What Seeking Arrangements
Does Not Tell You:
The Secrets of Seeking Arrangements
By Frank Kermit
Seeking Arrangements is a website that calls itself a dating site that targets young, attractive women in their late teens and early twenties, to help them meet financially established, usually older men who want to trade major financial support (averaging 3000$ a month) for a negotiated form of companionship.
It entices the girls by describing the men as financially stable, experienced in dating, willing to pamper with shopping sprees and expensive gifts and travels, and also potentially offering valuable guidance and mentoring (i.e. career-wise) aiming for long term stability.
It entices the men involved by describing the benefits of no strings attached relations, readily available girls at his discretion, and that the number of sugar babies to sugar daddies is a whopping 8 to 1.
On the one hand, as long as everyone involved is an adult, and enters into such an agreement of their own free will, then the only real issue is whether or not such an arrangement is legal where the two adults live.
There are places where prostitution is perfectly legal and The Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up isn't actually all that different from prostitution. To understand what makes the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up similar to prostitution is that when a sugar daddy falls on hard times, loses his source of income or tries to negotiate a lower rate of exchange; it is very likely that his pseudo girlfriend can no longer offer him that brand of companionship and quickly ends the arrangement.
The fact that it is just like prostitution in this regard is not the problem. I do not believe in judging anyone for entering into the sex trade; because everyone has their own reasons to take part it in (both the sex-worker and the client).
What I believe is the great point of tension however, is what such sites do not tell participants about some of the risks involved, focusing mostly on selling a fantasy of no consequences. There are ramifications to taking part of this lifestyle that only come to the attention of those involved when it is too late.
For the girls involved these risks may include living with the possibility that someday in the future, their involvement in this could be revealed and affect them in ways they never considered.
For example, if they wanted to keep it a secret from a her future employer, life partner or her children's friends but it was made public because a former sugar daddy (or someone with access to his estate) upload evidence on the Internet of her time as a sugar baby.
Some former sugar babies end up struggling financially, because they become so accustom to the lavish lifestyle their sugar daddies offered, that having to work for a living, usually making less money, causes them to rack up debt very quickly.
Just because she is being taken care of now, does not mean she is being taught to be independent. Trying to find a sugar daddy when she is older, and beyond the demographic of the sugar daddy target audience, becomes a terrible rude awakening for these women.
It is not a coincidence that Seeking Arrangements and other services like it specifically aim to recruit young, attractive women in their early twenties. Older women in those circles are more expected to take on the role of a Sugar Mommy and offer support to younger, attractive men.
It is the same arrangement, with the reversal of genders. Finally those of my female clients that were former sugar babies, now struggle with finding a life partner in part because her standards are so high and out of proportion with the kinds of men that would actually date her, and those men she would be interested in dating, would not want to date her given her past as a sugar baby, or they are too shallow to date a woman closer to his own age.
Although some sugar babies are getting degrees in higher education, not all are, and not all sugar babies finish their degrees. Many of them may even not be considering how the gaps in their resume will affect them. How does she explain how she made a living during certain periods of her life, yet has no work experience to show for that time?
It is because of such gaps, these women struggle to find work outside of the sex industry. (Sugar baby isn't exactly a high-ranking resume credential for jobs outside of sex work). One sex worker I interviewed for an old audio production I did, stated that this particular snafu was one of the reasons that made it so challenging for working girls to get out of the business.
The consequences for the men involved are different. It seems there is less of a stigma for men that pay for the services of the sex industry, than there is for the girls who work in the sex industry. The real risk in paying for companionship, attention, and sex, is that it dulls a man's ability to know what is socially acceptable behavior on an actual date.
Those of my male clients who were involved for years with such arrangements get used to being told what they want to hear, thus they never learn through legitimate social experience that their behavior is actually creepy and turns women off.
When these men behave exactly the same way, dating women they are not paying to be there, they get their own rude awakenings through massive rejection and abandonment, never understanding what they did wrong.
Real life dating is as much a learning experience about social acceptability as it is to find a compatible partner. When a man pays for sex as the outcome, and it is a pre-determined guarantee regardless of what he says or how he behaves, he does not learn how to attract or interact with women in a way that encourages a woman to want to continue spending time with him (let alone have sex).
When trying to understand the true nature of what the girls involved should expect seeking an arrangement, I would tell them this:
If a man only wanted the companionship of a woman who was not interested in having sex with him, he could easily do so with every woman who he asked out and rejected him, but who offered to stay just-friends.
And even in those cases, some men still stuck around hoping to get more from her than she was offering. Be careful out there folks.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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