Single Or Not, Here Comes Valentine! How To Be Happy By Frank Kermit The secret to being happy on Valentine’s Day (V-day) is to be grateful for everything no matter what your situation. Being single should not be a reason to feel bad on V-day nor is the fact you are nursing a broken heart. If you are single, that means you are free to find love, and if you are nursing a broken heart it means you are learning a very important lesson in choosing the right person to date and will make sure to spot the red flags before choosing the wrong one again. No matter how bad you think you may have it, there is likely someone that wishes they could trade places with you. Are you miserably single? Well, someone who feels trapped in an unhappy relationship may gladly switch with you. Are you with a long-term spouse that no longer is attractive to you now that you finished raising our kids? Well, it might be paradise to someone that wishes they had chosen to get serious and have a family, to help squash the unbearable loneliness that creeps into old age. Are you only seeing your kid a few days a month? There is someone that had to hold a funeral for their kid and just wishes to be in your shoes. Everyone has problems, whether single or involved. Valentine’s Day does not fix what is broken in your life, nor does it automatically change your situation. It is nothing more than a day to recognize what you do have going on. If you aren’t happy, you can changes things if you really want to. But keep in mind that comparing yourself to what others have, or do not have, will never bring you peace, because behind every smile there is a story that you do not know. A happily single person may have had to go through some vicious life lessons to be content to be alone. That loving couple may have had to overcome adversity and worked through personalized therapy in order to be able to be fully present in that relationship. Be grateful for the love you had in the past, the love you may be experiencing now, and the love you will surely find in the future. No matter what your situation, you have a choice on what to focus on. By the way, never underestimate how attractive a positive attitude can be. Whether it is looking for love, employment or even a new opportunity to better your life, the people you interact with respond better, more often than not, to a person with a positive frame of mind. So if you are asking yourself, "How To Be Happy", now you know. It starts with your own attitude. Not waiting for something good to happen but having the right attitude to be happy, so you ready for when it does happen. Check out The Benefits Of Frank Coaching and Sign Up! @emotional needs #feb14 #feb15 #february14 #feb14th #february14th #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #valentineday #vday #singlelife #single #singleawarenessday #sad #heartbroken #heartbreak #broken #hurt #imissyou #breakup #depressing #lovequotes #alone #hearts #heart #cupid #cupidsarrow #marriageproposalideas #marriageproposalfails #engagementseason #gethitched
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Single and Celebrating Valentine’s
By Frank Kermit It’s almost Valentine’s Day (V-Day), and you are single and that is OK. No, really. There is no sin to being single on any day of the year, V-day or not. This is no time for individuals to belittle themselves, just because the people in relationships around them get a reminder to celebrate being a couple. In fact, just because people are involved romantically, does not guarantee they are any happier than those people who are single and loving it. Do not get caught up in any marketing campaigns that are designed to make you feel less of a person just because you are in-between relationships, or that you find yourself more content just being on your own. Valentine’s Day is a great day to remind couples to appreciate each other and to give them an excuse to show each other affection. (With that said, it is important to point out that many breakups actually occur on V-day because that same reminder also points out to some couples they are better off single). Valentine’s Day is also a great day to celebrate your love for yourself, and to make yourself happy for a day as well. Being single on Valentine’s Day can be an adventure if you choose to make it such. Is there something you have been meaning to try, but never get around to doing it? Is there a new restaurant that you have been meaning to check out? A movie still in theaters you couldn’t get anyone to go see with you? A gift for yourself that you wanted to buy but felt it was not the right time to acquire it? Are there places you have been eagerly tempted to visit, but were waiting for the right person to attend with you, just to share in the possible taboo? Well, stop waiting. Do it today. Do it for yourself. Do it because you matter and you are worth it. You do not need to be seeing someone else to do all the things you held off doing. You are allowed to do it, now, today, being single, and just do it for you. You always have the power of choice. You can choose to let V-day get to you in the worse possible ways, and fall victim to the pity-party that has sparked so many Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments…or you can choose to be happy for those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they like, and be compassionate and nurturing to yourself, and make it a special “I love me” day, whether or not you are looking for someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you next year. Celebrate you! Celebrate being single! Just because it is V-day does not mean you have to feel down about yourself in any respect. It is a time when you must appreciate everything you’ve got going in your life, and to be positive towards yourself, single or not. Check out the Benefits of Frank Coaching, and Sign Up The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit Whether you are totally single, sort-of-dating someone, or in a serious committed relationship, there are some Do’s and Don’ts that everyone can observe to make Valentine’s Day a better experience for all. The Top 10 Ten Do’s: 1-Do tell your partner what you want If there is something that you want to happen on Valentine’s Day, then Do tell your partner what it is. Forget about dropping hints or hoping they will surprise you with exactly what you were thinking of. If you have something specific in mind, say so. 2-Do show appreciation and be grateful If your partner does something big, or does something not as big as you may have thought, be sure to show appreciation for any efforts that anyone tries in order to make your Valentine’s special. 3- Do something for your partner It is a good idea to do something for your partner on Valentine’s. It does not have to be extravagant. In an ideal world, couples would not need to rely on a holiday to be reminded to show some love to one another; couples should be doing it regularly. However, if you are going to show some love eventually, you may as well on Valentine’s. 4- Do give someone a chance that asks you out If you are single and someone takes a chance on Valentine’s to ask you out on a date, give that person a chance and say yes to one date. Even if that person is not your type. That person was thinking about you on Valentine’s when no one else was, and that alone is reason enough to earn just one date. 5- Do make it a special day if you feel it is right If it is your first Valentine’s together, you may feel that it is right to make a big deal of it and that is OK as long as you both agree. For example, both of you taking the day off of work to spend it together might be something fun and adventurous. 6-Do make the effort to give your partner what your partner asks for If your partner asks for a card, give your partner a card. If your partner asks for you to read from a book of love-poetry, then give your partner what is asked of you. Giving what you want makes you happy, but giving someone what they want makes your partner happy. 7-Do try something new Valentine’s can be adventurous if you make the most of the holiday by trying something new with your partner that you have never tried before. It could be a new restaurant, or checking out a new movie that neither of you have seen. Be open to trying something new that you know your partner really enjoys. 8-Do Respect your Partner’s Boundaries It is easy to get caught up in our own ideas of what would be great to do on Valentine’s, but it is important that you respect any and all of your partner’s boundaries. If your partner is not comfortable doing something, it needs to be off the list of possibilities for the two of you. 9-Do Go OUT if you are alone on Valentine’s If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, go outside, or to an event. It is a great time to meet new people that are also single on Valentine’s Day who may be in the same situation you are. Staying at home to avoid people, will only keep you alone. 10-Do be happy for people that enjoy celebrating Valentine’s If you know people that are excited about celebrating Valentine’s, be happy for them. Just because it may not be your thing, does not mean you should ruin it for anyone else. The Top 10 Don’ts 1-Do NOT Confess your undying love for your best friend This only works if your friend already likes you back, or if your friend is open minded enough to give you a chance. Otherwise, all this does is put way too much pressure on your friend, and might creep out the person you are trying to win over. It is best to invite that person out on a date, rather than confess long drawn out feelings. 2-Do NOT try to make your partner feel guilty Just because it is Valentine’s Day and you want something specific to happen, do not try to guilt your partner into doing something your partner is not really interested in doing. There is no saying: “If you really love me you will.” In fact, if you really love your partner, you would let it go, and not try to guilt the person. 3-Do NOT break up with someone just because it is Valentine’s Valentine’s day is a day of reflection for many people, and lots of people break up with their partners on V-day. If you are planning to break up with someone, do it BEFORE Valentine’s day to give you both a chance to meet someone new. Do NOT break up ON Valentine’s Day. 4-Do NOT ignore Valentine’s Day It does happen when you may not be able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you like. If you and your partner end up missing each other on the actual date (work schedules, travel, etc…) be sure to celebrate the sentiment of the day on another day before or after the fact. It is one thing to ignore the specific date; it is another thing to ignore your partner’s needs 5-Do NOT limit yourself to celebrating Valentine’s for only romantic connections Although Valentine’s day is USUALLY associated with romantic love, be sure to also think about those people who are important to you that you love, in non-romantic ways, and to remind those people that they are important to you. (For example, buying flowers for your mother is perfectly acceptable on Valentine’s Day). 6- Do NOT go above the agreed upon budget As sweet as it might be to overspend on your sweetie, this could backfire in lots of ways. First, it may create resentment or feelings of unease for the person who spent less because of the pressure to make up the difference in other ways. Not a good place to be emotionally. Second, it sets a bad precedent for next year if you are still together. 7- Do Not Act Bitter If you are Bitter about how your love life is going, acting bitter about it on Valentine’s is NOT going to solve the problem. If you are unhappy, have a look at the choices you have made that landed you in the situation you are in. Then consider your options and make better choices so that you can plan for a better Valentine’s next year. 8- Do NOT Bash what you hate about dating and relationships Some people like to list everything they hate about dating and relationships to feel better about being single. There are some positive and negatives in all things, in all situations. Even if there are some trade offs in dating and relationships, that does not make being single “better”. They are just different. If you are happy being single, then focus on what is positive about being single, not what you think is negative about not dating and relationships. See the difference? 9- Do NOT get caught up in the marketing How you celebrate Valentine’s is between you and your partner, and neither of you needs to feel that you have to keep up with anyone else you know. If the two of you feel fine to spend it quietly and inexpensively, that is OK. If you both want to go all out, that is OK too. Just do it because you want to do it, not because you feel pressured to keep up with the marketing. 10. Do NOT have unreasonable expectations Unreasonable expectations of you, of your partner, and of what Valentine’s can be for you as a couple is the kiss of death to some relationships. Valentine’s day will do no more and no less than what you are both capable of as a couple. Do not assume that amazing things will happen JUST because it is Valentine’s Day, especially if you haven’t taken any actions ahead of time to ensure that something special happens. Check out Frank's Ebooks: 25 RULES FOR EVERYONE- HOW TO ACT ON A FIRST DATE and 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY This is a contributed post. So, Valentine's Day is just around the corner. If you are in a relationship, you are probably jumping for joy. If you're single, not so much! Valentine's Day is a contentious issue around the world these days, for many single and non-single people alike. A lot of people enjoy honoring the old traditions of Saint Valentine, whereas other people think it is just a way for stores to make money by selling gifts and cards. But whatever your opinion on the whole thing is, Valentine's is coming and you had better be prepared! If you are finding yourself without a partner this year, don't panic - Valentine's Day can still be fun! Here are some fun ways to join in the Valentine's festivities even when you're riding solo. Celebrate another couple's love We are all taught that Valentine's Day is all to do with celebrating the love between two people - one of those people being you, and the other being your significant other. But who makes these rules?! There's no reason at all why you can't celebrate the love of another couple this Valentine's, especially if you know a couple you really admire. This could be your best friend and his wife - maybe you have grown up with them and just want to show them how happy you are for them? Or, it could even be your own parents! Sending them a card telling them that you hope they enjoy Valentine's Day will really make their day and shows that you appreciate love between everyone! Find a last minute date If you really don't want to be alone on Valentine’s - even if it's just for that day only - you might want to try and find a last minute date. Most people will already be coupled up for Valentine's just a couple of weeks in advance, so it won't be easy. But, at least you should be able to tell fairly early on who is single and who isn't! The best way to find a date without relying on mutual friends is probably through dating apps, where you can state your intentions quite clearly (as can other people). Many apps are also free, so you don't need to spend a fortune just to find that special someone. Try making a list of your best tinder pick up lines and see if you can find yourself a date for the evening! Celebrate with your other single friends
It's safe to say that most of your friends who are in relationships will be busy with their partner on Valentine's Day. But, what about all your other single mates? Arrange to go out for a meal together - sure, you'll be surrounded by intimate tables for two, but it will be a laugh! Or, get your buddies round at your place for the night and indulge in a few drinks and takeout food. You could even get out some old photos and reminisce about times you had together at school or college. Valentine's Day doesn't mean you need to be with a girlfriend - see it as a chance to catch up with ALL your loved ones. To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK How to Host A Singles Party By Frank Kermit I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD). With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet. Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives. This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different. When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it. Here is what you need to do: Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting. A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with. Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given. The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with. The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character. As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out. (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests). In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced. The result? We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests. No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list. Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending. The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties. How’s that for success? So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date. Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love. To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out: HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair. Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved. If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated. In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light. The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern. The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him. The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it. Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off. This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public. Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on. Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people. Frank Kermit Dating With Mental Illness By Frank Kermit The term Mental Illness covers a variety of mental health conditions and disorders. Commonly mental illness will affect and change a person’s mood, emotion, thinking and behaviors (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are health conditions; they can be feared and misunderstood by many people but they are nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is common, and more common than many people care to admit.
If you have a mental disorder, should you mention it when dating? If so, when do you bring it up? First date? Just before initiating intimacy? Before moving in together? On your online dating profile before you even meet a person? In order to answer this, you will have to make a choice. If you are comfortable with the entire world knowing your personal challenges with mental illness, then bring it up on a first date. If you do not care about your privacy in this regard, then there is no point hiding it longer than need be. For example, if you suffered severe depression in the past, and may be prone to having a severe episode in the future, and you do not care who knows about it, then share it in conversation on the first date. Does it have to be the first thing you say after you say hello? Nope. But it is something you should tell the person if you see the two of you are getting along, and the best way to bring it up is calmly, and as a matter of fact. For example, you are getting along on the date, have been talking for about an hour, and have found you have a few things in common and decide that you like the person enough that you might like the date to go longer into the night, or even already thinking about a second date. A way to bring it up, is to calmly and simply mention that there is something you want to talk about, and that you really like the person so far, and you want the person to know this, so that it doesn’t become an issue in the future. Then tell the person about some of the challenges you deal with. A different way you can bring it up, is to ask the person if they have ever dealt with any mental health issues, or know of someone they care about who has. One of three things will happen. The person will either answer the question and then ask you the same question back, the person may answer the question and not ask you the same question back; or the person will ask you why you are asking. In any case, this would be a good time to talk about your challenges with mental illness. Something to keep in mind is that you are the ambassador to train people how to treat you. If you behave unsure about your condition, or if you communicate that you are uncomfortable discussing your condition, you may trigger the person you are speaking too to be just as unsure and uncomfortable about you. If you communicate your situation with self-love, and demonstrate that you are accepting of your situation, you will influence others to feel the same way about you. For this to work, please make sure that you are as knowledgeable about your mental health issues as you can be, and help the person you are dating better support and assist you by clearly communicating your emotional needs, and boundaries (as the case may be). Now then, if you do NOT want information of your mental illness to become public domain, then you will have to work a little harder at screening the person you are dating to see if they are trustworthy enough to share this information as well as have the capacity of compassion and understanding. This means that during conversations in the early stages of dating, you must test the person by asking them questions that will reveal how they feel about your mental illness without revealing that you have it. For example, if a particular artist or performer has the same mental illness as you, you can start out by a conversation of the album or movie that person appeared on. Lead that conversation from the art, to the person, and mention in casual conversation the mental health issues of that person. Then gauge the reaction of your date. If your date talks about coping with mental illness with compassion and understanding, it is a sign you may be able to share secret parts of yourself with that person later on. If your date reacts in a very negative way where you do not feel safe reveal your secret to them, it is a sign you likely should not continue dating the person at all. For example, if you want to know if the person you are dating can be open to talking about your depression, anxiety and your past suicide attempt, you can start by bringing up your favorite movies starring the late actor Robin Williams. From talking about the movies, to a discussion about the star himself who was publicly known for dealing with mental illness, that tragically took his own life in 2014, how your date reacts and discusses mental health will reveal if you are with a compatible partner. (P.S. I miss Robin Williams, forever my Mork). Two warnings to the people that need to keep their mental health issues a secret from the people they date. First warning is not to pay the mind games of getting your date to fall in love with you before telling them. It is manipulative and unethical. Let the person you date be able to make an informed decision before getting too attached to you, and focus on screening your date for compatibility as mentioned above. The second warning is do not make the mistake of not telling someone that is on the verge of committing to be life partners with you. If you have suffered, or continue to suffer, with mental illness, and you are getting serious with someone, that person should know what challenges they face in being seriously involved with you. Chances are you may find yourself dealing with your struggle in the future, and your life partner should at least know what to expect from you, just as you would want to know something this serious about your life partner. To anyone reading this that refuses to date someone that has suffered with mental illness, or is at risk, I want to explain something to you. It can happen to anyone, at any point in the life span. There is no guarantee that people who are at risk for mental illness will ever succumb to it in their lifetime. With that said, there is no guarantee that just because someone has never struggled with mental illness before means they will never struggle with it. Just because someone had a parent that needed medication to cope with mental illness does not automatically means that the person you are dating is going to require the same means to cope with life. Just because the person you are dating has never dealt with panic attacks or depression does not mean that they will not start to deal with them after a traumatic event much later in life. It is that common. Like ANY physical health issue, it can strike at any point. Whether the result of a bad unforeseeable accident, or resulting after a number of warning signs taking effect, or happening seemingly without cause, it can happen to anyone you are dating, just as it can happen to you. Treat others with the same compassion and understanding, as you would have them treat you. When it comes to mental illness, this is more applicable as one day, it could very well be you. I invite you to join me on Wednesday January 25th at 10 pm EST when I take part in Bell Let’s Talk, as a guest on Dr Laurie Betito’s radio program Passion, for their monthly feature Dating Dilemmas where I will talk about Dating with Mental Illness with Dr. Laurie Betito, and co-host Fritz-Gerald Morisseau of https://www.elitespeeddating.com/ The show will be broadcast LIVE in Montreal on CJAD 800 AM (http://www.iheartradio.ca/cjad) as well as broadcast in Toronto on NewsTalk 1010 AM (https://www.iheartradio.ca/newstalk-1010) This article is based on my coaching workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm a Woman, It's My Time Rejection: The Best Worst Thing That Can Ever Happen To You By Frank Kermit Rejection is the worst best thing that can ever happen to you. Managing rejection is a necessary part in managing your love life. Over the course of your life, chances are you are going to experience rejection before you find your soul mate, and you may have to reject others in that process as well. Trying to seek out love while trying to avoid rejection is like trying to walk in the rainstorm and not get even a little wet. The sooner you accept the reality that rejection is a normal part of life (albeit an unpleasant one at times) and learn to handle the negative emotions associated, the sooner you will find peace with your desires of seeking out an emotionally fulfilling love life. Whether you put yourself out there, or are on the receiving end of someone's affections, you are going to have to deal with rejection. In fact, the more you make efforts to connect with others, then more you will surely deal with rejection. For example, if you are on a spree of approaching new people, on the numbers alone, you will deal with more rejection than you previously did when not approaching new people. If you end up going on a date with someone, but do not end up in a long-term relationship with that person, it means at some point there was a rejection of sorts. In cases where you are casually dating, and someone that you were dating has ended up in a more serious relationship with someone else, even though that person never broke up with you directly (as there was no serious commitment in place) by virtue of that person choosing someone else, it is a rejection by default. Rejection is a Message When trying to understand rejection, rejection is at its core a message. The question is not why rejection exists; the question is actually, what is the message that a particular rejection is trying to communicate to you. Understanding how to interpret the correct message in each rejection is the key to mastering managing rejection. Before getting into understanding rejection, it is important to understand that unless you are under a particular stage of personal development or are constantly getting rejection to the point where you have not had a date in over a year, keep in mind not to read too much into a rejection. More often that not, rejection has less to do with you as a person, and more to do with what is going on in another person's life. I hear it in my practice all the time how the reasons that someone rejected another had little to with the person they rejected and more to do with that person's own issues. For example, people with a fear of intimacy will go out of their way to find reasons to reject others, blaming the other person, when in fact, they are simply running scared from potentially emotionally healthy relationships or even just sex. Other times, the person is so hooked on waiting for a particular person, that they refuse to take a chance on someone new and will reject all advances. Sometimes, the person is in a "complicated relationship" (which is really a politically correct way of saying they are too scared to make a clean and final break up and move on) and they do not know if they are even single enough to date someone else. It could generally be that the other person rejects you based on the way you approached. Most rejections are not anything to read into, as most people rejecting you likely know nothing about you. Now with that said... When trying to change your behaviors and developing yourself, for the purposes of attracting a soul mate, rejection becomes a great learning tool. Whether your goal is to get a major commitment, sex with the person you are seeing, or even just managing to get someone to date you at all, a rejection from achieving your goals can be a good message about what you are doing wrong, and what you should try next. I often find that asking the person who rejected you why they rejected you, is in fact, NOT the best way to figure out what you did wrong. In many cases, the person who rejects you cannot properly articulate why you got rejected. Most people THINK they know why they rejected someone, only to have that particular reason not matter, when they do not reject somebody else that had the similar trait. That is part of what makes the learning process in relationships so challenging. You can only really ascertain why pervious partners rejected you when you succeed in not being rejected by future partners. In other words, you will know the true reasons you constantly got rejected only after you change your behaviors and no longer get rejected. Prior to my own personal development I was often told that I was being rejected for being overweight. During my personal development phase, I experimented with countless new behaviors to discover how to make myself more seductively attractive. In time, the weight no longer mattered for the majority of people (there will always be a minority that care too much), because I changed the REAL REASONS that I was originally getting rejected; my overall behaviors that were unattractive, for example: being too nice instead of asserting my boundaries. In certain areas of life, relationships being one of them, it is like first being given the test, and then being taught the lesson afterwards. When you are romantically interested in a friend that you has gotten to know you well enough, and decide to chance taking it to the next level and your friend rejects your advances, it should be interpreted as an insult. A stranger does not know you enough for a rejection to be insulting. A friend however knows you enough to know that you make a good friend, which is a key component to making a long-term relationship work. When your friend would rather keep you as a friend, rather that even try, just for one first date, to explore what more the two of you can be, that is an insult. Basically, the message is that you are good, but not good enough to even make the effort to check out if there could be something more undiscovered which could develop into a meaningful relationship. For that reason, when a friend rejects your romantic intentions, it is best to distance yourself from that friend, or end the close friendship altogether. Staying friends with a friend who consistently rejects you (assuming that you keep hoping the friendship will blossom into more) does an emotional damage to the one that keeps hoping for change. The biggest error that people make when trying to interpret rejection is they do not distinguish the difference between being rejected for incompatibility (a particular person does not see a realistic future for this coupling) and being rejected because a person that is unlovable. When I lost my ex-fiancé to my then best friend, there were a few different ways I could have interpreted that rejection. On the one hand I could have understood that she felt he was better suited to addressing her emotional needs than I. On the other hand, I could have understood that there were behaviors that I needed to improve on so that I would not have acted in a way that made me less desirable as a partner. Even more, I could have assumed that they were meant to be, and it was wrong of me to stand in their way. I could have also tried to understand that maybe her and I would simply not have worked out anyway because we really were that different and that if it wasn't my then best friend, it would have been someone else that got in the middle of it. At the time, I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions that the only interpretation I could come up with was that I was not worthy of love. I felt that I was too unlovable to ever really deserve a relationship. It took me years to deal with that demon and slay it. How different my life would have been had I learned to better interpret rejection. Then again, I would not be the very relatable relationship coach I am today without those horrible years of self-actualization. Time has given me another great interpretation of rejection: Dodging a bullet. There are times that rejection is actually a blessing, although it does not seem like that in the moment. There are times when the only worse thing than not getting the date, is actually getting the date. When I look back over the course of my life, and happen to follow up on past interests that have rejected me, I sometimes find myself grateful that I got rejected, seeing how their lives unfolded. I do not wish malice on anyone from my past, however, to see how some of their lives turned out does make me realize that not having gotten involved with them may have turned out to be a great blessing that I simply could not appreciate at the time. Think back to every time you ended up dating someone that you wished you hadn't. Chances are that someone that rejected you could have given you a worse relationship experience...and the fact you dodged that bullet is something you can be thankful for. To use a career-related analogy, if the workplace environment is a toxic one, then the only worse thing than not getting the job, is actually getting it. So the next time you get rejected, be mindful that what you don't know, isn't necessarily better than what you could have found out too late. The mark of true unshakable confidence is when you know, and trust in, your own value and recognize what you bring in to the relationship table. When "the feast" rejections your dish, it will be the dish with unshakeable confidence that will state that the feast doesn't realize the value of the dish it just turned away. Now, anyone with false bravado can say it, but so few people really believe in themselves enough to see themselves as a prize worth cherishing. The sign they do not see themselves as a prize? They stay in unfulfilling relationships. People who value themselves do not stay in unemotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships. There are people who do see themselves as a prize, but that aren't. These people come across as creepy or are simply delusional people. The difference between those peoples with unshakeable confidence from those who are delusional is that the crowds who have unshakeable confidence back up such beliefs of self worth through actions. Under their table of confidence are works that make up the legs to hold it up. They have taken stock of how they live their lives being congruent taking actions that are in line with their own belief systems. They do not take themselves for granted, and do not allow others to do it either. They have learned how to navigate the fears of abandonment in exchange for being alone rather than being with the wrong person. Managing rejection, is at the heart, of reaching a point of loving yourself, and holding out for someone to love you at that same level, keeping your expectations realistic. If you do not have faith in yourself, and appreciate what you have to offer, you run the risk of misinterpreting any rejection you encounter. At that point, you are rejecting yourself, instead of being the one person that you need most in your corner. Frank Kermit This is based on my coaching workbooks I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Stop Wasting Time: The Resolution For Singles in the New Year By Frank Kermit Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start. However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes. If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words: Stop-Wasting-Time. Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply. You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important. There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things. That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it. For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again. If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time. Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new. If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time. Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur. If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person. Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills. If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time. Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection. Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time. Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster. This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again. Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time. Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better. Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love. They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them. For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them. However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work. Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away. You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time Click the links to visit my coaching workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time. Frank Kermit Everybody‘s Holiday Happy, Except You
By Frank Kermit Do you hate it when everyone around you seems to have something extra to celebrate this year for the holidays, except for you? You aren’t alone. Sometimes, it can be a little frustrating when holiday announcements from your friends and families seem to leave you feeling a little less merry because somehow, you could end up feeling somewhat, left behind. It is not always easy to celebrate with others, when whatever it is they are joyous about, is a little reminder that your own life may not be where you thought it would be by now. In fact, one of the reasons that some people hate the holidays is because of how much they are reminded of just how unhappy they really are. Did your closest friends introduce you to their newest relationship partner? Great! Makes you one of the last of your group to the single for the holidays. Did someone in your family use the holidays to announce a new baby on the way? Great! Makes you doubt if the same thing will eventually happen to you before you feel like quitting after trying for 2 years and still not having a kid. Did a friend of yours just announce that they start a new job after the holiday season? Great! That reminds you that you really should update your resume again because your employment insurance is running out and the pressure is mounting. Did someone make it out of the hospital, or return from active military duty, to be home for the holidays? Great! You have to be sure to go over and say hello, after a quick trip to the cemetery to pay your respects to the person you lost this year. The holidays are not always fun for everyone. For some, it is a time when a person finally gets a massive break in life and a chance to find real joy. For others, the only massive break they are pre-occupied with is nursing a massively broken heart. If you are fortunate enough to have something wonderful to celebrate this year, please do. Enjoy your moments and share them accordingly. Just don’t throw them in the faces of people that you know are struggling right now. Show those people a little compassion when you can. Invite them to join in with you, but fully understand if they are not able too. If you are unfortunate during this holiday season, remember that someday in the future you very likely will have something amazing to share, and will want to celebrate with the people you most care about. When the people around you are asking you to share in their joy, make the effort to be happy for them, and if you cannot do that, excuse yourself so you do not risk tainting the mood. In the long term, you will be glad you did. Happy Holidays. Congratulations on your good fortunes, and hang in there whatever your struggles. Frank Kermit |
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