The Power of the Yoga Community and the Drive-By Divorce By Carrie Joyner The main idea when I created my yoga and fitness studio was to build a community of like-minded people; people who loved yoga, people who wanted to get healthy and fit and strong…mind, body and soul. I had no idea how important this community would become to me until about 2 weeks after opening the doors and had just experienced a drive by divorce. If you have ever started or owned a business, you probably know how stressful it is. You bet it all on red, dedicate months or years (in my case it took about 2 years of planning, financing and finding the perfect location, location, location) to even get to the point where you could actually consider it being “in business”. Add on to that the end of a marriage that involved a 4 year old son, and it was a recipe for disaster. So what is a drive-by divorce? It’s getting a text from your husband asking you to come outside at lunch time. I told him to just come into the studio, I had a pole dancing class going on and wanted to make sure all went well. Then it’s getting another text saying “please, it’s really important…”, so I went outside. I was greeted by the black Mercedes SUV, opened the door, got in and found my now ex-husband staring at me with red eyes and tear stains on his custom fit Armani suit. He didn’t say much as he drove literally to the other end of the parking lot, where he parked the car and looked at me and said “You aren’t in love with me anymore, and I am not in love with you…we are getting a divorce.” Simple as that. The conversation was a bit of a blur. I remember it not being a conversation, more of a speech. I asked him what his next move was, and he said it was to go home and get his stuff. He was moving into a near-by hotel, it’s just over. My only concern at this point was not me, but our son. I said “What about Shane? What do we tell Shane?” “Nothing”, he said, “tell him I am on a business trip until I figure it out.” I got in my jeep and drove far, far away- not wanting my clients or staff to see me crying. I headed to my best friends house on auto-pilot. She wasn’t there, so I headed back to the studio and did a few more hours of work like a robot. I couldn’t think, move, feel….breathe. It was a sucker punch to the heart. I thought things were getting better, he said they were. Apparently not. The next few days were a blur. I was in shock but trying to act like things were normal for my son, who was totally out of the loop. Every morning I woke up, took my son to daycare, went to the studio and tried to get through the day. Working on and at the studio proved to be the perfect distraction. I was an open door kind of girl, and anyone- staff, client, teacher, etc. knew that they could always pop in and say hi or talk to me. This revolving door of mostly females became my tribe. Literally. I would tell them what was going on if they had the intuition or inclination to ask, and I would repeat the story a million times over. Not only did I find women who had been through the same or a similar situation and even some men, but I found a sounding board and it became like therapy to me. Between emotionally fuelled lawyer visits to trying to be zen and teaching my yoga classes, my studio became more than a studio. It became my happy place. When we were under construction, I wanted a big executive office in the back room with cameras and an intercom-but I ended up putting my tiny desk in a tiny closet right off the lounge and reception area, so I actually sacrificed luxury for the benefit of hearing every conversation, every client at the desk and being 10 feet away from my staff at any given time. Which leads me to Merissa. I heard a woman freaking out at the desk about a canceled Pilates class. We used Mind Body software, which allowed us to see who had registered for what class, so if there was a cancellation for whatever reason, we could contact them to notify them of the cancellation. She did not register, but showed up at the “regular” time and was livid that the class had been cancelled. I think the teacher was sick and we couldn’t find a sub. Whatever the case was, I decided to go out and talk to her. I asked her if she wanted some tea. We sat in the lounge and sipped on tea as she vented about how far she’d come expecting to do her class and go home and make dinner. I apologized, things happen sometimes that are out of control. I guess she saw that I wasn’t my normal bubbly self and asked if I was alright. I said no, not really. I was a little overwhelmed with what had happened. I explained what I was going through and in the blink of an eye she went from an angry client to a person with the best words of advice I have yet to hear. She told me about one of her best friends who had been married to a pilot, and he did the same thing. In this case, there was another woman involved. What she told me next wouldn’t change my life, but it did change my outlook on everything. She said “the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your son. Get yourself into the best physical shape you have ever been in, focus on being happy and spoiling yourself. Don’t do this to make him feel bad, do it to make you feel amazing and not sit there thinking about the why’s and the poor me’s.” This did not make everything better. It did not change the situation or my grieving process. But after Merissa, I talked to literally hundreds of women, of every age, who had similar stories. I stopped feeling like I was the only person this had ever happened to. I started to let go of the blame and anger and I started to feel really, really connected to every person who walked through my doors. We all have a story. We do. Once we learn to embrace the fact that everyone is going through, has gone through, or will go through a life altering struggle- we become one. That community that I started building became my pillar of strength in a trying time. They say everything happens for a reason. I believe it. -Carrie Joyner P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.
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How To Convince My Spouse To Become BDSM By Master Pierre One question that is asked more and more is: "How do I convince my spouse to get into BDSM ?" The first few times we received that question, it was from submissive men wanting to convince their wives to become their Domme. But lately, we had that question from women wanting their husbands to become BDSM player as Dom or submissive. The answer we give all of them is the same. The need for BDSM is personal and cannot be "taught". People within the BDSM lifestyle usually had to evolve toward what they are in BDSM and to learn about their own needs. Trying to "make" someone who has no BDSM interest whatsoever into a Dom, Top, Bottom, submissive (what have you) is nearly impossible.
Often, during BDSM events, we meet people, men and women, that have a vanilla spouse that cannot satisfy their BDSM needs, but are their life partner with whom they are very much in love. These people go "outside" their relationship to find a partner for their "other" needs and they do this with the acceptance of their spouse. How do they do it? They negotiate the limits of what they can do with their spouse.
BDSM is based on a consensual relationship. To force someone to become involved in BDSM is NOT consensual and will create huge tensions within the couple. It is widely known that during a public party, if you approach somebody new to play with, if that person says no, no means no and you must not insist. The same goes for your spouse, if they say no, no means no.
AUTHOR BIO: The BDSM Circle is led by Pierre and Catharine. They live as a couple with values that include Domination and Submission as way of life for them. Pierre is a Dominant while Catharine also a Dominant is aka "Katy" who is Pierre`s Submissive; and together they oversea a small group of Submissives. They also have a bilingual website called BDSMCircle.com. Catharine and Pierre are featured as part of the 2004 season of the award winning television series KINK. Today they are featured on CJAD 800 AM radio on the Dr Laurie Betito show monthly feature 50 shades of passion. Learn more about them at their website http://www.bdsmcircle.net/ Below is a youtube video of an interview Frank Kermit did many years ago with The BDSM Circle P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Day Of The Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit There are no personal days There are no sick days There are no recovery days There are no bereavement days There are no fun days There are no “me” days There are no vacation days There are no off days There are no days off There are no special days There are no holidays There are no family days There are no birthdays There are no wedding days There are no funeral days There are no Mondays There are no Fridays There are no weekdays There are no weak days There are no long weekends There are no weekends There are no mornings There are no afternoons There are no evenings There are no late nights There are no overnights There are no happy days There are no yesterdays There are no good ole days There is no tomorrow There is only TODAY Just a day when you either Get to work so you can get-to-work Or a day you do not get to work Until ONE DAY Everyday becomes A Personal Day And that is THE DAY Of The Entrepreneur by Frank Kermit The importance of continuing to show your love is highlighted in this contributed post. Most of life is very simple. We’re born, we love, we laugh, we cry, we die. When you make it easy, life is simply those steps and along every step, love is the central theme. We are born into love. We are taught to grow in love before we fall in love ourselves, and it’s the most beautiful emotion. Life may be simple, but love is not. Love is the most complicated emotion in the human spectrum of emotions. We all crave it, we all seek it and for the most part, we cherish it once we have it. It comes from different places: children, partners and parents, and it means different things to everyone. Falling in love for the first time is one of the most meaningful experience you’ll ever have. The relationships that we have shape who we are as people and even when you think a short relationship doesn’t matter, there’s always an impact. You have to make love count where you can and live it in the moment rather than dismiss it from life, or you can end up becoming cynical about it. When you think back to the start of your relationship, you probably remember the fun. The sparks that flew, the dates you went on and the fizz in your stomach when they smiled at you are all memorable dating moments. Relationships do go stale and boring as time goes on; it’s an inevitability. But it comes from lack of effort. They only become boring if both parties aren’t putting their absolute all into it. You can’t be gifted with a great love and allow it to rot – you need to nurture it and let it thrive between you. The effort has to come from both of you and if you make it spontaneous and exciting every day, you’ll have a love that counts. Making love last through the years depends on the way you treat it. See the best in the person you’re with – they’re not going to be perfect but looking at the good qualities that they have over the bad is going to end things far earlier than you may imagine. The one thing that’s different when time passes, is the effort that gets put in. There are plenty of ways that you can make an effort for your relationship and the tips available on www.mydatingsolutions.com are fantastic and can really help you with those early dating nerves. When you make love count in your relationship, you can keep that romance and passion alive. You don’t need to do huge gestures in your relationship, even the smallest gestures can be appreciated and cherished. Always be thoughtful with any gestures you make and be grateful for those that you also receive. You don’t have to be at the beginning of a relationship to have passion and romance. You can carry this throughout a whole relationship from beginning to whenever it ends – early or til death do you part! Did you know that one of the most important ways to show your love and affection is simply to listen? Listening is the cornerstone of any great, successful relationship and it’s not just the goals and the fun you should be paying attention to. Listen to the rants and the upset and the stresses they are experiencing. There’s nothing more romantic than someone who sits up and takes notice of you and your life. Get to know each other every day and keep things fresh. When the relationship is going a bit stale or boring – as they often do – don’t wait for it to fizzle out. Stand up and make your love count for you both. There are so many ways you can make love last in your life and having compassion is key. When you embark on a brand-new relationship, wooing is key. It’s not flowers, chocolates and dinners you need to use to woo them, but your humour and happiness and ability to show compassion. Understand their needs, be sympathetic to their desires and look for any way you can show them an act of kindness. If you’ve been married for several years, you can still show the person you love compassion and romance, and it’s even more important in a marriage. Making love last isn’t about the material things, it’s about how you can be your whole self with someone and how you can take notice of the little things. Sliding doors moments of relationships like these are the ones that count the most, such as companionably brushing teeth together before bed or making an effort to clear up a mess instead of pointing it out. Those moments are overlooked too often and they are the ones that people should be cherishing. Affection, passion and romance are all things that people crave with their love. Pay attention to their needs, make sure you kiss every day and make sure you spend time just laughing together. Laughter is the best thing for any relationship, new or old, to bloom. Older relationships grow into a mature love that doesn’t always need the fizz and bang of early relationship wonders, but there’s nothing wrong with having a little fizz! Mature love is usually diluted by children, jobs and distractions that secure your relationship but pull you apart romantically and make you forget those early days of passion. Rediscover them. Date each other all over again and do all the things you started out doing when you first fell in love.
You can make love count in thousands of ways, too many to list, and those ways all go hand in hand with effort for each other. If you want something to work, make it happen. If you want to fall in love again after a break up, make it happen. Put yourself out there and try hard for yourself. Love doesn’t just fall into our laps, it takes work and it’s wonderful and frustrating all at once. Once you’ve experienced it, it’s all you’ll crave. Make it count! Towards Polyamory? A Personal And Unfinished Journey By Ken Polyamory is a new term and concept for me. It has arisen in my consciousness as the result of an ongoing search for meaning in my life, and as a term that represents a new way of looking at relationships, commitment, fidelity, sexual freedom and personal values. For me it encompasses feelings of fear and insecurity, but also feelings of belonging, connectedness and liberation from old patterns and stifling conventionalities. I am thinking about polyamory, among a number of relationship options, as a viable and possibly joyful form of intimate engagement with others. First, a bit of background. I am a 64 year old gay man. I came out in my late 40s – a late bloomer by any definition. I had a good (sometimes very good) 27 year marriage with a loving woman, and together we raised two daughters. However (and I suppose this is “a tale as old as time”, as the song goes) there were increasingly protracted periods of depression and frustration as it became clearer to me that this identity was untenable, and I left my marriage. I set out on a new path. In the meantime, I retired and moved from Saskatchewan to my place of birth, Nova Scotia. Of course, leaving my identity in Saskatchewan as a heterosexual family man, as a worker and more recently as a member of a GLBTQ community, had its challenges and adaptations, but today I am in an almost 4 year relationship with a loving man. However, there are still stirrings of discontent and frustration. I am still on a journey of discovery, unpeeling layers of personal history - genetics, upbringing, the aging process - and within that context attempting to carve out a life that represents who I am. Who, in fact, am I, and what do I want? My partner and I introduced the idea of non-monogamy into our conversation about two years ago. In those two years we have experimented, including others in our sexual lives, both separately and as a couple. My partner wanted the experience of variety, and I wanted to find a less rigid and conventional means of expressing my sexuality. We have stopped and started this process a couple of times, due primarily to my discomfort. We have very different views about sex. For my partner, sex is sex, a recreational activity whose goal is mutual pleasure. Nothing more. It does not involve emotion or any level of commitment (other than the potential for FWB: Friends-with-benefits). For me, sex is about connection and belonging, intimacy and meaning. Sex is about love and friendship and commitment. So we come to polyamory, the concept of experiencing more than one intimate partner, of sharing lives in a deep and meaningful way with multiple participants, and of enlarging and engaging with one’s notion of relationship. For me this is a fraught process. The very idea of engaging intimately with someone other than one’s partner, and other than in fantasy, has been utterly foreign to me. The process of expanding my sexual contacts has pushed so many buttons – insecurity, confidence, value judgements, fear, anxiety, aging and sexual performance, abandonment, aloneness, jealousy, social censure. On the other hand, I firmly believe that we should never expect one person to satisfy all our needs – a huge responsibility to place on another’s shoulders, and an abrogation of our own responsibility for our own lives. This part of my personal journey, undertaken at a time when many people are questioning the meaning of their lives as they settle into old age, remains unfinished. In my worst moments, I feel a sense of extreme anxiety, and sadness and loss at the discarding of values and beliefs by which I was raised and to which I subscribed throughout my life. In my best moments I look forward with optimism and excitement to the expansion of possibilities in relationship and connection. Author Bio: Ken was born and raised in Nova Scotia, and after working in Western Canada for almost 30 years, retired and returned home to the Halifax area. He is a painter, gardener, reader and cat herder. Below are two youtube videos of interviews Frank Kermit was involved with regarding Polyamory
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Sex and the City 1998-2004- Girl talk for the ages Written by: Pillow Talk Gal If you are 25+ in age, you’ve probably seen at least one episode of this iconic show. Its appeal is undeniable and more often than not any viewer (male or female) walks away having learned something. Witty banter can involve sexually hot topics, fashion trends, designers and of course the ever popular theme throughout the series L-O-V-E. Through the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte York, Miranda Hobbes and Samantha Jones we are immersed into the lifestyle of living in New York City, where we visit places to grab a quick drink/dinner, see fabulous shops, art galleries and of course there are the endless cocktails (more specifically cosmopolitans, the drink that became synonymous with this show). We follow these women through everything from intimate details about sex (it is called Sex and The City after all) to finding love, staying in love or even falling out of it. This show speaks to me on so many levels that I find watching it almost therapeutic.
Of course her request is met with some surprise by the store clerk as he mentions that Sharper Image doesn’t sell vibrators (it is in fact a neck massager.) None the less, that’s what Samantha has been using it for ‘’wink, wink, nudge, nudge’’. After some interesting and witty exchanges between the two, the clerk succumbs to Samantha’s charm and tells her to pick another. Onlookers in the store have been watching the exchange between the two and have come to the conclusion that she is some kind of vibrator guru (which of course we know she is). They begin to ask her questions as to which model would best suit their individual needs. This scene is a perfect example of the way the show allows us to breach topics that otherwise might be considered risqué. After all, who among us hasn’t had the vibrator discussion with our own girlfriends?
Shape, size, color or even added features, vibrator talk is more common among the best of girlfriends than you would imagine. I can’t help but wonder though, for how many people is a vibrator better than the real thing?
Maybe for some it starts out as a curiosity issue and evolves into a way to avoid intimacy with others. Think about it, a vibrator can’t hurt your feelings, doesn’t act selfish and can never break up with you. It’s always there for you and never asks for anything in return... just new batteries. So the question is where do we draw the line between recreational use and dependence on a battery operated relationship? About Pillow Talk Gal Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons. "Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal *Disclaimer: Sex and the City was produced by HBO and all rights, titles and interests in any images or clips, used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying, remain the property of the author. P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Boredom is NO EXCUSE for Divorce By Frank Kermit Couples coaching can be some of the most intense sessions possible. Partly because it is about trying to understand two different points of view, but also partly due to each partner reacting to triggers from what the other partner is trying to communicate. It can be very draining for all parties involved. Emotions are high. An established couple has the pressure of maintaining the relationship and trying to get to the next level, without losing what they were initially drawn too by the coupling.
What one person interprets as BORING may actually be a collection of ABILITIES that produce successful serious long-term relationships. If you are aiming for a divorce, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Boredom, without any other contributing factor, is not one of them. It can be very easy to take for granted all the things that we actually value about our current relationships for the pillar reasons mentioned above. Do not make the mistake of having to lose what you have, and needing the experience of being without them to make you appreciate whom you got right now. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. Battling the Savior Complex By Frank Kermit As children, many of us grew up on stories about the hero that saves a person, and in the process, earned the undying love and loyalty of the person saved so that the hero and that saved person live happily ever after. The message that some people got was that being a hero is a way (and for some people, they learned it is the ONLY way) to earn a love that will never experience abandonment. Others learned from those stories that you are only worthy of love if you save someone.
The "saved" person could be a person with low self esteem that makes poor choices for their own lives, a recovering addict, a person that has given up on some part of their life, a person that is always short on money, or a person that is unable to accept and express love and compliments. The savior in this case finds a person that needs help in an area that the savior feels they have some talent in and attaches to that person-in-need-of-help, usually very quickly.
For example, out of an Emotional Need of fear of abandonment, a would-be savior will actually sabotage a person's progress of healing so that the person is forever dependant on the savior. Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.
Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing. A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love. Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not. If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag. At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves. As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.
Beware of online profiles and single dating ads that start with: Rescue Me or something of that nature. Fairy tales might make damsels in distress seem like a romantic notion, but the real world is no place to have a life partner that does not have the inner capacity to be their own hero. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. The Difference Between Jokes and Abuse In Raising A Child By Frank Kermit A joke is not a joke if it hurts someone. With April 1st (known as April Fools Day) upon us, it can be customary for some to play a prank on the people we care about, all in the name of harmless fun. However, in my practice I see a more sinister side of this day, and the premise that it is based on. When people use April Fools Day to justify a repeating behavior pattern of meanness and bullying, it is no joke. It is abuse plain and simple. The emotional damage that can occur when humor is used as a mask for abuse is serious. Ask any trauma counselor. I worked on programs with special populations (adults with autism and other developmental challenges), and also counsel trauma victims in my coaching practice. I see and deal with the damage done to people when just having fun at the expense of a human being goes without context. In most of those cases, the people having fun do NOT acknowledge that what they do is wrong, and are usually people who actually care (or are suppose to) about their targets. The worst is when those jokes are perpetuated on children, where most people first learn about the blurred connections between humor, jokes and harmful acts. Although children have a wonderful sense of playfulness that does not mean that children can distinguish the context of when a joke is a joke and when a joke can be harmful. A child laughs at cartoon characters kicking each other in the butt (just watch old Chip And Dale cartoons for an example). However, when a child mimics that same behaviors on his daycare classmates, it is not funny to the kids being kicked. Those innocent interpretations of children can grow up into emotional blocks for grown ups. "My mother regularly told me that I was a mistake as a joke", says the adult man who has trouble holding on to a job. "My brother used to call me fat as a joke all the time", says the adult woman who is dying from an eating disorder. Let us first start off with a major concept. Children are like sponges in the way they absorb information. There is no such thing as a time to play and then a time to learn. Children are ALWAYS in learning mode. If you were to consider thinking of playtime as merely a different mode of learning, you may start to get a grasp of just how important socialization is to the development and education of a child. This is one of the reasons why new educational endeavor seek to employ entertainment values in lesson planning. When children are exposed to abuse under the form of humor, it is just as much an education about how to relate to themselves and each other, as sitting in a classroom and following a prepared lesson by a teaching professional. Children who are the target of jokes may be learning something negative if the context of the joke is in anyway hurtful. If the teasing is coming from other children who have already set themselves up to be categorized as enemies, it may carry a certain message (i.e. the problem is the other children, not the child being targeted). However if the teasing is coming from the best friends or even family of the targeted child, the message could end up being that if the people who are suppose to love the child actually hate the child, then child is unlovable. This can be especially heinous when the teasing is actually tolerated or even encouraged by the people around the child who would normally be expected to protect the child. As I teach this in my program, THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK: A key component if you are struggling to decide if something would be a harmless joke or if something may constitute a form of abuse or mistreatment is to ask one question: Would the person who is being targeted be laughing at the joke being played on him or her? If the answer is yes, then it is all in fun. If the person who is being targeted is not finding it as funny as the prankster, then it is abuse. At the heart of this question, is the question of consent. Would the person you are playing the joke on consent to it? If there is consent, it is a shared experience. When there is no consent, the joke can cross the line and become an act of violence or abuse (even name calling is an act of verbal abuse). To make it even more abundantly clear, if you are unable to accurately predict if the person you are targeting would fully consent, then take that as a sign not to pull the joke. The absence of consent is what makes it abuse. One question I have been asked is whether or not it is alright to make fun of someone, or laugh at someone, provided the person would never find out about it. If a person does not know he or she is being made fun of, then no feelings can be hurt, and would that make it OK? The answer is no. It does not matter if the person being made fun of, laughed at, or having a prank played upon them does not know it. It is still wrong. To use a relational analogy, it is still cheating if you have promised fidelity to someone, regardless if the other partner never finds out. Whether it is making fun of the introverted neighbors down the street, a celebrity on the Internet, strangers on Youtube videos, or the shy kid in class that does not know how to defend herself, having fun at someone's expense, even if they do not know about it, still does not change the fact that it is a hurtful act you knowingly commit. So before you play a joke or prank on someone you love (or a stranger for that matter), just stop. Especially if the person is a child, or simply does not like being made fun of. There are many ways to share an experience with someone you care about, and better ways for you to show that you care than poking fun at them. April Fools Day is not an excuse to be a bully. Frank Kermit P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you. |
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