Dating Your Ex
By Frank Kermit Anybody who has ever been in love, has at some point, thought about dating an ex. It is certainly easier to date an ex you have history with, than to date new people and have to face all the awkwardness that comes with having new romantic experiences with a new person for the first time. With an ex, it is “been there, done there”, and it is easier to get comfortable again really fast. As a mentor of mine used to tell me, when you break up from the warm comfortable embrace of a familiar relationship, and enter the Realm of Singledom, people find out very quickly that it is cold out there, and all those things that annoyed you about your ex, don’t seem to be as bad as you thought anymore. We all have to be careful with that kind of thinking. It’s a trap. It is important that we all remember that someone is an ex for a reason. There was something about the two of you that did not work. That is why you ended up as an ex. With that said, there are times when it can work when dating an ex. Some people make the effort to work it out because they have children together, and are highly motivated to find some means of compromise. Others come to better appreciate what an ex had to offer, but only after experiencing less than pleasant dating experiences with others. For example, a partner that bored you might be someone you better appreciate after dating someone more exciting who also really ruined your life. It is unfortunate that it may require a horrible experience to make people realize how good they had it. Yet, even if your ex was the best relationship you ever had, that still does not mean you should go back and attempt to date an ex, because it still is likely not to work out. The key to know if you should date an ex again is to be able to discern exactly what it was that broke the two of you up, and whether or not that particular issue still exists. For example, if the only reason you and your ex broke up was because one of your families disapproved of the others partner choice, then getting back together will not work out, unless the person who was unduly influence by family has changed and set boundaries with family to never let the family have any influence ever again on any major decisions involving life choices. If the thing that broke you and your ex up has not been changed or resolved, the two of you are likely to keep breaking up again. It is OK to still love an ex; it really is. We are human, and are emotions are what they are. Just because you have proven to be romantically incompatible does not mean you automatically shut your feelings off for a person. However, how you feel about a person is simply not enough to make a long-term relationship work. It is one of the saddest lessons of self-awareness. If you are stuck on an ex, and want to be able to move on and find new love with new people, check out and sign up for an hour of Frank Coaching
0 Comments
This is a contributed post. You did the unthinkable. You betrayed your partner and embarked on an affair. In the beginning, it was exciting and made you feel alive again. But over time it just felt sordid, and eventually, your partner found out. They are devastated, and your relationship is shattered. You realize your mistake and just want to make things right again. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship after an affair?
The simple answer to this question is yes. It is possible, and some couples do survive betrayal. However, it is a long and difficult process, and not all relationships make it. Rebuilding Trust Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Relationships rely on trust, and when this is broken, it’s as though the foundation has shifted. Each partner must address the issues that led to the betrayal and work through them. This can be difficult to navigate alone as it brings up many uncomfortable feelings. To ensure that communications don’t break down, couples therapy can help. It allows each partner to share their feelings and their place in the relationship in a safe environment. This is an opportunity for both partners to look at their role in the relationship, how they relate to one another, and to understand how the other is feeling. Often this begins with some inner soul-searching and exploring whether they are able to commit to the relationship again and make the necessary changes. For the partner who has embarked on the affair, they must understand that this will not be a quick process. They must prove their fidelity and trustworthiness to their partner over and over again. Taking Responsibility During the process of rebuilding, each partner must take responsibility for their own behavior. The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, understand the reasons that this came about, and admit their wrongdoing. They must be certain that this will not occur again and take steps with their partner to change the circumstances which led to the affair. Reassure After an affair, the wronged partner is likely to feel vulnerable and insecure. They may not admit to this and may show it through anger and rejection. Therefore, their partner must take steps to reassure them. This is something they will have to do for some time. In addition, any new promises that are made must be kept. So it is important to be absolutely clear about this. Don’t promise anything you’re unlikely to keep. Cheating Doesn’t Have To Result In A Breakup Cheating doesn’t always end a marriage or relationship. It is possible to work through things and emerge stronger than before. However, it takes hard work and a serious commitment from both parties. It also takes a certain amount of resilience to believe that as a couple you are strong enough to weather this. There will be difficult patches, and it certainly won’t be plain sailing. But, if you can hold on and work together, you may find that a new relationship is created; one that is built on a greater understanding of each other and results in a renewed sense of trust. Be The Light You Seek in Life
By Frank Kermit There are times when the world around us seems too chaotic, too violent and just does not make sense. It is too easy to become disillusioned with people in general, and the natural reaction to lash out at something, or some one, or some group of people can feel very justified in the moments we are emotionally compromised. In those moments where, we are scared, we feel violated, and we do not feel safe, anger can take over and cause people to act in violent ways against the people they target. However, the people being targeted tend to be innocent of any incident, because they are being attacked as symbols of threats, and not the ones who actually threatened anyone. To anyone reading this that has been affected in any way by the violence and crisis covered in mainstream media I implore you to pause for just one moment before taking any actions into your own hands. Yes, it is important to take actions to protect yourself and to protect your loved ones. It is also just as important, that you do not become, in that moment, exactly the type of person you are raging against: A person who is acting out of maliciousness and irrational sentiment in the name of a higher cause. If you give in to that violent impulse, you are just perpetuating the cycle of violence that leaves no safe places for our future decedents. If you want to change the world, and make the world a better place, the most powerful place is to start with your own heart. Do not just seek better behavior from the people in positions of power. Seek within to create that destiny. Be the light that you seek in the world. Be the example of how others should treat one another by treating others with the same kindness and compassion you wish others would display as well. Making the world a better place starts with you showing other how, by the way you make choices for your own life. Do you believe the world lies too much? Be the example of how to share the truth. Do you believe the world cheats too much? Be the example of how to practice ethical openness. Do you believe the world fights too much? Be the example of trying more diplomatic efforts to resolve conflicts. Do you believe the world is too indifferent to suffering? Be the example of compassion you think the world needs. Human beings are creatures of influence. You have the power to influence others through your actions. A new year is coming. You can make it a good one. When The Ex is Hard To Forget World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart By Frank Kermit When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold. If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to. 1. Create new memories If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex. 2. No bad mouthing the ex Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love. 3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been “But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship. The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time. 4. Take the time to mourn the future One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same. On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too. If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex. 5. Deconstruct the ex symbol Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked. So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself. Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first. 6. Date other people It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date. Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you. Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself. 7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact. This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future. 8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again. Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner. Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex. 9. Stop the desire for revenge Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning. No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better. 10. Forgive yourself to find closure Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship. I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within. This is a contributed post. Starting a family and getting married can all come at you so fast. It’s a good thing to question whether you’re ready to make such a big commitment in your life. If you don’t question these things and whether now is the time for you to push ahead, you might make the wrong call for you. That’s the last thing you need, so don’t let it come to that. Instead, be honest with your partner and discuss the practical challenges that the pair of you are likely to face when starting a family and tying the knot. These practical areas of concern might not be romantic, but it’s the practical things that will hit you hardest later on. Timing First of all, you need to think about the timing of all this. Is now the right time for you to be starting a family and settling down with a partner who you aim to stay with for the rest of your life? Questioning that is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s perfectly natural. We all have to find our own way, and you don’t have an obligation to anyone if you’re not ready to do something yet. There are other ways in which timing should be considered too. For example, if you are entering middle age and you still want to have children, you will have to think about biology. Of course, there are things you can do to have children later in life now, but it’s something that is worth keeping in mind. You don’t want to regret things later. Financial Issues Money is a big part of any long-term relationship. You need to find a way to make it work financially for the both of you. And looking at how the balance of financial obligation is going to work between you is key. Talking about these things openly and frankly is always the best way to do things. That way, everyone will know where they stand. The other thing to think about is whether you should put a prenuptial agreement in place. Some solicitors or law firms can provide expert advice if that’s something you want to do. It will mean that if the marriage doesn’t turn out as planned, the finances will be clear and no one will have to argue over money. Finally, think about whether you have the money to start a family and maintain your lifestyle. Raising kids isn’t cheap. Career Concerns
Last but not least, you should think about how your family and marital plans fit in with your career. For many people, their jobs and careers are the most important things of all to them. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. But it can be challenging to keep your career on track while raising a family. It could be a better idea to wait until your career is in a more stable place before starting a family if you feel like you are stilling growing fast in your job. That way, your career will be less hectic when the times comes to have children and take on fatherly or motherly responsibilities for the first time. Pre-Marital Disclosure:
What to do after you get engaged By Frank Kermit This is an article for couples that are now engaged, I wish you congratulations on getting the "yes"! Welcome to the next level of the development of your relationship. Beware...if you thought getting to this stage was hard, you are about to embark on an even more challenging endeavor: The period of time where you and your partner are testing the waters to see if marriage is going to work out for you. When working with couples that are discussing marriage, or have gotten engaged, but have concerns about their ability to maintain a lasting relationship, I always encourage the couple to sit down and have a Frank Disclosure It is time you and your now fiancé embark on a very challenging journey...to share every secret you each have that could potentially end a marriage that has not even begun yet. We all have secrets. Some secrets you can keep to yourself, but other secrets, if exposed, can ruin your marriage. So the question is, what do you have to tell your future spouse? The answer is, you must tell your spouse everything you believe might cause your spouse not to marry you. If you happen to be thinking that you could NEVER tell your fiancé about X...well that X is exactly what you need to tell them now. Does your fiancé need to know everything? In today's world of social media and recorded history...well actually, yes you do. If you chose to safe guard certain truths from you past, at least, you must share those truths that would cripple your relationship if your fiancé ever found out. For example, if you know that your fiancé would never tolerate dating someone who currently does certain types of illegal drugs, and although you currently do not do any illegal drugs, but you did so in your past, it is important to let your fiancé know. Your fiancé may stay, your fiancé may go but it is important to give your fiancé the chance to make an informed decision, even if it could lead to the end of your current relationship. Chances are your fiancé will eventually find out, and when that happens, any assumption you might have had that it would no longer be an issue goes out with window, as the divorce papers come riding in. Keep in mind a break up today is a lot less detrimental to your emotional health than a divorce tomorrow from a marriage that was based on omissions of truths. Here is another example; have you ever posed nude for photos or made a sex tape that is in the hands of an ex? Even if your fiancé does not mind the fact that you did or did not, your fiancé should at least be shown the courtesy of being ready for the day when your vindictive ex makes those images or videos publicly available or posted them on the internet. We never know what can happen in our futures. Something like this could simply blow over...or it could be detrimental to a career (yours or your fiancé). It would also be a good idea to tell your fiancé before you have children together as your children will share in the fortunes and hardships you experience as a couple. Consider that your kids might get mercilessly teased and bullied in high school when intimate showing of either mom or dad catch up to them. You cannot control the actions of a crazy ex but you can at least have your team be informed of the potential play hazards and take whatever precautions may be necessary. If you just got engaged, and want to have a disclosure with your partner, consider all the things you can and cannot handle. Take into account your boundaries and deal breakers. Really think about what your values are and how you want those values to be enacted in your life daily. Here are some things you might want to share with your fiancé if you want the best chances of making your marriage last a lifetime. Do either of you have a child out of wedlock that was given up for adoption who may come back into your lives in 20 yrs? Have either of you worked as a sex worker (stripper/ prostitute/ pimp/ driver) at any point in time? Have you ever had a secret friends-with-benefits liaison with someone that your families will insist attend the wedding? Where either of you ever hospitalized for a suicide attempt? Have either of you ever been on medication for a mental illness that you may relapse into? Have either of you been arrested, incarcerated or have a criminal record? Were either of you dating someone else when you initially met? Have either of you been a party to cheating on past partners, or were the "other" person in an affair? Do either of you have some form of fetish, or alternative sexual lifestyle, or sexual orientation that your current partner does not know about? Have either of you participated in a wild-nature relationship that your current partner would not be able to handle? In some cases, your fiancé just might not care about your past. If that is the case, then sharing this information will help the couple bond, and make your relationship stronger. It will prevent your enemies, that WANT to see your relationship fail, from being able to use either of your past histories to turn you against each other. In other cases, your fiancé will care. Your fiancé may have certain beliefs about relationships and life, such that your past, or accepting your past (and vice versa) is just not feasible. In a perfect world, a person's past would not matter, and the love of your life would be accepting of everything about you. We do not live in a perfect world. For that reason, you need to know, and your future spouse needs to know. You are investing your life and all of your resources into this relationship including your bodies, your souls and banking on future children. Make your marriage strong by making an informed decision. Dating With Mental Illness By Frank Kermit The term Mental Illness covers a variety of mental health conditions and disorders. Commonly mental illness will affect and change a person’s mood, emotion, thinking and behaviors (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are health conditions; they can be feared and misunderstood by many people but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is common, and more common than many people care to admit.
If you have a mental disorder, should you mention it when dating? If so, when do you bring it up? First date? Just before initiating intimacy? Before moving in together? On your online dating profile before you even meet a person? In order to answer this, you will have to make a choice. If you are comfortable with the entire world knowing your personal challenges with mental illness, then bring it up on a first date. If you do not care about your privacy in this regard, then there is no point hiding it longer than need be. For example, if you suffered severe depression in the past, and may be prone to having a severe episode in the future, and you do not care who knows about it, then share it in conversation on the first date. Does it have to be the first thing you say after you say hello? Nope. But it is something you should tell the person if you see the two of you are getting along, and the best way to bring it up is calmly, and as a matter of fact. For example, you are getting along on the date, have been talking for about an hour, and have found you have a few things in common and decide that you like the person enough that you might like the date to go longer into the night, or even already thinking about a second date. A way to bring it up, is to calmly and simply mention that there is something you want to talk about, and that you really like the person so far, and you want the person to know this, so that it doesn’t become an issue in the future. Then tell the person about some of the challenges you deal with. A different way you can bring it up, is to ask the person if they have ever dealt with any mental health issues, or know of someone they care about who has. One of three things will happen. The person will either answer the question and then ask you the same question back, the person may answer the question and not ask you the same question back; or the person will ask you why you are asking. In any case, this would be a good time to talk about your challenges with mental illness. Something to keep in mind is that you are the ambassador to train people how to treat you. If you behave unsure about your condition, or if you communicate that you are uncomfortable discussing your condition, you may trigger the person you are speaking too to be just as unsure and uncomfortable about you. If you communicate your situation with self-love, and demonstrate that you are accepting of your situation, you will influence others to feel the same way about you. For this to work, please make sure that you are as knowledgeable about your mental health issues as you can be, and help the person you are dating better support and assist you by clearly communicating your emotional needs, and boundaries (as the case may be). Now then, if you do NOT want information of your mental illness to become public domain, then you will have to work a little harder at screening the person you are dating to see if they are trustworthy enough to share this information as well as have the capacity of compassion and understanding. This means that during conversations in the early stages of dating, you must test the person by asking them questions that will reveal how they feel about your mental illness without revealing that you have it. For example, if a particular artist or performer has the same mental illness as you, you can start out by a conversation of the album or movie that person appeared on. Lead that conversation from the art, to the person, and mention in casual conversation the mental health issues of that person. Then gauge the reaction of your date. If your date talks about coping with mental illness with compassion and understanding, it is a sign you may be able to share secret parts of yourself with that person later on. If your date reacts in a very negative way where you do not feel safe reveal your secret to them, it is a sign you likely should not continue dating the person at all. For example, if you want to know if the person you are dating can be open to talking about your depression, anxiety and your past suicide attempt, you can start by bringing up your favorite movies starring the late actor Robin Williams. From talking about the movies, to a discussion about the star himself who was publicly known for dealing with mental illness, that tragically took his own life in 2014, how your date reacts and discusses mental health will reveal if you are with a compatible partner. (P.S. I miss Robin Williams, forever my Mork). Two warnings to the people that need to keep their mental health issues a secret from the people they date. First warning is not to pay the mind games of getting your date to fall in love with you before telling them. It is manipulative and unethical. Let the person you date be able to make an informed decision before getting too attached to you, and focus on screening your date for compatibility as mentioned above. The second warning is do not make the mistake of not telling someone that is on the verge of committing to be life partners with you. If you have suffered, or continue to suffer, with mental illness, and you are getting serious with someone, that person should know what challenges they face in being seriously involved with you. Chances are you may find yourself dealing with your struggle in the future, and your life partner should at least know what to expect from you, just as you would want to know something this serious about your life partner. To anyone reading this that refuses to date someone that has suffered with mental illness, or is at risk, I want to explain something to you. It can happen to anyone, at any point in the life span. There is no guarantee that people who are at risk for mental illness will ever succumb to it in their lifetime. With that said, there is no guarantee that just because someone has never struggled with mental illness before means they will never struggle with it. Just because someone had a parent that needed medication to cope with mental illness does not automatically means that the person you are dating is going to require the same means to cope with life. Just because the person you are dating has never dealt with panic attacks or depression does not mean that they will not start to deal with them after a traumatic event much later in life. It is that common. Like ANY physical health issue, it can strike at any point. Whether the result of a bad unforeseeable accident, or resulting after a number of warning signs taking effect, or happening seemingly without cause, it can happen to anyone you are dating, just as it can happen to you. Treat others with the same compassion and understanding, as you would have them treat you. When it comes to mental illness, this is more applicable as one day, it could very well be you. I invite you to join me on Wednesday January 25th at 10 pm EST when I take part in Bell Let’s Talk, as a guest on Dr Laurie Betito’s radio program Passion, for their monthly feature Dating Dilemmas where I will talk about Dating with Mental Illness with Dr. Laurie Betito, and co-host Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of https://www.elitespeeddating.com/ The show will be broadcast LIVE in Montreal on CJAD 800 AM (http://www.iheartradio.ca/cjad) as well as broadcast in Toronto on NewsTalk 1010 AM (https://www.iheartradio.ca/newstalk-1010) Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find. Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth. People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved. When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success. For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves. Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity). In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible. This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating. Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved. Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique. Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people. When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you. This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you. However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about. The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it. One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people. Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them. They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them. How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself. Frank Kermit Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with. Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation. For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations. Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn. There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates. For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed. Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Couples in Transition By Frank Kermit When a couple is going through a change in the status of their relationship they are a couple in transition. This includes couples that are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, from non-monogamy to monogamy, and also covers life stages from new parenthood to entering the empty nest syndrome, as well as caring for an elderly parent or becoming a primary caregiver to your life partner. With each transition is a change in your individual identity and how you both may define yourself as a couple. What is important is that you and your partner manage realistic expectations of what will be affected by the transition and let go of any harboring resentment that partners may unknowingly start to feel against one another. No relationship structure is perfect. No relationship structure is better than the other. They all have their positives and negatives. The key is finding what relationship structure works best for your needs, managing the reality of that relationship structure, and use the transition to help make your relationship stronger. The primary reason that -Happily Ever After- does not exist in real life is because in real life change is constant (unlike a fairy tale fantasies where things can stay the same for a long time). From one year to the next, life has a way of putting you through traumatic events, bringing about tremendous loss as well as great fortune, and ironically presenting us with new opportunities that can be veiled as bad luck. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can be serene moments of reflection to take in what has and has not changed for a person, couple and family in the course of a year. There are times when we choose our transitions (like the active decision to invite a new child into the family). There are times when we do not choose our transition (such as an unforeseeable accident that leaves you or a loved one incapacitated and in the care of others). There are also transitions that we know are coming, but do not know when though have already agreed to accept for reasons such as feeling obligated, love or to keep a promise (just like when a widowed parent becomes unable to live alone and must move in with adult children and grandchildren). The fact is transitional stages in life are a given. How and when those transitions occur is less in our control. However, what is within our control is how we choose to manage our transition. One of the more dangerous elements of a transition is the RESENTMENT that can build up between couples. There is a difference between our intellectual understanding of a situation, and our emotional reactions to a situation. It is this RESENTMENT and how we manage it that will direct the future of our relationships. A person suddenly caught off guard and thrust into the emotional hardships of a transition, could easily direct lots of resentment against their own partner. For example, many new parents find themselves unready for the lack of sleep they experience caring for an infant. Intellectually they knew what to expect. However, the lack of sleep robs them of energy they normally use to manage their emotional state, and causes them to have a lot less patience with their partner's idiosyncrasies (including those particular partner quirks that they have originally find endearing or attractive). Many people are incredibly surprised to learn that they had emotional expectations that were different from their intellectual understandings. A person can intellectually understand that when they get married he or she is signing up for better or for worse, but when the -worse- part happens, and they can intellectually stay committed, that does not mean he or she is fully on board emotionally. In fact, it is likely that there could be some emotional resentment building that will surface as a fight, or a lack of interest, with the relationship partner. So if you find yourself feeling resentful of your partner for something related to a transition going on in your relationship or in life, you may want to consider examining exactly what your expectations were on an emotional level when you went into that relationship. If you were emotionally banking on a happily ever after, even if you intellectually knew better, the issue might be a simple lack of maturity that comes with the understanding about the reality of life and relationships. As I teach it, it takes more than love to make a long-term relationship work. It takes a commitment to commitment. Being committed to a person is fickle, as how you feel about the person could directly impact how you feel about keeping your commitment. However, if you practice being committed to your commitment, you may stand a higher chance of sticking it out and making the effort to manage your resentment when your emotional expectations are crash against the wall of disappointment. To all couples in transition, I urge you to hang in there. There is a future if you are willing to work through it. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time |
Categories
All
Archives
May 2024
NDG Encore Singing Chorus **** Every Friday Night Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes
|