Blog of Frank Kermit of Frank Talks

Sex and the City: Girl Talk For The Ages

4/4/2017

Sex and the City: Girl Talk for the Ages

Sex and the City 1998-2004- Girl talk for the ages
Written by: Pillow Talk Gal

If you are 25+ in age, you’ve probably seen at least one episode of this iconic show. Its appeal is undeniable and more often than not any viewer (male or female) walks away having learned something.

Witty banter can involve sexually hot topics, fashion trends, designers and of course the ever popular theme throughout the series L-O-V-E.

http://store.hbo.com/ *

We follow the lives of four strong women who are fumbling through the complicated world of dating, love and sex. We become so intertwined with the issues they face, the audience is left feeling like we are a part of the group, and you know, just another one of the gals.

Through the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte York, Miranda Hobbes and Samantha Jones we are immersed into the lifestyle of living in New York City, where we visit places to grab a quick drink/dinner, see fabulous shops, art galleries and of course there are the endless cocktails (more specifically cosmopolitans, the drink that became synonymous with this show).

We follow these women through everything from intimate details about sex (it is called Sex and The City after all) to finding love, staying in love or even falling out of it. This show speaks to me on so many levels that I find watching it almost therapeutic.

For example, in season 5, episode 6 ‘’Critical Condition’’ Samantha decides to do some personal shopping which includes exchanging her defective vibrator to Sharper Image.

Of course her request is met with some surprise by the store clerk as he mentions that Sharper Image doesn’t sell vibrators (it is in fact a neck massager.)

None the less, that’s what Samantha has been using it for ‘’wink, wink, nudge, nudge’’.

After some interesting and witty exchanges between the two, the clerk succumbs to Samantha’s charm and tells her to pick another.

Onlookers in the store have been watching the exchange between the two and have come to the conclusion that she is some kind of vibrator guru (which of course we know she is). They begin to ask her questions as to which model would best suit their individual needs.

This scene is a perfect example of the way the show allows us to breach topics that otherwise might be considered risqué. After all, who among us hasn’t had the vibrator discussion with our own girlfriends?

Video*:

Sex and The City
and
The Rabbit Vibrator
Intervention.

Shape, size, color or even added features, vibrator talk is more common among the best of girlfriends than you would imagine. I can’t help but wonder though, for how many people is a vibrator better than the real thing?

Vibrators come in all shapes, sizes, colors and added features.

I mean, most single women I’ve spoken to say there’s no competition but are they saying this just to spare the feelings of their significant other?

In the case of someone who is in a married committed relationship, does the eventual vibrator need arise after the relationship becomes routine and predictable or is it a question of keeping things fresh and interesting for both parties involved.

Maybe for some it starts out as a curiosity issue and evolves into a way to avoid intimacy with others.

Think about it, a vibrator can’t hurt your feelings, doesn’t act selfish and can never break up with you.

It’s always there for you and never asks for anything in return... just new batteries.

So the question is where do we draw the line between recreational use and dependence on a battery operated relationship?

About Pillow Talk Gal

Born and raised in British Columbia, she is a professional woman managing a career, marriage, and a teenager. Life can be challenging at times but she's a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, and more often than not, she tries to understand those reasons.

"Join me in my journey throughout life’s issues and I guarantee you’ll be left pondering an issue or two." - Pillow Talk Gal

*Disclaimer: Sex and the City was produced by HBO and all rights, titles and interests in any images or clips, used herein under Fair Use and Fair Copying, remain the property of the author.

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Do Not Divorce Because You Are Bored

4/4/2017

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Boredom is No Excuse To Seek Divorce

Boredom is NO EXCUSE for Divorce
By Frank Kermit

Couples coaching can be some of the most intense sessions possible.

Partly because it is about trying to understand two different points of view, but also partly due to each partner reacting to triggers from what the other partner is trying to communicate.

It can be very draining for all parties involved.

Emotions are high.

An established couple has the pressure of maintaining the relationship and trying to get to the next level, without losing what they were initially drawn too by the coupling.

Get Coaching Before You Get Divorced

The fear of unsolvable issues tearing apart what they have can bring couples to a breaking point.

Although it can be an unpleasant experience, it often is a necessary component if couples are to survive into a future together.

Sometimes, it takes a trusted trained, outside objective perspective, to bring clarity to a private situation.

In my coaching practice, I get to see the multiple sides of humanity.

I see the undying love of the human heart, the devotion to honor commitment, and the desire of parents who make it a goal to be better parents to their own children, than their own parents were to them.

I also experience stories of the violence that exists in relationships, the malicious manipulations of former lovers, how drugs destroy trust, and how resentment of unresolved issues of the past poison the passion of pair bonded couples.

Coaching is Cheaper Than Divorce

Coaching Workbook For Women Trying To Decide on Divorce

Honestly, I consider my profession to be a rare gift.

I see the best and worst that is out there.

It reminds me to be grateful for everything I have ever earned and worked for, including my own relationships.

This is why one of the concepts I practice is to make sure that a couple has legitimate reasons for filing for divorce.

Sometimes, individuals create fantasies in their imaginations about how wonderful life will be like if they get divorced.

They focus on all the fun they feel they are missing out on.
They focus on their anger in the moment.
They focus on the past apologies they never got from their partners earlier in the marriage. (Ironically, apologies they never actually asked for directly it often turns out).
They ignore the realities of what a divorce will actually bring to their lives.

You May Need Therapy or Coaching Instead of a Divorce

Coaching Workbook for Men Deciding on Divorce

The absolute WORST reason I have ever encounter from individuals seeking a divorce is that they are BORED.

Let me fill you in on a little secret.

Boredom simply is not a good enough excuse to end an otherwise functioning serious relationship.

Think of boredom as a symptom of a larger problem.

Chances are very high that your boredom has little to do with the partner you are with. In fact, your boredom could even be a sign of your own depression.

I always advise anyone contemplating divorce due to boredom to be assessed for depression.

Some of the best ways to combat your own boredom is to develop habits of being proactive and resilience to apathy.

Keep The Sex Life From Getting Boring

Learn the Difference between Fun, Fulfillment and Escapism with Frank Coaching

Anyone who divorces because they want more fun in life, will likely have that fun once separated but it will last only a short time.

Fun is not the same thing as fulfillment.

Once the fun is over, you still have to get back to your regular life.

Divorce does not solve the problems most people think it does, when boredom was your biggest motivation.

In those cases, divorce simply trades in one set of problems for a new set of problems.

With all due respect to the people out there that are bored out of their minds, a little boredom might be the best thing that could happen to you.

In the pillars of boredom that are part of the foundation of your current serious relationship are often the elements of:

stability,
reliability,
predictability, and
invulnerability to even the greatest temptation.

Romance Made Easy To Keep The Passion Going

What one person interprets as BORING may actually be a collection of ABILITIES that produce successful serious long-term relationships.

If you are aiming for a divorce, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Boredom, without any other contributing factor, is not one of them.

It can be very easy to take for granted all the things that we actually value about our current relationships for the pillar reasons
mentioned above.

Do not make the mistake of having to lose what you have, and needing the experience of being without them to make you appreciate whom you got right now.

Frank Kermit

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Cost of Coaching vs Cost of Divorce.... Do you want to be able to retire?

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What Is The Savior Complex?

4/3/2017

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FrankTalks.com: What Is The Savior Complex?

Battling the Savior Complex
By Frank Kermit

As children, many of us grew up on stories about the hero that saves a person, and in the process, earned the undying love and loyalty of the person saved so that the hero and that saved person live happily ever after.

The message that some people got was that being a hero is a way (and for some people, they learned it is the ONLY way) to earn a love that will never experience abandonment. Others learned from those stories that you are only worthy of love if you save someone.

Learn More About Coaching

This has led to something I call The Savior Complex, which I see in my coaching practice.

It is the concept that some people seek out relationship partners who they feel need to be saved.

Both men and women do this.

The "saved" person could be a person with low self esteem that makes poor choices for their own lives, a recovering addict, a person that has given up on some part of their life, a person that is always short on money, or a person that is unable to accept and express love and compliments.

The savior in this case finds a person that needs help in an area that the savior feels they have some talent in and attaches to that person-in-need-of-help, usually very quickly.

This often has dire consequences. Sometimes the savior puts his or her resources into helping someone change, who is neither actually interested nor capable of change.

The savior might end up either putting too much pressure on their partner, or end up stuck with the savior's own frustration of not being able to feel any "earned" love.

Other times, a savior might even become an enabler to someone NOT healing a personal issue.

Learn About Fear of Abandonment and Other Emotional Needs

For example, out of an Emotional Need of fear of abandonment, a would-be savior will actually sabotage a person's progress of healing so that the person is forever dependant on the savior.

Lastly, a savior might also be a victim of someone that preys on the overly nice nature that some saviors exhibit, which results in the savior eventually needing to be saved from the manipulative puppet master.

Learn To Spot Red Flags By Understanding Emotional Needs

On the odd chance that the savior is actually able to help the distressed person overcome their issue (or if the person fixes the issues him or her self), the newly healed person and the savior find themselves in a quagmire.

The savior may lose attraction, as there is nothing left about the person to be saved from that would trigger the savior to feel attachment.

Another scenario is that once a person has healed, he or she becomes a different person, and the new person would not have ever sought to date a savior type to begin with, and the healed party moves on to find a new life partner that they can be on more equal footing.

A life partner cannot be someone that a person needs to save in order to earn love.

Your life partner will love you regardless if you have the power to save them or not.

If a potential life partner seeks you out to solve all of his or her problems, or if you are the one that feels obligated to save your partner from him or her self as a means to stay importantly relevant in their lives, it is all one big Red Flag.

At best, a life partner is something that you can be equal too, in the sense that neither one of you is required to save the other, especially saving a partner from themselves.

As partners, people can grow together, and explore the world together, and support each other through hard times, all the while making the mistakes we all make being human beings.

FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook For Men

However, if you keep finding yourself only attracted to people that evoke some kind of savior complex in you, because you deem that their love will be easier to earn if you are a hero, and save that person, then you would be sadly mistaken.

Hero worship is not love.

It may be a combination of emotions including lust, admiration, awe, excitement, and fantasy fuelling energy but it is not love.

When someone, that you can do nothing for, has those same feelings for you without the requirement of you having to save them from life, THAT has more of a chance of being real love.

FrankTalks.com Coaching Workbook for Women

Beware of online profiles and single dating ads that start with: Rescue Me or something of that nature.

Fairy tales might make damsels in distress seem like a romantic notion, but the real world is no place to have a life partner that does not have the inner capacity to be their own hero.

Frank Kermit

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Do Not Be A Bully on April First You Fools

4/1/2017

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The Difference Between Jokes and Abuse In Raising A Child
By Frank Kermit

A joke is not a joke if it hurts someone.

With April 1st (known as April Fools Day) upon us, it can be customary for some to play a prank on the people we care about, all in the name of harmless fun.

However, in my practice I see a more sinister side of this day, and the premise that it is based on. When people use April Fools Day to justify a repeating behavior pattern of meanness and bullying, it is no joke. It is abuse plain and simple.

The emotional damage that can occur when humor is used as a mask for abuse is serious.

Ask any trauma counselor.

I worked on programs with special populations (adults with autism and other developmental challenges), and also counsel trauma victims in my coaching practice. I see and deal with the damage done to people when just having fun at the expense of a human being goes without context.

In most of those cases, the people having fun do NOT acknowledge that what they do is wrong, and are usually people who actually care (or are suppose to) about their targets.

The worst is when those jokes are perpetuated on children, where most people first learn about the blurred connections between humor, jokes and harmful acts.

Although children have a wonderful sense of playfulness that does not mean that children can distinguish the context of when a joke is a joke and when a joke can be harmful.

A child laughs at cartoon characters kicking each other in the butt (just watch old Chip And Dale cartoons for an example). However, when a child mimics that same behaviors on his daycare classmates, it is not funny to the kids being kicked.

Those innocent interpretations of children can grow up into emotional blocks for grown ups.

"My mother regularly told me that I was a mistake as a joke", says the adult man who has trouble holding on to a job.

"My brother used to call me fat as a joke all the time", says the adult woman who is dying from an eating disorder.

Let us first start off with a major concept.

Children are like sponges in the way they absorb information. There is no such thing as a time to play and then a time to learn. Children are ALWAYS in learning mode.

If you were to consider thinking of playtime as merely a different mode of learning, you may start to get a grasp of just how important socialization is to the development and education of a child.

This is one of the reasons why new educational endeavor seek to employ entertainment values in lesson planning.

When children are exposed to abuse under the form of humor, it is just as much an education about how to relate to themselves and each other, as sitting in a classroom and following a prepared lesson by a teaching professional.

Children who are the target of jokes may be learning something negative if the context of the joke is in anyway hurtful. If the teasing is coming from other children who have already set themselves up to be categorized as enemies, it may carry a certain message (i.e. the problem is the other children, not the child being targeted).

However if the teasing is coming from the best friends or even family of the targeted child, the message could end up being that if the people who are suppose to love the child actually hate the child, then child is unlovable.

This can be especially heinous when the teasing is actually tolerated or even encouraged by the people around the child who would normally be expected to protect the child.

As I teach this in my program, THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK: A key component if you are struggling to decide if something would be a harmless joke or if something may constitute a form of abuse or mistreatment is to ask one question:

Would the person who is being targeted be laughing at the joke being played on him or her?

If the answer is yes, then it is all in fun.

If the person who is being targeted is not finding it as funny as the prankster, then it is abuse.

At the heart of this question, is the question of consent.

Would the person you are playing the joke on consent to it?

If there is consent, it is a shared experience.

When there is no consent, the joke can cross the line and become an act of violence or abuse (even name calling is an act of verbal abuse).

To make it even more abundantly clear, if you are unable to accurately predict if the person you are targeting would fully consent, then take that as a sign not to pull the joke.

The absence of consent is what makes it abuse.

One question I have been asked is whether or not it is alright to make fun of someone, or laugh at someone, provided the person would never find out about it.

If a person does not know he or she is being made fun of, then no feelings can be hurt, and would that make it OK?

The answer is no.

It does not matter if the person being made fun of, laughed at, or having a prank played upon them does not know it. It is still wrong. To use a relational analogy, it is still cheating if you have promised fidelity to someone, regardless if the other partner never finds out.

Whether it is making fun of the introverted neighbors down the street, a celebrity on the Internet, strangers on Youtube videos, or the shy kid in class that does not know how to defend herself, having fun at someone's expense, even if they do not know about it, still does not change the fact that it is a hurtful act you knowingly commit.

So before you play a joke or prank on someone you love (or a stranger for that matter), just stop.

Especially if the person is a child, or simply does not like being made fun of. There are many ways to share an experience with someone you care about, and better ways for you to show that you care than poking fun at them.

April Fools Day is not an excuse to be a bully.

Frank Kermit

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