The 7 Weird Words That Help Define Relationships
By Frank Kermit There are 7 certain words that catch many people off guard when it comes to relationships. They are: Lust, Love, Sex, Dating, Commitment, Marriage, and Monogamy. At their most literal meanings, these commonly used words are very understandable. Intellectually, most people have no problem grasping their mental understanding of those words. Lust can be defined as the sexual desire that someone may experience when attracted to someone. To enjoy lust even better check out Now What? Unique Ways to Cater To her Sexual ENA Love can be defined as an emotional attachment someone feels for another person. To make someone full in love with you learn to master their emotional needs. Sex is a physical act between people and usually refers to the act of intercourse. If you never had sex, talk to me about how to lose your virginity. Dating can be understood to refer to the process of two people spending time together with a romantic intention. Check out the NEW rules of dating. Commitment is an obligation that you make a promise to fulfill. There are ways to check if your relationship is commitment ready. Marriage can be considered a legal status you enter to define your legal standing with another individual. Before you get married, sign up for marital coaching. Monogamy is a term to describe a dynamic where you have sex with only one particular person and refuse to have sex with others. Learn the basics of monogamy and non-monogamy. The issue with these particular words is that people may directly associate a word on the above list to be the equivalent of one, or more, of the others words. Even though we can define each word differently, we may make emotional connections with these particular words that cause us to substitute one word on the list for the other words. For example, a person may feel that marriage is the exact same thing as monogamy. A person may feel that having sex with someone means having someone's love. A person may even feel that simply dating someone for a few casual coffee dates automatically implies a deep commitment. A person may assume that the more lusty attraction they feel for someone, the more they are in love with that person. This is what makes these certain 7 words intriguingly weird. These words, which intellectually can be understood to be clear and separate, get muddled through multiple shades of gray on deeper emotional levels. It is the realistic person that does not assume commitment when dating, until that commitment is earned and publicly stated. It is the emotionally mature lover that grasps that having sex or lust for someone is not necessarily an expression of any loving attachment beyond the attraction nor physical act. It is the millions of happily married couples in the swinger lifestyle who will attest that being married does not equate monogamy. The understanding that each of these words is unique and separate from the other words is a key ingredient to the beginning stages of getting your love life in order. It is a part of the self-actualization process and achieving clarity in relationships that a person must come to terms that each word does not mean exactly the same thing as any of those other words. One of the best ways to fully grasp this first step concept is to ask yourself if you can experience any one of those terms, without experiencing any other of those terms. For example, is it possible to be in a marriage that is devoid of lust, love, sex, having dated, commitment, or monogamy? The answer of course is yes. There are loveless marriages, sexless marriages, arranged marriages that never involved dating, marriages of convenience where the couple are married but simply are not commitment to each other beyond some kind of materialist exchange, and there are married couples that are non-monogamous where the couple, individually or together as a couple, engage in open consensual sex with other people. This is not about infidelity nor cheating, as there is neither deception nor lying, as both partners of the couple are involved and consenting in the extra-marital sex. Marriage can exist completely independently of all those other terms. This is an example of the clarity that is required to properly handle your relationship mismanagement behaviors. If you want to fully figure out where you might be making incorrect word associations when it comes to your relationship expectations, go through each word and write out if the one word could exist without any of the other words in association. This exercise can be a revelation to some people, and reality shattering for others. You must never assume that other people will interpret those 7 words the same way you do; that is what makes them weird. These words are some of the most commonly misunderstood words when wrangling with relationships, and at the same time these are the same words that are significantly used in correlations to define what is a relationship. If you want to learn more about how to understand and master your dating and relationship skills: Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video
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What is a Relationship?
By Frank Kermit Over the years, I have been asked a number of times "What is a Relationship?" This is a harder question to answer than most people think. In my experience, everyone has a different idea and definition of what a relationship is, because we all have different expectations of what it means to be in, and have, the relationship we have always wanted. Part of my job as a coach is not to tell a person what a relationship is, but to help that person figure out their own definition of what a relationship is for themselves by having them identify and come to terms with their expectations (realistic and non-realistic), boundaries and the kind of lifestyle that they can handle. So, defining what a relationship is, is not easy. What is doable is defining what a relationship is not. In eliminating what a relationship is not, it helps people figure out what a relationship actually is or more specifically, what a relationship is in their informed opinion. An additional step in understanding what a relationship is, is coming to terms with the idea that just having a relationship is not enough. It must be a relationship that is on some level emotionally healthy, which addresses your particular healthy emotional needs. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship, but that alone does not make it something to seek out and stay in -just because- it is a relationship. A relationship is not an unconditional love where everything is forgiven and tolerated even if it crosses your personal boundaries and violates your emotional needs. A relationship with someone who treats you in a manner that hurts you (physically, mentally or emotionally) that is not a healthy relationship. Just because you love someone, does not mean you accept behavior that hurts you. That kind of unconditional love is not for your relationship partner. Reserve that kind of love for your children. Even then, unconditional love does not supersede the need for tough love that all children require to become contributing members to society. Healthy unconditional love means that although you will still love someone regardless of what they do, you MUST continue to communicate clearly what you will and will not accept in terms of how you are to be treated and enforce your personal boundaries. You can still love someone unconditionally even when you break up. It is not about how you feel...that is just one aspect of the whole picture of a relationship. The beautiful part is that you always have the power to design whatever scene on the canvas of your life for your relationships to reflect. A relationship is not unconditional-and-all-accepting-love, because when unconditional love is taken to an extreme it defies (not defines) what an emotionally healthy relationship can be for a person. It is just like forgiveness does not mean you give someone a chance to enter into a repeating behavior pattern to hurt you again and again; you forgive someone as a means for YOU to find closure, and not solely to heal the other person. If you are struggling to decide what a relationship is, that is OK. You are just like the rest of us. That answer will come in the time it takes for you to know yourself and accept your self-actualization. In the meantime, start by identifying your personal parameters about what a relationship is not to begin your journey on the road to relationship recovery. Learn more about self awareness and self actualization by checking out the coaching workbooks For Men: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB WORKBOOK EBOOK For Women: I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK Learn the Complete The Emotional Needs Mastery System Check out the Benefits of COACHING Video This is a contributed post. Embarking on a new relationship is always exciting. But, it can also lead to anxiety. You don’t know the other person yet, so it’s easy to misinterpret their actions and intentions. Through all the excitement, you may start feeling you don’t know where you stand. You may worry that the other person isn’t on the same page as you. And, you can’t ask without putting undue pressure on things. Besides, what’s to say they wouldn’t lie? If the other person lets you down or acts in a way you don't understand, it might be a sign that things aren't right. If you’re worried that falling in love is about to fall apart, it’s important you keep your head about you. But, how can you do that? Start by thinking about whether your expectations are leading to disappointments. If the issue is that he keeps standing you up, or doesn’t message for weeks on end, your suspicions may be right. But, if your disappointments are more abstract, it may be a case of expectation getting in the way. In a world filled with love stories, it’s normal to have certain expectations. But, remember that love doesn’t work like it does in the movies. Things aren’t that straight cut. He may not shower you with affection or buy you expensive jewelry, but that doesn’t mean he’s not into you. It’s also important to note that things don’t always move as fast as they do on television or films. Don’t worry if he takes a while to tell you he loves you. Real love takes a while to blossom. On average, most couples don’t get to that stage until 4-6 months into the relationship. It’s also important to untangle your feelings. Falling in love can be a confusing experience. That in itself can lead to misunderstanding. If you’re picking holes in your guy, it might be that you don’t feel the way you think you do. At the same time, if you’re too involved, you may become confused because he isn’t acting the same. In short, love can stop you from seeing things clearly. If you think that may be happening, turn to outside sources. Even if you don’t believe in horoscopes, take a look at pisces love information, or whatever your star sign is. The important thing here is to take note of how you react to what you read. If you jump on negative predictions, it's time to think about whether the relationship is worth pursuing. If you already expect the worst, there may not be a future for this guy. For the most part, the best way to decide whether a relationship is moving in the right direction is to listen to your heart. If you treat love like a checklist, you’re going to encounter problems. Every relationship is different because we are all different. Forget timelines and ideas of love. If this guy makes you feel good, he might be a keeper, irrelevant of how many boxes he ticks When To Listen To Your Heart By Frank Kermit Some time ago, a client whose love life was a little messed up, asked me why it was so, given that she always listened to her heart. After all, isn’t that what people are supposed to do when it comes to romance relationships? Isn’t listening to your heart the best way to find the correct and clear answers? In my experience, the only honest response I could offer her was, “Well, it depends.” The notion that a person’s heart will always lead them to what is best for them is a wonderful idea. In practicality however, it is nothing more than an intellectual construct. Not because the heart of a person would not know, but because it depends on what that heart happens to already know. Just because something feels right, does not make it the right choice to make, if your heart hasn’t learned what is in your actual best interest. The heart wants what it wants. Just like a child that has yet to mature, and allow for life experience to take effect, to gradually teach the child (and the heart of a child) about what it should want for itself. Basically, if your heart wants something that is actually the worst possible choice for you, your heart might not share that little secret, because your heart just does not know any better. With that said, there are times when what your heart is telling you simply cannot be neglected. If your heart does not tell you directly, it may signal something to you intuitively. That gnawing feeling that there is something you have to acknowledge, even if you are unable to articulate it. That kind of instinct can, when properly active, lead you to where you were meant to be. However, even if your heart intuition happens to be correct in one area of your life, for example, a career decision, an educational path, your health management, or the choice of a life partner and future parent of your children, does not automatically mean that your heart can guide you in any other particular area. No matter what your particular expertise and where you happen to have succeeded previously listening to your heart, it is not necessarily an indication that your heart knows best for the other areas of your life. The best indicator of whether or not you should listen to your heart is your heart’s past performance in that particular area of your life. If your heart has always guided you well in financial areas in the past, you have evidence that you can likely trust your heart to guide you in the near future. If your heart has led you astray in your quest to find a loving relationship and stable commitment partner, then that is the tell tale sign that listening to your heart could be the last thing you should do at this point in time. If you struggle to know when to listen to your heart, Check out The Benefits of Frank Coaching and Sign Up! If you just want to buy the Coaching Workbooks, check out these links: I'M A MAN THAT'S MY JOB I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME #listentoyourheart @emotionalneeds #quotes #aboutlastnight #cy #cynights #behappy #beyourself #loveyourselffirst #dowhatyoulove #bereal #neverregret #blackoutfit #2BaBetterman #lonewolf #beatall #life #ignorecrap #failurenotanoption #innervoice #emptyroom #becalm #builtyouself #quotestoliveby #mentalhealth
Are Relationships Worth The Risk?
By Frank Kermit Given that there is so much risk in getting involved in relationships, or having sex for that matter, is it at all worth it to even bother? After all, a broken heart hurts, you could catch a sexual transmitted infection, you could end up ruining your life if you choose the wrong person, and your financial situation could be massive destroyed through a nasty divorce. So why try? I will give you three reasons to try. 1-dating and relationships teach you about yourself. Everyone has lots of theory about what they want in a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of that theory is just that; theory. It may not be until a person gets what they want to realize it was not really for them to begin with. It is important to get as much relationship experience as you can, so that you will learn about what you really can and cannot handle. This will give you the self-knowledge you will need to make a long-term relationship succeed when you get there. 2- you risk getting into relationships because you WILL make mistakes. In my practice I have found a significant correlation with people who refuse to take relationship related risks and people who have an unrealistic expectation that they need to be perfect. Perfectionists are under such pressure to be perfect, it goes to the point that they try to control every single element in their life, and anything they have no control over (like another human being they could be involved with), the perfectionists find every reason to not even bother trying. The need of being perfect is rooted in fear...the fear of not having control over the outcome. That causes more inaction through loss of time in trying to be over-prepared. Action beats out perfectionist-type-preparation when it comes to relationships. When starting out with dating, whether you are an inexperienced adult, or newly single after the end of a long term relationship, it is important to date as much as you can, and give everyone that shows interest in you a chance to sweep you off your feet. That is how you learn, because it is in dating that you make the mistakes you learn from, in order to know better for every future relationship risk you try again. I find this is common among the adult virgin population that sometimes seeks my coaching. 3-Because without some risk in life, you have no life. There is a wonderful scene from the movie Mambo Italiano. The main character at the age of 27 is trying to decide if he should break from family tradition and move out on his own unmarried (an insult to the parents in that culture), or stay living with his parents who treat like a child. The main character is a closet homosexual, so he will never be in a position to move out of his parent's home due to a heterosexual marriage. As he is debating whether or not he should take such a risk of striking out on his own so that he can (in part) explore potential relationship prospects, he thinks about an image of his neighbor. There sitting on the porch is Massimo, a 69 year old man still living with his parents who are in their 90s. We see evidence that the parents of the old man have continued to treat their 69-year-old son, like a teenager. That old man never had a girlfriend (nor boyfriend as the case may be). He never moved out on his own. He never had a life of his own. Yes, he never got divorced, or made a mistake related to love, sex, dating and relationships...but he also never lived a full life. He just coasted through it. And that is the final reason that the risk of relationships is worth it. Never taking risks in life means you never get to live the experiences that life has to offer. You can be safe. You can survive. And you will never suffer the hardships of when risks do not work out. However, you also will never share in some of the great experiences that life has to offer either. You will never experience self actualization, you will never discover what it is to own your own life, you may not even be able to relate to the people around you that do take risks with relationships and finally you will never experience the kind of intimate love that can only result from the willingness to risk. What is that worth to you? Only you know. If you are Scared of Dating, Check Out The Benefits of Frank Coaching! To buy the Ebooks, click below: 25 RULES FOR EVERYONE- HOW TO ACT ON A FIRST DATE 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY 5 TIPS FOR DATING A MALE PORN STAR
by Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy Gather 'round, good people! Ladies, women, girls (over 18!) and all femme-identified individuals in the world that have this dream: I can show & tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a male porn star! Are you sick of throwing up in your mouth a little bit every time you listen to the opinions and thoughts of the average man trying to pick you up at the bar or in the club? Are you fed up with being catcalled and wolf-whistled when you walk down the street or go to the mall? Are you infuriated by the overwhelming mountain of obnoxious and offensive texts and emails you get every day in your Plenty of Fish/OKCupid/Tinder/Facebook/online profile, and you're just about ready to delete every account and picture you ever put on the internet? Well, don't do it just yet, please! Yes, I know: the state of modern men is outright dangerous to erotically engage with at worst, if not rather atrocious, depressing, uninspiring, and downright frustrating at best. Dating is a disaster zone where few people escape with their heart and happiness intact, and courtship rituals in Western civilization have drastically decomposed since the days of cowboys and dainty misses, where a man could not even speak to a woman in public if he had not been formally introduced to her, or she didn't wave him over with one of the many signals she possessed in her arousal arsenal, whether it be fanning her face rapidly, or dropping her handkerchief demurely. In 2017, the male courtship ritual might consist of sending a dick pic and a "I'm ready, u up?" text message at 2:13 AM to any woman he can! But, (pardon to use a cliche) NOT ALL MEN are guilty of such callous, selfish and dysfunctional relationship-building behaviour! I, Adhimu Stewart, am a Canadian feminist porn actor, and Professional Love Maker. I have sex with women on camera, and with people for their private fantasies off-camera, too! So, let me tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a porn star (in the making), for those who are curious! Sexy Revelations: 1) No two porn stars are exactly alike, therefore no two relationships with porn stars will be alike. Some porn stars specialize in penis size, muscles, domination, team-sex scenes, rough talk & action, or romantic, story-telling driven vignettes. And who he is on camera may only be a percentage of who he is off-camera! I know that there are things I do privately that I have chosen not to do sexually and publicly, for my own reasons. Every man may be the same, to a lower or higher degree. Will he want different sex with you than he has at work? Probably. Will you want to have a personalized experience with a porn star at home? Maybe it can happen! This may be one of the perks to dating a porn star. And this is what is called: a BENEFIT. Such as the benefits of bliss I felt when I recently made love to a ballerina!! So, yes. It will probably be quite different than any other relationship you have ever had. His average day will probably consist of him being naked, if not him having sex with someone, if not more than one person... so there's that. 2) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Have you ever played hockey with an NHL player? Ever played basketball with an NBA star? Hell, have you ever played tennis with a Wimbledon champion? The experience is guaranteed to be something more intense than just playing a little pick-up game with your neighbors. Your sex, your conversations about sexual boundaries, your understanding of possible relationships, even your every day little interactions are probably going to be much more extreme than usual. I consider myself a sexual athlete, and I like to work up a sweat when I throw down in the bedroom (or bathroom, or living room, or...) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Know yourself, and what you can handle. And if you want to take yourself beyond the limits you've felt with all previous men... then buckle up, and get ready to feel fantasy on a deeper level than you've ever known... Overtime in Game 7 of the Playoffs type magic! 3) It could become high-profile, even when you think you're low-key. I was walking with a lover to an event we had planned on attending together, and within 5 minutes, I had seen three different people from different places and circles of connection. My partner at the time was like "You are so popular! Is there ever a day when it's not like this for you? Can you go anywhere and be alone?" To which I replied "Not really!" So, being with someone that does porn MIGHT reduce your public incognito possibilities, if you are walking around with them. If they are very famous, you may get your own fame just by social media association. As we neared this event, I actually was tangled between three different lovers/former lovers/possible lovers all at once in the same subway station! I introduced them all to each other, and then laughed. #pornlife 4) Do you care what people think? It's one thing to have your privacy threshold reduced... but it's another thing to be exposed to more popularity for dating a porn star, and NOT be comfortable with it! There are levels to this biz. Do you care if your parents know? Do you care what your boss thinks? Do you mind if your drinking and smoking buddies are privy to this info? Does it matter to your extended family if you are dating someone "like that"? I'm not a fool. I am a lucky guy and I'm a evolved intellectual as well. I know most parents wouldn't be completely and totally comfortable with their daughter bringing home a porn star and saying "Mom and Dad, meet Malcolm Lovejoy! Yes, he is a nice guy. Where does he work? Oh, you can see his work online!" We are not living in a society that enlightened as yet, but I'm working on getting everyone there (have you seen my work? I'm not ashamed of it at all! But, I digress.) If you care what people think about your relationship, whether it's your parents or your friends on Facebook, then you will have to work that out internally, if your happiness is worth public judgement (hint: IT ALWAYS IS. But that's for you to choose...) 5) Are you the jealous type of girlfriend? Because if you are, your future with someone who has sex with other people for a living, then... you either are going to have to get REALLY GOOD at turning a blind eye and ear to where your boyfriend was all day yesterday or last night, or start accepting that maybe, just maybe, sex can be like any and every other human interaction humanity conducts every day. There is no reason that porn stars can't be treated like a gynecologist treats their patients or actors treat their co-stars. Porn is a job, and it is very possible (actually, it's pretty necessary and vital) to leave work at work when you go home at the end of the day of shooting porn. I don't have any on-going relationships with any of the lovely women I have shot porn with in the last 6 months. We are friends, and I may spend time with them in other ways, which is nice, but I don't mix business and pleasure in that way too often. I'd like to with a few porn stars, but I understand why many don't. It gets complicated, but it it manageable if you are honest. Every question a lover wants to know about my porn life, I will tell her only one answer: the truth. I have nothing to hide. I show my most recent STI tests to anyone that wants to know if I'm clean. I admit whether I shot a scene with or without condoms. Some days on a porn set don't even involve any penis-in-vagina sex! So, you never know what kind of day it will be, thus the jealousy can be taken apart through moment-to-moment scenarios. I'm coming home to you, and I'm not lying to you about anything I've done, so I promise to stay faithful to giving you love, passion, friendship, trust, joy and honesty. And TRUST ME, there are FEW things more sexy than being together with your partner and watching a porn movie they made... then getting inspired by it to do your own hot sexy stuff right after watching it! That's just the tip of the iceberg of being with a porn star. But I'm not your average porn star, so smile mileage may vary. If you want to know more, just ask me! Email: mindbendersupreme@gmail.com Twitter: mindbendermind Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy In Love and Joy, Malcolm aka Adhimu Stewart "Malcolm Lovejoy is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by..." The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit Whether you are totally single, sort-of-dating someone, or in a serious committed relationship, there are some Do’s and Don’ts that everyone can observe to make Valentine’s Day a better experience for all. The Top 10 Ten Do’s: 1-Do tell your partner what you want If there is something that you want to happen on Valentine’s Day, then Do tell your partner what it is. Forget about dropping hints or hoping they will surprise you with exactly what you were thinking of. If you have something specific in mind, say so. 2-Do show appreciation and be grateful If your partner does something big, or does something not as big as you may have thought, be sure to show appreciation for any efforts that anyone tries in order to make your Valentine’s special. 3- Do something for your partner It is a good idea to do something for your partner on Valentine’s. It does not have to be extravagant. In an ideal world, couples would not need to rely on a holiday to be reminded to show some love to one another; couples should be doing it regularly. However, if you are going to show some love eventually, you may as well on Valentine’s. 4- Do give someone a chance that asks you out If you are single and someone takes a chance on Valentine’s to ask you out on a date, give that person a chance and say yes to one date. Even if that person is not your type. That person was thinking about you on Valentine’s when no one else was, and that alone is reason enough to earn just one date. 5- Do make it a special day if you feel it is right If it is your first Valentine’s together, you may feel that it is right to make a big deal of it and that is OK as long as you both agree. For example, both of you taking the day off of work to spend it together might be something fun and adventurous. 6-Do make the effort to give your partner what your partner asks for If your partner asks for a card, give your partner a card. If your partner asks for you to read from a book of love-poetry, then give your partner what is asked of you. Giving what you want makes you happy, but giving someone what they want makes your partner happy. 7-Do try something new Valentine’s can be adventurous if you make the most of the holiday by trying something new with your partner that you have never tried before. It could be a new restaurant, or checking out a new movie that neither of you have seen. Be open to trying something new that you know your partner really enjoys. 8-Do Respect your Partner’s Boundaries It is easy to get caught up in our own ideas of what would be great to do on Valentine’s, but it is important that you respect any and all of your partner’s boundaries. If your partner is not comfortable doing something, it needs to be off the list of possibilities for the two of you. 9-Do Go OUT if you are alone on Valentine’s If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, go outside, or to an event. It is a great time to meet new people that are also single on Valentine’s Day who may be in the same situation you are. Staying at home to avoid people, will only keep you alone. 10-Do be happy for people that enjoy celebrating Valentine’s If you know people that are excited about celebrating Valentine’s, be happy for them. Just because it may not be your thing, does not mean you should ruin it for anyone else. The Top 10 Don’ts 1-Do NOT Confess your undying love for your best friend This only works if your friend already likes you back, or if your friend is open minded enough to give you a chance. Otherwise, all this does is put way too much pressure on your friend, and might creep out the person you are trying to win over. It is best to invite that person out on a date, rather than confess long drawn out feelings. 2-Do NOT try to make your partner feel guilty Just because it is Valentine’s Day and you want something specific to happen, do not try to guilt your partner into doing something your partner is not really interested in doing. There is no saying: “If you really love me you will.” In fact, if you really love your partner, you would let it go, and not try to guilt the person. 3-Do NOT break up with someone just because it is Valentine’s Valentine’s day is a day of reflection for many people, and lots of people break up with their partners on V-day. If you are planning to break up with someone, do it BEFORE Valentine’s day to give you both a chance to meet someone new. Do NOT break up ON Valentine’s Day. 4-Do NOT ignore Valentine’s Day It does happen when you may not be able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you like. If you and your partner end up missing each other on the actual date (work schedules, travel, etc…) be sure to celebrate the sentiment of the day on another day before or after the fact. It is one thing to ignore the specific date; it is another thing to ignore your partner’s needs 5-Do NOT limit yourself to celebrating Valentine’s for only romantic connections Although Valentine’s day is USUALLY associated with romantic love, be sure to also think about those people who are important to you that you love, in non-romantic ways, and to remind those people that they are important to you. (For example, buying flowers for your mother is perfectly acceptable on Valentine’s Day). 6- Do NOT go above the agreed upon budget As sweet as it might be to overspend on your sweetie, this could backfire in lots of ways. First, it may create resentment or feelings of unease for the person who spent less because of the pressure to make up the difference in other ways. Not a good place to be emotionally. Second, it sets a bad precedent for next year if you are still together. 7- Do Not Act Bitter If you are Bitter about how your love life is going, acting bitter about it on Valentine’s is NOT going to solve the problem. If you are unhappy, have a look at the choices you have made that landed you in the situation you are in. Then consider your options and make better choices so that you can plan for a better Valentine’s next year. 8- Do NOT Bash what you hate about dating and relationships Some people like to list everything they hate about dating and relationships to feel better about being single. There are some positive and negatives in all things, in all situations. Even if there are some trade offs in dating and relationships, that does not make being single “better”. They are just different. If you are happy being single, then focus on what is positive about being single, not what you think is negative about not dating and relationships. See the difference? 9- Do NOT get caught up in the marketing How you celebrate Valentine’s is between you and your partner, and neither of you needs to feel that you have to keep up with anyone else you know. If the two of you feel fine to spend it quietly and inexpensively, that is OK. If you both want to go all out, that is OK too. Just do it because you want to do it, not because you feel pressured to keep up with the marketing. 10. Do NOT have unreasonable expectations Unreasonable expectations of you, of your partner, and of what Valentine’s can be for you as a couple is the kiss of death to some relationships. Valentine’s day will do no more and no less than what you are both capable of as a couple. Do not assume that amazing things will happen JUST because it is Valentine’s Day, especially if you haven’t taken any actions ahead of time to ensure that something special happens. Check out Frank's Ebooks: 25 RULES FOR EVERYONE- HOW TO ACT ON A FIRST DATE and 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY What To Expect When You're Dating An Equestrian
by Nancy Smythe So you've met someone you'd like to date and they are into equestrian sports. Here's a bit of what to expect and a few hints to help you as you start off the relationship. When a person owns a horse or rides regularly then horses are more than just a hobby..they are a lifestyle. Horses require a lot of exercise and are an investment not only in money but time regardless of whether the person competes or not. Being an equestrian is in the blood, it is part of who we are. As with any passion, it is an important part of that person's identity and a great deal of time will be devoted to horsey activities. Equestrian sports are the only sports where men and women compete against each other on equal footing. That said, the majority of participants are women and most barns are strongly women majority so guys, take note! There are many single women who you haven't met yet because they are at the barn instead of the bar. One way to gain an idea of what you are getting into is to take a few riding lessons yourself (preferably at a recognized riding school listed with your provincial or state equestrian association). Most riding schools offer package deals for a series of lessons where you will learn to safely handle a horse, put the equipment on, basic riding skills as well as the basic terms. Even if you have no intention of continuing to ride, this will come in handy when you go to the barn with your new partner. You'll be able to participate instead of being a passive bystander. Be fully prepared to expect the following: -The average time spent at a barn per visit is 2-3 hours. Many horse owners go to the barn at least 4-6 days per week. Asking a rider to limit their time at the barn is unrealistic. Never, ever issue an ultimatum to choose you or the horse. You will lose (see the part above where I refer to lifestyle, passion and part of our identity). Asking an equestrian to choose is basically asking them to suppress part of who they are..in other words you'd be rejecting a part of them. -Riders will frequently be late. Horses are living animals and as such are a bit unpredictable. Even a quick stop at the barn can easily turn into a several hour affair if something has gone awry. This is normal and will happen. Dinner plans may frequently be altered at the last minute. -An equestrian has no problem going to do the groceries or other errands on the way back from the barn, covered in dust, hair and a fair amount of horse slobber. Their car probably is full of the same as well. If dirt and odours offend you then you're totally out of luck. -If your new partner competes, then expect that they will be spending some weekends (or weeks if they compete at higher levels) out of town. Again, if you have taken the time to get familiar with handling horses this may give you an opportunity to participate instead of feeling like you're in the way. -You don't have to spend every moment at the barn with your new partner (in fact trying to do so probably isn't a good idea) but if you are able to go when invited and be comfortable in the environment then you definitely have an advantage over the guy who isn't. The upside of all this is that equestrians generally understand long term commitment. Spending a lot of time with horses teaches us empathy, dedication and perseverance. All good qualities to have in a potential partner. And who knows? You may just discover a new passion as well. Check Out Nancy's previous article on Horse Back Riding For a First Date Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills. To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook A Poly Date For Valentine’s Day
By Frank Kermit A Poly Date is when you go on a date with more than one person. Whereas a date is traditionally considered to be only between two people, a Poly Date is when 3 or more people all get together with the intent of carrying out a romantic date. An old mentor of mine used to say that if you openly date more than one person at the same time, be very wary of Valentine’s Day. The mentor told me that it was a day that caused the break ups of all the relationships you were in, except the one you made plans with way ahead of time, as all your other partners will feel neglected that you did not choose them. I asked the mentor what was the best way to handle it? The old mentor told me to try to be out of town for that day to avoid it. I did not like that idea. Why try to hide and manipulate anyone? Why would it offend anyone if you were honest about dating non-exclusively? I decided that if I ever got to that point of openly dating more than one person at the same time, and Valentine’s Day came upon us, that I wanted to try something new. One year I did just that when I was casually seeing two girlfriends during a period of my life when I practiced consensual non-monogamy. Both knew that the other relationship existed and they both agreed to continue to date me. I had been honest about my non-monogamous lifestyle from the first date. I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with both of them. I did not want to choose one over the other. I liked them both. So I did the opposite of what my mentor suggested. I was honest with both of them and invited them both to spend the whole day together. They agreed! None of us at the time had ever tried anything like this before. Both my girlfriends had previously only ever practiced monogamous relationships, while I had only practiced non-monogamy for a few years, but never had a poly date. Also note that neither of my girlfriends had previously met before. When I asked each girlfriend why she agreed to try it, they both said (among other things) that the novelty of the experience was a huge factor. Having never tried it, it was a new experience they were open too. The evening included a reservation at a nice restaurant in which I instructed the establishment to please set a table for three with the plates in a triangular placement. Given that it was Valentine’s Day, and that only couples filled up the restaurant, the three of us were getting quite a bit of attention that night (Especially from the restaurant staff). I played chauffeur while the two of them sat in the back seat together to get to know each other a little better. Then the three of us headed to a second location, a large high-end multi-level sex shop where they could use up their Valentine’s Day gift cards I had given each of them. While perusing the shop, I got to spend a little time alone with each of them. Finally, I took all three of us back to my place where we collaborated cutting fruit for chocolate fondue. It was a groundbreaking experience for me, and I made sure to tell both my girlfriends this and thanked them for being so open-minded. At one point the three of us were walking on the street arm and arm (and arm), a girlfriend on each side with me in the middle. There was no greater feeling. It put a smile on my face. Simple-total-pleasure. I really liked both these women and if things had gone a little differently I really do think I could have married either one, or even attempted an ongoing triad relationship. But life had other plans for the three of us. That Valentine’s Day was like no other for me personally. It was one of the most peaceful, endearing, healing, life changing, monumental, loving moments that I will treasure in memory for the rest of my life. At the time that it happened, I had NEVER had a good V-Day. Never. Until that moment in time, V-Day was the day that I either got dumped, had to end it with someone, or found myself alone. Since that time, I had more poly dates during the period when I practiced consensual non-monogamy, and have also had even better Valentine’s Days. My first Poly Date was a good experience, but not every Poly Date is going to go as smoothly. If you do attempt a Poly Date, here are a few things to keep in mind. Although the Kinsey Institute did a study that found that about 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime, that does not mean everyone you suggest it to is going to like the idea. In fact, many of the people you may ask out for a Poly Date might completely refuse to ever date you at all just for suggesting it. It is not for everyone, and if you intend to make it part of a regular lifestyle, you will likely find that some people are very against the entire concept. Some people, including family and friends, may even completely abandon you for wanting a non-monogamous lifestyle. In cases where you do find someone willing to take part in a Poly Date (whether it is bringing a third person to go out with an already established couple, three or more people that all share a common partner or two, or couples-dating-couples for an adventure of swapping partners) that does not mean that the dates will go where you might want them too. Dating with only two people involved, is a mesh of chemistry, compatibility, and balancing boundaries with expectations; it can be more challenging the more people you involve. At times, it can work out nicely, and other times, personalities clash, conflicts erupt between paramours of partners, and the whole experience can blow up in your face, and even cost you the very relationships you were trying to expand upon. For example, the two people you brought together for your Poly Date might like each other more than they like you, and they become a couple and dump you at the end of the night. Ouch! So, if the risks are high and the chances of it working out are even more challenging than traditional dating, then why I am even telling you about it? I am sharing my experiences with you because I learned a lot from my experiences with Poly Dates. It changed the way I see all relationships. It made me a believer about the possibilities that can exist between any two people (or more as the case may be). It made me a believer that people can build their own unique relationship structures that best suit them, and that if they are willing to risk rejection; they can and will find people to have those unique relationship structures with. Not because any of it is easy. A relationship between only two people is not “easy”. You just have to be a believer that you can make your dating and relationship goals happen. That is why I am telling you about it. It takes a believer to turn a fantasy dream into every day life goals. Believe. To learn about the Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships which covers non-monogamous relationship structures: Click here to buy a copy of the Coaching Workbooks For Men : I'm a Man, That's My Job For Women : I'm a Woman, It's My Time To learn more about Frank's very first Poly Date, Click here to buy a copy of his autobiography: From Loser To Seducer To learn more about Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Couples in Transition, Click here to buy a copy of Frank Talks Articles: Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition To learn more about Non-Monogamy and Alternative Relationship Choices, Click here to buy an audio program:ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP CHOICES: Non-Monogamy To learn about how to date multiple women honestly, Click here to buy the ebook: THE POWER OF CHOICE: HOW TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN HONESTLY Age Gap Relationship aka May December Relationships are more and more common. Older men and Younger women, or older women and younger men, the stigmas are slowly slipping away. Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older, dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9 years older, or 20 years older or younger. Age Gap Relationships The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014 Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show. May-December, Age Gap Relationships Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview. Passion - Age Gap Relationships Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships |
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