionally vulnerable, or a combination of both, then it really is going to be -you-. You ARE the issue; not the fact that everyone you have dated was not good enough.
Baggage. No matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced anyone is, everyone comes with baggage. Everyone has his or her emotional baggage of one kind or another. Having baggage is part of being human. I often find that those individuals who starkly claim to seek someone with absolutely no baggage, tend to be very much in denial of the baggage they themselves have in abundance.
From the 50 year old confirmed bachelor who has never been married nor had kids afraid to make any sort of commitment, to the single mother of 3 teenagers from different fathers and everyone in between; I have likely heard them state clearly that they all want to meet someone that has no baggage.
However, none of them that make such a statement ever appreciates the concept that others, who view them the same way, would never give them a chance either. Romance novels and movies might make allowances for ironic hypocrites in love and allow double standards to flourish. It does not work in the real world.
The Ideal Dream Lover Exercise will tell it all. Here is something to try. Take a moment and write down a list of qualities that you think your REASONABLE ideal dream lover would have. What would that person value? What kind of day-to-day lifestyle would that person have? What would that person have already achieved before meeting you for the first time? List as many things as you can that you believe would be reasonable to expect from your dream lover to already be.
By reasonable, I mean that you keep your expectations within a reasonable parameter. For example, it is a nice fantasy that your ideal dream lover may be a gold medal Olympic athlete AND a PhD in Anthropology AND also be an astronaut with space travel experience AND appeared as a regular guest star on a syndicated TV show AND also has no social issues whatsoever...sounds great, but based on nothing more than there are only 24 hours a day and any one of those accomplishments takes time and dedication that would sacrifice some or all of those other goals is what makes that list unreasonable.
Once you are done with your ideal dream lover exercise, it is time to ask yourself a Frank question: Are you the kind of person that your ideal dream lover would date? Honestly? Chances are, that if your ideal dream lover existed, that dream lover would not want to date you, because you are not up to your dream lover standards. Your dream lover may in fact consider you to be a liability instead of a potential partner.
This is where you get to begin closing the gap between the type of partner you would want, and who you are. If you know what kind of life partner you are seeking, then you have the gift of knowing your goal, and can adjust your own behavior patterns to become the kind of person who can build and support that life which would attract your ideal dream partner.
If you are not sure what kind of partner your ideal dream lover would want, then you might want to strive to become your ideal dream lover. Whatever your lover would do, then you set out to do. Does your ideal dream lover go to the gym 4 times a week? Then get yourself there as well and work it. Does your ideal dream lover have the resources to own two vacation homes in other countries? Then get busy building your financial life so that you can also have such a lifestyle yourself.
Before you give up because it sounds like too much work, I want to assure you that, yes; it is in fact a heck of a lot of work. That is the point. If you are not willing to put in the work, then you ARE the problem, and not everybody else. It really is you.
Check out my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes