Getting into brand new relationships is tricky enough, but when new relationships start around the holidays, it can be even trickier. In fact, there are even people who boycott dating just before or during the holiday season because they do not want to deal with extra challenges. One of the challenges that new relationships face during the holiday season is trying to figure out how appropriate it is to attend a holiday gathering, be it an office work party, or a holiday family dinner. It is not always easy to navigate whether or not you need to invite your new relationship partner. Bringing a new partner to a holiday gathering of any kind is an outward sign to everyone around you that your relationship (no matter just how new it is) is getting more serious. That will be the automatic assumption for most people. Where this may get unpleasant is when one partner in the new relationship is looking forward to sharing the holiday gatherings together, and the other partner feels that it may be too soon to attend such events as a couple. Although it is good to know exactly where each of you stands, especially if you both have different views of your status, it can also be disappointing to find out that you and your partner do not seem to agree on the level of commitment that exists. As a coach, I have been asked if it is wise to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering and to introduce your new partner as -just a friend-. I always advise against this. If you are going to introduce your new partner as just a friend, one of two things is likely to happen. The first is that people may assume that you are actually involved and wonder what must be wrong with the two of you for not admitting it (perhaps assuming that your partner is already married and cheating?). The second is that those people who actually believe the two of you are -just friends- may unknowingly make a pass at your partner, in your presence, because they assume that as -just friends-, your companion must be single. After all, if your companion weren’t single, that person would be out with a significant other, and not hanging with another friend at a holiday gathering. When trying to resolve this dating dilemma, the issue is not actually how long you have been dating, but rather the level of commitment of your relationship. It does not matter if you only started dating two weeks prior to the holidays, two months prior to the holidays or have had been seeing each other for two years prior to this holiday season. How long you have been involved is not a deciding factor when choosing to bring your partner to a holiday gathering. It has everything to do with how serious your commitment is to one another and if you are intending to build a future together. A couple that has only been dating for two weeks but is already secure in the idea of getting married and growing old together should attend holiday functions as a couple. A couple that has been seeing each other dating casually for over a year with zero intention of making any sort of long term commitment should not involve one another into holiday gathers. If either of the partners in this new relationship is not fully prepared to accept how attending holiday functions together will be interpreted by family, co-workers and friends as a sign of a more serious commitment, then the ethical choice is not to attend them together, until such a time as you get more serious. Frank Kermit
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Holidays and Inter-Faith Families
By Frank Kermit The number of interfaith families is growing. It is likely that you or someone you know has been involved at some point in an inter-faith relationship. Love may be blind, but the challenges some couples face in inter-faith marriages can be very real. According to Dr Sheila Gordon, president of Interfaith Community, religions aren’t really set up to accommodate people creating households where there are two different faiths. She suggests that parents should discuss with each other, their goals of the religion as it regards their children and what aspects of the religion they want to practice, and what they want to get out of practicing their faiths before bringing their children into it. Some couples face what has been called the December Dilemma, where multiple faiths have days of celebration around the same time. Some families try to celebrate each holiday separately on their respective days, but allow for decorations of both holidays to be present the entire holiday season (this avoids the December Dilemma of deciding, for example, if they should put up a Christmas tree or a Menorah). One inter-faith couple told me that they celebrate both sets of holidays and will let their children decide what faith to follow in the future. Some families just celebrate all the holidays at once in their own interpretation of mixing traditions together. Finally, other families make a firm decision that the children will be brought up with one faith and one set of traditions, and the parent from the other faith either gives up a faith, or celebrates the holidays more privately, or with less emphasis even if the children are involved. Basically, it is important for the couple to decide ahead of time, as much as they can, what they believe would be best, not only for them, but for their kids as well. It is important to keep in mind that managing different holiday celebrations and how to incorporate them into your family’s life is a yearlong process. One thing that many inter-faith relationships face is a lack of acceptance from family and friends. An old colleague of mine used to be very out spoken about his stance against inter-faith marriage to the point where he would refuse to attend the weddings of his friends and families if they married outside his religion. This eventually led to a lot of abandonment. Everyone has an opinion about inter-faith relations, and it may not always be in favor of the loving couple. If you are entering into an inter-faith relationship, and believe it is heading in the direction of an inter-faith family, be sure you are ready to face opposition that you may not have known you had. Personally, I find it sad when family and friends are accepting of inter-faith friendships, but not accepting of inter-faith romances. In fact, in my own practice, the biggest challenge to inter-faith couples is not the couple’s inability to work out the role of religion in their lives and the lives of their children; their biggest challenge is getting close family members on board to support them as they would any same faith relationships. If there could be just one message I could relate to those parents and other family who abandon a loving inter-faith couple it is this: The taint of your abandonment will never be removed even if you reconcile later. More often than not, abandoning family re-enter that couple’s life again in the future, and it usually is because you want to see the children of the new inter-faith family. Think long and hard before you do something that will never be forgotten. I have yet to meet any abandoner that later claimed it was the right thing to do. Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate! What You Need To Know About Dating a Taurus Man By D.W. This is a contributed post A Taurus man's Strengths are that he's reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, and stable. A Taurus man's Weaknesses are he's stubborn, possessive, and uncompromising. Taurus men like gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, and working with their hands. Taurus men dislike sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, and synthetic fabrics. Taurus is the first when it comes to harvesting the fruits of his labor. They love everything that is good and beautiful, and they are often surrounded by material pleasures. Taurus men are very sensual and tactile. Touch is extremely important for them, both in business and in romance. Stable and conservative, Taurus is among the most reliable signs of the zodiac. Stubbornness is a trait that forces him to wait to give up things in order to comply with social standards. As an Earth sign, Taurus can be overprotective of their loved ones. They are great at making money and they will stick to their projects until it is successfully completed. Bulls are often known for their stubbornness, but it can also be interpreted as a complete commitment to the execution of tasks. This makes them excellent workers and great friends, because they are always there, no matter what. Their ruling planet Venus represents love, attraction, beauty and creativity. Thus, Taurus men can be excellent cooks, entertainers and artists. He is loyal and doesn't like sudden and unwanted changes. Taurus is the most dependable sign of the zodiac. Although some may have very conservative views of the world or can be too fond of money and wealth, they have the ability to bring a practical voice of reason into any chaotic and unhealthy situation. If you like strong, loyal, dependable and generous men, you'll love men born under the Taurus star sign. Taurus men are trustworthy, independent, patient and very loyal. One of the most negative of the Taurus characteristics is their extreme stubbornness. If you were thinking of dropping hints and suggestive looks, hoping he would get the message, think again! The Taurus man is slow on the uptake, so you will probably have to ask him out yourself. The Taurus man dislikes artificiality of any kind, so when complimenting him, it is probably the best to restrict your comments to genuine statements, rather than going over the top. Be prepared to take your time winning his trust. He can be a person of very few words, so there is always a possibility that you might feel you're not getting through to him. A man born under the Taurus astrology sign loves to cook, and you can invite him over for a delicious home-cooked meal or go somewhere he feels comfortable. The Taurus man enjoys sex and sees it as something natural and fun. He is extremely loyal and will never betray you. However, if you betray him, you will never be forgiven. Show him that you are loyal and you're on a good way to seduce the Taurus man for good. Hope this helps - DW This is a contributed post. Confidence is key to a successful date or relationship. If you’re unable to conquer your fears, then it’s likely that your date will be less successful than you hoped. But don’t worry! Boosting your confidence can be easier than you think. There are plenty of motivational tricks that you can employ that’ll help to give you that boost of confidence you need to leave a good impression on your date. Don’t Over Plan Your Date Don’t prepare for your date like it’s an exam. You need to appear natural and have conversation flow naturally. Do a bit of research on your date, such as any hobbies that he or she has, their favourite movies, etc. Use that as a starting point to begin a conversation and build on top of that. When there’s no natural way to extend that line of conversation, then just switch the topic. Never drone on about a subject for more than a couple of minutes. Keep your conversations interesting! For example, ask your date about the most recent show he or she watched. If they haven’t seen anything lately, then you could recommend a show that you like. Just don’t over do it and rant on for five minutes about how much you love it. But if they do mention something, then ask about it, be curious, and sound interested to know more. People want to converse with someone naturally. They don’t want to feel like they’re being interviewed, but they also don’t want to have a silent date either. If you need a bit of help, check out some of these pick up lines that really work to inject a bit of fun into your date. Looks Aren’t Everything It’s cliche to think that your appearance means everything. If you have the heart not to judge a book by its cover, then so will your date. You don’t want to tidy up your appearance for two hours before a date—that’s a bit over the top. Imagine if you go on a follow-up date, or you start seeing each other more often, will you spend two hours every day just to replicate that appearance? Some people might go to that length, but a lot of people can appreciate your “normal” look without all the makeup and well-groomed hair. Couples aren’t concerned about what their partner looks like in the morning when they wake up. It’s their normal appearance, and they appreciate each other for more than just looks. While you shouldn’t attend a date with ragged clothes and messy hair, you don’t need to invest loads of money into buffing up your appearance just for one day. Having the motivation to improve your appearance for the sake of your date is absolutely fine, just don’t go overboard—accept your appearance for what it is. Stay Positive and Relax
Don’t let bad thoughts get to you. Focus on the positive, such as how fun the date might be or how great it’ll be to meet someone new. It’s difficult to relax if you’re nervous, but that unease comes from all of the negative thoughts such as “what will I do if this goes wrong?”. Banish those thoughts from your mind. Take a deep breath before heading out the door for your date, and treat it like a normal trip out to visit a friend. Sure, you need to make a good first impression, but you can achieve that by acting natural and confident. Is Living Together Before Marriage
a Good Idea? By Frank Kermit The question of living together before marriage comes up most often in my work, when helping couples through pre-marriage coaching, and helping singles figure out their boundaries and personal moral code on their path to finding a life partner. The first place to start when answering this question is whether or not there are any cultural or religious reasons not to live together out of wedlock. Advice needs to take into account the personal beliefs of the individuals and not force anyone to violate their own sense of right and wrong. What may be appropriate for one group of people may not be acceptable for another group of people. In cases where the couple may not have any such issues with living together prior to being married, but the family members close to the couple would not find it acceptable, the next question for that couple to explore is the importance of maintaining familial relations compared to following their own path. Depending on how close people are to their extended families, and whether or not said families would cast out those who defy family social norms, may factor in greatly to the decision of living together. With all that said, if there are no cultural or religious practices obstructing the couple from living together before marriage, I would generally counsel that it is a good experience to live together first. To be clear, there are benefits of living together prior to being married (and if not to get married, then to test the waters for a life partnership and child rearing in the case of raising a family), which favor the couple that learns everything they can about each other. There are things that you find out about your spouse-to-be only through living with them such as their grooming habits (or lack thereof), their ability to cope with being sick, and how they handle the stresses of everyday life. Living together is one of the best ways to force an end to any remaining remnants of a honeymoon phase. Best to know these things about your future spouse before becoming the spouse. If there was one caveat that I would recommend, it is that living together must be a prelude to getting more serious. If there is no interest in being serious long term, then do not move in together regardless of any convenience or incentives it may offer. The best way to insure that neither member of the couple is wasting time with the wrong partner is to set a deadline to ensure that at some point, the couple that is just-living-together, will in time become the couple that is engaged. If the deadline is reached after living together for a certain time period and the couple has not moved their relationship to the next level, take it as a red flag to end the relationship. Frank Kermit This is a contributed post. Marriage is never easy. After the honeymoon period ends, it can feel like a battlefield. Keeping the romance alive is hard. Having to consider someone else’s feelings at every turn can be a real challenge. For the most part, that challenge will be worthwhile. Being so connected to someone can be a real reward if you put the effort in to make it work. There comes a time, though, when that effort is too much. All marriages need work, but sometimes it can feel as though the work has replaced the good times. At this point, it might be necessary to say goodbye. Here are some signs that things have gone too far. RESENTMENT If you start resenting each other, it can be hard to get back to a good place. Resentment can kill the best relationship. That resentment can take on many different forms. It may be that you blame your partner for holding you back in life, or maybe you just resent the way they act. You may feel as though your partner has stolen an important part of yourself. Maybe you just resent the fact that you do all the giving in the relationship. Whatever the cause is, there’s no room for a destructive emotion like resentment in a marriage. As soon as resentment creeps in, the blame game will soon follow. These types of emotion can kill any love between you. Divorce is not an easy choice to come to. If resentment has replaced any feelings of love, it may be the only option left. DISTANCE The distance between you and your partner is about more than just physical space. It’s possible to live in the same house as someone, and still feel far from them. Distance can grow in any relationship, and it doesn’t have to mean the end. The larger the gap, the harder it will be to come back from it. A growing distance between the two of you may mean that you are going in opposite directions. If you feel a gap growing, it’s worth sitting your partner down and asking how they feel about it. Communication is a great way to bridge gaps, and if you both agree to make more effort, you may be able to save your love. If the conversation ends in another argument, or nothing seems resolved, it may be time to call it a day. Do you and your partner tell each other about your days? Do you still maintain a physical intimacy? If you are blocking each other out, it may be a sign that distance is growing between you. ARGUMENTS
Arguments happen in any relationship. Love is never a smooth road, and sometimes you’re going to annoy each other. A sign that arguments have gone too far is when they happen on a regular basis. Do you snap at each other every time you speak? Do you stay angry at each other for days? These could be signs that things have gone too far. Here Are 7 Things to Consider for your Rustic Outdoor Wedding by Natalka Celebrations 1. Bear in mind you will likely have to rent everything, tent, flooring tables, chairs, bathrooms and sound systems. 2. Get all your permits: Contact the municipality / parks department to arrange for a permit. Don’t forget to find out about the rules regarding, trash removal, candles, torches etc. Alcohol Permit: If you plan to serve alcoholic beverages. 3. In case of inclement weather, provide umbrellas, lap blankets, and propane heaters. Make sure your guests are comfortable: provide, plenty of water, hand held fans, flip flops, spray sunscreen, bug repellent, and on a really hot day, prepare a bucket full of cold wet wash cloths. Remind your guests to wear appropriate footwear. 4. Did you choose a public place? You may have to put up with onlookers and unwanted noisy distractions, speak to your DJ about the appropriate sound system. 5. You picked your location because of the rustic beauty and your decor should emulate the natural surroundings, consider renting burlap, unfinished wood decor, vintage furniture and table top elements. 6. Lighting: Lanterns both glass and paper, twinkle lights, torches and candles (if permitted. See # 2). 7. Consider a menu fitting for an outdoor wedding, discuss food ideas with your caterer that do well at an outdoor wedding. -Natalka Lee Gach Wedding Planner, Co-coordinator and Consultant www.natalkacelebrations.com 514-652-4073 |
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