Everybody‘s Holiday Happy, Except You
By Frank Kermit Do you hate it when everyone around you seems to have something extra to celebrate this year for the holidays, except for you? You aren’t alone. Sometimes, it can be a little frustrating when holiday announcements from your friends and families seem to leave you feeling a little less merry because somehow, you could end up feeling somewhat, left behind. It is not always easy to celebrate with others, when whatever it is they are joyous about, is a little reminder that your own life may not be where you thought it would be by now. In fact, one of the reasons that some people hate the holidays is because of how much they are reminded of just how unhappy they really are. Did your closest friends introduce you to their newest relationship partner? Great! Makes you one of the last of your group to the single for the holidays. Did someone in your family use the holidays to announce a new baby on the way? Great! Makes you doubt if the same thing will eventually happen to you before you feel like quitting after trying for 2 years and still not having a kid. Did a friend of yours just announce that they start a new job after the holiday season? Great! That reminds you that you really should update your resume again because your employment insurance is running out and the pressure is mounting. Did someone make it out of the hospital, or return from active military duty, to be home for the holidays? Great! You have to be sure to go over and say hello, after a quick trip to the cemetery to pay your respects to the person you lost this year. The holidays are not always fun for everyone. For some, it is a time when a person finally gets a massive break in life and a chance to find real joy. For others, the only massive break they are pre-occupied with is nursing a massively broken heart. If you are fortunate enough to have something wonderful to celebrate this year, please do. Enjoy your moments and share them accordingly. Just don’t throw them in the faces of people that you know are struggling right now. Show those people a little compassion when you can. Invite them to join in with you, but fully understand if they are not able too. If you are unfortunate during this holiday season, remember that someday in the future you very likely will have something amazing to share, and will want to celebrate with the people you most care about. When the people around you are asking you to share in their joy, make the effort to be happy for them, and if you cannot do that, excuse yourself so you do not risk tainting the mood. In the long term, you will be glad you did. Happy Holidays. Congratulations on your good fortunes, and hang in there whatever your struggles. Frank Kermit
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Holidays and Inter-Faith Families
By Frank Kermit The number of interfaith families is growing. It is likely that you or someone you know has been involved at some point in an inter-faith relationship. Love may be blind, but the challenges some couples face in inter-faith marriages can be very real. According to Dr Sheila Gordon, president of Interfaith Community, religions aren’t really set up to accommodate people creating households where there are two different faiths. She suggests that parents should discuss with each other, their goals of the religion as it regards their children and what aspects of the religion they want to practice, and what they want to get out of practicing their faiths before bringing their children into it. Some couples face what has been called the December Dilemma, where multiple faiths have days of celebration around the same time. Some families try to celebrate each holiday separately on their respective days, but allow for decorations of both holidays to be present the entire holiday season (this avoids the December Dilemma of deciding, for example, if they should put up a Christmas tree or a Menorah). One inter-faith couple told me that they celebrate both sets of holidays and will let their children decide what faith to follow in the future. Some families just celebrate all the holidays at once in their own interpretation of mixing traditions together. Finally, other families make a firm decision that the children will be brought up with one faith and one set of traditions, and the parent from the other faith either gives up a faith, or celebrates the holidays more privately, or with less emphasis even if the children are involved. Basically, it is important for the couple to decide ahead of time, as much as they can, what they believe would be best, not only for them, but for their kids as well. It is important to keep in mind that managing different holiday celebrations and how to incorporate them into your family’s life is a yearlong process. One thing that many inter-faith relationships face is a lack of acceptance from family and friends. An old colleague of mine used to be very out spoken about his stance against inter-faith marriage to the point where he would refuse to attend the weddings of his friends and families if they married outside his religion. This eventually led to a lot of abandonment. Everyone has an opinion about inter-faith relations, and it may not always be in favor of the loving couple. If you are entering into an inter-faith relationship, and believe it is heading in the direction of an inter-faith family, be sure you are ready to face opposition that you may not have known you had. Personally, I find it sad when family and friends are accepting of inter-faith friendships, but not accepting of inter-faith romances. In fact, in my own practice, the biggest challenge to inter-faith couples is not the couple’s inability to work out the role of religion in their lives and the lives of their children; their biggest challenge is getting close family members on board to support them as they would any same faith relationships. If there could be just one message I could relate to those parents and other family who abandon a loving inter-faith couple it is this: The taint of your abandonment will never be removed even if you reconcile later. More often than not, abandoning family re-enter that couple’s life again in the future, and it usually is because you want to see the children of the new inter-faith family. Think long and hard before you do something that will never be forgotten. I have yet to meet any abandoner that later claimed it was the right thing to do. Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate! When Love Ends At The Best of Times
Heartbreak for the Holidays By Frank Kermit As the holiday season approaches there are a number of things most people can count on. Time off, shopping, spending time with family and friends (including the ones you may not be particularly fond of), bad weather, exams if you are a student, end of the year projects at work that need to get done, the pressures of holiday get-togethers, worse weather, bad drivers, holiday parties, trips to the clinic, feeling overwhelmed, traveling, even worse weather, travel delays, resolutions, less day light, longer commutes…did I mention the weather? But if you are lucky enough, you might just have that kind of holiday season where you get a glimpse, a tiny reminder of what makes it all worth it. The holiday season brings about a sense of reflection for many people. It is a time, when we look back on all the things we have done or accomplished in the past year (or didn’t). And that is why holidays bring about the end of many relationships. The holiday times can be super challenging if you have a lot going on. It is easy to feel pressure and exhaustion, as if you are being pulled in too many different directions. When this pressure hits, and you start questioning if the relationship you are in is worth it…that means only one thing: you-are-normal. Holidays have a reputation of bringing out the best in humanity…it can also bring out the worst too. Not everyone can handle the holiday times, and if you are having any issues with the person you are dating, the holidays are ripe to exploit even your most minuscule doubts and have them cause cracks in the foundation of your relationship future. It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people take the time to ask if this is the relationship they really want to be in. It may not be until the holiday’s approach that some people must now decide if they are going to introduce the new partner to their family. Holidays can force issues like commitment-talk, future-talk, family-planning-talk, and even the dreaded, so-what-are-we-exactly-and-where-is-this-going-?-talk. (Yeesh! And you thought that people just drank too much over the holidays to make merry…) And those are only the challenges if you are monogamous. When dating multiple people during the holidays, it can be a bit tricky because there are only a couple of nights that you have to spend with your someone special that have important meanings to it, and if you have more than one someone special in your life, choosing only one person to spend that special night with, usually means that the others will dump you. If you can’t bring all of your partners together to celebrate with you (and hey, that could happen), you might not get to spend it with anyone. The reverse can happen as well if your preferred partner is seeing more than one person, and happens to choose someone else to share that midnight New Years kiss with, instead of choosing you. It can be easier than you think to end up alone on a major holiday. Being polyamorous doesn’t protect you from the same risks as being monogamous. Think of the holiday season as a test. Can your relationship survive the holiday hazards? Is the person you are dating understanding about the time you need to prepare for your exams (exams that can change the course of your life)? Is the person you are with just adding to your holiday aches? Are you the one that is making things worse for your partner because the holidays are fueling the fires of your own unresolved issues? It is a pretty safe bet that if your love life cannot withstand the handful of weeks leading up to, and including the holidays, it is likely that the person you were dating would not have been a reliable life partner for you anyways. So the good news about a holiday break up is that you found out before you got more committed or attached. That still does not change the fact that the end of a relationship heading into, or during the holidays, just royally sucks. It is going to hurt. There is never a “good time” for a relationship to break up. There will always be reasons to stay, even when the most important reason (the fact that you do not want to be in a relationship with that person) says that you need to go. Holidays notwithstanding, if the relationship ended, you are still going to have to deal with the heartache. If you do end up in heartbreak for the holidays, take every opportunity to make merry and spread cheer with the people you care about (except the one that dumped you), and enjoy the company of people that care about you. Take the time you need to mourn the end of your relationship, but not at the expense of the focus you need for those things (like study time to pass your exams) that WILL stay with you for the rest of your life. The pain is temporary. There will be plenty of time to focus on the things you want, after you focus on the things you need to do first. And when you do mourn, remember what you LEARNED from your last relationship. If you can find the correct lesson to learn, so that you do not end up in exactly the same situation again, that is the path of finding your relationship redemption. That is the way to forgiving the most important person you need to forgive in a break up…yourself. Have a safe holiday season everyone. Frank Kermit The Holiday Mistake Singles Make
By Frank Kermit There are many mistakes singles make, that keep them single. The holiday time is no exception. At a time when the motivation to meet someone new to date may be at an all time high, some single people make the mistake of shelving their hearts, and put off dating new people, until after the holidays are over. On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Going into the holidays, is a busy time. Planning for holiday parties and gift buying, trying to finish work related projects before taking time off, and studying for final exams makes the time leading up to the holidays a period of high stress. Who has the time or energy to even think about starting to date, or pursue meeting someone new? So really, what is the problem with holding off dating until after the holiday season is over? Well, there isn’t really anything wrong with it per se. If you do not want to date, then do not date. However, giving into this mindset is habit forming. After the holidays, comes the period after New Years and it is too cold to go out to be social and date. Then comes Valentine’s Day and there is way too much pressure to face dating someone new. Springtime is too wet outside and no one likes how there bodies look coming out of the winter blues and final exams again. So let’s wait until summer rolls around. Then in summer, there are so many places to visit, vacations to plan, work projects to finish before heading out on vacation. Did we mention the humidity? Ok, and the kids are out of school, so no time for social dating then. We will get back to dating in the fall. Back to school, need a vacation from your vacation, and mending the broken heart from the loss of your summer fling, it is no time to date serious. Halloween already? I don’t want to date in costume, what am I? A clown? Next month when all the creepy decorations come down, I will make the effort for sure. Golly, weather changes are making me sleepy. Oh gee, so much to do because the holidays are coming up! Does any of this sound familiar? If you are perpetually single, it should. Using the holidays as a way to avoid dating is just another excuse in a long line of excuses. There is no perfect time to start dating. The best time to start is right now. Sure the holidays are hectic. So what? There will always be lots of reasons to avoid dating. You only need one to start, and that is because you want to. No one wants to be alone over the holidays. That is what makes it one of the best times to get out there and be social and meet new people. It is OK to want to meet someone new to date, and it is OK to want to do that over the holidays. So if you have the chance to shake off the holiday rush, and the opportunity to get out there, meet new people and a date comes your way, go for it. Always go for it. You likely spend a lot of time getting gifts for other people, so why not give yourself the gift of dating during the holidays. You deserve to be loved as much as anybody. Happy Holidays! Single Going Into The Holiday Season
By Frank Kermit The holidays can be a time of reflection for some to evaluate if they are where they would want to be with their love lives. Many people who are struggling can end up asking themselves questions such as: Why are all my friends in relationships, and I am still single? Why does she just want to be friends with me? Why won't he commitment to me? While the holidays are usually associated with great images of joyous celebration, and scenes of happiness surrounded by family and loved ones, not everyone feels festive, especially if they are still trying to find a soul mate to share the holidays with. The good news is that this is actually one of the BEST times of the year to go out to meet someone new to date. This is the time of year when people are usually the most open minded when it comes to trying to date different types of people than they previously dated beforehand for one simple reason: No one wants to be alone for the holidays. The pain of being alone as the holidays approach can be so fearfully devastating that some people may end up settling for less than what they want just so that they are not by themselves. In other cases some people even go back to an ex and an emotionally unhealthy relationship because of the convenience, than to face the holiday season without a partner. In fact, some people actually find dating an ex, even if the relationship was toxic and ended badly, more preferable than dealing with the awkwardness of starting to date someone new. Fear based decision making can lead to more mistakes so much easier than most people think. Here is a little exercise that you can do right now to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes singles tend to make going into the holiday season. I want you to imagine your IDEAL holiday celebration. For example, if you are afraid to be alone on New Year’s Eve without anyone to kiss at that first stroke of midnight, then sit down and visualize exactly what your IDEAL New Years Eve celebration would consist of. Do not focus on specific people. I want you to focus on YOU during those future projections. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How do you look? What are you talking about? Are you putting your newly learned dance steps into practice trying to seduce the new love of your life on the dance floor that will lead to your first magical midnight New Years Eve kiss? Are you charismatically enticing someone using your new charming communication and graceful storytelling skills? Once you have that ideal in mind, work your way back to this moment in time to where you are right now, and ask yourself what you would have to do between now and that event to make your dream vision come true. Sign up for dance lessons? Learn the art of small talk? Pick out a venue and new outfit for that night? When you have an idea of where you want to end up, then you will better know what you need to do right now in order to get there. If you are alone as the holidays approach, EMBRACE it. You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can start to take action today and focus on what you can do right now, to be able to attract someone new into your love life. Frank Kermit Mourning for the Holidays
By Frank Kermit Doesn't it seem like so many people die around the holiday season? I wrote this article after I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine. I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral. Meeting his family for the first time and feeling their grief reminded me that the holidays are not always a time a joyous celebration. For many people it is a time of mourning and bereavement remembering lost loved ones. There is never a good time to deal with the death of someone you love, and for it to happen so close to the holidays is no exception. What it does mean is that the holidays will be more challenging as people still come together, and the need for compassion and understanding is at an all time high. It is not just because grief will cause people to be sad when most people are expected to be enthralled with making merry. It has to do with the different ways that people grieve. One person's method of grieving may be completely out of line with how another person expresses sorrow. If you remember one lesson from this article, it is this: Show compassion and acceptance for the way someone needs to grieve, even if it is the exact opposite of what you would prefer that person utilizes to manage mourning. Since the funeral, I have been swarmed with memories of Christmas pasts. I wanted to share some with you and also share some ideas about mourning the holidays. When my grandfather died in the 1980s, I was still in elementary school, and too young to really understand the effects of grieving for death. What I remember was being taken out of school for a few days while the family came together around my widowed grandmother, and having to attend a funeral home wake and a funeral service. I do not remember understanding everything that was going on around me at the time. What I do distinctly remember is that every time I was reminded of something that I wanted to tell my grandfather, I had to come to acknowledge again and again that he was gone. Other than the death of pets, it was the first time a human family member died. Although my grandfather died earlier in the year, I do have a distinct memory of how my immediate family and our extended family had to balance celebrating the holidays and honoring his memory. That Christmas was a somber one. We did not have the loud massive family get together that I had become accustom too. I have a hazy memory of my grandmother breaking out in tears missing her husband at one point while being the center of attention, probably opening a gift of some kind at the table. When I later returned to school in January, I was faced with that obligatory writing assignment of the (what you did over the holidays) composition. Not sure what to write given the loss my family was suffering, I asked a family member for guidance and was told to basically "make up something acceptable". In short, I was told to describe a wonderful scene complete with laughter, singing Christmas songs and even threw in some street caroling on the way to a midnight mass...truly a far cry from the quiet, almost depressed real life version of a mournful holiday eve. Heck, it is not like my family ever did street caroling or singing songs when they were not managing mourning the holidays anyways. Too busy talking loudly, preparing food, eating food, and then recovering from the meal. What I wanted to write is exactly what happened, but for some reason it was important to that family member to keep our grief private regardless of the fact that everyone that knew me, also knew that my grandfather died (being pulled out of school for a week might have been a good hint). The key word in the directive I received was the word: ACCEPTABLE. As in, it would not be acceptable for our family to experience grief at that time of year. I found it odd, but I chose to obey like a good kid. Yet, I always believed it would have been a much more interesting story if I had told the truth about what really happened that holiday. The struggle was managing what -I- would have wanted to help me express -my- grief (writing about missing my grandfather and how Christmas was different this year) and what a family member wanted to help them manage their grief (keeping our pain private). As the years went on, how we celebrated the holidays changed with each year. Some were marked with great celebration for the weddings that took place that year, while others reflected the emptiness left when other family members had died that year. The holidays, it seemed to me, was a time of reflecting on the changing nature of the relationships of the previous year, the loss of some of the people we loved, a reminder of the break ups and divorces happening, and a call to also remember to cherish the good news of new relationships forming and the births, adoptions, and additions of new members into the family. When my father died after a very long battle with his health challenges, it marked a significant change in our identity as an immediate family. My mother was now a widow, and I was reminded of all our mortality. There were a few things I left out of his eulogy that I never told anyone. One of those things is that one of his unfulfilled wishes was for him to see me get married and start a family of my own before he died. A month after he died I celebrated my birthday, my first without him. With each important date that came along (his birthday, his wedding anniversary, father's day, and the holidays) it was an adjustment to the new normal. With each one I tried different ways to celebrate. Some of them I spent with friends, some of them with family and some I spent alone. On father's day I made a visit to the cemetery bringing my mother with me. At Christmas, I spent it with my immediate family, and had to manage my own coping method of withdrawing from the crowd with some of my families coping methods of making mountains out of molehills. At New Years Eve, I spent it alone at home making only a quick visit to another uncle recovering from heart surgery. What I learned is that each person copes with grief in his or her own way. Some need to party with others, and some need to spend time alone. Some need to cry out at the casket at the funeral home, and some need to yell at the people crying out at the casket because there are people who are too uncomfortable at the expression of another's grief. If there could be something I hope will make managing your mourning this holiday season easier, it is this: No matter how uncomfortable you are with the way someone expresses grief, show some compassion and simply learn to accept it. If you cannot do that, at the very least, please shut the hell up. Just because you cannot handle someone else's grief does not make you -stronger- and it does not make the other person -wrong-. In our pill-popping society, family members may often push for mourning relatives to be sedated, not in the best interest of the mourning relative, but because the family members feel ill-equipped to manage excessive expressions of grief. Never yell at someone for expressing grief. Give that the person the space and acceptance needed to process the intense emotions. If drugs suppress those intense emotions, then those unexpressed emotions may and likely will manifest in other ways (like emotional blocks or dysfunctional self sabotaging behaviors). There is no -better- way to grieve. There is only the way that works for you as long as you remember even though mourning is a personal experience, that does not mean you can not get help with managing your grief. It is OK to seek out the aid of a professional, or even a companion willing to listen and who is OK with you being vulnerable and your truest self at your lowest moment. They say that we each need to live each day as if it were our last. I am not a believer of that personally for reasons too numerous to mention in this article. However, I do encourage people to live each day as if it were the last day that someone you love will live. If there is someone you want to reach out too, that you need to forgive or remind that you love, or want to apologize too then do it; not because you might die tomorrow, but because that person may die tomorrow. Get the difference? Once in a while, I remember someone that did something nice for me, and I will contact that person and thank him or her, not because I might not be around, but because I wonder how I will feel if I miss the chance to tell them before that person is no longer around. Three weeks ago, I attended the funeral of an old colleague of mine. I made every effort to attend the wake and the funeral but I never got to tell him how much I appreciated him, his works and his talents while he was alive. Now, I never will. Understanding relationships goes hand in hand with understanding the principle that every relationship you have on earth is temporary and that unions between people end either by choice (break up, separation or divorce) or in the best of cases, will end by the death of one of the people in the relationship. Be mindful of this fact when you take the time we all have (or lack thereof) for granted. Happy Holidays whatever you celebrate and whomever you happen to love. Frank Kermit This is a contributed post. Got a friend tying the knot soon? You’re probably already looking forward to celebrating their last few nights of freedom! Hosting an epic bachelor party is the only way to send your friend off, and it’s best to start planning early. Don’t just go for the traditional beer and stripper night in Vegas- it’s old and contrived! Instead, do something everyone will enjoy and remember for a long time to come. The best way to celebrate is on a trip with the guys, and there are a wealth of locations to consider. Gambling and drinking is one way to celebrate, but it’s better to find out the groom’s interests and find something fun and unique. Find destinations with plenty of fun activities to take in. You can still relax and party later on! Here are some of the best bachelor party trip ideas you might not have considered. Go To Barcelona https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Night_view_seen_from_Palau_Nacional_(Barcelona).JPG The famous city in Spain is a fantastic place to hang out all year round. Even in the midsts of winter, you can enjoy warm days on the beach with a few beers. You could even get in the water for some surfing or take a speedboat tour to the sea. Even away from the beaches, you can find plenty of fun things to do with a group. If you’re feeling competitive, take the guys for some high-adrenaline karting. You can put your driving skills to the test at breakneck speeds. You could also try something novel like bubble football. You might even want to go bungee jumping for a real thrill! It’s a great city for sports fans too. There’s plenty of places to play soccer, and you could also take in some beach volleyball. There’s also an opportunity to watch one of the best sports teams in the world at Camp Nou, the home of FC Barcelona. You can get delicious food at top restaurants offering things like tapas, steak, and seafood. The nightlife is fantastic too, with plenty of bars and clubs where people of all ages can have the time of their lives. Take On Toronto Places like New York and Las Vegas may get most of the hype for North American bachelor parties. But if you venture further north, you can get plenty of thrills in the capital of Ontario! It’s a buzzing city full of gambling spots, but it has plenty more to offer for your bachelor trip. You can go on a bar crawl around the best bars in Toronto. With rooftop venues, sports bars, and trendy spots, there’s plenty to try out. There are many craft pubs too, so you can sample some great ales from Canada and the rest of the world. Away from the nightlife, you might want to check out the Hockey Hall of Fame. It’s the home of the Stanley Cup, making it a mecca for NHL fans. It also has some great exhibits and an extensive collection of hockey memorabilia. It’s also a city full of manly activities. You can check out shooting ranges, archery, and there’s even an axe-throwing league! There’s plenty of options for accommodation. No matter how big your group, you’ll find plenty of fun things to do here. Camp Out Nothing beats spending time with your buddies in the great outdoors. Instead of partying it up for your bachelor trip, why not try out some camping? It’s an activity every guy can enjoy, especially when you bring food and booze along! You can check out some of the best places to camp in the USA or even look further afield. No matter where you go, take a truck and pack it with plenty of camping gear. Bring enough tents for everyone- you won’t want to share! Bring the snacks and drinks along, also. Building a campfire is a must. All you need is some matches to get it going- although you may also want some lighter fluid to help. With a camping grill, you can cook up burgers, bacon, and all kinds of other great camping foods. Of course, you could also roast marshmallows! As an alternative to pitching tents, you might want to rent out a cabin. It can give you space for all your party to sleep. It’s much more comfortable- especially in the depths of winter! But don’t let it stop you from getting outdoors, taking in some fishing, and spending time around the campfire. Playing drinking games and telling stories around the campfire is a great male bonding experience. But you never know what might happen on your camping bachelor trip. One bachelor party rescued a family of puppies in the woods of Tennessee! Head To Bangkok Bangkok is known for its crazy nightlife and wild shows on every corner. It’s definitely a city full of debauchery, but there’s much more to it that makes it an ideal bachelor party location. One of the best things about heading to Bangkok is how cheap it is. Tourists love Thailand, and Thailand loves tourists. There are hotels everywhere with shockingly cheap prices. Many are near fantastic beaches and nightlife hotspots, so it’s perfect for your bachelor trip. It’s also rife with cheap daytime activities. You might want to get some thrills by taking your party ziplining. You can even trek out into the wild on their guided jungle tours. It’s also a fantastic location for golfing, so you can relax with the guys and hit some holes. It’s another city known for high temperatures year round. You’ll have plenty of fun with your friends in the hot Bangkok sun. Hit The Road If you can’t think of one place to go, why not go everywhere? Hit the road with your party and try out every place on the way!
There are a couple of ways you can go about it. If you have a car to accommodate the whole party, you can rent cheap accommodation everywhere you stop. But you might have more fun renting out a huge RV where everyone can sleep! Get some road trip essentials and plan out a route. Emergency equipment and dry snacks are helpful. You could also bring a cooler for the passengers to store their drinks. No matter where you go, you’ll have a hell of a time road tripping together! What Love Masks By Frank Kermit A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category. For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate). When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview. Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner. We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask. That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display. On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween. The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show. However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it. The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes. Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed. Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable. It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks. The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free. I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock. Happy Halloween! Frank Kermit Seductive Halloween Costumes By Frank Kermit I have always loved Halloween. It is likely one of my most favorite days of the year, except for the fact that I do not like being scared, scaring others, nor the celebration of gore and villains that some Halloween celebrations have turned it into. The part that I love about Halloween is the dress up part. I have always seen it as an opportunity to try on a new persona. Whether it was to bring out and possibly exaggerate a hidden part of you that has always existed, or the freedom to try out a persona completely outside your own self, I have always adored Halloween as a means of self-exploration. It is one of the few times people feel safe to do so in public because under the Halloween banner, it is more socially acceptable. Halloween costumes can be anything you want. However, when it comes to dating and relationship coaching, even Halloween costumes can have more intent and meaning attached. For example, if you are going to a Halloween costume party, your choice of costume can very well influence your ability to attract a single person to you, or make a statement about you already being in a relationship. If you are in a newly formed relationship and are ready to make a more public statement about it to your existing social circles, the right pair of costumes may suit you well. For example, if you are in a relationship, you and your partner may want to wear complimentary costumes, so that the message of “we-come-together” is better stated. Couples themed costumes help send the message that you are there to have fun with your partner, but there is no mistaking that the two of you came together, and will leave together. For example, Couples who wear Peanut Butter and Jelly costumes respectively, Partners in Crime Jail Bird Costumes, even a bride and groom costume (get imaginative with the marriage theme). All of them serve to point out that you are one of a pair that come-and-go together. These categories also include going in costume as well known twosomes such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Star Trek’s Riker and Troi, and even Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. If you are single, the best advice I can offer about your choice of costume is to pick something that will meet two criteria. The first is to pick a costume that has a story to it. Nothing more seductive than the ability to tell a story about a peak life experience of yours, or being able to share a part of yourself that is brought up in conversation through your costume. If you were hoping you would get the chance to talk about your last skydiving jump, or scaling a dangerous cliff, then costumes of skydivers and rock climbers are just the ticket. If you were hoping to let a potential partner know how much you believe in magical love connections, maybe a costume of a wizard may be in order to help you cast your spell of attraction. These also include costumes of romantic figures such as Zorro, various superheroes, and professions of doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters and other fantasy fueling costumes. If there is any sort of stereotypical fantasy role-playing involved, these costumes may bring you some attention that you can capitalize on to meet other singles seeking the same. The second is to pick a costume that allows for more intimate interactions, just in case you do happen to meet someone you really like and want to get closer to that night. To put it more bluntly, if you are single and seeking to select the right costume, pick something that you could easily initiate and take part in a make-out session. If you have to remove your mask just to be able to kiss, it is not a seductive costume. Frank Kermit Couples, Costumes and Halloween
By Frank Kermit Halloween is a great time for couples to have fun. If you are in a newly formed couple and want everyone to know about it, or a well-established couple that wants to do something together for Halloween, here are some costume ideas for couples. First, couples that dress up as well known, successful couples have a variety of costumes to choose from. Fred and Wilma, Homer and Marge, Shrek and Fiona, Gomez and Morticia, Popeye and Olive, and Mickey and Minnie just to name a few. These costumes are for the couples that really want to send out a message that they are at a Halloween party together as a couple. With this theme in mind, I recommend that such couples stay away from costumes of couples that did not last. Thus, no Sonny and Cher, Kermit and Piggy, or Lucy and Ricky. (Most recently we found out that Han Solo and Leia did not stay together either). Next are couples costumes that mostly represent two characters from the same story or theme, but not necessarily characters that were ever romantically involved. These include the couples costumes of Gru and a Minion, Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Pacman and Ghost, two random superheroes, and Toy Story’s Woody and Jessie (Jessie was actually romantically linked with the character Buzz Lightyear, not Sheriff Woody). Also included in this group are Cat in the Hat’s Thing 1 and Thing 2, a Matador and Bull couples costume, and Dorothy and Scarecrow costume pair from Wizard of Oz (honorable mention for Cookie Monster and a Cookie). The challenge here is that although they are part of the same theme, it does not use the symbolism of actual characters that are romantically involved couples. They are all great costumes, but not necessary the best possible costumes for couples looking to make a statement. Personally I believe the best costumes are Costume Set-Pairs: This means that unto itself, the individual costume looks like it is incomplete alone and requires something else to go with it, so the natural inclination is to assume there is a partner costume to go with it. These types of costume pairings tend to be gender neutral. These include Puzzle Pieces costume (especially if the two costume pieces fit together), Pair of Dice, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Day and Night, and even specially designed Salt and Pepper Shakers. In cases like these, when you see one half of the couple such as Eggs, there is no mistaken, that somewhere in the party is that person’s favorite Bacon. Final word of caution: although wonderful at certain kinds of parties, highly sexualized costumes may not be the best idea. Pimp and Hoe, Hefner and Bunny, body parts, contraceptives, and fetish fantasy costumes are all great costumes, however it may invite other party goers to approach you both for more than just a costume compliment. If either of you are the jealous type, you could be setting yourself up for some uncomfortable situations. In short, do not subject yourself to other people’s tricks just because you wish to treat yourself to a titillating couples costume. Have a safe, fun and loving Halloween! |
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