The 7 Weird Words That Help Define Relationships
By Frank Kermit There are 7 certain words that catch many people off guard when it comes to relationships. They are: Lust, Love, Sex, Dating, Commitment, Marriage, and Monogamy. At their most literal meanings, these commonly used words are very understandable. Intellectually, most people have no problem grasping their mental understanding of those words. Lust can be defined as the sexual desire that someone may experience when attracted to someone. To enjoy lust even better check out Now What? Unique Ways to Cater To her Sexual ENA Love can be defined as an emotional attachment someone feels for another person. To make someone full in love with you learn to master their emotional needs. Sex is a physical act between people and usually refers to the act of intercourse. If you never had sex, talk to me about how to lose your virginity. Dating can be understood to refer to the process of two people spending time together with a romantic intention. Check out the NEW rules of dating. Commitment is an obligation that you make a promise to fulfill. There are ways to check if your relationship is commitment ready. Marriage can be considered a legal status you enter to define your legal standing with another individual. Before you get married, sign up for marital coaching. Monogamy is a term to describe a dynamic where you have sex with only one particular person and refuse to have sex with others. Learn the basics of monogamy and non-monogamy. The issue with these particular words is that people may directly associate a word on the above list to be the equivalent of one, or more, of the others words. Even though we can define each word differently, we may make emotional connections with these particular words that cause us to substitute one word on the list for the other words. For example, a person may feel that marriage is the exact same thing as monogamy. A person may feel that having sex with someone means having someone's love. A person may even feel that simply dating someone for a few casual coffee dates automatically implies a deep commitment. A person may assume that the more lusty attraction they feel for someone, the more they are in love with that person. This is what makes these certain 7 words intriguingly weird. These words, which intellectually can be understood to be clear and separate, get muddled through multiple shades of gray on deeper emotional levels. It is the realistic person that does not assume commitment when dating, until that commitment is earned and publicly stated. It is the emotionally mature lover that grasps that having sex or lust for someone is not necessarily an expression of any loving attachment beyond the attraction nor physical act. It is the millions of happily married couples in the swinger lifestyle who will attest that being married does not equate monogamy. The understanding that each of these words is unique and separate from the other words is a key ingredient to the beginning stages of getting your love life in order. It is a part of the self-actualization process and achieving clarity in relationships that a person must come to terms that each word does not mean exactly the same thing as any of those other words. One of the best ways to fully grasp this first step concept is to ask yourself if you can experience any one of those terms, without experiencing any other of those terms. For example, is it possible to be in a marriage that is devoid of lust, love, sex, having dated, commitment, or monogamy? The answer of course is yes. There are loveless marriages, sexless marriages, arranged marriages that never involved dating, marriages of convenience where the couple are married but simply are not commitment to each other beyond some kind of materialist exchange, and there are married couples that are non-monogamous where the couple, individually or together as a couple, engage in open consensual sex with other people. This is not about infidelity nor cheating, as there is neither deception nor lying, as both partners of the couple are involved and consenting in the extra-marital sex. Marriage can exist completely independently of all those other terms. This is an example of the clarity that is required to properly handle your relationship mismanagement behaviors. If you want to fully figure out where you might be making incorrect word associations when it comes to your relationship expectations, go through each word and write out if the one word could exist without any of the other words in association. This exercise can be a revelation to some people, and reality shattering for others. You must never assume that other people will interpret those 7 words the same way you do; that is what makes them weird. These words are some of the most commonly misunderstood words when wrangling with relationships, and at the same time these are the same words that are significantly used in correlations to define what is a relationship. If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
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This is a contributed post. Every year, thousands, if not millions of people log onto dating websites in the hope of finding love. For some, it’s a dream come true and leads to genuine relationships that stand the test of time. But for a growing minority, the relationships don't just end up breaking their hearts, they also destroy their finances too. Romance scams are becoming more and more common as criminals realize that a great way to extract money from somebody is to first become their romantic partner. It sounds pretty far-fetched: after all, why go to the effort of being in a relationship with someone, just to get their money? But according to the latest data on the subject is surprisingly common. Recent figures suggest that there are around 600 dating scams through online dating sites every quarter and that number is growing. What’s more, the average cost of a dating scam is running at more than $12,800, or about a year’s worth of disposable income for most working people. Money is usually extracted through what seem on the surface to be legitimate reasons. A romantic partner might ask for things like travel expenses or say things like “I’ve lost my plane ticket. Would you mind covering the cost?” They might also say things like a family member is ill and they need money for treatment urgently. All of these examples are designed to get you to part with your money quickly without thinking. But you need to be wary, especially if you have just met somebody online. According to Which magazine, more than one in four adults use a dating website at some point in their life, meaning that a vast swathe of the population is potentially at risk. But what can regular daters do to fight back? The first thing to do is to make sure that you are properly educated on all the different kinds of scams out there. One of the most popular kinds of scams occurs when a person says that they can’t take off any more time from their employer to come and see you without purchasing additional annual leave. The scammer then asks the victim to pay, which can be as much as $300 a day. The victim then sends the money, and the scammer pockets all of it and never makes the trip to see them. There are other scams too. One scam is when the fraudster tells the victim that they have some physical asset, be it gold, silver or something else valuable that is being held by customs officials. They inform the victim that they need to pay a release fee to customs officials for the items to be released before both the victim and the perpetrators can benefit, according to telegraph.co.uk. The other way that daters can hit back is by using sites like WarrantCheckOnline.com. These sites check whether the person you want to date is who they say they are. When dating online, it’s always best to remain vigilant and never part with any money before you know whether a person is genuine or not. Do not send international payments, even if the person seems genuine. What is a Relationship?
By Frank Kermit Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?" This is a harder question to answer than most people think. In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle. So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy. What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion. An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship. A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you. That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society. Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries. You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship. The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect. A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person. If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery. Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video Dating Dilemmas 79, this is Frank Kermit's 120th appearance on Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face. What does a person go through starting over when dating? How does a person get over an ex, or move on from a break up? Is it good to get right back out there and date after a break up? What is some good speed dating advice? How does a person get over unrequited love? When your ex starts to date someone else before you do? Montreal, Toronto and Nova Scotia Understanding and Letting Go of Unrequited Love
Mourning The Dream: Getting Over The Fantasy By Frank Kermit When you are mourning the loss of a relationship due to break up or divorce, or the death of loved one, the mourning process is the same. Getting used to the "new normal" of not having that person around, even if you did not always get along, requires a period of mourning. In this respect, we mourn what was familiar to us, not necessarily what was great about the previous situation. But what happens when what we are mourning never actually existed? There is someone you like. That person is special to you. You spend lots of time imagining what it is going to be like when the two of you finally have your moment and date. It is a wonderful dream. Yet, it may happen that when you finally make your interests known to the person, that you get rejected. Oh well. In this situation, most people get a little disappointed, shrug it off, and move on and look for someone else that will appreciate him or her. But-Not-You. You are heartbroken, feeling the same intensity as if you had been violated by a long-term relationship partner. You felt like it SHOULD have worked out! It SHOULD have been perfect! You SHOULD have ended up together! Why would this rejection hurt almost as much, if not more, than if you were actually dating and broke up? The answer is that the dream you created of the two of you together was as real to you as any other aspect of reality. Instead of separating the illusions and fantasy of your dream together, from the fact that the two of you never even started to date, you likely allowed yourself to accept the dream of who that other person was, and use the symbolic dream, as a real life experience to base your expectations on. THAT is why it hurts so much more than it merits. How does someone get over it? One of the ways a person can get over this kind of pain is to mourn the dream. Whatever actions you would normally take to mourn the death of a person; take those same actions to mourn the dream you built up in your mind. Writing out the experience, doing something to commemorate the dream, following a ritual of your faith are all examples. Yes, it may seem silly, but some healing methods are silly when you are not used to paying attention to emotional core hurts. It is easy to say that we should not have created the dream to begin with; however the point is moot, since you are already there. The next time you like someone, and if you have a choice to either ask out that person as soon as you can, or wait on it and spend too much time creating a dream of the future that does not exist, choose to ask out the person as soon as you can. It will save you a lot of hurt if and when things do not work out. Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Understanding Emotional Needs
By Frank Kermit Emotional needs are about what a person responds to. It has nothing to do with what a person should like. We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart. But we are not. We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to. We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not. And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues. When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you. If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this: The first is to change yourself, and; the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too. The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call "settling" that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness. However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect). Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with. One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event. The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too. The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have "everything figured out first". Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing. If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that. However, if you are only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs. Learn The Emotional Needs Mastery System The Secret Of Seduction is that it Happens in the Future
By Frank Kermit The future is where actual seduction takes place. That is the key and secret to seduction. It has very little to do with turning someone on when you see them. If you happen to run into someone that is already attracted to you for the way you look, the way you carry yourself, or your presumed status in that environment, that is not seduction. That is getting lucky. That person already liked you, and all you have to do is not screw it up by acting creepy, obnoxious or socially awkward. In fact, if someone already likes you enough just because of such factors, you end up getting a higher margin for errors in case you do act in an unattractive way. In those cases, you get the connection, not because of your unattractive qualities, but in spite of them. The principle behind the secret of seduction happening in the future is that if you can get the other person to create a future with you in their minds, you have begun the process of seducing that person. For example, when talking about your future hopes, dreams and goals it is seductive to also include the fact that you want someone to share that future with, and demonstrate the role that the person you are talking to (or a hypothetical someone else) could fill in your life. The more you can elaborate describing where someone can fit into your life, the more that person will build a future with you in their minds. That builds up attachment and attraction. The premise behind this is that although our conscious minds can differentiate between reality and fantasy, our subconscious mind does not. According to the subconscious mind your fantasy is as real as the reality of the situation, and your emotions react to your fantasies as if they were real. That is why, each time you remember something (whether a good experience or a bad one) you may also relive the emotions of it, and carry those emotions into your present day life. That is why one of the ways to get over someone is to break the pattern of imagining what your life would have been like if you had stayed together. Get it? This is not some kind of manipulative tactic. It is a way human beings process information and emotionally react to it. In fact, most of us do it to ourselves all the time. If you have ever fallen for someone that you did not even date yet, it is because of this principle. People seduce themselves. We get ourselves attached to careers we never tried, vacations we never had, and people we have never dated just because we spend so much time fantasying about what it is going to be like in the future, that we get confused between the fantasy future we build, and the reality that we have not even had the job interview, traveled to the location nor had the first date. This is why when you are interested in someone; the longer you wait to make a first move, the worse it is. If you spend your time day dreaming about dating someone instead of making your move, the fictional future you are creating will actually make being a real relationship with that person even more difficult. You will not only be distracted from getting to know that person, you will also have to battle your own unrealistic expectations that could cloud your objectivity. The reality of dating will never live up to the fantasy of dating, and you could end up disappointed and break away from an actual emotionally healthy love because you were too caught up in forcing that person to live up to the mold you created in your head. Now, can you imagine what it would be like to talk to this person, find common traits with this person, share personal experiences with this person, and have this person be an important part of your life even though you do not really know this person? If you can, I will see you in the future. Purchase the 10th Anniversary Edition of the Autobiography: FROM LOSER TO SEDUCER- THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF FRANK KERMIT Purchase the Audio Book based on the original edition of the Autobiography: AUDIO-BOOK FROM LOSER TO SEDUCER- THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF FRANK KERMIT Purchase the Audio Book on The Ethics of Seduction: HOW TO BE THE ETHICAL SEDUCER Purchase the Audio Book on how to decorate your Bachelor Pad (and see the awesome video presentation on that page!) PIMPING YOUR PAD When To Listen To Your Heart By Frank Kermit Some time ago, a client whose love life was a little messed up, asked me why it was so, given that she always listened to her heart. After all, isn’t that what people are supposed to do when it comes to romance relationships? Isn’t listening to your heart the best way to find the correct and clear answers? In my experience, the only honest response I could offer her was, “Well, it depends.” The notion that a person’s heart will always lead them to what is best for them is a wonderful idea. In practicality however, it is nothing more than an intellectual construct. Not because the heart of a person would not know, but because it depends on what that heart happens to already know. Just because something feels right, does not make it the right choice to make, if your heart hasn’t learned what is in your actual best interest. The heart wants what it wants. Just like a child that has yet to mature, and allow for life experience to take effect, to gradually teach the child (and the heart of a child) about what it should want for itself. Basically, if your heart wants something that is actually the worst possible choice for you, your heart might not share that little secret, because your heart just does not know any better. With that said, there are times when what your heart is telling you simply cannot be neglected. If your heart does not tell you directly, it may signal something to you intuitively. That gnawing feeling that there is something you have to acknowledge, even if you are unable to articulate it. That kind of instinct can, when properly active, lead you to where you were meant to be. However, even if your heart intuition happens to be correct in one area of your life, for example, a career decision, an educational path, your health management, or the choice of a life partner and future parent of your children, does not automatically mean that your heart can guide you in any other particular area. No matter what your particular expertise and where you happen to have succeeded previously listening to your heart, it is not necessarily an indication that your heart knows best for the other areas of your life. The best indicator of whether or not you should listen to your heart is your heart’s past performance in that particular area of your life. If your heart has always guided you well in financial areas in the past, you have evidence that you can likely trust your heart to guide you in the near future. If your heart has led you astray in your quest to find a loving relationship and stable commitment partner, then that is the tell tale sign that listening to your heart could be the last thing you should do at this point in time. If you struggle to know when to listen to your heart, Check out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up! If you just want to buy the Coaching Workbooks, check out these links: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME #listentoyourheart @emotionalneeds #quotes #aboutlastnight #cy #cynights #behappy #beyourself #loveyourselffirst #dowhatyoulove #bereal #neverregret #blackoutfit #2BaBetterman #lonewolf #beatall #life #ignorecrap #failurenotanoption #innervoice #emptyroom #becalm #builtyouself #quotestoliveby #mentalhealth
This is a contributed post. Tarzan and Jane. Jack and Rose. Aragorn and Arwen. Nearly every famous and successful movie features a dreamy romantic couple who, despite the many barriers in their way, do everything they can to be together. Both men and women alike tend to fall easily for this stories, and can get quite caught up in them. But is it ever okay to use a relationship we see in a movie as the basis for our own? If you've ever watched a film, or even read a book that has a strong romantic plot, you may have found yourself lusting after one of the characters in said plot, or day dreaming about having a real life relationship reminiscent of the one in the story. While a little bit of harmless fantasy never caused anyone much trouble, you have to be aware of the dangers over-doing it can bring about. Movie relationships are often unattainable Many of the relationships we see being portrayed in films and in books are a caricature of real life - not real life itself. The characters in movies are usually placed in scenarios that rarely affect any of us in real life, such as being aboard a sinking cruise ship or living in a tropical rain forest! Therefore their actions are a reflection of the scenarios they find themselves in. Often, there is some kind of issue that gets in the way of them being together that they have to dramatically try to overcome. Real relationships are usually a lot more straightforward than this. You might consider that to be boring, but ask yourself if you genuinely could cope with the amount of drama you see in movie relationships. Paired with your other social responsibilities and a full time job, the prospect doesn't actually seem all that appealing! You lose sight of your current partner Many of us have harmless crushes on celebrities, or characters from books or films. But being so wrapped up in the idea of this character can potentially be destructive towards your real relationship. It means that your actual partner or spouse struggles to live up to the character you are coveting - because part of the beauty of the character is that they can do whatever you want them to in your imagination. This can make your real relationship seem dull in comparison. The number one thing to do is to work out how to bring excitement back to your real relationship, and to get some perspective on things with a service like Symmetry Counseling. You can go for the wrong kind of partner
Many relationships in movies revolve around a damaged man or woman that the romantic interest must then try and 'save' - just look at Harley Quinn and the Joker from the recent Suicide Squad movie. While this is all fun and games on screen, in real life, this kind of relationship can actually be very stressful - plus, there's no guarantee it will actually work out (unlike a film where the ending is already written). Real love is about comfort and support, not danger and suspense - so play your cards wisely! Single Or Not, Here Comes Valentine! How To Be Happy By Frank Kermit The secret to being happy on Valentine’s Day (V-day) is to be grateful for everything no matter what your situation. Being single should not be a reason to feel bad on V-day nor is the fact you are nursing a broken heart. If you are single, that means you are free to find love, and if you are nursing a broken heart it means you are learning a very important lesson in choosing the right person to date and will make sure to spot the red flags before choosing the wrong one again. No matter how bad you think you may have it, there is likely someone that wishes they could trade places with you. Are you miserably single? Well, someone who feels trapped in an unhappy relationship may gladly switch with you. Are you with a long-term spouse that no longer is attractive to you now that you finished raising our kids? Well, it might be paradise to someone that wishes they had chosen to get serious and have a family, to help squash the unbearable loneliness that creeps into old age. Are you only seeing your kid a few days a month? There is someone that had to hold a funeral for their kid and just wishes to be in your shoes. Everyone has problems, whether single or involved. Valentine’s Day does not fix what is broken in your life, nor does it automatically change your situation. It is nothing more than a day to recognize what you do have going on. If you aren’t happy, you can changes things if you really want to. But keep in mind that comparing yourself to what others have, or do not have, will never bring you peace, because behind every smile there is a story that you do not know. A happily single person may have had to go through some vicious life lessons to be content to be alone. That loving couple may have had to overcome adversity and worked through personalized therapy in order to be able to be fully present in that relationship. Be grateful for the love you had in the past, the love you may be experiencing now, and the love you will surely find in the future. No matter what your situation, you have a choice on what to focus on. By the way, never underestimate how attractive a positive attitude can be. Whether it is looking for love, employment or even a new opportunity to better your life, the people you interact with respond better, more often than not, to a person with a positive frame of mind. So if you are asking yourself, "How To Be Happy", now you know. It starts with your own attitude. Not waiting for something good to happen but having the right attitude to be happy, so you ready for when it does happen. Check out The Benefits Of Frank Coaching and Sign Up! @emotional needs #feb14 #feb15 #february14 #feb14th #february14th #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #valentineday #vday #singlelife #single #singleawarenessday #sad #heartbroken #heartbreak #broken #hurt #imissyou #breakup #depressing #lovequotes #alone #hearts #heart #cupid #cupidsarrow #marriageproposalideas #marriageproposalfails #engagementseason #gethitched |
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