Sex Between Friends Is Anything But Casual
The Rules Of Friends-With-Benefits By Frank Kermit Sex between friends! There are some different names this particular relationship structure goes by. Sex-friends, Sex-buddies, C.S.B.F. (casual sex between friends) are among the less vulgar terms. Virgins, or those people with just a little sexual experience, call them "practice partners". The one that seems to be the most popular is F.W.B (friends with benefits). It really does seem like a good idea at the time. Neither of you are in serious relationships. You are both friends. You like each other...enough. You feel comfortable and trust each other. You are lonely, horny, curious or just bored. However, like any relationship structure, there are guidelines to follow and not managing your FWB well, will not only cost you the "benefits" but could also cost you both the entire friendship. A proper FWB relationship means you only see each other once a week. Twice a week on occasion if you plan a special getaway. One of the biggest mistakes that partners make in FWB is that they try to see each other as often as they can in a short time period. All this will do is confuse the issue. Seeing each other more than once a week is acting like more serious relationship than it is, and can nurture romantic feelings to develop. If you act like you are more than just a FWB, you can expect one or both partners to start feeling, wanting or expecting more from each other, even if you had "the talk". (The Talk is when you talk and both agree that this is just friends having sex, that it will not change anything in your friendship, and you both understand that this is not going to turn into a relationship. FYI: The talk does not work if you act like you are publically dating regardless of what you agreed to in private before sex.) When you do see your FWB, make sure that it is never on Friday or Saturday nights, as those nights are best left reserved for family and social outings, where you are likely to meet someone that you can have more committed love relationship than that with a FWB. It is key to remember that FWB is a time-limited affair. You are only together for as long as it takes for just one of you to meet, date and get serious enough with another person such that being FWB would become an act of infidelity to the new partner. Once your FWB finds someone new, or you do, you stop being FWB. If you have managed it well, you will hopefully still be friends. If you cannot wish your FWB to be able to find love and happiness with a potential soul mate that is not you...then be ethical. Do not become FWB. FWB is a discreet engagement. No one should ever know you even have a FWB. No one should ever be able to find out just by seeing the two of you together that you are being intimate when alone. When you and your FWB are in the same social circle and happen to be at the same party or social event, you behave like friends who are NOT sleeping together. FWB works behind closed doors when no one is looking. You do not hold hands, kiss or show romantic affection for each other in the presence of your other friends. If your FWB is talking with someone that could be a potential future date for him or her, you cannot express any jealousy. You are not in a public romantic relationship. You are having a private intimate exchange with someone that is a friend. Too the rest of the world, you must present yourselves as nothing but friends. You do not "date" your FWB. You do not attend events "with" your FWB. You can meet up afterwards in secret, but again, keep your mouth shut, as no one should know your private business. In fact, you never even tell your FWB about your other FWB, nor should you ask whom else your FWB has as a FWB. For this reason, use protection and practice safe sex. There are many secrets you can share with friends, but who else is your FWB, and or whether or not you even have one, is not one of them. Virgins can find lots of benefits as FWB. The opportunity to practice kissing, touching, being sexual, without the pressure of trying to get a partner to keep liking you, adding to that the comfort of being vulnerable with someone that is already deemed a friend has prompted many virgins to lose their virginities through FWB. At least that is the theory. Some people who lost their virginities as FWB feel it gave them the confidence they needed to take a chance on the future relationships they went into, while others regret not waiting as they wished they would have experienced their first times within relationships that were more meaningfully committed. Be sure you know what you value. There are things you simply cannot take back. Be mindful that FWB can be educational and very fun. However there are always negatives with this lifestyle. First, great fun can be easily confused with great escapism. Some people thrive as FWB because they have deep-rooted intimacy issues and it is a means to continue that dysfunctional repeating behavior pattern. When fun becomes escapism, the sex stops being satisfying and resorts to just another temporary distraction to combat the entrenched empty feelings associated with intimacy barriers. Ironically, some people only do FWB because they want to see as many people as they can so that they never end up alone. The reality of FWB is that these time-limited love fits, tend to end quickly and the FWB practitioners tend to end up alone at the worst possible times. For example, no one would want to spend Valentine's Day with a FWB when they could have the potential (not even a guarantee, but just a potential) of meeting someone new for a deeper connection which is why many FWB tend to end abruptly just before or on V-day. FWB is not a romantic relationship per se, and if that is all you have ever experienced, you will not have developed the social skills necessary to carry you through the rough patches that even the best-committed relationships go through. You can drop a FWB at any time, and it is actually easier to do so than it is to work out your differences. If you have formed that habit of flight instead of fighting to keep your relationship healthy, then trying to manage a more serious relationship later on will be challenging for you if all you have ever known are FWB. Some people become too reliant on FWB, that they stop being social. It is just easier to continue being with the same FWB and not going out to meet new people. This is a horrible place to be in, because when the FWB ends (and it will), those partners that stopped meeting new people, and growing socially, end up worse off than if they never tried the FWB dynamic. Even if managed well, as mentioned in this article, it is still very possible to end up developing romantic feelings for the person you are semi-regularly sleeping with. Your heart may not get "broken"...but your heart certainly will get dinged. It takes a level of emotional maturity management that not everyone has the capacity for. FWB is not for everyone. Eventually, chances are very high that one or both of you will end up in a serious relationship down the road. The chances are also very high that your future spouse or partner will not want you to continue a friendship with someone that you were secretly intimate with. When getting very serious with someone, it may be the time to tell all about who your FWB were, especially if those FWB are still in your current social circle. This may not apply to all couples, however some people change their open accepting attitudes when not only their hearts are involved, but factor in joint property investments, kids and a lifestyle, such that the idea of spending free time with people that already have established successfully being intimate with their life partner in secret in the past, will cause more trust issues for the future. It will be easier to manage the concerns of the new life partner, than keeping the friendship with an ex FWB is ever worth. Your time as FWB will end at some at some point. If you want to continue to have your FWB, as a friend when it is over, be sure to manage the relationship so that you do not lose, not only your FWB, but also the entire social networks you both were part in. And even then, your friendship will always have an asterisks next to it, so don't expect that friendship to last forever either. Just like any other endeavor that comes with lots of immediate "benefits", in the end, you end up having to pay the price over time for them. Sometimes the long term cost effects weren't worth the initial benefits you were provided. Shop carefully! Frank Kermit
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Friendship Is Meaningless
Stop Hanging Out With Friends Who Sexually Reject You By Frank Kermit Friendship is meaningless. There I said it. Now before you shoot one of your nasty emails to the editor, actually read this column to understand the context where this is true. A young man in his 20s came up to me after a workshop I conducted. He had really made an effort to participate to learn about how attraction works, and he seemed troubled by something I had said. It was in the context of calling friendship meaningless when one person has affection for the other, but the other person does not return that affection. He was in a situation where he was spending every Saturday night with a female friend that he was in love with. They would watch movies at home, and even hold hands, but when he tried to kiss her or talk about getting into a dating relationship, she would reject all his advances. She was a single mom and had no interest in dating anyone. All she wanted was to raise her kid, and spend time with friends, but not get involved with anyone. So, he continued to hang out with her every Saturday night, sometimes holding hands but nothing else waiting for the day she would change her mind. At the same time, there was a second girl in this story that was interested in dating him, however he could not see past his "movie buddy" to give the second girl a chance. The guy is this story is wasting his time on a meaningless friendship. He wants a romantic relationship with a female friend that is sexually rejecting him. The second girl in this story is also wasting her time in a meaningless friendship waiting for a guy that does not value her enough to give her a chance at a deeper connection. If either rejecter in this story had taken the chance with the person who loved them, they could be enjoying the benefits and happiness that can result from being in a loving relationship with someone that can know you like a friend, and feel you like a lover. However, many rejecters are reluctant to take the chance, often citing not wanting to lose the friendship. Herein lies the irony. You cannot lose something that does not exist. There is no friendship to lose, because once someone has feelings for the other, the friendship becomes a facade. It is not real, because the one in love with the friend is holding out, waiting for the other to change. Waiting for someone to change to like you enough to make the leap is not an acceptance of a friend, which is a requirement for friendship. If there was a friendship there originally, before the feelings of one person surfaced, then that friendship is now over. Romantic feelings negate the friendship. Through my personal experience, as well as my practice as a relationship coach, I am very much convinced that constant exposure to a friend that you are in love with, that does not return that love, can be very emotionally damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of that sexual rejection. Constantly exposing yourself to regular sexual rejection from them same person helps establish a repeating behavior pattern where you will eventually end up associating having feelings for someone with the feelings of being rejected. This means that over time, you will have your attraction for someone triggered if they reject you and mistreat you, yet if someone that treats you well, or shows you positive romantic attentions, you will eventually train your emotional intelligence to get turned off by the very person that values you enough to take a relational risk with you. This is why when someone sexually rejects you, it is important NOT to continue to spend time with that person under the guise of a friendship, in the hopes they will be open to it later. That constant exposure to being rejected sexually again and again, instead of seeking the attentions of someone new, runs the risk of become too familiar to you. If constant sexual rejection becomes too familiar to you, you could develop an unhealthy attachment that would forever forge you into pursuing people that don't actually like you, or would just use you. (A-ha moment anyone?) That same attachment would also turn you off from those individuals that are actually interested in having a legitimate loving relationship with you. Staying in a friendship where you are constantly being sexually rejected is bad. It could make getting into a loving relationship in the future more challenging because you have trained yourself to respond to people that reject you, instead of responding to people that like you. The kind of friendship where this is going on is a bad friendship. If you have to choose between maintaining a bad friendship or having no friendship of any kind with the person you asked out and rejected you, then it is better to have no friendship at all. A bad friendship is a meaningless friendship. Frank Kermit Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex By Frank Kermit So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature. Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off. Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover. Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past. Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own. For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex. If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you. Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company. A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner). While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office. Frank Kermit From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Someone’s Emotional Cookie By Frank Kermit You have been friends for a long time. You share secrets, you are there for each other and when the phone rings at 3 am, you are ready to pick it up and just listen while your best friend tells you about the problems he or she is having with the person they are dating. That friend of yours would do it for you as well, so what’s the problem? Oh right. You are in love with your best friend, and would rather your best friend be dating you, but they just don’t notice you in that way. The entire concept of from friends to lovers plays out a lot in popular media. The idea that your “friend” at some point is just going to wake up one day and realize that you have been there all along is great for selling stories, but it does not work that way in real life. A number of people that seek out relationship coaches usually already have someone in mind they would like to be with, and it usually is their best friend. Is it possible to turn a friend into a lover, however that usually requires your friend to go through something major, maybe even traumatic, in order to be able to appreciate you. If your friend is not returning your attraction, or at least your romantic affections, it is likely you are simply not addressing your friend’s particular emotional needs that would cause that person to fall in love with you. Sometimes it takes a real crisis before a person’s emotional needs priorities change. Jane may have to reach a point where her abusive boyfriend almost kills her, before she can be in a position to find her non-violent but non-muscular friend John a sexy suitor. Bill may have to be pummeled through an emotionally and financially draining divorce before he can appreciate his slightly plain-looking friend Betty as the best girlfriend he could possibly have. Notwithstanding the crisis your friend has to go through in order to see you with eyes of love (or lust, whichever you prefer), the easier way to attract your friend is actually by stopping to be such good friends. If you friend has ever made it a point to say that they would never date you because they would not want to ruin your friendship…leave and stop being such a good friend. When someone that knows you intimately, but platonically, rejects you, it is probably the nicest insult you will ever get, even though most people do not view that kind of rejection as an insult. It is one thing when someone that you do not know at all rejects you and refuses to date you or take your phone number. No insult there because they do not know you, but when it is someone that knows exactly what a great relationship partner you could be (or at least how great YOU think you are), and they STILL reject you…take it for what it is. It is an insult that should make you want to focus your time on someone that actually wants you romantically. If you want your old friend to be your newest lover, you have to stop being the emotional cookie comfort. Think of it like how some people need to be comforted, and when they feel that way, they turn to eating cookies. It is not healthy for them, but it makes them feel better in the moment; and then when they are ready to face the world and are no longer in need of that comfort, they don’t particularly appreciate the cookie anymore. Sometimes they even make disparaging remarks about the cookies that were there for them, and how those cookies were good, but not what they REALLY needed. When you are in love with your best friend, and your best friend uses you for comfort, but does not think you are worthy of being romantically involved with you…YOU ARE BEING AN EMOTIONAL COOKIE. The BEST way to get a friend to see you as something more than just an emotional cookie is to stop being so available to your friend, and spend your time actively looking to meet someone new for your romantic intentions. This means no more spending your Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoons (optimal date times) with your friend. No more taking those 3 am phone calls. And most important…START DATING OTHER PEOPLE. Pledging your time to someone that does not return your affects does not prove your level of loyalty. All it proves is that you have no sense of your own value as a relationship partner. If you cannot demonstrate through your actions that you recognize your value, your friend certainly never will. Keep in mind that continuing to hold out for a friend like that can damage you emotionally, and train you to build attachments to people that treat you as if you are unwanted. People are their repeating behavior patterns. There is a pretty good chance that once you are too busy with your new partner(s) that your friend might start to wonder if they missed out on something. After all, if someone else desires you, maybe your friend desire should too. And the next time you friend calls you at 3 am, and you do not answer, your friend can wonder if someone else was occupying your time at that particular hour. Hopefully, someone is. Part of the problem is that your friend does not recognize you as a sexual being and potential sexual partner. The best way to prove you are, is to demonstrate that others recognize it in you…action speaks louder than words, and that is why it does not work to “argue” your friend into dating you, or to settle for you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not someone’s back up. The best part is, once you get used to having a new partner that appreciates you romantically, it is likely that you might stop seeing that best friend of yours as anything more than a past waste of your attention. I wish you all great love, sex, dating and relationships for the new year! Make it the year of your heart! Frank Kermit Mistakes That Singles Make # 7 That Keeps Them Trapped in “Singledom” By Frank Kermit There is nothing wrong with being single if you’re happily single. However, being single when you would give up everything going on in your life, just to have someone to share that life with, can be one of the worst feelings of isolation known to the heart. I have met many singles trapped on the island of Singledom that were looking for a ticket out. A few of them really were the stereotypical socially-challenged types that the mass population would expect to remain single. However, those stereotypes are in the tiny minority. The vast majority of singles, who hate being single, are basically good people, decent looking, some of them down right hot and attractive, have good employment and access to resources, can talk intelligently and are considered great friends by the people who like them. So what is going on here? I have often found that single people who are stuck being single make many of the same mistakes that keep them single. Most of the citizens of Singledom are not even aware of the mistakes they are making which are part of why they remain single. One of the painful experiences of learning where they made mistakes was coming to the realization of just how many opportunities they originally had to date people they were interested in, but either were unable to read the signs, or communicated in a way to turn the other person off. So, to help the citizens of Singledom gain better access to emigrate off that isolated island and get back into the rocky waters of the main stream love valleys, I am going to write a series of articles, just for them, that will appear randomly in this column. Mistakes Singles Make # 7: Hanging Out with Attached Friends There is an old saying that was taught to me while growing up; that the single person who is going to spend time with an already established couple is there to “hold the candle”. Meaning, that the single person has resided him or her self to being the servant of the existing couple, because the single person is not adamantly seeking to find their own partner. It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way from finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with those same friends. True friends want to see you happy. If you have been single a long time, it is normal for the people around you to worry about you being alone, especially if they care about you. However, that will not always be the case. There will be times that your attached friends, will try to sabotage your chances of finding your own happiness, if they are selfish and only think about how it will impact them. I hear this a lot from women I coach who find out that their coupled-friends are not thrilled with any of her suitors, partly because they stand to lose their regular free baby-sitter if she actually has a love life of her own. If your friends are not trying to help you meet someone, then you may need to re-evaluate the amount of time you are spending with them. Time is one of the only resources you have a constantly diminishing supply of. You cannot actually “make” time. All you can do is choose how you are going to spend your remaining time. The minutes continue to tick away, lost forever, even as you continue to read this article. If everyone in your social circle is attached, leaving you the only Singledom citizen in the circle, and no one in the circle is in a position to introduce you to someone new, or set you up on a blind date…then it is time to seek out a new social circle, or better yet, start one of your own. If you are single and you do not want to be, then you will have to make finding a relationship partner a priority. That means, you have to spend more time seeking out a potential partner and meeting new people, and stop using up that time to hang out with existing friends that have either rejected your interests, are already attached, or who were never an option to begin with. Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best closest friends will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse and children ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends…and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses and good parents. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner and family if you want it. You just might have to make some different choices, than you made in the past, to get it. Frank Kermit Dating Your Friend's EX By Frank Kermit A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend? Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging. Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship. With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend. First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex. That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person. In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs. This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed. However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals. Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship. Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning. Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends. There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information. With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating. Do you have to do it? No. Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee. Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly. However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma. If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this: If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours? At the very least, it is a starting point. Marry Your Best Friend By Frank Kermit One of the questions I ask couples in my pre marriage course is for each of them to name their best friend, and what makes that person a best friend. I want to know what it is that they value in that other person that merits the title of "best friend". Is it the fact that you can tell a best friend the entire truth and not fear abandonment? Is it because you feel completely accepted by your best friend? Is it because you and your best friend shared certain experiences together that created a bond? Is it merely that your best friend, is simply the one that you have known the longest and is the only one left that you still regularly socializes with you. It is a trick question. First I want to see if the couple would consider each other the best friend of the other. Sometimes, one does, and one does not. In those cases, we have identified a place in their relationship that may need some added attention going forward. Second, I want to see what a person's best friend offers that that person's partner does not. This is where I am looking for red flags (predictors of future problems in the marriage that we could neutralize right now before it ever becomes a serious matter). For example, if someone feels they can tell a best friend anything, but does not feel that way with the person they are engaged too, that is a problem. What is going to happen when some kind of real crisis occurs? Are you going to call your best friend first in a time of stress instead of your spouse? What if the stress has to do with a crisis within the boundaries of your family (such as a child is waiting for a diagnosis, a massive debt was incurred, or intimacy blocks have settled in that your partner feels shame about)? Will you go straight to your partner like you would your best friend? If not, you both may need to re-consider the communication priorities of your relationship. Marriage can be challenging. Depending on the studies you research, the rate of divorce can be as high as 40-50% for some demographics. After the honeymoon phase is over, and the two of you get down to building up a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your marriage, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Even the best of marriage can face the divorce question at one point or another. On that note, if you are currently best friends with someone, and that person is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor. Say yes, and give it a chance. Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with a new partner. However, allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving marriage allows for the foundation of your marriage to also have the benefit of long nourished roots. Frank Kermit If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends. At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so. For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships. Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons. So here is an example: You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses. Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend? I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends. Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then? What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject. What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you. If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse. I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready. A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce. Frank Kermit
#relationship #relationshipguru #relationshipsbelike #relationshipsgoals #RelationshipBreakUps #relationshipsgoal #relationshiptruth #relationshipsaremadeinheaven #relationshipsforlife #relationshipgoals2018 #relationshipsunloaded #relationshipsfirst #relationshipgolas #relationshipsnowadays #RelationshipsAreEverything #RelationshipDetox #relationshipends #relationshipsfeed #relationshipagoals #RelationshipTuneUp #relationshipend #relationshiphelp From Lovers To Friends By Frank Kermit April 27, 2016, Updated on March 1, 2018 Most of the time, I get asked by clients how to go from being just friends with someone, to actually dating them. In fact, it is so popular a question that I have written a book: 'From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man' and have recorded a 2-hour MP3 lecture on the subject. Occasionally however, I do get the reverse. A person that asks how to stop being lovers, but still stay friends? This can be somewhat challenging as the nature of going from lovers to just friends, is very dependent on the kind of sexual relationship that existed previously. If the two of you were just casual lovers or friends-with-benefits, and there was never any expectation of things getting into a more serious commitment, then transitioning from lovers to friends might be a simpler process. If the two of you were dating more seriously with the hopes of it becoming a committed long term relationship, staying friends after ending your sexual involvement may not even be a good idea, depending on how attached or hurt one or both of you are after the break up. There are times, when going from lovers to friends may require a period of no-contact, to help with personal healing and breaking attachment patterns. So, becoming friends may still happen, but likely only after a period of not being actual friends, but still remaining on “friendly” terms. (Usually this means that although someone is hurt or feeling rejected, they do not resort to attacks on your character just because of the break up). The best way to manage becoming friends after being lovers is to manage the friendship from before you become lovers in the first place. If you make it clear between both parties before starting a physical relationship, that there is no desire or expectation of something more serious later on, it will be easier to remain friends afterwards. Part of managing those expectations is to also make it clear to both partners that this arrangement is a time limited involvement. You start off by being clear this can and will end at any time. Even in cases where someone develops feelings for the other, it is still easier to remain friends in the long run, if you are both honest about the meaning (or lack thereof as the case may be) your sexual relationship actually has. If you are in a more committed relationship and you want to stop being lovers and demote each other back to friends (sounds kind of harsh doesn’t it?), the best way to break up is to focus on all the reasons you are both incompatible for a future long term relationship. If your long term plans are in conflict (for example, one of you wants to raise a family in the country, while the other wants to live in the city), then using that as a basis for ending the relationship has the greatest chances of salvaging a friendship after sex. Simply acting on a lack of attraction, or feelings lost will not garner feelings of friendship. Yes, losing those honeymoon phase feelings does happen, even in the best of couples and lovers, but that alone does not have to mean the end of being lovers (as many successful long term couples will attest too). Even the best of connections can hit an attraction slump on the road of pleasure. If you stop being lovers because of your long-term incompatibilities, and not based on your moment-to-moment feelings, there are less hurt feelings, less feelings of rejection, and a lot more understanding. Even if you aren’t able to become the best of friends, at the very least, you are more likely to end up on “friendly-enough” terms. In an age of social media, that is a grand option.
Sabotage Between Friends By Frank Kermit April 8, 2016, updated on April 19, 2018 From what I have observed in my practice over the last 15 years, one of the most consistent external factors that will keep a person single, are the friends of that person. I have seen so many people experience sabotage from their friends; specific actions that those friends took, that directly resulted in someone ending up single. Here are some examples I have encountered over the years. A young man feels his best male friend is spending too much time with his new girlfriend, so he manipulates their social circle to put pressure on his best male friend to break up with her, by claiming she is changing him when she is not. A married woman is being coaxed by her recently divorced friends to come out to a club for a girls-night-out, and actively encourage her to cheat on her husband by pushing her to occupy the attention of the odd-man-out of the circle of males that have shown interest in the group of girls, in a subconscious attempt to have her lose her marriage and rejoin her girlfriends in the single world. A man meets a new girl that he really likes and wants to date, but his friends all tell him he could do so much better than her, and his need for their approval costs him what could have been a very compatible partner, when they just do not want to lose their drinking buddy. A girl jealous of all the male attention that her friend is getting from having lost weight starts to spread rumors that are designed to turn the guys off, and keep the guys focused on herself for more titillating information. This is just a small sample of what actually happens. Just to be clear, for the purposes of this article, jealousy is the feeling when someone feels threatened of losing something they feel they already have. It does not matter if it is a real threat (like someone writing love letters to your partner and demanding that your partner leaves you), or if the threat is imaginary (you assume your partner is cheating when there is no evidence to support that theory and in fact your partner is faithful). Whether the threat is real or fantasy, the effects on your nervous system is still the same. This is different from envy (which your friends can experience as well). Envy is when a person does NOT have something that someone else does have, and covets it. A true friend is someone that wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time doing the things you love, and spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend. If you are searching for love, it is best to keep in mind that your future long-term romantic partner is likely to replace your best friend if you seek to make a long-term relationship successful. A true friend is OK with this. Putting anyone, ahead of your life partner and children, even if that person has been your best friend since forever, is a predictor that the relationship will eventually end. Friendship is important. It is just as important to know at what point you are not willing to have your long term happiness and success be sabotaged all in the name of maintaining a friendship. Give a piece of your heart to your closest friend, but never to the point where that piece of your heart will cost you peace of mind for your future.
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